Social Media - Big happy family

[Spark1111]

Ok, explain why this behavior is acceptable as a wife? You know your husband did this and it's ok. You know he must've lied about you and it's ok. ((not you-just from the wifes perspective))

 

okay, It wasn't acceptable as a spouse...but I had much bigger fish to fry and tend to than to empathize with the heartbreak of the OW...no offense meant here.

 

but, I had children sobbing and in need of therapy, family ( his) sobbing to me why I wouldn't take him back, a divorce atty. on retainer calling, and one really f'd up spouse alternately begging to reconcile and or, divorce me every five minutes.

 

I felt her heartbreak, his cowardice, and all of the above, but she was number 6 or 7 on my priority list, and frankly, despite my empathy. I assumed she knew he was married, she signed on for his BS....wanted to believe his BS...and never called me to ascertain the truth.

 

I was ONLY, EVER one phone call away from the truth and she never made it. Not for two years!

 

so, I can only conclude she didn't want the truth, she wasn't READY for the truth, so she never sought it from me!

 

and I should feel bad about.....exactly what?

[Spark1111]

so when I see Ow, like you and many others, maligning the BS, and NEVER having to once tried to establish HER truth, her relationship with that MM, maybe the many ways she tried and failed, the way you STILL diminish and disparage her and NEVER once tried to get to know or understand the woman, who at least one time in her life, LOVED the same man as you Did....

 

yeah, it boggles my mind how you can hate her for HIS actions....but you NEVER ONCE tried to talk with her, get to know her, hear her side of the relationship, seek the TRUTH from her, CALL her....

 

SHE WAS ALWAYS ONE PHONE CALL AWAY.

 

And then continue to HATE her when she goes through Herculean efforts to put humpy-dumpy back together again....with the SAME broken, damaged man YOU both loved, EXCEPT he's the father of her children, the BIL and SIL of her family.

 

So while you are ONE broken heart, please realize she's trying to put together 10, 15 , 20 brokers hearts back together and you may not be a priority on her lst as sad and as angry as that may make you.

[hissunshine]

And this is why you can't move on. You think a man in that position should have been nice to the woman who helped him hurt his family. He put the boundary up quite literally where it should have been all along. I was so relieved he did without knowing I could hear. Had he gIven a skerrick of comfort to her I'd have run straight to my sister and told her everything and I am sure she would have divorced him.

 

You thinking he should give comfort and validation to a co-perpetrator shows you have not moved on at all. You need to.

 

OMG...really? He obviously was nice to her at some point to have had an A with her!!! She couldn't have always been a piece of trash in his mind....

 

I am sorry but yes I can understand how you think OWs hurt BWs that are complete strangers, but the most of the blood lies on the hands of the MM.

[anna121]

It sounds awfully like you still want it from him though. If he divorced her and then contacted you, even if you never trusted him and didn't go back to him- you'd feel great that he must have meant it and that she got her desserts. And those are ugly thoughts about another woman's marriage.

 

I knew you were still blaming her, the malice just jumps off the page.

 

No it doesn't. I read some venting about her, and pain, but no malice.

 

Of course she still wants it from him. She's probably still in love with him.

 

That will fade in time.

[Spark1111]

On this we agree! but as long as she thinks she is the victim, she will never heal, grow and move on!!!!!

 

same for BSs...but I have more empathy for them and grant them a longer timeline because they HAD NO CLUE they were being deceived.

 

At some point, an OW or OM WANT to drink the koolaid. The NEVER call the the BS in the triangle. They need to believe the falsehoods because the truth might actually set them free. They go out of their way to find truths that SUPPORT the BS is a cruel, cold, Brady person. It supports the affair.

 

but the rarely, if EVER, seek out the other side of the story, whether it is gathering I for from the BS, her friends, her family, their mutual friends....

 

I can only CONCLUDE they do not want the truth, because it can be as close as ONE phone call away.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Just because he is showing a public face does not mean you aren't where his heart is.

 

 

this. this is why I can't walk away from my MM. this shred of dumb hope for something. that he is feeling everything he says he's feeling.

[Realist3]

I agree. From what he mentioned since he moved home cars have been purchased travel has happened and life goes on. His words, 'I have too much invested.' . I don't WANT TO hate him. I want to accept the circumstances as they are and that he does love his wife and has a family to raise but, there was love for me. I just need to move on.

 

Perhaps you do need to move on, but what you are witnessing or not things that are out of the norm. They were happening when you were all in and they will continue to happen.

 

I realize you are probably in a different situation, and have different expecations.

 

I have numerous $20k vacations a year as does my MOW, and it hurts to an extent, but it is what it is.

[Spark1111]

this. this is why I can't walk away from my MM. this shred of dumb hope for something. that he is feeling everything he says he's feeling.

 

And do you blame his BS because of his actions?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

And do you blame his BS because of his actions?

 

not at all. he is his own person. he says and does everything because he chooses, too.

[promises]

so when I see Ow, like you and many others, maligning the BS, and NEVER having to once tried to establish HER truth, her relationship with that MM, maybe the many ways she tried and failed, the way you STILL diminish and disparage her and NEVER once tried to get to know or understand the woman, who at least one time in her life, LOVED the same man as you Did....

 

yeah, it boggles my mind how you can hate her for HIS actions....but you NEVER ONCE tried to talk with her, get to know her, hear her side of the relationship, seek the TRUTH from her, CALL her....

 

SHE WAS ALWAYS ONE PHONE CALL AWAY.

 

And then continue to HATE her when she goes through Herculean efforts to put humpy-dumpy back together again....with the SAME broken, damaged man YOU both loved, EXCEPT he's the father of her children, the BIL and SIL of her family.

 

So while you are ONE broken heart, please realize she's trying to put together 10, 15 , 20 brokers hearts back together and you may not be a priority on her lst as sad and as angry as that may make you.

 

 

I don't hate her. And, had he not told her he loved me and then three days later after she took away the business I lost my job (from her phone call) even though he and I didn't work together.. And told the world about it.. I would've called her.

 

But, when he texted me he was going back to her, I asked him not to contact me.

 

I don't blame her for anything she did except for my job.

 

There was no point fighting then.

 

I like you spark. I'm sorry this happened to you.

[Realist3]

And what's going on in this loser's mind? Let's take a guess:

 

*I am never getting divorced

*I have to make my wife think I'm being good

*I have to get as much sympathy as I can from my wife

*She may still divorce me though

*I can't be alone

 

*I have to keep in contact with Promises because my wife may divorce me

*I have to feed Promises crumbs so she doesn't meet anyone else

*Things may die down with my wife some day & then we can get back to the A

*I have to get as much sympathy as I can from Promises

*She may still find someone else

*I can't be alone

 

You have a very vivid imagination. The facts is, you do not know.

[Realist3]

He's a cake eater to the very core.

He's disordered.

I can rattle off a list a negative and disturbing character traits mile long just based on Promises' posts.

 

The fact is, we DO know.

That would be because his actions SPEAK volumes.

 

No, you don't know. You are only speculating pretending to be a know it all.

[Mount]

Precisely.....:laugh::laugh:. But again guilt as charged, one of the reason I am with my MM is that I don't want to be alone either - I like his company a lot, unfortunately all the single guys /gentlemen there has no one from their group.

 

And what's going on in this loser's mind? Let's take a guess:

 

*I am never getting divorced

*I have to make my wife think I'm being good

*I have to get as much sympathy as I can from my wife

*She may still divorce me though

*I can't be alone

 

*I have to keep in contact with Promises because my wife may divorce me

*I have to feed Promises crumbs so she doesn't meet anyone else

*Things may die down with my wife some day & then we can get back to the A

*I have to get as much sympathy as I can from Promises

*She may still find someone else

*I can't be alone

[woinlove]

Precisely.....:laugh::laugh:. But again guilt as charged, one of the reason I am with my MM is that I don't want to be alone either - I like his company a lot, unfortunately all the single guys /gentlemen there has no one from their group.

 

I hope both you and promises get to the point where you can be happy alone. That's the foundation for healthy, loving relationships.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I also know what I've done is awful. I have never been so involved in directly or indirectly effecting someone elses well being in a negative way. My grievances for that run deep.

 

Somewhere inside I believed that this situation with him was all I deserved, if even for a short time. Somewhere she also believes that she only deserves that too and I get that.

 

I've spent a great deal of time working through forgiving myself. And ultimately, it's the only way I will peacefully move on. That's the missing link you don't hear.

 

I don't think blame shifting will help you find peace. And the situation is probably very much what you "deserve" as it's certainly a natural consequence.

[promises]

I hope both you and promises get to the point where you can be happy alone. That's the foundation for healthy, loving relationships.

 

 

My guess is that your time alone is not that great. People are not wired to be alone.

 

This cliche has always bothered me. I'm fiercely comfortable in living solo. I prefer love and companionship. I think most people do.

[promises]

I don't think blame shifting will help you find peace. And the situation is probably very much what you "deserve" as it's certainly a natural consequence.

 

 

No. No one deserves an eye for an eye when you've been defrauded.

 

I don't deserve misery. I can't believe that people don't see venom pouring both ways here.

Let's not forget that his wife knows he's cheated before she told me after DDay.

 

She also proclaimed him to be a on again off again drunk who has been physically abusive.

 

They are both unhealthy people. Just because they are married does not mean they are wonderful and healthy.

 

Who is also choosing to be a victim?

 

He's better with her. I'd rather not care for a grown child who blames mental issues on cheating and everyone except it.

 

He's a child man. She wants her cookie cutter life. As do most women. It's what we were raised to believe was happiness.

[woinlove]

My guess is that your time alone is not that great. People are not wired to be alone.

 

This cliche has always bothered me. I'm fiercely comfortable in living solo. I prefer love and companionship. I think most people do.

 

What I've observed is that the happier one can be while alone (not in a romantic relationship), the more likely one is to be surrounded by love from many people.

 

Studies have found the strongest indicator as to whether a person will be happily married is whether they were happy single. I believe that to be the case from my own observations. When we are happy alone, we are less likely to enter in an unsatisfying relationship, and less likely to choose someone who is not fully available to love us the way we deserve and desire.

 

I agree that romantic love can add to our lives enormously, but this forum is filled with stories of pain and hurt, emanating from a certain kind of relationship, an affair, and not just pain and hurt for the BS. So, the search for romantic love, particularly when someone is vulnerable and not happy and content with their life alone, does not necessarily lead to better life.

Edited February 4, 2013 by woinlove

[promises]

What I've observed is that the happier one is alone, the more likely one is to be surrounded by love from many people.

 

Studies have found the strongest indicator as to whether a person will be happily married is whether they were happy single. I believe that to be the case from my own observations. When we are happy alone, we are less likely to enter in an unsatisfying relationship, and less likely to choose someone who is not fully available to love us the way we deserve and desire.

 

I agree that love and companionship can add to our lives enormously, but this forum is filled with stories of pain and hurt, emanating from a certain kind of relationship, an affair, and not just pain and hurt for the BS. So, the search for love and companionship, particularly when someone is vulnerable and not happy and content with their life alone, does not necessarily lead to better life.

 

Vulnerable I was, and no, this has not left me happy.

 

I have been very happy alone.

 

I wish that his 'unhappiness' never found mine.

 

But, now I need to regain strength.

[promises]

Do what do you think you deserve? Not in the affair bubble. Now with what you now know about what you *both* did? I'm curious.

 

FWIW I think my cheating father deserves to rot in hell after a life totally alone. So I am NOT some sort of WS apologist whatever you may think.

 

 

Sorry you experienced that. Have you considered forgiveness. Not for him but for you?

[promises]

Do what do you think you deserve? Not in the affair bubble. Now with what you now know about what you *both* did? I'm curious.

 

FWIW I think my cheating father deserves to rot in hell after a life totally alone. So I am NOT some sort of WS apologist whatever you may think.

 

I deserve happiness as do you.

 

We all do. We all deserve love.

[promises]

Then own that you harmed her happiness, whatever state it was in you harmed it. Also this is belied by the fact you resent that they even "seem" happy. What if they actually were, of he was really doing the right thing (obviously not). I don't think you really think they deserve happiness so it's rich for you to claim you do.

 

I do not think any of us deserve happiness at another's expense.

 

You have a long way to go and cheap forgiveness won't help.

 

You also have a long way to go. You absolutely do not see your own hatred but feel justified in condoning it.

 

You are not a therapist. Which is a good thing.

[promises]

But you haven't let it go. It screams through all of your words.

[Decorative]

Promises-

 

I had a thought today.

 

You had a lot of bad things happen to you in a short time.

 

And you are struggling with being able to let MM go, and you keep re-opening th wound. Which hurts you.

 

Counseling could help with that. You have had a huge amount happen to you physically. I know that causes trauma. But I have to wonder if maybe counseling could help you find ways to turn your brain in other directions, to focus in other directions.

 

I had therapy for PTSD. I cannot explain the difference it made my attitude, general outlook, and the ability to choose where I spent my mental energy.

 

So maybe that would be an avenue to explore?

[promises]

Promises-

 

I had a thought today.

 

You had a lot of bad things happen to you in a short time.

 

And you are struggling with being able to let MM go, and you keep re-opening th wound. Which hurts you.

 

Counseling could help with that. You have had a huge amount happen to you physically. I know that causes trauma. But I have to wonder if maybe counseling could help you find ways to turn your brain in other directions, to focus in other directions.

 

I had therapy for PTSD. I cannot explain the difference it made my attitude, general outlook, and the ability to choose where I spent my mental energy.

 

So maybe that would be an avenue to explore?

 

I'm already there. One thing that ic is not teaching me is to shame myself or dwell on the BS. frankly if these attacks (not you decorative) I'm going to report it. Your post is helpful the others are beginning to feel harassing.

 

 

My therapist is wonderful.