Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband

[Darren Steez]

I've had almost 4 days now since I called out my wife on her affair. It's clear there is no where to go but divorce. In the process I've come down on her in a manner she would never have thought possible. I inflicted immense emotional pain on her to a point that could be construed as abuse. My dad and my sisters called me out on that fact last night after my wife and her parents left with the rest of her things. They told me I made it abundently clear she hurt me and I have a right to be upset. However, I do not have a right to conduct myself in such a manner that I inflict much worse damage on her to the point I turn her into a pile of mush.

 

With that in mind, I called her and met with her at her parents. Very surprised she agreed to see me. She is off work as she cannot function. That part is at my hands and I am ashamed of myself for doing so. What she did cannot be fixed to suit me. Her bad, but I took my retribution too far. Some may not agree with this, but I apologized to her, took her in my arms and embraced her. I only apologized for my actions, not for how I feel about what happened. She understand fully where this must go now. I left her in a much more happy state of mind, and I'm in a better frame of mind as well. We have a long way to go to dissolve our marriage. It's better to do it being kind to each other in the process. She is not forgiven yet. If she wants that, she will have to earn it.

 

As bad as what she did was, she really didn't deserve what came back on her to the extent i inflicted it. What's done is done. The drill now is for both of us to do our best to heal and get on with life. I really do hope she learns from this. I certainly did. It took my family calling me out that got me to see I was actually making the situation worse. Despite what happened, I do love this woman, but she can no longer be my wife. I don't want her in my life when we are finished, but I wan't no more bitter feelings to cloud the history. The history was great, just the ending was bad.

 

I honestly don't think you should beat yourself up about the way you're treating her...and no it's not cool to abuse her, but how else does one handle the anger, the bitterness? People deal with it differently, there is no set way to deal with it, no manual..yes you could go to a specialist and talk about it, but you still have to go home and deal with all the images swirling in your head alone. You're taking the steps to deal with it your way in your time.

This is the anger stage..try to manage it as well as you can.

[BryanP37]

I believe reality has set in for my wife. I spoke with her and told her I will be filing for divorce. She's really hoping I will reconsider, but understands and will cooperate to end it asap. Sitting down with attorney tomorrow morning and the wheels start in motion. I really wish I didn't have to do it, but what she did leaves me no choice. I wanted to have kids with her and us die of old age together. Impossible now. She says she's going to try IC. Too late for us, but maybe will help her for next time.

[BryanP37]

You make a good point 2Long. My siblings are doing something tonight I'm not crazy about, but will hear them out once they are done. They are taking my wife to dinner tonight to have time to speak with her and do so without the Gestapo interrogation from me. We've spoken alot today and helped me and evaluate my marriage. They actually poked many holes in what I perceived to be a great marriage. I was also surprised to find out my oldest sister has been a WS. It happened while i was in the UK in the USAF. By the time i came back stateside, they were recovering and kept things were mum. She had an affair almost 11 years ago when she went back to work and her husband was caught up in doing his own thing. It was a workplace affair with another married man whose kid went to school with hers. She was also acquainted with the mans wife through PTA. She sees that Sandi and I are following the same pattern as she did. She got busted, but never separated. Long story short, eventually reconciled but still is very sensitive to her husbands insecurity, but they are thriving. She accepted all of the blame and worked to regain his trust. He on the other hand saw how he may have been a factor in my sister straying.

 

What she sees in mine is I provide a great income,home,vehicles, vacations all the while allowing Sandi to work to occupy her time but not have to worry about paying bills. I control everything, so she never had to grow up. She asks about what do we do together. Basically its sleep together, meals, occasionally dinner out, 3-4 vacations a year. Not true quality time otherwise. She challenged me to tell her what I know about what she does at work, the last time we sat & talked together. Have to say she may be right. This doesn't justify what she did in any way, but I do have to look at what may have caused her to fall into a trap. No excuse for her, but her friends husband dirtbag that he is, may have given her something she didn't know how to ask me for or felt I might snub her. Bottom line we both did a horrible job of communicating. Her horrible choice for crossing the line.

 

Her point is I need to find out from her why and not focus on what she did. Separation may be what Sandi needs. Like 2Long said, give her some time to grow up. Sister is really urging me to not charge right into divorce. She agrees what happened could very well be a show stopper, but hopes I will see big picture and see one thing that is positive, that she didn't have an emotional connection with this guy who is out of the picture now that this is exposed. I have nothing to lose. If it turns out she isn't serious, go ahead and proceed with divorce. My sister feels her affair was worse than what my wife did, but they managed to overcome. At least give it some thought. Sandi will not be able to snow my sister. She will find out tonight if she feels may be the right thing.

 

I'm taking her suggestion under advisement. Still talking to the lawyer tomorrow. I still need to understand the divorce process better. I don't think my sister would give me a bum steer. No wonder she rushed here as soon as my dad told her.

[ComingInHot]

Bryan P37,

Your decision will not be an easy one. No one is debating that here. What it does need to be is Your choice.

Listen to your sister. Listen to your peers. Mostly listen to yourself.

 

You made decide to D or R a thousand times before the final choice is made.

 

I wish I had the words to comfort you. I'm sorry I don't.

 

But I kind of understand. Many here do.

[2sunny]

Your wife never intended to be honest. She caused pain to so many.

 

I don't care how much you may have been uncommunicative together... The solution isn't cheating. The solution would be to get honest - which she didn't.

 

Your sisters situation isn't yours. Did she screw her best friends husband? Did she rip apart that family?

 

Can you honestly overlook all the character defects he has in her cheating ways? The lies, cover up, manipulation?

 

She has the chance to go and be with the guy she cheated with - they both lack moral character = maybe THEY are a good match!

 

I can't see any reason to give her another chance at lying to you for more years.

 

Peace of mind is priceless! I can't see how your wife can recover from her bad behavior when she's just sorry she got caught.

Edited April 19, 2013 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Why did she cheat - your sister wants to know?

 

She cheated because she can. Because it feeds her ego. Because she has a sense of entitlement. Because the sky is blue.

 

None of it is your fault - her cations are all on her.

[BryanP37]

Well, they took her out. No harsh words spoken. They unanimously see the problem. She in their opinion is a self centered tart. They saw no remorse other than she got kicked out. Sister apologized for making a rotten comparison. She doesn't know her that well, but she knows now she must go. She said never have kids with this woman. The other 2 know her a little better, but never have had a high opinion of her. Other being over the top mean to her these past few days, all think I was justified in kicking her out. Time to move on.

[stillafool]

Bryan did your wife ever come to you and say we need to talk because I'm unhappy? It is her responsbility to tell you when she feels things aren't working in the marriage. You are not a mind reader. No, she slept with her friend's husband because she wanted him. It doesn't sound like he had to do much to get her in his bed. She needs to cut the bulls0it and tell the truth. If she hadn't been caught it would still be going on. 2long is correct in saying the things you two do together is quality time. It isn't as if she has kids to take care of.

[Bryanp]

If your family after taking her out for dinner says these things that you know you did the right thing. You would think your wife would have been on her best behavior for this. Apparently your family sees clearly who and what she is.

[wheream_i]

However, I do not have a right to conduct myself in such a manner that I inflict much worse damage on her to the point I turn her into a pile of mush.

 

Yes, you do.

[BryanP37]

My oldest sister has made her own poor decisions that she learned from and saw nothing from my wife that resembled remorse. Only regret she got caught and kicked out. My sister knows how lucky she was to not be kicked to the curb by her own husband. She was thinking my wife would at least appear contrite to appease the family. All of my siblings recognise my marriage is a lost cause and it took less than an hour to come to a unanimous conclusion. Amazing it took 7 years to implode. Probably should have sooner. No more trying to second guess what they thought were my knee jerk reactions. I feel vindicated that my gut reactions were correct, that i wasn't reacting off of an impulse without seeing a big picture. Why doesn't matter now. No holding off on filing.

[2sunny]

You DO have the right and te power to eliminate people from your life that purposely cause pain with poor but intentional choices.

 

She is all that.

 

I'm glad you have the chance to move forward.

 

Get busy living! She's not worth crying over - she just been a big phony all the while pretending to be so loving!

 

Stay strong - it gets better in time.

 

As far as not knowing what she does at work - SHE had every opportunity to tell you - but failed to communicate that to you as well. As far as I'm concerned - SHE chose to put her intimacy and communication into her OM instead of spending that honesty with you, her husband. So that's her own fault for not being willing to tell you about her job, her needs and how it could have beenbetter between the TWO of you!

 

When a third person enters into any marriage - the energy expended on intimacy gets divided.

 

It's her fault for inviting an intruder into your marriage that short changed the enmotional/intimacy level - all without your permission.

[BryanP37]

Listened enough to family. Bad outweighs good here by far. Final decision made, there will be no turning back. A good officer makes hard decisions fast with the facts in front of them. Spent the morning with attorney going through the forms and paid the retainer. Soon to be ex pledges she will cooperate. I pledge to be fair as possible. Wheels are in motion to clean this train wreck up. My attorney takes it from here. For some reason, I feel good for a change. Very much like the day I processed out of the Air Force knowing I had a great job waiting. Am I supposed to feel this way? I would think this would be a sad thing.

 

With any luck, this will be done by August.

[USMCHokie]

Glad to hear it. I consider this a success story of an unfortunate turn of events.

[Silveron]

Bryan,

 

You have every right to feel the way you do, my concern is that you are making decisions way too fast. You are relying on others to make LIFE CHANGING decisions.

 

Yes, what she did was awful, the foundation of your marriage was destroyed, but reading all your posts not only have you put her through an emotional/mental hell you have already decided it's done.

 

Please don't make these decisions lightly. Don't make decisions on emotion. Give yourself the chance to process all of this, to goto counseling and get answers. Divoricing her will not give you vindication, it will not give you the revenge for the hurt you received.

 

You also need to do some serious soul searching. You admitted that you were not there for her, that the communication broke down and you did not spend quality time with her. You both got so comfortable with each other that you took each other for granted. Remember what she did, she did not do this to hurt you or her friend, it sounds like she was looking for someone to communicate who took advantage of the situation.

 

If she wanted sex, she could have gotten that from anywhere. It's easy to come by. You should take a step back and see how much of wolf this guy was and how much of a prey your wife was.

 

This does not mean that she is given a free pass to cheating, I doubt it was the sex that did anything for her, it was more of the 'sweet talking' this guy was showering her with. You don't even remember the last time you had quality time with your wife. When was the last time you took her out on a date?

 

What she did was awful but you are also to blame. My ex-fiancee cheated on me with my best friend and after 6 months of bashing her verbally one day I woke up and realized that it wasn't all her. It was hard to face but my lack of communication and looking back at the snide remarks and criticisms made me realize that I was not treating her good. And it wasn't because I was a bad person it was because I took her for granted, just like you did.

 

I ask to give yourself time to process all of this, I believe you are making decisions way too fast. I'm not saying to 'not' divorce her, but to give yourself both the opportunity to process this correctly. Divorcing her will not make the pain go away.

[stillafool]

Bryan,

 

You also need to do some serious soul searching. You admitted that you were not

there for her, that the communication broke down and you did not spend quality

time with her. You both got so comfortable with each other that you took each

other for granted. Remember what she did, she did not do this to hurt you or

her friend, it sounds like she was looking for someone to communicate who took

advantage of the situation.

 

 

Normally when people are looking for someone to talk to (communicate with) they do not run to their best friend's husband. That's what a best friend is for or for that matter Bryan (her husband).

 

 

If she wanted sex, she could have gotten that from anywhere. It's easy to come

by. You should take a step back and see how much of wolf this guy was and how

much of a prey your wife was.

 

I doubt it was the sex that did anything for her, it was more of the 'sweet

talking' this guy was showering her with.

 

So he is to blame and the wife was just prey? She was the one going over to his house. Who wants someone that falls into bed with the first man who sweet talks his wife. If she is that easilly lead by another mans sweet words what would prevent her from doing this again for the next sweet talker? How do you know the sex didn't do anything for her, women like sex to.

 

 

You don't even remember the last time you had quality time with your wife. When

was the last time you took her out on a date?

 

I guess 3-4 vacations a year and going out to dinner all the time doesn't count for much. If she was feeling neglected she should have talked to her husband about it not her best friends husband.

[Silveron]

I'm not trying to project my own experiences onto him, it's letting him know that at some point alot of us had the same experiences that he is go through now.

 

If taking part of the guilt helped you to accept the fact that your girlfriend cheated on you is fine

 

That didn't help me accept her cheating on me, it helped me as a person. I had to eventually stop yelling and disrespecting her the way I was after I found out. It wasn't helping me and it wasn't helping her. I had to emerge out of that 'anger' mode and ask myself some questions.

 

Marriage is about boundaries and if a boundary is crossed then a consequence should be paid. However I also believe a mistake a person makes does not define them by that mistake. Should a family disown one of their own because they got caught up in drugs? Most people would say 'No, that they need help' and usually the family is the first to be there for them. Did they do drugs to hurt anyone? No, but the consequence is that it usually does. Same goes for affairs. She didn't go out with the intention of hurting her husband, however the result was that it did.

 

She can't be defined by her mistake. Alot of people on here want to villify her and I find that wrong. If we were all labeled by the mistakes we made then no one would like / love each other.

 

I just get the sense from the OP that he wants the divorce to move on from the pain. I can understand that, but the pain will not go away after you sign that divorce paper. Feelings cannot be shut off by a pen-stroke.

 

I look at this situation as a growing weed. Find out the root of the issue, remove it then you will be sure that weed will never grow back. The cheating is not the root of the issue, it's what has caused it. If they were to take the time to dig deeper they will probably realize that a number of issues, including a lack of communication was a part of it.

 

To the OP, she loves you. By what you wrote she does. If there is love, there is always the choice to want to re-establish that connection. Also to the OP, please look up the seven signs of grief it might help you give you an indication on what you may be feeling in the future.

 

You will go through many phases of your feelings with this, the first being anger and betrayal. This is normal and this is why I ask for you maybe think about slowing down the decision process. It does no good to act on emotions right now.

[Silveron]

Bryan,

 

 

 

 

Normally when people are looking for someone to talk to (communicate with) they do not run to their best friend's husband. That's what a best friend is for or for that matter Bryan (her husband).

 

 

 

 

 

 

So he is to blame and the wife was just prey? She was the one going over to his house. Who wants someone that falls into bed with the first man who sweet talks his wife. If she is that easilly lead by another mans sweet words what would prevent her from doing this again for the next sweet talker? How do you know the sex didn't do anything for her, women like sex to.

 

 

 

 

I guess 3-4 vacations a year and going out to dinner all the time doesn't count for much. If she was feeling neglected she should have talked to her husband about it not her best friends husband.

 

I'm not putting the blame on him, please read my other reply.

[Silveron]

Ok to begin with cheating is NOT a mistake... it is a voluntary act of treason... if you would be a BS as you claim to be that should be clear by now!

Secondly no one here is trying to vilify his wife... she vilified herself by sleeping with her best friend's wife while her best friend was living in her house because she suspected her husband had an affair...

 

Does OP's wife loves OP? I would not dare to say she doesn't... most of cheating partners still have feelings for the cheated partner... that doesn't change the fact that she took the delivered choice of deceiving her husband to satisfy her selfish needs...

 

Could she be reconciliation material? Of course she could... like every WS who is remorseful and willing to do the heavy lifting... but at this point is not about the WS... it is about how the BS (in this case the OP) feels about the situation... if he feels what his wife did is more than what he can take he is taking the right moves in the right direction! Trying to reconcile when he is not able to accept the facts will only make them (both) very unhappy!

 

I was a BS, we were together for years and living together. She cheated with my best friend (the same friend who I ran into his burning house to find his rotweiler and carry him out to give him CPR). She did this about a year later with her cheating. So, I do know where he is coming from..

 

I'm not trying to sway him to make one decision or another, all I'm saying is to make decisions when he's been able to cool off some. Perhaps a vacation for a week or so by himself to clear out his head would help. He needs time to process all of this the right way.

[BryanP37]

Yes I did make a fast decision. I took many people's opinions under advisement. One aggravating factor I considered is she doesn't seem to understand how deeply she hurt me doing what she did basically right under my nose. I trusted her to do the right thing and she screwed me over.

 

What REALLY decided it, was the opportunity for me to cheat has fallen into my lap countless times. I didn't bite on the bait. I had a beautiful wife at home waiting for me. I love her and have a deep respect for her and the institution of marriage.

 

Case in point. We married in my last year of military service. Our bomb wing deployed twice during that time. Once to the UK and once to Guam. American servicemen, especially officers, are swarmed by women in those places. I could easily had the time of my life, I know of some who did. But I remained faithful. Not out of fear of being caught, but out of love and respect for her. It would have been very unlikely I would have been found out.

 

I also travel for work. Meeting women in hotels or restaurants when I'm out of town would be no problem. As a matter of fact, I was hit on a couple of months back. I've also been flirted with at work. Didn't bite. Reason? Same as above.

 

My wife took the bait. Screwed her best friend over at the same time. She may love me, but I doubt respects me. She should have said something before she took the bait.

 

Maybe it's too fast. It's possible she could be wife material again. I don't want to wait around to find out.

Edited April 19, 2013 by BryanP37

[Silveron]

Bryan,

 

Have you ever told her of these situations? You deserved to be rewarded for being in the service, but you don't deserve a medal for being faithful to your wife. That is understood boundaries. Married men such as you and I always have temptations, however we are both logical enough to think a couple steps ahead whereas others might not do so.

 

I am sure your wife had opportunities before and did not act on them.

 

You stated:

One aggravating factor I considered is she doesn't seem to understand how deeply she hurt me doing what she did basically right under my nose. I trusted her to do the right thing and she screwed me over.

 

What would you want her to do or say for her to understand how you feel? IMO I think you are so hurt right now that nothing she could do or say would help this, which is very understandable.

 

As for you saying respect, that's a question you need to ask her and not just one level deep. When you ask her and she replies keep asking her why. Digging deep enough will give you the answers.

 

That's your decision whether or not you think she could be wife material to you again, it's your life. I'm just trying to show you things from a different angle.

Animallover, it did not help me move forward, it helped me as a person so that I did not make the same mistake with the next woman I had a relationship with. You also have to keep yourself 'in check'.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Silveron

[Silveron]

Being cheated on is the worst pain imaginable, short of losing a child. It rocks your foundation of everything you believe in, it gives you the feeling in the pit of your stomache like you are always going to get sick. It leaves you dazed and confused, betrayed, hurt and not knowing what to believe in anymore.

 

I get this, I experienced it and it's something I NEVER want to experience again.

 

What to say his wife won't do it again? What's to say the next woman he has a relationship won't do it to him? What's to say the woman he meets did something similiar to a previous bf or husband?

 

There are no guranatee in life. There is no instruction book. There are no text-book answers. It's something that each person has to decide on with a clear head, not one filled with all these emotions. What I can promise the OP that you find better ways of coping with the hurt, however being with her or not with her, he won't just 'forget about it' and move on. Ten years from now it will still be in the back of his head.

 

What I was trying to ask the OP was, what could your wife say or do to help you with this and keep his mind open to working things out with her? From his previous posts it sounds like he is so hurt that nothing she can do or say would help. It's because this is still fresh, it just happened. He needs to give himself the chance to process all of this. He's going to do this either way, if he goes through with the divorce or waits.

 

I can't agree with your statement about why people cheat. Happily married, they just don't one day decide 'Oh, I'm going to upheave my life and betray my spouse'. There are many more reasons, usually a recipe of reasons mixed together that make infidality happen. Does the BS deserve to be cheated on? NO! However it usually happens when one spouse is so disconnected from reality and their spouse that distorts their decisions.

 

Granted there are some purely evil people out there that will cheat for the thrill, for the lust and for the validitiy. However I don't believe that is the norm. IMO from reading his posts (and remember we can't read what she is feeling), that she felt disconncted from him. Whether or not she tried talking to him, I don't know since he never mentioned that.

 

You keep saying it's treason. That's the point, treason is defined as a defiant act to hurt or destroy another person (or nation). She did not (and from my knowledge most WS) do this to intentionally hurt him. Only she can answer those questions. If she were to come out and tell him she did this to intentionally hurt him, then I apologize.

[BryanP37]

I wasn't looking for a pat on the back for serving our country and being a faithful husband at the dame time. My point was I didn't stray when the opportunity was right there. And she knew knew this because I told her before I left.

 

Yes, I actually do tell her what happens when I'm out of town. I am transparent to her. I disclose everything. Nothing to hide. I made a point to teiill her as i found some of it pathetically funny when they persisted even after i told them im married and showed them my ring. If she wanted to look at any of our online household accounts, all she had to do was go to the desk and find the index card with user names and passwords and she could look at whatever she wanted. I gave her no reason to ever doubt my commitment to her. We also said I do to the same vows. In my mind very serious answer and not filler for the ceremony.

 

She greeted me when i came home from like there was not a care in the world when for a few months she was coming home right from the scumbags house. She laid an expert smokescreen and I bought it because I trusted her. Considering we were husband and wife, I had no reason to doubt her. There should be no secrets.

 

She breeched the trust. Lived a lie and I unwittingly went along with it. I'm willing to live with ending it.

[Guitarjeff]

Continue with your divorce. There is no law in any state that says you can't marry the same person again at some later time in life.

 

Only you know if you could ever live life knowing you will never be with someone who would never cheat on you. When you got married, before she cheated, you actually LIVED that dream and it is exactly one of the main reasons you got married and kept your vows.

 

Sorry Silverman, but I think you are trying to substantiate your own weakness by getting someone else to be weak too, making yourself feel better about your own weakness? You know darn well that there are a TON of betrayed spouses who wish they could leave, who wish they were strong enough to demand that they spend the rest of their life with someone who would never cheat on them, but they are too weak to demand this of their life. They stay for financial reasons, fear of being alone, and many other reasons that are not healthy. One way they cope with their weakness is to try and convince others that IT'S NOT WEAKNESS, IT'S REAL LOVE AND SENSITIVITY. If they can get others to fall prey to the fear and pain then that helps them feel better about their own weakness. It makes them feel substantiated in their weak actions and fear.

 

You and everyone here knows that there are many people who are too afraid to move on alone, or afraid for money reasons, but now let me ask you, where are these people at posting and admitting that they stayed out of fear, or fear no one else will want them? You know this happens al the time, yet you never see those people on here admitting to it, why?

 

It's because no one wants to admit they stayed for those reasons, no one wants to say to the world that they are weak and couldn't stand up for themselves and they crumbled to the weakness. You know this happens in real life, yet where are those people admitting it? What they do far more often is try to rationalize their actions, and if they can convince others to do the same under the veil of "I am being sensitive and understanding because we have real love", it makes them feel substantiated about what they did and enables them to avoid facing their own weakness. If everyone does it, then it must not be weakness, so i must be a strong, yet caring, sensitive, loving person.

 

Sorry, but I suspect you are working under the old saying, "Misery Loves Company" I can't say for sure, but your advice is far and away different from most everyone else trying to help this strong man.

 

I think it's obvious he could never live the rest of his life wondering what it would be like to grow old with someone who HAS NEVER cheated on him. He knows that this is a huge part of why he got married in the first place, and that is ALWAYS GONE FOREVER. He would probably see other loving couples who have been faithful to each other and think to himself, I had that dream ripped away from my life and I can never know what it's like again. He will ask himself, "Do I deserve to grow old with someone who has never and would never cheat on me?"

 

I think he is a strong man and you can clearly see he demands that in his life and is NOT WILLING to sacrifice it for any reason, and he has every right to feel that and act on it.

 

If he knows this about himself then he has ZERO reason to wait for his divorce. Waiting will only cause him more pain and delay his progress to a new life that he CAN FEEL GOOD ABOUT!!

 

So I'm sorry, but I believe you may be giving him this advice because you feel bad about your own situation, and if you can get others to do the same, then you feel better about your own weakness.

[troubadour]

 

I think it's obvious he could never live the rest of his life wondering what it would be like to grow old with someone who HAS NEVER cheated on him. He knows that this is a huge part of why he got married in the first place, and that is ALWAYS GONE FOREVER. He would probably see other loving couples who have been faithful to each other and think to himself, I had that dream ripped away from my life and I can never know what it's like again. He will ask himself, "Do I deserve to grow old with someone who has never and would never cheat on me?"

 

 

 

Guitarjeff, I agree with you but you seem to fail to take into consideration that his next love interest may cheat on him as well. The probability of being cheated on by his next partner is actually quite high.... about 50%. It will get even higher if he decides to marry another attractive woman. This is sad but true reality of the world we are living in.