Broke the two month barrier

[BC1980]

Just keep reminding yourself that she is not the person you married. It is like a death almost; you are grieving that death. So much has happened to irrevocably change the dynamics of the relationship that it could never be what it was. What you really want back is the past; you don't actually want her back in the present. I doubt you would want what you would be getting back if she were to suddenly come home and change her mind. I worked with a guy who had a cheating spouse come back and beg him back. He wouldn't even take her at that point because too much had changed. It wasn't the same relationship. Of course, in the beginning, he would have done anything to have her back.

 

Admitting that she is not the person she once was is going to be the hardest part, but, once you are able to do that, you can begin to move forward. I know you don't want to move forward right now. I've been in that place, and I am sure most people here have. We want to cling onto what little remains of the past, even if we know it's only in our heads.

 

More than anything, instead of wanting your marriage back, you want this to never have happened. Because she made a choice that irrevocably change everything.

[worldgonewrong]

Hold onto that realization: "she's not worth it".

Anyone who inflicts that much deep pain, hurt, mistrust on you is NOT worth the good in you. Your life is a gift. She's proven herself undeserving of the gift that is you.

 

Remember, amidst the worst of everything that Life throws at you, Life does indeed go on. Look at your daughter - a child; children exhibit a sort of drive/determination/fortitude that adults lose touch with. For your daughter, Life does go on, and you're always her daddy, period. This is her childhood, now, and it's fleeting - but you can still make it a GREAT one for her, regardless of the bombshell thrown into the marriage/family.

In about 10 years time, when my kids are old enough to talk with me adult-to-adult, I want them to at least feel like they knew I was always in their corner. That's the important stuff. Everything else - e.g. your wife's soap opera - is bullsh_t and meaningless in the Big Picture.

It's a tough pill to swallow (as I swallowed it too): you're not going to get the 'nuclear family' that you envisioned. It's gone, blown away, but...hand to God, there's LOADS OF HAPPINESS awaiting you in the future if you channel your spirit/heart in that direction.

[WreckedDan]

Well, today is the wifes birthday. I sent her a happy birthday text last night before I crashed. Didn't expect a response and wasn't disapointed. Woke up a bit early, spent my time working in the yard... I might actually be starting to enjoy that. Earlier shift today at work so I will be home in time to finish up some cleaning I want to get done... seems I'm holding on fairly well again today. Last night stress started slipping back in but I was able to ignore it for the most part... tomorrow is my daughter's last day of school so I get to pick her up due to a half day and spend some time with her before the wife comes over to watch her while I'm at work. And since school is out I told her she can wait up for me to get home. Really looking forward to our weekend...

 

Hopefull?

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Well sh*t... just got a call from the wife saying now that school is out she doesn't want to watch my daughter at my place, and she wants me to drive out an hour from work to pick herup at 11 at night and bring her another hour drive home.. keep in mind my wife comutes this every day for work so she is not put out by this in any way.

 

Suggestions?

Dan

[BC1980]

This is the kind of unforseen sh*t that divorce causes when children are involved. I have no experience in this area, but, at the worst, your daughter could spend the night with her mother those nights you work. I know that is not the solution your or your daughter want though.

 

Another thought is a compromise of sorts. Maybe you could drive your daughter to your wife's, and she could drive her home. I am afraid I am going to have to punt this one to the posters who have dealt this issues. Sorry I can't be more helpful.

 

BTW, I would not even text a Happy B-day message. I know it seems awful not to, but you are not on those terms anymore. There is no friendly, in between unfortunately when you have this much history with someone.

[WreckedDan]

Man I felt so freakin solid.. she called me again and just expected me to let her have things this way. She wants to have her sister watch my daughter.. not happening, domestic violence history there. She just doesn't get it... I contacted a moderate means program to hopefully get a lawyer... feelibg very frustrated right now, my heart is pounding feel sick all over again.

 

Since she was adamant about no longer watching our daughter at my place on Fridays, because it "hurts her too much to be there" I have to find someone to watch her tomorrow night while I'm at work

 

BAD WORDS!

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Well I bowed to her wishes... she will have her Friday until I can get there (an hour drive) to pick up my daughter. Not sure if that's the best thing but I have to accept she wasn't going to be coming to my place once a week forever... maybe it will be a good thing, if not for the two hours driving after a 9 hour shift at work. We agreed to get the ball rolling on the divorce, which means I have to file. I got a call in to a lawyer that will give me a consuktation, and now I think I will be more prepared with the right questions.

 

Please wish me luck next week,

Dan

[BC1980]

I am sorry, but it's better to go ahead and file I think. It's better than waiting around in limbo. That is emotionally destructive because you can't move forward. I am sure the other posters can give you advice on the legalities.

[WreckedDan]

Took my daughter swimming today, then back home to change, then we went for a short bike ride before I had to go to work. Cried some again, jist tears and regrets but got through it. Tomorrow I hope to jave another full day of good times with my daughter.

 

Happy Father'sday to all the guys hurtin like me,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Found myself a lawyer, have an apointment set up for Thursday, terrified, but she sounded really cool, and just what we need for some kind of amicable soulution. Wish me luck!

Spent the day doing yard work and a friend came over with his kids. My daughter got to play with them for a few hours and was very happy.

 

Decent day, nice sunburn,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

So last few days I've had my daughter and been pretty up... Today being Tuesday my wife has her for the next few days. We have an agreement that who ever has her makes sure the other gets a good night call between 8:30 and 9. I always make sure she gets her calls on time when I have her, but it seems more than not that I have to text and ask for the call. Tonight I texted at 9:34 asking for my call... then waited until 9:50 and called her phone. This irks me so much, compkete lack of respect, not to mention keeping things routine for my daughter!

 

???,

Dan

[Steadfast]

...We have an agreement...

 

Make no agreements with her. Don't put yourself in a position to be disappointed again. STOP trying to make her do anything Dan!

 

In this case, talk to your daughter when she's with you. No calls to her either, then. If she calls, answer if you feel like it. Or don't. If she complains, wait until she's finished pushing air then ask "Are you done?"

 

Flush it and move about your business. She'll get the message. Maybe.

[WreckedDan]

Thanks SF but the agreement is more about making sure our daughter gets to hear from us when we don't have her... otherwise I'm doing really well I think.

 

More later,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

I'm trying to focus on creating an environment for solid coparenting. The last couple of times I'veseen or spoken to the wife I have been positive and pleasant. I ddon't want her back any more, and I'm finally meeting with a lawyer tomorrow... I'd like to fast track this so I can get into a routine. I feel it's best for young children to have a routine so there is less confusion, especially when they have to go through this with us.

 

Thanks again for posting,

Dan

[Steadfast]

Thanks SF but the agreement is more about making sure our daughter gets to hear from us when we don't have her...

 

Your ex is crapping on it and it bugs you. But you must! No Dan. You don't.

 

You choose to believe your wife will keep her word where your child is concerned? Your call. Experience tells me otherwise. Hope you're right.

[debtman]

WD,

 

You're doing great...hang in there. SOOO hard when the OP doesn't work with you where the kids are concerned but, try to not let it bother you. Just because your daughter doesn't call doesn't mean she wasn't thinking about you, needs to be reminded you care, etc. Just means your stbx was "too busy"

 

I started off feeling the need to talk to my kids every night and say goodnight to them. Initially, I went to "our" house every night to put them to bed. Once OM moved in, it turned into phone calls and, after a few months, I realized that the phone calls were more for me than for the kids. They were fine. They knew I loved them and would see then the next day. Now, I can go 2-3 days without feeling that I need to talk with my kids. Anytime they want to talk to me (and they often do) they tell their mom and they call me. And it works the same when I have them.

 

As far as the driving...uggg...my ex lives 45 minutes away because that's the "only place" she could find a house that she could afford, even though our initial agreement stated she had to live within 30 minutes of me. Of course, it was more expensive than our house, much nicer and she couldn't afford it without child support, but...whatever. I'm sure her buying it had nothing to do with the fact that her boyfriend (at the time) lived 5 miles away...oh, her new boyfriend is about 35 minutes away, so, another good decision on her part. Kids are going to a new school that is nowhere near as good as the school they were in here...BUT...none of that matters...what matters is that the kids are fine. They like their new school. We have fun in the car when I'm driving them from/to their mom's place (and yes, I do 99% of the driving...about 4,000 mi/month between that and work). My ex and I have a very amicable relationship because she KNOWS I care MOST about the kids and that helps her focus on thinking about them as well.

 

My new girlfriend has a less than pleasant relationship with her ex. He fights her on any child support, splitting expenses for the kids, etc. and it impacts the kids directly. Just a nasty way to live and the kids see that and pick up on everything.

 

Money is just money. The child support I pay sucks, but, it benefits the kids...even if it doesn't go directly to them always, it helps keep their mom happy, which makes things easier for them.

 

Driving is fine...just more time you get with your kids where you can talk with them about stuff, play "car games", etc.

 

I know everything seems like obstacles, road blocks and inconveniences right now, but, it's all really fine as long as your daughter is alright...Remember, if it wasn't for your daughter, you would probably never speak to your stbx again...I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't be civil, friendly, or spend one second of time thinking about her after the way she treated me and our family...but... our kids deserve happy parents that can get along. If we can't do that as a married couple, I'm going to damn well see to it that we do it as a divorced couple...

 

Anyway, my two cents...hardest thing you'll ever do, but, one of the most rewarding when you look back in a few years, see what you put up with, what you suffered through and what you're willing to do for that little girl of yours.

 

Good luck, keep posting and blue skies...

[WreckedDan]

Saw the lawyer today. Really liked her. She helped me go over all the paperwork and made quite a few adjustments. I should be able to get the first part in order tonight after work and have the wife sign tomorrow so I can file it next week. Then since it won't be finalized for 3 months I can get the parenting plan in order. Going to have the wife come with me just before September to go over that part with the lawyer so it's done right then hopefully be able to put this disaster behind me in some way.

 

Anxiety and emotions are swooping in again, hate it when this happens at work. Have a meeting to be at in half an hour... ug.

 

Another worry I have is that I'm being told by a coworker that now everyone at work knows what's going on that a lot of the females are talking about trying to swoop in... terrified to be anywhere alone with a female right now. There are maybe one or two I would normally be interested in, but I'm still a wreck.

 

Feeling hopeless,

Dan

[Steadfast]

Anxiety and emotions are swooping in...

 

Understandable and all very normal Dan.

 

I suspect your head is way ahead of your heart. In your heart, you're still married, explaining the roller coaster of anxiety and guilt. Your heart doesn't want this. Or another. The heart doesn't reason Dan. It's trained. That's why people in your position are advised to take it day by day.

 

Take a breath and understand what you are going through; mentally, physically and emotionally. Give yourself a break. Mourn this loss.

 

Those who loved deeply take longer to heal. That's just the way it is.

[landshark]

Dan, I'm going through hell but I keep going. Could go on and on, but I'll keep it simple. You like me are white hot right now. Please, go out with some of the girls from work, if only for the dialogue and companionship, hopefully it'll do wonders for your self esteem. Plow through Father's Day and tell yourself that you're a great Dad.

[WreckedDan]

Damn right today was a good day,

Spent the day swimming with my lovely daughter, then mowed the yard and did some light uard work. Enjoyed the sun, then watched a movie with mylittle girl and had some lasagna left overs (which if you ask me is always better than fresh) having some reading time with her before sleep, then a little alone time.

 

Wish it was always this good,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Someone need to create a graph of the ups and downs so we can schedule around it

 

Wishes were fishes,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

So, I have to work an extra day this week, so I offered the wife to have her over my weekend as long as she kept the OM out of the picture as my daughter has expressed concerns about her mommy or daddy being replaced. She said she thought that woyld be too much time not to have time to herself... OMFG I have never had time to myself ever... I work or I'm with my daughter... even when we were together I was at work or I was with her/them... am I asking for too much or is she just a selfish b*tch!?

 

Dan

[coaches24]

So, I have to work an extra day this week, so I offered the wife to have her over my weekend as long as she kept the OM out of the picture as my daughter has expressed concerns about her mommy or daddy being replaced. She said she thought that woyld be too much time not to have time to herself... OMFG I have never had time to myself ever... I work or I'm with my daughter... even when we were together I was at work or I was with her/them... am I asking for too much or is she just a selfish b*tch!?

 

Dan

 

Obviously you can't count on her at all even where your daughter is concerned. I would look for other alternatives as far as someone watching your daughter. That thread someone made asking about deadbeat moms on here. I think your ex might just fit the bill. She's a mom when she feels like it. To me that's being a dead beat mom. Parenting doesn't end. It's a 24/7 endeavor ( as I can tell you know very well). Your ex however doesn't seem to have figured that out.

 

Sorry man I know this is very hard.

[WreckedDan]

Yeah, thanks Coach,

This chat I had with her has spiraled me out again. Freakin crushed today. Denial and grief setting in again, wondering how she could leave us for a douchebag that looks like Honey booboo and be okay with that. Need to find some inner motivation today and failing miserably.

 

Dan

[aliveagain]

He looks like Honey Boo Boo or her mother June Boo Boo? I haven't had dinner yet, your comment took some of my appetite away, but isn't revenge sweet, they have each other until the end of time. She will be his problem from now on, your going to be free.

Edited June 25, 2013 by aliveagain
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