13 Years gone, 1 month in

[WreckedDan]

Dude, so I get home and all she has packed up are a bunch of book, probably more clothes too... then she starts whining about how everything in this house is here because of her... all the decorations etc. She said "What would your mother think of you keeping every thing she gave us" I said "She'd probably be quite mad at you right now" she replied "I've talked to her and she understands" wtf.. in case I hadn't mentioned my mother died 5 years ago this month.

 

She said last week she didn't care about the objects in the house meant less to her than my feelings...

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Oldschool, WGW, Suzie, Geek.. Thank you guys so much for posting!

I spend hours at work reading posts on my phone... They mean a lot to me.

 

WGW, I can't take the ring off... I tried to put it on my other hand today and I was only able to keep it there for maybe 10 minutes while I was driving to work. Feels like I'm missing a limb... Maybe some day I can do that, I'm only 2 months in at this point and still in terrible amounts of pain.

 

Geek, I would really like to hear more from you, if your situation was close to mine. I dread the days ahead of me and if you're 3 years past then I think I would be able to learn a lot from you, as I have from others.

 

Oldschool, you are often very empowering to me, thank you for that. I don't think I can be happy yet. I hope to be able to see potential for it in the future.

 

Note of the day: My wife's brother came by the house today (He and I were very close friends for a very long time) When he came by he dropped off some movies that my wife had let him borrow. He was like, wow dude you look the same as when I met you like 20 years ago... So how are things here? ... I was like... Um, you seriously don't know what's going on? He said "No... what?" When I told him he was totally shocked! He and my wife were very close. Seems that he had disowned my wife's sisters and father about 15 days previous to my wife screwing me over, and that looking at things now That part of the family had turned my wife against him... it's so freaking sad that their father has totally brainwashed everyone and destroyed so many lives...

 

In constant pain, dreading waking up,

Dan

[Simpleoldschool]

well dan, shes upset because your gaining the upper hand. a women out for revenge or better said, vengence is playing hard ball. she hopes your emotional enough to get ready for an explosion in what shes planned. you see dan since your plan is the one succedding hers shes resorting now to emotional tactics.

 

her comments are not rational nor do they have to do with logic. they are displayed for one reason to gain the advantage and take from you what she wouldnt have unless you let her which is stuff.

 

they say they cant live with you but cant live without your stuff. see through the tactic and strategize.

 

shes trying to overwhelm you emotionally so your emotions bring you straight down to where she wants you to be.

 

im so sorry about your mother dan. my condolences. just know this she is not really gone. heaven is a better place where she is waiting. and she is happy, there.

 

i pray for you dan that you will be in a emotional well to do place. that no longer will you expierience any pain and that you can see through the lies into whats actually happening.

 

hang in there dan, your doing great and remeber everything is your choice. you dont have to listen to me i just dont want you to be unhappy.

[Simpleoldschool]

im sorry for your pain dan. its ok to hurt. when you need to. just dont let the hurt continue for too long. im here for you man and cry if you need to tonight about anything and everything. get made, scream if you have to. yell as loud as you want unless its early but dont do it around the neighbors or it could hurt you legally if they say anything.

 

find a quiet place. get angry at whatever with whom ever. just dont hurt anyone and do it somewhere people are not.

 

and just remeber dan there are no wrong answers just some very carefull choices you have to make for you and only when your ready or able. this is a race. let all of us know how we can better assist you here. im just concerned dan. thats all. hope i dont bother you at anytime if this is too much info, too much advice too fast tell me so you can be you and do what you want to. also that should apply for everyone here on your post.

 

just be safe and know you are important and dont let someone hurt you.

Edited May 18, 2013 by Simpleoldschool

[WreckedDan]

I'm really open to suggestions, advice, and support. I take what I feel pertains to my situations.

 

You're openness and honesty are great.

 

At night, I'm strangely calm... I get hurt by the wife when I see her, but after I get a little off my chest here or texting to a couple close friends about my day and I'm relaxed some. The only problem I have, is that I KNOW when I wake up I will start up with the pain, and insecurity, and dread for the day to come. I hate the morning.. Tomorrow I have my daughter for a few hours before work, so I have that to look forward to. She is the only light left to me and I try to be as positive as possible around her. I know it's only been a couple of months but I actually feel I'm progressing. Once my wife's belongings are out of my place I will feel a tiny bit more closure, but I'm worried about how the parenting plan will work out. My wife's brother knows all too well the dark side of his family and I think he's going to help me get things together to protect my daughter from being taken from me.

 

Rambling...

Dan

[Simpleoldschool]

just be carefull dan. family bonds run deep. deeper than you can see.

 

first having dealt with psychologists they want to put you in a comfortable place and setting where you do what. Talk. DEATH BY WORD OF MOUTH. not saying thats happening with your friend, but dont take the chance or the chance just might, take you, by suprise and suprise dan in a legal situation can cost you the entire legal battle. if it becomes one.

 

people are most dangerous when they make you feel comfortable and try to relate to you but in actuality are screening and probing for their own legal ammo.

 

The mornings will be strange. its different. But it can be a good different. TOMMOROW. HAVE A BLAST WITH YOUR DAUGHTER and think about all the cool things you did while at work with her and if no times provided work hard. work hard. you dont want to lose your job. if you turn this around to empower you to work you can get that promotion.

 

Also depending on your buisness field i can help tell you how to impress managers. your pomotion really resides in your managers promotion. what you do to make him look good will look good to the person over him and up and so forth. and for those hard days how to look like your working when your absolutely doing nothing. LOL if you want to chill during the day keep moving around. papers in hand or this and that and look frustrated as hell. like your really trying to figure something out. your managers impression will be " OMG hes working his ass off PROMOTION" or atleast you will gain the thought. to be honest what im saying isnt unscrupulous some not all mangers are lazy so the word is by which they are known " supervisor" that they just check your work and call it work. hahahahahahahaha WHATEVER.

 

any help you need dan i got you.

[WreckedDan]

Promotion not really in the stars... I am a manager nit a lot higher I can go, and I'm satisfied where I am at work, I'm apreciated there more than I ever was at home it seems...

 

Dan

[Simpleoldschool]

just be carefull dan. family bonds run deep. deeper than you can see.

 

first having dealt with psychologists they want to put you in a comfortable place and setting where you do what. Talk. DEATH BY WORD OF MOUTH. not saying thats happening with your friend, but dont take the chance or the chance just might, take you, by suprise and suprise dan in a legal situation can cost you the entire legal battle. if it becomes one.

 

people are most dangerous when they make you feel comfortable and try to relate to you but in actuality are screening and probing for their own legal ammo.

 

The mornings will be strange. its different. But it can be a good different. TOMMOROW. HAVE A BLAST WITH YOUR DAUGHTER and think about all the cool things you did while at work with her and if no times provided work hard. work hard. you dont want to lose your job. if you turn this around to empower you to work you can get that promotion.

 

Also depending on your buisness field i can help tell you how to impress managers. your pomotion really resides in your managers promotion. what you do to make him look good will look good to the person over him and up and so forth. and for those hard days how to look like your working when your absolutely doing nothing. LOL if you want to chill during the day keep moving around. papers in hand or this and that and look frustrated as hell. like your really trying to figure something out. your managers impression will be " OMG hes working his ass off PROMOTION" or atleast you will gain the thought. to be honest what im saying isnt unscrupulous some not all mangers are lazy so the word is by which they are known " supervisor" that they just check your work and call it work. hahahahahahahaha WHATEVER.

 

any help you need dan i got you.

 

p.s. from now one dan i would like you to possibly if you can purchase a tape recorder. familiarize yourself with its use. then any time shes around and asks you to talk or you talk about any LEGAL agreements you both approve of tell her this with the tape recorder running.

 

" at this time here on this date of this day of this month of thise year me dan and my wife so and so will be talking about or agreements during seperation and here on out regarding divorce. Then while its running say this.

So and so you are being recorded with the full knowledge you are being recorded and you fully understand to the best of your knowledge i what i have said to you in regard to the use of this tape recorder, its purpouse and the reason of use.

 

yes or no.

 

if she turns into a smart bun then say

 

please clarify to me when and what i have stated that you do not fully understand ( have her say it because if she says it and she sounds like she understand shes just bs'ing) and you can say you have repated back to me what i have said so i beilieve you fully understand what you have been told in the way in which you repeated it back to me because i clearly understood that you seem to understand what i am telling you.

 

yes or no.

 

if she really doesnt understand re clarify and repeat if she understands or not

 

yes or no.

 

she might just start getting emotional after you bust out the tape recorder and say that while its on and say do we really need this arent we better than this. dont fall for it, or you will fall.

 

everytime you SAY anything, dan make sure you mention the time the month the date and the year and say what you have to say. ask if its agreeable yes or no

and if she understands what you are saying. tell her everything you need to say. and most of all ask her this. do you beilieve the contents of this seperation agreement are true accurate and to the best of their description contain very real, true accurate descriptions of you and of me and illustrate OUR AGREEMENT and that you do agree to these terms conditions explanations and descriptions yes or no?

 

and dan if shes getting mad yelling or screaming let her guess what bud you got a tape recorder full of ammo now.

 

BUT DAN DO NOT RECORD HER WITHOUT HER KNOWLEDGE THAT IS ABSOLUTELY ILLEGAL AND YOU WILL BE FINED 10,000 DOLLARS AND FACE POSSIBLE JAIL TIME IF SHE CAN PROVE INVASION OF PRIVACY or PROVE ( which youll really be proving by having obtained information without her knowledge or consent.) that on a statutory basis you did willingfully and willfully obtain information without the knowledge of another or approval and could face criminal charges aswell as federal and state charges and by your own hand.

 

for the pictures dan that you obtained.

 

TELL THE JUDGE OR ANY LAWYER THAT THEY WERE IN PLAIN SIGHT ON YOUR COMPUTER. and since they were in plain sight they were publically displayed and the individual although allowed her private information (which now is a real question of whether it is private information) to be obtained publically cannot claim right of privacy by disregarding and obviously willingfully displaying private information and material in plain sight and has now assumed and subjects such to public disclosure and has lost the right to make a claim to right of privacy on the grounds of personal forfeiture of rights by public disclosure and public accessibility IE property rights and claim to property rights of the computer used because its dan computer that the information can be viewed punblically without violating any laws or regulatory staues in accordance with the law.

[Simpleoldschool]

just say in any civil case, dan

 

that due to the fact of public discloure she willfully forfeited intellectual property rights, claim to property rights, claim to information that was obtained through public discloure and so and so forth.

 

i wont let you lose dan. remember there will be a day in court if she contests. and uncontested divorce and seperation agreements are the best but likely, not possible expecially with what i beilieve shes preparing to do. hopefully and i pray im wrong.

 

the lawyer if she has one will argue that you cannot prove beyond a reasonable doubt to the court public disclosure of personal information.he will try to sustain the information was personal.

 

so do some legal jumping around so he follows like a rabbit and has to play ketchup ( haha i dont know why i said ketchup).

 

simple say if you want to "Objection" ( if he didnt do the objecting) lacking foundation and evidence. or simple object and say he cannot prove beyond reasonable doubt it wasnt in face of the fact the information was obtained by public disclosure and swear you dont know her passwords never did and couldnt possibly know because the type of information that you viewed because of a guilty conscience or mens-ria would have been hidden from you due to the nature of the evidence which is adulterous.

 

also dan put in your seperation agreement adultery.

 

you have this so far.

 

alchohalism that dissallows cohabitation due to a strain of her personal behaviour towards you that you view as you view it ( remember if you put abuse in there chances are it could be bad for her)

 

strong drug addiction and substance abuse

 

and adultery.

 

of course if she signs the agreement or agrees on tape recorder your job is easier. you simply will have suplementary evidence to your claims of each and consent to agreements of each. if you get it on tape before the agreement is drafted she cant dispute signing the seperation agreement because you tell her you have everything on tape.

 

its good your trying to negotiate with her. see you are a good man. but remember do whats best by your daughter.

 

also if shes smart she will claim duress. thats why its best to get it on a tape recorder because you can hear her tone of voice and if she says she understands and consents she cant claim that.

 

i am preparing you and if she gets a lawyer for your success and an impossible job for a hired lawyer.

 

understand THIS DAN she can get a lawyer and assess the fees be paid by you if she wins her case. thats why im telling you this stuff.

 

also dan. keep a diary and record the last day she finnaly leaves the house one tape recorder that she is leaving healthy well in good physical condition of her own volition and that she intends to seperate. ill tell you something dan that can end your life quicker than quick its called a PFA and used in divorce. if she consults a lwyer he will tell her to get one. its a type of restraining order thanks to our wonderfull great feminists and the VAWA act. its a protection from abuse order and dan F WORRRRD. she can get back in your house and blind side you. judges approve those to err on the side of caution. dan is that happens kiss your daughter good bye. the information above will also prove if she does get one a day in court for that to get you out the door. the only way to beat one of those orders dan is to have EVERYTHING before the day it happens. what sucks dan is if she gets one she can claim everything and anything and get anything and everything temporarily until the order is finalized.

 

there is no due process and no ability to discount your accusser and it is filed EX PARTE or not with the other party. dan that is a dangerous slope to be on if she files that. know all of this and be prepared for it. if you get kicked out of your house it will be for 1-2 weeks top and then take that day SERIOUSLY if it comes your future will be decided that day along with ANY employment opurtunities. WOMEN can really turn you upside down but the good thing is if you get it dismissed keep the copy you get from the records office which is usually downstairs in the basement. then dan, file a suit for perjury and defamation of character and also include alimony for the fact you lost your job due to her. whether youll see money or not depends but due it anyway.

 

this is all good info dan. hopefully your not discourage dont think in every direction. think one things at a time and do one thing at a time and remember this.

 

he who chases to rabbits catchs none.

[WreckedDan]

Omg... now you jave me panicked and sweating and fearful. She has already got her own place and a new man, why woyld she do any of that? She left jer passwords hanging on her desk so it wasn't hidden, also I pay for the cell phone she used to send herself said pics...

 

Another hard morning... need to get up, scared

 

Dan

[Simpleoldschool]

dont be scared dan she might not know this. i am just preparing you in advance.

 

what happened to me might not ever happen to you. just wanting t\you to understand what could happen. and i just want you to be carefull and just allowing you to avoid the courtroom drama.

 

you might not ever expierience any of this just forwarned is forarmed.

 

i think you will be ok but remember this new man has her ear and if he knows what i know he will be a loser. he tried to fight you.

 

he doesnt like you because of the situation. he wants to feel in control like who you married is his full possession. im sure he knows you have a child and hes thinking of stuff. women do crazy things dan, crazy. so do men though. i feel sorry for both those men and women.

 

just take a second to breath. you will be ok. just giving you the heads up on the legal world. family court is very, very evil. its a bad place to be because people lie, cheat and steal someone out of their stuff.

 

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP DAN. and dont be scared. you shouldnt be scared now that you know because now you can prevent any and all of it.

[Simpleoldschool]

dan, just remember take this at your pace. the pace you need to. not mine. not anyone elses but dans pace but also dan, be ready.

 

i know this is alot and none of this may happy but knowing people, all of this might happen.

 

just remember dan, Life is good you have a daughter. thats pretty cool. your a dad and im envious. and you are a good dad. and your a manager thats great. You have accomplished many things.

 

remember, your pace no one elses. im sorry if this is coming at you fast i just know where i was. no help and an uphill battle. My ex-wife, the lawyer i paid for and everyone except my company CO were against me and ready to hem me up.

[WreckedDan]

So this is how my week goes...

 

Sunday- Sucks! It used to be the beginning of our weekend together...

 

Monday- Sucks! Used to be my day to get errands run, spend time with the three of us together.

 

Tuesday- Sucks bad! Used to be a day off with the family, now it's the day my daughter is gone and my home is empty...

 

Wednesday- The first day of three where I get to come home to my wife, and she leaves after a short uncomfortable moment or two...

 

Thursday- Used to be the day we caught up on favorite shows together, ate delicious bad food and talked and enjoyed adult time together. Now, see above Wednesday part 2.

 

Friday- Blows! I changed my hours at work which is terrible on Thursday because I work a crap location with nothing to do but think, followed by... see above Wednesday/Thursday.

 

Saturday- Pain kicks in bad! This is the day I know she is spending with the OM (though I'm sure it's not the only day, but I know this is part of her routine) and I'm the most lonely. Now that she has her new place I'm sure they are christening the hell out of it...

 

I'm trying not to dwell/obsess but my freaking mind just goes to these places. I miss my wife so much, I want to share her feelings, my feelings and our time together... Talking to her just about parenting and what crap she's going to take next time she is here freaking sucks!! We had a family, we were the ones that other couples wanted to be... I'm feeling hurt and down tonight. Doesn't help that the home we created for ourselves is out in the boonies. At one time that was a huge plus we could do what ever when ever and have complete privacy... now, it's just lonely.

 

Sad,

Dan

[robfos]

One thing my dad said to me after I told him my wife had cheated on me and we weren't getting back together is that it's like a death but worse, because they are still around.

 

I'm facing that fact every day. Why did she do this to you? I wish I could answer that. I wish I could say why my wife did it to me. I loved her with all my heart. I made my share of mistakes, but I was ready to be with her forever and now we have nothing.

 

I was reading your original post and it sadly is very similar to mine. The day I found out she cheated I found an online account she had and saw pictures of them together. It's so hard to go a day without thinking about those. How could someone do that? It's truly unbelievable. And she is also very cold about it. She blames me for everything and acts like she is justified in her actions.

 

Just hang in there. There are people who care and depend on you. You are important and you are valuable. I really like what someone posted earlier. You had a purpose and a life before you met her. You can still have that. It hurts, it really ****ing hurts, but it will get better and hopefully one day we can both look back on our lives and be happier than when we were with people who did not love us enough to stick around.

[WreckedDan]

Wish I could remember having purpose before wife/family..

 

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Just talked to the wife, I was very cordial. I asked her if she would like to have our daughter Wednesday night as well since our daughter has the day off from school. She said she would like to but they were putting new carpet in her spiffy new 1 bedroom apartment so she wasn't sure if that was going to work out. She asked me to help her bring her computer desk to her place tomorrow which agreed to since it would give me a chance to see where her new place is at. Of course at this point the conversation dissolved, we started talking about plans for where our daughter would be and she said she would have her sister babysit, to which I told her I was still not cool with her leaving here there in the house with the history of domestic violence and drug use... then she started freaking out and getting defensive. I mentioned that I spoke with her brother and that he had offered to babysit if we needed. She seemed happy that i had reconnected with my old friend. I told her that the only reason we hadn't been close of late was that I had been buying in to the distorted version of reality I had been getting from her side of the family... then she told me that he often refereed to me as a sh*tty husband because about 8 years ago I called him to help her with fixing her tire when he was about 2 exits away from where she had her blow out and that by the time I got there every thing was fixed... seemed calling him was better than making her wait for me to be able to.do the same thing 20 minutes later... hope to talk with him soon, to get things talked out.

 

Dan

Edited May 20, 2013 by WreckedDan

[WreckedDan]

So.. my support system is basically gone... ran out of councilor sessions from work, just had a friend yell me what I was going through was too much.

 

When I talked to my wife, she told me gow good a show was that she watched, we had talked about starting watching it together... she had to know that just saying that would cause me pain... I'm sure it seems insignificant to y'all but we really used to connect when we shared our.limited TV time together...

 

Fml,

Dan

[Shocked Suzie]

So.. my support system is basically gone... ran out of councilor sessions from work, just had a friend yell me what I was going through was too much.

 

When I talked to my wife, she told me gow good a show was that she watched, we had talked about starting watching it together... she had to know that just saying that would cause me pain... I'm sure it seems insignificant to y'all but we really used to connect when we shared our.limited TV time together...

 

Fml,

Dan

 

These things unfortunately pop up a lot of the time, i still experience these things and i have very little contact with my ex, the pain does ease...your not helping yourself at all by seeing her and speaking to her the way you do. I know it's really hard but you are dragging out this torture by this type of regular contact... You need to draw a line and try not to cross it, even if it's for a few weeks to give your mind some needed timeout...

 

Is there such a thing as mental health plan where you are?? I got a few counseling sessions free through my GP

 

X

[worldgonewrong]

She asked me to help her bring her computer desk to her place tomorrow which agreed to since it would give me a chance to see where her new place is at.

 

What?! Don't help her. She has the balls of an elephant to make a request from you. Tell her to get OM to help her.

[WreckedDan]

Suzi: not sure if I can get any free... pretty sure I could get a referal but would still cost something out of pocket.

 

WGW: I would much rather drive there so I know where it is than have the OM come here and know where I live and end up shoving six inches of cold steel through his sternum...

 

I spent a lot of time last night gathering up most of her things and putting them all in one place so she can hopefully pack it all up today when she gets here, I am very.much looking forqard to her things being gone, at the same time, very sad that this home will just be a house, if you catch my meaning.

 

Last night when I told her I didn't want her sister watching our daughter she actually said, "would you rather I have -OM- son watch her? That blasted me... that she would even say that

 

Tired,

Dan

[worldgonewrong]

Last night when I told her I didn't want her sister watching our daughter she actually said, "would you rather I have -OM- son watch her? That blasted me... that she would even say that.

 

Oh my God, this woman is a piece of work...

[dreamingoftigers]

I noticed your "every day sucks" diary.

 

I get it (oh you have no idea).

 

One of the helpful exercises that I learned from my S-Anon group was to keep a daily journal but only record the positive things that happened that day EVEN if it's only, "the Sun came up, the weather was okay."(Yeah, I went to a group you wanna make something of it? :laugh:).

 

At first I was like "what I bunch of bullsh*t. And how would I remember all of the rest of the experiences I am going through? The tough times? The negatives?" Then I realized that I didn't want to remember them in detail anyhow, just know that I got through them. So I did start keeping the journal. As soon as that happened. As soon as I found little positives and things to be grateful for, I quickly realized that HE wasn't the only source of positives in my life and that I could easily invite more in.

 

All of a sudden his importance in my life shrank rapidly. He lost a lot of power and control over my emotional state.

 

Hold that helps.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

Hold that helps.

 

Hope that helps.

 

Wow.... iPhone....

[WreckedDan]

Why do I have to wake up feeling terrible every morning?! At night I'm calm, but every day it feels like it started all over again...

 

DoT: thanks, I actually have a paper journal I've tried to do that with, have a very hard time with it, most of rhe time all I can write is that I'm thanksful for my daughter. Then all my worries about her come flooding in. I'm really hoping when her things are gone it will help me get some space in my head.

 

Last night she told me that she took some movies, mostyly just movies I had bought specificly for her so that was fine, I told her that I had bought her Notting Hill as well so she could have that one too... she said that movie was about us so she left it...

 

Tears,

Dan

[WreckedDan]

Is there a way to delete this thread so I can start over? Ineed a fresh start and I'm concerned about if this has been veiwed by my wife...

 

Dan