Still Searching Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 So, breakup was two weeks ago today, day 4 of NC. In my other thread (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/370999-something-different-than-alot-you), I probably made it sound like financial views/differences were the primary reason. However, there were a few other things at play. Her best friend is the one she went to see in CA two weeks ago. They've been best friends since third grade, apparently. To me, and most everyone I ask, it's a very strange, "not normal" relationship. When her friend comes to town to visit once or twice a year, as she did before Christmas, the world revolves around said friend. Literally, she had time enough to talk to me shortly on the phone, but no time to see me at all, or even include me in anything with her friend. Additionally, she has her own place, but her friend's parents live in the same city. She stays at her friend's house each night, and sleeps in the same bed. You might be thinking, "That's not that crazy." The thing is, we'd discussed this, and she said that it's just something they've always done, and I asked her where her friend's b/f would sleep while she was in CA. He slept on the couch the whole time she was there, so that her and her friend could sleep in the same bed. I was never trying to be controlling, but to me, that just seems like highschool stuff, and personally, I'd want someone that views a relationship as an adult. There is no way that if we lived together and her friend came to visit, that I would sleep on my couch or think it's ok for my g/f to go sleep in the guest bed with her friend instead of in "our" bed, as a couple. At times this all made me feel like I came second to her friend, because of how intense she was with things concerning her. Her exact words were, "It's completely different relationships. I don't get to cook with her, come home at night to her, spend time with her and her family, or give her my unconditional love like I do you." The last part is what threw me for a loop. I have lots of close friends, but don't feel that intense. Any thoughts on this? My mom and friends think it's all a bit absurd and over the top... We'd split for a few days before Christmas, when said friend was in town, and upon reconciling, I'd asked if I could just come stay by her, even at the end of the night. This was the last night her friend was in town as well. I'd asked if she could just once, ask her friend to sleep on the couch, that we'd both had a rough week, and I'd just have liked to see her, and also see that she's able to stand up for what she wants. Instead, I got, "You don't understand. She'd do anything for me. I just can't do that to her, I can't tell her no." That obviously hurt a bit, as I know I've never made her feel second to anyone, and have never had a problem turning down friends or something if I preferred to make plans with my g/f. As friends, I know they'll respect whatever I decide to do, and I told her the same, that if this girl is really your best friend, shouldn't she understand and be fine with it? I believe I mentioned it in my other thread, but she'd moved really quickly, wanting to move in after 3 months, bringing up marriage (maybe hypothetically) after 7 months, talking about the where, who'd be in the wedding, number of kids, etc. She also told me she just knew she loved me after hanging out with me the second time. Maybe that was real to her, but to me, eh...I feel like if the roles were reversed, most women would be scared of some guy moving that quickly. Keep in mind, we didn't know each other before the relationship at all. Anyway, it all placed extra pressure on things, and she actually ended up resenting me for not progressing as quickly as she had. "I feel like I was always pushing, you were always a step behind." When I feel I finally got on the same page as her in these aspects, of course it was over. Anyway, just looking to get some insight from some outsiders. The more I talk with friends/family and look at things from their perspective, the more I feel we just weren't on the same levels of maturity. There were several selfish acts on her part, and she repeatedly made me feel like my feelings didn't matter and that I came second to this best friend. She straight up told me that she didn't know how to adequately divide her attention between the two of us, and so would rather not do things together, her, her friend, and I. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to comment/read. I appreciate it.
CptSaveAho Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Welcome to being a GIGS guy (reboundee). From your story, it didn't look like a fun ride. Lesson learned... next time stand up for yourself and quit being such a push over... if something doesn't feel right... it's not right... kick her to the curb and go next
Author Still Searching Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I guess I'm not exactly sure what you mean? I was a rebound for her? She thinks the grass is greener elsewhere? Someone brought up a good point to me. She is an attractive girl, and I don't think she's ever been the dumpee in a relationship. Until a person is, I don't think they can really appreciate or understand things quite like someone on the opposite end of it all. Maybe I'm way off base...
Simon Phoenix Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I don't see this as GIGS necessarily. It just sounds like the two of you are incompatible in every way except for the bedroom (when you aren't getting sloppy seconds from her best friend -- kidding). As far as the friend thing, that's a bit strange. Never heard about anything like what you described. I mean, it's one thing to say "bros before hos" or "chicks before d--ks", but that's taking it to an extreme. Sounds like your ex is a child in every way, from spending habits to relationships with friends to feelings to everything.
Author Still Searching Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I don't see this as GIGS necessarily. It just sounds like the two of you are incompatible in every way except for the bedroom (when you aren't getting sloppy seconds from her best friend -- kidding). As far as the friend thing, that's a bit strange. Never heard about anything like what you described. I mean, it's one thing to say "bros before hos" or "chicks before d--ks", but that's taking it to an extreme. Sounds like your ex is a child in every way, from spending habits to relationships with friends to feelings to everything. Exactly how I feel, a child in most every way. Funny how blind a person can be while in the relationship. Princess mentality 100%, and yet if you'd confront her with any of this, she's appalled. She considers herself way more mature than all of her friends, which is laughable at this point. I guess I just keep trying to rationalize and see things for what they likely really are. Not meant to be, completely different people.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Exactly how I feel, a child in most every way. Funny how blind a person can be while in the relationship. Princess mentality 100%, and yet if you'd confront her with any of this, she's appalled. She considers herself way more mature than all of her friends, which is laughable at this point. I guess I just keep trying to rationalize and see things for what they likely really are. Not meant to be, completely different people. Yeah, I know there's a huge attraction there and she's imprinted herself on you, but I think you dodged a huge bullet with this one. Maybe in a few years she'll mature and become a more suitable partner, but that's definitely not something you should wait for. One of two things will happen a) she'll marry some rich dude and be a trophy wife that just spends money and drinks mimosas all day or b) she'll get some sort of reality check and refurbish her life.
Author Still Searching Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 I'm guessing option "a" will happen, although at some point she's bound to get burned. Like I said, with the friends she has and the enabling parents, it'll be a while before anything clicks with her. They all just keep feeding her mentality at this point. Guess you're right, dodged a bullet. Day 4 of NC is pretty much in the books. Doubtful I'll hear from her tomorrow, V-day, which is fine. I found a few things of hers, thought I'd email and let her know she can come pick them up, but thought better of it. I'll just have my parents drop it off at her parents' house in our hometown, since she's a squatter there three days a week anyhow. No need to initiate or open up any communication.
Simon Phoenix Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 I'm guessing option "a" will happen, although at some point she's bound to get burned. Like I said, with the friends she has and the enabling parents, it'll be a while before anything clicks with her. They all just keep feeding her mentality at this point. Guess you're right, dodged a bullet. Day 4 of NC is pretty much in the books. Doubtful I'll hear from her tomorrow, V-day, which is fine. I found a few things of hers, thought I'd email and let her know she can come pick them up, but thought better of it. I'll just have my parents drop it off at her parents' house in our hometown, since she's a squatter there three days a week anyhow. No need to initiate or open up any communication. Yeah, that's a good idea. Best to fade to black on this, especially since she has admitted to contacting you and using you to make herself feel better (I read your other thread). She doesn't seem to really have a concept of anything besides her own impulses, so it's best not to try to have any contact with her in the near future.
Author Still Searching Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Yeah, that's a good idea. Best to fade to black on this, especially since she has admitted to contacting you and using you to make herself feel better (I read your other thread). She doesn't seem to really have a concept of anything besides her own impulses, so it's best not to try to have any contact with her in the near future. Thanks for taking the time to read everything and respond. This isn't my first rodeo, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I know from the past what works and what doesn't. It's tough to keep rational and not let emotions get the best of me though. Part of me is convinced I'll never hear from her again, and is ok, and the other part wonders if she misses me at all, and almost wants to get a call or email. Wouldn't do any good though, I know. In my past relationship, I went full NC right away, and within 5 weeks, two separate instances, out of the blue the ex came crawling back. Maybe that's why part of me almost expects to hear from her. I had another girl I dated for about a month get in contact with me 3 years later, apologizing for ending things and wishing she could have another chance. Crazy how often that happens...
Simon Phoenix Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Thanks for taking the time to read everything and respond. This isn't my first rodeo, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. I know from the past what works and what doesn't. It's tough to keep rational and not let emotions get the best of me though. Part of me is convinced I'll never hear from her again, and is ok, and the other part wonders if she misses me at all, and almost wants to get a call or email. Wouldn't do any good though, I know. In my past relationship, I went full NC right away, and within 5 weeks, two separate instances, out of the blue the ex came crawling back. Maybe that's why part of me almost expects to hear from her. I had another girl I dated for about a month get in contact with me 3 years later, apologizing for ending things and wishing she could have another chance. Crazy how often that happens... I hear ya on all accounts. It seems like they all come back in one way or another. I had one ex from high school (short relationship, good girl, just didn't work out, no hard feelings at all) message me 10 years later on Facebook giving me her number if I wanted to talk and asking for me to come see her next time I was in town, which I didn't. Had a college ex-girlfriend offer a night out and a place to crash for me 8 years after we broke up (couldn't because of family obligations, but she actually was going to delay her trip to see her family for a day to meet with me if I could). Had an ex from an extremely toxic breakup want to get back together with me 15 months after a break which was so bad that she tried to get me in trouble at work (we were co-workers). My last one was short (only a couple months), but this girl grabbed me more than relationships that lasted much longer. I'm in 4.5 months NC (break was 6.5 months ago because I freaked at how attached I was getting and put her off) and fighting impulses to message her. I definitely wouldn't mind if she pulled what your one-month girl did.
Author Still Searching Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Just curious, but who was the dumper/dumpee in most of your cases? I feel like as the dumpee, I usually want nothing to do with them when they come back, with the exception of the previous relationship. I was NC, but by no means over her and still missed/loved her, so when she came back twice, I took the chance, telling myself I'd regret it if I didn't. It finally fizzled out when we both just weren't feeling it a year after getting back together the second time. If this recent ex gets in touch and wants to make it work, she'll have to plead a pretty good case, because the longer I sit here in NC, the more I look at things from the outside and realize that she had some changes to make/growing up to do. I have one ex, my first true love/girlfriend that I was with from highschool through most of college, six years total. I was the one that ended it, but it was for the best for both of us, as it had become toxic, on and off, etc. Of course I did what dumpers do and got a hold of her, for my own selfish reasons, to tell her I forgave her for everything and was sorry for the way things were between us. Now, I run into her maybe once or twice a year, and we can talk comfortably, but I don't think we'd ever get back together. I'll always have a soft spot for her, because she was my first, and because I was with her the longest, and I think she feels the same. This recent ex, like you mentioned, grabbed me harder than any of them though...
Simon Phoenix Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Just curious, but who was the dumper/dumpee in most of your cases? I feel like as the dumpee, I usually want nothing to do with them when they come back, with the exception of the previous relationship. I was NC, but by no means over her and still missed/loved her, so when she came back twice, I took the chance, telling myself I'd regret it if I didn't. It finally fizzled out when we both just weren't feeling it a year after getting back together the second time. If this recent ex gets in touch and wants to make it work, she'll have to plead a pretty good case, because the longer I sit here in NC, the more I look at things from the outside and realize that she had some changes to make/growing up to do. I have one ex, my first true love/girlfriend that I was with from highschool through most of college, six years total. I was the one that ended it, but it was for the best for both of us, as it had become toxic, on and off, etc. Of course I did what dumpers do and got a hold of her, for my own selfish reasons, to tell her I forgave her for everything and was sorry for the way things were between us. Now, I run into her maybe once or twice a year, and we can talk comfortably, but I don't think we'd ever get back together. I'll always have a soft spot for her, because she was my first, and because I was with her the longest, and I think she feels the same. This recent ex, like you mentioned, grabbed me harder than any of them though... Coworker and most recent one I was dumped, though most recent had some forced dumping qualities to it. College and high school were completely mutual, one because we were both too busy and the other because I was moving for college. Only girl that never came back was one in college where I was dumped, pretty much did all the desperate begging pleading moronic s--t, then stopped that cold turkey once I discovered she had cheated on me. She never came back -- I'd see her on campus but she never did anything besides occasionally say hi or smile, not that I wanted her back. Had another girlfriend in high school who I was brutal to -- I'd break up with her or stop calling her every so often, then come back when I felt like it and she'd always take me back. Even when she was dating other people. Every other girl I've dated that I've dumped I never thought twice about.
Recommended Posts