Broke the two month barrier

[BC1980]

I know you can't see clearly right now, but you have to emotionally detach yourself from her. Then, you can see her for who she is. You said she is an alcoholic, and she cheated on you. Objectively, those are two pretty bad things.

 

Also, even if you had her back, do you really want that after what has happened? I think what you really want is what you thought you had or had at one point.

 

I didn't go through a divorce, but I did live with my ex. We were together 3 yrs. It felt like a death at one point. Only when I was able to emotionally detach and see him for what he was, then I was able to make it through the day. I really deserve more than he could give me. I just so badly wanted it to be him that gave it to me, was able to forever give me the life I dreamed of.

 

I have been reading your posts for a few days, and I felt compelled to comment because you seem so out of hope. Listen, you have hope, and you deserve better than an alcoholic who cheats on you. She isn't who you thought she was. You must come to grips with that fact. I'm so sorry, but you must do it. Otherwise, this quicksand of what could have, should have, might have been will drag you under.

 

One day at a time. The fog will lift at some point. My situation isn't nearly as bad because there is no child involved or the legal aspect of a divorce, but heartache is heartache. It's sadly universal. Listen to everyone who has been posting. They have been where you are and have made it to the other side.

[WreckedDan]

Thanks 1980,

She isn't who she was, she has a strange chameleon ability that she conforms to the person she gets invoved with... but her and I were together so long. You're right a feel a sever lack of hope. Mytime with my daughter really helps me, my time without her my mind attacks me.

 

My daughter and I spent the day over at my friend's place where she was able to play with his kids. She loved that. I went to go find bike tires for my brother's old bike, but turns out he had a tricked out racing bike so couldn't find the custom tires for it... might have to look on Craig's List and just get a bike... seems like a lot of posters say go be around friends, but spending time outside of just me and my girl causes me to lose focus and then the depression kicks in.

 

Thanks for reading and posting,

Dan

[BC1980]

The first month was so bad for me. It felt like no matter what I did, there always a dark cloud hanging over me. My mom and my sister took me on vacation to try to cheer me up, but I ended up not even having that great of a time. It just seemed like why would I want to have good time doing anything when I was not with who I thought was my life partner. I thought, what if it's always like this?

 

I'll tell you what also helped me. Finding a new hobby to really get into. For me, it has been hiking. It's really cleansing to find out who I am outside of this relationship. I think it's so easy to get caught up in "us" that we forget there is an "I." You exist as a person outside of your marriage. You are valid and able to find happiness as an individual. No one person holds the key to your happiness except yourself. You are worth more than the sum of your marriage.

 

I had to dig really deep to find myself after this hell I've been through, and it's been absolute hell. You have two choices: fight and move forward or sink. You don't deserve to have to make this choice under these circumstances, but your wife has brought you to this. Only you can control your future.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

My daughter and I spent the day over at my friend's place where she was able to play with his kids. She loved that. I went to go find bike tires for my brother's old bike, but turns out he had a tricked out racing bike so couldn't find the custom tires for it... might have to look on Craig's List and just get a bike... seems like a lot of posters say go be around friends, but spending time outside of just me and my girl causes me to lose focus and then the depression kicks in.

 

Thanks for reading and posting,

Dan

 

Keep it simple. Walk for exercise. Run around the block. Indeed, get a cheap bike off Craigslist Put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time.

 

Time will go by, distance will follow and perspective after that. Believe it or not, things will start to make sense including your plans for a future life. Just got to get started ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[WreckedDan]

I guess the hurdle I'm having the utmost difficulty with is "emotionally detaching" myself from the woman I let into my heart, the woman that gave birth to my daughter in a tub while sitting on my lap, the woman that I created a life around.

 

What's the trick?

Dan

[coaches24]

I guess the hurdle I'm having the utmost difficulty with is "emotionally detaching" myself from the woman I let into my heart, the woman that gave birth to my daughter in a tub while sitting on my lap, the woman that I created a life around.

 

What's the trick?

Dan

 

As far as I can tell the only trick is distance and time. Time is self explanatory and distance is just not seeing her and only communicating about the kids (and keeping it as short and civil as possible). May be other ways that others have found but that's all I can think of right now.

[WreckedDan]

Sharing a daughter makes not seeing her impossible. I pray healing gets easier. Letting that love go is like tearing off a full body scab...

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Holy heck... daughter in bed, brother came over to watch a show I record on my DVR just as he and his girl lwft I was blindsided by a tidal wave of emotion and loss... crap I rarely cried at night even in the beginning... what the hell. I love and miss my wife so much. This is crazy

 

Too much,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Knocked me to the floor, can't stop crying... this is so bad can barely breath

[WreckedDan]

That was the single worst episode I've had... had to call the crisis line... my body felt like it was on fire, couldn't breath, couldn't stand... now I'm wiped out... gonna go to bed... Think I was overy distracting myself over the last few days.

 

wow...

Dan

[NJtoDC]

Oh, I'm sorry you're having such a rough night. I hope you are able to get some rest. Do you think the stress might be causing you to struggle with anxiety? I had a life changing event last year that had me wanting to crawl out of my skin, I felt much like you describe and my blood pressure was through the roof. Have you seen your doctor?

Edited June 10, 2013 by NJtoDC

[debtman]

WD,

 

All I can say (which was said to me so many times in the first few months) is that it does get easier...sorry for the pain now. I remember it vividly and, anytime I'm dealing with my ex and I feel a twinge of emotion, I remember that pain she caused me and remind myself that I will never put myself in that situation again, where my happiness is so tied into and dependent on someone else that I lose myself.

 

The last few years of my marriage my ex kept asking for more and more. I gave up my hobbies, my friends, my activities and spent all my time taking care of stuff at home, taking care of the kids, fixing my debt by taking on every freelance job I could get (because financial security was such a big issue for her and it had caused problems for us before), and she still decided that our marriage wasn't worth saving because she found another guy that put her up on a pedestal, told her how amazing and beautiful she was (which she is...except for the fact that she's so insecure and unhappy with her own situation that she can't be happy in a relationship for any amount of time).

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You don't want to go through this again...

 

I had my 40th birthday 3 weeks after she told me everything was over. I know where you are. Everyone heals at a different speed. It took me about 6 months before things started to improve dramatically...because I MADE them. I decided that life is too damn short to give her another day of my emotions. I dated a little, but quickly decided that I didn't want to do the rebound thing. I focused on myself and my kids. I got out and tried new things. I got out and started doing the things that I used to love to do before I got together with my ex. I FOUND myself again. After a year I spent some time with a much younger woman I had known from volleyball for several years and that was lots of fun, but I could tell I wasn't ready for any emotional attachment, so, we eventually broke up, but are still friends. After another year I met the girl I'm going out with now. There are other amazing women out there. LOTS of them. Don't worry about that right now. Focus on yourself...go find some things that make you happy. Find new groups of friends. Re-establish old friendships. Find new hobbies, try new things. Wear yourself out and occupy your time so much that you distract yourself from the pain and stop dwelling on what was.

 

She CHEATED on you with someone else. She cared so little about you and the FAMILY that you started together that she didn't give it a second thought when she was with this other ***hole. She doesn't deserve you. SHE made the mistake...SHE lost out on a good guy for something new...which won't last.

 

Focus on yourself. Focus on your daughter. It gets better...really...but YOU have to take steps to make it happen. You'll come out of this a better, stronger person that will know what it takes to make YOU happy. That will be the best thing you can do for yourself and for your daughter.

 

Good luck and keep posting...blue skies!

[WreckedDan]

Thanks folks,

Yeah last night was... amazing to me. Never felt like that before in my life.. I saw my MD early on in this and my BP was barely above normal. Suppose I could go again? The crisis line just kept telling me to stay on the kitchen floor and not get up till it was over or I may pass out. That was crazy.

 

Debtman- I never gave up my hobbies, my wife encourged them and shared in them with me. "New hobbies" is something I can barely comprehend as I never stopped being me for us. If anything she did less of the things she would normally have done. As I mentioned before it's part of her chameleon aspect, she glommed onto my life style, but we already had so much in common that she didn't miss out on much, and the few things I wasn't into she still did with family, which I also encouraged her to do, like camping.

 

Dan

[BC1980]

Like debtman said, you have to MAKE yourself detach because it won't happen naturally. It's so hard to do that, but the alternative is what happened the other night. You hold the power. Once you realize how much control you have, it's empowering. Don't allow her anymore control of her emotions. It's active. You have to dedicate yourself to detaching from her.

 

It's hard because we want to keep holding onto the past. We want to think this person is who we thought they were. Who wants to have fallen in love with someone who treated you like trash. I still can't believe it myself. But I don't even allow myself to think about him.

 

Here is my best advice. Whenever you want to reminisce, remind yourself in an objective and unemotional way exactly how this person betrayed you and treated you like garbage. It really works to do this. A friend of mine said this helped her, and she is right. Slowly but surely, you will detach from her and see her for who she is. NEVER, I mean never allow yourself to indulge in any memories or sadness related to her. Now, it takes will power for sure, but this helped me so much.

Edited June 11, 2013 by BC1980

[WreckedDan]

Today, got a cheap bike and spent the day riding witg my daughter. Hope we make this a habbit, both of us can use the excersize. Came home, made a yummy dinner for us, put on a new movie and just ejoyed our time together. She called her mom to say good night and I broke down again. Nothing like last night, just a normal welling of unstoppable tears. Got past it, did some reading with her, and she was off to bed. Tomorrow I will make her breakfast, put her on the bus to school and not see her for 3 days... none of this should be like this. 6 months eh? Got 3 and 1/2 to go... I really don't want to let go of the past... it was great. Why would I want to just erase things the way she has?

 

Sorta confused,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Stupid denaial/depression loop

 

Arrg,

Dan

[BC1980]

You can't question her reasons because there will never be a satisfactory answer. Anything she says will raise more questions for you. It's a cycle that keeps repeating itself when you try to figure out what is going on in someone else's head.

 

You're right. It shouldn't be this way. You should be a family. Sadly, your wife did not keep her vows. This is on her. You deserve much better. There's always a tendency to initially put someone on a pedestal when they leave you. You can't see objectively right now.

 

I think you are still in denial, and that might be your biggest obstacle at this point. I've been there, and I know how awful it is to be forced to admit the reality. It's devastating. It takes awhile sometimes.

Edited June 11, 2013 by BC1980

[WreckedDan]

So, need some advice here.

 

My daughter and I were driving home from an outing, and she said " None of this is your fault, mommy betrayed us."

 

I just reminded her that her mommy still loves her very much, but didn't know how else to respond. My 8yr old is super observant, and empathic, I know I can't hide anything from her, and neither can my wife. But I need to know what the right thing is to say in these moments.

 

Thanks,

Dan

[coaches24]

So, need some advice here.

 

My daughter and I were driving home from an outing, and she said " None of this is your fault, mommy betrayed us."

 

I just reminded her that her mommy still loves her very much, but didn't know how else to respond. My 8yr old is super observant, and empathic, I know I can't hide anything from her, and neither can my wife. But I need to know what the right thing is to say in these moments.

 

Thanks,

Dan

 

I think you did the right thing on saying mommy still loves her. My 4 yo has said things to me about my wife as well and my answers are always either "I don't know " or "mommy still loves you". All I have told her about what's going on is that sometimes mommies and daddies have problems and they have to try and fix things if they can. I make sure not to make negative comments about my wife in front of my daughter no matter what.

 

I have often had to leave the room and cry after my some of my daughters comments and questions. I find a way to distract her with TV or toys or food and then go in another room and let it out. Hasn't happend in a couple weeks though so that's good I guess.

 

I also ask my daughter regularly how she feels and what it means to feel that way ( depending on her answer). I have her now drawing me pictures of how she feels because she isn't always able to use her words to tell me. But she has really taken to the picture drawing to show her feelings. I explained to her about different colors like red means angry, blue means sad, green and yellow mean happy for us ( I said green and she said yellow because she loves yellow so I went with it) etc.

 

With an 8 year old she can express herself much better but still may not always have the words or understanding. I would listen to her when she wants to talk and keep reassuring her of both you and mommies love for her. Be understanding to what she feels regardless of what it is and let her know its normal but never say negative things about her mother even when she does.

 

The absolute worst part of my parents getting divorced when I was 17 was having to hear my mom bash my dad all the time. He absolutely deserved it having cheated on my mom and abandoning all of us (Mom, brother and myself) but I still didnt want to hear my mom say what a nasty person he was and it still effects how I feel around my mom to this day ( 23 years later). I love my mom but we are not close at all.

[WreckedDan]

Glad to hear I handeled that right, tough not to just agree with her, but I know she'snot old enough to understand mommy decided she wanted to bone someone new and that fact was more important than the well being of her husband and daughter that love her deeply. So... side question... do i get to bad mouth the OM? I assume not but as I see his a a predator of maried women, seems I should prepare my daughter for the inevitable doom of this relationship. It should aslo be noted that I think my wife only spends her weekends with him, so iit's not like she is living with him... not sure id that matters. Day without the daughter, had a coupke drinks and did some light cleaning/distractions...

 

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

Glad to hear I handeled that right, tough not to just agree with her, but I know she'snot old enough to understand mommy decided she wanted to bone someone new and that fact was more important than the well being of her husband and daughter that love her deeply. So... side question... do i get to bad mouth the OM? I assume not but as I see his a a predator of maried women, seems I should prepare my daughter for the inevitable doom of this relationship. It should aslo be noted that I think my wife only spends her weekends with him, so iit's not like she is living with him... not sure id that matters. Day without the daughter, had a coupke drinks and did some light cleaning/distractions...

 

Dan

 

 

Think bad mouthing either isn't a good idea 'I know it's tempting' but you just don't want those bad thoughts running through her little mind...kids have their own thoughts and mind, she will make up her own judgment...when she is older she will look back and see that you done ok by her and you will know your not the one who put bad thoughts into her head because you didn't bad mouth her mum and looked out for her

[worldgonewrong]

I guess the hurdle I'm having the utmost difficulty with is "emotionally detaching" myself from the woman I let into my heart, the woman that gave birth to my daughter in a tub while sitting on my lap, the woman that I created a life around.

 

What's the trick?

Dan

 

I understand the pain, particularly with the emotional bond of having created a child(ren) together and then witnessing the birth(s).

 

The trick, as someone said, is time.

Also, it helps if you view your wife as a once-normal person who has been infected and turned into a brain-eating zombie. She's not the same person, period. It's tough, but you have to get comfortable with that idea.

[WreckedDan]

Too funny, my daughter has told me "mommy got a disease and it cut a wire in her head..." that's how she explains it heck, she's already smarter than I am lol

 

Love that little girl,

Dan

[aliveagain]

WreckedDan, it sometimes takes us betrayed spouse's a lot of time to finally see the imbalance in our relationship with our wayward spouse. They have a huge head start in dealing with the relationship because they have been preparing themselves for confrontation and it's fallout the entire time the affair has been going on as well as the time before it started when they justified to themselves that they deserved the affair. The imbalance is "you still allow your wife to hold the primary position in her heart while she has allowed an other man to take your place in hers." This was done with her approval, it was intentional and by her choice. There is only one way to get through this and that is to let her have what she wants, it just doesn't include you. In her fantasy world she thinks that you and other man will become accepting of each other, friends, that you will babysit while she and other man act single. She's pissed at you because your not behaving the way she expects you to act. Time, time, time is the only thing that will eventually lessen the hurt you feel, the sooner you start the process the sooner you will get to the other side, there is no other way. One day you will be getting ready for bed and you will realize that you never thought of her once, what a great feeling but one also mixed with sadness as you now know that she is becoming more of a memory.

Edited June 12, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[WreckedDan]

So, this morning I was awoken by a text from the wife saying my daughter's shoes were wet so they were going to stop by and pick up another pair of shoes. I got to see my little girl this morning So while they were here, my wife looked mad about something. After they left I got a text again saying that we shouldn't do that again because it made my daughter miss me. I tood her that she will be fine, what else could we do, she needed shoes, just let her call me after work if she's still having a rough time. Then I asked her why she looked mad. She said "It's hard for me too, I am emotional" I simply replied "K" and didn't say any more... just mowed the lawn for 2 hours the whole tine I was rationally thinking about how I was not going to take her back now, she's been gone too long, she's still getting pounded by some douche bag... she's not worth it. Still hurts that she has done this to us, to my daughter, to me, to my family.

 

Hope I can hold on to this,

Dan