Second exposure? Thoughts?

[whichwayisup]

Hi Everyone,

 

I need some support here as I just gave him the papers to get our divorce going. I asked him to move out this weekend and then gave him the mediator papers. For lack of a better term, he was pissed. He said I was playing head games and he can't believe how I have to push him constantly. And then he acted like he was glad I was divorcing him and signed the papers. Then he told me to get away from him and give him space which I gladly did. God, his words cut right through me. Did I do the right thing???

 

Yes you did. As tough and hard as that was to do, serve him with papers and get him to sign them, you did the right thing. Your H has changed and become someone whom you do NOT want to know anymore. He's selfish, cruel, and a shi.thead. Toxic too - ALL that you do not need in your life.

 

You know he's still having that A. Well, the OW just inherited a cheating husband. Woo hoo! Good on her.

 

Rely on good friends, family for support and your kids for a wonderful distraction.

 

He knows he fuc.ked up but he won't let you know this. EGO.

[BetrayedH]

Confused, you have to see true remorse from him before you can deviate from this path. Boy do I get the desire to keep your family intact. It's powerful and makes you question every decision. I suppose it must, really. Keep trying to make decisions with your head instead of your heart. Do you want a man that will be defiant with you after he's the one that had an affair? That accuses you of head games when he is the one running around lying to everyone?

 

You cannot forgive until that behavior has stopped and he turns around entirely. By drawing your own line about what is acceptable behavior, you've demonstrated that you respect yourself. You should not accept a cake-eater. He must choose and you know you can't accept the status quo. The fact is that you've done the best you can to try to restore your marriage by doing this. He needs to feel uncomfortable with continuing his affair. Perhaps this will be the wake-up call he needs to see what he is throwing away at home. You've seen several examples of that here (Spark, Decorative, Furious, Eleanor). And if that doesn't happen, the steps you took to move along the divorce are necessary for you to detach and do what's best for you and your children.

 

I get that it sucks. It's awful. I had been with my wife for nearly 20 years and thought we had a good life. She became a different person and chose to keep going that way. Our divorce was finalized in October. It's a sad thing. But I have risen to the occasion, focused on a new life, regained my sense of balance, and manage to deal with my ex fairly well on coparenting issues. While it takes a while, life does go on and I think the steps you're taking will help you maintain your self-respect in the process. You can't change him but you can decide how you will respond. Personally, I think the response that this is unacceptable is the healthiest choice you could have made for you and your family.

[waterwoman]

Well done confused. It sounds the best thing for your situation x

[Confused3232]

Thanks everyone - when ever I feel weak, I just read some of your posts and it really helps. I was hoping he would wake up this morning and come to his senses, but he was just still mad and kept telling me he wouldn't go to one of our best friend's weddings with me that is happening in 3 weeks. I have to admit, it would be really hard going alone.

 

Maybe he just truly doesn't love me anymore and is willing to throw away this marriage. He just seems to hate me so much and all I have done for him was to try and be his friend through this...well, I guess that sure doesn't work.

 

I am going to turn in our mediation papers today and file. When I look at the faces of our little twin girls, I want to die. How can he not feel the same????

[BetrayedH]

Thanks everyone - when ever I feel weak, I just read some of your posts and it really helps. I was hoping he would wake up this morning and come to his senses, but he was just still mad and kept telling me he wouldn't go to one of our best friend's weddings with me that is happening in 3 weeks. I have to admit, it would be really hard going alone.

 

Maybe he just truly doesn't love me anymore and is willing to throw away this marriage. He just seems to hate me so much and all I have done for him was to try and be his friend through this...well, I guess that sure doesn't work.

 

I am going to turn in our mediation papers today and file. When I look at the faces of our little twin girls, I want to die. How can he not feel the same????

 

One thing I have learned is that you cannot "nice them back." From what I see, they have to hit rock bottom. A tolerant wife at home stops them from hitting bottom. He is mad because he cannot have both his fantasy affair and his wife/stable home life at the same time.

 

Some spouses do come to their senses when the reality hits. Others stay deep in the rabbit hole. Try not to let his deluded nonsense define how you view yourself. He's clearly a mess and it may take a long while before he really knows what the hell he wants. That's on him, not on you. Don't sit around and wait on him. Keep your boundaries. He wants to think you are bluffing. keep following through. If he wants to restore his marriage, he's going to have to do a huge turnaround from this. And if he waits too long, it may very well be too little, too late.

 

Yes, some social events will be tough. It takes a while to adjust. Please don't do ANYTHING social with him unless he does that 180 degree turn. Now you should only be discussing the kids, shared finances, and the divorce. Period. No personal conversations. And 99% of this can be done by text and email; I prefer emails because I can save them. Cut him off. Show him what life is like when you decide to have an affair and then try to continue it underground. You get asked to leave, you get handed divorce papers, and you get cut off by your friends and family except when they have no choice but to deal with you. He has chosen this path. Let him walk it.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks everyone - when ever I feel weak, I just read some of your posts and it really helps. I was hoping he would wake up this morning and come to his senses, but he was just still mad and kept telling me he wouldn't go to one of our best friend's weddings with me that is happening in 3 weeks. I have to admit, it would be really hard going alone.

 

Maybe he just truly doesn't love me anymore and is willing to throw away this marriage. He just seems to hate me so much and all I have done for him was to try and be his friend through this...well, I guess that sure doesn't work.

 

I am going to turn in our mediation papers today and file. When I look at the faces of our little twin girls, I want to die. How can he not feel the same????

 

 

He isn't who you think he is. I felt the same thing. Mr. Messy looked at our kids and called them traitors because they told me what they knew. As much as we want to believe that the person we loved is still in there somewhere....but they aren't. Go to the wedding. Look stunning when you and most of all hold your head high. Only deal with him in the manner you would a person who robbed your family....because that is what he did.

[BetrayedH]

Dealing with them eventually becomes like dealing with that coworker that you just can't stand. You might have to interact sometimes. You keep it civil; you say please and thank you (especially in front of others - like your kids). But otherwise you just keep your distance. I also quietly hope for a slow death for them but that's optional.

[Realist3]

Doesn't your OW perpetrate this with her evil H? isn't she a victim of a jealous, abusive, cheating H?

 

Isn't that why you must keep the affair secret and go to great lengths of subterfuge, dodging and outsmarting his PI to continue the affair?

 

Doesn't that EMPOWER you to be smarter than him and protect your damsel in distress?

 

She's a victim. Look at her! Feel sorry for her!

 

What foolishness.

 

Clever. I don't really view it in that vein.

 

Except for the first few months we no longer talk about our spouses with each other. It serves no purpose. I know her situation and feelings about her spouse and she knows mine. Continual chit chat about the same issues is tedious.

 

We keep it secret because we both made the decision to avoid the fallout.

 

I don't feel empowered because I am smarter than him, or have out-smarted him. Just don't think that way.

 

Yesterday morning I actually ran into him for the first time at school. I felt nothing. Nothing.

 

Some of you try and invent all of these scenarios which you imagine might fit into what you may have heard before, and I understand that proclivity; but all you are doing is guessing. I know that some would like to attempt to shame me for whatever purpose, and I really don't mind that. I'm just fine with where I am.

[BetrayedH]

Just drop it. You're off topic. There's an OP here.

[Realist3]

Yeah.

 

It's not about asking for pity.

 

It comes from a position of strength. It's a point of saying enough. And taking your life back.

 

It's about realizing that you're done dealing with lies. And being gaslighted. And having your reality questioned.

 

It's about strength.

 

But I don't expect you to understand.

 

I do understand.

 

It is up to you to embrace that position.

[Realist3]

Just drop it. You're off topic. There's an OP here.

 

Good advice.

[Confused3232]

So I asked my best friend to come to the wedding with me instead. It is amazing, he knows just the right buttons to push with me to try and make me buckle. After giving him the papers, he also said that he didn't want to help me buy a new home and plan for a war in court. Then he took those words back a little while later.

 

He should be out of my house by Saturday. It should be much easier without him here and frankly wondering what he is doing every night he gets home late.

 

I have to be honest, I don't think he will be a guy who figures this out and tries to come back. He seems to always think he is right. He fully believes he has met his soulmate and he doesn't love me. I am just in his way. Funny thing is, I doubt him and his soulmate will ever make it, she hasn't even left her husband yet. I just don't want that woman in my babies lives.

 

With this 180 process, are there usual stumbling points that I can expect? Or better yet, how did each of you stay strong through this???

[Decorative]

So I asked my best friend to come to the wedding with me instead. It is amazing, he knows just the right buttons to push with me to try and make me buckle. After giving him the papers, he also said that he didn't want to help me buy a new home and plan for a war in court. Then he took those words back a little while later.

 

He should be out of my house by Saturday. It should be much easier without him here and frankly wondering what he is doing every night he gets home late.

 

I have to be honest, I don't think he will be a guy who figures this out and tries to come back. He seems to always think he is right. He fully believes he has met his soulmate and he doesn't love me. I am just in his way. Funny thing is, I doubt him and his soulmate will ever make it, she hasn't even left her husband yet. I just don't want that woman in my babies lives.

 

With this 180 process, are there usual stumbling points that I can expect? Or better yet, how did each of you stay strong through this???

 

I pampered myself as much as I could. I asked for help from my friends and family. My parents actually came and stayed with me for ten days. I got manis and pedis. I exercised like a crazy person. I cried. I let the people who love me, love me.

 

And I kept myself as dark as possible from him. I had an intermediary handle most communication with him. It let me get strong quickly.

 

It wasn't easy. but I took it one day at a time.

[Spark1111]

surround yourself with supportive caring people. Loneliness makes it hard, so do whatever it takes to not be lonely. Mom and sisters? can they give you a break from the babies so you can go and do something for you?

 

I don't thinks he hates you but he will try to punish you for bursting his affair bubble. Ignore all angry texts and emails. delete them and do not respond. if you do have to have a conversation, be polite and cheerful almost, and then beg off the phone as if you are too busy to speak anymore.

 

stop being hooked in to be abused.

 

Stay calm. Refuse to discuss " us" because if there any us to discuss? No, there is not, certainly not on his terms.

 

Enforce YOUR boundaries of being respected and treated kindly by everyone.

 

take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time.

 

we all know when you get away from his angry blaming of you, clear your head from this drama, you will be able to make space in your life for things like joy, peace and enrichment.

[stillafool]

Confused have you and your STBXH discussed how he will see the twins? Have you two told them what is going to happen yet?

[Spark1111]

Confused have you and your STBXH discussed how he will see the twins? Have you two told them what is going to happen yet?

 

they are only five months old, which makes the betrayal all the more harder to fathom, don't cha think?

[Confused3232]

Confused have you and your STBXH discussed how he will see the twins? Have you two told them what is going to happen yet?

 

My twins are 5 months old, so no need to tell them. We haven't discussed visitation - sugestions?

[Spark1111]

Clever. I don't really view it in that vein.

 

Except for the first few months we no longer talk about our spouses with each other. It serves no purpose. I know her situation and feelings about her spouse and she knows mine. Continual chit chat about the same issues is tedious.

 

We keep it secret because we both made the decision to avoid the fallout.

 

I don't feel empowered because I am smarter than him, or have out-smarted him. Just don't think that way.

 

Yesterday morning I actually ran into him for the first time at school. I felt nothing. Nothing.

 

Some of you try and invent all of these scenarios which you imagine might fit into what you may have heard before, and I understand that proclivity; but all you are doing is guessing. I know that some would like to attempt to shame me for whatever purpose, and I really don't mind that. I'm just fine with where I am.

 

so go be happy realist.

 

but if I were the spouse of your OW and served her with divorce papers, I think yes, I would inform my closest friends and family of the affair, the affair partner and the conditions on which you deceived, betrayed and lied to me.

 

lie to me once, shame on you.

 

Continuing lying to me without consequences, shame on me.

[Furious]

So I asked my best friend to come to the wedding with me instead. It is amazing, he knows just the right buttons to push with me to try and make me buckle. After giving him the papers, he also said that he didn't want to help me buy a new home and plan for a war in court. Then he took those words back a little while later.

 

He should be out of my house by Saturday. It should be much easier without him here and frankly wondering what he is doing every night he gets home late.

 

I have to be honest, I don't think he will be a guy who figures this out and tries to come back. He seems to always think he is right. He fully believes he has met his soulmate and he doesn't love me. I am just in his way. Funny thing is, I doubt him and his soulmate will ever make it, she hasn't even left her husband yet. I just don't want that woman in my babies lives.

 

With this 180 process, are there usual stumbling points that I can expect? Or better yet, how did each of you stay strong through this???

 

 

I think handling the 180 for me was harnessing my anger and using it as a positive force in keeping me firm in my decisions to move forward.

 

 

I got very busy with preparing for my new life, dealing with all the legalities, I changed my will and power of attorney, made sure my children would be my beneficiaries, got my finances in order, spoke with real estate agents, started getting the house in tip top shape to put on the market. When I felt exhausted I leaned on my close family members and friends.

 

I also saw an IC, that helped my cope and kept me balanced.

 

My mantra was I must first respect myself before expecting it from others.

 

I was done with my husband, i didn't communicate with him unless it was about legalities and the children.

 

I also contacted the OW's husband and provided him with the proof I had.

He was grateful for the truth and thanked me.

 

I think the 180 must be more about you, empowering yourself, and giving you the tools and resources to move forward with or without him.

[Spark1111]

My twins are 5 months old, so no need to tell them. We haven't discussed visitation - sugestions?

 

I think the courts are very lenient with infants being with their mother, especially nursing mothers in the first year of life.

 

I believe he has a right to see them but it does not necessarily have to be in your home.

 

ask your attorney what your options are and how best to manage it for the twins.

[ComingInHot]

I've read before that a woman put in her divorce agreement that NO OW/GF was allowed near their children until there was an engagement and wedding date set. I think that's a GREAT thing for you to consider setting up in the terms of your D.

[Realist3]

so go be happy realist.

 

but if I were the spouse of your OW and served her with divorce papers, I think yes, I would inform my closest friends and family of the affair, the affair partner and the conditions on which you deceived, betrayed and lied to me.

 

lie to me once, shame on you.

 

Continuing lying to me without consequences, shame on me.

 

So for you it is about meeting out consequences? Conseguences that go beyond your relationship with the WS? The only consequence that matters is that you are no longer together. Running around telling everyone how you were wronged serves no purpose except to gain sympathy, and to damage the WS.

[Spark1111]

my nephew was allowed 4 hours on Saturday and on Sunday because his stbxw was nursing, or so she claimed.

 

he rented a nearby hotel room, picked his child up and spent four hours with him in a hotel room. they met in her driveway, and she handed over a diaper bag filled with supplies and the baby.

 

now he has him every other weekend and some holidays and his extended family helps out. So, it's fair and fair is good.

 

if your visitation is like this, it is very hard at first to let your babies go, but it is good for them to have a relationship with him. who knows? he may be forced to spend MORE time with them because he no longer will have a wife to pick up the slack.

 

And in time, you will have every other weekend to yourself to recharge your batteries too.

[Spark1111]

I've read before that a woman put in her divorce agreement that NO OW/GF was allowed near their children until there was an engagement and wedding date set. I think that's a GREAT thing for you to consider setting up in the terms of your D.

 

Ellin Woods did that too. Smart lady.

[Realist3]

So I asked my best friend to come to the wedding with me instead. It is amazing, he knows just the right buttons to push with me to try and make me buckle. After giving him the papers, he also said that he didn't want to help me buy a new home and plan for a war in court. Then he took those words back a little while later.

 

He should be out of my house by Saturday. It should be much easier without him here and frankly wondering what he is doing every night he gets home late.

 

I have to be honest, I don't think he will be a guy who figures this out and tries to come back. He seems to always think he is right. He fully believes he has met his soulmate and he doesn't love me. I am just in his way. Funny thing is, I doubt him and his soulmate will ever make it, she hasn't even left her husband yet. I just don't want that woman in my babies lives.

 

With this 180 process, are there usual stumbling points that I can expect? Or better yet, how did each of you stay strong through this???

 

Eventually he will grow up. The fact that you have these young twins really is a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you are having to go through this. As if you don't already have a lot of to deal with. Sigh...

 

He may have met his soulmate, who knows? No longer your concern.

 

He is going to be part of your life forever, so you have a choice on how that relationship goes. It can either be hell or it can be amicable. The short term will be difficult, but in time it will get better.