Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Josh is not your best friend. Josh is not your friend. Josh is a cold cheating liar who was ready to use your infatuation for him for an ego stroke and extramarital sex. Let me tell you what to do about it: drop off the face of the earth for Josh. Don't take his calls, don't reply his texts or emails. If somehow he gets in touch with you, something is urgent and you need to run. No explanations. No "I love you". No friendship. He wasn't your friend. He isn't your friend. He can't be your friend. He'll use that to keep puching for a fwb arrangement. Trust me, he's already looking for the next victim. Good for you for coming here for advice. You have no idea what heartache you just avoided. See, he's not like that, at all. You don't know him. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 i understand what you're saying, and I'm not disagreeing with you. but when that person is telling you the things you want to heart, its really hard not to listen. Yes, its true, i love him as a man, but i also love him as my friend of over 17 years. There's no way i can give that up. He just loves you but you are 'in love' with him. The fact that you cannot be around him and his wife is proof that he is not your best friend. If he were your best friend he would not want to use you just for sex. If you were his best friend you would want to meet his wife and share your private life with them. You would have been invited to the wedding or ceremony. You would be happy for them and not wanting them to break up. If you were his best friend you would encourage him not to cheat on his wife because you would want what is best for him/them. Stop using that excuse to not break contact with him. You are using that as an excuse to keep in touch with him. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 See, he's not like that, at all. You don't know him. He wouldn't intentionally hurt me. That's all great that there's no intention. I'm barely out of an A, and I braced myself for the ending since before the A started. The fact that my frog didn't intend to hurt me is really of no help. It sort of made me feel forgiveness for him for 10 minutes one day, but otherwise...not much. Hurt is hurt, and you can't undo it. You can't think clear. You think he's your friend. Yet all of us reading here tell you this is not friendly behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett5 Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Jennifer, read Where Rainbows End by Cecelia Ahern....it's not a self help book, but I think you might like it. I really feel for you, you're in such a tough and emotionally draining situation. Just look after yourself and give yourself time to heal from this. And it will take time, so don't rush it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 He just loves you but you are 'in love' with him. The fact that you cannot be around him and his wife is proof that he is not your best friend. If he were your best friend he would not want to use you just for sex. If you were his best friend you would want to meet his wife and share your private life with them. You would have been invited to the wedding or ceremony. You would be happy for them and not wanting them to break up. If you were his best friend you would encourage him not to cheat on his wife because you would want what is best for him/them. Stop using that excuse to not break contact with him. You are using that as an excuse to keep in touch with him. How do you know i didn't attended the wedding? I did go. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 It really doesn't even matter, he doesn't want me anyway. i guess I'm only good enough to ****, not marry or even date. You know what, if he wants to throw away a life long friendship to hell with him. I'm done So Josh texted me again. He said he was sorry for getting angry this morning. That he was really hurting and confused about all this. And he hopes we could still be friends. I texted him back one message. "we'll always be friends". Then he sent me a smiley face. It kinda made me feel a little better to end this on a good note. But idk if i did the right thing by replying. i understand what you're saying, and I'm not disagreeing with you. but when that person is telling you the things you want to heart, its really hard not to listen. Yes, its true, i love him as a man, but i also love him as my friend of over 17 years. There's no way i can give that up. You went from walking away and basically putting you first, sticking to your guns because the situation really sucks for you and you get the short end of the stick by keeping a friendship with a man you're in love with but can never have to being so happy because he apologized and wants friendship. I guess you're going to have suffer more pain and heartache by keeping the friendship, watching him stay married from the sidelines and hang onto hope that one day he'll realize he married the wrong woman and choose you. You can't handle seeing him with his wife, how are you going to handle it one day in the future when he tells you his wife is pregnant? The man is happy with his wife but obviously feels the need to go outside of his marriage to fill holes that are missing. I just read an article on yahoo, 'signs a man might cheat on you' or it's called '12 surprising facts about cheating' Not sure if I can put the link here or not, so I won't, but do google it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 You went from walking away and basically putting you first, sticking to your guns because the situation really sucks for you and you get the short end of the stick by keeping a friendship with a man you're in love with but can never have to being so happy because he apologized and wants friendship. I guess you're going to have suffer more pain and heartache by keeping the friendship, watching him stay married from the sidelines and hang onto hope that one day he'll realize he married the wrong woman and choose you. You can't handle seeing him with his wife, how are you going to handle it one day in the future when he tells you his wife is pregnant? The man is happy with his wife but obviously feels the need to go outside of his marriage to fill holes that are missing. I just read an article on yahoo, 'signs a man might cheat on you' or it's called '12 surprising facts about cheating' Not sure if I can put the link here or not, so I won't, but do google it. You're right and i know. my emotions are out of control right now. I will stay away from him, I'm just saying it felt better to make peace with him instead of it ending the way it did this morning. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I can understand that, to end this on better terms rather than anger and resentment. Just hope he really respects your decision and doesn't try to push himself on you to keep a friendship going. He has to understand that you can't handle it and it's selfish of him to convince you to stick around in his life. Keep busy and focus on your friends and other great things going on in your life. Cry when you need to, grieve the loss but don't let yourself go down and out. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 How do you know i didn't attended the wedding? I did go. If you went to the wedding and are really a best friend, why don't you spend time together now? I have a best friend who is male and I always visit him with my husband, or he visits me and we all hang out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 I can understand that, to end this on better terms rather than anger and resentment. Just hope he really respects your decision and doesn't try to push himself on you to keep a friendship going. He has to understand that you can't handle it and it's selfish of him to convince you to stick around in his life. Keep busy and focus on your friends and other great things going on in your life. Cry when you need to, grieve the loss but don't let yourself go down and out. Thanks for understanding. And it really its nice to have someplace to let this all out. Thanks again for listening to my insane rambling. Link to post Share on other sites
Heartdefeated Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'm not the OW and would never be. What makes you so special that he won't cheat on you too? If he really wanted you, you would be his wife already. Maybe he wasnt ready to get married, but that doesn't mean you can step in now. He is MARRIED! Have some respect for yourself and his wife. Leave him alone or go no contact if you are too weak to trust yourself around him. Just being honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 If you went to the wedding and are really a best friend, why don't you spend time together now? I have a best friend who is male and I always visit him with my husband, or he visits me and we all hang out. I went to the wedding because he's my friend. I tried to stay away from him after he got married, that's when i realized it was too much for me to be around him and his wife. we never really lost contact, just backed away a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I went to the wedding because he's my friend. I tried to stay away from him after he got married, that's when i realized it was too much for me to be around him and his wife. we never really lost contact, just backed away a bit. You made the choice then because you thought it was best for you to move on. You should consider applying that same thought and practice now. I know how hard it is, I have been there. I still my friend sometimes, but I don't miss that constant upset, heartbreak, and false hope I was living with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 I'm not the OW and would never be. What makes you so special that he won't cheat on you too? If he really wanted you, you would be his wife already. Maybe he wasnt ready to get married, but that doesn't mean you can step in now. He is MARRIED! Have some respect for yourself and his wife. Leave him alone or go no contact if you are too weak to trust yourself around him. Just being honest. It looks like you've misread my posts. I backed away after he got married. For almost two years, i was almost over him when HE CALLED ME with all the "i love you,i can't live without you" bs. Its not fair for you to call me the OW as you put it. Do i have feelings for a married man? Yes, but my feelings were for him wayyyy before he was married. And i did try,i tried as hard add i could, to make them stop. So don't just go assuming that I'm the OW, OK? it isn't fair Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Now that you responded to him and you know his motives for keeping in touch with you (to see IF/when you might help him cheat) do you plan to communicate any further with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Now that you responded to him and you know his motives for keeping in touch with you (to see IF/when you might help him cheat) do you plan to communicate any further with him? I can say no right now, but of i know me as well as i think i do, i probably will. Actually, I'm kidding myself. If he were to call me in ths next five min, I'd probably drop whatever it its I'm doing just to hear his voice. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I can say no right now, but of i know me as well as i think i do, i probably will. Actually, I'm kidding myself. If he were to call me in ths next five min, I'd probably drop whatever it its I'm doing just to hear his voice. You are a glutton for self inflicted pain...aren't you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 I can say no right now, but of i know me as well as i think i do, i probably will. Actually, I'm kidding myself. If he were to call me in ths next five min, I'd probably drop whatever it its I'm doing just to hear his voice. You're setting yourself up for failure by saying that. I'm going to be harsh for a second. Do you honestly not realize how pathetic you look to him? He snaps his fingers and you come running like an eager little puppy. He can pretty much say anything to you and the second he sends you a smiley face text, he's forgiven. He's using you for an ego boost, and you're going to get your heart broken. You've been in love with this man for 17 years..if it hasn't happened by now, it's not happening. I'm sorry, I really am. But he's a bad guy and you're setting yourself up to get really really hurt. I know you're going to say 'well you don't know him so how can you know that'..but your story is the same as SO many other stories on here, and everywhere. Everyone wants to think they're the exception to the rule, but most people are the rule. That's why it's called the rule. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Well you are going to stay stuck just as you have for the last several years. You aren't going to allow anyone else to get close to you, nor will you be open to it. You are the one who is losing out.....not Josh. Where is your love for yourself? Him telling you he loved you now......he is a jerk move. He does not have your best interest at heart like a true friend. It's your choice.......pine your life away for a jerk or live your life in a way that makes you HAPPY. Being all depressed and miserable because of him sure won't do you a damn bit of good. Again..........it's a choice, all yours. ^^^^^^^^ You need to listen to this OP. You have loved this man for 17 years while he has moved on with his life. What about you? Do you want to be single and alone still pinning for this man while he and his wife have kids, move on to a bigger house and all the other good things in life just because you won't tough it out and get over him? Until you stop considering yourself so weak for his attention that you cannot resist him in anyway you are giving up on your future happiness. BTW, Okay so you went to his wedding but were you really happy for them? A best friend would be ecstatic for them. Have you visited them at their home? Do they come to yours? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 ^^^^^^^^ You need to listen to this OP. You have loved this man for 17 years while he has moved on with his life. What about you? Do you want to be single and alone still pinning for this man while he and his wife have kids, move on to a bigger house and all the other good things in life just because you won't tough it out and get over him? Until you stop considering yourself so weak for his attention that you cannot resist him in anyway you are giving up on your future happiness. BTW, Okay so you went to his wedding but were you really happy for them? A best friend would be ecstatic for them. Have you visited them at their home? Do they come to yours? Ok, again, you are not understanding me. When he got MARRIED......I stayed away from him for two years! so no, i didn't want to be aport of his life with his wife. I PUSHED HIM AWAY! OUT OF MY LIFE.. I DIDN'T WANT TO SEE HIM ANYMORE. then he comes up with this crap on how HE WANTS AND LOVES ME. this its not my fault. Of he hadn't called me that night, I'd not be posting this right now..I'm not happy about this ok? I hates that one phone call or text from him can flip my whole world upside down. My head its telling me to move on, never see or speak to him again, but my heart keeps saying, no, hold on.you're gonna be with him one day. And then he tells me those EXACT words. How can you not believe something you've been dying to hear for so long. I'm not a crazy delusional woman. I'm a realist. I'm smart, successful, i take care of my appearance, and most of all, i have a good heart. I don't want to hurt his wife. But i also don't want to hurt myself. And giving him up hurts me. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Actions vs words!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Here's the disconnect, friend. You're putting all the blame on him for calling you. You're accepting none of the responsibility for any of your actions or responses to his call. You had a choice. You made a choice. And you are responsible for your choice. Stop putting all of the blame on him...you could have simply said "no...you're married". Instead, you did something else...and here you are, posting on an OW forum. Q.E.D. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Here's the disconnect, friend. You're putting all the blame on him for calling you. You're accepting none of the responsibility for any of your actions or responses to his call. You had a choice. You made a choice. And you are responsible for your choice. Stop putting all of the blame on him...you could have simply said "no...you're married". Instead, you did something else...and here you are, posting on an OW forum. Q.E.D. You're absolutely right. You're exactly right. I'm every bit to blame. But how could i have not taken his call. We call each other once in awhile. How was i to know that this phone call was going to be life altering? And i missed him terribly. What about my feelings, huh? Who's looking Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 You're absolutely right. You're exactly right. I'm every bit to blame. But how could i have not taken his call. We call each other once in awhile. How was i to know that this phone call was going to be life altering? And i missed him terribly. What about my feelings, huh? Who's looking Who's looking out for my feelings? Why do i have to be the one who keeps getting hurt Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 Who's looking out for my feelings? Why do i have to be the one who keeps getting hurt You wouldn't feel this way if you cut him out of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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