5 years and I am stupid

[mishy]

I have posted here on Loveshack many times over the past 5 years about this same guy

 

But now its actually over, and i need help processing and to stop feeling so absolutely horrible

 

I thank anyone who is reading this, i really need someone to lean on now, or some words of advice. I just feel so so bad.

 

I had been seeing someone for 5 years, actually 5 years tomorrow it would have been since i first met him. It was always just a casual thing, but a bit more than that. We weren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was 5 years, so it was a bit more than most casual things maybe.

 

Anyway I love him. and probably have for a long time. And (probably stupidly) i was faithful to him, and openly told him i wasn't sleeping with other people.

 

We saw each other quite a lot, and then a year ago he lost his job and had to end up taking this crazy bus driving job which mean't he was out of town pretty much every week. Sometimes for 2 weeks at a time.

 

So this year I have only seen him 3 times. The last time i slept with him was February. But even when he was away he made it clear he still wanted me, and i told him i would wait as long as it took, as long as he was away, or whatever. I told him this many times, and he knew, and he was happy with it.

 

he didn't tell me to go find someone else and to not wait. He knew. I think you know where this is heading.

 

Often we would exchange photos as a way of not forgetting our connection. And he would text me saying things of a sexual nature to let me know how he still felt. This is all up until probably a week ago. Except actually even on Saturday he texted me something.

 

So yesterday i asked him something via text and this is what i get back:

 

"Sorry happy to help you with cupboard but no more pics to or from yes I have met someone that's why.

Nothing serious yet

But doing right thing"

 

 

The right thing????????

 

 

Ok to give you an indication of how i felt, this is what happened next.

 

The cupboard is referring to a kitchen renovation i am doing, its at the stage hwre i am pulling down a lot of cabinets, but i got stuck and couldnt budge them and he was supposed to be coming over to take them down.

 

So anyway. i get the text and call him and ask how long ago he met her. he was fuzzy on it, but it seems a couple of weeks, and he met her by chance. I get off the phone after just a few seconds of talking and i go and change clothes. Picked up the crowbar and in about 5 seconds brought the whole cabinets and shelving down. Almighty crash. Unscrewed it all and threw it over the balcony. I have no idea how i even lifted it.

 

Have been crying ever since. Spoke to him on the phone a few times since, at first acting like i was happy for him, to try and stay in control of my emotions, or maybe i was just in shock.

 

I texted him telling him, i waited for him for 8 months, and he knew i was waiting etc etc. To all of that he said nothing.

 

And then i asked well i mean what happens to me now? We go from daily contact to now nothing??? i mean what am i now?? and this is the text i get back:

 

"text every now and then ok"

 

 

 

So 5 yrs of faithfulness and now I am shafted. 8 months of waiting and i get rewarded with this? Some whoever he met 2 weeks ago?

 

Honestly i feel so sick and sad and FURIOUS i dont even know what to do

 

On the phone he said that he can still help with a few renovation things I am doing, as he said he would do that before he met "Miss Two Weeks" as i like to call her.

 

But I almost feel like by doing that he is keeping me there in case it doesnt work out with her. Keeping me on ice.

 

The thought of him coming over and flexing his muscles around the place and me looking at him knowing what he is doing with her, and not being able to touch him, it is something i could not bear.

 

Thats how long ago he met her, 2 or 3 weeks ago. Only two weeks ago we were talking about me going away on one of his regular overnight bus trips up to the country. And now I am shafted for someone he met 2 weeks ago.

Edited October 15, 2012 by mishy

[ellowmay]

Dude that sucks so bad. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I feel like reading this was like watching a horrible train accident or something or like those horrible sports videos you see where you know someone is about to get horribly maimed but there's nothing you can do...

 

Anyway, besides rambling, I have to say that I am curious to know how he kept you in this loop for 5 years like this. Was HE faithful? Was HE committed and interested in YOUR wellbeing? From your story it doesn't sound like he was. He was only looking out for his own interests, which apparently are shallow and selfish.

 

I would definitely say he's not worth spending a moment longer trying to wait for or fix the "relationship" with. It's time for damage control, and now it's all about you. You are important, more important than him at this point. It's your health and your heart that are in danger with this, so it's time to be your own knight in shining armor. As much as any well-meaning stranger like myself would like to be someone for you to "lean on" as you say, this is simply not realistic. However, people on forums like this can be a great source of encouragement and fellowship, so take heart human! There is at least one person here who sympathizes with your cause.

 

Build yourself up in this. Know that even though you may have mad a mistake here that got you hurt, it doesn't change the other person's fault in this as well. You deserve better, and you can give that to yourself. I hope you feel better in the future...I would definitely be freaking out too, so I'm not gonna tell you to get over it lol

 

That isht sucks!

[mishy]

Dude that sucks so bad. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I feel like reading this was like watching a horrible train accident or something or like those horrible sports videos you see where you know someone is about to get horribly maimed but there's nothing you can do...

 

Anyway, besides rambling, I have to say that I am curious to know how he kept you in this loop for 5 years like this. Was HE faithful? Was HE committed and interested in YOUR wellbeing? From your story it doesn't sound like he was. He was only looking out for his own interests, which apparently are shallow and selfish.

 

I would definitely say he's not worth spending a moment longer trying to wait for or fix the "relationship" with. It's time for damage control, and now it's all about you. You are important, more important than him at this point. It's your health and your heart that are in danger with this, so it's time to be your own knight in shining armor. As much as any well-meaning stranger like myself would like to be someone for you to "lean on" as you say, this is simply not realistic. However, people on forums like this can be a great source of encouragement and fellowship, so take heart human! There is at least one person here who sympathizes with your cause.

 

Build yourself up in this. Know that even though you may have mad a mistake here that got you hurt, it doesn't change the other person's fault in this as well. You deserve better, and you can give that to yourself. I hope you feel better in the future...I would definitely be freaking out too, so I'm not gonna tell you to get over it lol

 

That isht sucks!

 

thanks, i appreciate your post, and its funny, you are right it was a train wreck just waiting to happen

 

I dont know how he kept me in the loop. I just fell in love with him, and it got to the stage where i was just accepting scraps. My previous threads outline all the gory details.

At the moment i am trying to keep thoughts of him with his 2 week old girlfriend out of my head.

 

I am also perplexed by what he means when he says his thing with him is nothing serious yet, and i feel like thats why he is keeping me on ice, (regarding saying he'll still come over to help me with stuff)

 

I dont think i could even look at him right now and not cry

[mishy]

i outlined very clearly in a text today exactly how i felt about it

 

Texted him that i am hurt because i have waited for 8 months for him because of his job and that he KNEW i was waiting because we talked about it, I told him i was waiting, and pretty much that i was waiting unconditionally. He knew.

 

he didnt reply just told me not to text about it and that he will contact me about coming over to do the jobs here

 

??

[ellowmay]

Having not read the "gory details" I cannot say for sure, but he sounds super checked out. If he was willing to wait that long holding your heart, knowing you trusted him to carry it, only to cast it out so easily for Miss Two Weeks, it seems obvious that he does not care about your pain. Maybe you should try to detach a little bit from it, just for your own sake, and only in the sense that when you deal with him don't try to beg or plead or maybe even ask wtf this is all about. Just say "that's how he has decided to be." and try to damage control for yourself as best you can.

 

Sounds like he wouldn't offer an explanation even if you begged and pleaded and cried and screamed at him.

[mishy]

Having not read the "gory details" I cannot say for sure, but he sounds super checked out. If he was willing to wait that long holding your heart, knowing you trusted him to carry it, only to cast it out so easily for Miss Two Weeks, it seems obvious that he does not care about your pain. Maybe you should try to detach a little bit from it, just for your own sake, and only in the sense that when you deal with him don't try to beg or plead or maybe even ask wtf this is all about. Just say "that's how he has decided to be." and try to damage control for yourself as best you can.

 

Sounds like he wouldn't offer an explanation even if you begged and pleaded and cried and screamed at him.

 

 

i probably wont be seeing him for anything, i have to make this the end. I cannot put myself through being around him. I dont even want to look at him. He might text about helping out with the house jobs but i can't look at him knowing he is with Miss two Weeks. Not after 5 years of everytime i see him being all over each other.

 

I had told him i need time to get used to the idea of him witha girlfriend, but for what??? Whats the point? It will just kill me to even be in the same room as him.

 

I did my crying to his answering machine last night. Low point that was.

[mishy]

This is the other thing. He might be lying.

 

About 4 or 5 months after i met him he pretended to be out of town and told me he met someone that he might want to develop a relationship with. He had gone away for work and we had spoken on the phone during the time he was away and he was describing everything about the trip etc. And then he sort of suggested i go down for a visit and then he said the "but ive met someone"

 

I was upset at hearing that, and it kind of went similar to yesterday- me upset, etc telling him i was upset...

 

Then by a really weird twist i found out the whole trip and the whole "met someone" thing was a complete lie.

 

For some reason though i went into denial, because his lie was so brilliantly contructed and executed, that i thought surely how could anyone be so cunning?

 

 

So this afternoon, it occurred to me, could he be doing it again? Does he enjoy the reaction?

 

what a mind****

[mammasita]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I do think you need to cut ties and move on.

 

About 5 years ago, I was in a "relationship" with a man that did similar to me. He never commited and said from the beginning that he had never been faithful but I knew, I just KNEW that he wouldn't do the same to me. BIG mistake.

 

Unfortunately, I think he only did to you what you allowed him to do and will continue to take advantage of the feelings that he knows you have for him.

 

IMO, 5 years is WAY to long to carry on without a commitment.

[mishy]

i know mammasita , 5 years without a commitment and now he is happy to commit to someone else after just a couple of weeks!

 

that is what makes my heart sting. I just think about it and my chest aches.

 

what was i thinking?

 

When he first TEXTED me to tell me, I told him i want him to be happy but thats complete rubbish. I was in shock for a couple of hours where i pretended i was happy for him. Bu then came the anger and then the tears and then the crying on the phone. I was a hot mess.

 

He said that it is "nothing serious yet"

 

So what i think is going to happen is he will get to know her a bit, find something trivial wrong with her, and then it will fizzle out. meanwhile he has me on ice (because of my household renovations he was to help with) and in two weeks it will be like nothing happened.

 

OR they'll get married and live happily ever after.

 

Seriously, i hope she cheats on him and drags his sorry heart through the mud, and he gets a taste of his own medicine. I really want her to hurt him. Because i am hurt.

[mammasita]

Yes, it sucks. I know.

 

With the man I dated, he "fell in love" with this woman he met while he was TDY (military). Cheated on me with her, I found out and eventually when I had my wits about me, dumped him. He begged and pleaded for me to take him back but it was only so he could have his cake and eat it too.

 

Once he gave up begging and pleading he proposed to her and had plans on moving her back to the US. Well, funny thing is that man couldn't keep his penis in his pants. He was cheating on her too.

 

Not sure how this is completely relevant to your story lol.....but the moral of the story is to stand your ground and show him that he can't walk all over you.....feelings or not.

[mishy]

oh that sucks, but good on you for standing yoru ground.

 

I currently don't have much ground. he doesnt want me to text him about how he has 'done me wrong" and said he will text me when he can come over to help with stuff.

 

So i have all these angry little feelings and speeches swirling about in my head, but its pointless telling him, so far he hasnt acknowledged any of it.

 

So he will text, but i wont be able to bring myself to see him.

I can't look at him knowing what he is doing with Miss two weeks. It makes me ill.

[Own Worst Enemy]

you have got to think self-preservation here. there are cats roasting away in hell with a better chance than he has got of coming over to appease his conscience by carrying out some handywork at your place.

 

i don't think you should feel bad. firstly, you acted out of love. secondly, you can't undo it. but think how bad you will feel if you waste the next 5 years on him. for that reason, you have got to cut every single tie with him.

 

xx

[mishy]

you have got to think self-preservation here. there are cats roasting away in hell with a better chance than he has got of coming over to appease his conscience by carrying out some handywork at your place.

 

i don't think you should feel bad. firstly, you acted out of love. secondly, you can't undo it. but think how bad you will feel if you waste the next 5 years on him. for that reason, you have got to cut every single tie with him.

 

xx

 

I think he is just doing it because he said he would before. But maybe it is about making himself feel better.

 

I acted out of nothing but love and stupidity. I waited for months and he KNEW i was waiting, he KNEW!!!!!! I made sure i told him that in the text i sent this morning. If he knows nothing else i want him to know that that is the reason i am so hurt.

 

i texted this about 12 hrs ago:

 

"the reason i am so hurt is that i waited for you and i kept telling you i was and you knew. I waited 8 months and you were happy for me to do so. I am just so hurt i cant even put it into words. I waited for you unconditionally. And you knew i was doing that"

 

 

He didnt reply, only later saying he will contact me about the work and not to text about "this"

 

I needed to get that off my chest

 

Anoethr 5 years!!!! oh my god, that coudl so easily have happened

[Leigh 87]

Just sending you some support and encouragement your way.

 

I often read the break up section, as .... I know it sounds awful, but it makes me appreciate my own partner SO much.

 

I cannot fathom having a one sided relationship with a man for 5 years........ I experienced guy who were not into me in high school for a few weeks at most, so I have really no idea what YOU must be going through:(

 

I see clever, worthy women like you, letting guys treat them like cr@p. I ask myself, why?

I am really baffled by it. It took me finding a guy who treats me well, to come onto these forums and think "WTF is going on here... why would someone be able to stick with a guy for...5 years, and feel happy?"

 

Surely you knew he was not all there? Or was he a very good actor? Another poster, KatZee (check out her posts and threads if you care to) was also dating a guy who was the best actor, and everyone thougth they were the best couple, only for him to cheat.

 

Was your partner also very convincing like KatZee's? Or did ytou just put up with a hald baked relationship knowingly, because you loved him? I doubt you felt he was 100% into it, I can tell from the tone of your post.

 

So, your story is among MANY where perfectly great women get treated like cr@p, dumped out of no where, among other horrible things guys can do!

Your among good company:( SO don't feel silly about letting him do what he did! I have been with men who were not totally into me either, it took me until 25 to find the right one.

 

Your being very strong actually, your letting your feelings out, and thinking about a future without letting this happen again.

 

Plenty of women are never able to leave these types of destructive relationships, and takes the guy back because they just have not had the help and guidance they needed from others who KNOW better...

 

Lucky for you, you were smart and sought our support, and now you definately KNOW he is scum, and to not look back!

 

It will be a hard time for you, and I wish you well.

 

Just think how fabulous you will feel on the other side! He will probably crawl back to you too! *Sigh* although of course, you will happily take it as an ego boost, and then send him on his way to get his next victim:mad:

[mishy]

thanks Leigh

 

I dont know, 5 years just happened. I just kept hanging on.

 

The worst part of this is randomly when i wake up during the night i will get a stab in my heart visualising his text where he says he has met someone, it will just flash across my brain.

 

And i have all tehse questions that are just going to make me more upset by asking. How long ago did he really meet her? blah blah Has it really only been 2 or 3 weeks???

 

I have decided that i can't find out anything more, The information i have now is enough.

 

So that includes not finding out if they actually make a proper relationship out of it (because at the moemnt he is telling me its nothing serious yet)

 

I don't want to know. If they end up really together i dont want to know about it. And luckily i wont have to find out, and that will be pretty easy to avoid. The information i have now is hurtful enough.

 

Honestly knowing him, it will just fizzle out or he'll do something selfish to piss her off . But i don't want to know if it works out. So that also means that if it doesnt work out, I wont know that either.

 

I justcant bear the pain of knowing they really are in a relationship. Just these initial stages are bad enough

 

It physically hurts

 

 

And heres a question. What does nothing serious yet even mean???

Edited October 15, 2012 by mishy

[Berna]

You wrote

 

I had been seeing someone for 5 years, actually 5 years tomorrow it would have been since i first met him. It was always just a casual thing, but a bit more than that. We weren't technically boyfriend and girlfriend, but it was 5 years, so it was a bit more than most casual things maybe.

 

I am so sorry hun, but it was heading that way. I wander how you've managed to stay 5 years with this person.

 

He is bad news. You deserve someone better. Don't torture yourself anymore.

[mishy]

You wrote

 

 

 

I am so sorry hun, but it was heading that way. I wander how you've managed to stay 5 years with this person.

 

He is bad news. You deserve someone better. Don't torture yourself anymore.

 

I am attempting self preservation, and i can do that if i dont get any further info on their relationship. Ofcourse iwould LOVE to hear he is no longer seeing her, but if i am to not know if things turned out then i am to not know if it failed.

 

I have been a fool. that is clear

[mishy]

he is going to text about coming over to do some work, but i am in the process of organising tradesmen to do it, because i just cannot face him. It is too painful.

 

If he comes over, we will obviously talk about it, and i just dont want to hear him talk about this woman, or that it is working out between them. It will be too much to handle. It hurts so much. Why did i wait for him for 8 months???? WHY????????? He KNEW i was waiting!

[mishy]

i keep getting these waves of almost panic and dread when i think about what has happened. Its horrible

 

i just want to not feel anything, and not care.

 

I am just so angry with him, and the thought of him being physical with her just kills me

[pteromom]

Hmmmmmmm. You haven't had sex since February. You have only seen him three times this year.

 

The question you should be asking is why you would be willing to settle for someone who puts ZERO effort into building a relationship with you.

 

I wouldn't be mad at him. I would be mad at yourself for wasting 5 years on this excuse for a relationship.

 

He is doing you a HUGE favor with Miss Two Weeks. You will know that in time.

[pteromom]

And even if he is lying, and hasn't really met someone, what kind of A-HOLE lies about something like that, knowing he is hurting someone else?

 

You are better off without him either way.

[mishy]

Hmmmmmmm. You haven't had sex since February. You have only seen him three times this year.

 

The question you should be asking is why you would be willing to settle for someone who puts ZERO effort into building a relationship with you.

 

I wouldn't be mad at him. I would be mad at yourself for wasting 5 years on this excuse for a relationship.

 

He is doing you a HUGE favor with Miss Two Weeks. You will know that in time.

 

I know its been a while, but we have been in daily contact since.

 

I don't know how this happened. I know I made a mistake and probably should have ended it long ago, but i didn't, we just kept seeing each other.

[mishy]

And even if he is lying, and hasn't really met someone, what kind of A-HOLE lies about something like that, knowing he is hurting someone else?

 

You are better off without him either way.

 

 

 

He has done it before, lied about meeting someone, but ofcourse there was always a doubt that maybe my source was wrong. Basically at that time, he just sat back and watched me get upset over it. Then a few months later he came back

 

And thats what happened this time. So i have effectively demonstrated my feelings for him, and he thinks he has me there on ice in case things dont work out with Miss Two Weeks. The "ice" part is basically having the option of contacting me re the house jobs and worming back in that way

 

The whole explanation he gave was weird, because on one hand he was saying it was "nothing serious yet", and "im just telling you whats going on, nothing more nothing less"

 

So he has caused all this upset for something that reallly doesnt sound very established. Anyway i dont want to know what happens with it, whether it works out or not. I just dont want to know

Edited October 15, 2012 by mishy

[mishy]

im so angry

 

Really REALLY trying to resist the urge to text to ask questions. I mean has this been going on for months? not weeks? I know im not going to get any answers though, and even if i do, it will probably be a lie!

[geegirl]

im so angry

 

Really REALLY trying to resist the urge to text to ask questions. I mean has this been going on for months? not weeks? I know im not going to get any answers though, and even if i do, it will probably be a lie!

 

I went back and looked through your threads. There was one two years ago where you said you felt like a hooker.

 

The thing is, there was nothing about your interaction (I can't call it a relationship because it wasn't) with him that warrants you asking questions. You didn't have a relationship with him. When you choose to interact with someone having zero boundaries and zero expectations for yourself, you give up the right to make demands.

 

You expected exclusivity but how realistic is it to expect it from someone that you've seen 3 times in a year and sex 10 months ago? How realistic is it to believe he's going to be loyal to you when he's dragged you for 5 years leaving you feeling low enough at one point to feel like a hooker?

 

You believed his words. You failed to seal those words with actions.

 

When you set the bar really low for yourself, you don't get people wanting to aim high for you. They give you what you believe YOU deserve.

 

Please do not contact him. He's already ignored your attempts to get answers. Find your self-respect and try to hold on, please. Go back and read your old threads. Rather than ponder on him, what about you felt this was the best path for you?