Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 And I'm not angry at you guys, I'm just trying to make sense out of this Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I know. Just make sure you keep that in your mind if people tell you stuff you don't want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 I've never been a heartless or selfish person at all. I have thought about his wife. But obviously he's not happy with her if he's reaching out to me. Marriages fail almost everyday, if his does its his and her problem. I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness anymore. I've done that for way too long. Why would fate dangle him in my face if it wasn't meant happen? What if this is my only chance? I'm not saying I've my choice. I'm just weighing my options Link to post Share on other sites
Adamgem Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I've never been a heartless or selfish person at all. I have thought about his wife. But obviously he's not happy with her if he's reaching out to me. Marriages fail almost everyday, if his does its his and her problem. I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness anymore. I've done that for way too long. Why would fate dangle him in my face if it wasn't meant happen? What if this is my only chance? I'm not saying I've my choice. I'm just weighing my options If it is fate - he will get divorced. I don't think you are thinking clearly. Maybe read a few hundred posts on this forum and you will start to see some patterns. It is the same old story over and over.... First divorce. Then relationship. If you do something with him now - he will not be motivated to leave his marriage. Be strong about this. I wish you luck... Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 If it is fate - he will get divorced. I don't think you are thinking clearly. Maybe read a few hundred posts on this forum and you will start to see some patterns. It is the same old story over and over.... First divorce. Then relationship. If you do something with him now - he will not be motivated to leave his marriage. Be strong about this. I wish you luck... Oh trust me, I'm trying to be strong. He's texted me twice in the past hour asking how i am and if I'm mad at him. I haven't replied. I don't even know what to say Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Yeah i know his wife. I mean, I've met her s few times. But basically i try to keep my distance. And then he throws me this curve ball. Its not fair. Why should i have to be the one to give him up? Because he's married and he hasn't included you in his married life with his wife. Why do you keep your distance? Why not get to know her too, be involved with both of them on a friendship level? You avoid her because it hurts? Too hard to see him with his wife? You have to give him up because he's married and you are in love with him. He may love you as well, but not enough to have married you or be with you that way. Hope this makes sense to you. I understand where you're coming from but also try understand where I'm coming from. darkness and depression, loneliness for two years. Then he comes up and gives me this. It feels like a ray of sunshine. Don't i deserve that? You do, just not with him because he is married and cannot give you want you need and desire. You want a boyfriend, someone who will love and adore you, be there for you.. He can't be that. On the contrare, the depression is because of him All the more reason to distance yourself and detach from him. He is the cause and source of your pain and depression, that's unhealthy and will continue to do damage to you if you don't tell him goodbye. The friendship is based on fantasy on some level because you want and love him. It's a one way street because he's married. Again, he may love you as a friend but he isn't 'in love' with you as you are with him. i take care of myself. I have a great job, live on my own in new York city which had been my dream. I'm on the way to opening my own business hopefully if all goes well. I'm 27, he's 29 Focus on your job, your other friends, family and thrive! You live in an exciting and busy City - Don't let this man ruin who you are! I know that, and i am thankful for that. I just can't understand how someone can tell me that he doesn't love me. They can't possibly know that. Okay, he loves you but what does serve in the long run? Again, he's married and you don't want to have an affair, be the Ow and settle to be his second fiddle, right? So, it makes you feel good to know he loves you.. What happens next? An unhealthy friendship with someone you can't have..It'll prevent you from ever opening your heart to someone else, let alone let yourself fall in love with another guy. Think about that, k. Ok, so he said he loves, and i know i love him, right? So should i just let that go to waste? Yes. He is married and already committed to another woman. It's pointless to chase him and desire him. You two could have gotten together in the past but it never happened! He told you he didn't feel the same as you did in the past.. He enjoys your friendship and what you provide to him (on his terms) and that's not good enough or healthy for you. It's one sided. And unfair to his wife. I've never been a heartless or selfish person at all. I have thought about his wife. But obviously he's not happy with her if he's reaching out to me. Marriages fail almost everyday, if his does its his and her problem. I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness anymore. I've done that for way too long. Why would fate dangle him in my face if it wasn't meant happen? What if this is my only chance? I'm not saying I've my choice. I'm just weighing my options No, he's selfish by reaching out to you. He does love his wife otherwise he wouldn't have married her. If he divorces, then date him. Anything short of that will be an emotional affair or a physical affair and you'll be the one messed up and hurt along the way, all the meanwhile he'll stay married and you'll be second fiddle. This isn't fate. If it was, you'd be married to him now. He is flirting with you and keeping you as an option. Is that good enough for you? To 'wait in the wings' to see if his marriage fails? This isn't a chance with him at all, if anything, it's a test of your morals, your faith and strength. Just because you love him doesn't mean you can have him. He has a wife, so he's off limits. IF you go for it and have that affair, you'll become something you won't like. You'll be helping him cheat and betray his wife. You won't be proud of what you're doing, you'll never be able to show him off to your friends and family. You'll be alone at Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter.. His birthday too because he'll be with his wife. You have a choice to make and I really hope you realize that this man isn't the king and he certainly isn't bringing healthy love or genuine care for you into your life. If he truly cared about you, he wouldn't be doing this to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Oh trust me, I'm trying to be strong. He's texted me twice in the past hour asking how i am and if I'm mad at him. I haven't replied. I don't even know what to say You should blast him and tell him how DARE he tell you he loves you after all this time and let him know that he's been leading you on and that he's a selfish man to do this. Tell him that he chose to marry someone else and it's unfair of him to come chase you. Tell him that you can't be friends anymore, and that you need him to leave you alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 Omg whichwayisup Your post just made me cry Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Omg whichwayisup Your post just made me cry I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry.. I said all the with all the care in my heart.. The reality of your situation is sad, and it's going no where. It's just going to hurt you more if you continue on.. If you stay, your life will continue to be about him.. Hugs.. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Given that the MM has known of the OP's infatuation for years and apparently actively communicated his disinterest and never, by the OP's account, took advantage of her infatuation, it would seem reasonable that he hasn't been stringing her along to get sex or a consistent ego feed. Of course, his personality could have changed, and such is possible as a response to being married, without any cogent negative issues in the marriage itself. OP, have you noted any marked changes in his personality and/or style of interaction in the two years since he became married? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I understand where you're coming from but also try understand where I'm coming from. darkness and depression, loneliness for two years. Then he comes up and gives me this. It feels like a ray of sunshine. Don't i deserve that? Yes you deserve it - but with a man that's available! He's offered you nothing but an affair! That's no friend! He's probably jut bored with his M right now... Tell him to call you when his divorce is final! Maybe you might consider it when his M has ENDED - until TZhEN - there's not a thing to see him for... Much less communicate about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 I wanna thank all of you guys for taking time out of your lives to console and talk to me. It means alot to me. I'm sorry if i came off as rude or angry, I'm really not. I'm just really stressed right now. I've always put myself aside for others, and no one had ever given any kind of thanks. When he said he loved me it was everything i wanted to hear. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 You're welcome. Bottom line is, you don't want to be his side dish.. If his marriage fails and he divorces, then you can consider dating him. Until then he's hands off.. And if he makes a move on you, or tells you how he feels again, SHUT HIM DOWN immediately. Try to get some sleep. Fall asleep with the TV on so your thoughts won't keep you awake. Link to post Share on other sites
Adamgem Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I really can relate to you and I feel for you. You hit the nail on the head when you said 'you have always helped others'..... What about yourself? Have you been a good friend to yourself? This helps me. I ask myself and remind myself to be a friend to myself. Why put others before you? Why do you think you are not important? Why do you value others more than yourself? Why can't you have everything life has to offer? Why not want the best for you? Why? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 'Something you should keep in mind is that many of us have walked in the ****e path you are stepping in and we hate to see someone else step in it. The advice comes form a place of caring and concern.' I agree. No body wants to see you in trouble, that's why they are telling this. But you want to hear the opposite. He doesn't love you. He's very selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 I imagine being told by the person you have loved from afar for so long must be wonderful, I wonder if you have asked yourself and him Why now? maybe, just maybe he has realised that he made a mistake by getting married and maybe the dynamic of your friendship has changed and he has realised that he wants to be with you. I think, were it me, I would ask, and what now? What does he expect and what expectations have you got? If you were to embark on an A with him now, how long could, would and should you wait for him to leave and be with you? Some OW/OM wait and wait for the MP to leave and just keep on waiting. have they any children yet? If he is in love with you, then it would make sense that he leaves his marriage before any children come along or you could be still waiting on the sidelines for many, many more years. I think my question for him when he next texts that he loves you is, What do you intend to do about it? I would also ask myself what I am prepared to have as my bottom line? For me, it would have to be that he left his marriage so I could have an open, honest realtionship. What is your bottom line? Think how awful it might be for you if you had an A and then it ended, either through a D Day or that he stays married, you would lose a friend. It is one thing to grieve for unrequited love, another thing entirely to wait and wait, or to be used and as for the BS, he married her, she believes she is loved, maybe he needs to man up and sort his marriage out first. Either way, what does he expect now? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 So he kept texting me last night and i was going to text him back but i figured his wife might see the text, so i called him this morning. He asked if i was angry at him, i said no, and i told him i love him. I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said. I don't know how i got the strength to do that. It took alot out of me. Like i ripped my own heart out of my chest. Imagine winning the lottery, and saying, no thanks, I'm good. I feel worse now than every before. After what i went thru when he got married i promised myself I'd never cry over him again. I'm telling you this is so much worst. I gave him up. I he'll never leave her now. If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. I feel like dying inside. How did this happen to me?i don't deserve this. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 So he kept texting me last night and i was going to text him back but i figured his wife might see the text, so i called him this morning. He asked if i was angry at him, i said no, and i told him i love him. I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said. I don't know how i got the strength to do that. It took alot out of me. Like i ripped my own heart out of my chest. Imagine winning the lottery, and saying, no thanks, I'm good. I feel worse now than every before. After what i went thru when he got married i promised myself I'd never cry over him again. I'm telling you this is so much worst. I gave him up. I he'll never leave her now. If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. I feel like dying inside. How did this happen to me?i don't deserve this. He is not leaving his wife and he loves the wife. He wants you to be his concubine. I have to congratulate you for not agreeing to be his concubine. He probably has other candidates to interview for the position. You need to forget this loser. Why are you in love with a cheater? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 From my readings, it sounds like this was the OP's first infatuation, at a very young age, like mid-adolescence, hence the emotional memories are strong, even if unrequited. OP, have you spoken with your parents about this, in general? I know you're an adult, mid-late twenties, but parents still have wisdom and life experience to share, as well as give support. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 He is not leaving his wife and he loves the wife. He wants you to be his concubine. I have to congratulate you for not agreeing to be his concubine. He probably has other candidates to interview for the position. You need to forget this loser. Why are you in love with a cheater? To be honest,i don't know anymore. I think its become a habit to me. No matter what he says or does, i can't stay away. The funny thing is, if he calls me next week and pulls this crap again, I'll probably fall for it all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 From my readings, it sounds like this was the OP's first infatuation, at a very young age, like mid-adolescence, hence the emotional memories are strong, even if unrequited. OP, have you spoken with your parents about this, in general? I know you're an adult, mid-late twenties, but parents still have wisdom and life experience to share, as well as give support. you're right. I was 10 when all this started. I'm now 27, lol how dumb does that sound? No i haven't talked to parents about it. They'd probably say the same thing everyone else is saying though. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 It's healthy to get anonymous opinion from people who have no personal investment in your outcome but IMO it's also healthy to get input, as well as real support, from those who know you better than anyone as well as love you. I recall, as a young man about your age, hearing from my mother to be careful about a lady who would 'step out on her husband' (her words). She was a pretty wise lady and only offered that opinion after meeting the lady in question. It was at that point, even though I initially railed defensively against those words, that I began to change my mindset regarding such interactions. Your path will be your own; it's nice to have those who love you at your side. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 So he kept texting me last night and i was going to text him back but i figured his wife might see the text, so i called him this morning. He asked if i was angry at him, i said no, and i told him i love him. I told him i wanna be with him, but if we're doing this, then we're gonna do it right! I told him if he's seriously thinking about being with me, then i need it to be 100%. I asked if he was happy with his wife. He said kinda. I asked if he loved her and he said yes but that he loves me too. I asked if he thought ever leave her and he said"i don't know". I told when and IF he does call me. I'll wait if he wants me too I'll wait forever of he told me too. And you know what he said to me? Then i guess I'll see you around. Take care. Like he wasn't even phased by what i said. I don't know how i got the strength to do that. It took alot out of me. Like i ripped my own heart out of my chest. Imagine winning the lottery, and saying, no thanks, I'm good. I feel worse now than every before. After what i went thru when he got married i promised myself I'd never cry over him again. I'm telling you this is so much worst. I gave him up. I he'll never leave her now. If i would've said yes to him, sooner or later he would've left her, but that's not gonna happen now. I feel like dying inside. How did this happen to me?i don't deserve this. I'm SO sorry for the pain your in right now, Jennifer. I also wasted a LOT of good years being hung up on a guy, who I considered to be one of my best friends. He yanked me around in the exact same way--the only difference was that he never got married. He sent me love letter after love letter when he was in the military, and I was a doe-eyed teenager. I found out , a few years later, that I wasn't the only one he was sending those kind of letters to. He'd wind me up, then come back on leave with a new girlfriend. "tra-la-la"...... Leaving me stunned, and feeling stupid. But I was convinced that we had this special deep bond, and I foolishly waited for him. I'll never get those years back , that I wasted , being The Fallback Girl. He had no genuine concern for me--I was an ego stroke for him.Someone who adored him, and pined over him. The bottom line was--he was more concerned with being loved-- .....than with being loving. Someone who really, truly, LOVES you---doesn't yank you around, and wind you up, to watch you go. Someone who really , truly LOVES you---cares about YOUR peace of mind, and happiness. Cut your losses, grieve your loss---and I promise you--someday you'll be SO glad that you stood up to him, and stood up for yourSELF. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 (edited) In my defense, he wasn't married when i met him. And you really can't control who you fall for. Only your actions and what yoiu do with those feelings. i havn't done anything ok? I told him to screw off,, isn't that enough? Again, i totally pushed MY feelings away for the sake of someone else. And the best part is, i still get called a cheater...sure, why not. Rub salt in my wounds. Edited October 22, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed reference to deleted post Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 You know, i thought this was a place where i could get some advice our encouragement. I didn't think I'd get criticized or judged especially since we are all kinda in the same boat. I thought that was the purpose of this forum being labeled "the other man/woman" jennifernyc84.... Yes dear, you can come here for GOOD ADVICE and Encouragement! And I am going to give you some VERY GOOD ADVICE AND ENCOURAGEMENT! I am an xOW and let me tell you being the OW is not the place you want to be! I was there, so VERY much in love, thought he was my soulmate, my best friend and greatest lover. BUT, HE IS MARRIED and he was NEVER EVER going to leave his wife. As time went on and I realized this I knew what I was in his life for, GOOD SEX, someone he could really talk to but that was it. I was not WORTH him ever getting a divorce for or him leaving his children. Now what I feel about the matter is that I was used, yes, used and an option. I hated being second ALL THE TIME and after a while it just got to me and I told him SEE YA LATER. I lost ALOT of respect for him and myself for what he did to his W. Can't have it both ways. NOW, I can't stand him, call it indifference but it is what it is. I do wish him well, but if I could offer any advice to you is RUN.....RUN FAST AND FURIOUS, (the other way away from him)! Ahhhh, what's the matter with his Marriage? Does he think he made a mistake? Well then get a DIVORCE!!!!! If he loved you at all, HE WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED! HE WOULD HAVE MARRIED YOU! Do not get caught in this tangled web. You will Lose! Just my opinion from a woman who has been thru it all! You might not like what I have to say....but it is the TRUTH and I am trying to get you to NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID! BE CAREFUL,,,,you are very vulnerable....and it is not a good place to be in!!!!!!! TRUST ME...BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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