Broke the two month barrier

[WreckedDan]

Short version for those who haven't followed my original thread:

 

Wife and I have been together over 13 years, married more than 10. We have an 8 year old daughter (who is amazing). Two months ago (March 26th) she handed me her wedding ring and said we were done. -if you want more details my origingal thread is 13 years gone... 1 month in-

 

So it's been two months now, wife has gotten a 1 bedroom apartment an hour away. She still has filed no paperwork (stressing over it myself). School is almost over and I'm stressing over how the parenting time will go. Right now my wife has her on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, then she watches her in my home on Friday. I have my daughter on Saturday (though I work that night so my brother watches her while I'm at work) then also on my days off Sunday, and Monday.

 

I still love my wife very dearly, and would love for this sitiation to reverse itself, but I'm getting closer to the conclusion that it will never happen. She had an emotional affairleading up to herleaving, which became a physical affair the day she left (if not before). Also one more than one occasion she has been verbally abusive towards me while "gas lighting" and "blame shifting" (strange how certian verbage becomes normal after all this)

 

I still cry almost every day, but haven't at work for over a week. My stomach is still in knots and I still barely eat. Sleep has changed, went from 2 to 4 hours a night to barely being able to get out of bed unless my daughter is home. The "rollercoaster" still has some seriously deep dips and loops.

 

At this point, I'm not sure what I need. Feeling kinda lost and without direction right now so wanted to start a fresh thread to see if some new perspectives could help.

 

Thanks for reading,

Dan

[Mr. Lucky]

At this point, I'm not sure what I need.

Physical activity. There's an entire well of anger and pain inside you and sweat and blisters gives you somewhere to dump it. Pick anything (though I tend to think group activities like tennis, softball, etc. are better than solo activities like running) and do it early, often and strenuously.

 

I'm convinced that sports saved me post divorce. Left alone with my thoughts - and tequila bottle - I'd probably have gone crazy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shocked Suzie]

Physical activity. There's an entire well of anger and pain inside you and sweat and blisters gives you somewhere to dump it. Pick anything (though I tend to think group activities like tennis, softball, etc. are better than solo activities like running) and do it early, often and strenuously.

 

I'm convinced that sports saved me post divorce. Left alone with my thoughts - and tequila bottle - I'd probably have gone crazy...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Agreed, make this post and the 2 month mark YOUR fresh start, put her to one side and start to drag yourself out from under the dark cloud...you will have low days, you will cry, you will feel sorrow ...but don't allow yourself to dwell in these thoughts for too long, you feel crap them go for a run or gym....

 

You will be amazed how doing this will make you feel

[TailSpin75]

Hi Dan - I was recently given a 40 lb punch bag and some boxing gloves from a friend. Let me tell you - I work that bag like a part time job. Sometimes I head out to the garage for only a few blows and other times I pummel that bag until my arms won't move. Exercise is no doubt an ally.

 

Suzie is right too - some days will continue to be better than others but trust in time that the lows won't be so frequently deep and there will be stretches of decent times. I believe this is a balancing act though - between grieving and sitting with these feelings and distraction and finding relief from them. I also believe that one should 'do' when they can and when they cannot then grieve.

 

Keeping doing your best my friend - let the time continue to accumulate.

[WreckedDan]

I'vebeen wanting to start P90X again. Just wish I had more energy to get started. II'll do my damndest to get itno it I guess.

 

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

I'vebeen wanting to start P90X again. Just wish I had more energy to get started. II'll do my damndest to get itno it I guess.

 

Dan

 

 

you get the energy when working out, its just getting motivated and being consistent that's the hardest part at first...set realistic goals on schedules don't go over board or it will be too much

 

TS is right though when you need a day to grieve allow this to happen.... i have a punch bag too, only used it the once with a base ball bat :p

[ReelAhdvice]

Dan, you are love hurt, love wrecked and love spent! Let her go, move on. Be there for the kids. The better she sees you doing, the more likely she would ever want you back. just move on.

[WreckedDan]

Thanks RA but isn't that counter intuitive? Move on so she will want you? If I "move on" which I'm desperately trying to figure out what that means, wouldn't I then not want her back?

 

Somewhat confused,

Dan

[ReelAhdvice]

Thanks RA but isn't that counter intuitive? Move on so she will want you? If I "move on" which I'm desperately trying to figure out what that means, wouldn't I then not want her back?

 

Its just how things go. She would want you, when you dont need her. She know you want her, and she is not giving you any satisfaction. She has moved on, you share the kids, she has her own apartment, she consummated her affair. Moving on is getting over the grief of the divorce and then getting back to dating. Maybe a non-serious female friend, to get your mind away from her. Moving on is not a tactic. Its just moving on, that is when she usually comes to her senses because you are no longer begging her to get back together. Maybe you get back together, maybe you dont. But she has put herself in a position to move on. You should also.

[WreckedDan]

I see, thank you for the clarification. I no longer pine for her in anyway she can see. As a matter of fact I'm pushing to get all of her belongings out of my home. The fact that we share a beautiful daughter is the only reason I continue contact. Otherwise I would cut all contact and bawl my eyes out with her none the wiser.

 

Apreciate any and all feedback,

Dan

[SuperGeek]

Hire a moving company to pack up all her stuff and deliver it to her apartment. Problem solved. Then you can live in that house and not have to wait for her to remove it. Take charge of the situation. At least that's what I'd do.

 

I see, thank you for the clarification. I no longer pine for her in anyway she can see. As a matter of fact I'm pushing to get all of her belongings out of my home. The fact that we share a beautiful daughter is the only reason I continue contact. Otherwise I would cut all contact and bawl my eyes out with her none the wiser.

 

Apreciate any and all feedback,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Thanks RA and Geek,

 

She comes over to watch my daughter in my home once a week, and I would actually like to move the entertainment system for her so I can see her place for myself. I have her address but I woukd like to know how to get there for emergency sake. I caleaned out my room and the kitchen today, pulled out all the food I have no clue what to do with and piked it for her to take. Brpught out the entertainment center so I could load it up when we are ready to move it.

Paying a moving company seems like a strong move but.most her things are gone already would be a huge waste of money. Also I need to keep things calm between us for my daughter's sake.

 

Love the feedback,

Dan

[SmokeRat]

Hey Dan,

 

I feel for you brother, it's a ****ty situation that you're going through.

 

I'll agree with some of the above posters that physical activity is key, and I can't stress this enough.

 

I'm lucky enough to have an extreme case when a buddy of mine, who works for the local Police, can dress up in the Dog Attack Suit, and let me go to town on him with a police baton or my fist. Has helped a ton.

 

In your case, I'd honest recommend some sort of aggressive physical activity like Boxing and such things. Not only are you going to get in great shape, but all your anger, resentment, confusion and aggression will be taken out on something (or someone) that is allowing you to do so.

 

A few of my buddies going through the same thing you are (kids included) joined MMA Fight Gyms. I've been to a few professional MMA matches, but I've never seen the professionals fight with as much ferocity and scary aggression as my buddies do when they step into the ring.

 

From what I gather, when they walk into the ring, they imagine with STBX's and their AP's are ****ing right in front of them, and the guy (or girl) they are fighting is the manifestation of that.

 

Might be something to look into, but the jist of this is that physical activity is going to make you feel great, and it'll help you overcome this bull****.

 

We're behind you brother, just take care of yourself and that wonderful daughter of yours.

[worldgonewrong]

I still love my wife very dearly, and would love for this sitiation to reverse itself, but I'm getting closer to the conclusion that it will never happen. She had an emotional affair leading up to her leaving, which became a physical affair the day she left (if not before). Also one more than one occasion she has been verbally abusive towards me while "gas lighting" and "blame shifting" (strange how certain verbiage becomes normal after all this)

 

Dan- in time, your tears are going to turn into steel-y resentment, and that 'love' that feel is going to evaporate into nothing. Why? Because there's just so much s__t that you can eat before you wake up and ask yourself, "What am I doing? Why am I allowing this woman to dictate my moods and decisions, even when she's not around?" Trust me. You will slowly wake up, like a sleepwalker (like I did!), and you will f___ing feel NOTHING for this woman, or if you do, it'll be disgust at how she's treated you wrongly over & over.

 

As others have said: physical activity is good. I did a lot of bike-riding and swimming. Granted, not every pool encounter was a success -- one time I was so depressed, I went to the pool and napped on the grass for 4 hours because I was so wracked with depression. But my point is, get OUT. DO. Life is precious. YOUR life is precious. We don't get any of these days back. Write the happy ending that YOU want for your life, even it's without her.

 

And I hate to bang on this drum - as you're still knee-deep in the quagmire - but I'll tell you: The absolute hell that I went through for 2 years was worth it all because I met the love of my life. I didn't expect it; didn't chase it as a fixed idea/want in my brain. It happened. Why? Because I mentally/spiritually got my head together before I met her.

You're in the tunnel right now, and it's dark, but man oh man, there's light at the end. I promise you.

[Lost in NYC]

Hi Dan,

 

My name is Ken. I posted a lengthy note about my experience just like you did. I understand completely how you feel.

 

I don't feel as hopeful as you. I am really struggling too and in many ways this whole thing is and has gotten the better of me.

 

I think in some ways I am forunate not to have had any children with my wife but yet most of the time wish that I did so I would have some reason to stay relevant and in her mind.

 

Maybe the best thing we can do it limit contact as much as possible. Did you ever think about having a middle person exchange your daughter? I have to say, having your ex at your house is not healthy. If my wife was at my house, I would want to be there spending time with her, making every excuse to lenghten the time together, does that sound familiar?

 

Ken

[WreckedDan]

I'm going to repky to each of you in kind as you have all posted varied perspectives.

 

SmokeRat,

Last night I did a lot of upper body work out, and honestly I do feel a bit better today. As for working out agression, I'm just not at the point where I can focus any of it in to agressive behaviour. I'm just not that type of guy, unless someone starts something with me after a few drinks. I took Aikido when I was a teen but that hasn't got a lot of striking in it. Plus joining any clubs or what ever is difficult because of my work schedule and the fact that I have my daughter on my days off. But I'll keep pressing myself to work out at home as much as I can.

 

WGW,

One of my personal heroes on this site. I've read your entire thread, it's what got me here. I hace been feeling a lessening of the weight of this lately, some but not much. The two encouters I had with my wife when she flipped out at me has helped me be less needy for ack of a better term. Something I want to ask you personally is; you say you've met the love of your life... did you not feel that way with your ex? I personally fear deeply that opening myself to anything like this again is self defeating...

 

Ken,

This may sound funny to you, but your post hit me with the most power... I laughed 3 times on my drive into work today (not at you by any means). I laughed because someone said I seemed more hopeful than they were. I can't see it myself but if I seem that way maybe I am turning a corner. Sadly NC will not work for me as we have a child. Without a child I would have been NC by now for sure, and if you can manage it, I would syrongy suggest it. I have gone LC as best I can with the occasional slip up. What I'm doing is what's best for my daughter, if it's hard on me, so be it. I can take it for her without question. At first I felt every time she was there, I wanted to talk to her, plead, cry, show her the truth about what she's done, now if amything while she is there and I am not, I just feel paranoid about her taking things that we have not agreed on her taking. But I know she is there for my daughter and it benefits her to have her mother making her dinner and putting her to bed.

 

I think what has helped me most lately is cleaning and getting her things out of my room and house. I am taking my time but I will slowly make this house (that was a home) mine for the first time. Through our entire 13 years I have let her decorate in any way she wanted, never really put myself into our home because she had good taste and I was always happy when she was. I have more to say but can't seem to word it correctly right now.

 

I'll be back,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Last night my daughter was home and my wife didn't say much before she left. Nice, and nice. So happy to be home with my daughter. She got high marks in school two days in a row so I toik her to the park to ride her new bike, we had a great time. Took her out after for ice cream, then headed back home. I stacked fire wood for about an hour and broke a great sweat in the sun while she played sone video games. Showered up and dropped her at my brother's place ob the way to work... honestly just can't wait to get hone to see her some more, 3 days a week without her is horrible. Seem to be missing my wife less today, though I know it will come back again to haunt me soon...

 

Gonna try to foacus on work for a while,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Apologies for typos, dumb phone...

[WreckedDan]

Day started amazing. Made breakfast for my daughter, took her to the park, she rode a bike for the first time and is super excited about it. She practiced hitting baseballs for a while, then we came home and I made her some chicken parmesan (did pretty well with it if I do say so myself...). Now she's watching My Little Pony and my mind has started fighting me again... feeling panic, worry and loss. I keep falling back into missing my wife so much, and dreading that I know she's being with another man. How can I escape the roller coaster?! I thought I was doing so well...

 

Frustrated,

Dan

[coaches24]

Day started amazing. Made breakfast for my daughter, took her to the park, she rode a bike for the first time and is super excited about it. She practiced hitting baseballs for a while, then we came home and I made her some chicken parmesan (did pretty well with it if I do say so myself...). Now she's watching My Little Pony and my mind has started fighting me again... feeling panic, worry and loss. I keep falling back into missing my wife so much, and dreading that I know she's being with another man. How can I escape the roller coaster?! I thought I was doing so well...

 

Frustrated,

Dan

 

Dan I completely understand the roller coaster. I too am on one. One day I think I'm coping better and the next I think in going to have a nervous break down. Keep spending time with your daughter. That for me atleast is the only time I am able to feel happy and know I can hold things together. Otherwise I feel like a huge weight is placed on my chest and I can't get it off. I have always been a person who doesn't get stressed and when I do feel stress I handle it easy and get past it quick. But I'm now on 2 months of feeling non stop stress and it's really getting to me. By BP was high for the first time in my life and my Dr agrees its likely stress induced. If I can't get it under control soon I will have to take medicine. Im taking my daughter on a road trip to my moms and will stay with my best friend who also lives near my mom so hopefully getting out of town and seeing some of my old hang outs from HS will help me relax.

[WreckedDan]

Thanks Coach!

Yeah, I have my daughter tonight (almost bed time) and tomorrow. I'll make the best of it. Sadly after I put her on the buss the next morning I won't see her for 3 days, those are tough times. But I try to stay busy cleaning. Seems my support system has completely crashed. For the first month I lived off text messaging with friends, now that has all dried up. Getting seruously lonely. Spend a lot of time reading posts here. Not sure what else to do.

 

Dan

[coaches24]

Thanks Coach!

Yeah, I have my daughter tonight (almost bed time) and tomorrow. I'll make the best of it. Sadly after I put her on the buss the next morning I won't see her for 3 days, those are tough times. But I try to stay busy cleaning. Seems my support system has completely crashed. For the first month I lived off text messaging with friends, now that has all dried up. Getting seruously lonely. Spend a lot of time reading posts here. Not sure what else to do.

 

Dan

 

Don't know what your hobbies are but google and see if there are any meet up groups in your area that you can join. Maybe take up a new hobby even if its not something you want to be serious about. Learning something new would get you out, get your mind off things to keep you distracted for a while and help you meet new people so your not alone as much.

 

I have my daughter with me most of the time since my wife still lives with us for now. She takes my daughter to her dads sometimes and it kills me when I'm alone without her so I can certainly empathize with you on that. I had to ask my wife to meet me half way last weekend because she wanted to stay at her dads two nights and I didn't want to be alone without my daughter for both nights.

[WreckedDan]

Yeah, that advice still doesn't sink in, hope I'll get there soon. I'm still at the stage where anything I think of doing either reminds me of her or makes me wonder, "what would she like to do", or "I bet she would really enjoy doing this with me" arrg! I know from reading that these bumps arr just something to get past but dang it freakin sucks. Always thought I was made of sterner stuff than this...

 

Dan

[coaches24]

Yeah, that advice still doesn't sink in, hope I'll get there soon. I'm still at the stage where anything I think of doing either reminds me of her or makes me wonder, "what would she like to do", or "I bet she would really enjoy doing this with me" arrg! I know from reading that these bumps arr just something to get past but dang it freakin sucks. Always thought I was made of sterner stuff than this...

 

Dan

 

I know what you mean again. I have always been a tough guy who handles everything and doesn't get shaken. Well I have been shaken and it SUCKS. I always know I can handle any situation and now I am doubting myself and how I will deal with things if my Wife decides to end things for good. It's like this is the one situation I am not capable of holding it together through.

 

I went to a movie Friday night by myself and I honestly can't tell you anything about the movie because I was just zoned out the whole time. I know what movie I saw (After Earth) but ill be damned if I remember anything from it. Don't ask me if its good or not, I don't remember.

 

But I think it was better to be there than at home alone.

[Shocked Suzie]

I know what you mean again. I have always been a tough guy who handles everything and doesn't get shaken. Well I have been shaken and it SUCKS. I always know I can handle any situation and now I am doubting myself and how I will deal with things if my Wife decides to end things for good. It's like this is the one situation I am not capable of holding it together through.

 

I went to a movie Friday night by myself and I honestly can't tell you anything about the movie because I was just zoned out the whole time. I know what movie I saw (After Earth) but ill be damned if I remember anything from it. Don't ask me if its good or not, I don't remember.

 

But I think it was better to be there than at home alone.

 

Self doubt is so frustrating! its not a bad thing to look inside of yourself...just try not to let it linger for too long or you'll shred yourself to bits!

 

You have to try to find a way to look at yourself...find a way to fix it (or some of it) then move away from it...only go back if its needed at a later date to held rebuild yourself

 

i've done this and still do...i just try not to go so deep now...nobody is perfect