McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 Ex has been texting me pretty much all day after 20 days NC, 2 months from BU. she just sent me this: "So what's new?" It's a simple text, but it has me perplexed on how to answer. I think she is trying to figure out if I'm seeing somebody (I went on a date last night), and her sixth sense is firing up. It's really none of her business. I mean I still love her, but I've come to far to go back to being strung along with breadcrumbs. My intuition tells me she's interested in SOMETHING, I just don't know what. Should I ignore it (I feel like an as*hole if I do)---but I don't want to give her any info on what I'm doing. Help! 1
anna121 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I would ignore and see if she gets the message. If she repeats the attempt, use a minimal response like "Not much" that makes it clear that you are not interested in continuing contact (I'm of course assuming that you're not). Lather, rinse, repeat. Eventually she will give up.
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'm behind on the forum, so I don't know what's happened - have you replied to the previous texts this weekend? I think it's best not to respond. Remember all the stuff about breadcrumbs. If you want to be civil, maybe reply honestly saying something about it's for the best to give each other space to separate and move on after the breakup.
Author McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Here's the thing...if she wanted to get back together I would do it in a heartbeat. I know it's stupid to say, but I'm just being honest. What I DON'T WANT, is her stringing me along. So I'm stuck in the middle. She's not asking me back, and I don't think she's stringing me along (yet), she is just fishing for info. If I ignore her, (and I think she's feeling uncomfortable not knowing if I'm with somebody) she'll have an uncomfortable night wondering. I'm thinking that this sudden explosion of contact on her part may be because she is having trouble with a new person she may be dating. I really don't want her to go away if there is a chance for us. I've given her alot of space, and now she may be having second thoughts (MAYBE). I just don't know, but I don't wanna make any mistakes. Lord knows I've made enough already.
Author McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Damsel, here is my earlier thread https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/386205-day-20-nc-she-texts
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 McGriff, if you engage in her chit-chat texting, even if you don't give information, she knows she has your attention (ego-strokes), and you will be hoping and analyzing every text for signs she might be warming back up to you. Don't you think the reason she is suddenly texting you is BECAUSE you went NC - seemed mysterious, seemed to be healing too quickly ("why doesn't he miss me, something must be up"). IF something happened with her new (but old- it was an ex, right?) relationship and she's curious about getting you back... you want to wait until she's so sure that she wants you back that she doesn't care if you are dating. If she really wants you back she would swallow her pride and say, look I made a mistake, I'm sorry, I can't live without you, etc etc etc. If she's not at that point, exchanging chatting little texts is not in your best interests for healing, or for getting her back. I suggested saying someting about you feel it's been working well to give each other space to recover.... playing it cool (despite what you mean feel inside, lol). You do not want to come across as eager to engage in non-serious little chit-chat - you should sound like you are moving right along in the healing process and want t keep it that way. And giving space works both ways - you have been giving her space, and she needs to respect you and give you space. Have you read Alone In Paradise's thread? his ex wants back and he's saying please respect my need for space. And it's only making her more crazy - she showed up at his house with something like flowers or wine (can't remember what exactly, lol). He sent her away! Because he needs to feel certain that she is coming back for the right reasons and trust that she is ready to have a real relationship. And to be sure that he trusts her enough to hand his heart back over. After somebody has broken up with you that's not something that you can just make right with a few words. It takes some proving that they deserve your heart again. Just be careful McGriff. You were making big strides in your recovery and I'm afraid the ex sniffing around like this is not going to be in your favor. Be strong! 3
Echo000 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 this is the thing McGriff.. If she wants to be with you..she should have the decency to just say it to you. I think you deserve that. All this.."so whats new?" stuff is just garbage man. My mentally is this..unless the ex wants to be honest and real, then dont waste your time with anything authentic back. With a stupid meaningless text like that, dont respond man. If anything, it will push her to come up with something more authentic to say in the future if she chooses to contact you again. 1
KatZee Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 What about "NC" is hard to follow here? She dumped you for her abusive ex, correct? Now life isn't so great anymore, and she wants her fall back guy. (YOU) She doesn't want to date you. She isn't in love with you. She just wants to know you're still around just in case she felt like leaving her ex. She's a hot mess. Leave it at that. That's all she wants. Your attention, and for you to fall all over her like you've probably done in the past. Block her number and stop this nonsense already. "So what's up?" What the f.uck even is that? She left you for someone else, has been living her life without you, and then sends "what's up" as if nothing has even happened? Tell her to go f.uck herself. Seriously. 6
Echo000 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 What about "NC" is hard to follow here? She dumped you for her abusive ex, correct? Now life isn't so great anymore, and she wants her fall back guy. (YOU) She doesn't want to date you. She isn't in love with you. She just wants to know you're still around just in case she felt like leaving her ex. She's a hot mess. Leave it at that. That's all she wants. Your attention, and for you to fall all over her like you've probably done in the past. Block her number and stop this nonsense already. "So what's up?" What the f.uck even is that? She left you for someone else, has been living her life without you, and then sends "what's up" as if nothing has even happened? Tell her to go f.uck herself. Seriously. ^^person is pretty spot on..harshly said, but true.
Author McGriff Posted April 15, 2013 Author Posted April 15, 2013 Ok thanks guys, and I know you are right. I REALLY don't want to go backwards and this idle crap will do just that. I was thinking of responses, but now I think I'm just gonna ignore it. If she wants to work things out with me, she's gonna have to come at me with it. I am moving on, and I think she knows it and is trying to reassert her hold on me that I've fought so hard to overcome. I was really good to her, and I know there will come a time when she will realize that (if she already hasn't). Thanks for the advice, I will heed your words. Thanks for being there for me. 3
Damsel in Distress Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 KatZee has an excellent point. After dumping you for somebody else, ignoring you for 20 days... her first contact is "what's up?" WTF! Not appropriate! She broke your heart and thinks she can waltz right back in with a what's up??? Please! Be strong!!
TheFriend Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I agree that if an ex wants you back they will flat out say it. It's really effed up of an ex to just shoot a "what's new" text. I feel so bad that she did this to you. It is seriously so cruel. I guess you know she's thinking about you, but that's not what you need at the same time. You do have the ball in your court right now by choosing to respond or not. Keep us updated 1
Chi townD Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I agree, "So, what's new?" isn't "I'm sorry, I want to come back and I will do anything to prove to you that I was an idiot." She's pulling on the leash to see if the dog is still there.
cavalier99 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 (edited) NEVER RESPOND! Great time to block her too. And if i did respond which i wouldnt it would be to say "F*ck off and stop stalking me..control yourself" and shame her into silence. But NC is best. Cav Edited April 15, 2013 by cavalier99
itto ogami Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I'm prepping my own tale of recent dumping and NO CONTACT to inspire, but just to sneak preview, I was dumped for another guy -- and dumped in a Facebook message! -- and I immediately went into NO CONTACT with not a word of response or resolution from my corner. I get two messages a week from her, ranging from a lame "You're an amazing and important person in my life" to "I had a dream you hated me" to incredibly, "How mad would you be if I came to your show next week' (I'm a musician) to a day ago, she actually tried to add me as a friend on FB after I deleted her! Had I responded at all, that would have given her what she wants. Instead, her mind is spinning because I'm not settling for her behavior or breadcrumbs. NO CONTACT is one of the hardest things I've ever done. But it's also been the wisest. I'm learning about myself, my needs and wants, and what I'm willing to settle for in my life. By cleaning out the toxin of the relationship, you're getting stronger, altho it may not feel that way. Silence is DEAFENING. Say nothing and your ex's mind will fill in the blanks worse than you ever could. She will definitely try to contact you again. Stay strong. Move on. 5
steveT95 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 ^^^^ This! Oh how I wish I had been stronger and achieved what this guy has!
StraylightRun24 Posted April 15, 2013 Posted April 15, 2013 I would listen to all the other poster's advice and not respond. The girl I was involved with before my recent ex was the queen of breadcrumbs and I ate every single one of them up and I was dragged through hell for at least an additional 7 months while she was off with her new man. I was too wrapped up in my emotions (fear of losing her, scared of being alone...you know all that fun stuff!) that I couldn't see the only times she ever contacted me was when she was having trouble with him. Fortunately I learned from that experience and when my current ex BU with me I told her please to not contact me when she asked if she could check up on me in a few weeks because I told her I know myself and I over analyze things and take a long time to get over things. That was the end of last year and she hasn't attempted to contact me in any way. Yes it's a bummer not hearing from her I'm thankful for not having to deal with stupid breadcrumbs this time around because all they do is eff with your head. I know it's hard McGriff but stay strong and don't respond. In my personal experience it just leads to more wasted time on somebody who actually doesn't want to be with you. 2
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