Something Different Than Alot Of You...

[Still Searching]

So, I read mostly about people leaving for someone else, being wishy-washy, GIGS, etc. I don't know that I've really seen anyone post about splitting over money, for a change.

 

A little background: I'm 26, good career, all school loans paid off, no debt, period. Looking to purchase my first home. I'm very financially responsible, have my future thought out, somewhat (nothing is set in stone, but there's a loose plan in place to reach the goals I have). Her: 23, decent career, but over 30K in debt betwen student loan debt and a brand new car. No real idea of what she wants in life, not a saver (quite the opposite). Very materialistic, is an emotional shopper (shops when she's having a good day, shops when she's having a bad day). Her words, "I guess I've always just assumed things will work themselves out, because for the most part, they have, as irresponsible as that sounds."

 

We were together 9 months, and at first I didn't pay attention to these things or let them concern me. She moved quick, talking about moving in together, brought up the word "marriage" a few times, etc. The more I started to get serious about her, the more I tended to think long term and look at whether or not or goals and behaviors aligned. Obviously, they don't. Initially, I thought I could ask for a bit of change on her part, watching she spends, setting a limit, etc. Nobody wants to be told how to spend their money, and no one will change unless they want to themselves, I've learned.

 

Anyway, I could tell she was distancing herself, as there were alot of serious discussions the past few months about living together, finances, and even religion (she's Catholic, I Lutheran). The more I felt her pull away, obviously the more I tried to keep things together, which just pushed her further. The writing was probably on the wall when she came one day and said, "I booked a ticket to LA to see my friend in two weeks." She doesn't need my permission, but a heads-up, or a sign that she values my input and takes my thoughts/feelings into consideration would have been appreciated. This is just something I've always done for those I'm with. I take them into consideration in almost everything I do, and I guess expected that to be reciprocated.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, when she flew out. She stayed the night at my place the night before, as I live an hour closer to the airport than she. I get an email at work at noon saying she's done. She cleaned everything out of my place, left anything of mine she had, and that was that.

 

I don't think there's anyone else involved, which is the case alot of the time, just a difference in views/goals/ambitions/spending habits.

 

Anyone else out there experience anything like this? Any thoughts, opinions, or words of advice/encouragement are appreciated.

 

Despite the differences, the rest of the relationship was amazing. Sex was great, she made time for me always (except as of late), the whole nine.

[flitzanu]

So, I read mostly about people leaving for someone else, being wishy-washy, GIGS, etc. I don't know that I've really seen anyone post about splitting over money, for a change.

 

A little background: I'm 26, good career, all school loans paid off, no debt, period. Looking to purchase my first home. I'm very financially responsible, have my future thought out, somewhat (nothing is set in stone, but there's a loose plan in place to reach the goals I have). Her: 23, decent career, but over 30K in debt betwen student loan debt and a brand new car. No real idea of what she wants in life, not a saver (quite the opposite). Very materialistic, is an emotional shopper (shops when she's having a good day, shops when she's having a bad day). Her words, "I guess I've always just assumed things will work themselves out, because for the most part, they have, as irresponsible as that sounds."

 

We were together 9 months, and at first I didn't pay attention to these things or let them concern me. She moved quick, talking about moving in together, brought up the word "marriage" a few times, etc. The more I started to get serious about her, the more I tended to think long term and look at whether or not or goals and behaviors aligned. Obviously, they don't. Initially, I thought I could ask for a bit of change on her part, watching she spends, setting a limit, etc. Nobody wants to be told how to spend their money, and no one will change unless they want to themselves, I've learned.

 

Anyway, I could tell she was distancing herself, as there were alot of serious discussions the past few months about living together, finances, and even religion (she's Catholic, I Lutheran). The more I felt her pull away, obviously the more I tried to keep things together, which just pushed her further. The writing was probably on the wall when she came one day and said, "I booked a ticket to LA to see my friend in two weeks." She doesn't need my permission, but a heads-up, or a sign that she values my input and takes my thoughts/feelings into consideration would have been appreciated. This is just something I've always done for those I'm with. I take them into consideration in almost everything I do, and I guess expected that to be reciprocated.

 

Fast forward to yesterday, when she flew out. She stayed the night at my place the night before, as I live an hour closer to the airport than she. I get an email at work at noon saying she's done. She cleaned everything out of my place, left anything of mine she had, and that was that.

 

I don't think there's anyone else involved, which is the case alot of the time, just a difference in views/goals/ambitions/spending habits.

 

Anyone else out there experience anything like this? Any thoughts, opinions, or words of advice/encouragement are appreciated.

 

Despite the differences, the rest of the relationship was amazing. Sex was great, she made time for me always (except as of late), the whole nine.

 

 

i'm sorry, i'm having trouble understanding what money has to do with this. she started acting distant, started pulling away and then left?

[Still Searching]

She pulled away and became distant because of the arguments about money. She'd spend constantly on frivolous crap that wasn't needed, like a $70 tanktop for working out, even though she already had five of them. That's just one example. I'd hear comments like, "I think I'm going to go to the mall on lunch tomorrow." Why? "I don't know." Do you need anything? "No." She just spent money out of sheer boredom. Me being a saver, and envisioning soon living with this person, I spoke up about my concerns here. I make more than she does, fine. I don't expect her to contribute an equal amount, but maybe an equal percentage of what she makes. Her big concern was not having the money to spend on "fun" as much as before. If a person really wants something, such as a house to call "ours", I feel they're mature enough and ready when they realize that it may take sacrifices, such as cutting back a bit in certain areas, to make it happen.

[MidwestUSA]

Sadly, you are miles apart on one of the three big dividers in relationships/marriage - money, sex, religion (almost forgot children). Be thankful you found out now, because while she may change, it won't be anytime soon. You might as well write off all of her future income as disposable (with her doing the "disposing") while you pay for everything else. If you think there is hope, then she needs to set a goal in regards to paying off her debts. If she refuses to do this, then you have your answer. So sorry that this is the case, and best wishes to you.

[MidwestUSA]

Sorry, I missed the part where she was "done". My condolences. There are plenty of women who will appreciate that you are a very responsible man. You deserve better.

[Still Searching]

Sorry, I missed the part where she was "done". My condolences. There are plenty of women who will appreciate that you are a very responsible man. You deserve better.

 

No worries, I appreciate the response.

 

You're right about how I felt things would be eventually, her income becoming more and more "disposable" while I take care of what matters. Funny, her parents are in their early 50's, with everything paid off, and neither of them have high-income professions by a long shot. I told her how I admire them, and that that's where I want to be at that age. She claims to want that, too, but I don't think she realizes what it takes to make that happen. You don't start at age 23 with 30K in debt with no plan or timeline on paying it off and then expect to have a comfortable future with her spending habits. Sorry, I'm probably just venting out loud in these posts. It helps to get it out on paper or in type...

[MidwestUSA]

No problem, it sometimes helps to see your own thoughts in print. You are dead on that she has no clue regarding how to get to the comfortable end that she supposedly wants. Are you sure she wants it at all? Could it be that she views her parents as boring, and wants to do the exact opposite? Sow her oats, blow money, have "fun"? There is nothing wrong with enjoying life (which takes money), as long as your foundation is set. I was the responsible woman, with my own house at the age of 24, and in your position. Guys thought that since I was "set", everything they made could be spent recreationally. Had I remained alone, or found a responsible guy, I'd be retired now at 50. Instead, he sucked it out of me, and while I'm not quite starting over, I will be working a good many years yet. If I could do it over again, sigh....................

[Samilia]

The hounding might have gotten to her. Or she started chatting online with a guy and flew out to go meet him.

 

Anyway, since you clearly aren't compatible on the key points of a marriage, why bother.

[Still Searching]

The hounding might have gotten to her. Or she started chatting online with a guy and flew out to go meet him.

 

Anyway, since you clearly aren't compatible on the key points of a marriage, why bother.

 

 

The hounding got to her, no doubt about it. That was stated clearly. I understand that now, and that you can't change a person. Unfortunately, it seems these issues are those that come out and become more apparent after things calm down and the blinders are off after the honeymoon phase where you look past things you normally wouldn't (and eventually don't). She would have had to want to change on her own, no amount of me "parenting" (unhealthy, I know) would make her do anything differently.

 

As for a guy online, I know that's not the case. This is her best friend since elementary school. She wouldn't fly halfway across the country, she'd find someone local if she wanted attention. She gets plenty at work the way it is...

 

@Midwest-Sorry to hear about your situation, but you sound like a responsible person that thinks beyond tomorrow. I'm all for enjoying life, too, within reason. We'd go out to nice meals every week, had a trip planned (something I'd do every year with no hesitation). Sadly, I did worry about being taken advantage of; just human nature. I read, see, and hear enough to know how things go sometimes. Is it that crazy to think that we'd get together, I'd naturally start knocking out her loans (because if married, I'd view her debt as "our" debt), and once she's in the clear, leave? One hates to think a person would do that, and maybe that wouldn't be her intentions, but with my luck, that's how it'd work out in the end, along with her getting half of everything I'd worked for up to that point. I realize that a person can't let thoughts/fears like this prevent them from giving themselves fully to a relationship, or it's doomed from the get-go, but they're always in the back of my mind...

[Still Searching]

Day two of the break-up, day one of NC. I've been here before, two years ago, but it doesn't hurt any less. I'm typically a strong person, and try to bury the sad thoughts and not let them affect me, but this time around I've been letting myself cry if I feel the need. It just feels better to let it out. I slept decent last night, although at times I woke up thinking about her, which feels awful. I've also found myself thinking about the intimacy in our relationship, and how great things were in that department. We were both very affectionate, highly attracted to each other, and connected quite deeply on that level. Several times a week was normal for us, and we only see each other 60% of the time, basically equating to every day we saw each other. I have this fear that I won't connect like that with someone again...

 

Just thinking out loud again. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this...

[Balzac]

Irrational fears emerge when we feel loss. From your description of things financial it seems you didn't have the motivation to end it. Nagging her was your way of giving her the power of decision.

 

Your financial goals are legit. You'll find a more compatible partner.

 

It's just funny to read that you took this to the level of inventorying her tank tops. My question is if she had a penchant for investing but was lousy at it, would that have been an equally abhorrent lifestyle choice?

Just curious cuz there's a million ways to separate fools from cash.

 

Be glad her problems are no longer your problems.

[Still Searching]

Irrational fears emerge when we feel loss. From your description of things financial it seems you didn't have the motivation to end it. Nagging her was your way of giving her the power of decision.

 

Your financial goals are legit. You'll find a more compatible partner.

 

It's just funny to read that you took this to the level of inventorying her tank tops. My question is if she had a penchant for investing but was lousy at it, would that have been an equally abhorrent lifestyle choice?

Just curious cuz there's a million ways to separate fools from cash.

 

Be glad her problems are no longer your problems.

 

I guess I was probably hoping to see a change, a different behavior in the way she managed money. Good point though, my pushing for change gave her the power of decision.

 

I didn't inventory her tank-tops. She works out 6 days a week, and told me she only had two, so a third was justifiable, to me. A week later she admits, "Maybe I lied, I have 6 tank-tops now..." Altering the truth, or just plain hiding things, to avoid a conversation on the matter doesn't seem right to me.

 

I can see how she felt I was trying to control her, which looking back, does seem like I was, to a point. I feel like I was trying to change someone into something they simply are not (doesn't work, and isn't how it should be, I realize). What I was asking of her was for her herself to place a little more control on things. I'd never have moved in together, or considered proposing down the line, if her habits never changed from what they are now. I guess it's better she moved so quickly, so that these issues came to the surface sooner than they might have otherwise, in order to avoid a situation where we may have moved in together.

 

In reference to the investing thing: If a person has their bases covered, and has extra cash set aside to "play with", then by all means I'd be fine with investing. It's a gamble, and may or may not pay off, but as long as it didn't affect day-to-day living, I see no issues. That was one of her lines, "How I spend my money doesn't affect your well-being." How doesn't it? If we lived together and you didn't save a dime, and one of us lost our job, we could fall behind on bills, lose the house, etc. The whole "I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here" mindset isn't for me.

 

Now I'm ranting...

[Still Searching]

So, it's been almost two weeks since the breakup, and boy, what a rollercoaster ride it's been.

 

We'd maintained contact while she was in CA, and she agreed that we should sit down the night she got back to actual discuss things, since she kind of just hit me with it all out of the blue through her email. The talk was long, in-depth, and probably the best talk we'd ever had, as far as reaching understandings of each other and the "why's" to things. I was then hit with comments about still being in love, being with me is the best place on earth, etc, and yep, she ended up spending the night and we made love twice. Stupidly, I took this as the complete opposite of what it actually was, which was her being selfish and wanting to feel it all one last time (yes, those were her words, and she admitted to it) because when the morning came, she said she "couldn't do it anymore". I flew out that day to San Diego, obviously an emotional mess, and yet we maintained contact through the phone and email. She kept saying she'd think on things, giving me breadcrumbs which I stupidly gobbled up. I got home Friday night, said I'd give her the weekend to herself, but asked if we could see each other Sunday night if she decided there was something here worth working at. Friday night I get the "Ok, let's plan on Sunday night then" only to be followed up the next morning with an "I just don't think I want to do this." That was it, I'd been beaten down enough, and we haven't talked since Saturday night. This will be day two of NC...

 

I did the opposite of what I knew I should do, maintaining contact, trying to somehow justify things or look for reasons why it could work, ignoring the serious red flags as to why it can't. Do I believe some of what she tells me? Yes, but our views on love are vastly different. I can't help but feel anger and resentment towards her at the moment for totally mind-f*&^ing me last week when she stayed over, but I know I'm partially to blame for even allowing it. I understand she may be confused as well, but I still view what she did as selfish. I'm sure she thought she was being nice and hurting me less, but obviously the opposite is true. Or, she was relieving some of her own guilt.

 

This stuff sucks...

[summer90]

Have you ever told her she needs to learn how to control her spending? I mean some people can do it naturally really well, but for people like me, *cough still in tuition fee debts and parents debts*, it is hard to learn, or refuse to learn until the moment we absolutely HAVE TO control our spending.

 

If the rest of the relationship is amazing, then I don't think you should give this up, I see this issue as an issue that can be helped in a long run, it isn't a case of people falling out of love, I mean, if you still have feelings for her then you should definately have a talk with her about it, don't leave yourself any regrets!

[Still Searching]

It's not as simple as that. She sees nothing wrong with the way she's doing things. Her parents are the enablers, in that they loaned her the money for school, and aren't making her pay it back right now. If she had a bank demanding money each month and charging interest, maybe she'd view it differently. Lack of responsibility through and through. She wanted a dog (before I met her), and so got a little lap dog. Does she have the time to take care of it, or a place to house it? Nope, so whose dog is it really? Her parents take care of it, and she sees it 2-4 times a month when she goes home to visit. She had a late parking ticket that she simple kept forgetting to pay, so who eventually pays it when a notice comes in the mail? Mom.

 

I've been talking alot with friends and people in unbiased positions, and I'm starting to see things for what they really are. She lives in a fantasy world lacking serious responsibility or consequences, and also thinks love is some fairy tale. Selfish and hypocritical, she thinks she knows how love is supposed to be, and yet doesn't follow any of her own advice. I always got the line, "I've always just loved you for you, and wished you would have just loved me for me." Ok, sure. I've also heard, "Love is about supporting, encouraging, and wanting the best for your partner, no matter what." I can agree with that, within reason. Am I supposed to be supportive of her doing whatever she pleases with no consideration for my feelings, and ignore it when my feelings are hurt? I'm nobody's doormat. I also got the line, "I'm guess I'm just used to always getting my way. I'm not used to having someone stand up to me or challenge me. I don't mean to sound like a princess." Funny, but I've heard her mom use that exact term for her when she's angry or frustrated. There's a bunch more I can elaborate on later...

 

Thanks for the reply.

[summer90]

It's not as simple as that. She sees nothing wrong with the way she's doing things. Her parents are the enablers, in that they loaned her the money for school, and aren't making her pay it back right now. If she had a bank demanding money each month and charging interest, maybe she'd view it differently. Lack of responsibility through and through. She wanted a dog (before I met her), and so got a little lap dog. Does she have the time to take care of it, or a place to house it? Nope, so whose dog is it really? Her parents take care of it, and she sees it 2-4 times a month when she goes home to visit. She had a late parking ticket that she simple kept forgetting to pay, so who eventually pays it when a notice comes in the mail? Mom.

 

I've been talking alot with friends and people in unbiased positions, and I'm starting to see things for what they really are. She lives in a fantasy world lacking serious responsibility or consequences, and also thinks love is some fairy tale. Selfish and hypocritical, she thinks she knows how love is supposed to be, and yet doesn't follow any of her own advice. I always got the line, "I've always just loved you for you, and wished you would have just loved me for me." Ok, sure. I've also heard, "Love is about supporting, encouraging, and wanting the best for your partner, no matter what." I can agree with that, within reason. Am I supposed to be supportive of her doing whatever she pleases with no consideration for my feelings, and ignore it when my feelings are hurt? I'm nobody's doormat. I also got the line, "I'm guess I'm just used to always getting my way. I'm not used to having someone stand up to me or challenge me. I don't mean to sound like a princess." Funny, but I've heard her mom use that exact term for her when she's angry or frustrated. There's a bunch more I can elaborate on later...

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Wow, sounds like she is really high maintainance :/ sounds like this Josie...

 

 

I'm just joking, I'm sure your girlfriend/ex-girlfriend is probably a lot less racist than her. Good luck finding a girl that really deserve you, because you sound like a really responsible guy a lot of girls would want to date and settle with

[Still Searching]

Funny you mention high maintenance. My friends all called her "Hollywood" behind her back. It didn't bother me at first, but the more I look at things, the more I realize she isn't for me. Tanning, coloring her hair constantly, expensive tastes in everything from clothes to purses to accessories. Oh well.

[Ruby Slippers]

Sounds like she wants a guy who will pay for her lifestyle. If she really loved you and wanted to be with you, she would have looked at her habits and adapted them to the life you were planning together.

 

Myself, I'm fiscally prudent, have no debt, and would like to be with a guy on the same page.

 

I'm sorry about your breakup, but unless you were willing to pay for her materialistic indulgence, seems like it wasn't a match in that regard.

[SharkTooth]

Funny to hear your side of the story. When I was her age, 20 years ago, I was just like her and my girlfriend was just like you. I have always been a YOLO kind of guy. Still am but I own my house, car, etc. I didn't like her "suggesting" how I should spend or save money. I figured it out my own way. She sounded like my parents and at that point and I knew we weren't meant to be together. I am built differently and so is your ex.

 

Don't get me wrong, I feel your pain about the BU and it's the worst. I am very sorry to hear that. But I've got to tell you, and this will sting, she will never come back. Not for a long time. Mine did after like 10 years (thanks FB) lol. She had grown her wealth 10 times over like I knew she would.

 

Just remember that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. You've got so much going for you! Don't lose sight of that. Cherish fun and exciting things that make you laugh. It is going to be a little while before you feel whole again but it'll come. I promise!

[Still Searching]

Day 3 of NC is almost over. Part of me is not expecting to hear from her, and yet there's always that small part that hopes you will. Oh well...I guess I'm just going to vent out loud to anyone who cares to listen.

 

Touching on her materialistic views, and strong denial of any such views, yes, it's a turn-off. Her views on money, or saving, were that she's spending on herself and doing what she wants now, because when she has a family later on, she won't be able to. Ok, I don't have a family yet, but yes, want one someday. Is it a bad idea to start thinking about those things now and prepare even a little? She admitted that she doesn't save near what she probably should, and yep, has the expensive clothes, car payment, smart phone payment, gets her hair dyed bi-weekly, the whole nine. Re-reading this, it doesn't sound like me at all, but I suppose I looked past these things, as she did possess several good qualities.

 

Emotional maturity sure does seem to take a bit longer to set in these days. I guess I thought that since she was done with college and had a full time job, that she'd also be more mature than say, a girl still in college with no serious responsibility or something quite yet. Wrong! I realize now that no matter what, there just doesn't seem to be a substitute for time/experience when it comes to maturity. I suppose there are exceptions, but in my experience, it's made no difference dating two girls close in age, but at different points in their lives (college vs. post-college).

 

I realize that her spending habits are deeply entrenched, and that they likely would not change much, if at all, with time, unless she herself realizes a need for change and is also strong-willed enough to make said changes. She has a retirement account, pays her bills on time, but doesn't think beyond that. What's strange is I'm not sure where she picked up her financial habits, because both of her parents seem to be savers, very smart with their money. She feels the need to have the latest/greatest, sort of the whole "keeping up with the Jones'" mentality. Does she live within her income limits? I suppose so, but she's walking too fine a line for me to be comfortable.

 

I can see how two opposites might be able to balance each other, as I did find myself looking at things more relaxed and trying to loosen up a bit. However, the scales were never even, as she wasn't wanting to look at the way she did things any differently and reach a place where we were both comfortable and satisfied. I've never thought of myself as overly frugal, just smart with my money. I enjoy taking trips, going out to a nice dinner once a week, all of those kinds of things.

 

If you sense some bitterness and resentment in all of this, you'd be correct, admittedly. I'll get over it, but it's tough to have someone who claims all of these things for you, and yet they walk away. I struggle to understand, and maybe I never will. I guess I need to just take things day by day. She pushed for the "friends" thing, but there again, I feel she's being selfish and doing it for her own good, much like her "one last time" hoo-rah last Monday night. Yes, she admitted that she just wanted to feel all of those things one last time. Completely selfish, and totally messed my head up...

 

There's another issue that was big with me that I'll address later.

 

Thanks again to anyone who reads and comments.

[BarbecueMan666]

Hey,

 

reading this thread was great for me as my story is so reminiscent it's scary.

 

I broke up new years day - we were together for 1.5 years. Before I knew her, both her parents paid off a debt of 10,000 dollars. I was like wow. This wasn't student loans, just straight up debt. She's had small jobs before, and some stuff I don't particularly want to get into. When we first met, she was in debt but not too severe, 3000-4000 dollars, and was working on paying it off. She applied to grad schools around the country, and ended up getting into USC. Luckily by that time her debt stayed around the same, as she paid it most of it off previously with her job.

 

On first meeting, she said she loved me. Within months she moved from Oregon to Phoenix to be with me. She talked about engagement rings she wanted, how many kids preferably (the ring was 14000 dollars) and yeah, was very ecstatic about life. She was 3.5 years older than me, I just turned 23.

 

Financially I'm doing well. I have a decent bank account and am pretty safe with spending. She was extremely materialistic. Hair dying frequently, nails done, waxing done, lasik you name it. I just classed this as awesome at the time as she was a hard 10.

 

In LA she lived, I came over for our anniversary and we went to disney land. We'd had money talks before, and I was staying for 4 days (it was a nice vacation for me to spend with her.) - Considering I spent roughly 600-700 dollars already on our anniversary in the first day, on flights, tickets and other things we went into a disney gift store and she wanted matching sweaters for 75 dollars each. I said something along the lines of "now now, we don't have to spend everything today" In which she got upset. She remarked on how it's our anniversary, and I should want to do something special for her. In which I retorted by saying I've spent x amount, and we've got the week together. The conversation loomed on, and I asked her something like "do you expect me to pay for everything for us?" In which she replied "yes, I haven't got the money to." This was huge, and we certainly had a falling out which was never TRULY reconciled. Her money issues were large.

 

Time went by, we'd have skype dates almost where we'd arrange to talk as she was very busy with school and making youtube videos. One day she said 1am, (im 1 hour ahead) - and she didn't show. It turned out she crashed at a guys house and forgot to call me. Now I believe she didn't cheat on me, and it was a clumsy mistake but still, it hurt and I should have known then I wasn't truly on her priority list.

 

She came over to visit, (i paid for her flight) - and she stayed for 4 days about 3 weeks after the disney land trip. She came and on the last day of her visiting she got her hair done the whole day. It cost 600 dollars.

She was already in debt, and her tutoring is something around 15,000 dollars per term ? I think. We had a little bit of a talk, as she told me a totally different number, she was preparing for miss Oregon USA but still, it wasn't necessary. We had a momentary breakup a few days later at Halloween, She just wasn't messaging me, and said she had no time - photos of her came up on facebook of her out partying, nothing bad - but I was miffed and she just said she'd like to breakup, when i brought up the point that taking 20 seconds out of your day to message me isn't a hard thing to do.

 

We reconciled after a couple of weeks, things were decent. I visited her more often - spent more money and bought her shoes. But things weren't quite the same, she got miserable pretty often and worried a lot about finance and her future.

 

December came, we went to a wedding together she was a bridesmaid of my housemate (she set us up initially). The wedding was fine, we got home and started to have sex and she started crying, initially it was great, but obviously something was wrong. We just hugged and she wouldn't really talk to me. (This is pretty much when I noticed things weren't as comfortable as they should be).

Next morning, we woke up and had sex, this time everything was great and she cried because "she felt so emotionally attached to me".

We had fun leaving for the airport, I got some new running shoes and her a pair of running shorts.

 

A week later I had a tournament over in LA 30 minutes from where she lived. She asked me if I won would I pay off her credit card debt? Which was around 5000 (not including loans). I kinda laughed but said sure.

 

She was super nice the first day, wanted a lot of sex and even adventured into a public hot tub and well ya know.

 

After the tournament was over, she was very distant again. - From being as Hot as she could ever be, to as Cold as she could ever be.

 

A week later, she was meant to be coming over for christmas/new years. She seemed hesitant and I told her she doesn't have to come if she does not want.

 

She came, and we had fun. The first week went by, I paid for everything, food flights you name it. We went to a mall - I got her a teddy made and made the voice for it and such, she dropped her phone in a toilet and we ended up going home after me getting her a few more gifts.

 

Next day came it was christmas eve, (she came on the 16th) - and she asked to borrow my phone so she could go out christmas shopping for me. I said sure, Her phone left behind and i charged it up, it turned on and there was a text from a guy "I love you and i'm always here for you no matter what" He wrote 4 texts while she was at my place but she didn't reply. I checked previous texts and it was obvious she wasn't into him (and I'd heard his name the year prior, that she said he was just one of her friends she felt sorry for, he wasn't good with girls but he was really nice.)

Anyhow, to this guy she was miserable "I want a time machine so I can re-do my life and everything", and stuff I knew she was miserable about from a long time ago. (she used to be successful on youtube but quit due to her partner at the time not supporting her). But the real clincher was in the texts she told him "I need to break up with [barbecueMan666]. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when, do I do it before or after Christmas?"

My heart sank.

 

Anyhow, I brought it up a day after, and she had these spurts of awkwardness where she just wouldn't talk to me or open up, and it turned out to be one of those times.

I was upset but handled it well, and she just seems to suffer from super highs and super lows.

 

The week went by, we got each other nice presents for christmas, she showed me again engagement rings she wanted and tried them on, and tried on a wedding dress.

 

New years eve came, we had a nice time - she got mad at me because she thought I forgot that we kissed at midnight, but i didn't forget but she was still abit miffed with me.

 

New years day came, she was kinda mopey and just watched shows the whole day so I accompanied her. Later we went to get ready for bed, and she just asked me if i was happy with her. I said not really - and we broke up just like that. She cried a little but not much. Next morning was highly awkward as she just didn't want to talk with me. My friend took her to the airport and when he got back he told me "she's a bitch, she only talked about how you didn't spend enough money on her, and how she didn't see it working in which you spent more on her than I have done on all of my ex's."

 

I'm still really sad about it even though ultimately I know it wasn't a fair relationship. But I still love her. ****.

[Still Searching]

Wow, crappy deal, for sure. Not trying to beat you up, but you probably shouldn't have ever spent half of what you did on her, as that just further drove her princess mentality. My ex didn't expect me to pay for everything for her, and was big on her independence and being able to do things herself (funny, because mommy and daddy took care of all of life's big issues for her). Her spending habits were complete opposite of mine though, which simply didn't work. She shopped just to shop. Having a good day? I feel like shopping. Having a bad day? I'll buy myself something to cheer me up. And her tastes were expensive, nothing but the best. I'm practical, so would probably spend half of what she would for a similar object, and they'd both serve their purpose just as well.

 

Despite all the BS, I know it's tough to let go. There are good things about every relationship, and I'm learning to not idealize the whole thing, or put the ex on a pedestal. I'm seeing her for what she really is, a 23 yr. old with a lack of understanding and responsibility when it comes to the real world. Selfish, too, at times, and although she considers herself mature for her age, she has no idea. Hypocritical quite often as well.

 

All of this isn't to say I was a perfect partner. At first I was quite rigid, but tried to loosen up later on. I expected her to meet me in the middle though, which never happened. Why should I change my ways/views to please her without her willing to make any effort for me?

 

Sorry, I got on a rant...

[GG3]

Funny to hear your side of the story. When I was her age, 20 years ago, I was just like her and my girlfriend was just like you. I have always been a YOLO kind of guy. Still am but I own my house, car, etc. I didn't like her "suggesting" how I should spend or save money. I figured it out my own way. She sounded like my parents and at that point and I knew we weren't meant to be together. I am built differently and so is your ex.

 

Don't get me wrong, I feel your pain about the BU and it's the worst. I am very sorry to hear that. But I've got to tell you, and this will sting, she will never come back. Not for a long time. Mine did after like 10 years (thanks FB) lol. She had grown her wealth 10 times over like I knew she would.

 

Just remember that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go round. You've got so much going for you! Don't lose sight of that. Cherish fun and exciting things that make you laugh. It is going to be a little while before you feel whole again but it'll come. I promise!

 

I have to agree with this poster. I can see your point of view, but if I were her, I would not appreciate someone nagging or trying to tell me how to spend my own money.

 

Now if someone came to me and said nicely, "I really see a future with us together but sometimes I am concerned that our spending habits are too different. Is this something we can work out?" That I could listen to and discuss.

 

I say this because I have a bmw and the guy I dated seemed bothered by this. I make a REALLY good salary and can easily afford it. However, if I got married and we wanted to save money or have kids, I'd get rid of the car in a heartbeat for those reasons. (Of course he doesn't know that...he never asked....)

[Still Searching]

I have to agree with this poster. I can see your point of view, but if I were her, I would not appreciate someone nagging or trying to tell me how to spend my own money.

 

Now if someone came to me and said nicely, "I really see a future with us together but sometimes I am concerned that our spending habits are too different. Is this something we can work out?" That I could listen to and discuss.

 

I say this because I have a bmw and the guy I dated seemed bothered by this. I make a REALLY good salary and can easily afford it. However, if I got married and we wanted to save money or have kids, I'd get rid of the car in a heartbeat for those reasons. (Of course he doesn't know that...he never asked....)

 

I can see your point, and trust me, I brought it up very nicely. It was after being told a few times that she'd watch things and then never seeing any change that I got bothered. She moved fast, things got serious, and she wanted me to view it as such. To me, that meant taking a look at things that would come into effect down the road. All I'd asked was for her to show me that she's thinking like that, long-term. It could be as simple as just keeping track of what she was spending, to show me she's aware and keeping track so as not to get an overdraft or something. Her "I just swipe my card and pay the bill later" views didn't mesh with mine.

 

I guess it comes down to different views. There's no one right way to go about it, but I've never liked owing anyone money; bank, parents, or otherwise. She can easily afford her new car (Jetta), and all her clothes, but there's still the $20K she owes her parents waiting when she's done with the car. Again, looking long term, there's no way, with her current habits, that she'd even be close to having that stuff paid off in say, two years, which is when I could have seen us getting hitched. I'd view her debt as mine, and obviously, with my habits, I'd knock out that debt right away. It's nice to know your partner is working towards the same goals as you, so it'd be tough for me to be cutting back on things I don't need while she still goes out and buys un-needed, over-priced stuff all the time when that money could have went towards the debt. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with spending now and then. We'd go out to $60 meals almost weekly (me usually paying), and buying a few things here and there never bothered me.

[Simon Phoenix]

Hey,

 

reading this thread was great for me as my story is so reminiscent it's scary.

 

I broke up new years day - we were together for 1.5 years. Before I knew her, both her parents paid off a debt of 10,000 dollars. I was like wow. This wasn't student loans, just straight up debt. She's had small jobs before, and some stuff I don't particularly want to get into. When we first met, she was in debt but not too severe, 3000-4000 dollars, and was working on paying it off. She applied to grad schools around the country, and ended up getting into USC. Luckily by that time her debt stayed around the same, as she paid it most of it off previously with her job.

 

On first meeting, she said she loved me. Within months she moved from Oregon to Phoenix to be with me. She talked about engagement rings she wanted, how many kids preferably (the ring was 14000 dollars) and yeah, was very ecstatic about life. She was 3.5 years older than me, I just turned 23.

 

Financially I'm doing well. I have a decent bank account and am pretty safe with spending. She was extremely materialistic. Hair dying frequently, nails done, waxing done, lasik you name it. I just classed this as awesome at the time as she was a hard 10.

 

In LA she lived, I came over for our anniversary and we went to disney land. We'd had money talks before, and I was staying for 4 days (it was a nice vacation for me to spend with her.) - Considering I spent roughly 600-700 dollars already on our anniversary in the first day, on flights, tickets and other things we went into a disney gift store and she wanted matching sweaters for 75 dollars each. I said something along the lines of "now now, we don't have to spend everything today" In which she got upset. She remarked on how it's our anniversary, and I should want to do something special for her. In which I retorted by saying I've spent x amount, and we've got the week together. The conversation loomed on, and I asked her something like "do you expect me to pay for everything for us?" In which she replied "yes, I haven't got the money to." This was huge, and we certainly had a falling out which was never TRULY reconciled. Her money issues were large.

 

Time went by, we'd have skype dates almost where we'd arrange to talk as she was very busy with school and making youtube videos. One day she said 1am, (im 1 hour ahead) - and she didn't show. It turned out she crashed at a guys house and forgot to call me. Now I believe she didn't cheat on me, and it was a clumsy mistake but still, it hurt and I should have known then I wasn't truly on her priority list.

 

She came over to visit, (i paid for her flight) - and she stayed for 4 days about 3 weeks after the disney land trip. She came and on the last day of her visiting she got her hair done the whole day. It cost 600 dollars.

She was already in debt, and her tutoring is something around 15,000 dollars per term ? I think. We had a little bit of a talk, as she told me a totally different number, she was preparing for miss Oregon USA but still, it wasn't necessary. We had a momentary breakup a few days later at Halloween, She just wasn't messaging me, and said she had no time - photos of her came up on facebook of her out partying, nothing bad - but I was miffed and she just said she'd like to breakup, when i brought up the point that taking 20 seconds out of your day to message me isn't a hard thing to do.

 

We reconciled after a couple of weeks, things were decent. I visited her more often - spent more money and bought her shoes. But things weren't quite the same, she got miserable pretty often and worried a lot about finance and her future.

 

December came, we went to a wedding together she was a bridesmaid of my housemate (she set us up initially). The wedding was fine, we got home and started to have sex and she started crying, initially it was great, but obviously something was wrong. We just hugged and she wouldn't really talk to me. (This is pretty much when I noticed things weren't as comfortable as they should be).

Next morning, we woke up and had sex, this time everything was great and she cried because "she felt so emotionally attached to me".

We had fun leaving for the airport, I got some new running shoes and her a pair of running shorts.

 

A week later I had a tournament over in LA 30 minutes from where she lived. She asked me if I won would I pay off her credit card debt? Which was around 5000 (not including loans). I kinda laughed but said sure.

 

She was super nice the first day, wanted a lot of sex and even adventured into a public hot tub and well ya know.

 

After the tournament was over, she was very distant again. - From being as Hot as she could ever be, to as Cold as she could ever be.

 

A week later, she was meant to be coming over for christmas/new years. She seemed hesitant and I told her she doesn't have to come if she does not want.

 

She came, and we had fun. The first week went by, I paid for everything, food flights you name it. We went to a mall - I got her a teddy made and made the voice for it and such, she dropped her phone in a toilet and we ended up going home after me getting her a few more gifts.

 

Next day came it was christmas eve, (she came on the 16th) - and she asked to borrow my phone so she could go out christmas shopping for me. I said sure, Her phone left behind and i charged it up, it turned on and there was a text from a guy "I love you and i'm always here for you no matter what" He wrote 4 texts while she was at my place but she didn't reply. I checked previous texts and it was obvious she wasn't into him (and I'd heard his name the year prior, that she said he was just one of her friends she felt sorry for, he wasn't good with girls but he was really nice.)

Anyhow, to this guy she was miserable "I want a time machine so I can re-do my life and everything", and stuff I knew she was miserable about from a long time ago. (she used to be successful on youtube but quit due to her partner at the time not supporting her). But the real clincher was in the texts she told him "I need to break up with [barbecueMan666]. It's not a question of if, it's a question of when, do I do it before or after Christmas?"

My heart sank.

 

Anyhow, I brought it up a day after, and she had these spurts of awkwardness where she just wouldn't talk to me or open up, and it turned out to be one of those times.

I was upset but handled it well, and she just seems to suffer from super highs and super lows.

 

The week went by, we got each other nice presents for christmas, she showed me again engagement rings she wanted and tried them on, and tried on a wedding dress.

 

New years eve came, we had a nice time - she got mad at me because she thought I forgot that we kissed at midnight, but i didn't forget but she was still abit miffed with me.

 

New years day came, she was kinda mopey and just watched shows the whole day so I accompanied her. Later we went to get ready for bed, and she just asked me if i was happy with her. I said not really - and we broke up just like that. She cried a little but not much. Next morning was highly awkward as she just didn't want to talk with me. My friend took her to the airport and when he got back he told me "she's a bitch, she only talked about how you didn't spend enough money on her, and how she didn't see it working in which you spent more on her than I have done on all of my ex's."

 

I'm still really sad about it even though ultimately I know it wasn't a fair relationship. But I still love her. ****.

 

Holy crap at this story. You basically dated a leech. Now, I haven't been fiscally responsible in my life, though I'm much better now than I was, but damn, I would never ask anyone to pay my debt. And if someone asked me to pay theirs (or any bill of theirs) I'd laugh in their face. It sounds like she was a looker, but damn dude. You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged an atomic bomb.