philosia Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Hello, I guess I'm going to move from the break-up subforum to this one... for the moment, because who knows what will happen in the end... This is my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/377311-he-wants-me-back I'm planning to take it slow, I noticed that I am afraid that he will change his mind. This morning, he sent me a nice text but without reason I couldn't help it and I asked him if he has second thoughts and he replied that all his thoughts are about him wanting to be with me, to cherish me more than before and to share everything with me. I think that he will need a lot of patience with me. So for me, the first challenge is to begin trusting him again, even though I know what he is capable of... and that is ending it all. Another challenge will be getting intimate again, and for me at this moment it really isn't something that I could do, because after that he will have my soul again and I'm not ready yet. I will be reading a lot of these threads here and I am sure they'll help me. Feel free to tell me about the challenges that you have identified and how do you plan to surpass them or how you did it already. Thanks. 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 I posted in your other thread.... You are right to be cautious and to just wait.... Remember that Actions speak louder than Words. He needs to put his money where his mouth is. But the separation on the horizon - should this 'second chance' work out as you would ideally like - is going to be all the more painful for you. So what conflicts you is that you know: If this all goes really well now, it simply means that the separation will be heart-wrenchingly painful. But if it doesn't work out, you will have your heart ripped up again, by someone who much as his intentions may have been good, couldn't keep his end of the deal..... And you know what? Nobody can help you with this. All we can do is to 'be here for you'.
Author philosia Posted March 4, 2013 Author Posted March 4, 2013 I posted in your other thread.... Thank you, for your wise words. I also replied in that thread.
marklarsson Posted March 4, 2013 Posted March 4, 2013 Trust is the most important thing. The main reason why my ex and I are not together now is because she did not believe a word I had to say after the break up. She had her defence up against me. Everything I told her she though I was lying. I think she even things I'm lying that i was depressed before (which from her knowing that for majority of our relationship I was the cool level headed one, that my sudden change in behaviour could have been from my depression). I tried to win her back and again she never believed me. Had she had just even believed me once and take that step to even come and see I was not lying. We will be together now. So yes the main challenge for you is to allow yourself to trust again
cps Posted March 5, 2013 Posted March 5, 2013 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hi, im a guy too. Maybe trust is the first thing you need to work out with. I really don’t know the love story you’ve had with him. But a man telling you that he wants to be with you is really a tough guy. a man seldom tells what he truly feels unless he wants it for good.. give it a try theres nothing wrong with that.. [/FONT][/sIZE]
Author philosia Posted March 6, 2013 Author Posted March 6, 2013 Pff... this whole thing with the second chance is really hard... sometimes I think if it would have been better just to mind my own business about healing and that's it. I think that my lack of trust that his decision of having me back will last is just something very hard to deter. Something else, I asked him why did he continue to call me and text me when I was very clear that I wanted him to leave me alone. And he told me what we all know about breadcrumbs... that he was selfish, he wanted to know how was I doing, but first of all he wanted to know if I missed him... He was ashamed admitting that, but for me... it hurts, really... He also told me about two girls that he communicated with in this period and went out briefly, no sex, no kisses, and that he stopped suddenly contacting them because he realized that he was thinking about me all the time when he interacted with them... And I just don't like myself when I keep telling him that I'm afraid that he will change his mind, is like I am the one that pours doubt between us, and it's like I am playing with his mind, if I keep telling him that he will start to believe it about himself... I just think that I am complicating my life without need to do that... Why do I do this???
SharkTooth Posted March 7, 2013 Posted March 7, 2013 Yeah. I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time with the doubts, the trust, and the insecurities. I don't know, but in it sounds like time may be the biggest challenge for you. I would think that if you are having these thoughts, there is probably a train wreck coming. You have to get to that place where the good, the fun, the happy thoughts pop in to your mind. Then it's time for the second chance. I guess I'm saying, I wouldn't rush it. I wish you the best
singme2sleep Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Hi, im a guy too. Maybe trust is the first thing you need to work out with. I really don’t know the love story you’ve had with him. But a man telling you that he wants to be with you is really a tough guy. a man seldom tells what he truly feels unless he wants it for good.. give it a try theres nothing wrong with that.. [/FONT][/sIZE] Not to be the downer on this thread...but in regards to what you're saying...my ex must be the sad exception to the rule!
lovelyde Posted March 26, 2013 Posted March 26, 2013 Never give guys a second chance. They are like broken pieces. He already ruined his chance by being an a*shole. You deserve better with a man who'll never reject you. He'll treat you right all the time and won't throw stupidity your way. 1
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Oh for goodness' sake, just knock it on the head. The guy's a selfish jerk. You're going to Canada soon - wouldn't it be better to go there with a serene heart and a blank slate, rather than the fresh and recent bitter memory of a messy and frankly pointless relationship, weighing on your broken heart? God, kick the jerk to the kerb and move on why don't you!?
Flier Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) I have not read your older posts but I will throw a few thoughts in. Is he consistently honest? Is he kind? Does he take responsibility for his actions? Does he have a history of faithfulness? Is he a manipulative guy who twists words and lies? If he is, don't give him a second chance. I gave someone a second chance and ignored the red flags. I posted a list of red flags that I found online. It was helpful for myself as I thought things through the rear view mirror. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/383432-see-your-partner-list-character-disorder-red-flags#post4751237 Edited April 2, 2013 by Flier
TaraMaiden Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Gee Tara, you would be a feisty woman to date. Please trust me when I tell you I'd exhaust you. 1
OwlSoul Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 Not sure whether I'm breaking the rules But I'd really appreciate advises, since I'm not really ready for the situation I am in. Background http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/382801-way-i-decided-do Okie, so I broke the NC yesterday. He was showing some positive signs. It's been like a month since he asked for a space. So I decided to ask him for his decision. He seems to be still not very sure, saying he was waiting for so long to be totally sure he wants to continue. Welp, as I still was standing my ground about knowing the answer (it was not an ultimatum shaped-question), he said he wants to continue. He wants to take it slow though, so do I. So here is the question bothering me: Where to go from this point? How is it better to act in order to make it work? It is a quite strange situation, since it is the dumpee reaching out the dumper and getting some positive reply. There were no real issues in the relationship, apart from the insecurities I started feeling. Probably, there was also an issue which lies upon him being more attractive at the time of the BU, more social and etc.
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