sweetjasmine Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I don't even support what I'm doing. I hope all goes well for you, though....and me I didn't want an affair, i still don't. I didn't plan this. If someone would've told me two Weeks ago that I'd be having sex with Josh while he was married I'd have said they were insane You did plan it. You made the choice to maintain contact with him. You made the choice to meet up with him. You made the choice to have him come to your apartment. You made the choice to sleep with him. These are all choices you've made, and you had the power to do things differently, no matter how much you want to convince yourself that you're just a wilting violet with no control over your own life. You are lying to yourself and setting yourself up for even more pain down the road. You're not being honest with yourself and you're kidding yourself about your own behavior. You're rationalizing and justifying everything, even though you know full well that you yourself don't support your own actions. You're denying the role you play and the actions you're responsible for by playing the role of the incredibly weak, irrational woman who is a slave to her emotions and who is so broken and codependent that her entire self-worth is based on the validation and attention of a lying user. I hope you start exerting some self-control so you can break out of this toxic mess you've been in for almost two decades. I hope you can start to see how extremely self-destructive your behavior is before you harm yourself further. Good luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 When I was in previous relationship with my EX sometimes I was also complaining/whining the matters of his. Human nature is greedy, never satisfied, thus whining is not rare thing. No not all marriages/relationships experience cheating. I've been with SO for over a year and neither has cheated and he has NEVER cheated and neither have I. It's not in our DNA so safe to say the likelihood is very slim. What is being said is if you are the type who views cheating as being OK you will not be on a public forum whining about an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) Just how does a MM that is supposed to go out for a lunch manage to get away for 8 hours with no calls or questions? Perhaps ...no nevermind it won't matter. So other than argue with posters who do have your well being at heart, what do you intend to do now? Why all the cryptic one line responses when you were asked so much? Since he's going to leave for you, you need to keep pushing it. He only has about what? 3 years total invested in her right? So what's holding things up? He married the wrong person (although for SEVENTEEN years he didn't see this is beyond me, and most posters) Didn't you say that he even told you he never thought of you like that before? So okay, not like a sea hag or anything, but you sure must not have registered for him in a romantic way so why on earth THROW YOURSELF at him? Guys aren't stupid they do get women who are desperate and some will thrive on that. Has Josh explained why he was so stupid for SEVENTEEN years? Regardless not like he's been married years and has assets and kids and huge entanglements, I don't see why this can't be wrapped up by Thanksgiving no? I mean why spend fake holidays and buying Christmas presents for his wife when it's YOU he's dying to marry (he's not even divorced yet and is already talking about another marriage man this guy is smooooooth) what's the excuse? This isn't a normal relationship, so the bit about taking the trash out and whose turn? He already has that established, he absolutely doesn't want the ho-hum with you, you need to be hot and spicy. Two years a marriage has settled to be more a routine and seems Josh needs constant thrills. Even *if* you get your prince Josh and that very well could be left up to the wife no matter what it definitely will NOT be your choice you've actively handed over the power of parts of your life to two other people. But anyway a relationship should be equal in power. Both people giving and taking in different areas but both people in love with each other with the same intensity. If one loves more than the other, aka you loving Josh so much more. You are going to have a huge imbalance of power. And that never bodes well. He's going to step all over you to get what he wants and you will take it, but it will take a hit to your self esteem. How do i know Josh doesn't love you the same? Well because it doesn't take someone SEVENTEEN years to know this, it's not like you were teenage sweethearts even and got torn apart (those relationships typically don't last either bc they're based on past fantasy and people that refuse to move on and grow up) You were friend that HE had zero interest and and went off and married someone else. While you never lost interest, so yeah.....serious imbalance there. How does it feel the day after? Are you still on a high because you have plans to see each other for another hidden meeting? That's what this will be unless you get him to step it up. If what you say is true, that he's soooo in love with you and doesn't love her. I see no reason why you should be kept waiting. A month is plenty time enough for someone to tell someone he's in love with someone else. He should be telling her right now, why hold back? Time is not going to make this better or shield the blow, in fact it would make things worse, everyday more with her is built on another lie, so if this is tearing him up so much....What's the hold up. There is no breaking this gently and bit by bit to someone. You don't slowly break up. Tell him you expect him to be moved out and in your arms no later than Thanksgiving (and being you're the missed love of his life that's being generous). Anything less and you've got doormat written all over you and that'll be your choice and Josh knows it. Edited November 5, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed remark 3 Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I never claimed to be the victim. I know that this will probably kill his wife more than it would me, I'm not heartless. I would NEVER do this if i want in love with him. I wouldn't sleep with a married man just for the thrill of it. I have thought about being with him before i even fully understood what that meant. I don't want an affair, i want to marry him, have his children, own a home with, go on vacation with him, i wanna fight with him on who's turn it is to throw out the trash, i want a life with him..not just sex. At this point, i hope that she find out and leaves him. You know your actions will destroy his wife but you're going through with it anyways. One has to be at least somewhat heartless to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 He didn't say he'd never leave her. He said he didn't know. Who can be sure he won't? People change their minds all the time. So now after a few hours with you he is no longer going to stay with his wife. We're going to have lunch, that's all. Just lunch. And i told him I'd meet him at the place. I'm not, i repeat, i am NOT going to have sex with him. Boy Josh is good. He had you eating right out of his hand. The sex was insanely good. Finally your dream came true. We did talk about his marriage. He pretty much said the things you guys said he'd say. "i love you, i well leave her for you, we will get married i promise just give me time" I actually thought of all you guys here and wanted to not believe him, but when he kissed me, i was toast. I didn't stand a chance. Its not that i don't want advice from you guys, i wouldn't have come here if i didn't. I'm just ashamed that I couldn't follow it No Jennifer you wanted to believe every word he said. Let me ask you something. Did he call you today and reaffirm the promises he made to you yesterday? Did he call to check on you and to see if you will be okay with the hurricane coming? Did he worry that you have supplies and shelter? Also did you ask him how much time he will need to break up with his wife and marry you? As someone else said it doesn't take long to do this. He just has to go home and tell his W he is in love with you and will be moving out. You will let him stay with you when this happens won't you? So he doesn't have to worry about a place to live. There is no easy way to break it to his wife so why does he need time? They have no children for him to be concerned with therefore he should be over at your place by the end of next week. Why not? What would be holding him there? If you are truly ashamed you should tell him to make the breakup as soon as possible because it isn't fair what the two of you are doing to his wife. She is young and pretty and deserves to know the truth and still move on with her life, marry and have kids with another man who loves her. If you have any decency at all you will make him do this ASAP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I didn't want an affair, i still don't. I didn't plan this. If someone would've told me two Weeks ago that I'd be having sex with Josh while he was married I'd have said they were insane This wasn't an accident. It was thought out. You went back to your place (or he showed up at your place)..You two could have stayed in a public place. As of now, it's a ONS. If you want it to be an affair, it will be. If you don't want the affair, walk away. It really is that simple. What makes it more complicated is the drama and feelings going on but this still comes down to choices made. An affair is not an unplanned thing. It takes thought, effort and actions. What action do you plan on taking? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 My guess is that cheating is happening in clusters, especially with men who mightnormalize the behavior or even push some otherwise non cheating men into it because that's what everyone does. Mout seems to be living in such an environment, where cheating happens above the % in the statistics. There are people who won't cheat ever. I know both men and women who feel extremely strongly about it and wouldn't stumble upon an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 (edited) No, actually, he hasn't called me. I called him but he didn't answer. He texted me saying he couldn't talk but that he'd call me back later. He still hadn't though. He lives in a food zone, and they got evacuated this afternoon. So i guess that's why he has not call me back. Edited October 29, 2012 by jennifernyc84 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 No, actually, he hasn't called me. I called him but he didn't answer. He texted me saying he couldn't talk but that he'd call me back later. He still hadn't though. He lives in a food zone, and they got evacuated this afternoon. So i guess that's why he not call me back. Yeah, keep rolling with that thought. Is that going to keep you warm tonight? What about all the other lonely nights to follow? You think this is the start of something great and that now you have this great "boyfriend"? You are at the start of an undercover, ugly affair. You are at the start of your self made nightmare. No chance to pretty this up. This is now the life that you chose, own it. How does it feel knowing he couldn't talk? If she means nothing to him he should have been able to find the time to talk to his love. Think Jennifer with your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 No, I consider I am naive person, believing snow-white world even till middle 30s'....but when you grow older, you what....yes be wiser. I see the real world how operating now. There has no infidelity between my parents, or most relatives...etc. My guess is that cheating is happening in clusters, especially with men who mightnormalize the behavior or even push some otherwise non cheating men into it because that's what everyone does. Mout seems to be living in such an environment, where cheating happens above the % in the statistics. There are people who won't cheat ever. I know both men and women who feel extremely strongly about it and wouldn't stumble upon an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 No, actually, he hasn't called me. I called him but he didn't answer. He texted me saying he couldn't talk but that he'd call me back later. He still hadn't though. He lives in a food zone, and they got evacuated this afternoon. So i guess that's why he has not call me back. Are you upset he hasn't called you back? Just wondering how you feel the day after and not hearing from him... Remember (I say this not to hurt you but a little reality check) it takes absolutely no effort to text or pick up the phone. I don't think you're going to like how this goes. Being second fiddle.. Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Dont use woman's logic speaking for a man. Any men given opportunities will........ Also, not knowing does not mean not happening previously. Everyone's lying or manipulation skill/scale is different. Women are so easily to be blindsided, manipulated....... Guess every woman should learn how to out-smart man, or you can learn to be constantly in denial...that is another way to maintain "happy" marriage/relationship/family anyway. Speak for yourself! This woman will never be manipulated! My ex who i thought was the love of my life , the instant i found out he had a gf was the second it was over. I choose to live my life with dignity, integrity and respect , not looking over my shoulder...i am worthy... and i hold tose around me to the same standards. Do others cheat, sure thats their business but by no means the majority. Oh i just asked my bf if he considered cheating he said, hun why would i want a ho like that. ... Not very eloquent his face is plastered to football atm 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 I know that, and that is what I said earlier. Women usually are either being that (ex) Betrayed Spouse that holding grudge, or being (choosing to be) the OWs, or in denial, co-existing with WS to maintain the "happy" marriage. That is how the real world operates. Speak for yourself! This woman will never be manipulated! My ex who i thought was the love of my life , the instant i found out he had a gf was the second it was over. I choose to live my life with dignity, integrity and respect , not looking over my shoulder...i am worthy... and i hold tose around me to the same standards. Do others cheat, sure thats their business but by no means the majority. Oh i just asked my bf if he considered cheating he said, hun why would i want a ho like that. ... Not very eloquent his face is plastered to football atm Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 How can we be? I wish more than anything that we could but that's impossible. Why? other than him not being able to man up, what excuse is there for him to stay if he's not happy? How does it feel to be insignificant to him tonight? Still think you can justify this? Nothing is impossible, divorces are not impossible. Men have walked out, so no Jennifer pretty far from "impossible" Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Are you upset he hasn't called you back? Just wondering how you feel the day after and not hearing from him... Remember (I say this not to hurt you but a little reality check) it takes absolutely no effort to text or pick up the phone. I don't think you're going to like how this goes. Being second fiddle.. sure I'm upset, but i understand that he can't be with me right now. I can't be angry about it. Yeah it hurts, but there's not much that can be done. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 How can we be? I wish more than anything that we could but that's impossible. Jennifer if you were the one he really loved he would be there. He would have went home secured his wife and then made it back to you. This is a very dangerous time in NYC and he couldn't even find 2 minutes in the entire day to call you back. Wouldn't a man in love want to make sure his love is okay in this dangerous weather? Think Jennifer, think. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Why? other than him not being able to man up, what excuse is there for him to stay if he's not happy? How does it feel to be insignificant to him tonight? Still think you can justify this? Nothing is impossible, divorces are not impossible. Men have walked out, so no Jennifer pretty far from "impossible" What am i supposed to do? He said to give him time. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 sure I'm upset, but i understand that he can't be with me right now. I can't be angry about it. Yeah it hurts, but there's not much that can be done. How you feel now? Get used to that feeling. It'll only get worse as time goes on, as you get more and more emotionally attached to him. Stay safe since you're in NYC. Call your parents and take care of them. Your MM aka Josh is fine. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Did you ask him yesterday what was it that changed his mind and made him realize he was in love with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 Jennifer, he has no kids. He can move out next week. I am waiting to see what excuses he'll be giving you. The cat, the dog, the mortgage, the mother in law, his busy job, money. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 sure I'm upset, but i understand that he can't be with me right now. I can't be angry about it. Yeah it hurts, but there's not much that can be done. No Jen not can't he "won't" as in CHOOSES not to. If he wanted to he could, but he knows you will be there hell you've waited years so he has no reason to worry you'll get fed up with crap treatment. You threw all your morals out for him and he knows it he has the upper hand, Now you sit and wait on HIS terms. How very sad for you. He is not choosing you, but you're choosing this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 What am i supposed to do? He said to give him time. Time for what? He has no entanglements. Dragging it out will hurt her worse. So time for what? More lies? How do you reconcile that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Jennifer if you were the one he really loved he would be there. He would have went home secured his wife and then made it back to you. This is a very dangerous time in NYC and he couldn't even find 2 minutes in the entire day to call you back. Wouldn't a man in love want to make sure his love is okay in this dangerous weather? Think Jennifer, think. I've already made my bed, i may as well lay in it. I had sex with him, i can't give up now. I know he's with her, don't you think that's killing me? I'm here alone, waitng for this huge storm, scared as crap. And they're together, and no matter what happens, they have each other. Who do i have? No one. Do you think that feels nice? But what are my other options? There are none. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 Did you ask him yesterday what was it that changed his mind and made him realize he was in love with you? I didn't ask, but he bring it up. He said he's always loved me but that he just couldn't understand whatg love was at that time. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 What am i supposed to do? He said to give him time. How long do you intend to wait? What's a suitable amount of time? Link to post Share on other sites
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