Why you should stay NC.

[McGriff]

Ok, so I got some texts from the ex yesterday as I posted in a couple threads. You can see them here:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/386205-day-20-nc-she-texts

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/386371-ex-just-texted-me-again-what-does-she-want-me

 

Ok, I failed NC, and am paying the price. I am not despondent or anything, just a setback. Anyways, I answered her "what's new?" text this morning, and just told her about some travel plans I have, and she responded with the fact that she's going to New Orleans in a couple weeks "with the person I'm dating", and that she bought tickets to a concert we were supposed to attend together and she was really excited about it. I didn't ask any questions and just told her good for her, I'm happy for her and to take care of herself. She hasn't answered back. Now I'm pretty sure the person she's dating is her ex, but I'm not sure of the reason she reached out to me after silence for almost three weeks? I mean, maybe things aren't great for her, and she's just seeing if I'm still attached? I didn't really give her any info except that I'm going on some trips, I didn't tell her that I too am dating. I'm just really confused at this point. What is she trying to accomplish? Is she trying to hurt me? Is she just still thinking about me? Obviously, I'm going back into NC unless and until I get THE TEXT. In the meantime, I will continue dating and work on myself and try to enjoy life for awhile. Please don't beat me up too bad.

[iouaname]

Just to add my experience to this:

 

I went no contact for two months despite him attempting to contact me every few weeks, and I did so to preserve my dignity more than anything else. As soon as no contact was broken, all of the work that I did was thrown out the window and I felt less dignified and less in-control than before, and now I feel like I'm picking up the pieces and starting all over again.

[Chi townD]

you aren't the first to break NC and you certainly won't be the last. All that text interchange told me is that she's trying to "friend zone" you. Nothing more.

 

I guess now you see the importance of NC?

[McGriff]

Yes Chitown, I do. I'm mad at myself, because I've been so strong, but I guess i am human. I've always been one for hard lessons, and this is another example. So I guess I'm back to day 1, but at least this time it's more about me being mad at myself vs the devastating sense of heartbreak.

[Chi townD]

Don't be mad at yourself. Learn from it. The next time you get a text from her, just STOP!!! Take a deep breath and ask yourself, "What would she want to tell me about? Her trip to New Orleans? The concert she took the other guy to that was supposed to be you? Do you really want to hear about it?"

 

Then, erase the text and forget it ever came through.

[iouaname]

McGriff - I'm experiencing a lot of what you are! I feel very mad at myself for what happened after no contact got broken. Right now I am just working on forgiving myself, realizing that I am human and that at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks of me.

[OnMyTod]

Just keep on with NC. Why she should be telling you what she's doing and where she's going and who with is not in your best interests. Just had my ex break NC with me over something (family death - her nan is married to my ex uncle who just passed away) and to be honest it has really pissed me off as i have enough family here to tell me and after she forced NC on me and told me to respect her decision what right did she have to text me. As hard as it is mate move on it's the best thing for you and as always the best things for us aren't always the easiest things to do.

[Damsel in Distress]

Well McGriff, you had to learn the hard way, but thank you for sharing because I really really needed to hear this. The past week I was feeling so strong - my friends were saying it's good to see me being back to my old self, and happy I'm making so much progress. But today something broke in my resolve and I have been desperate DESPERATE to break NC. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/386341-letting-ex-know-you-miss-them#post4798658

 

Since I wrote that post I have been fighting myself like a person in withdrawal from something serious like heroin! I'm in misery trying to keep myself from calling him. I tried several things to distract myself but an obsessed mind can't be distracted. So finally I just lay on the couch crying my phone in my hand, wallowing in the misery of being powerless. I know intellectually that nothing good can come of calling him, but I feel desperate for a "fix" even if I know it's bad for me. And I keep asking myself, why is it I want to call instead of email? Because I want instant gratification! I hold on to the hope that maybe finally he will feel guilty enough to pick up. And even if he doesn't pick up, dialing his number and hearing his voicemail message would give me some kind of connection - a substitute fix. Plus knowing he would see my missed call and HAVE to think of me... my withdrawal-addled mind has a million ways of convincing me I should give in to this urge!! It's even convinced me that even if he won't pick up, it will trigger a cascade of thoughts that will make him call me back. AAAGGGHH!!

 

Honestly I don't think it's that I want him back - I'm so appalled at how he has handled this and treated me - but it's just needing the fix of some connection with him. To know how he's doing, what he's up to, how he's feeling and thinking, even it hurts me, I have an incredible urge to hear from him.

 

Holy cow, I JUST realized as I type that it's exactly two months since this all started. Today is April 15th. February 15th was the last day that things were normal. Followed by two weeks of abrupt silence. An email and phone call from him at the beginning of March, then 6 weeks of silence again. And today is April 15th. Maybe this is some kind of anniversary grief, who knows.

 

But anyway, McGriff, thank you for posting. I clearly need some serious, convincing messages about the perils of contact as I fight this demon inside me

 

 

 

And so far, I have not. But

[fabulousgal]

Dude how very selfish of this lady. Why should she be telling you "about the new person she is dating." Screw her. Shaking my head, why isn't she texting HIM instead of dragging you down.

 

She sounds like she needed validation you'd reply.

 

Next time either ignore (preferred) or tell her your on the way to pick up condoms for your date with a lingerie model.

 

Hooker.

[Jono85]

my ex did the same thing. basically broke NC to undercover notify me that she started seeing someone. it's beyond f*cked, but these hoes be selfish and need that ego boost. f*ck em. be the bigger person. let it go. just don't go back.

 

this whole "until i get THE text" crap hopefully fades quick. you said you're trying to get your balls back into your possession, but unfortunately moving on UNLESS your ex decides to want you in her life again romantically, still means she owns your balls. keep trying though..

[Damsel in Distress]

McGriff, sorry my reply was completely about myself! In not in a good state of mind!

 

I am so so so sorry that this girl texted you a what's up after 7 weeks of NC... triggering all kinds of thoughts about the possible reasons she might be breaking NC, and actually lured you into texting back...only to respond with all the great things she is doing with the new guy?! As I said yesterday when it was just a "What's up?" trap.... WTF! I know you want this girl back, but look at how cruel she is being!

 

I know you want to think that maybe things aren't going so well for her, but I honestly don't think that's it. I think it just drove her crazy that you weren't in touch at all for 7 weeks. I think it was just idle curiosity about what you are up to, and whether you are ignoring her because you are devastated, moved on, whatever. I don't think she contacted you to see if you are emotionally still attached - I think she's already put you in the category of "somebody that I used to know" as Gotye says. I'm being a little harsh because I don't want you reaching in to get bitten again the next time she lays another trap!

 

And McGriff, it does seem like you at least waited over night before replying - that's better than responding immediately! Hey, an ex contacts you after 7 weeks of no contact - of course your heart leaps, of course your mind races... it not impossible to resist it - we have examples here on LS, but gosh those people must have steely resolve. I understand why you responded, and I'm sure I would have done the same - trying to temper the hopes that it's a sign, but unable to resist, worrying you might miss a chance if you don't jump on it. I'm sorry it wasn't want you want to hear, your hopes were dashed, but you learned a lesson, and life goes on.

[McGriff]

@damsel

 

Well I know what you're going through. But I'll say this---the ONLY thing that I can take credit for is that I didn't initiate. Don't do it. It's a battle of wills and you can hold out. Don't give him the satisfaction. My ex is still texting me as we speak, but I'm shutting it down. I don't know what's up with her, why she's texting me instead the ex. I validated her, let her know I'm still here to receive her communications, but it's just not worth it. I know what you're going through, but you've made it 6 weeks!! 6 weeks!! That takes alot of strength and you should be proud. You've shown that you have dignity, and self control. I think you know what the right thing to do is

[Damsel in Distress]

But I'll say this---the ONLY thing that I can take credit for is that I didn't initiate.

 

Good point! And that's what I was trying to say at the end of my second reply - I think we can all understand how hard it is to resist when THEY make contact.

 

So yes, give yourself some credit for that.

 

And an excellent point for me - it really would be a setback for ME to break NC after being dumped. Have some self-respect, Damsel!

 

So McGriff - she's wanting to continue texting and you said you are shutting it down - how? Did you ask her to back off or what? I can't believe she keeps texting!

[McGriff]

She's texting softball questions about my upcoming trips and even asked if I'm dating. I am ignoring the texts now, so we'll see how long she keeps going. Last one was 15 min ago. I'm not the type to tell her to f*ck off, so I'll just ignore them.

[Damsel in Distress]

Wow she outright asked you. Don't answer her!

 

But McGriff, now that you already started interacting with her it seems worse to suddenly ignore her than it would to say F off, lol. As somebody suffering from being ignored, I'd much rather somebody tell me they are closing off communication than just go blackout on me. NC has already been broken, if you don't want to be rude, you can always be honest and say that you think keeping some distance is best for both of you. Then return to NC.

[McGriff]

This whole last 24 hours since I received the first text has been bizarre. She has proceeded to tell me about the new person she's dating (apparently NOT her ex), she's asked about my kids, my ex wife, told me about her personal issues regarding her birth control. All of which went unanswered. I've actually been in court and I could feel my phone in my pocket going off over and over with her incoming texts. They stopped at 200pm (that's when she goes to work). 15 messages total. I am completely perplexed. Why? She just spilled her guts to me on what's going on in her life sprinkled with questions about mine. She said the guy she's dating is really nice and they have fun. It's sooooo bizarre. It's like she had some kind of one sides counseling session by text to my phone. I really don't know what to say, obviously I'm not answering, but I'm pretty sure no one else has been through this?

[ThatJustHappened]

That's pretty weird. Are you able to block her so she can't do that anymore?

 

This might be controversial..but how would you feel about texting her to ask her to leave you alone?

[Chi townD]

Nah, I've seen something like this before.

 

She's trying to convince herself that dumping you was the right choice. Telling you how great her life is and how she's having sooo much fun with the new guy.....blah....blah....

 

It's just a weird way for her to convince herself that there's was a reason why the two of you aren't together. Thus, asking YOU questions if you're dating or not. If you would have said yes, then she would LOVE to say to herself. "Oh! Look! I'm dating someone and I'm happy. He's dating someone and he appears to be happy and we still seem to be really good friends. I guess the break up was a good thing after all!" Therefore, she would be able to relieve the guilt that she's having.

[Damsel in Distress]

Wow, that's really crazy. And I'm sure it was distracting as hell! 15 times while you were at work?! Gosh! 7 months of NOTHING and suddenly spilling everything? including her birth control?! WTF!

 

You can't help but wonder why now, but McGriff, you cannot get into a conversation with this woman. Whatever she's up to, it's not what you want. It's something selfish - who knows what.

 

i bet you are now wishing you hadn't responded to that first text - opening the flood gates Now you have to close it back up. This isn't good for you, and isn't even good for her.

[McGriff]

Chitown,

 

That makes sense (if anything). It's so crazy because a month ago, she wanted to cuddle, then a week after that she was telling me about her son saying he wanted her to call me (he's 3y/o). And then we went NC for 3 weeks and now this. Maybe she's losing it? Haha I don't know. She's obviously trying to shove info down my throat, for what purpose I don't know. I showed one of my colleagues at work, and she was thinking the same thing as you Chitown. Anyways, I think this is helping me because her bizarre behavior is a complete turnoff. Oh well, it seems the episode is over now. We'll see what happens next. It won't be me doing anything though, I can promise that...

[IS IT Better late]

McGriff,

 

Interesting timing, my ex sent me a bunch of texts yesterday, pictures of her out with friends and then just mostly BS small talk. Of course I took the bait and texted her back. I'm not sure her motives, she seems to be fishing around a little asking me what I did on Sat night? Are these chicks just trying stroke their ego or are they having second thoughts. Unlike you I have no idea if she's dating someone else. But after 2-months of being apart it's interesting to know I'm still on her mind to some extend. I'm just trying to figure what this dummie wants.

 

Keep us posted with your situation. Lots of simalarites.

[McGriff]

Iibl,

 

I wish I had an answer! It just goes to show that I once believed I knew women, but I now know that I have no idea. You know what's sad? My friend said that he thinks she's just putting herself at the forefront of my mind, and she wants me as a fallback option because her current situation is worse than she's letting on. Maybe your girl is in the same situation? It bugs me to be described as a "fallback option". No bueno.

[TheFriend]

McGrif, she is being such a b**** to you. I know you still have some care for her and I am sorry to say that, but it is unreal that she is telling you everything and THEN telling you how nice her new guy is and how much fun they have... It makes my blood boil for you because I know EXACTALLY how you feel. I'm pretty sure you commented on a thread of mine when my ex called to tell me she was dating another guy whom she was madly in love with. I am not sure why we are willing to allow this treatment. I have been in re nc for 10 days now and I am afraid that I will soon get these types of texts.

 

Like you I cannot just say **** off:(

 

I'm actually afraid for you that if you ignore her that she may try and come back to you... Be careful with it all if you go missing suddenly i bet she will be incredibly mind ****ed and become more aggressive, maybe even start mean texts:/