alexandria35 Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Ok, so he left about 40 mins ago. We spent 8 hours together. It was really good. We talked, laughed watched old home movies from when we were kids. Then he kissed me and I'm ashamed to say that we did have sex... I'm so embarrassed..i don't feel bad about it, I'm just really ashamed of myself. I probably won't be posting anymore, thank you guys for your advice. I'm sorry for wasting your time.. I won't bother you guys anymore Well no surprises here. I think we all knew that was gonna happen. I'm more curious about what you two talked about. Did you discuss his marriage? What his plans are? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Ok, so he left about 40 mins ago. We spent 8 hours together. It was really good. We talked, laughed watched old home movies from when we were kids. Then he kissed me and I'm ashamed to say that we did have sex... I'm so embarrassed..i don't feel bad about it, I'm just really ashamed of myself. I probably won't be posting anymore, thank you guys for your advice. I'm sorry for wasting your time.. I won't bother you guys anymore Don't be passive..Do continue posting, but grow a tougher skin because as time goes on, you're going to need a hard shell to help you get through what you're about to go through due to the fact you did what you adamantly said what you said you wouldn't do. Have sex with him. All that is out the window, everything you said before doesn't count. You officially slept with a MM...Josh who said he'd never leave his wife for you, you who said you didn't want to be the OW and you didn't want to hurt his wife by helping him cheat on her. As of now, you're the OW and you're in an affair so what happens next? Don't leave LS, just because you may not hear some stuff that you disagree with or there's harsh words, not a reason to leave unless you don't want advice at all.. If that is the case, come back when things fall apart. You'll need support then. Link to post Share on other sites
weedsandposies Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 (edited) It took courage to update. Props. I don't log on much but I'll just offer advice since most won't agree with this.. .don't tell his wife! Although you'll get the urge to when each time he sees you he goes home to 'her', as he did tonight . However when dday arrives and she wants answers, be truthful. Don't let mm talk you into lying to her. You probably won't see his face again but you'll live with your conscience forever. Take care. Edited October 28, 2012 by weedsandposies Link to post Share on other sites
Mount Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Very well said Tara, as well as "whichwayisup" posted. Jennifer you can post here honestly, even your situation now is in Affair. People here will give me different insights, may eventually help you out. Can't you lighten up a bit on her, ThatJustHappened? Who are you to say she deserves what's coming? Don't take things out on people like Jennifer because your husband cheated on you. Jennifer is weak. She made a mistake. She will find out the hard way that Josh is using her for sex on the side, and he will always put his wife first, and Jennifer will get whatever crumbs are left over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Share Posted October 28, 2012 We did talk about his marriage. He pretty much said the things you guys said he'd say. "i love you, i well leave her for you, we will get married i promise just give me time" I actually thought of all you guys here and wanted to not believe him, but when he kissed me, i was toast. I didn't stand a chance. Its not that i don't want advice from you guys, i wouldn't have come here if i didn't. I'm just ashamed that I couldn't follow it Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Jenny, he played you like a fiddle. And he used your feelings and your emotions against you. OF COURSE you caved and believed him. I'm sure he was very convincing. Here's the test to see how he is going to react. (You don't have to do it, but he doesn't know that you aren't going to, let him believe that you might) Tell him that you're going to call or go see his wife because you love him and it's only fair for her to know what she's up against. JUST See how he reacts.. If you're going to enjoy the A, let it be just that. No hope or expectations. He is telling you what you want to hear, aka grooming you for being the OW. If he truly loved you in the way you believe he does, he never would have had sex with you, he'd be home instantly after talking to you and he'd be talking to his wife, figuring out a quick and as painlessly possible to end his marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 First off, you are not the first woman who has fallen for the old crush, do not feel guilty for that. In fact, nobody here has any right to judge you or discourage you for not taking their advice. Should you have slept with him? Judging (ha!) from your obvious internal guild I'd say you know it might not have been the best decision. But, you did and and what are you going to do about it? Are you going to keep sleeping with him? Is he leaving his wife? Better yet, was it all talk or is he actually going to buckle down and do it? Why is he suddenly interested in you? Is his marriage going south, did he have an epiphany and decide "geez, the girl I want has always been there" or are you just convenient? You need to figure out what you want, what he wants, and whether it is all worth it. Do not rely on anyone else's opinion. Don't rely on mine or anyone else's here. It's all opinion. Only you know what he said and what that means. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I'm just ashamed that I couldn't follow it You wanted it to happen. If you really didn't, then it wouldn't have happened. It's not about disappointing us, that shouldn't matter..What should matter is YOU. How now you can sleep at night, how you feel about yourself. How people who are in your daily life feel. Family, and close friends.. I say, tell them what has happened and be honest about it. At least this way with them you're not hiding anything and not going to be his dirty secret to YOUR friends and family. Own your choices too. You chose this and now the A has started. Question, do you have in it you to walk away now? Even after having sex with him? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 We did talk about his marriage. He pretty much said the things you guys said he'd say. "i love you, i well leave her for you, we will get married i promise just give me time" I actually thought of all you guys here and wanted to not believe him, but when he kissed me, i was toast. I didn't stand a chance. Its not that i don't want advice from you guys, i wouldn't have come here if i didn't. I'm just ashamed that I couldn't follow it Don't stop posting. So many of us have been where you are. Most of us - where you are - didn't take the advice either. It's hard, from your end. From our end, it's hard to see one more person get in line for the ultimate train wreck. That's the reason you received the replies you did. Don't be afraid to post. Whatever happens. You will receive understanding from those who have been there. And support if and when you need it in the future. Thanks for your honesty in the face of a whole lot of different opinions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Share Posted October 28, 2012 You wanted it to happen. If you really didn't, then it wouldn't have happened. It's not about disappointing us, that shouldn't matter..What should matter is YOU. How now you can sleep at night, how you feel about yourself. How people who are in your daily life feel. Family, and close friends.. I say, tell them what has happened and be honest about it. At least this way with them you're not hiding anything and not going to be his dirty secret to YOUR friends and family. Own your choices too. You chose this and now the A has started. Question, do you have in it you to walk away now? Even after having sex with him? I don't know if i can walk away, i wanna give him a chance to deal with his wife. Which way is up suggested i threaten to tell her myself, but i don't want to scare him away. I've dreamed of being with Josh for years, and it was amazing to finally get to have every bit of him..nothing held back, even if it was only for a little while. But for that while, he was mine..not hers. But i never thought it'd be in this way..i hate that this is what its come to, but it happened.. Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 He wasn't really yours though was he? He was still hers. Their vows were still there. That ring was still on his finger. He went home to her or whatever. He wasn't yours. You were, and I hate to say this, just a substitution for her. I'm sorry, but having been in your shoes and knowing the frustration when you slept with him you didn't really take him from her. You just borrowed him. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Even when he was with you, he is not yours..He's hers because they are married. It's a false pretense and something over time you probably won't be able to handle. He'll leave your bed and go home to his bed with her in it, waiting for him. Either accept it all, accept your role in his life as the OW, enjoy it while it lasts, lower your expectations and let it be JUST an affair, or end it now. I am telling you, this man is NOT leaving his wife for you. He just wants an affair. Ask him if he still has sex with his wife. Ask him if they plan on having children. Let's say in 2 months he tells you "my wife is pregnant." how are you going to feel? Would you end it and walk away from him then? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 ^^ If you read anything. Read that post. Because you will feel like crap. If you stay and you don't bring anything up and you cave and don't question whether you can truly be his mistress for God knows how long then think about that. I was there once. My ex-mm told me his wife was pregnant and it sucked. It hurt and it feels like your heart is breaking because that bond you think you have and that feeling that the two of you share that she can't touch? That she doesn't get? Yeah, she just shattered it. Because, you are insignificant in that moment and it is humiliating and painful and devastating. I take it back what I said before. I'm giving advice and I'm asking you to listen. Don't let it get to that point. If he loves you, and I'm not doubting that he doesn't, force him to choose and if he chooses her do not go back. Being the mistress is romantic at first. The lying, the emotion, the star-crossed lovers phenomenon, but it is exhausting and it hurts people and it destroys relationships. It wasted years of my life and I am back into a relationship with him! I know everyone is different, but is a bit of fleeting happiness really worth the pain it will and already has caused you? Is that one moment of sex worth more than your dignity? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Share Posted October 28, 2012 I asked if they planned on having kids, he says they aren't even trying trying yet. Then he told me he wants to have children with me, he said he wants to have grandchildren with me.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Share Posted October 28, 2012 He said he doesn't want an affair , he said if he did, he would've just picked up any girl. He said he'd never cheapen whatwe have. He said he respect me. Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Jennifer, He can definitely have children with you, but are those children going to be born out of wedlock, because he's still married and from what you've said he's said he wants to marry you! But, he's unsure if he's leaving his wife. He needs to make his mind up. Not tonight, that won't happen, but soon. Don't let it go til D-day. Again, I hate to say this, but if he respected you he would at least leave his wife for you. MM are not respecting you by honoring you with the title of the OW. Right now, it's hard to see. But one day those rose-colored glasses are going to come off and you're going to see that that is not respect. It's a mutually destructive relationship. He may love you, but he does NOT respect you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 He said he doesn't want an affair , he said if he did, he would've just picked up any girl. He said he'd never cheapen whatwe have. He said he respect me. How has he SHOWN you that he has respected you? Words mean nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 He said he doesn't want an affair Then why is he having one with you, maybe others he said if he did, he would've just picked up any girl Nah that would've been too much work He said he'd never cheapen whatwe have. He said he respect me. What's cheaper than having sex with a married man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Jennifer, from what you've said he's said he wants to marry you! But, he's unsure if he's leaving his wife. He wants to marry her but he's unsure if he wants to leave his wife? Who would possibly take that seriously? Who on earth would stay in such a 'relationship', unless they had zero self-esteem? Jennifer, please get out. Link to post Share on other sites
ilovedhim Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 I asked if they planned on having kids, he says they aren't even trying trying yet. Then he told me he wants to have children with me, he said he wants to have grandchildren with me.. The operative word being yet. Really he wants you to mother his children? Try telling youre preggers in a few weeks. Lol. Let's see how he handles it. Link to post Share on other sites
SecretFlower Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 ^^ That's my point. He and his wife are going through a rough patch (her word's not mine) he won't commit to her, but he also won't give her a resounding no that he isn't divorcing his wife. He's stringing her along. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 The operative word being yet. Really he wants you to mother his children? Try telling youre preggers in a few weeks. Lol. Let's see how he handles it. My true love - the MM I still love more than anyone, even though we haven't had contact, and never will again - wanted me to be a mother to his children. After a few years into the A, I became pregnant... he broke up with me shortly before that... I lost the baby late in the pregnancy. Alone. He was with his wife then. I have no words to express the pain that this caused. If your M is married he will NOT be with you, no matter what happens. He will be with his W when it comes down to it. I don't care how many years he said otherwise... how many thousands of times he said "I Love you" or how many hundreds of times you made love to him. In the end, it will be his W who wins. Don't make the mistake I did... and so many others have. I know now it seems like you will win. But you won't, not in the long run, not if he is married. Trust me... after the years of this kind of thing, it hurts SO much more than it would now for you to end it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jennifernyc84 Posted October 28, 2012 Author Share Posted October 28, 2012 The operative word being yet. Really he wants you to mother his children? Try telling youre preggers in a few weeks. Lol. Let's see how he handles it. lmao! Good point Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 Ok, so he left about 40 mins ago. We spent 8 hours together. It was really good. We talked, laughed watched old home movies from when we were kids. Then he kissed me and I'm ashamed to say that we did have sex... I'm so embarrassed..i don't feel bad about it, I'm just really ashamed of myself. I probably won't be posting anymore, thank you guys for your advice. I'm sorry for wasting your time.. I won't bother you guys anymore Real loving behavior doesn't include such negative emotions as embarrassment and self shaming. I'm left wondering why you seem to have two personalities. The one who knows what she should do and the other who does those things knowing what harm it causes. You need serious counseling. Self destructive behavior - work on that. Ps... He won't leave his wife - they lie to get sex from their OW (that's you). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 He said he doesn't want an affair , he said if he did, he would've just picked up any girl. He said he'd never cheapen whatwe have. He said he respect me. So I'm assuming you've seen the divorce papers by now since he's claiming he doesn't want an affair..has he moved out of his house yet? Is he just going to move straight into your place? Link to post Share on other sites
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