Author BluEyeL Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 Tell your therapist to fix up one of her Pakistani girlfriends with this guy if she thinks he is so great. Or dump her own boyfriend for him. Good point, good point Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 I only have a few friends here on LS, so I'd like to see what you guys say (I'd do a group PM but don't know how). Despite going on these other dates, I'm still fixated on my #1, can't let him go, I usually don't give up my goals so easily (immigrant, came here with a suitcase in 99 by myself), I'll be like jezeben (forgot his real nickname, the guy who doesn't give up on his obsessions ). I got this from #1 today (I "friendzoned" him two or three weeks ago): "Summer is just around the corner. If you are interested we should meet at some point and try tennis … . Have a nice evening," Now, forget The Rules, none of this is rules-y. Does anyone think there is a chance with him? As a reminder, we had the first date in January, messaged a bit after, he disappeared for 2months, came back in March fixated on sex, I told him not so fast, went on a 5.5h second date very cool one; third date there was kissing, he attempted sex and I stopped it, so he became unresponsive; LS said he was a pig and only wanted sex, I'll never hear from him again; I agreed, but can't let him go 'cause I'm fixated on his warm eyes and the chemistry (as opposed to the "vapid" guys). I sent him a "twister message" (we can't date, but we can still exchange some friendly email messages every now and then) and he responded he enjoys talking to me and suggested to do some things together. Now we are still in contact, met him randomly on Friday and waved at him, today I got this, I'm hoping he'll have whatever sex he wants with the online women for however long time he wants, I don't care, but hope I'll be able to still develop something IRL over time. Or I'll just be burned/friendzoned forever and I shouldn't put myself through "activities" with a guy I am actually a bit (or a lot) gung-ho about? I'm delusional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 24, 2013 Author Share Posted April 24, 2013 I barely play tennis, I'll sign up for private lessons before May rolls in Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 Guys like the chase. You didn't give in easily when he was all about sex. Now he's back for another match. I say "play"! What's the harm? You're obviously intrigued, and if it were me, I'd spend too much energy wondering "what if?". Do you need a racket? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 some clarification and correction is in order. players just love the chase. regular guys don't mind the chase. nice guys hate the chase. Oh well, he might be a player, although not a particularily good looking one, but he conducts himself sort of like Mr Soul was describing, so that indicates a player...(??). It works though Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 Guys like the chase. You didn't give in easily when he was all about sex. Now he's back for another match. I say "play"! What's the harm? You're obviously intrigued, and if it were me, I'd spend too much energy wondering "what if?". Do you need a racket? I was serious when I said I'm signing up for a few private tennis lessons. I called this morning LOL Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 some clarification and correction is in order. players just love the chase. regular guys don't mind the chase. nice guys hate the chase. Okay, so chase wasn't the best word choice. How about intrigued? A successful, well spoken, independent woman who doesn't put out on date number two. He wants to find out what makes her tick. She's interested. In our age bracket, "players" are weeded out on date one, if they even get that far. Better? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 It was date number 3 when I didn't put out, technically Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 Oh well, he might be a player, although not a particularily good looking one, but he conducts himself sort of like Mr Soul was describing, so that indicates a player...(??). It works though Maybe, maybe not. Like I said, it's sad that OLD has conditioned people of both sexes to believe they have to have some sort of game, rather than just being themselves. Maybe he's learned from experience that certain behaviors will get him laid, even if the relationship potential isn't there. So he's enjoying that part of it. I think that deep down, most people want something that doesn't require them to be something they are not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 It was date number 3 when I didn't put out, technically Oh, in that case, MATCH POINT! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I'm thinking he wants to learn more without having to give up his dating/sex, otherwise don't think he'll bother with me at all. I bet he'll bring the kids to the tennis, he is raising two kids on his own, wife is not in the picture. We'll see if he follows through. I said yes, tennis sounds good, and didn't expect an email to my "yes" but this morning he said: "Sounds good ... I am teaching a Maymester class ... We are around ... Enjoy the nice weather" Stay tuned, I hope he comes with something definitive mid-May or so. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 I think what you do depends on what you are going to be able to handle emotionally. His previous actions have shown that he is at best lukewarm about you. Men who are really interested don't disappear and don't act like he did. He's met you; he knows you. Hoping that he will change his mind and want to be with you will likely be a losing game. I know -- I spent a lot of time trying to do that in the past. In other words, I think if you are going into this with the hope that it will turn into a relationship, you will end up disappointed. On the other hand, if you are able to step back, be casual, and not let your feelings for him interfere with your ability to be open to a new man who is crazy about you, then have at it. (You should keep datign others.) Also consider how you are going to feel when you find out about the other women he is taking out on dates and sleeping with. In the abstract it's easy to say you don't care; but in reality it can often be a terrible and crushing thing to hear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I think what you do depends on what you are going to be able to handle emotionally. His previous actions have shown that he is at best lukewarm about you. Men who are really interested don't disappear and don't act like he did. He's met you; he knows you. Hoping that he will change his mind and want to be with you will likely be a losing game. I know -- I spent a lot of time trying to do that in the past. In other words, I think if you are going into this with the hope that it will turn into a relationship, you will end up disappointed. On the other hand, if you are able to step back, be casual, and not let your feelings for him interfere with your ability to be open to a new man who is crazy about you, then have at it. (You should keep datign others.) Also consider how you are going to feel when you find out about the other women he is taking out on dates and sleeping with. In the abstract it's easy to say you don't care; but in reality it can often be a terrible and crushing thing to hear. And here we have the voice of reason....bursting my bubble. You are right with everything, there is a VERY high chance I'll end up with emotional pain, very high!! This is reduced a bit if there is no physical contact, but still very high risk, and low chances for success. I am indeed going into this with hopes that it will turn into a relationship, because what I think the major problem with "The Rules" is, is the fact that the premise is that someone will get "crazy about you" right away. Or I think that attraction builds in time, with continuous contact, I know I didn't fall in love with my ex husband until way down the road, 6 months-1yr in. Now, if there is no sex involved, I am indeed hoping that there is still a 5/10/20/30% chance for feelings to develop more like in an IRL situation, rather than "dating". Most probably I'll suffer, but I'm willing to take the risk and try to follow some of the rules to minimize the blow... I don't think I'll be able to stay detached, and yes, I'll not like it when I hear about the other women. Hoping he'll not bring them up. But we are going too far ahead. Maybe he won't even follow through since he's lukewarm about me. If he's following through, I think he wants to learn more and we'll see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 I wouldn't bother with this one at all. Cut bait. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I wouldn't bother with this one at all. Cut bait. An even more decisive voice of reason. What is "cut bait", I'm a foreigner. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 An even more decisive voice of reason. What is "cut bait", I'm a foreigner. You use bait on a line when you're fishing. Cut the line, stop fishing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 An even more decisive voice of reason. What is "cut bait", I'm a foreigner. Drop it. Forget him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 Oh, these realists...don't let me harm myself OK, I'll try my hardest to keep the emotional distance. And if he follows through with meeting I'll start dating again, now I'm not dating. The Pakistani guy was the only one left, he goes to Africa tomorrow, and I'm offline. Can't imagine how much better I feel when I'm not dating. I was waking up with a knot in my stomach, I was tired and obsessed, dating is too hard for me. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 I guess I'm the only one here who said give it a chance. As long as you don't get too emotionally invested, what could a little exercise hurt? But, I'm one who always gave the benefit of the doubt and one too many chances. And, I got to the point of making case studies of men. I can recognize OCD via text now, no need to meet in person, LOL! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I guess I'm the only one here who said give it a chance. As long as you don't get too emotionally invested, what could a little exercise hurt? But, I'm one who always gave the benefit of the doubt and one too many chances. And, I got to the point of making case studies of men. I can recognize OCD via text now, no need to meet in person, LOL! I like you more than the realists. Although I like them too of course LOL I also like nuances and to study people, a lot! I'll give it a chance, keeping the realists voices in my head all the time. Try to see things just as friends, and don't let my mind wander too much and keep the hopes VERY low. I'll talk to the therapist too. Since she likes the Pakistani guy so much, she already told me that #1 is like jumping from the fire into the frying pan, I guess she'll not encourage me, but she's supposed to be a psychologist, so she might have some insight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 I wonder why is he initiating things to do together if he doesn't like me? Maybe Mr Soul or BB could help me answer this. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 I wonder why is he initiating things to do together if he doesn't like me? Maybe Mr Soul or BB could help me answer this. The thing is...he hasn't really initiated anything. He sent a vague text about getting together sometime, maybe in May, or over the summer, who knows. This is classic behavior to keep you on the back burner. I have no doubt that he enjoys spending time with you, and you are probably a lot more sane than most of the women he meets...but he's not that crazy about you. If he was, he would be actually making specific plans, not giving you this vague wishy washy "sometime" crap for next month or this summer. He may like having his ego stroked, and he may like having a gaggle of women at his disposal...who knows? Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 The thing is...he hasn't really initiated anything. He sent a vague text about getting together sometime, maybe in May, or over the summer, who knows. This is classic behavior to keep you on the back burner. I have no doubt that he enjoys spending time with you, and you are probably a lot more sane than most of the women he meets...but he's not that crazy about you. If he was, he would be actually making specific plans, not giving you this vague wishy washy "sometime" crap for next month or this summer. He may like having his ego stroked, and he may like having a gaggle of women at his disposal...who knows? Ouch, that hurt but it rings true. I'm getting deflated completely...and that's probably a good thing. I'll cancel the tennis lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 You might be missing out on a really hot tennis instructor! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BluEyeL Posted April 25, 2013 Author Share Posted April 25, 2013 You might be missing out on a really hot tennis instructor! OK, I'll keep the lessons. But it turns out "he" is just not that into me Oh well...whatever, like I said before, there is always porn 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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