Broke the two month barrier

[WreckedDan]

Imagine if you will a 5' 10" cupie doll with achne scars and a bad beard..

 

Pathetic,

Dan (ps not sure who's more pathetic atm lol)

[hayewils]

Sorry that you had to see honey boo boo..

Its rough when some of the worst fears are confirmed.

I wouldnt doubt it if my stbx is seeing someone. I think she was having an emotional affair before she left the house. Its hard for me to get those thought out of my head, and then the feeling of rejection and inadaquacy seriously sucks. But, it is what it is. She and her perfect child can be someone elses problem. I have got to move on. I drive my self insane some days. Had myself put on anti depressants to help cope a little better.i just hope and pray i dont see her or her with someone, im gonna loose all the little gains ive been making and be right back in the bottom of that hole..

[WreckedDan]

Yeah, well I saw a pic of them sitting together. It's rough to see her looking happy with somwone else while I'm so freaking miserable without her. Just gotta focus as much as I can on my little girl and do my best to survive each day... some are way worse than others... even felt myself start to slide back to sone of the less desireable impulses fron the beginning, but Iwent outside and let myself breakdown... helps, sometimes

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

I sure wish I could look at this as being free... I love/d her with all my being. Loved taking care of her and being taken care of by her, and sharing moments with pur daughter together, and our time alone together. The denial and barganing chaos in my head flat out sucks! I still can't fathom why she would downgrade in everyway... I'm sort of getting a little acceptance that she must have cause some freakin crazy bug that seems to be infecting peopke right now, but that doesn't make this any easier. Wish I was the type that could drink myself into a stupor once in a while... just want to shut this off for a day or two.

 

Hope my daughter comes through this alright,

Dan

[hayewils]

I also wish I could shut everything off. I wish my wifes memory left with her.

One thing that you had that I didn't, emotional support. She didn't do anything for me, she gave nothing to our relationship She only supported things that were wrong. that's how I see it. the very things she biotched about she supported. I am learning things more everyday, now that some fog is lifting. However, things are still hard.

I also loved my wife with every part of myself, all that I am.

it wasn't enough, or should I say, not enough for her. I am learning and understanding more and more each day that I was a doormat and question myself why? Why do I love her so much?

She did bring happiness to my life. Looking back though, she also brought torment and confusion. Living with someone who doesn't talk, wont talk when you ask them if they are ok.. Is confusing. I learned that she drove me to become the worst of myself because I had no emotional support from her. without the affection and communication from her, I became someone else, someone I found that I don't like. But that's what happens when you don't have what you need from your spouse, someone you thought loved you. I do blame her today for where we are. She brought out the best in me when we first met and dated for two years. After we got married, after the first year or so, she just got complacent and didn't put anymore effort into us. I felt I was trying so hard for her affection, I didn't get it, so I morphed into a disease. And here I am..

[debtman]

Hang in there WD. Remember, good days and bad days. BIG emotional roller coaster for the next few months. Eventually, you'll find yourself emotionally detaching from her and her memory.

 

Don't try to figure out what's up with OM. My ex left me because she found a guy who put her way up on a pedestal, focused all of his time and energy on her and made her feel like she was the most important thing to her...Of course, he was only trying to get in her pants (which he did) and he had time because he had left his wife and kids and was living on his own. That "relationship" lasted about 8 months...and she ripped our entire family apart for it.

 

He did me a HUGE favor. Gave me a chance to find myself again. Gave me the opportunity to connect with my kids in ways that I never imagined. Let me see the type of person I was married to and shattered the perfect image I had of her.

 

You're doing the right things, keep it up, stay focused...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

Blue skies...

[WreckedDan]

Love the support. Today was a rough patch. Tuesday is the day my wife picks her up, and since I have to work an extra day this week, I agreed to let her keep her till Monday. Going to be a long week. Luckily I get to see my daughter for a couple hours each day the wife goes to work. Sadly she's quitting this job in a week or two then that ends. Cried a lot when I dropped her off. Having a tough time accepting that I don't get to see her every day, don't get to kiss her good bye on my way to work each day and kiss her little warm forehead at night when I get home. My wife destroyed so much, for so little.

 

Sleepy, can't wait to get through this work day,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Wife texts me at 6:45 in the morning to tell me she's "going to pass" on having our daughter this weekend... thanks a bunch for waking me up to tell me I have to scramble to find a sitter... how freaking selfish is that BS that she won't take her on her days off... bah! Screw her!

 

So pissed,

Dan

[coaches24]

Wife texts me at 6:45 in the morning to tell me she's "going to pass" on having our daughter this weekend... thanks a bunch for waking me up to tell me I have to scramble to find a sitter... how freaking selfish is that BS that she won't take her on her days off... bah! Screw her!

 

So pissed,

Dan

 

I would text your wife that its her responsibility to find and pay a sitter since you have to work (just to piss her off). Then I would find someone to take your daughter in case she just dumps her with you. F her that she wants to put it all on you. She will keep doing it as long as you allow it. Time to fight back I think.

[WreckedDan]

Well, since it's actually my regular days I'm nit going to cause an issue she vould use against me. I've already covered it, just upset me that she woje ne up a couple hours early to tell me she didn't want to spend her tine off with her daughter. This whole tine she has spent no weekends with her. Meaning even during school time she never once spent a day with her when they both had all day. She has spent at least every Saturday with the OM. Likely Sunday as well. I on the other hand have spent 24 hours a day with my daughter on ny days off, and spent every waking non-working tine with her when I have her. My only "alone" time is when the wife has her and I'm either getting ready for work or getting home from work and have to wind down for bed. Important note, this is not a complaint. I would spend even more time with ny kid if I could. I just can't comprehend how she seems to suddenly mean so little to the wife.

 

Dan

[debtman]

WD,

 

Good for you taking care of the babysitter, taking care of your daughter and "managing" your w. You're doing everything right. Your daughter sees that, she sees that you're committed to her, while your w isn't.

 

My ex was very similar in the first few months of our separation. She was SO focused on her "new" life and caught up in how important OM made her feel that she became very selfish, didn't focus on the kids as much, let me take them pretty much whenever I wanted/could, which helped her deal with her guilt about smashing up our family and was a way to really focus on spending more time with OM to convince herself that she was making the right decision.

 

It's ALL about her at this point. If she had thought about ANYONE else for a minute, she wouldn't be making the decisions she's making, but, if she's like my ex, she's convinced herself that she's making all of these decisions FOR her kid to ensure a happy future...just not the case at all...

 

You'll never be able to get back the time with your daughter that she's taken from you, but, I guarantee that the time you DO have with your daughter will be that much more precious to you and you will take advantage of it, which will pay off immeasurably in the long run.

 

Good luck and keep posting,

 

Blue skies

[WreckedDan]

Thanks Debtman,

Your spot on with all of that. I hate this all so much, but I'm totally bonding with my daughter through this. We have actually spent more quality time together since this has gone down. My days are all mine intead of having to share them or give any of my attention to anyone else.

The wife is for sure not looking at this as being for the benefit of our daughter though. It's all about her making a new life for herself. She fing welcome to it. I can't have what I had so now I have to keep focusing on making something from scratch. Still terrifies me, still saddens me that she was hit in the face with a selfish hammer...

I got a reply from her sister, she said she didn't want to email back right away because she didn't know what my motives were... lol, I explained in my email that there was no motive but her family thinks this way. All about everything they do to benefit themselves. Anyways she said she thought that this was all just a phase and that she thought we were likely to end up back together... her brother said something similiar in his reply too. Not going to email back. And the wife has simply gone too far for me to take her back. Just hope if the time comes I can stick to my guns on that.

 

Thanks for the replies!

Dan

[lovemaynotbeenough]

Thanks Debtman,

Your spot on with all of that. I hate this all so much, but I'm totally bonding with my daughter through this. We have actually spent more quality time together since this has gone down. My days are all mine intead of having to share them or give any of my attention to anyone else.

The wife is for sure not looking at this as being for the benefit of our daughter though. It's all about her making a new life for herself. She fing welcome to it. I can't have what I had so now I have to keep focusing on making something from scratch. Still terrifies me, still saddens me that she was hit in the face with a selfish hammer...

I got a reply from her sister, she said she didn't want to email back right away because she didn't know what my motives were... lol, I explained in my email that there was no motive but her family thinks this way. All about everything they do to benefit themselves. Anyways sheo said she thought that this was all just a phase and that she thought we were likely to end up back together... her brother said something similiar in his reply too. Not going to email back. And the wife has simply gone too far for me to take her back. Just hope if the time comes I can stick to my guns on that.

 

Thanks for the replies!

Dan

 

Dan,

 

I know what you are feeling! It is all so confusing being knocked upside the head with seperation and cheating. I am going through something similar and having a really hard time getting over it. It is so hard!

 

I just wanted to tell you that you seem like a super good loving father! And that you sound like you were a wonderful husband to your wife as well.

 

I know its hard to be strong when it comes to a spouse that hurt you so badly when you thought you should be able to trust them (and you still love and miss them). But when you realize that they cant be trusted you will be better off. And I know thats harder with kids. I always start to feel better when I havent talked to my husband for a few days...then I have to deal with him for the kids and I make mistakes, say the wrong thing, ask a question I really don't want to know the answer to, and there I am again hurting like the first day of seperation. It stinks. Everyone says time will help. It has been 3 months for me now. I do think each day I realize something new about how to make me better and just keep working at it. It is teeny tiny baby steps but I know if I keep it up. I ill get to the point that I dont care about what he is doing as long as he is being a good father to our children.

 

Just know that there are others going through this too. I relate with you and sympathize! Stay strong! You can do it

[WreckedDan]

Thanks so much!

It really helps to feel like I'm not going through this alone, even though I am, but to have the support of others really helps me.

On the drive home I was listening to my Ipod that I just recently got back from the wife... still has all her play lists on it, as I have no spare cash to create my own library of music at the moment. It got to Ben Folds Five and I freakin lost it on the drive home. Our song is "The Luckiest" (check it out if you haven't heard it, it's amazing) Then "Lullabye", and "Magic" all pretty much our music that I've never shared with anyone else and all about her/us. Balled like a 5 year old stung by a bee... Then I started making lists of the music I liked on there that I need to download at some point and hit the Zeebrahead. Now I'm dancing all over the place and working out...

 

Ups and downs are freaking slaughtering me! But at least there are some ups now. I'm at the 3 month mark myself and praying I get through this somewhat intact.

 

All my thanks LS peeps,

Dan

[debtman]

WD and lmnbe,

 

The 3 month mark is a big spot and you've both made it past some of the toughest parts. Unfortunately, the downs you'll get will take you right back to the way you felt right after things ended, but, you'll also get more ups and they'll happen more consistently.

 

Also, lmnbe, your statement is SOO true "But when you realize that they cant be trusted you will be better off"

 

WD, music is tough...so are favorite eating spots, activities, etc. But you're doing the same thing I did, find some non-shared music that gets you pumped up and motivated and spend good time with that, find new places to eat, etc. You're doing the right things.

 

Don't worry too much about her family. My ex's family was super concerned about me trying to do something legally to try to make a grab for the kids, or come after her financially or legally, so I understood their suspicions. After they saw, time and time again, that I wasn't interested in taking the kids from their mom or trying to "get back" at her for her bad decisions, they realized (again) that I was really a good guy, was really focused on the kids and I still stay in touch with them.

 

Hang in there.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

Blue skies...

[hayewils]

Heck Dan,

Your doing the right thing..

I went through what your going through in 2003.

Ive got three children of my own.. at that time they were 8 and 6

boy girl twins...then another boy who now is 16 and he is great..

All of them helped me through the nightmare. it took a year and a half for that divorce to be over, in the end, I got custody of my children but I was a mental wreck. Took me actually about 5 years to recover from the hell I went through.. would've been shorter but wound up dating a fruitcake who kept me messed up.. ran her off, took three years to myself then met the woman of my dreams who would walk out on me. Kinda feel like maybe I wasn't cooked enough in 3 years.. but, wasn't all me..

Anyway, Im at about 3.5 months and Im feeling pretty good.. I thought I passed my stbx yesterday on way home but im starting to doubt it.. sent the 18 year olds to do a little undercover work for me..LOL

Nothing what I was looking for. I have come to the point I don't want that back.. She blocked me on facebook, unfriended all my family. I mean she'

s moving on.. But seeing what she has done is really disappointing, and makes me sick that I believed in and trusted her.

I guess we all have to take what the give uppers do.. accept and move on right? Its all weve got, now we take over our lives and make it better for what we have.. Our Children!!

[WreckedDan]

Trying to mentaly find a balance somewhere between knowing I can't trust her and count on her, and the fact that I have to be able to trust her with my daughter's well being when I'mnot there. I get paranoid from time to time and just try to ognore it, but she makes it very toigh.

 

Side note; early in this process I read somewhere to start and online dating profile, just to see wwhat's out there. After about ten minutes of it I started feeling sick, like I was doing something wrong. So I just ignored it for the most part. I recently checked it out again and I guess I am getting an average of 30 visitors a week... not sure if that's good, but it gave me a bit of a boost in the ego. Even replied to a couple and started some light chat with one. There is likely no way this will become much more than that, hell I still haven't filed yet!

 

Thanks for listening and the feed back friends,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

This whole experience is almost humorous... So, totally having a decent day with the kiddo. Took her to the lake near by and went swimming with her in the raging Pacific Northwest summer sun. Then on the way home, out of the blue I totally broke down. I just couldn't stop thinking of how much I missed my best friend... lol, tears just started again writing this. It's ridiculous! I miss my old life, and my amazing wife... wish she hadn't disappeared into the aether.

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

So, 4th of July coming up. My daughter will be with the wife the whole day. The OM will be there as well... very disturbed. My daughter met him briefly once before, but this is a holiday, one that I have to miss. Fairly sure I'm going to panic between now and then. My daughter told me this while I was driving to drop her off to her mother.

 

Another triggered pain,

Dan

[landshark]

So, 4th of July coming up. My daughter will be with the wife the whole day. The OM will be there as well... very disturbed. My daughter met him briefly once before, but this is a holiday, one that I have to miss. Fairly sure I'm going to panic between now and then. My daughter told me this while I was driving to drop her off to her mother.

 

Another triggered pain,

Dan

 

Dan, this is gonna happen with your daughter dropping bombs. Do something good for yourself on the fourth. Start with reading "Its called a break up because its Broken." Good stuff.....

[WreckedDan]

Daughter called me tonight bawling that she missed me and wanted to see me. Hurts so much that we've been torn apart even temporarily. It's really the one thing that I get mad about in this situation. I can truly say I love/d my wife and hope that her life doesn't suck, even though I'm sure there is no escaping that based off her decision making I've seen thus far. But that my Daughter has to suffer even an ounce over her mother's terrible mistakes pisses me off to no end! And to hear her cry like that with me not being able to be soothing drives me up the walls!

Landshark: Yeah I have to work that night until 10pm... might go out after... not sure if I'll be up to it though. One of the ladies that messaged me on that dating site is a Karaoke DJ... was sorta thinking of just driving out to where she works and check it out... waffling though, don't want to look like a stalker =)

 

Long days, longer nights,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Hey all,

I just read a post from Jstub about his success in moving forward and I am very pleased to see that for some of us there is hope. I was struck with an image of how I feel and just wanted to write this out to get it out of my head.

 

It's like we were two trees planted next to eachother and over many years our roots and branches have become entertwined. We planted and nourished a seed into a beautiful young sapling that I know will grow to becone more beautiful than either of it's parents. 3 moths ago one of those trees ripped itself out of the yard damaging all of the trees. Now I'm left with a gaping hole in the dirt, trying (sometime fuilty) to expell these tanged roots, while also trying to protect the slender and delicate roots of the smaller tree. Each time I pull a root out I feel somewhat more whole, then I feel the damage it caused on it's way out.

 

I do hope one day to be whole again. I hope the damage she has caused can heal for both myself and my lovely sapling.

 

Looking for rain and sun,

Dan

[BC1980]

You were always whole, with or without her.

[landshark]

Good for you Dan, planting a tree and getting your butt on a dating site. Tell Kareoke Girl you'd like to come and see her but make it short...feel your pain otherwise. You're in a position of little control over your shattered family. Just invest in rebuilding it and taking control of what you can...it'll happen albeit, maybe a bit slow...

[WreckedDan]

I wussed out,

On the way there it occured to me that the dogs would be freaking out with all the fireworks going on, so I just went home. Did start up a bit of a back and forth texting with soneone else though, so not a disasterous night.

 

Thanks guys!

Dan