Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[Tara247]

I think the biggest problem Gary is going to face with this situation is reconciling the kind of woman he thought his wife was with the kind of woman she actually is. A decent woman wouldn't do something like this. She isn't marriage material. What she did with her lover was akin to spitting in his face. It was both total disrespect and a gross act of betrayal.

[meandmyself]

I think the biggest problem Gary is going to face with this situation is reconciling the kind of woman he thought his wife was with the kind of woman she actually is. A decent woman wouldn't do something like this. She isn't marriage material. What she did with her lover was akin to spitting in his face. It was both total disrespect and a gross act of betrayal.

 

I couldn't agree more with you!!! We are not talking about casual sex, you need to have very little respect for your husband to do that kind of things with another man....there are very few things more disgusting that the idea she was doing all that kind of things and going home and kissing her daughters with the mouth she just used to drink that other man sperma (I don't care how good she washed hersef after that)... sorry but it disgust me in a manner I can't even describe...

Look Gary, for love I could forgive a casual sex intercourse (one time) with factors like drinking, etc. It would be dam difficult for me but sometimes you can forgive some things for love... but the kind of "things" your wife has done and during 2.5 monhts !...

 

I don't know how sorry she says she is but I can't get any kind of compassion in my heart towards her... and you need to have a strong stomach to be able to digest everything that she has done to you... Please don't try to think that you were often not at home, etc (nothing justifies what she has done to you and less the level of degradation she got with that man). If it would be me I could not put an eye on her without getting the metal picture of her covered on this other man fluids... well I think I got that point straight by now...

[worldgonewrong]

The thing is, Gary's wife wanted this OM totally & completely, in a manner that was meant to be sacred under the vow of marriage. She pursued that selfishly, aggressively, single-mindedly and got what she wanted, and multiple times.

Now, she wants something different. Tomorrow, it could be something else.

 

The question Gary needs to ask is: what does HE want?

I feel nothing but pain for him.

He wants his old life back, but now it's deeply been altered. It will never be the same. And all he has are her assurances that she can go back and make it the same. Getting a promise from a woman who has broken the deepest promise of all. It's tragic.

But I believe Gary can and will prevail.

[meandmyself]

I

 

I guess one of your problems is that your ego is acting as a big barrier in your being able to reconcile. If that is so then you have to make a choice between ego and reconciling with your wife. What ever you choose do it quickly and decisively and move forward. You have already wasted a lot of your precious time wallowing in possible self pity. I wish you the best in what ever you choose.

 

You got to be kidding, I guess you need to make a difference between ego and self respect... have you read what this woman did (for a period of 2.5 months) with the OM? Can you imagine something more humillating? For me is difficult to think.

[road]

I couldn't agree more with you!!! We are not talking about casual sex, you need to have very little respect for your husband to do that kind of things with another man....there are very few things more disgusting that the idea she was doing all that kind of things and going home and kissing her daughters with the mouth she just used to drink that other man sperma (I don't care how good she washed hersef after that)... sorry but it disgust me in a manner I can't even describe...

Look Gary, for love I could forgive a casual sex intercourse (one time) with factors like drinking, etc. It would be dam difficult for me but sometimes you can forgive some things for love... but the kind of "things" your wife has done and during 2.5 monhts !...

 

I don't know how sorry she says she is but I can't get any kind of compassion in my heart towards her... and you need to have a strong stomach to be able to digest everything that she has done to you... Please don't try to think that you were often not at home, etc (nothing justifies what she has done to you and less the level of degradation she got with that man). If it would be me I could not put an eye on her without getting the metal picture of her covered on this other man fluids... well I think I got that point straight by now...

 

 

I do not know why you are here. If you have not been a WS or a BS, not have the knowledge on how to end affairs, and go about recovery telling people to divorce a wife goes against that 78% of marriages survive an affair.

 

Post dday there are ways to make the marriage better then before. Then there is rug sweeping. Rug sweeping never works.

[BetrayedH]

You got to be kidding, I guess you need to make a difference between ego and self respect... have you read what this woman did (for a period of 2.5 months) with the OM? Can you imagine something more humillating? For me is difficult to think.

 

Most people say they would immediately dump a cheater. Most are wrong.

[meandmyself]

I do not know why you are here. If you have not been a WS or a BS, not have the knowledge on how to end affairs, and go about recovery telling people to divorce a wife goes against that 78% of marriages survive an affair.

 

Post dday there are ways to make the marriage better then before. Then there is rug sweeping. Rug sweeping never works.

 

Well, first let me apologize for my bad English, I am not an English native speaker. Second think I would like to say I don't know what WS or BS stand for but I can tell you that I have been cheated, and in the bad way (meaning I did not find out till she was leaving me for the other guy) so I did not have a chance to decide if I wanted to stay with her or not as she left. Once she left I realized everyone but me seemed to know about their affair... Would have I forgive her?? I will never know, I can only say that I loved her above of all and the loss of her company is a pain I still can't endure... even more than the pain of knowing that she cheated on me... Therefore in one of my posts I told Gary that the love of not having someone can be much worse than the one of the mental movies... I still don't know where did you get the fact that I was not either cheated or cheater.... Actually I don't think you know me at all...

Ok once that part is clear, I would like to say that I am NO ONE to say to Gary to divorce or not, is 100% up to him, the only things that I can't handle and that hurt me when I read is that here we are not speaking about casual sex (not even regular sex) we are talking about his wife giving herself to the other guy in ways that pass my capacity to accept and maybe I have been a bit too graphic but Gary's problem (he has said it many times) is mostly the mental videos he has with what his wife has told him, my point is that I can understand that.... What she did was way far worse than cheating up to my point of view... even in cheating there are different levels... at least that is my humble opinion... not worse not better than yours... just my opinion.

[meandmyself]

Most people say they would immediately dump a cheater. Most are wrong.

 

Mmmm I don't know where do you read in that quote that I would immediately dump anyone... I think what Gary did taking his time to think is the best way to confront the facts... you need to weight what you have and will lose if you leave against your capacity of digesting your situation....

 

To beguine with his wife confessed, that is good, she is trying to amend, that is also good, but all that does not change the facts and that is what I am trying to point out... you can forgive and forget or not but you need to have your eyes good opened, and his wife did not just have an affair, she gave herself in a way far more that what you do in a normal casual sex out... that level of intimacy is what worries me and what I try to point out...

 

Will he stay... will he leave... totally up to him, is his weight scale the one that will mesure all this but he needs to have the facts right...

 

a) it was not his fault, not at all!! In any way he can take part of responsibility on this.

b) It is possible (very possible) that there was more than physical sex, the level of intimacy was very big.

c) She confessed but only after 2.5 months of continuous cheating.

 

I hope my points get now clarify because I don't know why but I feel like if I would need to defend myself and the only thing I am trying to do is to give my opinion... I don't intend to offend anyone...

[road]

Well, first let me apologize for my bad English, I am not an English native speaker. Second think I would like to say I don't know what WS or BS stand for but I can tell you that I have been cheated,

 

No problem with your English.

 

Wayward spouse betrayed spouse OM other man OW other woman.

 

You were the BH. Unfortunately many times the WS cheats because all her needs are not being met she is not happy in the marraige while the BS is content and does not recognize his WW's unhappiness.

 

Unhappiness is not justification for having an affair. Get a divorce first.

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You need this book to heal from your affair even though you are now divorced.

 

Then you need to get another Dr H book His Needs Her Needs to learn how to have a better marriage the next time you find another girl.

[meandmyself]

No problem with your English.

 

Wayward spouse betrayed spouse OM other man OW other woman.

 

You were the BH. Unfortunately many times the WS cheats because all her needs are not being met she is not happy in the marraige while the BS is content and does not recognize his WW's unhappiness.

 

Unhappiness is not justification for having an affair. Get a divorce first.

 

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. You need this book to heal from your affair even though you are now divorced.

 

Then you need to get another Dr H book His Needs Her Needs to learn how to have a better marriage the next time you find another girl.

 

Thank you but I don't think I am ready to confront any of that books, call it a sickness if you want but I just prefer not to think about it and to try to get over it. As much as I think about it as lower my self esteem gets, I just prefer to pretend that it never happens and give myself a new opportunity to have beside me a person who will love me for who I am and will not betray me without even explaining me what I did wrong... Really this is not doing me any good... The only thing that will help me to heal is time .... The good thing is that I don't feel distrusting to other people, I have always trust people and I will always do... The way I want to think it (even when still is very painful) is that I just met the wrong person, she was not the person I thought she was, the person I thought I married would have never treat me this way...

 

Well I am making a short history too long, sorry about that, I just want to say that at the moment I am not well prepared to confront what happened, I can't change it, I can't make her come back to me and I don't even know if I would want that... The only truth is that I am still young and I have a life to live and I will try to do it the best I can (and in my case I think my best opportunity is just to try to forget).

Edited November 16, 2012 by meandmyself

[road]

a) it was not his fault, not at all!! In any way he can take part of responsibility on this.

b) It is possible (very possible) that there was more than physical sex, the level of intimacy was very big.

c) She confessed but only after 2.5 months of continuous cheating.

 

 

Yes it is a big thing that his WW confessed.

 

 

a) Not his fault. Most likely his not meeting his WW needs pre affair caused the WW to be unhappy in the marriage. Having an affair is wrong and totaly the blame for the affair goes to the WW. Being unhappy is no justification to have an affair.

 

 

b) Fact, in affairs the OM gives attention to get sex. The WW gives sex to get attention/missing needs met.

 

 

So the emotional connection is just to get sex by the OM. The sexual connection is just so the WW gets her emotional needs met.

 

 

The level of sex is not important. For every WW that got nailed once, the BH recovers saying thank god is was just one time. WW could of gotten nail more.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a month and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only a month it could of been worse.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a year and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do and do her so many times she can't remember. All WW can say she lost count after the first 100 times, it must have been hundreds of times WW did it with the OM. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only a year it could of been worse.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for years and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do and do her so many times she can't remember. All WW can say she lost count after the first 100 times, it could very well been 1,000's of times WW did it with the OM. However after letting the OM do her all these times bare back it was no wonder the OM knocked up his WW with an OC. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only 1 OC, my COM/children of the marriage get to have their family remain intact, it could of been worse.

 

 

 

c) Thank god it was only 2.5 months. It could of have been worst.

[road]

Thank you but I don't think I am ready to confront any of that books.

 

Those that refuse to learn and change are condemned to fail again because they will do exactly what they did in the past.

 

From my side of the street the view of what you did in the past has not worked.

 

I don't know what the view looks like from your side of the street. I will guess it is denial.

[meandmyself]

Yes it is a big thing that his WW confessed.

 

 

a) Not his fault. Most likely his not meeting his WW needs pre affair caused the WW to be unhappy in the marriage. Having an affair is wrong and totaly the blame for the affair goes to the WW. Being unhappy is no justification to have an affair.

 

 

b) Fact, in affairs the OM gives attention to get sex. The WW gives sex to get attention/missing needs met.

 

 

So the emotional connection is just to get sex by the OM. The sexual connection is just so the WW gets her emotional needs met.

 

 

The level of sex is not important. For every WW that got nailed once, the BH recovers saying thank god is was just one time. WW could of gotten nail more.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a month and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only a month it could of been worse.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a year and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do and do her so many times she can't remember. All WW can say she lost count after the first 100 times, it must have been hundreds of times WW did it with the OM. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only a year it could of been worse.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for years and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do and do her so many times she can't remember. All WW can say she lost count after the first 100 times, it could very well been 1,000's of times WW did it with the OM. However after letting the OM do her all these times bare back it was no wonder the OM knocked up his WW with an OC. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only 1 OC, my COM/children of the marriage get to have their family remain intact, it could of been worse.

 

 

 

c) Thank god it was only 2.5 months. It could of have been worst.

 

Sorry, but lets agree we disagree... I don't believe you are looking to this situation from the right angle... it is beautiful to say that your couple got angry, tired, discouraged, felt alone... call it what you want... they are all excuses... we are human beings and we all have our characters, specially sexual characters... and we deal with commitments in different ways and sometimes (therefore we got so many lawyers in the world) we like to see how we can look and overlook to any rule to fit our necessity... My view on this is ... :MOST of the times cheating comes across when two persons are sexually attracted for each other... at that time if the urge to be with this new person who makes you feel attractive or makes you feel desired again makes you look to your actual relationship and look how to pull the strings to find flows that will help to break your moral barriers and justify what you are about to do. Believe me at that point doesn't matter how good you have been with your wife, she has taken the decision already...

 

I don't want to say that the BS ( I think that is the correct abbreviation?) could have not been more caring or a better husband, etc but to my point of view that is unfortunately not totally relevant... I have seen people who treat their wives/husbands like **** and there is no cheating involved... and marriages (like Gary's) where the couple seemed to be perfect for each other and cheating happened..

 

I also don't agree when you say facts are not important... you can try to recover minimizing what happened but that is closing your eyes to the truth and believe me .. truth will hit you at some time so better confront it at the beginning and not when you thought it was already in your past...

[meandmyself]

Those that refuse to learn and change are condemned to fail again because they will do exactly what they did in the past.

 

From my side of the street the view of what you did in the past has not worked.

 

I don't know what the view looks like from your side of the street. I will guess it is denial.

 

3 things here:

 

- I won't take any responsibility in what happened to my relationship... I loved her and took care of her, she never expressed any complain or asked me for anything... she just did not love me... that is a clear fact for me now and I won't take any kind of responsibility on what she did... You need to understand that not always there are internal reasons for cheating... sometimes the betraying party just get involved with someone else for whom in my case she had a bigger crush than for me...

 

- Am I in denial? Maybe.... Will I make the same mistakes? Maybe... the truth is that I feel I put all what I have in my relation and that is what counts for me and I won't let anyone come to tell me what do I need to do like if I would have been partially responsible for what happened... I am sorry I won't accept that...

 

- Do you get a commission for the sale of that books? Wow, you got so agresive just because I don't want to use them....

[meandmyself]

Yes it is a big thing that his WW confessed.

 

 

 

The level of sex is not important. For every WW that got nailed once, the BH recovers saying thank god is was just one time. WW could of gotten nail more.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a month and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only a month it could of been worse.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for a year and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do and do her so many times she can't remember. All WW can say she lost count after the first 100 times, it must have been hundreds of times WW did it with the OM. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only a year it could of been worse.

 

 

Then there is the BH that had a WW that had an affair for years and let the OM nail her ways say has never let here BH do and do her so many times she can't remember. All WW can say she lost count after the first 100 times, it could very well been 1,000's of times WW did it with the OM. However after letting the OM do her all these times bare back it was no wonder the OM knocked up his WW with an OC. This BH recovers and says thank god it was only 1 OC, my COM/children of the marriage get to have their family remain intact, it could of been worse.

 

 

 

c) Thank god it was only 2.5 months. It could of have been worst.

 

Well anyone who is married to someone who gets at the level of cheating and lack of respect that you describe above and still keeps the relationship got what he/she deserved... There are marriages you can save after an affair, trust me I know that.. but there are also limits and we are all human beings and should have some self respect.... If you don't respect yourself no one will do... and a person shouldn't accept anything just to keep being with the person you love... I have seen how that road ends and is not beautiful...

[drifter777]

OP is gone.

[sheshudakilledme]

my wife........when we met she carried on wi her ex, I gave her a chance, she did it again.....I gave her another chance. Few months later we got engaged,for a few months we were happy,bought a house together,planned a life together and set a date to get married,,,,she did it again, we got married as we wanted to move on, within 5 hours of landing after honeymoon.....she did it again.

We broke up then reconciled,happy for a few weeks she cheated wi another man.

All in all,since getting married she has cheated wi 2 men and 1 of those was several times and she lived wi him for 2 months - I took her back.

Don't be too harsh or judgmental, I can honestly say I loved this woman wi everything I've got and believe it or not I thought things could work out.

5 years on, we have a son who will soon be 4, I think he's the only reason she is with me....well also money but no love.

She continues to hurt me on a weekly basis, objects when I saw a picture of her at a party and she's stroking some guys thigh in a picture but blames me for reacting badly as "I'm using the past against her, will I ever forget and forgive"

The problem is she does not feel her past should affect us now and that her behavior is moderate and ladylike.

Too much has happened, my love for her has diminished to a dutiful respect but I've grown to dislike her. It's not the infidelity it's her reaction to it afterwards, mostly it's the fact that what I once felt has gone and she's directly responsible but takes no responsibility for her actions.

To summarize - she was once the most loved woman anyone has ever met, I loved her more than any man anywhere has ever loved any other woman, now I feel apathy,resentment and remorse for her, she doesn't turn me on and I would rather satisfy myself than have sex with her where once upon a time I would make love to her 8 times a day.

I have noticed within these forums that woman who have a cheating partner are treated with respect and sympathy regarding "the cheating pig" and men get told to get on with it and man up and forgive.

I cannot believe the difference in replies based purely on gender.

Anyone can criticise me for being "soft" or "stupid" but for the first time in my life my heart was full of love and my life full of promise.......

One last note, I didn't come here looking for sympathy or criticism I am solely sharing my experience whilst looking for medicine for my soul....forgive my self indulgence:sick:

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself why would you love a woman who continues to humiliate and disrespect you in every possible way. I am sorry but the problem is you. Time to move on. Do you enjoy the abuse and humiliation she gives you? Apparently so. By the way have you been checked for STD's and a paternity test as well. If the roles had been reversed do you honestly think she would have stayed with you? Time to man up.

[meandmyself]

my wife........when we met she carried on wi her ex, I gave her a chance, she did it again.....I gave her another chance. Few months later we got engaged,for a few months we were happy,bought a house together,planned a life together and set a date to get married,,,,she did it again, we got married as we wanted to move on, within 5 hours of landing after honeymoon.....she did it again.

We broke up then reconciled,happy for a few weeks she cheated wi another man.

All in all,since getting married she has cheated wi 2 men and 1 of those was several times and she lived wi him for 2 months - I took her back.

Don't be too harsh or judgmental, I can honestly say I loved this woman wi everything I've got and believe it or not I thought things could work out.

5 years on, we have a son who will soon be 4, I think he's the only reason she is with me....well also money but no love.

She continues to hurt me on a weekly basis, objects when I saw a picture of her at a party and she's stroking some guys thigh in a picture but blames me for reacting badly as "I'm using the past against her, will I ever forget and forgive"

The problem is she does not feel her past should affect us now and that her behavior is moderate and ladylike.

Too much has happened, my love for her has diminished to a dutiful respect but I've grown to dislike her. It's not the infidelity it's her reaction to it afterwards, mostly it's the fact that what I once felt has gone and she's directly responsible but takes no responsibility for her actions.

To summarize - she was once the most loved woman anyone has ever met, I loved her more than any man anywhere has ever loved any other woman, now I feel apathy,resentment and remorse for her, she doesn't turn me on and I would rather satisfy myself than have sex with her where once upon a time I would make love to her 8 times a day.

I have noticed within these forums that woman who have a cheating partner are treated with respect and sympathy regarding "the cheating pig" and men get told to get on with it and man up and forgive.

I cannot believe the difference in replies based purely on gender.

Anyone can criticise me for being "soft" or "stupid" but for the first time in my life my heart was full of love and my life full of promise.......

One last note, I didn't come here looking for sympathy or criticism I am solely sharing my experience whilst looking for medicine for my soul....forgive my self indulgence:sick:

I think for respect to the OP you should open your own thread...

[scaramonga27]

wife was in an affair for 14 years. I found out about 4 years after she started. We went to counseling. All the while, she was seeing OM.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, she accidentally left her email acocunt opened and I found out that she never ended her relationship. Got very angry but for sake of the kids, decided to keep marriage going.

She has since told me some details. She does not know why but she can't bring herself to ending the relationship. She has done things with OM that she never did with me, anal, swallow, etc.

I really think that she is completely hooked on f*#K*&g this guy and turned that "feeing" into love.

[road]

wife was in an affair for 14 years. I found out about 4 years after she started. We went to counseling. All the while, she was seeing OM.

Fast forward to 2 years ago, she accidentally left her email acocunt opened and I found out that she never ended her relationship. Got very angry but for sake of the kids, decided to keep marriage going.

She has since told me some details. She does not know why but she can't bring herself to ending the relationship. She has done things with OM that she never did with me, anal, swallow, etc.

I really think that she is completely hooked on f*#K*&g this guy and turned that "feeing" into love.

 

 

Start your own thread if you want help.

[screwedovertwenty]

Start your own thread if you want help.

 

Okay that made me laugh. I haven't done much of that lately.

[road]

Okay that made me laugh. I haven't done much of that lately.

 

 

I don't see the humor.

 

Sheshudakilledme (sp) needs to start their own thread.

[Just a Guy]

So has Gary finally resolved his issues? I have been away for a while so would like to know. I do sincerely hope he has.