Why wont he marry me???

[Mr. Lucky]

Also, he knows you want this really bad, but still holds back? That is a big red flag- you should be everything to him, and holding back says to me that there is a big part of him that he doesnot want to give to you- sorry to be blunt, although BTDT:o

So the OP should stand up for what she believes in but her partner should compromise because the OP "wants this really bad" ???

 

Even with her browbeating him into the ring, he's been consistent in his actions. He doesn't want to get married. The next step is - and has been all along - up to the OP...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tbf]

So the OP should stand up for what she believes in but her partner should compromise because the OP "wants this really bad" ???

 

Even with her browbeating him into the ring, he's been consistent in his actions. He doesn't want to get married. The next step is - and has been all along - up to the OP...

 

Mr. Lucky

Perhaps you should hold the guy to the same bar as the OP. If he doesn't want to get married, he should have told her eight years ago and onwards. Why drag this on and on, pulling her deeper?

[Mr. Lucky]

Perhaps you should hold the guy to the same bar as the OP. If he doesn't want to get married, he should have told her eight years ago and onwards. Why drag this on and on, pulling her deeper?

 

Either partner has the ability to leave if the relationship isn't meeting their needs. With their current status of together/not married, I'd guess that his needs are being met. She can and should make a similar evaluation. And he's not the one posting. If she's invested 8 years in trying to get a point that most people arrive at in 12-18 months, that's on her...

 

Mr. Lucky

Edited April 4, 2013 by Mr. Lucky

[tbf]

Either partner has the ability to leave if the relationship isn't meeting their needs. With their current status of together/not married, I'd guess that his needs are being met. She can and should make a similar evaluation. And he's not the one posting. If she's invested 8 years in trying to get a point that most people arrive at in 12-18 months, that's on her...

 

Mr. Lucky

If he's unhappy with her nagging, shouldn't he leave?

[WhoreyBull]

I'm going to make a book with the title of this thread.

It'll just be 300 pages of "He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to..."

[Mr. Lucky]

If he's unhappy with her nagging, shouldn't he leave?

That would be up to him. Based on his continued presence after 8 years and seeming satisfaction with the status quo, draw your own conclusion.

 

I was trying to respond to the OP's question, to which the answer seems to be:

 

"He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to..."

 

Mr. Lucky

[samsungxoxo]

I hope the OP has now dumped her bf and is on her way of finding a man that wants marriage too. It shouldn't take 8 years to know if he wants to marry her or not.

 

I still stand my ground. I see no point in moving in with a bf. Most of the times, this is what ends up happening: more women giving their heart, energy, effort, time, dedication, life, etc for nothing but an ''I love you but you're just another woman that can be replaced easily and I don't think you're the one''.

Edited April 11, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[LovelyLife]

Only I was 6 years in and it ended when I was 31.

 

If I could go back to 1998 - I would have left the relationship at that time and taken a job I was offered abroad. Just to go and do something fabulous.

 

 

I'm doing the timeline here - and it appears that you are 26 - right?

 

If you want to be married - this is not your guy. It's ONLY things. It's ONLY a house. Trust me - you can get out of that. You CAN get out of this relationship.

 

But do it sooner rather than later.

 

After the 6 year relationship -- I had 3 men ask me to marry them. These three lead to break ups - because I was honest and knew it was not the right man. It was 'uncomfortable' at the beginning - if that makes sense?

 

But then at 36 - I met my now husband. With him - it was easy. Everything. To incude getting engaged 14 months after we met. And it was a heart felt proposal. Really heart felt. And then he was on me to pick a date and a venue.

 

Him. He was. The Man. Not because he wanted to be involved in details of I do - but because he wanted to stand in front of our friends and family and share the excitement of a solid partnership and love with the world.

 

Because it mattered to HIM. Without prodding from me. Without begging, or questions or ANY anxiety.

 

Honestly (wish there was a hug icon here because I would love to give you one) - If you have to ask or beg or plead . . . please run.

 

Don't worry about what other people will say or think. Not family and certainly not friends. They don't have to BE in the relationship - or deal with the fall out when it falls apart. You do.

 

This life is precious and terminal by nature - don't waste the love you have to give on someone who doesn't realize what a fabulous gift your heart is. Okey dokey?

[Harlequin_Dog]

Can I just say LovelyLife made an amazing post? THAT^^^ Is everything I wish I could articulate, and they just did so perfectly.

 

OP- can we have an update? How are things?

[LovelyLife]

Can I just say LovelyLife made an amazing post? THAT^^^ Is everything I wish I could articulate, and they just did so perfectly.

 

OP- can we have an update? How are things?

 

And yes OP - please update. I was away in Costa Rica on vacay for a week and logged on today because I was hoping you would check in and let us know how you are doing with this.

 

It's suck a god awful lonely situation to be in.

[Silly24]

I hate ultimatums...do what you need to do to be true to yourself. Being alone and single is not that bad. In fact, you might learn more about yourself.

 

I am happy with my life. It took a few years to feel this way.

 

If marriage is in the cards, the man I'm with will let me know and I'll agree and we'll make plans. There will be no ultimatums.

[DayJ]

You are reallly far in, there is no way he will get out of his comfort zone specially after deciding trying for a baby forget it once you are pregnant forget a wedding. You gave him pretty much all the freebies without the official commitment, you pretty much did everything backwards. This is why i never moved in with my husband before marriage, i laid all my cards on the table, we both either want the same things or dont waste my time because we should be on the same page in what we both want at least with marriage.

 

No one should ever force someone to decide to marry you, it should be them to come up one day and say your the one for them and there is no one other person they want to be with but you and here is your ring. There is no forcing someone to marry you specially after pretty much doing everything a "wife" he is already comfortable and does not feel the need to do anything else. Honestly, when a man wants to get marry they just do it and thats it the been afraid of commitment is bull, when they want to do something they do it no ifs and buts. They dont want to marry they dont but when they do trust that they do and they make it count!

[head/heels]

anything new?

[Stellar Wench]

Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Stop giving it away and see how things change.

I'm sorry, it seems like he's taken away your prime opportunity to find someone else who would like to marry you.

[RiverRunning]

OP, you aren't going to like what I have to say. I wish I could tell you that this man will (willingly) marry you and you will be happy together, but I just don't see it.

 

The way I see it, you have a man who doesn't want to get married - but he will go along every step of the way and pretend that he does to keep you placated and to keep you around. What he should have done long ago is tell you, "I'm not sure if I want to get married/I don't see myself ever getting married/ I'm nervous about marriage for x reason."

 

You can sit down with him and try to have a non-confrontational conversation about it, but I'm not sure how much good it will do - especially since this has been a pattern for so long. But you could try saying, "I know I've had this ring for more than a year. I wanted to talk to you because I get the impression you have some reservations about getting married."

 

If he's worried about money - and it's legitimate - that's fair. If he's worried about finishing school and getting a good job - that's fair. But if you're already living together, and if you don't need a big wedding (I could've gotten married for $20), and he knows that, I don't see the reason for the delay. It's not like things are going to change drastically.

 

You know, OP, people rip on the, "Why are you letting your friends make you feel bad?" route. I have yet to see a woman posting on here who wants to get married simply because her friends are or because her friends make her feel bad about herself. In reality, the woman is already not in control of a portion of her life, she wants to get married, and her friends have it or they are twisting the knife in deep about it.

 

Before I was married, I remember how I wanted my now-husband to propose to me. It was very painful every time relatives or friends asked. I think they thought they were being funny or they were helping out. I am sorry you are enduring this, but I think you have your answer: after 8 years, and after nearly 2 years of an 'engagement,' it's just not going to happen.

 

You deserve better.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ironic that the OP and her fiancee seem to be locked into the opposing sides of the same dance. He doesn't want to get married but seems to be afraid to directly state it that way. She wants to get married NOW but is nervous about the potential confrontation involved.

 

Seems like everyone would be better off if they just laid their cards on the table. Plans could be made, lives could move forward and no one would have to do something they're uncomfortable with. OP, it seems pretty simple...

 

Mr. Lucky

[samsungxoxo]

It's clear the guy doesn't want to get married and if you look at the outcome of an average divorce you know why. The question is, why do you want to get married so bad? Why would marriage be better than the current situation? Assuming you're planning to keep the relationship going the fact that in case of a divorce you get the best of it is pretty much irrelevant.

 

I really don't see it. She has to say "boyfriend" instead of "husband". Is that such a big deal? Is it worth throwing an 8 year relationship away over prefering to say a certain word to other people?

It wouldn't be good enough for me. If a man fully trusts me than he would take the plunge and go for it. Just like everyone takes a risk when getting into a relationship, he wouldn't hesitate if he wanted to marry the woman he claims to love greatly.

 

I'm not willing to stay with a man that would only ''halfway'' trust me and unwilling to take the big challenge. Life is about challenges. Take it or leave it.

[Leigh 87]

It's clear the guy doesn't want to get married and if you look at the outcome of an average divorce you know why. The question is, why do you want to get married so bad? Why would marriage be better than the current situation? Assuming you're planning to keep the relationship going the fact that in case of a divorce you get the best of it is pretty much irrelevant.

 

I really don't see it. She has to say "boyfriend" instead of "husband". Is that such a big deal? Is it worth throwing an 8 year relationship away over prefering to say a certain word to other people?

 

 

 

Personally, I want a guy to FEEL so compelled to spend this rest of his life with me, that he wants to have a wedding and show all his family and friends how much he loves me.

 

I understand that some men can love a women without wanting to marry them; and these men simply do not believe in marriage, and will never change for any women. There ARE men like this! They can very well love a women VERY much, JUST as must as a man who wants to marry his partner.

 

It is about your personal choice. For me, I like the fact that at some stage in a loving relationship, the man would surprise you with a proposal.

 

I would not get seriously date a man who says he does not know if he ever wants to get married and is not very open to the idea.

 

I want to get married. I need a man who at least says " it is not something I think about a lot, but yes, it is something I want when I meet the right girl (but he just has not met her yet)"

 

The OP made the mistake of finding a partner who does NOT believe in marriage, or just does not feel strongly enough about this women to marry her.

 

She needs to figure out if her partner is just not into marriage, or if it is HER that he does not love ENOUGH to marry (and he thinks that he COULD see himself marrying)

 

I think if he answers " he can see himself marrying and is not averse to it" than it means he just does not feel strongly enough about the OP to marry her, but WOULD marry the right women.

 

That is just my opinion.

 

My ex said he never really thought about marriage, yet with me he thought it could be lovely if we worked out.

[Pillow]

It's clear the guy doesn't want to get married and if you look at the outcome of an average divorce you know why. The question is, why do you want to get married so bad? Why would marriage be better than the current situation? Assuming you're planning to keep the relationship going the fact that in case of a divorce you get the best of it is pretty much irrelevant.

 

I really don't see it. She has to say "boyfriend" instead of "husband". Is that such a big deal? Is it worth throwing an 8 year relationship away over prefering to say a certain word to other people?

 

 

 

To me, the reason is even more selfish than most of the other kind hearted women responses. I want the big shebang! I want the traditional, all out type of thing. I want to go dress shopping with my friends, I want to pick out ugly bridal gowns, I want to throw a bachelorette party, I want to throw a wedding reception, I want to argue over who I am inviting to the wedding and who I'm not, I want to go on a honeymoon, I want to make up a dance routine at my wedding reception, I want to flood my facebook with photos, I want to consider legally changing my name... Weddings are just soo fun, and have always for me seemed like my second princess-feeling of my life, after my prom! It is all about you, the woman, on the wedding day, a turn of her life. I just don't understand how some women don't want to do it. You get drunk, you spend lots of money, you feel like a princess, you can show off your wedding ring, you can talk about your wedding dress!!!!!!! You'll have pictures 30 years later to show your children.

Edited May 19, 2013 by Pillow

[Deerhunter]

I'll start by saying my wife has ptsd, bipolar and an alcoholic. We married in 87, divorced in 94 and reconcilled that same year. The divorce and reconcilliation was her idea. We both said hurtful things to each other during our divorce.

 

We presented ourselves as husband and wife and we are common law married.

 

18 years later, the kids are grown and gone and we're done. She moved out a couple days after Christmas. Said if I loved her, I would've remarried her. I asked her why she waited til now to tell me and she said what was the use, you told me when we got divorced, you would never marry me again. I also said I would never take you back and you said you would never come back.

 

 

Not really any help in your situation but, sometimes when things are going great, you don't want any change. We've all heard stories about how 2 people were best friends, lovers and living together for many happy years. They get married and end up in divorce court 6 months later. They say marriage ruined them. Why? I don't know.

[SoleMate]

If you have to ask or beg or plead . . . please run.

 

Don't worry about what other people will say or think....They don't have to BE in the relationship...You do.

 

This life is precious and terminal by nature - don't waste the love you have to give on someone who doesn't realize what a fabulous gift your heart is.

Yes. Absolutely.

[JonasB]

It wouldn't be good enough for me. If a man fully trusts me than he would take the plunge and go for it. Just like everyone takes a risk when getting into a relationship, he wouldn't hesitate if he wanted to marry the woman he claims to love greatly.

 

I'm not willing to stay with a man that would only ''halfway'' trust me and unwilling to take the big challenge. Life is about challenges. Take it or leave it.

 

Where's the risk for the female?

[samsungxoxo]

Where's the risk for the female?

He can still change in the marriage and it can go downhill for them, leaving me devastated off course. But since I was willing to risk it just like he did..... that's what counts.

[CarrieT]

Ummmmmm.... the OP hasn't been in this thread for over a month, you guys.

 

You are talking amongst yourselves...

[CarrieT]

Is it a bad thing to just discuss things with other people on a messageboard now?

 

No, but there were/are people heavily invested in asking the OP question and offering advice only a few days ago when clearly they/he/she didn't realize the OP had checked out over a month ago.