Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[Steadfast]

Despite what she did, I still want to be fair and at least offer my help. What she does with it is up to her.

 

I was glad to read this. The words (and the encouragement) were getting a mite-bit bit terse beforehand, IMO. Let your anger serve to remove you from an unhealthy situation, not provoke punishment or justice.

 

Bad things happen to good people. And sometimes, bad people prosper. Best to recognize what you can control, and can't, and move on from there.

 

Predicting (or expecting) a life full of suffering for her isn't wise. Don't expect or try to force justice beyond yourself. As it is, you present yourself as someone that demands no more than you're willing to give. That's the kind of integrity we can all get behind. A good friend once told me about my ex; "No matter what she does or says, be nice. Rise above, You'll be shocked how well it all works out in the end." No surprise. He was right.

 

One step at a time. One task. Eat healthy, get good rest, get plenty of fresh air and don't forget to breathe. Posting here is a great release valve.

[TobyBoy]

The question is.....would Bryan still finance the therapy if his unremorseful WW was still 'effing the OM?

[BryanP37]

The question is.....would Bryan still finance the therapy if his unremorseful WW was still 'effing the OM?

 

No. And financial concessions are pulled back too. This fact was communicated in writing. She agreed to it

[BryanP37]

No. And financial concessions are pulled back too. This fact was communicated in writing. She agreed to it

 

But what she does after our divorce is final is up to her. I'm suspecting she won't do the counciling. I'm offering a generou split to do this uncontested and keep it out of a trial. Hopefully she will do what she agreed to do.

[stillafool]

Bryan you are a strong, strong man and I so admire that. However, I can understand your wanting to be fair with your STBXW but it is not your responsibility to help her become a better person. That is totally up to her. I don't think it's healthy for you to be that involved in her life especially since you are seeking to divorce her. You have to worry about your own healing at this point and constant communication with your X will delay the process. You really need to break off all communication with her at this point and let your attorney handle this. I could understand if the two of you had children together you would want to stay in touch but you don't.

[BryanP37]

Yes, totally agree! Bryan you need to focus on yourself now and the best way you can get there is definitelly IC and NC.

 

Good luck!

 

Precisely what my attorney told me when he found out I met with her. I've paid him alot of money, so i will let him earn it. I need to not try and influence anymore. A key was to tone down my anger and animosity (off the charts in the first couple of days) as well as keep her parents on my side. I want her gone, but I don't want to destroy her. As badly as I wanted to exact revenge, it's not the right thing to do and likely would prolong the agony. With her parents on my side, I don't think she will fight back.

 

I am a spectator now. You're right, participating in this will not be good for me.

[2sunny]

Bryan - are you currently doing counseling? Do you plan to if you're not now?

[BryanP37]

Bryan - are you currently doing counseling? Do you plan to if you're not now?

 

Yes I am. Doing it through the Air Force/VA as I've had experience with them after Iraq/Afghanistan. They have very good trauma counciling. This qualifies. Also my boss told me he wants me to stay out at least 30 days while I get these ducks in a row and have a chance get my mind right. She told me don't worry, she will take care of everything for me.

[BryanP37]

Bryan - are you currently doing counseling? Do you plan to if you're not now?

 

Yes I am. Doing it through the Air Force/VA as I've had experience with them after Iraq/Afghanistan. They have very good trauma counciling. This qualifies. Also my boss told me she wants me to stay out at least 30 days while I get these ducks in a row and have a chance get my mind right. She told me don't worry, she will take care of everything for me.

[BryanP37]

Bryan you are a strong, strong man and I so admire that. However, I can understand your wanting to be fair with your STBXW but it is not your responsibility to help her become a better person. That is totally up to her. I don't think it's healthy for you to be that involved in her life especially since you are seeking to divorce her. You have to worry about your own healing at this point and constant communication with your X will delay the process. You really need to break off all communication with her at this point and let your attorney handle this. I could understand if the two of you had children together you would want to stay in touch but you don't.

 

One relationship that I'm glad is good is between myself and my inlaws. Lots of information that she won't tell me face to face coming out. They're telling me on the condition I won't do something about it.

 

Looks like she is a serial cheater. Very good at it from the incidents they told me and in it for the sex and the thrill of getting by with it.

 

Affair with a married professor when she was in college. Several one night stands at the casinos in Shreveport when we were dating while I was on training missions that lasted a week or more. An affair with an enlisted man while I was deployed to Guam after we were married. A short affair with a married coworker about 5 years ago. She swore it off as our marriage and income took off after I left the service. The current one began right after Thanksgiving. Clicked when he invited her in. Was the ultimate thrill for both despite really not liking each other. Like before, the sex and the thrill. Handy and easy and right under everyone's nose. Her AP is the one that blew it for her being a bad housekeeper and not cleaning up the mess she left behind with the ashtray and empty pack left on a coffee table. Was the first time she smoked over there while the affair was on. Her friend had moved out and she felt safe doing it. A faint odor of her perfume was on the sheets too. Neither counted on her friend showing up at her house after she moved out. Makes me ill.

 

Her parents are dumbfounded. They are going to be the ones to try to help her. Told me to try to help myself. I'm now out of that picture. Do not want to hear any other specifics.

 

The saying is pretty much right. Once a cheater always a cheater. At least for her it is. So much for those thinking I'm rushing into this.

Edited April 21, 2013 by BryanP37

[BryanP37]

Will do so in the coming week when I have an exam scheduled with my Dr. Also have an appointment with the VA to get myself into their system to receive trauma counciling. I've lost 17 lbs in the past 3 weeks since my discovery and confrontation last Sunday. Funny what stress and adrenaline will do to you.

 

Looking into judo. Was active competitively in it when I was in the Air Force. Began at the Air Force Academy. Very good stress relief and good for the mind and soul. Keeps you from from kicking the AP's ass as it is the gentle art.

[TobyBoy]

Wow!!! Serial cheater is right. Maybe sex addict?

Her best friend must have known about all the cheating....right? Hell....the OM probably knew also!!!

 

Stay strong!!

[stillafool]

I hate to be the one to say I told you so, but;

 

 

Brace yourself, I wouldn't be surprised at all to hear that this man was not the first one she has f--ked behind your back. I'd almost guarantee it.

 

 

One relationship that I'm glad is good is between myself and my inlaws. Lots of information that she won't tell me face to face coming out. They're telling me on the condition I won't do something about it.

 

Looks like she is a serial cheater. Very good at it from the incidents they told me and in it for the sex and the thrill of getting by with it.

 

Affair with a married professor when she was in college. Several one night stands at the casinos in Shreveport when we were dating while I was on training missions that lasted a week or more. An affair with an enlisted man while I was deployed to Guam after we were married. A short affair with a married coworker about 5 years ago. She swore it off as our marriage and income took off after I left the service. The current one began right after Thanksgiving. Clicked when he invited her in. Was the ultimate thrill for both despite really not liking each other. Like before, the sex and the thrill. Handy and easy and right under everyone's nose. Her AP is the one that blew it for her being a bad housekeeper and not cleaning up the mess she left behind with the ashtray and empty pack left on a coffee table. Was the first time she smoked over there while the affair was on. Her friend had moved out and she felt safe doing it. A faint odor of her perfume was on the sheets too. Neither counted on her friend showing up at her house after she moved out. Makes me ill.

 

Her parents are dumbfounded. They are going to be the ones to try to help her. Told me to try to help myself. I'm now out of that picture. Do not want to hear any other specifics.

 

The saying is pretty much right. Once a cheater always a cheater. At least for her it is. So much for those thinking I'm rushing into this.

 

Yeah, I'm not surprised at all to hear the above. You made the right choice and again, that God you don't have kids with this tramp.

[ComingInHot]

"... They have very good trauma counciling. This qualifies."

 

Please, PLEASE POST AND REPOST ON EVERY SINGLE thread pertaining to Infidelity & A's!!!

[ComingInHot]

"... They have very good trauma counciling. This qualifies."

 

Please, PLEASE POST AND REPOST ON EVERY SINGLE thread pertaining to Infidelity & A's!!!

[stillafool]

Wow!!! Serial cheater is right. Maybe sex addict?

Her best friend must have known about all the cheating....right? Hell....the OM probably knew also!!!

 

Stay strong!!

 

I agree. The best friend had to know of some of your wifes escapades. She was bitten by inviting your wife into her life and trusting her to be a friend.

 

Bryan at this point you probably need to step away from the situation. I don't think hearing all of this new info is helping you at this point. You have lost 17 pounds and you need to start taking care of yourself. I know it is hard but you need to get your mind involved with something else. I think the easiest way to that is no contact with your wife or her relatives.

[BryanP37]

I'm not going to be in touch now with any of my wifes family now. Will take the advice. It's well known now the extent of her screwing around. I thought I wanted to know everything. Now I know I dont. Sickening! How the f**k did I miss this? Good thing she didn't fess up to my face on some of what I heard. Would be in jail now for domestic violence. If there wasnt that one slip up, this would still be going on. Will work through my attorney only communicating from now on. Still will not destroy her, but I have no sympathy now. Will continue taking the high road. I hate losing my inlaws, they are very good people, but I want to hear nothing more about her. I feel sorry for them knowing their only child is worse than a whore. It will be difficult ever trusting a woman again, but maybe the VA can help me with that.

Edited April 22, 2013 by BryanP37

[Richard Friedman]

Just wondering, what about this other man made her drop her panties after like 4 meetings? Is he some kind of adonis?

[Radu]

I'm not going to be in touch now with any of my wifes family now. Will take the advice. It's well known now the extent of her screwing around. I thought I wanted to know everything. Now I know I dont. Sickening! How the f**k did I miss this? Good thing she didn't fess up to my face on some of what I heard. Would be in jail now for domestic violence. If there wasnt that one slip up, this would still be going on. Will work through my attorney only communicating from now on. Still will not destroy her, but I have no sympathy now. Will continue taking the high road. I hate losing my inlaws, they are very good people, but I want to hear nothing more about her. I feel sorry for them knowing their only child is worse than a whore. It will be difficult ever trusting a woman again, but maybe the VA can help me with that.

 

I take it there were others ?

Or was it more than she confessed ?

[Radu]

One relationship that I'm glad is good is between myself and my inlaws. Lots of information that she won't tell me face to face coming out. They're telling me on the condition I won't do something about it.

 

Looks like she is a serial cheater. Very good at it from the incidents they told me and in it for the sex and the thrill of getting by with it.

 

Affair with a married professor when she was in college. Several one night stands at the casinos in Shreveport when we were dating while I was on training missions that lasted a week or more. An affair with an enlisted man while I was deployed to Guam after we were married. A short affair with a married coworker about 5 years ago. She swore it off as our marriage and income took off after I left the service. The current one began right after Thanksgiving. Clicked when he invited her in. Was the ultimate thrill for both despite really not liking each other. Like before, the sex and the thrill. Handy and easy and right under everyone's nose. Her AP is the one that blew it for her being a bad housekeeper and not cleaning up the mess she left behind with the ashtray and empty pack left on a coffee table. Was the first time she smoked over there while the affair was on. Her friend had moved out and she felt safe doing it. A faint odor of her perfume was on the sheets too. Neither counted on her friend showing up at her house after she moved out. Makes me ill.

 

Her parents are dumbfounded. They are going to be the ones to try to help her. Told me to try to help myself. I'm now out of that picture. Do not want to hear any other specifics.

 

The saying is pretty much right. Once a cheater always a cheater. At least for her it is. So much for those thinking I'm rushing into this.

 

OMG, i did think you were a bit cutthroat about it, you pulled the trigger fast.

But honestly ... i don't think so anymore.

I don't think she'll fix herself.

33yrs old, she's too set into her ways and to fix something like that you need yrs and yrs.

If anything, her parents being there for her is probably increasing the chances for her not to put full strength into this.

 

You also mentioned at one point about thinking that her parents are good ppl; very good ppl, by my count they covered several ONS and a few affairs from you when she was in a Relationship with you.

 

Will do so in the coming week when I have an exam scheduled with my Dr. Also have an appointment with the VA to get myself into their system to receive trauma counciling. I've lost 17 lbs in the past 3 weeks since my discovery and confrontation last Sunday. Funny what stress and adrenaline will do to you.

 

Looking into judo. Was active competitively in it when I was in the Air Force. Began at the Air Force Academy. Very good stress relief and good for the mind and soul. Keeps you from from kicking the AP's ass as it is the gentle art.

I did Judo when i was young.

Very good, it's one of the very few martial arts that are not inherently violent.

Aikido is similar.

[BeholdtheMan]

my gut reaction is to toss the cheating whore to the wolves. Not only did she screw me over, she screwed over her best friend. I told her years ago when we were dating, this would be a show stopper if it ever happened and i would expect no quarter either.

 

I would appreciate an outsiders unbiased view on where i might should go from here.

go with your gut

[Oberfeldwebel]

Sorry that you are in this position. Trust is what marriage is about, so don't beat yourself up for being a trusting husband. In the future you will be less trusting, but I caution you not to carry over your wives sins to future relationships. You need time and counselling to move forward as the legal process continues. Currently you are in the anger phase of grieving and this is all very common. However, you will eventually realize that you don't need retribution, as you could never punish her as much as she will punish her own self with her own destructive behavior and the realization what she has done. Being the bigger person will serve you well as you can hold your head high that you have been the officer and gentleman in this situation. Best wishes to you.

[Jonah]

Were you in the service when you met her? Your WS may have had all this in mind from the beginning. I live and work in a navy town and get to hear some stories. I think some gals seek the benefits of both worlds and a military spouse fits the bill. My son was targeted in a similar manner but his US Marine group was a tight bunch and he learned within a couple of years that he was being duped. Cost him much time and money though... He paid for her college degree. Its been four years since and he's still single, but he has found his happiness in that.

[Ihaveaheadache]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

[TobyBoy]

You can look at this a couple ways...

No one is monogamous. We are human, its only a matter of time. If you tell me right now you've never had a fantasy about another woman, then your in serious denial. Just because you dont act on it, Doesn't make you any better, no matter what you tell yourself. Is a mental f*** any better than a physical one?? To each their own on that but your wife obviously has serious resentment towards you and its something your NOT telling us because you want pure sympathy here. I wont give it to you. The chances that you didn't in some way deserve this and that she's just a complete and utter immoral wh**e is VeRY slim. While its wrong to do it with your friends husband, its also convienant, and as her friend who f'd her friends husband, well she must of deserved him to F around too. Relationships are VERY hard, and stuff is going to happen. 58% of people admit to cheating....those are the ones who ADMiT it. Scarey right? The chance that you will ever find someone mentally and physically faithful is pretty slim. So, while you dont have children, thank god,do what you want. However if your smart,you would find out WHY this happened. Because much much much more than likely its your fault and you'll just bring it ibto the new relationship, thus creating this issue all over again

Well....there you have it!!!! Proof that you should never drink the bong water!!!!