loneman Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Here is my story...I will try to make is short. My XW left me for a MM about 10 months ago. The divorce is finalized. I just could not let go...feeling hurt, lonely, sad,angry, depressed...you know the feelings. Well, my anger got the best out of me. I finally mustered the strength to contact MM's wife. I told her everything, showed her evidence. She contacted my XW and the thing just got ugly. XW tried to call me today couple of times, texted me that I am ruining her life, her family turned against me...And I do not feel good about it. I feel guilty. I was not thinking straight. Everyone always says to expose it, to get it done, it's fair to the other person. But is it worth the pain I am feeling again now? I know my XW is in pain now, but what about the pain I went thru? Does anyone feel the same after exposing the affair? Is this normal to feel guilty? Remorseful? I thought I would feel better about myself after exposing it. But I do not. Any kind word or advice would help.:( 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 25, 2012 Share Posted November 25, 2012 Sometimes doing the right thing, even for ones self, hurts. It doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing, just that it was the hard thing. In short time, you will be comfortable with this. it's called integrity, not everyone has it, because it's hard. And don't fool yourself into the rhetoric that it was done for spite. it was done because it was the right thing to do . Because it was right for you and not for your X doesn't make it less right. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 You exposed who besides the OMW? Telling the OMW was the right thing to do. Thing is exposure needed to be done as soon as you found out about the affair. And not just exposing the affair to the OMW. Not after the divorce. The main use of exposure is to bust up the affair so the BH can get a chance to get their WW back. As far as you and exposure, you are a day late and a dollar short. But if the OM is not divorced he may be throwing your WW under the 18 wheel truck being that his BW is onto him now that you have exposed her. This is why your WW is pissed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you 2sure, you are right. I am all about integrity and honesty. But in this case I feel the truth should have been buried, I feel it was not my business to expose, especially after the divorce was finalized. Now I hurt a lot of people, and that is not a good feeling. Her parents, whom I do care about, are hurt. Telling me to stay away from them. XW is hurt, but I feel she is hurt more by me than by her own actions. As much as she did hurt me by cheating and divorcing me, I did not want her to suffer. Fells like I am back to square one with the feelings. I would rather deal with anger and sadness than guilt. Now it's all those feelings together. It's a messed up world we live in. Messed up by some people and their actions. My own too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Here is my story...I will try to make is short. My XW left me for a MM about 10 months ago. The divorce is finalized. I just could not let go...feeling hurt, lonely, sad,angry, depressed...you know the feelings. Well, my anger got the best out of me. I finally mustered the strength to contact MM's wife. I told her everything, showed her evidence. She contacted my XW and the thing just got ugly. XW tried to call me today couple of times, texted me that I am ruining her life, her family turned against me...And I do not feel good about it. I feel guilty. I was not thinking straight. Everyone always says to expose it, to get it done, it's fair to the other person. But is it worth the pain I am feeling again now? I know my XW is in pain now, but what about the pain I went thru? Does anyone feel the same after exposing the affair? Is this normal to feel guilty? Remorseful? I thought I would feel better about myself after exposing it. But I do not. Any kind word or advice would help.:( Sorry for all your hurt. Nothing about affairs makes you feel good, so I think the guilt and remorse and all the other negative feelings are probably normal. It doesn't mean that you didn't do the right thing, though. I was in the position of knowing the H of a very good friend was cheating on her and I ended up telling her. In the end, it was all for the best, and they actually reconciled. There is no way I could not tell her as I would feel so bad hiding that secret from her, knowing it was affecting her life and she was making decisions without knowing the truth. I did it out of love and compassion and it was still unpleasant. You offered someone the truth, which is how I would and did treat a good friend. That doesn't suck, it is just that the fallout from affairs suck and can hurt a lot of people. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 You exposed who besides the OMW? Telling the OMW was the right thing to do. Thing is exposure needed to be done as soon as you found out about the affair. And not just exposing the affair to the OMW. Not after the divorce. The main use of exposure is to bust up the affair so the BH can get a chance to get their WW back. As far as you and exposure, you are a day late and a dollar short. But if the OM is not divorced he may be throwing your WW under the 18 wheel truck being that his BW is onto him now that you have exposed her. This is why your WW is pissed. I did, when I first found out I exposed it to her family, friends even OW. But I had no proof at the time. But she was way too deep in the affair fog, in her fantasy that she did not care. Even ten months later she told me that she had no remorse, that she is still in love with him. Things happen for a reason she loved to say. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I'll tell you something. my exH was a serial cheater and his actions while we were married and during the divorce and after ....led to my doing things I never ever pictured myself having to do or deal with. but I did. I'm not proud of the way I handled everything, but anyone will tell you I can't be blamed. still, I struggle with it, I'm here right? I'm a decent person, I will do anything I can to not hurt people, it makes me feel like Sh@@to do so...THAT'S the difference. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Even ten months later she told me that she had no remorse, that she is still in love with him. Things happen for a reason she loved to say. As much as she did hurt me by cheating and divorcing me, I did not want her to suffer. Fells like I am back to square one with the feelings. I would rather deal with anger and sadness than guilt. Now it's all those feelings together. The fact that you still feel guilt and compassion and your cheating xW doesn't should tell you to trust your intellect and not your emotions here. You needed to find out the truth in order to make informed decisions about your marriage. Don't you think the OM's wife deserves the same chance ??? This isn't about settling a score with your exW, this is about doing the right thing. Good job... Mr. Lucky 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you 2sure, you are right. I am all about integrity and honesty. But in this case I feel the truth should have been buried, I feel it was not my business to expose, especially after the divorce was finalized. Now I hurt a lot of people, and that is not a good feeling. Her parents, whom I do care about, are hurt. Telling me to stay away from them. XW is hurt, but I feel she is hurt more by me than by her own actions. As much as she did hurt me by cheating and divorcing me, I did not want her to suffer. Fells like I am back to square one with the feelings. I would rather deal with anger and sadness than guilt. Now it's all those feelings together. It's a messed up world we live in. Messed up by some people and their actions. My own too. You didn't hurt anyone, your ex did. It absolutely WAS your business. She made it your business. You haven't done anything wrong. You are a good person and you did the right thing. Someday when you're not in the middle of it, you'll be able to see that, just like everyone else can. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you all for kind responses. To be honest, my anger is gone now. I do not feel it any more. I guess that is a good thing. Reading all these responses makes my guilt easier to bear. Hopefully I will feel better soon :-) The truth was eating me up inside. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 The truth does eat you up inside when you dont say it And when you don't hear it doesnt it? Yet it sets you free, That shyte ain't no joke. X 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 In this day and age of STDs, not telling the other person's spouse shows a complete lack of compassion. Then again, you never know what kind of response you'll get. If our hearts have not darkened, we'll experience guilt if our motivation isn't right. Betrayal doesn't give us license or justification to 'even the score' or seek revenge. Yet, many continue to justify bad behavior then wonder why their situation isn't improving. No one said recovery is easy. Live and learn. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you all for kind responses. To be honest, my anger is gone now. I do not feel it any more. I guess that is a good thing. Reading all these responses makes my guilt easier to bear. Hopefully I will feel better soon :-) The truth was eating me up inside. You stayed true to your interity. You only spoke the truth. Your ex and her family would rather shoot down your interity than own their warped sense of injustice. Your ex gambled with infidelity, but refuses to pay for the consequences. How screwed up is that! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you 2sure, you are right. I am all about integrity and honesty. But in this case I feel the truth should have been buried, I feel it was not my business to expose, especially after the divorce was finalized. Now I hurt a lot of people, and that is not a good feeling. Her parents, whom I do care about, are hurt. Telling me to stay away from them. XW is hurt, but I feel she is hurt more by me than by her own actions. As much as she did hurt me by cheating and divorcing me, I did not want her to suffer. Fells like I am back to square one with the feelings. I would rather deal with anger and sadness than guilt. Now it's all those feelings together. It's a messed up world we live in. Messed up by some people and their actions. My own too. YOU didn't cause that hurt - they did! Get that straight. If they choose to shoot the messenger that carried truth - then take that hit... But deep down they have to know you weren't the one to cheat - you were just honest about what really happened. What did her family think caused your D before you told the truth? Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 What did her family think caused your D before you told the truth? It was her rewriting of marital history. How unhappy she was for all these years, how badly I treated her, sex was not good or frequent, she fell out of love, not a good father to our two little boys...all the typical stuff cheaters say. I did tell them at the very beginning that she was seeing someone else, but I think they choose not to believe it. After all, how could their wonderful daughter do such a thing? They accepted the lies she served them. It was easier for them. And now that the truth is out I am the bad guy. Maybe they are pissed about the timing, thinking that I should have let go. Or that everyone will look at their precious daughter differently. Maybe they re pissed for failing as a role models for their child. I do not know. But they are directing their anger at the wrong person. At least her sister is on my side and agrees that it was the right thing to do, for her (XW), for the kids, for her family. Tonight I am sleeping with the one eye open...OM has been quiet, but I fear he might be up to something. He did make some threats before, but I am in no fear of him. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 It's an easy answer to respond to anything your xW may throw your way with: NONE of this would have come out if you would have followed proper order and divorced me IF you were so unhappy - but YOUR solution was to cheat - and this is all on you for behaving the way YOU did. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 It's an easy answer to respond to anything your xW may throw your way with: NONE of this would have come out if you would have followed proper order and divorced me IF you were so unhappy - but YOUR solution was to cheat - and this is all on you for behaving the way YOU did. I like that. I am going to use it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Yeah, don't worry about it. You did the right thing. And if your in-laws are mad, well...you've already answered that question yourself. They would have NEVER raised a daughter that would behave in that manner! Well, you just proved them wrong and they have to focus their anger at someone and they can't REALLY do it at her because she's blood. PLUS! You don't know what she telling them now. She could be telling them that you beat her on a regular basis and the OM got her out of an abusive relationship and, unfortunately she got too close to him. Link to post Share on other sites
waterwoman Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Wow! Your x-ILs are angry with YOU? Doesn't make sense. Case of shooting the messenger I think. Sorry to read your story. Link to post Share on other sites
j'adore Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 I fell out of love with my ex because of the stuff that your wife alleges. I would understand if he told everyone. I fell in love with someone else. I told my ex but wish I had not. He just told some of our mutual friends and they stopped speaking to me. They all know now but I would not have blamed him if he had told BS, in retrospect it would have been better than me doing it. If they all found out much later it would be worse, the longer it goes on, the lying that is. I told BS in a very emotional moment, so i can understand how it happens, you were hurting. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 (edited) OP, I know it may not seem like it right now, but you did the right thing. If you were in her place, wouldn't you have wanted to know what happened? You've given her a gift, the gift of knowing the truth about her life and what is impacting it. As for your ex-wife's family, seems like there is a certain factor of " shooting the messenger " coming into play...you told them something they didn't want to hear, but that's on her, not you...if she had made different choices, then things may have turned out very differently... Edited November 27, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed personal comment 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author loneman Posted November 26, 2012 Author Share Posted November 26, 2012 How I wish I have found this place sooner. It would save me a lot of heartache and pain, or at least help me in the process. This was the hardest thing I ever went thru in my life. This place gives me strenght, thanks to all you wonderful people. I was amazed at all the positive responses. I feel a lot better today. It feels like I finally closed the circle, even though the s*** hit the fan again, but this time it's different. This time it's tough on them. Their bubble finally poped and I know they will blame me. But no guilt here, well maybe a little. Soon, I hope they will realize it was their own actions that caused all this disturbance, not me exposing it. The truth always comes out, one way or another. Thank you friends for helping me see that I was not wrong about what I did. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
TiredFamilyGuy Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Loneman, I just add my voice to the others. If I was a betrayed spouse, I would want to have the freedom to make choices that were not based on lies. You did the right thing. "Things happen for a reason she loved to say" Hah. Yes, things happen for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you are stupid and make bad decisions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 Thank you 2sure, you are right. I am all about integrity and honesty. But in this case I feel the truth should have been buried, I feel it was not my business to exposeIf YOU were the person unaware that your spouse was cheating on you, would you say that OM's wife should not have told YOU? Stop feeling guilty. Your WIFE caused all this, she and OM. Not you. She's just paying a consequence. Would it have been better done when you first found out? Yes. You should have exposed back then, and you may not have gotten divorced. But that's learning for your next relationship. His wife NEEDED to be told. You did a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 26, 2012 Share Posted November 26, 2012 And by the way, your ex is unhappy now? waa waa, too bad 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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