Is this really and truly the end?

[emmalynro]

Misswillow: I'm not exactly a source of constancy right now. I might be over it in a couple hours, or a couple days, or never. But my heart is constantly going up and down. At the moment I'm accusing him of lying to me (which he wasn't) because...I don't know, I want to increase the pain I'm in? I can't handle the notion of someone caring for me that much and also wanting to leave me? I can't even tell left from right anymore? I really don't know. Yes, I plan to talk to him when this is all over, although I'm sure he won't let me. If nothing else I need closure from someone who's well rested, well-fed and sane.

 

In your case I think you should try to meet with your ex---if he hasn't already come back to you. Hopefully he'll have spoken with his daughter by then and they'll have established some new standards. Send a letter only as a last resort.

 

For what it's worth, I'm INSANELY jealous that you have a man who comes back to you. I'm 100% certain the man in my life never will. We adored each other, then he shut me out of his life and became overloaded with grief and self-loathing? I can't stop remembering the first thing he said when we fought about it. I accused him of planning the breakup, and he said "You're right, I asked to be so stressed that I become self-destructive and get rid of things I love." That sticks with me and I don't know why...

[misswillow]

Emma, you can't be sure your ex won't come back to you. I never thought mine would the first time, not in a million years, because he seemed so sure of the decision, but he did come back. He turns into a different person when he does this...very cold and won't talk. He later told me he has to do it this way to get through it. I told him he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So you don't know what your ex is thinking or why he is acting this way, he may be trying to protect himself. Also my ex told me the first time that he had been thinking of breaking up for a long time (I think they usually are), but once he was without me he realized what a mistake it was.

 

Also, you have to stay strong in his eyes for him so he can realize he really lost you. My bf told me that it hit him really hard when I deleted my facebook and closed our joint bank account...that he realized I was moving on and that's when he had to do something to get me back. Unfortunately I think I always took him back far too easily.

 

Don't be jealous that my ex has wanted me back, because it hasn't stuck. Sometimes I think that if I had never taken him back the first time (about a year ago), I'd be better now. Instead I'm going through this all over again. I think for you, you're just going to need to know whether your bf still wants this when his life is back to normal. But you also have to consider whether you want someone who pushes you away when the going gets tough (which I also have to consider, but it's sometimes hard to take your own advice).

 

Hang in there!

[emmalynro]

I'm doing my best to move on, but I feel like I need a sane, thoughtful and rational conversation for closure. Breakups are fine, but how am I supposed to detach completely when he says "I'm exhausted, I'm confused, I'm miserable, I know I'm making a mistake, I could be with you forever, I just need to sleep, I just want sleep, I hate my job, I feel so guilty and devastated over this, even looking at you would make me change my mind, I'm not being rational right now"??

 

I am treating it as The End in my mind. I am not thinking of getting back together (well, not most of the time). I just need a respectful recap of what happened rather than just a bewildering open wound.

[SinceYou'veBeenGone]

He said he had to end it because he cared about me so much---"if I cared less, I would've just kept things going."

 

Has anyone ever been in a situation where you broke up with a significant other even when you both cared deeply about one another?

 

Going through a similar situation. Except he didn't tell me all that your bf told you. You're lucky it was explained well to you. He told me something similar... that he doesn't want to string me along over the next few months. It keeps me wondering if he broke up with me because he does really care or he stopped caring. I wouldn't be so confused if he would just keep in touch with me. I like to think that he does care. But why make the break-up so official... why not just make it a break? I don't get it... Like why didn't your bf just make it a "break" instead of a break up?

[SinceYou'veBeenGone]

He turns into a different person when he does this...very cold and won't talk. He later told me he has to do it this way to get through it.

 

 

This is like my situation except he didn't tell me it's his way of dealing with it. I just see that it is. He has been cold since the breakup and doesn't want to talk and I don't know why. I can't tell if he is this way because he just doesn't care or does care...

[emmalynro]

But why make the break-up so official... why not just make it a break? I don't get it... Like why didn't your bf just make it a "break" instead of a break up?

 

I tried to ask him this, and he replied that he thought we were on a break after the first time we fought (which, to be fair, I thought we sort of were too). Unfortunately, it's very, very hard to break up over the phone with someone who is constantly putting you on hold to answer emergency work calls and who says "I'm so exhausted", "I'm so hungry" and "I need sleep" every other sentence.

 

Everyone is telling me that he's not thinking rationally, that he's so utterly messed up by this assignment that there's no sense in even talking to him til it's over.

 

To be honest, I think I'd prefer "I don't want to string you along" to "I care so much about you and know I'm making a mistake but I hate myself for having hurt you so much and I'm a broken human being who can't stop thinking about you".

[lovnlost]

Emmalynro- In your case I think that is will be best for you to try and stop stewing over the words he gave you.

 

You saw him and he ran away with his tail between his legs like a coward....he did not stand his ground and act like a man to at least say hello. This action alone is a representation of where he stands. And based on your letter above to him I can see that it angered you immensly. When we do not have words to go along with current actions it makes us very confused and disoriented. I never got closure in a responsible way, simply pushed away and ignored.This will leave unresolved issues for the both of us and if you did not get to speak your part, then you too will have unresolved issues regarding him. I know many people say that you should write a letter and not send it. In this case, I would wait until his issue of work is over and then send it. If you are a philosophy major than you will know how to frame the issue properly and and analyze it with logic and in a responsible manner. Try and not show the disdain for him you portrayed above, unless that is the very sentiment you want him to know. In which case....move on. Your ex sounds like he is worse than me with the way he is dealing in life at the moment. You can forgive him for that, or hold it against him. Either way, keep trying to move on and forward with your own healing and not wait for him to act anyway towards you. If you have been following these posts than you know that a clear and new definition of your relationship MUST be outlined in order for a second chance to blossom in a loving and long lasting way. And you will both have to be over the hurt to a large degree. This is no easy task and will take time.

 

I would leave him be for the time being and take his actions as words. This is what I am trying to do with my ex. Acceptance...a very difficult thing to accomplish when your heart feels like it is put in a vice. And yes, time is of consequence. It will take time and energy to get through it. The fact that this happened so soon, 6 months? Within your relationship and he couldnt cope, is a flag to how things may inevitably go in the future. Read Singme2sleep post above about what it would take for him to come back to you. How would he have to prove it? And then outline that for him. There is no easy take back and authentic conversation about ALL major issues must come up and out and compromises must be reached. It will be fantastic if it happened on our own schedule but it doesn't unfortunately. I feel terrible that I was the bad guy that caused all this. I betrayed her first. She was/is single and able to choose what she willed in order to make herself happy in the manner she saw fit. I cannot fault her for that nor can I hold it over her head, though I can guarantee that it will be discussed in detail if/when she has a change of heart and decides to pursue me again. The question is, do our exes have the ability to go through the wait and rebuilding for something more positive or not? Will they come back thinking everything will be as it was it before? The responsible ones know that this cant be so. If they do think so then they are deceiving themselves, letting you down from the beginning of reconciling, and ruining the building of a new foundation for the idea of "we" or "us" as the product that will now withstand time and pressure. In a way, you have think to yourself, is pursuing our ex worth going the distance of marriage? If not, and its just a relationship in our life, than your best moving on to someone better. Is your love for him so great? Write a pros and cons list with this idea and you will discover your own answer. But if so.....

[emmalynro]

The last time we spoke, I said very clearly that I needed time to myself to understand things and heal. I know for a fact he's going to respect that, and he won't say anything to me unless I do first. Remember, the last interaction we had was us crying and holding each other---that is not the kind of thing that's followed with a polite hello the next day.

 

Even as we were breaking up he said he was wracked with guilt, he felt like absolute ****, he already hated himself for letting me down earlier and now he hated himself even more. He thought that this would be the "least painful" solution...I wonder how he feels now?

Edited March 8, 2013 by emmalynro

[SinceYou'veBeenGone]

To be honest, I think I'd prefer "I don't want to string you along" to "I care so much about you and know I'm making a mistake but I hate myself for having hurt you so much and I'm a broken human being who can't stop thinking about you".

 

How come?...

[lovnlost]

I am so happy I found this thread. As you can see, this is my first post, but I've been lurking since this past Saturday, when my bf broke up with me.

 

I'm not sure if I should post my story here, or start a new thread, but this is the only one I've found where it seems the breakups have been between people who both still love each other. My ex and I were together for almost 2.5 years and this is actually the third time he has done this. He's always come back within ten days, completely regretting his decision and realizing how miserable he is without me. Always promising he won't ever do it again, but then he does when he gets overwhelmed with his life.

 

The most recent break, before this one, was about 2 mos ago and he moved out. The main source of our problems have to do with his difficult relationship with his kids and his ex-wife, and the fact that his kids have not warmed up to me the way he had hoped, or I to them. They are 6 and 8 and always want to be with their mom and not him, and this kills him. He's tried everything to make things better, to no avail. His kids and I have not had a bad relationship, just not a very close one, and I recently found out that they really don't like me, or so they say. And I think they also say they don't want me around, although he hasn't come right out and told me.

 

As recently as two weeks ago he was telling me how much he loved me, I'm the love of his life, we will make this work, we are like magnets who cannot stay away from each other even when we try, and I'm the best person he ever met, and most people will never feel love the way we feel it for each other. Last week things really hit the fan between him and his ex at a therapy session about the kids and he broke up with me the next day. At the same time he was dealing with all of this, I was questioning him about what was my relationship with the kids was going to be...I hadn't seen them in a month and I felt like I still needed to be a part of their lives, even in a small way, if things were going to progress. I think he was trying not to hurt me by not telling me they did not want to see me.

 

When he ended it, by phone, he said how I don't want to have to go through this (the battles with the ex over visitation, child support, etc), I deserve better, I am everything and he is such a mess. I told him I loved him and that's what people do for those they love, but I guess he didn't understand that. I ended the call quickly because I was so hurt, I even told him that I wished I had never met him. Later that day, I felt bad and texted him that I was worried about his situation and would still be there if he needed me. I was literally all he had for support...no family, no close friends. He didn't respond to the text. The next day I called because I didn't want the five minute convo to be the end, but he did not pick up and did not call me back. Now it's been four days since then.

 

He even told me last week that if he didn't have kids, we would have no problems. And it's hurtful that his kids must hate me so much, and I don't even understand it. The last time I saw his daughter (who I think is the real problem here), we played for two hours. And I played with her a lot of other times. We never fought, I never disciplined them, although I tried to encourage my bf to discipline them more and instill rules, and I think they resented that. I also think she resents any attention he pays to me instead of her, although she does like it when I give her attention.

 

So I'm doing NC now. Like I said, after about a week of NC in the past, he has always come back. I must sound like an idiot wanting him back after he's done this to me two other times, but I know it doesn't have to do with his feelings for me, but his difficult situation, and his impulsiviity when he becomes overwhelmed. I wish I could make him understand that this situation is rarely easy (i.e., divorce, kids, new relationship), but we can keep trying because we really love each other. I plan to write him a letter in about three weeks to say the things I did not get to say in our last conversation, and explain that I am sorry that I was pressuring him when he was already under so much pressure. I won't beg and plead, but I will tell him that I don't agree that we should be apart, and I don't think he should let his ex and his kids dictate who he is with, but I will accept his decision if that's what he really wants.

 

I know a lot of people may not agree that I should do anything, but those of you in somewhat similar situations...what do you think? I feel like it's something I have to do for my peace of mind, or else I will always wonder.

 

Emmalynro, I think we went through a breakup on the same day. Are you still planning on writing a letter in a few weeks? I saw your most recent post, and it seems like you may be having a change of heart.

 

Lovnlost, it almost seems like you may be a little bit like my ex-bf, although I don't think he would be as introspective and thoughtful as you in thinking about these things. I sure hope that he has the change of heart that you had, but maybe it won't happen for a third time. If I were your ex, I would have been thrilled, but I can imagine she also is afraid that you will change your mind again and she will be hurt all over. I worry about that too, each time it happens. But yet it doesn't seem to be enough to discourage me from trying again.

 

Singme2sleep...a lot of what you say really hits me, I have many of the same feelings. He was my "person" and I am lost without him...I really believe he must feel the same. Sometimes it's comforting to know that there are others out there going through something similar, although I hate to think of others being as miserable as I am right now.

 

Kids bring such an interesting dynamic in relationships. Especially when they dont like us. This may be a point of his ex telling the kids false things about you and him because she is hurt or has betrayed feelings. You have to examine his break up with her in more detail. When did it happen, how soon you entered a relationship with him after it did? How long did he take to introduce you to his kids? These clues will give you incite as to how the relationship may have been going to work from the beginning. If had unresolved issues with the ex and kids then he may have never let that go completely. And if he is going to counseling over it with her, then it does not sound as though they are over things. You will have to know exactly what is happening here and I would need more information to go on before I can assess the situation further.

 

As far as him leaving you 3 times.....Misswillow.....get away from this guy. Completely away from him. He does not know how to handle things at the moment and is torn so over his kids and issues that he is obviously having a difficult time in coping with a relationship. You do not want this guy back and there are people out there that will tell you, and more importantly SHOW you by actions, what you are worth without breaking 3 times to do it. This pattern is not normal nor is it acceptable. I know it is not what you want to hear. Nobody wants to hear "move on" or there are others out there....and I try to avoid saying it as I hate it as well....but this case I have to say that it is worth examining in full detail.

 

Disciplining his daughter....ask for permission to should things rectify themselves. Never let a kid or anothers child walk all over you or tell you how its going to be. Take the chance to correct them easily and harder when necessary. We learn respect from an early age, and as we age from youth we understand eventually, that it is because we care for them and want to see them prosper. And the fact that they are not your kids is a plus....you do not have to be a part of all that if you so choose. Understand though that if you do, the road will be long and hard. Not just for you and the children, but for you and your ex. As I have suggested to others.....make a pros and cons list of facts or reasons you want to stay together AND why you dont. Yes you will have some of those as well. And then address your feelings with each one of those concepts and what you are willing to do, or actually want to do, to make things work right. How old are you both and how long have you been together? This will be factor as well. Time and history plays a big part. Hang in there. Will discuss more later.

[emmalynro]

Because "I don't want to string you along" is a fair and understandable reason to end a relationship. Then you can just nod your head, cry for a little bit and then move on.

 

A bunch of weepy, insane and contradictory babble about how he has to leave you but knows he's making a mistake and also having a mental breakdown that makes him get rid of what he loves is...well, it makes healing and moving on far harder.

[misswillow]

Kids bring such an interesting dynamic in relationships. Especially when they dont like us. This may be a point of his ex telling the kids false things about you and him because she is hurt or has betrayed feelings. You have to examine his break up with her in more detail. When did it happen, how soon you entered a relationship with him after it did? How long did he take to introduce you to his kids? These clues will give you incite as to how the relationship may have been going to work from the beginning. If had unresolved issues with the ex and kids then he may have never let that go completely. And if he is going to counseling over it with her, then it does not sound as though they are over things. You will have to know exactly what is happening here and I would need more information to go on before I can assess the situation further.

 

As far as him leaving you 3 times.....Misswillow.....get away from this guy. Completely away from him. He does not know how to handle things at the moment and is torn so over his kids and issues that he is obviously having a difficult time in coping with a relationship. You do not want this guy back and there are people out there that will tell you, and more importantly SHOW you by actions, what you are worth without breaking 3 times to do it. This pattern is not normal nor is it acceptable. I know it is not what you want to hear. Nobody wants to hear "move on" or there are others out there....and I try to avoid saying it as I hate it as well....but this case I have to say that it is worth examining in full detail.

 

Disciplining his daughter....ask for permission to should things rectify themselves. Never let a kid or anothers child walk all over you or tell you how its going to be. Take the chance to correct them easily and harder when necessary. We learn respect from an early age, and as we age from youth we understand eventually, that it is because we care for them and want to see them prosper. And the fact that they are not your kids is a plus....you do not have to be a part of all that if you so choose. Understand though that if you do, the road will be long and hard. Not just for you and the children, but for you and your ex. As I have suggested to others.....make a pros and cons list of facts or reasons you want to stay together AND why you dont. Yes you will have some of those as well. And then address your feelings with each one of those concepts and what you are willing to do, or actually want to do, to make things work right. How old are you both and how long have you been together? This will be factor as well. Time and history plays a big part. Hang in there. Will discuss more later.

 

lovnlost, thank you for responding to my post. I know I sound like such a crazy person even wanting him back, I'm almost too embarrassed to admit it after he has done this to me three times. I guess I feel like it's always been because of his turmoil over his kids, and his idea that he is just going to "be a dad"...rather than any issues he has with me (other than that his kids don't like me!). But I am really hoping that over some time it will sink in that I don't need this in my life. We'll see how NC goes with that.

 

As far as your questions, he left his ex-wife about three years ago, and we started dating about six months after that. I met the kids after three months, and then we moved in together after six months. I now believe that was a big mistake, as he had not yet developed a good relationship with them as a single dad. He moved out a couple of months ago and we decided that we needed to back things up with the kids...he needed to spend more time with just them and incorporate me in slowly, like we should have done more of in the beginning. However, I had not seen the kids once since he moved out and was starting to question why. I realize now that it's probably because they didn't want to see me, his ex didn't want them to see me, or both. It's funny, because the last time I saw his daughter we had a great time together, and she even told him that later. They have all started going to counseling together to help with his daughter's issues with not wanting to go over to see him. But the last session was just him and the ex and apparently all hell broke loose. The next morning he ended it with me. (also, I started another thread where I explain it all in a little more detail)

 

Also, we are both 41 and have been together for 2.5 years. Not too long after we started dating I learned that I couldn't have kids, which I'm sure also affected my relationship with his kids (I felt like he wanted me to just instantly love them and be like a second mom, and it wasn't working like that). I've never been married and I felt like I finally found the guy. That's part of my problem now...knowing I'm getting older and feeling that I won't ever meet anyone else that I'll love this way and just click with.

 

Tomorrow I am going to make the list you suggest. I know there are reasons I don't want to be with him, I guess I need to start reminding myself of them. Thank you for your honest words, I know deep down you're right.

[singme2sleep]

What I meant about backing up his actions.....If he was doing something other than what he is doing now, or based on what he told you his reasons for breaking up were, than I would say he is full of it. For example....if he was out partying and hanging out with friends now rather than working on himself and moving forward for him and his daughter. But I am sure that is difficult to ascertain because you are in NC and crippled your fb account. I had to block her to stop myself from checking her page because I was weak. Especially when she posted a pic of her kissing his cheek. She has posted several things that I felt were pointed at hurting me. So I blocked so I dont look and she cant peer into my life either. That and the actions completely honors her decisions. I dumped her family as well. What did he post on FB that got you upset? If he responded to you it about this, and that is the only contact he has made to you, then I suspect he cares about what you think of him and what he is doing. Try not to over think things as I do lol. It gets me in trouble.

 

Pride.....men and women's downfall in and out of relationships. Our greatest sin. It is empowering and defeating in the end because we always fail. If you believe him to be genuine then he will probably come around and with his words of love to you, he may just need time to get over himself and stop feeling bad for his actions. I am sure he does. Most do at some point and this is certain if is a mature individual. He could be waiting to get right with himself and feel fully confident again in order to engage you again in a relationship. If you promised each other that you will always be there for one another, then that may very well be true. But its that damn "time" variable that always gets to us. It cannot be overcome by our own will alone. We must couple with it and learn how it can change us. This is part of gaining wisdom in life, especially if you are believer in God. Time, love and patience. I know its hard to accept, believe me I do, but here we are coping and learning with time. So it has its benefits.

 

"Maybe I did unintentionally smother him sometimes. Like when I kept insisting he talk about his problems, even if he didn't want to. But I was just trying to be a good and supportive girlfriend"

 

DO NOT be hard on yourself for this. Insisting one talk of their problems is a great sign of love I believe. I have had to do it with all of my exes as I seem to be with people who bottle up their emotions more often than not which does not help the relationship at times. However, some people just need more time to process I think. I would LOVE to be with someone who actively chose to discuss their problems, big or small, frequently. It shows trust, maturity and growth. I have always said that I want to be with someone who challenges me to be the best I can be in life. Gentle prodding in this category of communication, I think, is healthy. IMO I believe you were being supportive and a good girlfriend for doing so. So many don't. My ex, while she may not have been able to help me solve all my dilemas, was at least willing to listen to me and be a sounding board at times. We would help each other work through things together. And this is positive. Did he rely on you to help him resolve things as well? Like open discussion for the best outcomes? This is valuable and special to find in someone. I suspect if you truly thought you were smothering him frequently, then you would have seen specific signs like pulling away or getting very agitated at little things. I did with my ex towards the end, and that is only because she lacked the wisdom to help me resolve things. The problems were my own, and I was a fool in not realizing that her simply being there for me was beautiful. As he progresses now, and is as mature as you say he is, then he will come around at some point I believe.

 

"Do you ever do that now, think back on good things she said and feel worse?"

 

yes I do. It is common as we remember. We can choose to remember the good or the bad, and I choose to remember the good because I think that each relationship has its place in our life's journey. Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all? No chance....think of the joy in life we would have missed if this is the case. God is love and love is God and this He wants us to know and understand in order to understand his plan for us. Do not feel bad about not going to church every Sunday. I began going with my ex again and she loved it. Now she doesn't go at all which makes me sad. As long as you have faith, pray, and believe in His promises....then your prayer and reliance on him is your church worship. We go to celebrate and learn, not to feel guilt, because remember, He set us free from such. I have been actively praying for forgiveness from Him for my pride and my bad parts in our relationship and also for her to forgive me. This only has to be done once, but because the waves of hurt are so frequent, I find myself doing it often. When we are suffering and hurt, this is what also brings us closer to God and He will show us a better plan and way, as well as give us peace for our troubles. Trust in that. And fate is planned by His will, not humans, although it sure makes us feel special when we hear it. I want you to know, that I am reconnecting as well, and the path is difficult when while so troubled. The enemy wants us to feel bad and blame ourselves....it spreads fear. And you know how bad that can be.

 

My ex smothered me but thats because she loved me so much.....I asked her politely many times to give me room....even asked for a break for a couple weeks before I broke up so I could sort things out. She said no, that it was the same as breaking up to her. It happened in her last relationship and it failed. Because of her ex, not her. I am not that guy and I told her that. She was fearful and that is understandable. The more I pulled away, the closer she drew near because she thought she was losing me despite me reassurances. In the end...I did not hold up to my reassurances.

 

A week before our break up I was doing the same thing....telling her I love her....we said it to each other....though I didnt discuss marriage much with her. She wanted to spend her life with me. I was worried....I realized in my letter about my commitment issues. I have been on my own since I was a teenager so I have had to rely on myself for the most part and continued to do so in my relationships. I said 'I" instead of we to frequently. In my letter I examined this and told her about my break through and wanted to commit to her without this concept in our way. I redefined our intimacy, offered her transparency, told her she helped me show my daughter what a loving relationship is. Its imperative that my kid sees the language of love between me and another for obvious reasons. Essentially I told her I wanted to date her again and take things slow. That I wanted the slow burn....a spark to kindle a small flame that will grow into something wonderful with time. I got no response to this.

 

As far as her family goes? It is more her immediate family, her mom she is taking after at the moment, that does not support me. The rest of her family loves me and wanted us back together. Thought we were going to marry as well. Her mother has had horrible relationships her whole life and that behavior now is precisely what she is resembling. When hurt, you hurt back, stonewall and ignore for control, and compartmentalize and suppress feelings. She hated this side of her mom, though I guess when down and out resort to what you know.

 

For my part, the letter, showing up to her house to apologize and thanking her I felt would have cleared the air. How was I to know her new bf was going to be there when I did this. But I didn't let her throw up a wall or speak her peace. Only asked her to listen. I heard later that she was livid that I did this....but again....how could I have known. It doesn't matter now.

 

She wrote me once about fighting for each other and gave me a quote regarding it. I gave her the same quote back because I understand the value of fighting for the one you love fully now and would not give up. I know exactly what you mean with that quote. But sometimes fighting as you say is with inaction. I am praying for your healing!

 

I really have no idea what he's upto, and I'm kind of glad. As much as I am slightly curious, I feel like anything he writes will make me sad. I don't however think he is partying it up and enjoying the single life. His new job requires him to work at night, and before our split he told me he was going to try to work 5-6 days a week if he could so he would be able to get caught up on child support and pay to fix his car. But I do hope he is doing things to feel better about himself. I have been off facebook since feb 13th so I wonder if he has noticed...

 

It's insensitive of your ex to post a pic of her kissing the new guy, and I don't even know her but it's obvious that she did that to hurt you. If she's still in the anger stage, she def needs more time to sort out her feelings. What my ex posted was not really a formal status. Are you familiar with Spotify? If not, its a music app, and he has it set to that in the right hand corner of the home screen above the chat list, it will pop up "he is listening to ***" and that night I happened to notice it suddenly said he was listening to 2 Taylor Swift songs. (FYI he hates Taylor Swift and I love her) so I found it odd that he would be listening to her music. The songs were "I knew you were trouble" and "We are never ever getting back together". Naturally I freaked a little and thought he was trying to send me some kind of cryptic message. Since he hadn't called me back from the week before I was hesitant to text him but it would have driven me crazy wondering about the songs. That's when I grabbed my phone and said this in a text "Ok I assumed you were ignoring me because you needed time alone, but what's with the suggestive Taylor Swift songs on facebook? I never did anything to you!" And he answered back like 2 minutes later "lol I listen to spotify radio at work and it plays random songs. I hate her. And I haven't been ignoring you, just working a lot and sleeping". So I let it go after that. Do you think I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions? I guess sometimes I tend to overreact. I'm also the poster child for over-analyzing lol.

 

You are right about time, but it's hard to be patient especially when you don't know what the outcome will be. I'm going to keep praying though and asking for clarity. Yeah his actions and words a week before the breakup are why I'm so confused. It's like I still wake up in the morning and think "did that really happen?" I miss waking up to texts from him, he was always so sweet and would make me laugh. I miss him! Do you think he misses me? Has the 'numbness' period worn off? It's been 5 weeks of NC and idk about him but its killing me!! I keep thinking about all the things he said, like how attached to me he was, and how he wasn't going anywhere...breaks my heart now.

 

I agree with you, its important to be in a relationship where you can talk about things openly. When me and my ex first started dating, we promised to always be honest with each other about what we were thinking and feeling. Like your ex, I knew I couldn't fix everything in his life for him, but I just wanted to support him. Because to me, just having someone there to hold your hand through bad times, means everything. Even if they can't solve the problem, support is important. He used to always ask me for advice, and what he should do. I tried to be optimistic and helpful as much as I could. As for him coming back eventually, I really hope you are right. I'm just afraid to give myself false hope, but there's a big part of me that keeps saying this isn't the end.

 

Yesterday was a tough day for me, I wanted so bad to be able to see his face, touch him. Do you ever have those days? Where you feel like you're gonna go crazy because they aren't there? We developed such a bond that as time goes by I'm getting worse not better.

 

Church is important, but I don't think you need to ask God's forgiveness. But perhaps you need to forgive yourself. You broke things off for what you felt were the right reasons at the time, we can't go back and change the past. You were doing what was best for you, and her, even if she doesn't see it. I don't think your situation is hopeless either, like I said she may just need more time to sort out her feelings. Hang in there.

 

It's really commendable that you took the time to evaluate yourself and your relationship, and redefine you and her. She should appreciate that and just because she hasn't said it, doesn't mean she was indifferent to it. She was mad that you showed up at her house to apologize and talk in person?? I would be overjoyed if my ex did that! Maybe she was just upset because you caught her off guard. As females, sometimes our actions don't even make sense to us.

[singme2sleep]

My ex does not understand fully the dynamics of relationships that we are discussing here I do not think. In fact I believe it is rare that BOTH in a relationship do. Usually it is just one. But that is partly what holds us to one another as we compliment each other in different ways. Probably the same as your ex wouldnt. They do not look for healing in the same way it seems. You may be right in your ideas about my ex. She may need to experience life with someone else to cope and see what else is out there. Forgiveness will be paramount for her. Although she expressed such to me in the month after when trying to get me back already. It was only after I came back that she decided to be angry with me. Odd how that changed so fast. Pride? Pain? Her mothers influence? Who knows...but there it is. She did not get the whole give me space and time concept. I wish I came to my senses then....however I would not have come up with what I did in my letter which I think are invaluable to us moving forward together with a greater love and understanding. For a month I kept trying to meet with her and give her space, and she said ok every week. But then hardened her heart to me the more she saw this other guy. I guess the new was better than reopening the old.

 

She told me similarly that I was her source of happiness. She relied on that SO much that I think it was somewhat dangerous. Doing so put me on a pedestal that I did not live up to I think. Expectations perhaps that I could not fulfill. And I had unfair expectations at the end as well. This idea can do so much harm if not addressed. Awareness is difficult when we are blinded by love I think.

 

I thought my actions were proper in trying to get her back. My actions fully backed up my words in my letter. Thank you for the vote of confidence in doing things right now. I needed to hear that. I do think she is trying to hurt me some. I mentioned that to her once but she brushed it off.....however she did not go into further detail as to why she was doing what she was doing. Again, lack of communication and she held, and still does hold the keys. I hope I proved to her what your conveying about what you want your ex to do for you in ensuring he wont leave again.

 

"I once told him that he was the only thing in my life that made me happy. I said it as a compliment, not realizing until much later that it was like putting extra weight on his already tired shoulders. If I stop and put myself in his shoes, I can see why he felt overwhelmed because I can't expect him to be the sole source of happiness in my life, anymore than I can be for him."

 

This is an outstanding revelation! I felt overwhelmed as well. But do not be too hard on yourself for this. We are learning. I hope she cherishes the letter I gave her and reflects on it again one day. Communication...it is so important....and if he chooses to not do this with you when it gets tough again, and it will, then perhaps you will have to think what is best for you in the long run. And he may not be a apart of that future. Not trying to be mean...but it is something I am thinking about for myself as well. You have your act together and are sure of your feelings for the most part....I know it may not seem like it at times as I KNOW the feelings are up and down. But you are not sounding desperate or foolhardy. You too, I believe, are doing it right. Be strong.....and pray. Goodnight.

 

Lovnlost-

 

Your ex could be feeling very confused. I know since my breakup I have been asking everyone for advice, my parents, friends etc. And sometimes its hard to know what to do once you hear other people's opinions. But at the end of the day, she has to listen to her heart because only it has the answers.

 

Thank you for saying that I don't sound like I'm being desperate or foolish. I'm trying to hold onto some dignity otherwise he will never come back. It's just hard when all you want to do is make everything right again, be back in the relationship and back in their arms!

 

I think you are doing everything right in regards to your ex, she will have to do some soul searching. But if she has told you in the past that she loves you and wants to spend her life with you...well that is a big deal. I for one wouldn't say stuff like that if I didn't mean it. You stay strong too! Goodnight

[singme2sleep]

misswillow-

 

I'm glad you have found our thread helpful, I think all of us are basically in the same miserable boat. I understand your dilemma, it's so hard when you really love someone. My ex has only left once, but I can def see myself in your shoes. Our hearts don't really understand logic, only love. After you've fallen for somebody, all you know is how you feel and the rest doesn't always make sense. My advice to you is, give him time. NC is crappy but I truly believe it makes the dumper regret leaving. However, if he does want to come back, maybe tread lightly. Tell him you want to discuss your feelings and how his leaving has affected you.

 

If you think sending the letter will make you feel better, then do it. Even after a breakup, both people have every right to say what's on their minds. And it's doubly hard being apart when they are your "person" because not being able to tell them trivial things that happen in your daily life is a bitter pill to swallow. So I really commiserate with you there.

 

emma-

 

You are feeling a lot of anger today, and I don't blame you. He's def a coward for running away from you at work. Is he the kind of person who avoids confrontation? Maybe he just isn't ready to talk yet, I know that's very frustrating. Honestly though, I don't think he hates you.

 

And I know what you mean about "don't want to string you along" versus "I love you but..." its very painful and unfair when someone says that because it leaves you in limbo. But if he never wanted to be with you again, I doubt he would have said he loves you.

Edited March 8, 2013 by singme2sleep

[emmalynro]

SM2S: It is going to be several weeks before we talk. Thankfully, my feelings today have demonstrated that I'm in no shape to talk either! I've been keeping a journal in three parts: how I feel each day, questions for him and myself, and things I want to say when/if we do meet. Watching the swings in tone from one entry to the next makes it clear that I'm absolutely not ready yet. All I'd ask today would be "Did you always hate me?", "Did you lie when you said you cared about me" and so on.

 

I get it: he broke up with me, it's over. I am working on healing now. But it is so, so hard when he talks about how wonderful you are and how much he wants to be with you WHILE he's breaking it off! And when he says he knows he's mankind a mistake, he knows he's irrational and exhausted and running on pure emotion---?!?!

[singme2sleep]

emma-

 

the journal thing is a good idea. this might seem a little weird, but my therapist suggested that whenever I feel the urge to talk to him, I send an email with my thoughts to a fake account. I know it sounds funny, I thought so too when she brought it up, but I've been doing it for like a week now and it is helping a little.

[lovnlost]

Miss Wilow.....You dont sound crazy....simply love sick which we all do here. So there is no need to apologize for this. I understand.

 

Dating 6 months after his divorce is a delicate timeframe. That short amount of time after so long and so much shared with his wife is hard to just get over in that time frame. He will have been wrestling with many emotions since then. And your right, you are not their mother. However, you are a role model for them. And its important he understands that. Ya know, one thing I never did with my ex was formally invite her to be a part of mine and my daughters life. I wanted her to play a role yes, but I did not properly define that for her so I think she somewhat felt like an outsider to our relationship at the time. Has he ever asked his of you?

 

As far as you not being able to have kids, I am very to sorry to hear this. However I do not believe it. I have seen first hand miracles happen to people who were never suppose to conceive. Have faith and believe if it is something you truly desire.

 

3 BUs in 3.5 years though is alot. And I know your feelings are reeling right now. And you feel the clock is ticking on finding someone. But patience....an idea I am only just now understanding more of in love, is worth pursuing to see what unfolds. If he was keeping his kids from you after being so close and living together, is weird to me. You dont usually pull back like that when already immersed. The issues with the children, are probably from them having unresolved issues with the divorce and understanding their new roles in life. So, they act out. Google this concept and see what you can find. I think it is important to research the dynamics of such relationships. My daughter feels it. She feels, at age 5, she wants to be in control of more than she can handle. She cries when she has to come over to my place sometimes because I dont play with her as much as her mom. She is not nearly as affectionate with me and almost never says she loves me. Its hard, I know she does. But I know this situation with her mom and I is not ideal and it hurts her. It takes alot of time to adjust for children as they dont understand their feelings. Be patient with them as I know you are.

 

NC may very well be the ticket for him to realize his mistake....but it is up to you to figure out if that is what you truly want inside and then face the option of leaving again. Misswillow....you are not someone to be played or toyed with in such a manner. Nobody is. Remember this. Be strong and know yourself without him before you take him back if that happens to him. Reflect on the past and find the patterns. As we age, they are harder to break as we get set in our ways. With so many problems he is having, he may have no idea what he wants at the moment. Time and space....I hate that it comes down to that....but here we are.

[lovnlost]

singme2sleep...

 

Anything our exes say to us at this point will make us sad I think. Unless it what we want to here the most, but even you have said that he will have to prove to you about the certainty of the two of you lasting.

 

I think he will come around after he sorts his head and heart out. As, best you can try and not think about what he is doing. I plague and ruin myself in this way everyday and its aweful because I have seen that pic. And yes, I believe it was insensitive of her to post. Several of her posts have been like that. Its a photo booth pic she took a picture of and posted. Our first month together she did the same thing to her fb page. Those pics of us in the photo booth have been sitting in a frame with my daughter as well next to my bed, the side she slept on, and she saw everyday she woke with me and everyday she went to sleep by me. I think she new exactly what she was doing...and I am angry with her for that....But have let it go as best I can. As I said, I have to let this go and not hold it over her head and make her feel guilty for it all. Besides, by my not addressing is, wouldnt it make her feel more guilty for the way she is doing things? Just a thought, I dont want her to hurt anymore, but occasionally I feel these tinges of frustration.

 

I do not think you over reacted with about the fb thing. I read into things like that as well at times. Its normal. Dont stress it, and like I said, I think he texted back so fast because he does still care. Otherwise he would have ignored you completely.

 

I do think he misses you. Such feelings built over time with someone I think are impossible to avoid. I too miss the morning texts and sayings. The I love yous and hellos. Its very hard to not have that everyday. At night I snuggle up to a pillow before I falls asleep, I dream of having my hand around her, smelling her hair. Kissing her goodnight and saying I love you. Miss putting my arm around her and so much more....so ya...I think he misses that as much as you do. At night, right before bed and the morning when we first wake we are at our weakest and think of them the most. This is when its hardest sometimes.I always wonder if she is thinking of me when she has him arm around her at these times and if she dreams of me the way I do her sometimes. It tears me up inside and is so painful. I have to block such things all the time....all the time. This new kind of pain is unique and I do not know when it will stop. Sorry....got weak there for a second. I dont sleep much at night. Havent even before the break up. Even less now and I workout hard everyday hoping to feel extra tired. Today I biked 12 miles to and from school, I ran 6 miles, and then I did a cardio workout in the evening. I study and perform my daily tasks...but God is the only peace I feel from these insecurities.

 

You will know when the numbness wears off when he gets in contact with you again I feel. And then you play your hand. Have it ready. 5 weeks is significant time....but perhaps not enough yet. I know how it feels as my heart is breaking to when I reflect upon it. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

 

I understand about false hope. Despite what you said, I wonder if I wounded her so badly she may not ever come back to me, but continue on her path. We have unresolved issues. When things like that occur, you almost always cross paths again I think. I think you and him might have them too especially since you were unable to communicate your side of things. Mine told me there was nothing more to talk about in a text message and that I should be over her as she was with me and that she met someone. This is hardly closure even if it is the way she chose to communicate such things. She simply pushed me away, time and time again.

 

I think she was mad that I caught her off guard. She said she wished I would have called....and I replied "So you could shine me on again?" I did things my way that time....I was trying to meet her and apologize in person...I chose not to go to her house sooner because I was respected her wishes and space. I thought I did that right. I had no idea it would have backfired the way it did. Now, I hope you are right....that she does need more time and space. But they are probably in a honeymoon phase of their relationship when its fresh and new and feels great. It pisses me off and annoys the hell out of me. And makes me feel....so bad. But there is nothing I can do. I will hang in there as it is all I can do. I appreciate your confidence! Very much so. Thank you.

 

Yesterday was tough for you as the last two days were very bad for me too. I feel you. Stay as strong as you can.

 

Aside from all this, what are some positives you are doing each day to make yourself better and heal other than the writing?

[emmalynro]

He has gotten a total reaming about this from his friends. None of them are on "his side" about it. I don't know if this should make me feel better or what. I'm not talking to them anymore---there were a few with whom I was discussing our problems earlier since we'd gotten closeish but said nothing after the breakup. I was told that he's "kind of messed up by this project", that he's "acting erratic" and that he doesn't really want to break up with me. They suggested I let him finish this, then approach him a week or so after it's over. Like everyone else. But what do they know?

 

Breaking up via phone is cowardly. But breaking up via phone not just because you can't look at me, but because looking at me would --make you change your mind--?!?! And he said he was going to think of this conversation every day for a long time and hate himself for it, that he can't stop thinking about me, that he has such strong feelings so often that they distract him when he needs to be working---does he not understand why that's utterly unfair to say?!

Men, would you ever say those things to someone you were breaking up with?

 

I had too many tears yesterday. Today's goal: no tears. I will spend lots of time on my appearance. I will wear an outfit or clothing I associated with him to reclaim it for myself. I will fix my hair adorably and I will smile. If I see him I will not pay attention to his facial expression. And when I pass a mirror I'll look at and say I-will-be-fine.

 

Let's all be fine today.

[misswillow]

Miss Wilow.....You dont sound crazy....simply love sick which we all do here. So there is no need to apologize for this. I understand.

 

Dating 6 months after his divorce is a delicate timeframe. That short amount of time after so long and so much shared with his wife is hard to just get over in that time frame. He will have been wrestling with many emotions since then. And your right, you are not their mother. However, you are a role model for them. And its important he understands that. Ya know, one thing I never did with my ex was formally invite her to be a part of mine and my daughters life. I wanted her to play a role yes, but I did not properly define that for her so I think she somewhat felt like an outsider to our relationship at the time. Has he ever asked his of you?

 

As far as you not being able to have kids, I am very to sorry to hear this. However I do not believe it. I have seen first hand miracles happen to people who were never suppose to conceive. Have faith and believe if it is something you truly desire.

 

3 BUs in 3.5 years though is alot. And I know your feelings are reeling right now. And you feel the clock is ticking on finding someone. But patience....an idea I am only just now understanding more of in love, is worth pursuing to see what unfolds. If he was keeping his kids from you after being so close and living together, is weird to me. You dont usually pull back like that when already immersed. The issues with the children, are probably from them having unresolved issues with the divorce and understanding their new roles in life. So, they act out. Google this concept and see what you can find. I think it is important to research the dynamics of such relationships. My daughter feels it. She feels, at age 5, she wants to be in control of more than she can handle. She cries when she has to come over to my place sometimes because I dont play with her as much as her mom. She is not nearly as affectionate with me and almost never says she loves me. Its hard, I know she does. But I know this situation with her mom and I is not ideal and it hurts her. It takes alot of time to adjust for children as they dont understand their feelings. Be patient with them as I know you are.

 

NC may very well be the ticket for him to realize his mistake....but it is up to you to figure out if that is what you truly want inside and then face the option of leaving again. Misswillow....you are not someone to be played or toyed with in such a manner. Nobody is. Remember this. Be strong and know yourself without him before you take him back if that happens to him. Reflect on the past and find the patterns. As we age, they are harder to break as we get set in our ways. With so many problems he is having, he may have no idea what he wants at the moment. Time and space....I hate that it comes down to that....but here we are.

 

That's interesting that you feel like you never really formally invited your ex to be a part of your and your daughter's life. How do you think you would have done it differently looking back? My ex pretty much wanted me to be so involved with their lives, he would even say they were my kids too (which I would rebel against, because it just wasn't true and was putting too much pressure on me). I did not do a lot of things he wanted me to do with them, partly from not wanting to hurt his ex (she would always be at their soccer games, so I would not go), and partly because I just felt like an outsider around them. And I think that disappointed my ex greatly.

 

Your daughter seems to have a lot of the feelings and reactions around your situation as my ex's kids. How long have her mom and you been apart? I see that you have more understanding that this is a natural reaction by kids, though....my ex just takes it all so personally and he feels like he is a complete failure as a father.

 

May I ask you how old you and your ex are? You seem to have a very mature and realistic outlook on everything. Could it be that your ex just isn't as mature or not able to really see things as clearly at the moment because she still feels hurt by what happened? How long were you two together?

 

Oh, and today I woke up very angry at my ex for everything he has put me through, and the fact that he has not even apologized!! I was not perfect either, but I really tried to make this work and support him through everything. I'm reconsidering writing him a letter, although I will have to contact him at some point about some financial stuff. That can wait for now though. I just have to let a few more weeks go by and see if I can get some clarity.

[lovnlost]

Its alot of pressure on you from your stand point with his kids. Sometimes I think that people are so ready to commit to the person and they love they feel for them they do no realize how big taking on someone else children can be. It is always difficult. However, I think if there is enough love, it can be done. Takes understanding and huge desire to take on anothers children.

 

I think my ex felt an outsider at times. And you have to include yourself as an insider and go to those games I think. Be a part of their lives all around if you want to show full support. The ex is not something you can help very much other than be cordial and understanding. But, its tricky, I understand your reservations about it.

 

I have been separated from my daughters mother for about 3 years now. And like with us and healing, and new situations, for kids, it also takes time, understanding, patience and communication. I understand his feelings as a failure in fatherhood. But our kids have their own personalities and are their own people with opinions and thoughts. We can only assist them so much....they are so smart, strong and fragile. But, they will also determine things for themselves and he must realize he cannot WILL them believe of act as he wants them to no matter how much he wishes it. Its an acceptance thing that is very hard to overcome.

 

People are going to think I am weird for putting this much devotion to my ex because she is 23 and I am 34. That is a big age gap I know. And thats why I think emotional maturity is an issue. However, she is incredibly mature and we have both been through a very difficult childhood that we are able to relate and understand one another to a large degree. Her relationship woes are given much from her mother and what she has witnessed in her family. Myself included. You know the saying "a product of one's own environment?" I think that has some truth and we have to work extra hard to move past such things. I am doing my best! I cannot help the way I feel and the love I have for her. It is real. I know people will often say she is too young, doesnt understand yada yada.... I am the first man to have ever left her. She is used to being in control. I am her first true love. We were going to marry at one point I think. These notions are KEY I think in our current situation, though I do not know to what extent. Perhaps someone else can elaborate what else she may be feeling because of this. The reason I did not entertain the marriage idea as much as she did is because I was not sure she understood what that concept of marriage really was. I thought maybe she was in love with the idea of it more than understood what it actually took. But then again, maybe I did not either. Having never engaged her in such talk though, I may never know. She was definately smarter in relationships than the women my own age I have dated. And that says alot. I doubted her, I wish I didnt. I should have trusted her instincts more. I think love can overcome age with no hassles. I know plenty of happy couples with large age gaps. If we were older, it wouldnt matter. But because she is in her young 20's, people think that makes ALL the difference, when in reality, it is only a part. Please feel free to tell me your opinion on this. I think it also explains her actions to some degree. But not entirely.

 

Singme2sleep....I would like to hear your views on my above statements as well and how that factors in.

 

I hope you get the clarity you are looking for. Hang in there.

[lovnlost]

Lovnlost-

 

Your ex could be feeling very confused. I know since my breakup I have been asking everyone for advice, my parents, friends etc. And sometimes its hard to know what to do once you hear other people's opinions. But at the end of the day, she has to listen to her heart because only it has the answers.

 

Thank you for saying that I don't sound like I'm being desperate or foolish. I'm trying to hold onto some dignity otherwise he will never come back. It's just hard when all you want to do is make everything right again, be back in the relationship and back in their arms!

 

I think you are doing everything right in regards to your ex, she will have to do some soul searching. But if she has told you in the past that she loves you and wants to spend her life with you...well that is a big deal. I for one wouldn't say stuff like that if I didn't mean it. You stay strong too! Goodnight

 

 

When I first engaged her for reconciliation, she said in texts to me "I cant do this." I am so confused" Several times. Then she said she has to do what is best for herself once. Then the anger came. Entering into a new relationship with her ex boyfriends older brother, I dont think she has shown she is any less confused. I believe she just decided that it was easier to push me away entirely rather than open up to me and accept our love. There was still anger from her. She was still hurt and it began to show more and more. She tried to tell me there was nothing more to say in her "I am over you" text. Since then I have found out from her family that she has been contradicting herself with regards to what she told me, justifying her current actions. According to one very close to her, she knows she made a mistake but is letting this new relationship play out anyway....so strange that people allow such things to occur. It is my view that this guy saw a vulnerable attractive girl and played to it. Hence only 3 weeks of dating before relationship started. And her anger and frustration forced her to move quickly. I should have given her more room maybe. I dont know. Took me 3 months to earn her trust trust and love. And I ruined that with my actions. She has also known him for some time though never really had contact for years. So, knowing him, I think made it easier....having a history ya know. This guy and his brother hate each other and have never moved past that. He cant drive so she drives him everywhere. So again, forcing it I think and it gives her a sense of control which she wants to feel again. I have to stop typing about this right now. It is ruining my peace and making me feel terrible. If you have more questions I would be happy to answer.....I know these are new dynamics to consider. Read what I wrote Misswillow as well about our age and the like. I am sure that will make a difference. Thank you again for the support and advice.

[misswillow]

lovnlost, I felt a little bad asking you lots of questions about your ex and your situation, as I didn't want you to have to start thinking about things that maybe you have started to put behind you a bit. So I hope that I didn't do that. I'd like to respond to you in more detail about your situation, which I will do tonight (I'm at work now and will probably get fired if I spend any more time on this site!).

[lovnlost]

Im not offended or weakend. Just hard sometimes. I cant listen tk country music at the moment.though lol. She gor me into it and I really enjoy it now. So.of course the whole concept gets to me. Please ask away. Its good I open and explore some this dynamic as well. It will help me understand more and.help.others in the future.