How to end a friendship that just won't go away quietly

[Teknoe]

damn, now I got an email invite about a late January snow trip. This is getting too much for me. When I first hung out with this group, I was younger, had no full time job, was heavily involved in church, and had way more energy. Now that I'm older, full time working, no longer heavily involved in church and not as much energy, I don't care to hang out with these folks anymore.

 

Wondering if I should send them an all-reply email draft like such... just dunno coz I hate (potential) drama, but I don't know if I can just avoid them forever without an explanation other than "Busy, can't make it, have fun" over and over again.

 

Draft 1: with a white lie

 

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Hi everyone,

I recently reconnected with the first church I attended. All my old brothers and sisters have welcomed me back and I feel like I've returned home. Therefore, I'm now taking a hiatus from [Church] and reconnecting with my first church. I appreciate everyone's generosity and prayers over the past couple years. If I'm interested in future hang-outs I will contact y'all. Thanks again for everything.

 

Blessings,

Tek

 

---

 

The white lie is the reconnect with 1st church part. Truth is, I'm just tired of the church scene currently, and am enjoying my break away from it. The reason for the white lie is that it's more "spiritual" and is likely to keep them off my back (i.e. "Oh I see, OK, well yeah, God does call us to different churches. Looks like he has his own community now. Go in peace, brother" as opposed to.... draft 2 below)

 

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Hi everyone,

I'm currently on a hiatus from [Church] and all [Church] social life. Just taking some time to sort things out and also maybe check out my original church again (which I miss). Thank you to all for your kindness and prayers over the past couple years. I'll contact y'all if I'm interested in future hang-outs. Merry Christmas and have a happy new year.

 

Blessings,

Tek

 

---

 

It just seems so much more blunt and allows them for gossip/follow-up on me... which is the LAST thing I want. I want them to be like "oh good for Tek! He's going back to this first church praise God" rather than "Uh oh... is Tek not a Christian anymore? We better pray for him! And check up on him once in a while..."

 

Any thoughts?

[Teknoe]

damn, i signed onto FB and found "Ann's" message on Sunday. They had a lunch and she specifically messaged me asking if i would be there and if I could return her cd items. Ann is the 41 year old who might be interested in me (despite me being well over 10 years younger) and is the one in the group always inviting me out or checking up on me 1 on 1

 

i'm now tracking down her things and going to drop it off at her church sunday hopefully. i want nothing of hers left "hanging" over my head, so to speak.

 

i'm just really tired of her constant messaging me. in the whole group she is the one that time after time initiates 1-on-1 messages and it's annoying. i'm not attracted to her at all and wish not to give her any wrong ideas. if she wasn't in the group, i bet no one would really care to follow up on me. because of her presence and aggressiveness though, i'm kept in the loop. but now, i no longer wish to be.

 

I just messaged her to ask if she'll be at church sunday. if so, i plan to arrive 30 minutes early to drop her items off at the front desk. i know this sounds cruel but i rather not see her at all. not that i hate or dislike her... just sometimes you need a clean cut/break from certain ppl.

 

i also turned down the snow trip using assertiveness. i did not apologize, and didn't even give a reason.

 

i simply replied to the organizer going

 

"Hey Bob, thanks for the invite but i'll pass.

 

Have a wonderful and restful Christmas break."

 

done. That might have been the first time i've ever done that. it felt so sweet. I have seen ppl do that to my invites over the years i.e. offer no reason don't say sorry they just say "I'll pass" and there's nothing more to say or do. it feels good. i can decline their invites without giving a reason.

 

i guess there's no going back now. i will not audition for the musical. i think i am done with that church, completely. i've made up my mind and crossed the point of no return. honestly, i just want some alone time to sort through this.

[Teknoe]

Well, I just dropped the CDs off to my friend. I didn't meet up with her. I left them at the front desk lobby, where she can pick up after service. Cold? Maybe. But I just cannot see her right now. I want to send the message that I'm distanced, and please don't try to contact me like I'm your close friend. Hopefully she'll get the message loud and clear.

 

It feels good. I'm moving on. She's not a bad person or anything... but one of those things where things change and you just need to clear her out.

 

Now she has nothing "hanging over me" and hopefully, I can be completely free from her. Shame I have to go cold turkey on this group. I wouldn't have minded seeing them maybe once every other month or so, but because of my discomfort level around her, I have to stop completely. Maybe I'll return to the fray after enough time has passed, maybe not. Right now, I feel like I'm doing what I have to do.

[NoMagicBullet]

Since your problem seems to have been resolved, I wasn't going to post, but I noticed a few things in your posts that I'm not sure you're aware of.

 

You mention feeling "obligated" a lot. You admit you have hard time saying no to people, and mention instances of going along with things you really don't want to do -- no wonder you feel obligated! I suspect that's why that after a while, you feel the need to dump a set of friends, is because you never say "no" and start feeling obligated to go along with things you agreed to, but don't want to do.

 

It's a good thing you're working on assertiveness, because saying "no" is important. You can't really have good relationships with anyone until you can say "no" and enforce some boundaries. I don't know about fear of committment, but I suspect you are conflict avoidant, and that's why you pefer to fade away, not say "no", etc. The problem is that those actions are a form of passive-aggressive behaviour. Or such is my armchair psychologist perspective. To have good relationships (friends, work, whatever), you have to be able face those conflicts directly and practice resolving difficulties without jettisoning the relationship. There is always conflict in human interaction; avoiding conflict does no one any good.

 

Just an aside on that woman you think may be interested in you... I'm not convinced that romance is her motivation in her frequent contact with you. Since you met through Church and she's older, she may feel like it's her duty to help encourage and guide you spiritually (whatever that might mean to her, not you) and be an attentive friend to you. You trying to "fade" on her may have encouraged her to reach out more, if she thought you were going through a difficult time and you needed a friend even more. This is why learning to tactfully assert your own wants and needs is important, because not addressing these issues and just "disappearing" causes misunderstandings and potentially a lot more misery for all involved.

 

Okay, armchair psychology session over. Just remember the advice is only worth what you paid for it!

[Teknoe]

Since your problem seems to have been resolved, I wasn't going to post, but I noticed a few things in your posts that I'm not sure you're aware of.

 

You mention feeling "obligated" a lot. You admit you have hard time saying no to people, and mention instances of going along with things you really don't want to do -- no wonder you feel obligated! I suspect that's why that after a while, you feel the need to dump a set of friends, is because you never say "no" and start feeling obligated to go along with things you agreed to, but don't want to do.

 

It's a good thing you're working on assertiveness, because saying "no" is important. You can't really have good relationships with anyone until you can say "no" and enforce some boundaries. I don't know about fear of committment, but I suspect you are conflict avoidant, and that's why you pefer to fade away, not say "no", etc. The problem is that those actions are a form of passive-aggressive behaviour. Or such is my armchair psychologist perspective. To have good relationships (friends, work, whatever), you have to be able face those conflicts directly and practice resolving difficulties without jettisoning the relationship. There is always conflict in human interaction; avoiding conflict does no one any good.

 

Just an aside on that woman you think may be interested in you... I'm not convinced that romance is her motivation in her frequent contact with you. Since you met through Church and she's older, she may feel like it's her duty to help encourage and guide you spiritually (whatever that might mean to her, not you) and be an attentive friend to you. You trying to "fade" on her may have encouraged her to reach out more, if she thought you were going through a difficult time and you needed a friend even more. This is why learning to tactfully assert your own wants and needs is important, because not addressing these issues and just "disappearing" causes misunderstandings and potentially a lot more misery for all involved.

 

Okay, armchair psychology session over. Just remember the advice is only worth what you paid for it!

 

Ha, thanks for taking the time to share some thoughts, Magic. Actually, she seems to have gotten the message... as her contact with me is much shorter and less frequent these days. That tells me that perhaps it's more likely she liked me moreso than she saw me as someone she needed to encourage/guide along/attend to.

 

In regards to boundaries, I need to reread the book Boundaries, which I own. Yes, you are right. I have been horrible at setting my boundaries, going along with "50/50" activities which did not really interest me, but that I just did to please everyone else/keep up my "image" that I've created. So I go to these things, and end up feeling miserable during and particularly afterward when I realize it has been an obligation more than anything else. No wonder I recoil! You're absolutely right. I need to work on setting firmer boundaries. If I had, I might still have been able to stay in touch with this group, but as of now, I feel like you said I must "jettison" them out of my life. At least, until things cool down and we get back to a more "acquaintance" level... but facing the facts, it's probably too late to go back. I won't be surprised if I end up just avoiding all members altogether. It's just kind of hard to start out so hot and then fizzle out and keep in touch. To be honest, I don't think it'd bother me much either, either way, since I never really felt THAT strong a connection to the group. They are mostly 10-25 years older than me.

 

I guess that's why I have been taking a hiatus from church lately. For the past half year it started to become like an obligation to me, whereas in 2009-2011 I really genuinely enjoyed coming to church. 2012 things changed, and after a while, I felt the need to go to the other end of the spectrum. I do wish to return to a church someday, maybe not my "current" church, but I want to do this right so I'll be taking my time.

 

In the meantime, I will try to continue to work on my assertiveness and setting appropriate boundaries. It's burned me all my life... my HS group I had to jettison as well due to a lack of establishing boundaries... and various other small groups I've been in as well. I am an easy going "let's go with the flow" kind of guy, but I guess after a while a guy can only take so much.

[Teknoe]

She texted me yesterday "Happy New Year! :)" It was a single text sent just to me. To be nice, I responded "Thanks, you too." I sent the reply an hour later purposefully.

 

Today she sent me a mass text "Happy New Year everyone! See y'all in 2013" I chose not to respond. Hmmm. Slightly "concerned" that she didn't quite get the message or just pushing my boundaries to see how far she can go. One person replied to the mass text, whose number I did not recognize. Weird... usually mass texts I get 4-5 replies... this one I only got 1. Whatever.

 

Hoping she won't contact me for a while, but I'm pretty sure a FB dinner invite is coming sometime in January. I'm just going to keep declining assertively. At this point I don't feel bad about it anymore. Oh well.

[Teknoe]

Man, this group refuses to go down quietly. Just received a mass text about an hour ago talking about who's in town for an "inaugural dinner." This was followed by like 15 more mass text replies... none of which I replied to. Then the organizer decided since not enough people would be able to make it, he's going to propose an "inaugural lunch" for Sunday.

 

My gosh... I'm thinking I might actually have to address them at some point. Guess I got in "too deep" with this group and now I want out... but I'm in so deep that I can't get out with a proper email of why I'm excluding myself from all future social activity. What I hate about this is I wish I could fade away quietly and secondly, now it's gonna be awkward going forward on FB. Getting rid of friends was so much easier when FB wasn't around. I know I shouldn't care, but now if I post any news it'll pop up on their newsfeed and they'll be like "That jerk... he quit on us" ... again I know I shouldn't care what others think but it's hard not to.

 

I have thought about cancelling my FB or freezing it... but I don't want to completely axe it just because of this group and all my old church acquaintances. Maybe I'll start a new profile and include only family and some select friends/acquaintances... start over. Maybe I'll do that... and leave most church acquaintances behind me... my friend list will probably go from 600 to 100 but that's fine with me. It ain't about the #'s anyway.

 

Anyway, 2012 the group didn't hang out much. All of a sudden, when I want to fade away quietly, it seems the group is adamant on hitching up the number of times they hang out.

 

I've saved so much money (not spending gas or buying food) since I cut them out... my credit card bill this past month was literally $200! It's nice to save the money and stay home to do my own things, which is my preference in the first place. Win-win.

 

Seems like more mass texts will be coming this weekend. I don't know if I'll ignore or simply state "Got something going on already. Take care"

 

Eventually, I might have to send a formal BCC email to all members to let them know my status. I'd hate to do it, but that's my last resort, something like this

 

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Dear church friends,

I thought I'd email everyone to let y'all know so no one is left in the dark. I've been exploring other church homes in the latter part of 2012. I enjoyed this church for the time I was there but after a while I found a lack of intimate connection... and over time this became something I couldn't avoid. I know a lot of people at church (as acquaintances), but I long for the kind of fellowship I had at my first church. I've enjoyed your companionship over the past year. Thank you for all your prayers and support.

 

I've been checking out a couple churches in the past several months, including one that my old good friend is attending. I honestly miss the small church feel where after service you would head out with friends who you connect with on a deeper level. I've tried to find that at this church, particularly with people around my age, but it just hasn't clicked.

 

Sorry if this email seems like it's coming out of nowhere. I'm OK and have been happy exploring new church homes with my good old friend. I'm sorry if this comes as a shocker or disappointment to anyone, but I have to do this for myself. Thank you again for your fellowship over the past year. But I just can't ignore the fact that I long for the kind of connections as I had with people at my first church.

 

Please understand and respect my wishes. I don't want to keep hanging out out of a sense of obligation. I appreciate the invites, but am now in a different season. If I wish to hang out again I'll contact y'all. Sometimes we just go in different directions though. Take care everyone.

-Tek

 

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I dunno... just sounds so dramatic. I wanna be as brief and succint as possible, without revealing too much. I will probably tweak the draft above. Any suggestions? I'd like to keep it to two short paragraphs minimum. (PS-yes there are white lies in the draft as well... like my checking out other churches part... I don't want them to know I've been on a hiatus from church in general, period)

 

Gosh, it's never easy telling "friends" that you just no longer wanna hang out. I need to be more careful next time of whose invites I accept. It seems you can randomly hang out once... and be OK... but if you see a group several times... they "hook you in" and you become "one of them." I kind of regret accepting all the hang outs back in 2011 which "hooked me in the club."

 

Then I got frustrated when I tried to hook in other friends around my age... so I'd have more of a connection in the group hangout... but then feeling angry when they say "No thanks I'll pass" and I never ask them again... all the while festering inside "Why can't I be free like them... instead I've attached myself to these folks... grrr.." and get even more resentful.

 

LOL damn... I need to see a therapist sometime. I got boundary issues and I just don't know how to say no assertively enough to maintain my own sanity. Instead I go along with the program even though I want to "change the channel" and end up ultimately being resentful and things implode like they are sorta now

 

sigh

[NoMagicBullet]

If it's a mass message, e-mail, text, whatever, I don't believe you are obliged to respond, especially if this is frequent and takes up a lot of time. I've done a few invites like this and never got a response from some people; sometimes my feelings were hurt that closer friends didn't respond, but I brushed it off and moved on.

 

So personally, I would only respond to a mass e-mail if it was a rarer invite from a person who doesn't tend to send out invites, even if it was just to say "Sorry, I can't make it". What you describe almost sounds like a Meetup group in terms of messages and notifications.

 

However, do respond to messages where you are the only person the message was intended for -- it's just good manners to respond to people who are addressing you personally in any medium. And if you don't want to attend, just say "Thanks, but I have other plans."

 

I wouldn't send that lengthy message. It's a little too specific about what you feel you lacked in that church (lack of connection, connection with people your own age), and your sense of obligation. That could be a slap in the face for the older people who reached out to you and likely wanted you to feel welcome and a part of the group, not obliged or irritated. Distill it down to the positive points: you've been looking for a new church home with more people your own age (which is a normal enough motivation for anyone), you appreciate the fellowship the group has offered you while you were there, and you won't be participating in the group activites anymore. Tell people that, if they ask, or if you feel the need to announce that you are moving on. I wouldn't say "don't contact me" of "I'll call you when I want to participate", because you'll come off as a jerk. In practice, though, do contact them if you ever do want to participate.

 

In the meantime, it's probably okay to ignore mass e-mails & texts. You don't have to pay serious attention to everything that lands in your Inbox.

[Teknoe]

If it's a mass message, e-mail, text, whatever, I don't believe you are obliged to respond, especially if this is frequent and takes up a lot of time. I've done a few invites like this and never got a response from some people; sometimes my feelings were hurt that closer friends didn't respond, but I brushed it off and moved on.

 

So personally, I would only respond to a mass e-mail if it was a rarer invite from a person who doesn't tend to send out invites, even if it was just to say "Sorry, I can't make it". What you describe almost sounds like a Meetup group in terms of messages and notifications.

 

However, do respond to messages where you are the only person the message was intended for -- it's just good manners to respond to people who are addressing you personally in any medium. And if you don't want to attend, just say "Thanks, but I have other plans."

 

I wouldn't send that lengthy message. It's a little too specific about what you feel you lacked in that church (lack of connection, connection with people your own age), and your sense of obligation. That could be a slap in the face for the older people who reached out to you and likely wanted you to feel welcome and a part of the group, not obliged or irritated. Distill it down to the positive points: you've been looking for a new church home with more people your own age (which is a normal enough motivation for anyone), you appreciate the fellowship the group has offered you while you were there, and you won't be participating in the group activites anymore. Tell people that, if they ask, or if you feel the need to announce that you are moving on. I wouldn't say "don't contact me" of "I'll call you when I want to participate", because you'll come off as a jerk. In practice, though, do contact them if you ever do want to participate.

 

In the meantime, it's probably okay to ignore mass e-mails & texts. You don't have to pay serious attention to everything that lands in your Inbox.

 

 

Thanks Magic. Good stuff. The issue is, even if the organizer and I aren't particularly close, it's not like he's sending it out to 50 people either. It's a group of 8-10 people... so I almost feel obligated to respond. But on the other hand, I don't really wanna so that that might send him the message that I'm no longer interested in group hang outs.

 

I agree with personal individual invites or "check ups" the nice thing to do is tell them you have other plans... but I don't know how long I can keep avoiding them without them eventually asking me if I'm OK or whatever.

 

Appreciate the edit tips on the draft. Agreed that I don't wanna disclose too much nor come off as a jerk. Focus on the positives. It's just hard to be positive while establishing a boundary of "I'm probably never going to see you again because I have no interest." I don't wanna lie and say "See y'all around sometime" when I know I rather not. It's tough. I guess I'll figure it out as I go along. Hopefully they just drop me after a while, but I have a feeling they or someone in the group will personally "check up on me" to see before outright dropping me out.

[NoMagicBullet]

Ah, small group. Yeah, they probably will be checking up on you if they don't hear from you. You might want to send a mass e-mail to them, then. But sometimes, the less said, the better. Don't say "See y'all later" if you don't mean it.

 

Again, I suggest going with something like "I've been exploring some other church homes with an old friend, and this is where I feel I need to go spiritually at this point in my life. I'm very grateful for your fellowship these past few years [whatever the timeframe is], but my spiritual journey is taking me in another direction. Because of this, I will no longer be actively participating in group/church events. Although I won't be seeing you, I will keep all of you in my prayers. All my best, Teknoe." Or something like that. Basically polite, positive and to the point. (And of course, in words that are yours, not mine. I write very formally, even in casual e-mails. ) Express whatever is the bare bones truth, without divulging things you don't need to tell and they don't need to hear.

 

After all, this isn't a breakup with a gf/bf or getting a divorce. And while these people were your friends to a degree, it doesn't sound like they are your best friends. All they really need to know is that you won't be participating in the events anymore. If any of them ask for more info, then share as much as you feel you should.

 

Try not to overthink it too much or worry what they will do next or what they will think about it. It's good to consider their perspective and use some empathy in what you tell them, but ultimately, you really can't control their thoughts, actions, or responses. In the end, this will all be a blip in the overall scheme of your life anyway. I'd say choose to speak/act in a way you will feel good about years from now when the memory crosses your mind. Good luck!

[Teknoe]

Ah, small group. Yeah, they probably will be checking up on you if they don't hear from you. You might want to send a mass e-mail to them, then. But sometimes, the less said, the better. Don't say "See y'all later" if you don't mean it.

 

Again, I suggest going with something like "I've been exploring some other church homes with an old friend, and this is where I feel I need to go spiritually at this point in my life. I'm very grateful for your fellowship these past few years [whatever the timeframe is], but my spiritual journey is taking me in another direction. Because of this, I will no longer be actively participating in group/church events. Although I won't be seeing you, I will keep all of you in my prayers. All my best, Teknoe." Or something like that. Basically polite, positive and to the point. (And of course, in words that are yours, not mine. I write very formally, even in casual e-mails. ) Express whatever is the bare bones truth, without divulging things you don't need to tell and they don't need to hear.

 

After all, this isn't a breakup with a gf/bf or getting a divorce. And while these people were your friends to a degree, it doesn't sound like they are your best friends. All they really need to know is that you won't be participating in the events anymore. If any of them ask for more info, then share as much as you feel you should.

 

Try not to overthink it too much or worry what they will do next or what they will think about it. It's good to consider their perspective and use some empathy in what you tell them, but ultimately, you really can't control their thoughts, actions, or responses. In the end, this will all be a blip in the overall scheme of your life anyway. I'd say choose to speak/act in a way you will feel good about years from now when the memory crosses your mind. Good luck!

 

 

Magic, I could hug ya. If you're a guy, shake your hand, haha. I needed to hear something like that. Thank you. I feel a lot better now... like I can take a sigh of relief. Yes, I don't wanna stress out too much over this. I hate how I've gotten myself tangled up in a web that feels like it's constricting me... and I want out. I think... I have to send out a brief short email (BCC style so no one can hit "reply all") just to let them know. I think that's the only way to have them stop and also to be positive about it. Imagine me turning them down 5 more times in the next month... eventually one will approach me and I'll have to speak some form of truth. By waiting to let them know so late, that might disrespect them or show that I'm a jerk by dragging it out. Unfortunately I don't think I can fade out quietly since I've gotten myself in too deep, but I also feel I can't keep rejecting or not responding... I mean, I doubt they'll drop me out of their "circle" without someone first asking me what is going on. If I wait for that to happen, I will only look worse.

 

Trying to think of the best approach here, and I think it is sending out a BCC email that's short and similar to your draft. In fact, I love it. It's short, respectful and still sets the boundary. Man, it's well worded. I've never been great at writing succint emails I also love how you didn't delve into great details about why I've left the church. Like you said, if someone asks privately, then I can divulge a little more info, as it is appropriate.

 

One last thing, Magic, are you a Christian? Or have been at some point? You seem hip to the lingo... so I guess you know even more what kind of "world" I am in. My faith these days have been on the rocks, after finding Christ 3 years ago and being on fire the first 2 years. I think lately, I've been jaded and hurt by various church hurts and disappointments, and just need some time away from it all to sort things out.

 

Thank you again. Your help in this thread has been more "therapeutic" than you may know or can imagine. I made this thread in hopes ONE person out there would be able to relate/give advice, and you're just that one person I have been looking for. THANK YOU.

 

I don't wanna stress out over this much. I will draft an email and send it out soon... I can't keep delaying this silence/rejection game... especially with the big Easter musical auditions coming up in 2 weeks. I have to respectably let them know where I stand spiritually and also wish them the best. It's a new year. I don't want murkiness or dragging this out to blog me down. It's the most honorable thing to do.

 

Appreciate it tons, Magic.

[Teknoe]

Shared it with a friend of mine... received some negative feedback and after reviewing it... agree with her the first draft is a little cold and not enough truth (to honor Jesus)

 

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Dear CX friends,

I'm writing this email to you all for two reasons. First of all, thank you for all your support and prayers over the past year and a half. I appreciate you being there for me during a rough season in my life. Thank you for opening your homes and for opening your hearts to me when I was a total stranger. Secondly, I'm writing this email to inform you all that I'm currently exploring different church homes with a friend. To be honest, the reason I am leaving CX (or, taking a leave of absence) is because I long for fellowship with people of my own generation. I have tried and served in the young adults sector at CX, but I have not been able to click with them on a level that I did with the young adults at my first church. I honestly don't know if I'll return someday to CX as a regular, but I do know I'll be sure to visit the annual Easter shows. I look forward to seeing all of you in the Easter show... it will be an honor to finally view it from a spectator's point of view Thank you again for your support and prayers over the last 1.5 years.

 

Blessings,

Tek

 

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I like this much better. It's honest.

[NoMagicBullet]

Hey again, Teknoe. I would have reponded sooner, but had some other stuff going on, then malware problems.

 

I'm so glad my post helped! I think sending them a message is a good idea and that you are doing it for good reasons. With reference to your latest post with your draft, I'd still suggest leaving out the part where you aren't clicking with people at CX. If you need to state a reason, I'd go with " I long for more fellowship with people of my own generation" -- I only did italics & bold to show the additional word to your own sentence.

 

You're going to be very surprised, perhaps shocked, but I'm not at all religious. In fact, I'd call myself a non-believer. Wasn't always that way, but on my own spiritual path, I looked at a lot of different religions & belief systems, and the basic ideas presented in different faiths' holy texts. I ultimately decided every single one of them had some bit of dogma that wasn't relevant to me or I just could not in good conscience force myself to believe. Not to say there wasn't good stuff in many of them, but it always seemed to me, if I was going to say "I'm XYZ," then I had to believe in 100% of whatever defined being XYZ. Eventually, I decided that I'd take the good ideas, incorporate them into my life, and leave the rest behind. And I don't feel a need to carry the title "XYZ," or "ABC," or whatever. But it does mean I tend to explain it all a bit more, like I am here.

 

Anyway, I've been priviledged to know quite a few wonderful, devoutly religious people during my life, including one of my closest friends who is Christian. We have a unique friendship, in that even though our religious views are very different, we can talk to each other without judgement about religion -- rather, we discuss it more to understand that part of each other better.

 

So while I'm not Christian, I can appreciate what your faith means to you, and I understand very well the value of having a religious community that you fit in with and feel connected to.

 

Hug, handshake -- either one! I'm female, but I really try to appreciate what men go through in life, even if I can't truly understand some of it. Whether it's gender, ethnicity, religion, whatever, we're all human beings and have many of the same wants, needs, and dreams, even if they manifest themselves in different ways.

[Teknoe]

^ Thanks for replying, Magic.

 

Well, I've gone from not knowing how to avoid/duck this group (December) to suddenly knowing how and being at great peace about it (January). Funny what a difference a month can make. Couple things happened:

 

1. Decided not to get involved in the production, which means I won't see them at all... thus erasing any potential awkward moments

 

2. Stopped going to church... again eliminating possibility of bumping into them

 

3. Not checking my FB at all... which is the main form of contact.

 

I just know I've gone too far, and don't care to hang out with them again. Once that switch clicked on, it became a whole lot easier for me and with no guilt I realized... it's my life and I'm going to do what I please. I was never close with them and felt by early-mid 2012 that my friendship with them just didn't have any legs for longevity.

 

Funny thing is, I still get mass texted by them asking about weekend plans and which restaurant to eat at. I don't respond, but since I get them I do read them before deleting them. Man, it just reminds me of the relief I have of not having to lie, make up BS or otherwise turn them down.

 

Kinda funny seeing responses like "I'll be out of town. Can't make it but would have loved to!" and "I have to babysit my niece it turns out, so I can't make it" and then the host replied "Your niece is more than welcomed to join."

 

Gosh I hate it when people keep forcing the issue. Some of these texts you can tell these people just want to do their own thing or whatever, but the host keeps pushing it, and you have to respond no a second time. Makes me glad I've gone to assertive declining and now I don't even feel guilty about not replying. There is a big difference between "I have to babysit someone sorry" (they can turn around and say they're welcomed to join too!) versus "Thanks, but I'll pass" (no chance for a follow-up)

 

Like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. My weekends are my down me-time. During the week it's a crazy blur with my job. Friday-Sunday I just wanna chill and I'm not gonna waste driving 30 miles out (both ways), spending $30 on dinner and then 3-5 hours of meh interaction with people who I don't really share a tight connection with (especially now).

 

Being free of all that "obligation" is a really liberating feeling

Edited January 12, 2013 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

It's been about 6 weeks since I posted in here. Here's a quick update.

 

They pretty much have been quiet. I did have a FB message checking up on me on my wall. But today I got a mass email from the host inviting everyone to go skydiving. This was a bucket list item for me, and I did it with them late 2011. I don't care to skydive again (particularly again with THEM). Now I don't know whether to decline (and if so, whole group or just to the host) or flat out ignore. Ignore may seem cruel, but I really just want this group out of my life. I think I may just let it sit.

 

Just really don't care to hang out with them ever again. Plus there's that one lady in the group that makes me feel a little uneasy. Shame one person has to kill the whole thing for me, but meh, it is what it is. No big loss. I wish the host would drop me out of his emails. Maybe I'll ask him to. Or maybe I'll just ignore and he'll eventually clean me out.

 

Glad to have 6 weeks of peace and quiet from them, though! It's just nice having the weekends and not worrying about a so-so hangout with them where I go home thinking "Meh, why did I just waste 4-5 hours doing that???"

[whichwayisup]

Ignore may seem cruel, but I really just want this group out of my life. I think I may just let it sit.

 

Hit reply all and say "I'm sorry, I just don't have the time for these trips, my life is extremely full."

 

They will delete you or still send emails to you, in turn, those future ones you can just ignore.

 

edit to add

No big loss. I wish the host would drop me out of his emails. Maybe I'll ask him to. Or maybe I'll just ignore and he'll eventually clean me out

.

 

Then DO email the admin/host of the group and just say you're no longer interested in being involved in the group and would appreciate it if they took you off the emailing list. DON'T feel about it! Life goes on, things change, people get busy. This is your life so if you don't want to hear from any of them or see them, take control and do email that person.

Edited March 2, 2013 by whichwayisup

[Teknoe]

Then DO email the admin/host of the group and just say you're no longer interested in being involved in the group and would appreciate it if they took you off the emailing list. DON'T feel about it! Life goes on, things change, people get busy. This is your life so if you don't want to hear from any of them or see them, take control and do email that person.

 

Thanks for the tip. I think I may do a mass email reply similar to what you stated:

 

"Sorry I don't have the bandwidth right now to commit. Have fun!"

 

and then a separate private email JUST to the host saying:

 

"Hey Bob,

Please remove my email from future group emails. Thanks."

 

Ouch, it sounds so cold. Hmm, maybe I just need to man up and stop worrying about what others think. I mean, do I owe him an explanation for why? It'd be nice if I did... but why complicate things?

 

Hmm. Right now I'm still ignoring them and haven't responded yet. I'm sure they'll ask and he'll say "Tek never got back to me..."

 

Maybe I need to add some closure to it by sending out a very brief group email. We'll see...

[Teknoe]

Just really don't care to hang out with them ever again. Plus there's that one lady in the group that makes me feel a little uneasy. Shame one person has to kill the whole thing for me, but meh, it is what it is. I'm not close enough to anyone in the group that I feel it's a bad loss not hanging out with them ever again

 

 

Update, so I ended up never telling the host to remove me off the email list, and I never ended up emailing the group a "farewell" message. I've just ignored them. In return, I haven't heard from any of them. I think they understand that I have been a "fringe" member of the group, and obviously now am not reaching out to reconnect, and so, either they have stopped hanging out as a whole, or they've dropped me out. It might be a bit of both, because today I got a text from that woman in bold. The one that I think may like me but that I'm mildly creeped out at (partly because she is a good 11 years older than I am!)

 

She sent a mass text to us saying:

 

"Hey everyone, I know this is last second, but it's a been a while since we've gotten together. Anyone wanna catch dinner tonight or have a group lunch tomorrow after church? Let me know"

 

I decided not to respond, and feel no guilt whatsoever about it. Might have back in January, but now it's been so long since I've talked with any of them that I feel we've truly gone our separate ways.

 

Interestingly enough, no one else responded. Usually, in these mass texts, I get 4-5 other texts from others in the group. This time, zero. I don't know if they responded privately to her or what, or if they ignored her like I did. *shrug*

 

What's also interesting is she wrote "we haven't gotten together in some time"... which might mean the group has quietly disbanded at the same time that I stepped away. Maybe they didn't take me off the group... maybe they just stopped hanging out. I dunno. I always felt like it was a "patchwork" group... meaning... it was alright and somewhat fun for that period/season of our lives... but I didn't see longevity in it... especially for me... being so much younger than the others in the group. By 2012 I just knew this was a group I wanted to separate myself from. Now that I have, there's just no going back.

 

No guilt, no regrets.

 

Hopefully this woman gets the hint and stops inviting me out. I truly believe if it weren't for her, I would never have been so "close" to the group. Back in 2011-2012, she always invited me and always checked to see if I would be there. No one else in the group did. I think she had a mild crush on me and believe that maybe we could make a "Godly couple" together. She would laugh at everything I say, and generally pay extra close attention to me. After a while, it became mildly creepy and annoying. Nice woman, but yeah. It just felt weird after a while.

 

The group itself has good people in it. Just not the kind I see myself hanging out with anymore. So yeah, just wanted to share this update. It was interesting seeing her text, deleting it and not feeling bad or guilty about it. Also found it interesting that no one replied... at least, to the whole group. I get a feeling a lot of ppl replied privately to her "Sorry, busy." Seems like the group has disbanded, or at least, isn't as close as it was last year.

 

Damn, it's hard to find friends you genuinely like and want to spend time with. It's so much easier being by yourself and doing whatever you want, without having to check up on others or worry about impressing others. When you have people you only half-care to see, it's more like a chore than a pleasure. Quite honestly, I rather be content by myself than quietly semi-miserable for 4-5 hours trying to please people I don't really care about.

Edited April 28, 2013 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

Just received another mass text from her.

 

"Seems like most of u are unavailable this weekend. How about next?"

 

Damn I hate her persistence, LOL.

 

Can't she just let the group die quietly?

 

So awkward. I am planning NOT to respond. I know it's mean, but I haven't talked to her in 5 months now (and that was only to drop her things off that I'd borrowed from her back in 2011)... and have not seen her in person since like... July 2012?

 

Sheesh, just let it be, lady

Edited April 28, 2013 by Teknoe

[Teknoe]

Update:

 

It was my birthday late summer. She messaged me on FB that she would like me to come out to one of the group hang outs again. I felt so guilty, and since it was my bday I felt like I "owed" the group "one." So I went out to lunch with them a couple weeks back. It was a bit awkward. They welcomed me back, called me the "lost son" and all that. It was an OK lunch. I mean, they're nice people and all, but they're all 10-20 years older than I am, and I just don't feel the connection with them anymore. I really rather just be on my own. I feel kind of horrible saying that, but also not...

 

It's her bday today, and she sent out an email to the 10 people in the group or so, asking us to celebrate it with her this Saturday. I haven't wished her a happy bday yet, and I don't know if I want to/should. I do know I am not going to the bday dinner thing. I really just want to be left alone from this group.

 

Problem is, she seems so "hooked" on me that she always initiates hang outs, and includes me. If it weren't for her, I would be long gone out of the group. But because of her, I've been left "lingering around." I don't know why she refuses to see that I've just moved on, that people change and friendships shift. It's kind of annoying. After a while, you should have the common sense to just remove someone from the email list, or at least, email them privately to say "Hey, I notice you haven't been out with us in a long time. Just checking in to see how you're doing and whether you want to stay on future emails."

 

I don't want to email her to stop. To me that's just unnecessary drama, so right now I'm just ignoring her. The bday thing was a 1 off... I felt obligated to show up to that one. I really see no legs with this group going forward though. Like I said, nice people, but just not the kind of friends I care to spend time with anymore. Gosh, it's uncomfortable when you've moved on, and someone still "pursues" you.

[lionoftheforum]

I’m not religious, so I’m not in tune with the level of proselytization some religious folks will go to too advance the interests of their church. I also live in a state and culture where it’s considered rude to disguise church recruitment as advancing-interest-of-interpersonal-activity. I know this behavior is common in parts of the south and people there think nothing of it (Baptists).

 

This being said, this sounds more like proselytization and church recruitment than keeping a relationship in tact for the sake of keeping it in tact to me.

[Teknoe]

I’m not religious, so I’m not in tune with the level of proselytization some religious folks will go to too advance the interests of their church. I also live in a state and culture where it’s considered rude to disguise church recruitment as advancing-interest-of-interpersonal-activity. I know this behavior is common in parts of the south and people there think nothing of it (Baptists).

 

This being said, this sounds more like proselytization and church recruitment than keeping a relationship in tact for the sake of keeping it in tact to me.

 

No, I am already Christian and these people come from two different churches. So I highly disregard the notion that it's evangelism or church recruitment. For whatever reason, that one woman 11 years my senior just seems to love me and think I'm a great guy, and wants me involved in the group.

 

Her bday just passed, and I didn't wish her a happy anything, and I didn't attend her bday dinner, not even replied to let her know I wasn't coming. Hopefully that sends her the message that seasons have just changed.

[Teknoe]

Maybe I've finally reached the age of "maturity" or point of no return, but it was her bday this past weekend. She mass emailed folks, including me, that she would like a celebration dinner.

 

I didn't respond, go, or wish her a happy bday.

 

And I don't feel guilty about it. It's my life I realize, and I would only be doing her a disservice by continuing to feign friendship interest. She's probably a little hurt I didn't wish her anything, but oh well, that's on her to deal with, not me.

 

The older I get, the more I realize, it's OK not to reply back to everyone who contacts you.

[Teknoe]

So, she texted me today. 1 on 1.

 

It said "Hi my friend, how r u? Wondering if you can get lunch tmr after church or dinner tonight? I know its last minute so it's perfectly fine if you say no :)"

 

I felt this twinge. Like, are you serious? Do you not realize that I have not hung out with the group in a year now? So I fired her this text:

 

"Hey, I can't make either. Don't have the bandwidth (i.e. time) to hang out these days as before. Take care."

 

She replied 10 seconds later: "Figured. Hope u r well :)"

 

She's always been classy, but it makes me sad. She's probably very lonely (single 40+ year old woman). The "figured" line was sad to me. But I pray she understand I've moved on and that she takes me off future invites. We'll see. I used to feel like a jerk doing this to her, but now I realize it's just part of growing up, and growing apart.

[mea_M]

The older I get, the more I realize, it's OK not to reply back to everyone who contacts you.

 

Bingo.With age comes wisdom.

 

Mea:)