Broke the two month barrier

[worldgonewrong]

Something I want to ask you personally is; you say you've met the love of your life... did you not feel that way with your ex? I personally fear deeply that opening myself to anything like this again is self defeating...

 

Whew, good question.

Let me put it this way: we met when we were very young. I had a Knight-in-Shining-Armor complex; she perpetually needed 'saving', which made me feel like a big man. If I'm being honest, I never felt she was the love of my life, because I never felt that she 'got' me nor made the effort to get me; it was all about her. Nor did I ever perceive her as my 'best friend', which is what a man should be able to recognize in his other half - that was a warning sign that I ignored. Through years & years, I was just too chickensh_t to dump her, and by the time we had kids later, that sealed the deal (while not suspecting she'd dump me).

 

Don't have a fear of giving yourself again to someone in the future. To fully love IS to risk, constantly. The lesson(s) learned in the aftermath of a failed relationship help you to hopefully see more clearly what you really want in a new relationship -- basic stuff like respect & communication & mutual adoration perhaps. The sex part is just a small fraction, which most people forget.

[WreckedDan]

Thanks tons WGW,

Sadly she was my best friend, she got me, our relationship was very mutual at l least fir 12 of our 13 years. It was a true partnership. That's why this was so out of the blue to me and I think why this has hit me so terribly hard. And the last year she had me believing she was happy while slowly constructing her way to leave... wish I had recognized it...

 

Thanks for the post friends,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

... wife deleted her Facebook account and started a new private one under her maiden name... did not see that coming, the pain is totally refreshed... we still haven't filed anything yet, guess she's never coming back now... shaking all over

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

This is obviously where NC/LC comes into play... asked her why she deleted her facebook, as there were lots of photos there that still meant a lot to me.. she said that Facebook had a lot of privacy leaks and she never uses it... of course she has already started one under her maiden name...

 

Incomming blame shifting and gas lighting... she started blaming me for her losing her best friend and her brother on me... her best friend, she hasn't contacted since way back and her friend said to me that she never syopped being her friend, and her brother,.. no clue he is afeiend of mine and hates her side of the family but if he wants nothing to do with her that's no fault of mine... seriously rough day. My daughter is totally solo riding a bike after two days with me helping her.learn and I would have rwally liked to share that experience with my wife.

 

FML, so freaking sad!

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Sitting at home, daughter is asleep, warm outside, sky is clear, stars are out and I'm alone... my brain can't fathom why she is not here with me...

 

Hate days like this,

Dan

[aloneinaz]

i Dan,

 

A couple of thoughts as I read through this thread.

 

1) Why are you waiting for HER to file the paperwork? Why don't you take the first step to moving on with your life by filing. Do you really want her back after she cheated on you and left you like this? How would you ever trust her again?

 

2) During break ups, we all tend to only remember THE GOOD things about our ex's. Reality is a different thing. Often times you can sit down with a pad and pen and write down the good things about your ex and then the bad things about your ex. If you're honest, you can identify that she's wasn't this perfect partner that you're feeling she was now.

 

3) Have you asked yourself if you're missing her or the companionship? Trust me. It's a shock to our system to suddenly not have that person in our lives that we spent so much time with. I'm in the same position. I'm struggling with spending so much time alone suddenly when I use to spend so much time w/my ex-gf.

 

I think you need to not be so hard on yourself and recognize that you're healing from a pretty significant life change. Of course you're going to feel the way you do, it's normal. Your challenge is to start taking back control of your life/future by moving on away from your ex.

 

Theres a favorite quote I like. "Whether you think you can or can't, your right".

[worldgonewrong]

Dan- That whole Facebook shenanigans is textbook. Back in early 2011, bam, the then-stbx blocked me. Don't let it destroy you. It's high-school/immature antics.

[WreckedDan]

I think I haven't filed mostly due to fear, and timing is rpugh with my work schedule... I'm well over an hour drive from the county courthouse.

 

I have been expecting her to block me for a while or to change her status to seperated or soemthing, but she actually deleted it. Felt like she was erasing her life that we spent together.

 

Gonna go back to sleep for a bit,

Dan

[worldgonewrong]

I have been expecting her to block me for a while or to change her status to seperated or something, but she actually deleted it. Felt like she was erasing her life that we spent together.

 

Eff her.

 

Develop your life, separately, and throw that on Facebook, if you're so inclined.

[WreckedDan]

Damn it, I just got an email from my daughter's teacher about the last days of school approaching and I'm in tears.

 

To reply to aloninaz a bit more. Yes I'm missing the companionship, no doubt. But I can't imagine anyone else filling that void. I've had friends over and it just feels hollow. I totally miss her. Even when all we had to talk about was mundane, the conversations were meaningful to me at least. You are right that I mostly remember the good things, but the bad things were never "bad" they were just less good. I will try to make that list today at work and see what I can come up with.

 

Yes I could trust her again. With some work on her part. I know she's not coming back though. I just wish that wasn't true. She gave up a lot to "start her own life" it's hard to fathom what reason she could have for doing that. My mind is fighting me these last couple days.

 

My daughter will be at my wife's place now for the next 3 days. I hate so much that it's all been torn apart. My daughter told me today before she left "Don't tell mommy, but her place is really boring" and she tells me she would rather be here with me than there. I just wish she was old enough that her opinion mattered to the courts..

 

So thought I was done with the tears,

Dan

[notbroken]

Dan,

 

Time marches on no matter what. Sorry for what you are going through. Been there.

 

It sounds like you know deep down that she is not coming back. Honestly, you don't really want her to. What she has done would be like a cloud hanging over you both for the rest of your life. She won't fully respect you, you won't fully respect yourself (which can be very damaging), and you'll always wonder if she is there for good or really loves you or is just 'doing it for the kids'. Honestly, divorce is inevitable - either now or at some point in the future. I'm sorry about that, but it is likely a fact. If it was somehow rescued, it would be very difficult to ever be completely happy again.

 

You are delaying the pain by not filing. Delaying the process of getting it over and actually moving on. File ASAP. No excuses. No delays. FILE.

 

Yes that's painful. Yes it may mean time off from work. Yes it means you won't reconcile. But do it.

 

Tell her that she has dishonored herself, you (but mostly herself), and your family and your marriage is done. You'd like to be as friendly as possible but you can no longer be married. Refuse to argue with her. If she starts arguing just tell her you refuse and to contact you again when she can be calm. If she doesn't calm down then reemphasize you won't argue and hang up. It almost inevitably will get ugly at some stage. She will 'project' her anger on you. You will be made out to be very bad so she can justify what she did to herself and others. Don't buy into that. You aren't bad.

 

Get in the gym. Walk. Run. Bicycle.

 

Make a home for your daughter.

 

Never speak badly about your ex to your daughter. It only hurts her. No point.

 

Stick up for what's yours in the settlement. Be fair. Give her 1/2. Absolutely no more - but no less.

 

Don't look at her facebook page. Ever. No good can come from that. Block it from hers.

 

Stay away from alcohol and drugs. An occasional night out with friends is ok, but don't make it a crutch.

 

Find someone you can confide in - and do it. Either a therapist or a good friend.

 

You are somewhat 'temporarily insane' (yep). Don't make big decisions during this time (new house, new car, new job, etc). Delay those decisions if possible. Ask someone you trust if you are making the right move if you have to do something like that.

 

In any case, best of luck.

 

It won't be easy, but at some point you will likely realize you really weren't meant to be together and you will ultimately be happier.

 

You will get through this.

[WreckedDan]

The only reason she won't come back is that she would think she failed at doing things on her own. She left a perfect life to prove something to herself.

 

Arrg sorry, likely gonna vent a lot today,

Dan

[worldgonewrong]

The only reason she won't come back is that she would think she failed at doing things on her own. She left a perfect life to prove something to herself.

 

You give her too much credit, almost apologetically so, if you catch my drift.

She's not doing jack on her own if she's leaped into the arms of another guy.

This isn't about 'personal discovery' for her; it's about selfish b.s.

[WreckedDan]

So check this out, I get a text from the wife saying we have a problem and check my email. So I check my email and there is something from my daughters teacher saying she was eating weeds in the playground and they weren't going to let her go on the 2nd grade field trip if one of her parents doesn't go with her. So my wife calls and tells me shw can't take the day off because she's affraid she will lose her job because she called in sick to work yestreday because she was having an "emotional day" wtf?

 

Freakin out,

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

So check this out, I get a text from the wife saying we have a problem and check my email. So I check my email and there is something from my daughters teacher saying she was eating weeds in the playground and they weren't going to let her go on the 2nd grade field trip if one of her parents doesn't go with her. So my wife calls and tells me shw can't take the day off because she's affraid she will lose her job because she called in sick to work yestreday because she was having an "emotional day" wtf?

 

Freakin out,

Dan

 

how old is your daughter? is the school aware of your situation? if not they do need to know, call the school for a chat...to be honest if this is the first time the school has had any concern with your daughter, they are being very over the top!

 

As far as your W is concerned rely on her for nothing and just focus on your daughter..her happiness and supporting her.

 

have you got counseling for her yet? have a chat with her after you've spoken to the school

[Shocked Suzie]

how old is your daughter? is the school aware of your situation? if not they do need to know, call the school for a chat...to be honest if this is the first time the school has had any concern with your daughter, they are being very over the top!

 

As far as your W is concerned rely on her for nothing and just focus on your daughter..her happiness and supporting her.

 

have you got counseling for her yet? have a chat with her after you've spoken to the school

 

Just re seen she is 8! whats the matter with the bloody school!!! call them find out if there is any other cause for concern if there isn't then they need to pull their heads in and do their job!

[WreckedDan]

I got with my boss and changed my shift to 4pm to 12am so I can take her to the field trip and work after... gonna be a long day but I'll do anything for my daughter. Yeah, the school is for sure way overboard on this, but I'm not going to flip out at them, just make me look bad to the school. Her teacher is aware of my wife leaving me.

 

What sucks is my wife has her the night before and the night of...

 

Freakin waste,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Man, when I started this second thread I really thought things were getting better... suppose it's too much to ask for to really be healing in only 2 moths after 13 years of love lost...

 

Pain,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Suzie,

I am waiting for school to get out and then I will get her councelling on Mondays when I jave her. As I have her Sat, Sun, Mon really my only option right now.

 

Thanks guys, all of you for your support. My RL support system is shot at thos point so I'm leaning on LS right now.

 

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

Man, when I started this second thread I really thought things were getting better... suppose it's too much to ask for to really be healing in only 2 moths after 13 years of love lost...

 

Pain,

Dan

 

yes it is ... i'm nearing the 6 month stage and its still tough, but trust me a lot clearer and less painful...you will get there!

 

I would be a bit annoyed with the school personally, i would chat with the head and just say that you are there at all times for them to contact you with regards to anything and you would appreciate their support...eating weeds at 8 is no big deal...it might have looked nice communicate with the school on any changes.

 

have you seen your doctor with your daughter? i was recommended to counselor via mine and also given i think 8 free sessions, not sure if that sort of service is available for you were you are.

 

enjoy the day trip, they are usually fun and it will be another fab bonding day...one that again your ex will miss out on!

[WreckedDan]

Thanks Suzie,

I get 6 free visits for myself or any family members, so I'm covered there. Yes, now that the fresh shock is wearing off I'm starting to just look forward to the field trip. Plus I get to see her on one of my days I normally wouldn't so really I'm sorta glad about it. Tonight I go home alone. Gonna have two drinks, watch a show and do laundry, dishes and vaccumme.

 

Cleaning helps me a lot,

Tomorrow, more yard work!

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

good on ya...its good to have simple plans shame your not local you could clean my house

 

Enjoy you day

[WreckedDan]

Too funny,

I clean mine cause I don't want to leave but gotta stay busy

 

Dan

 

"I need a quote here like everyone else..."

[coaches24]

yes it is ... i'm nearing the 6 month stage and its still tough, but trust me a lot clearer and less painful...you will get there!

 

I would be a bit annoyed with the school personally, i would chat with the head and just say that you are there at all times for them to contact you with regards to anything and you would appreciate their support...eating weeds at 8 is no big deal...it might have looked nice communicate with the school on any changes.

 

have you seen your doctor with your daughter? i was recommended to counselor via mine and also given i think 8 free sessions, not sure if that sort of service is available for you were you are.

 

enjoy the day trip, they are usually fun and it will be another fab bonding day...one that again your ex will miss out on!

 

Dan as a teacher for 11 years (HS so I am less familiar with elementary) and I can tell you that Parents have the most power in the school system. I have seen my district fold at the slightest hint of a parent complaint. Esspecially with something minor like this sounds. Talk to the teacher and if your not satisfied then talk to her admin. Honestly in my job the people who drive me nuts the most are not the kid, parents or admin, it's the other teachers. Some teachers get to be so petty about things and just need a swift kick in the rear to get them back on track. And you have the ability to give that swift kick. And you shouldn't have to make a big deal over things just make sure they know how you feel about the situation in a respectful manner and they most likely will respond favorably.

[WreckedDan]

Thanks Coach!

I will bring it up during the field trip, seems sorta pointless now as I'm glad to have the excuse to be with her on a special day. But yeah, I'll explain to her teacher the reality behind it, that she was just eating wild chamomile which her mother has shown her time and time again... but I will certianly keep your words in mind next time the achool tries to pull something like this again. My daughter's heart would be crushed not to be able to go...

 

Thanks guys for being there,

Dan