Is it possible for women to stay happy in long term marriages?

[Woggle]

I sat he is there for me when I am down but he sure wasn't there during Sandy. In fact he tells me I am stupid for moving back when it will just happen again. It was my in laws and my uncle who were the biggest help during that.

[Woggle]

This also thinks I should go back to my ex because she will be unemployable and therefore will financially depend on me. His theory is that women only stay with men if they need them financially.

[xxoo]

This also thinks I should go back to my ex because she will be unemployable and therefore will financially depend on me. His theory is that women only stay with men if they need them financially.

 

The woman who cheated on you and shot at you?!?

 

That settles it. This guy is nuts. Please promise you won't listen to any of his "wisdom" ever again? He won't be happy until you are miserable

[Untouchable_Fire]

I'm just torn. I want to be the way I was the first half of this year but what If I was just lying to myself. When it seems that most women who are married just despise their husbands am I not supposed to be scared? Maybe there are plenty of happy marriages and relationships and I just don't see them.

That is what this is about. I am scared and frightened that would I have can all come crashing down.

 

Everyone gets insecure from time to time.

 

Your wife isn't going to leave you. Sure there are tons of crap women out there... but you didn't marry one of them.

 

Woggle,

I strongly suggest you do one of two things:

Seek therapy and get some serious help.

or

Divorce your wife so she can go out and find a REAL man.

 

Stupid advice.

 

It's Ok to have doubts and question things. Walking through life thinking that your marriage is a sure thing can be much more damaging.

 

I will give you MY own opinion. It isn't true for all, but it is true for a few women I know. I bitch to my best friend. She bitches to me. We talk crap about our men together, but want to know something else? We 100% have an unspoken understanding that we love the men we are with and are just looking to vent and feel validated, and we both hold no judgement on one anothers relationship or man. She bitches about him not helping with the kids, I call him an *******, but ultimately I support her relationship and think he is a good guy.

I had best friends when I was married, I vented with them, but instead of validating and being supportive, they started turning me against my husband. No more support, just wondering why I was with him and ultimately it led to me ending that friendship.

That being said, the bolded is something that is really worrisome. It shows that you think women who have friends who turn their wives against their husbands is acceptable. It isn't. And anyone who truly values their marriage would know where the line is drawn. Unless it is something where it puts a family or person in danger such as abuse of course.

The other thing that bothers me is that you value your friendships so much more than you value your wife. My husband was my best friend, I had a ton of girlfriends but then guess what? I only had one. She is all I need, why? Because she is a TRUE best friend. She is supportive and there for me and lets me man hate all I want. A real friend understands the boundaries of what they should and should not say. A real friend knows that when you moan about your wife being a bitch, you aren't saying she is a bitch.

I feel bad about your view right now, but ultimately, this isn't your wife ruining your relationship and hating you, it is you doing it.

 

I'm not a big fan of venting to anyone. The consistent expression of negative emotions towards your spouse builds up bad habits. In a way it puts you right in the position Woggle is in right now. Battling habitually negative thought processes.

 

I agree that you should boot people from your life who drag you down.

 

To my opinion anyone who insults my wife insults me. I have no intention of suffering fools like that.

[Untouchable_Fire]

This also thinks I should go back to my ex because she will be unemployable and therefore will financially depend on me. His theory is that women only stay with men if they need them financially.

 

 

You do realize how retarded that sounds?

[Woggle]

I think it's time for me to drop this friend.

[Emilia]

 

You do realize how retarded that sounds?

Second this.

 

Woggle, the complete idiots you surround yourself with.... You are an intelligent man, what the hell is wrong with you?

[Woggle]

Second this.

 

Woggle, the complete idiots you surround yourself with.... You are an intelligent man, what the hell is wrong with you?

 

They are from back in the day and I am a very loyal guy.

[Woggle]

Sometimes the stuff I read about relationships makes me freak out a little bit and I need reassurance that many long term married women are still in love with their men. I should have just made a positive happy relationship thread instead of going on this rampage. Those usually reassure me and it doesn't turn into a gender war.

[Emilia]

They are from back in the day and I am a very loyal guy.

It needs to be mutual though. Loyalty has to be reciprocated.

[Untouchable_Fire]

They are from back in the day and I am a very loyal guy.

 

Life changes and people change. I'm a loyal guy to my friends as well. That doesn't mean I'm a pushover. You don't have to dump your friends... just draw your boundaries well.

[Emilia]

I think Woggle that a lot of this is misplaced loyalty. I think that people move on to good things in life just like you did with your wife. You are very lucky because you have a stabble home with someone who loves you very much. Clearly some of your friends have never been able to achieve this and they probably even accuse you of getting above your station, correct? They would rather see you dragged down back to how you were than see you being happy and content.

 

You have loyalty to people who don't return the sentiment?

[pteromom]

I think it is mostly not wanting to feel week. My father never defended himself against my mother and I don't want to be like that. I always viewed my mother as a strong and independent woman but in the end she is probably as weak as can be inside.

 

Do you feel that being vulnerable with your wife is the same thing as being weak?

 

True personal strength does not require holding power over someone else. Your mom was not strong. Her strength came from feeling superior and wielding power over you, and that comes from her OWN fears of feeling weak.

 

Break the cycle!

 

I was actually thinking about you this morning while I was getting ready for work.

 

About your friend who wants to keep you as his ally in the fight against women.

 

There are men in the world who cheat. Who lie. Who gamble away their family's life savings. Who leave their wives for younger women. Who beat their wives. Who molest their children. Who check out of their marriages with drugs or alcohol. Basically, there are a lot of REAL *******s out there.

 

Does that mean that YOU are any of these things? Of course not!

 

There are women in the world who walk away from their marriages. Who marry for money. Who laugh at men. Who enjoy crushing men. Who have personality disorders. Who have affairs. Who try to control their husbands and turn them into doormats.

 

Does that mean that YOUR WIFE is any of these things? Of course not!

 

So you have a choice.

 

Do you want to focus on the unfairness of the world and all the horrible things that OTHER PEOPLE do? Or do you want to focus on making your own marriage happy and fun so that your wife wants to be there with you?

 

From what you've said about your wife, she sounds like a lovely person and it seems you are fortunate to have her.

 

As far as your friend, you need to have a talk with him. Tell him that while you agree with his basic beliefs that there are a lot of bad women out there, you have found a good one, and your goal isn't to be an "alpha", but to work with your wife to create a happy marriage. Tell him that you don't want to focus on the whole PUA and anti-women agenda anymore because it infiltrates your marriage. If he continues your friendship, you'll know he considers you a real friend. If he calls you a weak beta and walks away, you'll know he is just using you as a tool for validation of his beliefs.

 

At any rate, it is much better if this friend walks away than letting your wife walk away.

 

If you want your wife to stay with you happily, you need to throw away your negativity and instead, invest energy into being happy with her.

[pteromom]

I have one who still lives in NY that talks sense into me when I get like this but the rest of our friends have abandoned him because they say he changed too much.

 

Sounds to me like HE is the one you need to stay close to!

 

The others just want to stay in their woman-haters club, angry and alone. You simply do not belong to that club anymore.

[pteromom]

This also thinks I should go back to my ex because she will be unemployable and therefore will financially depend on me. His theory is that women only stay with men if they need them financially.

 

UGH! He sounds like a class A jerk!!!!!

 

You need to distance yourself from him.

[Woggle]

Tonight I will call him up and cut it off with him. He can sure do his best to feed my paranoia but it nowhere to be found in a real crisis.

[pteromom]

Women are hypergamous. They can be very prone to dissatisfaction in their existing relationship and on the lookout for something better. It's a fact of evolutionary biology.

 

Anyone can be "prone to dissatisfaction in their existing relationship and on the lookout for something better." It's not exclusive to women, and all women aren't like that.

 

For most women, if they feel cherished, accepted, and appreciated, they don't look elsewhere. If both people in the marriage try their best to meet their partner's needs and be grateful and loving, there's no need to look outside the marriage for something "better" because you are too busy looking at each other.

[Woggle]

Exactly. Her response was the "left-handed" or "ironical" response where the person wants to have it both ways, by saying what they really mean or know to be true yet at the same time be able to deny it.

 

Like if you call an obese person "fatso" and if they say you hurt their feelings you would respond "I didn't really mean it, I was just making a joke, don't be so sensitive."

 

She is clearly joking but when I am pissed I actually do think like you.

[pteromom]

Look at some of the responses you have gotten from a number of (presumably) women on this thread. Rather than address your concerns with respect and empathy, they mock you, sneer at you, and dismiss your concerns, attempt to shame you for even honestly expressing them.

 

I guess for some of them the whole point of participating in this thread is to make you feel bad. That's how some people get their jollies probably.

 

But it does prove the point that men have every reason to be concerned about their relationships.

 

I am a woman, and I have done none of these things. I have only tried to help him and have given him some very thought out advice and questions. But even if some women mock him, that still has nothing to do with HIS marriage. HIS WIFE isn't mocking him, and she's the one that matters.

[Woggle]

Most women here have shown me a lot of compassion even though I am like a broken record. I still don't know if I will ever be not screwed up and that is why I debate whether it is fair to stay with my wife or not.

[pteromom]

Most women here have shown me a lot of compassion even though I am like a broken record. I still don't know if I will ever be not screwed up and that is why I debate whether it is fair to stay with my wife or not.

 

You are trying to grow. That is HUGE, so don't beat yourself up or feel unworthy. Every one of us has issues we drag into our relationships.

 

And every one of us is screwed up. The question is whether you can identify the ways you are screwed up and whether you are trying to fix yourself. And in your case, the answer is YES, so you are miles ahead of some people. And you should feel proud that you are working on it.

 

From what you've said about your wife, she seems like a person who could really teach you a lot about being happy.

 

I am glad you are going to cut ties with your friend. If you can surround yourself with people who truly want you to be happy, that is going to help you a lot.

[Woggle]

People here for the most part have been nice to me. What really gets me angry is when I see other men getting torn apart. I feel very protective of other men because I picture their anger coming from the same place as mine.

[CarrieT]

I feel very protective of other men because I picture their anger coming from the same place as mine.

 

I have a heartfelt suggestion for you, Woggle.

 

Why don't you consider donating services or time to a battered/homeless women's shelter.

 

You see the men who have been hurt by women and swallow that pain and reflect it out. Why don't you go and reflect that pain you have and see how many women have been hurt by abusive men -- turning your anger into a healing therapy to help those that are REALLY in trouble?

[pteromom]

But that's exactly the sort of behavior, when it occurs in relationships, that unhappy women engage in and leads to the man's insecurity--they belittle and deminish him.

 

You teach people how to treat you. If a man allows himself to be belittled and diminished, he needs to establish boundaries and decide what he is or isn't going to accept.

 

In addition, it is truly a choice whether to let someone else's words and opinions define you or not. I can say to you... "You are so uncool.", for example. That doesn't make it TRUE. My opinion of you means nothing. Especially since I don't even know you. *You* define who you are... nobody else.

 

Lastly, you have to choose wisely. Women who are secure and happy do not need to belittle or diminish a man. They want a man who is also secure and happy. If you pick the right woman, she won't be trying to control or manipulate you in any way.

[Woggle]

I have a heartfelt suggestion for you, Woggle.

 

Why don't you consider donating services or time to a battered/homeless women's shelter.

 

You see the men who have been hurt by women and swallow that pain and reflect it out. Why don't you go and reflect that pain you have and see how many women have been hurt by abusive men -- turning your anger into a healing therapy to help those that are REALLY in trouble?

 

Putting me amongst a bunch of women who have understandable anger towards men when I have anger towards women is recipe for disaster.

 

I just get pissed at how some men get treated on these boards. I often wonder why I inspire compassion when some other guys on here don't.