Marriage in jeopardy due to male "friend" with an agenda

[Mz. Pixie]

D-----

 

Wow.........you've had quite a time. I'm with LJ- we knew this would probably happen. She would have to earn her way back though, and frankly, I don't think she will try to do that- too much hard work!

 

Hang in there baby!

[MassiveAtom]

 

I don't know bro, I wouldn't even give her a plow and a horse. She'd have to hoe the row with her hands. And that would take a lifetime. Oh hey, there's a thought, Tell her she can come back but she has to earn it and then stick to the list. Hand it to her. Tell her "be this and we can talk. I don't promise you anything, but this is a start" Then let her get to work and do whatever the hell you want while she's working at it. Then when you're on your death bed, say "I'm ready to marry you again now" Of course it could be much simpler if you'd just tell her "Over my dead body!"

 

Yuck, Ex-wife!! - I need a shower now...

 

 

now this,

 

 

MA

[Devildog]

So the XW called last night when I was on my way to work. A laundry list of things form that conversation!

 

First, she has heard some bad things about this woman I have been spending time with, but won't tell me what they are and can't remember who told her them. In other words, she hasn't heard $hit, she is just trying to see if she can cause me doubts. XW doesn't want to know the bad things I heard about her when we first started dating. Hmm, probably should have listened then.

 

Second, my daughter supposedly mentioned "my Friend" the other day, mentioning her by name, and told my XW that she was her new mommy. My daughter has only seen her once, when we went swimming, and I don't talk about this woman around her. Shortly after the one time we went swimming, my daughter asked to go swimming again and asked if I "needed to call my friend" to go. Not by name. So I'm guessing she is getting those ideas from someone on my XW's side.

 

Oh, and my XW's grandmother, who absolutely loved and adored me isn't speaking to my XW again over the divorce because, drum roll please, her and the "friend", neither of whom was ever interested in each other, hooked up after the divorce. Hmm, so that makes two guys that I "over reacted" about her spending so much time with when we were married that she has dated since the divorce.

 

Oh, and the XW, after telling me that, I still have no right to bad mouth the "friend". He never did anything inappropriate. Sure, what a saint he is there. Waited until after the divorce that he played such a pivotal role in setting up was finalized to make his move. Someone call the Vatican and get this guy cannonized.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Devildog

Someone call the Vatican and get this guy cannonized.

women!

[Mz. Pixie]

She's a piece of work alright!

 

She needs to wake up and realize that kids are going to say things about the other parent that are not necessarily true- especially if they are over 5- in a attempt to play them off each other. I take what my kids say about their dad with a grain of salt. They have also told him stuff about me- which he has asked me about and which were not exactly true but rather their perception of what was going on. My son told me my exh had three girlfriends now- my bf said, "It takes three women to replace you? I'm surprised it doesn't take more!"

 

I hate this "I heard so and so" and not admitting what they heard or who said it. I used to have a boss for years that would do this with upper management. None of it was true- she was making up stuff to stir up trouble. She would say things like, "Well, people are unhappy in the dept." and when our director would question her specifically she would waver and stammer and never admit what she heard what the problem was.

[Lil Honey]

DD:

 

Your new lady friend sounds like she has a sense of humor. Ya can't beat that.

[MassiveAtom]

WTF!?! Here are some question for youto consider ol' buddy...

 

1. Why is she talking with you about anything other than your little one?

 

2. What intrerest does she have in causing you to doubt anything?

 

3. Now that everything is YOUR fault, why does she want to return?

 

4. Could it be that size DOES matter? LOL!!

 

5. Where in the world does she get off thinking you give a flying rats a$$?

 

6. Why do you talk with her?

 

It might benefit your sanity, if the next time she gets going about your new interest, politely decline the conversation, and hang up.

Build a fifty foot high, ten foot thick wall between her psychosis and you.

 

Oh, one more question, Why is she asking around about this new lady? hmmmm, sounds like someone wants a do over. LOL!!

 

NMA to DDsXW, "Take a hike lady, This guys too good for you."

 

 

and now for something completely diferent,

 

MA

[reservoirdog1]

Oh, and the XW, after telling me that, I still have no right to bad mouth the "friend". He never did anything inappropriate. Sure, what a saint he is there. Waited until after the divorce that he played such a pivotal role in setting up was finalized to make his move. Someone call the Vatican and get this guy cannonized.

Bro, I'm in the same boat. I have no time or respect for my XW's BF -- he started moving in on her when he knew we were married and were supposedly reconciling. Okay, so he didn't f*ck her until we separated (as far as I know), but that's of minimal importance. I don't bad mouth him -- there seem to be enough people in my circle who are happy to do that, so I just listen.

[dgiirl]

Originally posted by reservoirdog1

Bro, I'm in the same boat. I have no time or respect for my XW's BF -- he started moving in on her when he knew we were married and were supposedly reconciling. Okay, so he didn't f*ck her until we separated (as far as I know), but that's of minimal importance. I don't bad mouth him -- there seem to be enough people in my circle who are happy to do that, so I just listen.

 

I cant agree more with you guys. But thankfully I dont know who this ow is, and franky i could careless. Anyone who simply walks out of a marriage without even trying to work things out, doesnt deserve us. DD, I'm happy you're finding happiness again. Gives us newly seperated hope for the future.

[Devildog]

Guys, believe me, she isn't getting to me or upseting me in the least here. The bullets don't even make it anywhere near me before I stop them anymore. Zero effect. I laugh when I hang up the phone it is so pathetic and lame and juvenile. Then I call "my friend" and we laugh some more.

 

I don't have to say anything to bad mouth my XW and her "friend". Like I said, very small town, plenty of gossip, everyone pretty much knew what was going on. And with the exception of my X-I-Ls, no one in that town has a bad thing to say about me. Plenty of less than pleasant things about those two though. I just find it funny that my XW is that far from reality that she doesn't see that them dating or hooking up or whatever she wants to call it just confirms every concern I had when the whole mess started. She still tries to convince herself and everyone else it was innocent.

[Ladyjane14]

Even so, I'm still in agreement with MA. She's getting too many opportunities to talk AT you. She's certainly doing her best to "gift" wrap her inquiries, presenting them as "parenting" concerns. It's up to you to decide what is legitimately about your daughter...and what's just unadulterated nosiness.

 

The marriage is OVER. You're not obliged to do a post-mortem on the relationship for her benefit at this time. You did your best to elicit her interest in doing that BEFORE it was too late.

 

You're not a bad person if you refuse to comply in her efforts to get CLOSURE. There's not a thing you could say to her anyway, that wouldn't be subject to her own perceptions. She' going to re-write it all to suit herself.

 

She made her own bed, afterall. She can lie in it by herself....if that's what suits you.

[Devildog]

But her nosiness doesn't affect me either. The only thing that it does it makes it that much harder on her. What she tossed aside, others treasure. And when those that treasure me are a substantial upgrade in every way over my XW, all the better.

 

My hope is that, for my daughter's sake, she recognizes her problems and finally gets some of the help she needs. I don't want my XW back. Never. But I would like my child's mother to be able to demonstrate what a healthy person and a healthy relationship is. I don't want my daughter to believe that she can treat people the way my XW does.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Devildog

My hope is that, for my daughter's sake, she recognizes her problems and finally gets some of the help she needs.

 

Hell, if she could do THAT, she wouldn't be your ex-wife!

 

What you two need is a "parenting plan". Seriously, if you haven't done so already, get out to the library or bookstore, and get some detailed info on how to get that done.

[Devildog]

Nothing new to report really. XW is still a psycho, but whereas I can stop the bullets, she can't. This makes her more psychotic. It's funny how much she hates my new "friend" and she hasn't met her or even seen her yet.

 

Anyway, this was my first post, so I figured my 1000th post should be here too.

[Mz. Pixie]

DD-

 

Been wondering how you were. Glad to hear your okay and still around.

 

Much love, Pix

[Devildog]

Well, other than work wearing me out and being poor, I feel better than I have in a very long time. I am alot happier these days and I am enjoying life.

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by Devildog

Well, other than work wearing me out and being poor, I feel better than I have in a very long time. I am alot happier these days and I am enjoying life.

 

Good to hear DDog... things have finally restored themselves. You r a sweetie and deserve all the goodness good can get!!

 

M.

[debilou]

I sure miss you DD. Glad to know you don't need to be here like before. It all gets better with time.

 

Have a great life and enjoy your little one while she's still little. It goes by faster than you can imagine. My boys are 10 and 15. Amazing.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

I am still around folks, just haven't had much of a need to post. I still weigh in with my opinion on a few threads here and there.

 

I have definetly reached the indifference stage with my XW. She is taking our daughter on a vacation and needed a letter from me stating I was aware they were going and give my permission. She called me crying saying this is the first time she had seen the term ex-wife in front of her name. Uh, that is the proper term for it I told her. She said it just made her think and remember about us. I said nothing, just rolled my eyes. Then she asked how I could be so cold-hearted to her. I did bite my tongue to keep from saying, "I had a great teacher." But apparently she thought I was going to be all comforting to her as she feels whatever it is she is feeling for putting me through hell and hurting me in every way possible. Uh, no, that isn't going to happen. My compassion is no longer reserved for her.

 

I sometimes think she still believes she could have me back anytime she wants. Talk about insanity! That is never going to happen. If it wasn't for our daughter I would never even speak to her again.

[Ladyjane14]

Indifference is good. It beats the heck out of acrimony, which would just be sapping your positive energy.

 

I'm sure you're not surprised that she still prioritizes her own feelings, and expects them to be catered to. If she was capable of focusing on others.....she'd probably not be your EX-wife.

 

That's sad. But there's not a thing that YOU can do about it. She'll either develop more empathy for others over the course of her life, or she won't.

 

Meanwhile, are you getting out and dating? Vacationing? Getting out with your friends?

[Devildog]

I am doing things for myself and my enjoyment. Well, to the extent that I can. My work schedule isn't very conducive to an active social life. But I do spend time with friends, participate in hobbies and other activities I enjoy. Dating, well, we are taking that slow yet. I'm picky, don't want to waste time finding out if a woman is worth my time. Plus my biggest fear is that I may repeat the same mistakes I made in the past, i.e. continue a relationship I am unhappy in to spare hurting someone else's feelings.

[Devildog]

So get a load of this. It was my birthday this past weekend. My XW dropped my daughter off for my weekend along with a birthday present from my daughter and gave me a hug and wished me Happy Birthday.

 

So she calls me up yesterday, telling me that after the hug she has been "missing me". I guess fishing to see if there was a chance for us to hook up or something? So not going to happen. Sex, the rare occasions when we had it, were mostly about her when we were married. Plus, she never seemed all that interested in having sex when we were married, so why now?

 

Oh well, at this point I am far removed from the point where I find her even remotely physically desireable, much less emotinally desireable, so that is so not going to be happening.

[Mz. Pixie]

Oh my :sick:

 

I'm not sure I know even what to say to that!

 

Try hard to resist

[debilou]

I could be completely wrong but I think having a physical relationship with us makes them feel "in control" of our hearts.

 

After my stbxh was served with the D papers he came racing to my house, all of 3 miles away to complain about the demands. And ofcourse, co dependent me talked him down. All the usual stuff. Blah, blah, blah.

 

He was served on a Friday afternoon. I work the pm shift now. By the end of the 2 hour talk about our failed marriage he asked me to come over to his house after work.

 

He knows I want our marriage and family together. He knows I want him to get counseling and "get himself fixed".

 

Anyway, the point being, I think he feels he still owns me if we sleep together. Not! I do enjoy it. But I won't be with him again until he has a few sessions of counseling under his belt. If HE chooses to go, not at my urging.

 

We will probably divorce and that will be the end of us. Time will tell.

 

And yes, it makes me sad still. I don't know why it's so hard to let go of such a bad relationship.

 

Just venting. And thinking, over analyzing, etc.

 

I'm glad to hear you've healed your heartache. I look forward to what that might feel like.

 

Debilou

[Devildog]

Well, It has been about a week since the one year anniversary of the begining of my separation. And the first one is almost impossible to get through without looking back I have discovered. Seems there are still things that happened that still anger me. They can never be made right, I know. I have to learn to let all of them go. I have for the most part.

 

But next weekend is Halloween. My XW recently asked me if I would come along to take my daughter trick or treating. That has opened up a bit of emotion and indecision for me.

 

First, there is the history. Last year we were about two weeks into the separation when we went. And the moment that stands out in my mind from that is my daughter begging me to get in the car and come home with them. She was 2 1/2. How do you explain to a child of that age that you can't? That you want to but it isn't your choice to make? This of course leads to anger that my XW claimed that all of her decisions regarding this were with our daughter's best interest in mind.

 

The other part, most of the places we would be going are to my XW's family members. How awkward will that be? Her family adored me. Her family sided with me through everything that was going on. Her family was furious with her for what she did. How weird will it be to go there and her be there as well? If we go to her grandparent's house, her grandma will most likely hug me. They loved me more than most of their biological grandkids.

 

But then I don't want to not be there with my daughter for that. It's times like these that really makes me feel the hate for my XW and what she did out of selfishness.