Mint Sauce Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 you still struggle with an inappropriate sense of loyalty towards your ex-W. It is clear you still love her. As you detach further, as your healing progresses, you will see more clearly that you did the right thing. You did not hurt your ex-W, she did. Her family is mistaken for putting blame on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Your ex is going to rationalize this as much as she possibly can, all in an effort to shift some guilt off her own shoulders. It doesn't matter where it gets shifted to, as long as it lightens her burden. Hence the "you ruined my life" crap when you told the OMW. You did the right thing by telling the OMW, by the way. There's always the argument that "she had a right to know", and I agree with it. That didn't impart a duty on you to tell her. But you did so, and whether or not she found out through you or somebody else is irrelevant. You didn't ruin anybody's life by telling her. Your ex and the OM did that by screwing around with each other; you were just the messenger. Your inlaws' anger is misplaced, but not totally surprising; they probably don't want to believe that their daughter would do something like what she did to you, so again, finding a way to shift the blame back to you somehow just feels better to them. Just remember that you're the victim in all this. Thus you have the right to do whatever you need to (within legal limts) in order to repair the damage she did to you. If that means telling the OMW, then it's justified. If that means telling your mutual friends what she did, then it's justified. The cheater in your situation will almost always expect you to keep their dirty little secret, and they'll come up with very inventive arguments in support. Just know that the arguments are garbage. Hang in there man... this too shall pass. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 And by the way, your ex is unhappy now? Sure she is. The fantasy is over, the reality hit her. I do not think she still understands that these are the consequences of her actions. I remember asking her just before the divorce was finalized how she feels about the whole thing, if she wants more time to think about it. Her answer was that she is finally happy, never been happier. That she felt no guilt or remorse. When I asked about the kids, she said they will be just fine. They will adjust. Now after I exposed her she asked me the same question about the kids. Telling me what a bad example I am setting. Wtf?!? Really? Sometimes I think she is still in the fog, trying to justify everything. But I am not buying it. Her parents lived with us for 3 years when they lost their house. It was my idea to help them out. We were helping them financialy too. We paid for their vacations. And now for them to treat me like this....never, since the day one they wanted to talk about it. I tried to reach to them so many times. Their only response was to let go, to move on. I told them she was seing someone else, I begged them to try to influence her...to think about the kids. They never did, always wanted to stay neutral. All they said was "its between you two". I guess now they decided to get involved...oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 You did the right thing, and to hell with what your in-laws think. In my family it was different, my dad's younger bother cheated then divorced his wife, my aunt. My aunt and her kids were still considered a part of the family, and was always made to feel that way, while my uncle was never again invited. In fact he had to make an appointment with his parents if he wanted to see them, so that none of us would be there. He was never again allowed in my fathers house. He has since moved across country, haven't seen him in over 3 decades. My aunt later remarried and she too moved out of the area. Each Christmas she comes back with her new husband to spend time with her grandkids, and we have a big reunion for her. Even though she married into the family, she will always be apart of our family. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Did you ask her what kind of example SHE was setting? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I know I am in the extreme minorty on this subject, but I have never seen the need for anyone to out the affair the other other BS. No good comes from it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I know I am in the extreme minorty on this subject, but I have never seen the need for anyone to out the affair the other other BS. No good comes from it. You're right - extreme minority. YOU have facts that DIRECTLY affect that person's life. It's your moral duty to protect the other person. Who needs to know if he/she is living a lie. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 How I wish I have found this place sooner. It would save me a lot of heartache and pain, or at least help me in the process. This was the hardest thing I ever went thru in my life. This place gives me strenght, thanks to all you wonderful people. I was amazed at all the positive responses. I feel a lot better today. It feels like I finally closed the circle, even though the s*** hit the fan again, but this time it's different. This time it's tough on them. Their bubble finally poped and I know they will blame me. But no guilt here, well maybe a little. Soon, I hope they will realize it was their own actions that caused all this disturbance, not me exposing it. The truth always comes out, one way or another. Thank you friends for helping me see that I was not wrong about what I did. Don't let anybody make you feel bad or guilty for telling the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I'm betting the BS is VERY glad she knows! There's your "good!" Yes, I'm sure the BS will very glad their life was just upended. "I just found out my spouse was cheating. That feels so great." I get the sense that many people go out of their way to ruin another family out a sense of revenge; wanting other people to hurt like they have been hurt, not out of some sense of "moral duty" as it was stated before. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I know I am in the extreme minorty on this subject, but I have never seen the need for anyone to out the affair the other other BS. No good comes from it. What if, rather than emotional harm, you knew that the OM was planning to physically harm his BS? Do you have a duty to get involved then? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Yes, I'm sure the BS will very glad their life was just upended. "I just found out my spouse was cheating. That feels so great." I get the sense that many people go out of their way to ruin another family out a sense of revenge; wanting other people to hurt like they have been hurt, not out of some sense of "moral duty" as it was stated before.That's absurd. You think his wife would prefer to spend the next 40 years of her life not knowing her husband is banging a bunch of women who may or may not be giving her husband a disease that he will bring back to her? Not knowing that 'friends' know and don't tell and whisper about her or pity her behind her back? You really think she's better off wasting her ONE life on a man who treats her like dirt? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I tried to reach to them so many times. Their only response was to let go, to move on. I told them she was seeing someone else, I begged them to try to influence her...to think about the kids. They never did, always wanted to stay neutral. All they said was "its between you two". I guess now they decided to get involved...oh well. Yeah. Not the first time I've heard this. Some months back I took A LOT of heat from forum members about this very subject. My point was (and still is); what do we expect to gain from exposure? Understand that many were advising exposure to 'knock' the cheater from their fog, to 'right the wrongs' of history revision and aid in a possible reconciliation. I say then and repeat now that it usually doesn't work. As you clearly state, blood (and 'friendship') is thicker than water. That said, it was right to tell the other BS. You (almost) have no choice. I had a lot to learn when my marriage crumbled, and that learning continued through the separation and divorce. I did however, refrain from the temptation to 'circle the wagons' in an attempt to have her family and friends gang up and try to convince her to save her marriage. Even if they would have been successful (which I doubt) in the end, what would I really have? I wanted her to be with me, happy and secure in our love. Not forced back through guilt and obligation. No one convinced her to marry me...why would I want someone -anyone- besides her, to convince her to remain married to me? In the end, happiness isn't justified by means. It's chosen! I'm not surprised your ex is miserable. She'll continue to tag you as the reason until no reason exists. Drama has a shelf life. It'll die soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 That's absurd. You think his wife would prefer to spend the next 40 years of her life not knowing her husband is banging a bunch of women who may or may not be giving her husband a disease that he will bring back to her? Not knowing that 'friends' know and don't tell and whisper about her or pity her behind her back? You really think she's better off wasting her ONE life on a man who treats her like dirt? You can't answer that for her/him, but when you butt into someone elses business you are answering it for them. It is not your place. Your respnsibility lies between you and your spouse. That is it. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Well, then you can only hope that no one tells you if your spouse is screwing around behind YOUR back and EVERYONE knows but you. Of course you'd find out once you started growing a "thing" you can't explain on your genetalia, or perhaps when your spouse's AP shows up at the funeral when you're in your 80's. I, for one, would prefer to know. Therefore, if I know of someone screwing their spouse over like that, I will tell. And right there you said it all. You would prefer to know. YOU can't make that assumption for everyone else, and when YOU do, YOU are butting in where YOU don't belong. You are not the one that has a relationsip with the AP or the BS. That is between them, not you. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 And right there you said it all. You would prefer to know. YOU can't make that assumption for everyone else, and when YOU do, YOU are butting in where YOU don't belong. You are not the one that has a relationsip with the AP or the BS. That is between them, not you. YOU are making the assumption that other's don't want to know or don't want to be told. You're trying to make the decision for others that they shouldn't tell. In fact, if you go off the "between them, not you" premise...then what's the point of telling others what they should/shouldn't have done? It doesn't in any way involve you at that point either, yes? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 One is that telling the other BS does not always end every well, in fact it is almost always a disaster. Give me an example of when an affair isn't disasterous? Of course it's disasterous! He brought the affair to light! Affairs are like roaches, they love the dark. But, as soon as you throw the light switch, they all scatter. All the OP did was bring the affair into the light. Was he slanderous? Was he making things up? NO! He told the truth! So, it's fair to the OP that his WW was probably telling people that the demise of the marriage was because, "we couldn't get along" or "we wanted different things out of life" or " our lives were going in two different directions. "....blah...blah...? In my book, that making up lies about me! So, yeah. The WW is pissed! Chances are the OM threw his WW under the bus to save his own ass with his wife. Realist3, I'm starting to think your the OP's wife. Or someone that got outed on their own affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) Telling someone they "ruined someone else's life out of selfishness" is verbally abusive in my book. The life was ruined by the cheating. However, it doesn't have to be an ENTIRE life. The ruination can stop once the BS knows of the sneaking and lying. As for this "large number of people" business, um - YOU are the one who brought up that people shouldn't assume what the BS would want. HOWEVER, since that seems to be your sticking point, I merely pointed out that nearly everyone on LS (except for the cheaters and those who cheat WITH them) says they would want to know. Therefore, people who tell are MUCH MORE LIKELY TO DO WHAT THE BS WOULD WANT. Get it? It ain't rocket science. Have a wonderful day. Is it your business? Are you a party involved with the BS and AP? I would guess no. Yes, I did in fact say you should not assume what the BS may or may not want to know. And just because a bunch of people coming on a board to commiserate about infedelity is not a good measure to make a judgment about what someone should or should not do in this regard. The OP expressed regret for his decision. That should be some evidence that your held position is not always the best bit of advice. Edited November 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed inflammatory remark Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Give me an example of when an affair isn't disasterous? Of course it's disasterous! He brought the affair to light! Affairs are like roaches, they love the dark. But, as soon as you throw the light switch, they all scatter. All the OP did was bring the affair into the light. Was he slanderous? Was he making things up? NO! He told the truth! So, it's fair to the OP that his WW was probably telling people that the demise of the marriage was because, "we couldn't get along" or "we wanted different things out of life" or " our lives were going in two different directions. "....blah...blah...? In my book, that making up lies about me! So, yeah. The WW is pissed! Chances are the OM threw his WW under the bus to save his own ass with his wife. Realist3, I'm starting to think your the OP's wife. Or someone that got outed on their own affair. You and others are missing the main point. I never claimed affairs aren't disasterous. What I did say was the involving yourself in another person's relationship was none of your business. In no way can anyone suggest that it is your business. The only thing that is your business is between you, your spouse, and the AP. "Fair". The use of that word backs up my earlier statement that a lot of this is about revenge. You nor anyone else is the arbiter of "fair". All you are doing is playing the role of "fairness fairy" for your own selfish reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Gosh...in the cheaters hand book the betrayed spouse must be, at all costs, kept in the dark and god forbid if the betrayed spouse discovers the affair and and informs the ow/om's betrayed spouse, then all cheaters get up in arms, gasping with indignation, at how morally wrong it is interfere in someone's else's life. : 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 There is no indignation. Just pointing out that the other realtionship is none of your business. Why inject yourself into it? What is the purpose? I informed the OW's woman's husband. He was grateful for the truth. He also said that if he had known he would have informed me. It's not about revenge, it's about the truth. I guess for some the truth is an inconvenience when one is focused on lying. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 There is no indignation. Just pointing out that the other realtionship is none of your business. Why inject yourself into it? What is the purpose? Hmmm....typically (although not in this case I will note) telling the other spouse has several positive benefits for the BS who does the telling. It often gives them an ally to ensure that NC occurs between affair partners. It is often a critical step towards the demise and end of the affair...which is instrumental in giving the marriage a chance to recover. It also provides much needed (in most cases, although granted not all) information for the other BS, allowing them to make an INFORMED decision, rather than being kept (deliberately) in the dark by the affair partners. The effects are typically far more beneficial (long term) for both BS's, and often for both marriages, when the truth is known by all impacted parties. Sure...it's painful in the short term. But it typically is of far more value long term than in continuing the deception and denying the other BS the opportunity to take their own course of action with all the pertinent information. Don't confuse a lack of pain with a good situation. Just because the other BS doesn't know...and is therefore not in pain...doesn't mean that being informed of the truth (and being hurt by it) is somehow not healthy for the overall situation. Have a little more farsighted view and it'll make sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No, it is your fat ass body that makes you look fat." Truth does not justify the need to know. That's a very lame example of the truth. How about....honey do these red blistering bumps on my wahoo look ok? You can't compare a fat ass to an STD! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 "Fair". The use of that word backs up my earlier statement that a lot of this is about revenge. You nor anyone else is the arbiter of "fair". All you are doing is playing the role of "fairness fairy" for your own selfish reasons. See, your turning my statement around. What I mean by fair is that the OP has several rights here. That he preserved his dignity by telling people the truth rather than the lies the WW may be saying of what the demise was. It was fair for him telling the OMW instead of her living in a marriage that was a sham and a lie! And come on! His wife left him for the OM because she was sooo in love with him! Shouldn't she be singing it from the rooftops! She found her soulmate! The man she was SUPPOSED to be with! Her friend AND her lover!!! Why would she be soooo upset! She got her OM! LOVE IS GRAND!!!! So, the OP told the OMW, maybe he wanted to share the good news! That her husband actually found his true love! Okay, so she didn't find out about it through the mail with a wedding invitation......But, they're so in love with each other! Why should it matter! The fact is, they were in an affair. There's nothing grand about it. It cruel, it heartless and it's ugly. They didn't tell anyone about it because they were ashamed and afraid of the implications surrounding it. It WAS the OMW businees to know about it when the cheating started, when the two of them became four. Their lives got interwind by a selfish and hurtful act. The OP shouldn't have even known that they OMW ever existed. But their spouses couldn't keep there pants on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Yes, you are correct about me being involved in an ongoing affair. But it is not my reason for the "uproar" as you put it. I have seen several different situations where this need to tell the other BS does not end in anything positive. Sure, some people would love to know, but that does not mean everyone would. Some things are best left alone. I was not originally told by the affair partner's spouse, because she was unmarried, but by her parents. That knowledge did nothing but good things in my life, in the end. I am grateful every day. I've never met a BS who did not want to know or was angry they were disclosed to. I have met plenty a cheater that was mightily angry over it, though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 See, your turning my statement around. What I mean by fair is that the OP has several rights here. That he preserved his dignity by telling people the truth rather than the lies the WW may be saying of what the demise was. It was fair for him telling the OMW instead of her living in a marriage that was a sham and a lie! And come on! His wife left him for the OM because she was sooo in love with him! Shouldn't she be singing it from the rooftops! She found her soulmate! The man she was SUPPOSED to be with! Her friend AND her lover!!! Why would she be soooo upset! She got her OM! LOVE IS GRAND!!!! So, the OP told the OMW, maybe he wanted to share the good news! That her husband actually found his true love! Okay, so she didn't find out about it through the mail with a wedding invitation......But, they're so in love with each other! Why should it matter! The fact is, they were in an affair. There's nothing grand about it. It cruel, it heartless and it's ugly. They didn't tell anyone about it because they were ashamed and afraid of the implications surrounding it. It WAS the OMW businees to know about it when the cheating started, when the two of them became four. Their lives got interwind by a selfish and hurtful act. The OP shouldn't have even known that they OMW ever existed. But their spouses couldn't keep there pants on. We will have to agree to disagree. I abide by the doctrine of live and let live. I don't inject myself into other people's relationships, no matter how fair, truthy, or moral my justification might be for doing so. It is not my place. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts