Optionally child-free or regrets having kids

[pink_sugar]

How many of you have chosen to be optionally child-free and never regretted it? How many of you do regret it? Anyone have kids and regret it later? It's ok to be honest.

 

I've been married and in a relationship for nearly 7 years and have have different thoughts of having kids throughout my life. There are many reasons I have contemplated having a childless life, but I am sure my mind will change many more times as I am only 23.

[tbf]

Two boys, less than no regrets! They've enriched my life in ways that can only be described like this.

 

Giving things up for the children? No. You not only want to but are compelled to provide without hesitation or resentment. All freely given with love.

[Silly_Girl]

I can see many, many things and experiences (and financial rewards) I missed out on by having my son, but I've never regretted my decision. He has been a beacon in my life and I'm absolutely delighted at how many awesome things we've done from the simple/free fun things like giggling when throwing bread at - I mean to - the ducks, to travelling to Australia, Iceland, and various other places. We've discovered new music together, new comedy, cook together, all sorts. There's something special about spending your time with someone a generation younger; it's energising and freeing. Wouldn't change a thing!

[rainfall]

I am optionally child-free and have no regrets on it. For myself I just couldn't see myself being happy with a kid. I think it would change too many things about my life and I would be held back from being able to do what I want in life.

[Nyla]

No regrets about choosing to be childfree. My husband and I enjoy our freedom and quiet. We are an indulgent aunt and uncle, but we love to give our nieces back.

 

When people say that we will change our minds, I just smile and mention my husband's vasectomy. Shuts them up immediately.

[LoveRaymond]

What a huge (and good) question

 

I have two boys and (aged 7 and 4) and not a single regret. We'e had some tough times and things totally changed in our lives from the off, but if I had a time machine I wouldn't change a single thing.

[veggirl]

I am 29 and obviously female...I could go either way. If I never have kids, I think I will be fine with that. I adore my nieces and could see myself with kids, but if it doesn't happen, that is okay. I'm not hellbent either way.

[CarrieT]

I will be 49 this year and have never wanted kids.

 

I am now in a relationship with a man who has 50% custody (every other week) with three kids: B11, G14, B15.

 

I like that these kids are already old enough to do a lot of adult activities. I am happy I didn't go through the younger years and I still don't regret never birthing babies myself.

[pink_sugar]

Thanks for your inputs everyone! I'm sure I will change my mind many times again as I get older. I am only 23, so I have years ahead of me, but I am glad I have been careful not to have kids yet.

 

I found this link again about the top 100 reasons not to have kids. I thought it was interesting:

 

Childfreedom: The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree)

[sb129]

I found this link again about the top 100 reasons not to have kids. I thought it was interesting:

 

Childfreedom: The Top 100 Reasons Not to Have Kids (and Remain Childfree)

 

I read that list- its pretty negative!

 

The person who wrote it has obviously seen all the bad parts of having children, I found lots of statements that still apply to me despite having a child.

 

For example- I still have an identity, I have meaningful adult relationships, I rarely get sick, I still set my own agenda, I don't actually get irate on a daily basis, my home is still a calm oasis most of the time, I still get to go out and have a good time, my daughter respects our pet, on long drives we get to talk and listen to our own music (because we have a DVD player with wireless headphones for the kids!!), my boss values working mothers because she is one and I hardly ever take time off because of being a parent, I still watch whatever I want on tv (when my daughter is in bed but still!)..........

 

the list goes on.. it IS possible to have children and NOT be burned out, overworked, broke and stressed. Its also possible to retain a social life, friends, identity, privacy and time to yourself.

 

Just bear that in mind before you use that list as your mantra!

[Nyla]

I thought that list was narrowminded and unfair to parents.

 

Just as childfree couples wish to have their decision respected, parents should also receive the same respect for their choice to raise children.

 

After all, even the childfree were children once.

[Silly_Girl]

Maybe it's because I, on the whole, find parenting an effortless, joyful experience but I found that list to be a total joke!

[rainfall]

I thought that list was narrowminded and unfair to parents.

 

.

 

 

I don't think it was. For people who don't want kids alot/everything on this list is a good reason why usually.

 

If someone does want kids, then I would think that nothing on this list would matter to them because they would love their child and it would all be worth it to them.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't think it was. For people who don't want kids alot/everything on this list is a good reason why usually.

 

If someone does want kids, then I would think that nothing on this list would matter to them because they would love their child and it would all be worth it to them.

 

The reason I disagree with the list is that I don't believe lots of them ARE sacrifices required to become a parent.

 

If someone is unsure as to the reality of being a parent and wants to understand in order to make a decision then this list is very misleading.

[Nyla]

Sometimes I think that the childfree rhetoric is too hate filled for my taste.

 

I don't like the snide remarks and nasty terms for parents, like "breeders".

 

I understand that some childfree people are defensive because they have been ridiculed for their choice, but being hateful of decent parents is just as bad.

[rainfall]

The reason I disagree with the list is that I don't believe lots of them ARE sacrifices required to become a parent.

 

If someone is unsure as to the reality of being a parent and wants to understand in order to make a decision then this list is very misleading.

 

 

If you want to be a parent then I agree they aren't sacrifices. I would think your love for your child would be greater and would make anything on this list not important.

 

However for someone who wants to be child free, this list speaks the truth. I would say almost every reason on this list is a reason I decided I don't want kids.

[sb129]

The reason I disagree with the list is that I don't believe lots of them ARE sacrifices required to become a parent.

 

If someone is unsure as to the reality of being a parent and wants to understand in order to make a decision then this list is very misleading.

 

Agreed. My issue with it was that many of the "sacrifices" don't even apply to me. Some do, but even then at this stage of my life it's no problem.

Sure, sometimes being a parent can be hard work, but life itself isn't always smooth sailing whether you are CF or not.

 

If having kids was really as bad as that nobody would do it!!

 

I respect people's choices to be CF, but that list felt very much like its author didn't respect mine to be a parent. It could have been written in a much lighter tone.

[stillafool]

I don't get 'baby fever'. I get 'puppy fever'.

 

Me too! I find puppies totally irresistable.

 

Being childfree, I think everything on that list is true and applies to me. However, I don't understand why anyone would go to the trouble of listing 100 reasons why to or not to have kids.

[sb129]

Me too! I find puppies totally irresistable.

 

Being childfree, I think everything on that list is true and applies to me. However, I don't understand why anyone would go to the trouble of listing 100 reasons why to or not to have kids.

 

Exactly! Its almost a case of the lady doth protest too much.

 

Just live your life for you- make your choices based on your own reasoning, not that of anyone else, and by the same token don't judge others for taking different paths (or assume you know everything about why they have taken said path!)

[Silly_Girl]

If you want to be a parent then I agree they aren't sacrifices. I would think your love for your child would be greater and would make anything on this list not important.

 

However for someone who wants to be child free, this list speaks the truth. I would say almost every reason on this list is a reason I decided I don't want kids.

 

I feel as though you are missing the point. It's inaccurate. There are lots of things on the list that parents DO.

 

Seemingly, non-parents struggle to grasp that.

[liquid_amber]

i'm 40 and i've never wanted kids. i've never regretted my decision to remain child free. i completely lack a motherly instinct, and i've always been uncomfortable around small children. i never had any pressure from family members about having kids because people always notice how uncomfortable i am around them. i can't imagine what my life would be like if i had kids, but i can't help thinking i would be very unhappy because it's not something i ever wanted. i'm happy to have my freedom to do what i want when i want. definitely no regrets.

[Negative Nancy]

I don't have kids, but pretty much had a "near-child-experience" as my parents had another child when I was 18, so that was as close as having a child of my own.

 

Sometimes other people's children annoy me when they are loud and scream for no (apparent) reason and in such moments I am glad not to have children, but I think every parent will agree that it's different with your own flesh and blood.

 

I remember picking up my little brother from kindergarten alot of times, and the memory of how he ran towards me, flew into my arms and threw his small hands around my neck, so happy to see his sister, still warms my heart.

 

Nothing comes close to the unfiltered, genuine happiness and joy a little child showers you with. It's enough to make up for all the hard times children can bring (although my brother is such a well-raised child, I don't remember a single moment of being annoyed by him).

Edited March 3, 2013 by Negative Nancy

[Negative Nancy]

I love this story...

 

Father Forgets

 

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

 

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

 

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye ,Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

 

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your friends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

 

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.

 

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

 

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yard stick of my own years.

 

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

 

It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!"

 

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much, yet given too little of myself. Promise me, as I teach you to have the manners of a man, that you will remind me how to have the loving spirit of a child.

Edited March 3, 2013 by Negative Nancy

[tbf]

If people need to be convinced to have or not to have children, they're trying too hard.

[rainfall]

I feel as though you are missing the point. It's inaccurate. There are lots of things on the list that parents DO.

 

Seemingly, non-parents struggle to grasp that.

 

 

Some parents probably do a lot of things on the list. However there are a lot of things on that list that parents DON'T do. I'm not struggling to grasp anything. I understand that some people can and do a lot of things on this list.

 

However, just even 10% of that list is enough for me to want to remain child free. I am also pretty sure that everything on that list has applied to at least one person at some point and time.