Is this really and truly the end?

[emmalynro]

My wonderful boyfriend ended things today. He has been on a very significant project that's had him working 18-hour days and 30-plus hour weekends (note: he's a semi-coworker so it's not like I'm just taking his word for it, I know what he's been doing). He hasn't had a day off in over 3 weeks. His project was supposed to end Thursday, but he received notice that he had to take a 2-week extension.

 

Anyway, why did he end it? He has been increasingly losing his mind. He told me he was so stressed and exhausted he was acting out, becoming self-destructive and getting rid of what he loved. We've struggled over the past two weeks with his insane hours, but he finally snapped and told me he couldn't stand it anymore. He said he is overwhelmed with guilt at his not being there for me, at how he couldn't help me out when I needed it (I needed a ride to the hospital that he was originally going to give me). He said he had to end it because he cared about me so much---"if I cared less, I would've just kept things going." And he said he adores me, that I'm amazing and that could be with me forever.

 

He tells me he's exhausted, he's confused, he's miserable and he hasn't slept. He hasn't gotten more than 4-6 hours of sleep in weeks. He says his heart is breaking, that he's exhausted and confused and he knows he's not making a good decision. But he can't tolerate how much he's hurt me. He says that he's scared that he would act this way to someone he thought he loved, and that it represents something seriously wrong with his life and priorities. I've tried to explain that he hasn't really been hurting me, that he needs to trust me and let me in, but he says he can't forgive himself for what he's done. He says every time he sees me at work he's distracted for at least an hour because he feels so strongly. He says it's incredibly painful and that he feels horrible. And he told me he wanted me to move on and to not wait for him because he's an awful person who's never getting better.

 

We exchanged our belongings today. We held each other and cried as we said goodbye.

 

His friends have said he doesn't want to break up with me, that I just need to wait for the end of this project. I recognize that this is less about the project and more about how he manages extreme stress, but I don't want to give up. Do you think there's any hope for this relationship after the project is over?

 

 

 

 

Has anyone ever been in a situation where you broke up with a significant other even when you both cared deeply about one another?

[TigerCub]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. That must be heartbreaking.

 

I'm going through something similar right now and it is breaking my heart.

 

Stay strong.

 

I'm betting that he will come back and want to talk things out when he's done his project and he's not as stressed and he thinks clearly. Then it will be up to you to decide if you want to work it out.

 

**HUGS**

[singme2sleep]

My situation is pretty similar and I know how you're feeling. My guy broke it off because he was feeling overwhelmed and depressed and needed to figure himself out. He had so many set backs in the span of a few months and I guess breaking up with me was the only thing he had control over. His exact words were that his "life is really screwed up" and he "doesn't want to drag me down because its not fair" to me. This is the same person who said I was The One and constantly called me his Mrs. For the first time in my life I truly and deeply fell in love and now he's gone and it hurts like hell.

 

Idk what's going to happen with any of us on this site, but it sounds like you may have some hope of reconciliation. I certainly can't predict the future, but I believe that when 2 people love each other, they find a way to be together eventually, even if they have to jump a few hurdles along the way.

Edited March 3, 2013 by singme2sleep

[emmalynro]

My situation is pretty similar and I know how you're feeling. My guy broke it off because he was feeling overwhelmed and depressed and needed to figure himself out. He had so many set backs in the span of a few months and I guess breaking up with me was the only thing he had control over. His exact words were that his "life is really screwed up" and he "doesn't want to drag me down because its not fair" to me. This is the same person who said I was The One and constantly called me his Mrs. For the first time in my life I truly and deeply fell in love and now he's gone and it hurts like hell.

 

Idk what's going to happen with any of us on this site, but it sounds like you may have some hope of reconciliation. I certainly can't predict the future, but I believe that when 2 people love each other, they find a way to be together eventually, even if they have to jump a few hurdles along the way.

 

Wow, it does sound kind of similar. I feel like I would be OK with this breakup if he'd said "this isn't working, let's quit", but instead he did a 180 from Best Boyfriend Ever to You've Got To Leave Me. Hearing about how much he cares for me and how he can't even stand to look at me made it so much worse. I've never seen him cry before; watching him cry over me was beyond heartbreaking.

 

I know the most I can do right now is focus on healing, then see if I want to contact him in three weeks or so. I'm not going to try this conversation when I know he's suffering this way.

[lovnlost]

I am a guy who broke up with with my girl for precisely the same reasons! I have been under severe stress for 4-5 months. In the summer I had 4 jobs, full time school, parent, house to manage, and finances to deal with. As the fall term wore on it got harder and harder even though I dropped two jobs but I was doing my senior seminar courses and it got worse. I internalized everything, pushed everyone away including her and then just kinda snapped. I knew I still loved her even while I was doing it....I felt like I was on the outside looking and watching myself sabatoge myself and hurting her. I was her first and truest love and we were had talked of marriage. For 3-4 weeks she chased me but I was so numb.

 

After about 5-6 weeks a series of positive events happened and I just like.....woke up. I could breath and I could remember who I had been....then what I had done and why. It was a horrible feeling.

 

I went back to her to try and explain and apologize. And she kept saying she would meet with me. Then putting me off. Gave her a week to think and then she would put me off. THis happened for almost a month until I wrote her a letter and redefined something incredible for us, a new definition of a our relationship that would bring us closer together. I apologized in person, told her what she meant to me, and thanked her for making me a better man in many ways.

 

That was the day she started a new relationship with what I find out is a guy that is kind of loser. Either way, she chose to be with someone else to get over her hurt and pain as it was easier than opening up and allowing things to heal between us. I really do not know for sure. I do not understand what goes through the mind of a rebounder. Eitherway she went from loving me to mad at me and she began to spite me, lie, and push her new relationship in my face on FB. I blocked her and dumped her family and our friends now. Its been 3 weeks and its been a serious struggle.

 

If your guy is anything like I was, I stated my reason was that I was not giving her 100% attention and that bothered me so much. I said she deserved better right now. I take it back every day if I could. Anyway, be patient....DONT go off and see someone else if your hurt. Just tell him you support him. My ex said she would wait for me....but apparently that didnt happen. After the project he will have time to think and realize what is going on and I say this because I am him in this instance. My situation backfired though. Be strong for yourself now though and give him space....mine didnt and it made me more numb to her. I think you have a great chance. You have the most similar story to me I have met thus far.....I wish I understood mine more so I can figure out what she was thinking. She not acting like the women I knew and loved.

[emmalynro]

I am a guy who broke up with with my girl for precisely the same reasons! I have been under severe stress for 4-5 months. In the summer I had 4 jobs, full time school, parent, house to manage, and finances to deal with. As the fall term wore on it got harder and harder even though I dropped two jobs but I was doing my senior seminar courses and it got worse. I internalized everything, pushed everyone away including her and then just kinda snapped. I knew I still loved her even while I was doing it....I felt like I was on the outside looking and watching myself sabatoge myself and hurting her. I was her first and truest love and we were had talked of marriage. For 3-4 weeks she chased me but I was so numb.

 

After about 5-6 weeks a series of positive events happened and I just like.....woke up. I could breath and I could remember who I had been....then what I had done and why. It was a horrible feeling.

 

I went back to her to try and explain and apologize. And she kept saying she would meet with me. Then putting me off. Gave her a week to think and then she would put me off. THis happened for almost a month until I wrote her a letter and redefined something incredible for us, a new definition of a our relationship that would bring us closer together. I apologized in person, told her what she meant to me, and thanked her for making me a better man in many ways.

 

That was the day she started a new relationship with what I find out is a guy that is kind of loser. Either way, she chose to be with someone else to get over her hurt and pain as it was easier than opening up and allowing things to heal between us. I really do not know for sure. I do not understand what goes through the mind of a rebounder. Eitherway she went from loving me to mad at me and she began to spite me, lie, and push her new relationship in my face on FB. I blocked her and dumped her family and our friends now. Its been 3 weeks and its been a serious struggle.

 

If your guy is anything like I was, I stated my reason was that I was not giving her 100% attention and that bothered me so much. I said she deserved better right now. I take it back every day if I could. Anyway, be patient....DONT go off and see someone else if your hurt. Just tell him you support him. My ex said she would wait for me....but apparently that didnt happen. After the project he will have time to think and realize what is going on and I say this because I am him in this instance. My situation backfired though. Be strong for yourself now though and give him space....mine didnt and it made me more numb to her. I think you have a great chance. You have the most similar story to me I have met thus far.....I wish I understood mine more so I can figure out what she was thinking. She not acting like the women I knew and loved.

 

I'm so sorry to hear this. If it makes you feel better, I'm not going off to see anyone---I need at LEAST three weeks to start healing, and my plan at the moment is to reach out to him at the 3-4 week mark. If he doesn't want to reconcile, that's OK, but I will need the closure from him in a reasonable, attentive state.

 

My fear is that we've hurt each other so much that we could never reconcile. I've realized I do love him dearly, but seeing him this way now makes me think he'll never forgive himself for this. It's scary.

 

I wish you the best in your ongoing journey!

[singme2sleep]

emma- I think you need to go NC for a little bit, give him some space. If he really loves you then he will be back once things calm down for him. How long were you together?

 

Lovnlost- So sorry to hear about your situation too, it sucks. I never get why some people rebound quickly, for me finding someone else is the last thing on my mind. And I don't understand why people do that anyway, like a new person is going to replace their ex?! No way! Maybe it will not last with her "new guy" and she will realize what she had with you doesn't compare...

 

I wish the best for both of you!

[emmalynro]

We were under the 6-month mark but close, and extremely serious (we'd introduced family, spent holidays together, discussed the long term, talked about seeing ourselves married to each other, etc). I do think he cares for me, but I think the guilt he feels could overwhelm him. He's already told me he's completely devastated by what he's done.

 

I told him goodbye and that I needed to spend some time healing. Unfortunately, due to work issues we're going to have to have some professional interactions over the next two weeks, but I wouldn't contact him otherwise. I feel terrible knowing he's in such anguish, but it breaks my heart that he won't even let me in...

[singme2sleep]

I know what you mean, it hurts when the person you love pushes you away and shuts you out. Before we broke up, I always was there for him when he needed it and when he said he had to walk away I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me be there to support him. I thought that with all the bad things going on, I was the positive aspect in his life. When we first started dating he said he wanted to be "my rock" and that I could lend on him no matter what. But in the end he wouldn't let me be his. I guess it's a guy thing, like it makes them feel less of a person if they can't handle problems on their own. It is just so sad because we had a good relationship otherwise and I used to look at him and feel "at home".

[lovnlost]

Thank you for the sentiment you two....I dont understand rebounds either other than that her mother and sister are a negative support system for her and have done the same thing their whole life to maintain control. I thought she snapped out of that with me....but when hurt I guess you go back to what you know. I hope she does realize it....cause she has always hated what they do to cope in life's relationships.

 

Emma- Time, space, and more importantly understanding is key here. Give him no contact and let him realize what he has done and try and be proffesional in your work tasks with him without discussing anything. Keep your eyes open though and look for clues as to what he doing, feeling etc. If he is taking it this serious, then these are also signs to be concerned over. For the HEALTH of your relationship if and when it pans out I suggest taking notes or keeping a journal while this is occurring. Write down other things that concern you and then as you meet up again to reconcile begin to discuss such things that you can work on. It will help you both come closer together and be a testament of love to you both. That you want to succeed with him. I did this to my ex but it was too late....I still believe in the idea. To often we start things anew with nor real direction as to where we just came from. Writing it down will help give you the differences that must be addressed. Its just a thought....you dont have to. Writing also helps you vent and deal with pain....my greatest poems and writings of love come from these experiences....when it is genuine and real....not remembering back.

[lovnlost]

I know what you mean, it hurts when the person you love pushes you away and shuts you out. Before we broke up, I always was there for him when he needed it and when he said he had to walk away I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me be there to support him. I thought that with all the bad things going on, I was the positive aspect in his life. When we first started dating he said he wanted to be "my rock" and that I could lend on him no matter what. But in the end he wouldn't let me be his. I guess it's a guy thing, like it makes them feel less of a person if they can't handle problems on their own. It is just so sad because we had a good relationship otherwise and I used to look at him and feel "at home".

 

Man...I am in the right spot today....I identify with the both of you as I seem to be the BF both of you are describing. I didnt realize she was my rock as well until after. She had always called me hers though I do not believe she knew how to express it fully. She was my one positive aspect along with my daughter....but again I realize this to late. She told me the "at home" talk as well.....I felt the same.

 

 

Can the three of us meet for coffee and discussion? I think we could learn alot from each other. You can both hate on me as I represent your exes and perhaps you can help me understand more about women's feelings post break up that are in love. This may have some effect on her actions....I was her first GREAT love and the first man to ever leave her. She lost all control for the first time. I am sure this dynamic is huge! Though I do not understand fully.

[singme2sleep]

Lovnlost-Our situations are really similar. And my ex has a son, just like you have a daughter lol. Maybe you can give me some insight into what he might be thinking, and as a female, I could try to tell you what she might be thinking. You said she tried to reach out to you after you broke up with her, but you didn't respond because you were still numb? I tried to talk to him but he is pretty silent right now, and I'm 6 weeks post-breakup. How long we're you apart when she tried to contact you?

[lovnlost]

Lovnlost-Our situations are really similar. And my ex has a son, just like you have a daughter lol. Maybe you can give me some insight into what he might be thinking, and as a female, I could try to tell you what she might be thinking. You said she tried to reach out to you after you broke up with her, but you didn't respond because you were still numb? I tried to talk to him but he is pretty silent right now, and I'm 6 weeks post-breakup. How long we're you apart when she tried to contact you?

 

She tried almost everyday to say something. Even I cried after this. I knew I still loved her. I still said I missed her, loved her on occasion. I had been stonewalled after a break up before and it was the hardest thing ever...I wouldnt do the same to her. If she would have left me alone for a bit...I probably would have come to senses sooner. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? I gave her two solid reasons for break up rather than a host of her issues I could have put on her...but those things were just lame issues that everyone has that I got over. One as I said was I was not giving her 100% and I knew she deserved that. I wasnt wrong. And I hope she still remembers that. The second was because she was not warming to my daughter as fast as or as soon as I would have liked. I needed more of a partner with all I was doing and she wasnt providing in that manner fully. She said she never wanted kids, until she met me either....I should have been more patient. She was never bad to my kiddo. Just not fully giving to her. SHe is 5. How old was you bf son? What were his reasons for leaving you if you do not mind my asking?

[singme2sleep]

His son is a year and a half. He started to be depressed while we were together. He lost his job because of Hurricane Sandy (we live on the east coast) and his house got badly flooded. He had to move back in with his parents, and without a job he fell behind on his child support. Then what was basically the tip of the ice berg, he got into a car accident on New Year's Day and it was deemed his fault. Then he found out his policy had lapsed and technically he wasn't even covered by insurance at the time. So he really became down on himself and not having a car (it was badly damaged and he didn't have the money to fix it) really made him depressed. He got sick one weekend and after being stuck in bed for a few days, he tells me he loves me but he is overwhelmed and can't give me and our relationship the attention it deserves right now. I was blindsided and still kind of in shock. He would rather push me away and deal with his problems alone, then have me there by his side. It's so hurtful to me that he can throw away our love, we were serious about each other and had even discussed marriage in the past. Now I don't know what to think.

 

And yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope it does for him, but I'm not sure if I should hold out hope or keep trying to tell myself it's really over?!

[lovnlost]

His son is a year and a half. He started to be depressed while we were together. He lost his job because of Hurricane Sandy (we live on the east coast) and his house got badly flooded. He had to move back in with his parents, and without a job he fell behind on his child support. Then what was basically the tip of the ice berg, he got into a car accident on New Year's Day and it was deemed his fault. Then he found out his policy had lapsed and technically he wasn't even covered by insurance at the time. So he really became down on himself and not having a car (it was badly damaged and he didn't have the money to fix it) really made him depressed. He got sick one weekend and after being stuck in bed for a few days, he tells me he loves me but he is overwhelmed and can't give me and our relationship the attention it deserves right now. I was blindsided and still kind of in shock. He would rather push me away and deal with his problems alone, then have me there by his side. It's so hurtful to me that he can throw away our love, we were serious about each other and had even discussed marriage in the past. Now I don't know what to think.

 

And yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I hope it does for him, but I'm not sure if I should hold out hope or keep trying to tell myself it's really over?!

 

 

I have taken the time to read all your posts regarding this. First I want to say that you seem like a very mature woman and are handling things very I well. I have come off on here as arrogant at times, angry, hurt, and lost. You seem to have your head on straight. Dont lose that as it is your meal ticket.

 

Like him I was VERY overwhelmed with everything. And having a kid makes it harder. Are you there for his kid and support the child a lot? Like actually wanting to be a positive role model to him? If so...kudos. He cannot fault you there and that is a very strong positive for you.

 

Many men are head strong and when the going gets tough we tend to rely on our logic and smarts more than our emotions. I let both cloud me and get in the way of how I truly felt. He may be doing the same. Perhaps he thought as I did, that you couldnt really help him out of this and even more so, that it wasnt your responsibility to do so. This was his mess to clean up. What I overlooked was the incredible strength it takes to have a woman who can stand by her man in incredibly difficult circumstances and that is a wonderful way of showing your love for one another. But, I wasnt thinking that way. I was prideful and succumbed to this sin. SO I pushed away instead of pulled her closer to support me. He may be having the same reaction. It gets so difficult at times. Someone said to me that in our relationships those that love us the most will be able to love us even when they see us at our best and worst. I loved my girl even at her worst. At my worst she still loved me, even if she didnt know how to show the proper way to support me. I did not communicate or try. Perhaps ask him how you can be supportive of him while this is occurring and see what his reaction is? Not sure how this will go if NC is in effect though. What kind of things have you communicated to him since the BU? How have you reacted towards him? THis I do not believe you said.

 

My ex has a problem dealing with serious emotions, so when confronted with us reconciling again and the hurt and loss that she was feeling about it. She found it easier to push me away, eventually never meeting me as she promised rather than face those emotions head on. Her past with her parents and sister have shown this behavior to necessary when dealing with such things. It is hard to overcome so many years of such influence. DO You know if he has had something similar in his family life, like a stern hard working dad that would have given him the idea to cope the way he currently is when the chips are down?

 

One thing that has helped is writing and praying on such things. Through this I was able to identify many faults of my own within the relationship and hers that also led to my breaking up with her. THings I did not tell her, but held back because I saw no reason to hurt her further. THey were things that were trivial though and not worth bringing up. How has he acted when stressed previously in your relationship? These will be warning signs of the future and if so, its worth being aware of to address should he come back.

 

you mentioned before that you "have both hurt each other so much." What happened here? This post BU issues? what happened? How did you react after he broke up and what is he currently doing now that you can tell? Things gotten better for him? Become more easy?

 

How old are the two of you if you dont mind my asking?

 

And yes....sometimes it is a guy a thing to react this way as I have done so as well. I didnt give her enough time or a chance to see how she would pull through for my daughter and I when things got hard. I realize this and have faulted her for it. I stopped providing authentic communication to her and throughout our relationship I always tried to talk with her when things got tough. I didnt this time....I was selfish. Its pour way for me to wake up to faults. I do not know if she will get over this rebound and realize that I am indeed worth giving another chance to. She could be done for good. Once I betrayed her trust....that could be it. I do not know. Its a big issue for her, though she betrayed mine many a times in our relationship. Like going through my fb, and phone a couple times without my knowledege. But I saw that crap as worthless and moved on from it. Forgave her. She could not apparently move on from my mistake, though it was a big one. So, its hard for me to fault her. I feel she betrayed our love and didnt give it enough time to get right with herself. She wanted a bandaid to cover it all up as this is what she learned growing up. It is what it is and I cannot ever hold it over her head. We are both hurt.

[emmalynro]

I found his hat in my closet. I suppose I'll drop it by his office. This is murdering me. If he said he didn't care for me this would be OK, but knowing that he's devastated and overcome by self-loathing makes everything so much worse.

[marklarsson]

My situation is pretty similar and I know how you're feeling. My guy broke it off because he was feeling overwhelmed and depressed and needed to figure himself out. He had so many set backs in the span of a few months and I guess breaking up with me was the only thing he had control over. His exact words were that his "life is really screwed up" and he "doesn't want to drag me down because its not fair" to me. This is the same person who said I was The One and constantly called me his Mrs. For the first time in my life I truly and deeply fell in love and now he's gone and it hurts like hell.

 

Idk what's going to happen with any of us on this site, but it sounds like you may have some hope of reconciliation. I certainly can't predict the future, but I believe that when 2 people love each other, they find a way to be together eventually, even if they have to jump a few hurdles along the way.

 

this is ironic because when i was depressed i wanted my ex to be around, i released how i was pushing her away prior to the break up but once i figured out it was because i was depressed. i wanted her to be around like how i had been there for her. but rather guess what she did, she broke it off and when i tried to win her back and make a mends for things she treated me like crap.

 

catch22

[marklarsson]

I am a guy who broke up with with my girl for precisely the same reasons! I have been under severe stress for 4-5 months. In the summer I had 4 jobs, full time school, parent, house to manage, and finances to deal with. As the fall term wore on it got harder and harder even though I dropped two jobs but I was doing my senior seminar courses and it got worse. I internalized everything, pushed everyone away including her and then just kinda snapped. I knew I still loved her even while I was doing it....I felt like I was on the outside looking and watching myself sabatoge myself and hurting her. I was her first and truest love and we were had talked of marriage. For 3-4 weeks she chased me but I was so numb.

 

After about 5-6 weeks a series of positive events happened and I just like.....woke up. I could breath and I could remember who I had been....then what I had done and why. It was a horrible feeling.

 

I went back to her to try and explain and apologize. And she kept saying she would meet with me. Then putting me off. Gave her a week to think and then she would put me off. THis happened for almost a month until I wrote her a letter and redefined something incredible for us, a new definition of a our relationship that would bring us closer together. I apologized in person, told her what she meant to me, and thanked her for making me a better man in many ways.

 

That was the day she started a new relationship with what I find out is a guy that is kind of loser. Either way, she chose to be with someone else to get over her hurt and pain as it was easier than opening up and allowing things to heal between us. I really do not know for sure. I do not understand what goes through the mind of a rebounder. Eitherway she went from loving me to mad at me and she began to spite me, lie, and push her new relationship in my face on FB. I blocked her and dumped her family and our friends now. Its been 3 weeks and its been a serious struggle.

 

If your guy is anything like I was, I stated my reason was that I was not giving her 100% attention and that bothered me so much. I said she deserved better right now. I take it back every day if I could. Anyway, be patient....DONT go off and see someone else if your hurt. Just tell him you support him. My ex said she would wait for me....but apparently that didnt happen. After the project he will have time to think and realize what is going on and I say this because I am him in this instance. My situation backfired though. Be strong for yourself now though and give him space....mine didnt and it made me more numb to her. I think you have a great chance. You have the most similar story to me I have met thus far.....I wish I understood mine more so I can figure out what she was thinking. She not acting like the women I knew and loved.

 

similar thing happened to me. i was completely depressed. i said to break up over something silly. i explain everything to her, but then she said to break up over other things that had nothing to do with me saying to break up. but just 2-3 weeks later she starting seeing someone else. see if it was any other ex i would not have cared but i have helped her through so much and a similar situation to what i was going though. i did everything to make a mends for a situation that was out of my control.

 

so sometimes its down to the dumpee really

[AlexfromBoston]

It sounds like he was just overwhelmed and perhaps had a meltdown as a result of all the stress. The best thing you can do is be supportive and give him some space. Just hang in there hun, as the smoke clears he will be back.

[Debbie2508]

Great thread! I could never understand why my ex would push me away when he had problems with his children, at work etc. I was the one person always on his side and there for him, yet he'd shut me out. I think, having read all the posts here, that it was a coping mechanism and one thing he felt he had control over . At work he has to make quick decisions and stink to them, and I'm worried that's what he's done with us. Now he's made that decision, he's completely shut me out of his life.He did the same with his parents, 11 years ago, when they forced him to choose between them and his former wife. When we were together, I encouraged him to make contact with them and, although I could tell he was tempted, he said that that part of his life was over and he had to move on.

 

Our problems stemmed from his teenage children refusing to have a relationship with him, while he was with me. He tried everything to change their minds, texting every day etc, but they wouldn't move an inch. He then tried to do his "blocking them out" technique , but that didn't work for too long. It was ok while everything was good between us and at work, but as soon as a problem appeared, he would start getting depressed about them again.

 

He's incredibly self disciplined, and as I said before, once he makes his mind up about something major, he generally sticks with it, rather than admit he may have made a mistake, or face possible rejection should he want to back track.

This is my dilemma.... if I stay NC, I'm worried he'll just assume I'm coping without him. I should mention that I have spoken to him twice, each time he's said he's moved on and can't look back now,and how painful it is to speak to me. I'm sure everyone will say I should let go and he's obviously not regretting his decision...... but I'm just not convinced.

 

Anyway, thanks again for starting this thread, it's been really interesting to read all your posts .

[emmalynro]

It sounds like he was just overwhelmed and perhaps had a meltdown as a result of all the stress. The best thing you can do is be supportive and give him some space. Just hang in there hun, as the smoke clears he will be back.

 

I'm hoping this is the case. This is what his friends tell me, anyway. He just said so many contradictory things (don't wait for me, I don't want to string you along vs. I couldn't break up with you if I saw you, I know I'm making a mistake) that I don't even know what to think. It all hurt so badly.

 

I'd never seen him cry before. It was horrible.

[marklarsson]

Great thread! I could never understand why my ex would push me away when he had problems with his children, at work etc. I was the one person always on his side and there for him, yet he'd shut me out. I think, having read all the posts here, that it was a coping mechanism and one thing he felt he had control over . At work he has to make quick decisions and stink to them, and I'm worried that's what he's done with us. Now he's made that decision, he's completely shut me out of his life.He did the same with his parents, 11 years ago, when they forced him to choose between them and his former wife. When we were together, I encouraged him to make contact with them and, although I could tell he was tempted, he said that that part of his life was over and he had to move on.

 

Our problems stemmed from his teenage children refusing to have a relationship with him, while he was with me. He tried everything to change their minds, texting every day etc, but they wouldn't move an inch. He then tried to do his "blocking them out" technique , but that didn't work for too long. It was ok while everything was good between us and at work, but as soon as a problem appeared, he would start getting depressed about them again.

 

He's incredibly self disciplined, and as I said before, once he makes his mind up about something major, he generally sticks with it, rather than admit he may have made a mistake, or face possible rejection should he want to back track.

This is my dilemma.... if I stay NC, I'm worried he'll just assume I'm coping without him. I should mention that I have spoken to him twice, each time he's said he's moved on and can't look back now,and how painful it is to speak to me. I'm sure everyone will say I should let go and he's obviously not regretting his decision...... but I'm just not convinced.

 

Anyway, thanks again for starting this thread, it's been really interesting to read all your posts .

 

i cat see my ex admitting to me that she had made a mistake and as you said face possible rejection. but then again they say true love prevails if she really loves me that much she should not feel any type of way about this

[Skipper888]

Same thing is happening to me as we speak.

 

Four weeks ago my gf breaks up with me out of the blue. She is so depressed and unhapy with her life. Works in a remote area (a mine) and gives everything to her job 6 days a week 12 hour days. She says that i make her so happy but she doesnt know what she wants anymore. She was sick of getting depressed when i left to go home etc and it just took her toll. She said she needed time and space to sort her mind out yet we will text and talk like nothing has happened and says she misses me and i miss her like crazy. Just yeah a ****ty situation.

 

Ive tried to move on but i cant. I only want to be with one person and only want to talk to one person and killing me inside. I try and go NC but doesnt work everything reminds me of her and she is the same.

[emmalynro]

I just finished meeting with my therapist, a very no-nonsense woman who I knew would give me the right advice whether I wanted to hear it or not. And...she said to wait! She said I should write a letter expressing my feelings while also focusing on his need to forgive himself and not be ashamed, and either mail it to him or talk in person at the end of all this. She doesn't think it's fully "over" either and she believes we can get past this.

 

I will spend these next few weeks healing and focusing on myself, but I feel better knowing a licensed professional thinks there's still hope for us! I was expecting her to say "sorry, that's life"!

[lovnlost]

It just amazes me the power of the emotions we all feel when things get like this. Its so defeating and worrisome. Makes us heartsick and lonely. What does life have be so unfair?

 

You know one thing I can honestly say.....of the few women that have broken up with me each one was different than the previous one and each new one was better than the last one. So....as we experience these hurts and pains in life I want you to know that we do improve and even get wiser as long as we dont so stupid things. My ex went into a rebound relationship after being in deep love with me and wanting to marry me and have my child. SHe never wanted any of those things and because I waited to come back to her until I got some things figured out, to long for her, she decided to shack up with another guy. Took me 3 months of courting to earn her affection and trust. This guy got it in 3 weeks. WTF? People do crazy s--- and I dont know what to do about that or them when they do. So....if you think you care....even in the slightest....dont go burning bridges just to avoid being lonely. Besides what you learn about yourself in the process will be invaluable to you down the road.

 

On this note....if you do love them and you see a REAL opportunity for reconciliation then be patient. To often we, or I, try to make things happen on our own schedule which is fast and sudden because it hurts right now! But the slow burn is where we learn the most about ourselfs and the quality of relationship we want to be in. Aside from my relationship I am dealing with very serious issues of another kind and began going to church again. A few weeks ago I prayed with this little old lady who was just wonderful. I broke down in tears in front of her I was so hurt and crushed. I told her about my heart ache and what has happened and much of a fool I was for being so clouded that I let such a wonderful woman walk out of my life the way I did. She began to tell me that God sees my heart and knows. That His answer, and mine to you (hers) is the same. Loving patience. Let me say that again.....patient love. They are interchangeable but both one in the same. This woman proceeded to tell me how she lost her husband who had parkinsons and then later passed away from cancer. I cannot, for one moment, imagine her pain or grief or what she had to go through. But she was standing before me with the most radiant glow of a mature woman that I have seen in years. She held my hands and I cried and cried. And she proceeded to tell me of loving patience.

 

I dont know if this helps anyone but I reflect on it often as the word patience has been the one word that has come up most frequently when I talk of my ex or think on her. I think about this woman and what others have said. And for some reason I want to say that it is an answer for me. I dont know if its one that God will answer for me in the way I want, that MY EX is to come back to me. Or if there is someone else for me. I know that my head and heart are suffering hugely for it and I keep wanting to believe so bad.....but I know that it is not going to happen on my schedule. She has issues to sort out first and that will take some time. I have forgiven her for all I can and am trying to do the same for myself. Dont blame yourselves if you can help it, and if you do, dont beat yourselves up. Forgive yourself for your part as well so that you can be clear about reconciling should the situation present itself. These are simply some things I am learning along the way and seem to be important concepts but I do not have a grasp of them fully yet. I hope they are able to help someone.

 

In the last 7 days since I blocked my ex on FB and unfreinded all her family I have been approached my her sister in a message that was out of the blue, I saw her sisters daughter and ex husband and he talked with me about things, and then today I saw one of my exes best friends and she made it a point to come up and talk to me. I cannot explain these occurances. Can anyone else? Someone told me to watch out for this. Once people start realizing in a strange way that I am no longer part of their dynamics they will try to pull me back in (her family in this case). And these weird instances within one week time are flat out......strange. Anyone got anything on this for me lol?