Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair

[karnak]

You're right. I've been thinking about it the last couple of days and having a little affair of my own won't serve to be beneficial in any way to my marriage. I realized that I would be going into that situation with another woman knowing I am allowed to ONLY because my wife already did that with another man. No matter how many times I end up sleeping with the OW and have a great time, I'll always remember that it was my wife's affair that allowed and compelled me to have one on my own, not on my own accord. In that sense, once again, she wins.

 

I've also given thought to why some of the posters here keep saying I'm not "ready" to get some advice regarding the situation. Those posters make it seem like I'm in a phase of denial when I am clearly aware of the facts and how I feel and think about them. Of course not all the emotions and thoughts I have right now seem to be completely coherent but I still know what they are and why they're here. I was/am ready to listen, I did listen, and now have come up with a decision on what to do.

 

Some posters cautioned me that my wife would cheat again and for that reason, I should drop her. I did not take that thought to mind because those suspicions are based on the unproven concept that if someone cheats once, they will do definitely do it again. I know that's not the case for my wife for many reasons. And that was why I initially thought I could go back to her after months of separation and try to rebuild what she had broken, or at least attempt to. But my fear of my wife cheating on me again in the future was not my worry. What worried me was the haunting details of the affair possibly lingering in my head forever and my urge to sleep with another woman because I thought it would restore the balance of our marriage and make me feel better.

 

It is for those two reasons and not an unsupported claim that my wife will cheat again the future that has led me to my decision as of last night. I have realized that those details will forever be ingrained in my mind no matter how many years it takes for us to get back to where we once were. Everything I do, everywhere I look, I will seemingly be reminded of her marital indiscretions. And many of you have claimed that over and over again. All of you have also stated that an affair of my own will do nothing to appease my hurt feelings and mind. And I have also kept that mind.

 

Knowing that the existence of those details and this feeling of unbalanced monogamy within my marriage will surely never allow me to be happy once again, I have decided to divorce my wife. She has done everything she can to make it up to me it seems and has far exceeded my expectations of how she'd grow and prove her love to me. But unfortunately that is not enough, or at least not what I need right now. What I need can't come from her; it has to come from me. And being that there is no possibility of my mind being erased of all the details of the affair, I know I won't be getting the closure I need to restart my marriage. According to the posters here, as long as I have those haunting two problems in my life, I will never be happy so her efforts are essentially useless.

 

I will contact my attorney sometime tomorrow to let him know to continue with the divorce proceedings I had put on pause months ago. I will also sit down and break the news to my wife sometime this Friday. I know most of you will be pretty disinterested in hearing about that so I'll gladly spare you the trouble. Thank you for all those provided some sound and meaningful advice. I really appreciate it.

 

To be honest, I think Gary is a very decent guy. A really nice guy.

And I think that is the problem. Nice guys tend to be attracted to women with issues (the "knight in shining armor" syndrome) and, from what he told us, his wife has some issues regarding her early years (her mother's affair and maybe other stories).

 

Until recently, I used to believe that "once a cheater not always a cheater". But, since last year I've seen things which made me doubt my beliefs. A person cheats not because of contexts or "being in the wrong time in the wrong place". They cheat because there's something in them them allows them to.

It's part of their character. Maybe a cheater will never cheat again in their life. But, given the proper circunstances and similar episodes, it's quite possible that they may fall into another infidelity.

 

Probably, some years later (5/10 years), his wife would indulge in another affair. Regardless of the tears and suffering, memories tend to fade with the years. And humans usually repeat the same patterns through life.

We are a creature of habits.

[BetrayedH]

Your critical tone is not helpful. OP is already in lot of pain and he had made effort to reconcile.

 

I don't see what in my post was critical (I was clear that I don't judge him regardless of what decision he makes) but I suppose you're welcome to your interpretation.

 

I would say "Welcome to LS" as this was your first post but considering that you have been a member for 5 years, it looks like I am the junior member here.

[garyfromla]

The fact is that it takes TIME to reconcile. I think you are jumping to a conclusion that you will "never" be happy. Like me, you want a SOLUTION so that you can take action to do something about this now. You want logic and actionable steps to take charge of the situation. It doesn't work that way.

 

I agree 100%. This is something that would take a lot of time for me to register and begin to move forward from. Like you said, I might be jumping to a conclusion but the fear of my thoughts lingering forever for the rest of our marriage is debilitating. So I think I would rather bow out rather than taking the risk of living in a haunted marriage.

 

I love her and I realize she's doing all she can to make it right but it's me that's the problem at this point, not her anymore. When I chose to try and reconcile, she did everything she had to do on the playing field while I was still stuck in the dugout. Tomorrow's talk with the wife is not going to be easy I must say.

[garyfromla]

You see her pulling away so you want to prove you're worth staying for. Wrong.

 

I think you completely misunderstood our situation and missed out on a lot of facts. She is not the one pulling away. I am. I'm not trying to prove that I'm worth staying for. She is.

 

They'll shed all vestiges of alpha male and turn into a complete beta model. Which makes her more disgusted with you (but you won't see that cos you're too busy trying to win her back).

 

Nothing beta about this model. In fact, I'm walking around with more confidence knowing that I can leave at any time during this fiasco and find another woman to have fun with. Again, not trying to win her back. Was just trying to get our marriage back on track like she was but I failed/am failing at doing that.

 

You say you're filing, but you seemed to have skipped a bit and just went for divorce.

 

If you remember, I did separate from her for months so there would be no need for another separation to think things through.

[BetrayedH]

I agree 100%. This is something that would take a lot of time for me to register and begin to move forward from. Like you said, I might be jumping to a conclusion but the fear of my thoughts lingering forever for the rest of our marriage is debilitating. So I think I would rather bow out rather than taking the risk of living in a haunted marriage.

 

I love her and I realize she's doing all she can to make it right but it's me that's the problem at this point, not her anymore. When I chose to try and reconcile, she did everything she had to do on the playing field while I was still stuck in the dugout. Tomorrow's talk with the wife is not going to be easy I must say.

 

Good luck to you. I think some are able to "fake it til you make it" and try to make decisions with their head for a long while and subjugate their heart. Probably leads to a lot of emotional constipation. Others don't have it in them (and I'm not saying you're wrong if you don't). If you are self-aware enough to know that this is truly a dealbreaker for you, it's healthy to ackowledge it and move on.

 

I just know that I got a lot of pressure from this place to divorce when I was trying to reconcile and there were times that this place was the problem. I had decided to reconcile and needed help trying to shed mind movies and such and instead I got a daily dose of, "Just divorce her." I spent everyday defending her rather than getting the help I requested. Just wanted to point out that possibility. If you feel confident that this is your best path, I wish you luck on your journey. Divorce sucks but so does trying to accept infidelity.

[garyfromla]

Your critical tone is not helpful.

 

It's ok brother. BetrayedH was actually right. To most, including myself, it would seem like I'm being impatient and jumping the gun on the divorce route and I agree. But I can't help it. I've always been a very organized, A-Z, progress machine and now that I'm dealing with something that is not in my control, I am doubting my ability to make this reconciliation work.

 

 

Bro, I feel sorry for you. I encourage you to do WHAT YOU THINK is BEST for you and your kids; keeping in mind all the useful insight you have got from here and/or counseling.

 

Please don't pity me and I mean that sincerely. I have a great life aside from the current marital circumstances and I intend to find other ways to make my life better during this trying period. My girls will definitely be at the top of the priority list at this point.

 

I think that your MIL is partly to be blamed in this; her affair corrupted the mind of your wife indirectly. Children learn a great deal from their parents. Your wife was very lucky to have you but she did not had it in her to cope with rough phase of M. Her mother set a terrible example for her and she has done the same for your daughters. Their is no justification of an affair.

 

I disagree. Yes, my MIL screwed up and I don't condone her actions but she made it very clear to my wife later on in life that what she did was wrong no matter what adversity she was facing at that moment in her life or marriage. After I moved back in, my wife broke down (one of many times) and one day told me that now she remembered the conversation my wife and my MIL had about her affair and how she wished that conversation was on her mind when she blindly walked into her own trap of deceit.

 

She can barely look her mother in the eyes now and I know my MIL will probably take our divorce the hardest believe it or not. She loved me like a son that she never had and to her, it would seem like she failed her daughter yet again.

 

I think that your daughters can be your greatest source of healing during this painful phase of your life. You should be close to them (which I believe that you would be). You should tutor and mentor them against this kind of EVIL. Instill "honesty" in them. It is much WISER to walk out from a bad or dysfunctional relationship instead of having an affair. If you have decided to consider divorce, take your daughters in to confidence beforehand and explain to them your position. HURT yourself no longer.

 

I agree! my daughters will definitely help me get through this. We are very close and are able to talk about things that no other fathers and daughters would want to talk about. I intend on teaching them values based on our current marriage problems but I'm not sure how to go about that honestly. I want to be very rational and unbiased in doing that but I feel like I'd just be painting a horrible picture of their mother and I wouldn't want to stoop to that level.

 

Furthermore, my oldest daughter has already gone to her mother to ask her pretty personal questions about the affair and I only fear that she will do the same with me soon. I plan on having a mini conversation later tonight with my oldest and throwing the idea of a divorce out there to see what she thinks and feels about it. I'll know how to deal with my daughters the best I can once I get an idea of what they are thinking about all of this.

 

 

try to get their CUSTODY because you are not at fault in this case. Your attorney will better guide you.

 

Yes, she's been a horrible wife the last year or so but she's always been a great mother. My daughters would lose some respect for me if I were to try and 'steal' them away from their mother. Besides, both girls will be 18 soon and will have the liberty to choose who they want to spend their time with more. I will discuss this and other matters with my attorney sometime tomorrow.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Gary, I am new here and I hope I have an unbiased view of things. I have read your primary post and the responses that other posters have made. I have found the original response by Betrayed Husband to be the most balanced one among many that I have read. I think your wife contemplated an exit affair and that she was preparing to be a Walk away Wife. Something changed her mind for her after two months of her her affair with her OM. That something may have been to do with an interaction with you where she realized something she had known all along deep in her subconscious mind. She loved you and would always love you irrespective of the physical relationship she had with the OM. She had probably thought that with the sex she would gradually develop strong emotional feelings for the OM. Apparently this did not happen. The reason that she decided to have an affair with the OM was because she felt that you had checked out of the marriage and that you did not love her any more. She may have been wrong in her assessment but the fact is that your relationship was at a low ebb at that point of time and the fact that you labelled her as selfish may have been the proverbial straw on the camel's back. She made a terrible choice but I would think that she has carried a heavy burden after confessing to you and is still carrying it and will continue to do so for a very long time. If you have a flat tire you get the tube repaired if it is the first time it has got punctured. You do not throw it away. However if it gets punctured repeatedly you then discard it. You may like to give your wife the benefit of doubt for this time around.

 

As for your pain as a result of the affair, it will continue for a while. Others more experienced than me have said that it takes between two to five years for the memory to fade away. However your marriage is worth the pain considering that you have 18 wonderful years invested in it. You may just be so sorry to throw it away for something which may seem trivial to you a few years down the years. I would suggest that you visit the website Modern Directions and go through the section on Human sexuality. You will find some interesting articles on similar matters.

 

I would recommend that you consider very carefully what exactly you want to do. If required the two of you should take a vacation together before you decide what to do. One other thing I would suggest and that is that you sit your wife down and ask her exactly what her reasons were to go to the OM for any validation that she might have been seeking. This may help you with some of the closure that you are seeking. All the best to both of you!

[garyfromla]

Do you think if your W quit that job - the one shed ruin to her OM sooner or later - that it MIGHT impact the possibility of you staying married?

 

This would be a consequence - and a solid move on her part to show you evidence that SHE'S WILLING to do anything to set this right?

 

Just wondering...?

 

My wife's position at her job has no bearing on our ability to reconcile and move forward. She has done a good job of completely shutting the OM out completely at work and has yet to meet him or anything. My wife was one of the founders of her firm years ago and a huge asset for them.

 

Even with that, she told me she would find another position elsewhere but I told there was no point in doing that. That if she really did love me and want to be with me, the dirtbag's presence at her work should not faze her. She agreed but thought it would make me feel better.

[Wanderer25]

Hi Gary, I am new here and I hope I have an unbiased view of things. I have read your primary post and the responses that other posters have made. I have found the original response by Betrayed Husband to be the most balanced one among many that I have read. I think your wife contemplated an exit affair and that she was preparing to be a Walk away Wife. Something changed her mind for her after two months of her her affair with her OM. That something may have been to do with an interaction with you where she realized something she had known all along deep in her subconscious mind. She loved you and would always love you irrespective of the physical relationship she had with the OM. She had probably thought that with the sex she would gradually develop strong emotional feelings for the OM. Apparently this did not happen. The reason that she decided to have an affair with the OM was because she felt that you had checked out of the marriage and that you did not love her any more. She may have been wrong in her assessment but the fact is that your relationship was at a low ebb at that point of time and the fact that you labelled her as selfish may have been the proverbial straw on the camel's back. She made a terrible choice but I would think that she has carried a heavy burden after confessing to you and is still carrying it and will continue to do so for a very long time. If you have a flat tire you get the tube repaired if it is the first time it has got punctured. You do not throw it away. However if it gets punctured repeatedly you then discard it. You may like to give your wife the benefit of doubt for this time around.

 

As for your pain as a result of the affair, it will continue for a while. Others more experienced than me have said that it takes between two to five years for the memory to fade away. However your marriage is worth the pain considering that you have 18 wonderful years invested in it. You may just be so sorry to throw it away for something which may seem trivial to you a few years down the years. I would suggest that you visit the website Modern Directions and go through the section on Human sexuality. You will find some interesting articles on similar matters.

 

I would recommend that you consider very carefully what exactly you want to do. If required the two of you should take a vacation together before you decide what to do. One other thing I would suggest and that is that you sit your wife down and ask her exactly what her reasons were to go to the OM for any validation that she might have been seeking. This may help you with some of the closure that you are seeking. All the best to both of you!

 

 

Gary's wife ?

 

 

Gary..you are taking way too much blame for her affair and your feelings which are not ready to jump back into the marriage..

 

Think of it this way. Your wife intentionally pushed you off a cliff. You are badly injured. Then she changed her mind and rescued you. But you still have the injuries from the fall. A few broken bones and some major spinal cord damage. Just because she regrets pushing you off the cliff does not mean your injuries(which she is explicitly responsible for) will disappear and you can start dancing and running immediately. Your healing takes time whether she like it or not. First you learn to stand, then you walk and then you run. You seem to take way too much guilt for not being emotionally ready for R when she is doing all she can. Doesn't work that way...You are the victim, not her. Reconciliation is for the long haul. If she cannot do that, she is not worth reconciling with..

[karnak]

Divorce is not the end of the world, not it imples death to anyone.

 

He and his wife can come to terms that they love each other, reunite, remarry and stay together for the rest of their lives.

 

Who knows what tomorrow brings?

[2sunny]

Good luck to you. I think some are able to "fake it til you make it" and try to make decisions with their head for a long while and subjugate their heart. Probably leads to a lot of emotional constipation. Others don't have it in them (and I'm not saying you're wrong if you don't). If you are self-aware enough to know that this is truly a dealbreaker for you, it's healthy to ackowledge it and move on.

 

I just know that I got a lot of pressure from this place to divorce when I was trying to reconcile and there were times that this place was the problem. I had decided to reconcile and needed help trying to shed mind movies and such and instead I got a daily dose of, "Just divorce her." I spent everyday defending her rather than getting the help I requested. Just wanted to point out that possibility. If you feel confident that this is your best path, I wish you luck on your journey. Divorce sucks but so does trying to accept infidelity.

 

 

BH - you got responses you did based on your circumstances.

 

You had participated in your M much differently than Gary's described his M.

 

The years and years of your drinking and drugs and angry outbursts was part and parcel of what took your M down.

 

Then your W had set a boundary that showed she didn't want to participate in that tornado you created anymore.

 

You were receiving advice based on getting/staying clean - showing actions to earn your wife's trust back whether or not she chose to stay M to you.

 

And you understand ALL those years of damage to theM - well, if it takes ten years to walk into the Forrest - it takes ten years to get out of that Forrest.

 

That crappy M you lived in was in need of a complete overhaul...and your W still may not believe your actions based on the unpredictable history.

 

 

THAT is MUCH different than Gary's circumstances.

 

Gary has tried to be forgiving and appreciates the lengths his W has made to set things right for him to have some peace of mind.

 

He can't get past the images in his mind. That betrayal that really hurts to the core.

 

Whatever his decision - I support his perspective - he seems logical, reasonable and completely well thought through... In the end he needs to understand what he can or can't live with.

 

Everyone has a breaking point...knowing where that point is helps to end the suffering one must endure in difficult times.

 

Sometimes - love just isn't enough.

 

For some reasons I still love and admire my exH. But mostly, I admired the man I thought he COULD BE. I loved the man I thought he WAS - but that was an illusion.

 

I don't love the man he ended up BEING - the one that betrayed me and hurt me back then...without even considering what a HUGE effect it would have on so many people.

 

But there are consequences for bad behavior - and he has his consequence to live with. He would still love to be with me - but I can't bear the thought of a man harming me ever again.

 

Life is too short!

 

It gets better once you start moving forward. Don't look back - whatever you decide only look forward!!!

[BetrayedH]

BH - you got responses you did based on your circumstances.

 

You had participated in your M much differently than Gary's described his M.

 

The years and years of your drinking and drugs and angry outbursts was part and parcel of what took your M down.

 

Then your W had set a boundary that showed she didn't want to participate in that tornado you created anymore.

 

You were receiving advice based on getting/staying clean - showing actions to earn your wife's trust back whether or not she chose to stay M to you.

 

And you understand ALL those years of damage to theM - well, if it takes ten years to walk into the Forrest - it takes ten years to get out of that Forrest.

 

That crappy M you lived in was in need of a complete overhaul...and your W still may not believe your actions based on the unpredictable history.

 

 

THAT is MUCH different than Gary's circumstances.

 

Gary has tried to be forgiving and appreciates the lengths his W has made to set things right for him to have some peace of mind.

 

He can't get past the images in his mind. That betrayal that really hurts to the core.

 

Whatever his decision - I support his perspective - he seems logical, reasonable and completely well thought through... In the end he needs to understand what he can or can't live with.

 

Everyone has a breaking point...knowing where that point is helps to end the suffering one must endure in difficult times.

 

Sometimes - love just isn't enough.

 

For some reasons I still love and admire my exH. But mostly, I admired the man I thought he COULD BE. I loved the man I thought he WAS - but that was an illusion.

 

I don't love the man he ended up BEING - the one that betrayed me and hurt me back then...without even considering what a HUGE effect it would have on so many people.

 

But there are consequences for bad behavior - and he has his consequence to live with. He would still love to be with me - but I can't bear the thought of a man harming me ever again.

 

Life is too short!

 

It gets better once you start moving forward. Don't look back - whatever you decide only look forward!!!

 

You clearly have my story mixed up with someone else's, sweetheart. Years and years and drug and alcohol abuse? My wife never listed any such thing as a reason for her affair. I had one drunken night that was precipitated by the damn blog post and she did try to use that in the divorce mediation and it was a bluff that failed miserably. And I went to AA for that (which was ridiculous, by the way). I've never once been cited for public drunkenness, gotten a DUI, been drunk in front of my kids or any other such thing. If anything, I used alcohol as a coping mechanism after Dday which wasn't great but fairly normal, I'd say.

 

You are simply WAY off the mark when it comes to the truth.

 

I spent 7 months trying to forgive and dealt with the same "balance" issue that Gary is dealing with. What I do remember is you suggesting that I "get honest" with my wife and ask for permission to have an affair. I did just that (thanks for the suggestion) and got permission and had my affair. It didn't work and I have said as much to the OP.

 

ETA: that whole half of your post is complete nonsense. Anger issues, too? I'm about the most peaceful guy around and everyone I know would say the same. My wife set a boundary?! I think you're the one smoking something and quite frankly, I'd like to see you retract what you've said here.

Edited October 18, 2012 by BetrayedH

[2sunny]

BH -

 

I must have mixed you up with another poster here.

 

I do apologize for my error! My bad!

 

I hope you forgive me...

 

Sorry to tj Gary.

[BetrayedH]

BH -

 

I must have mixed you up with another poster here.

 

I do apologize for my error! My bad!

 

I hope you forgive me...

 

Sorry to tj Gary.

 

Apology accepted, Sunny. Glad you came back tonight; I was gettin' a little fired up. My wife had a good husband and a great father to her children and she just plain threw it away. But it's all good between you and I because even though we don't always agree, I know your intentions are good (and we all read a lot of posts here). No worries.

[2sunny]

you can do anything you want - as long as you ask permission. ask your W - be honest with her about your anger toward her actions.

 

tell her what your wish is - and that you are now spending time and energy focusing outside the marriage.

 

when she answers - you will either be able to step in with permission from your wife - or you will have an answer that says no.

 

either way - you are putting your honesty out on the table so she knows exactly where your head is (it's evidently NOT with your wife).

 

you may be able to play with other women with your wife's permission

 

you may hear NO - then she will know what damage she needs to repair by her actions - she may need to get reconnected on a level you never knew possible

 

or you may get to talking about what is REAL - then, and only then - does the relationship have a chance to heal and change.

 

you have no idea what can happen unless you bring your truth into the light.

 

get honest - share the honesty with your wife. stop sharing about the marriage with "other women" - it's a complete betrayal to the marriage. IF you don't like something = tell YOUR WIFE = so SHE has a chance to work at what bothers you. get honest!

 

you haven't stopped your anger... it is bigger than ever!

 

when you ADMIT just how angry you are at your W - then and only then can the healing begin.

 

no neutral (loving husband) wants a revenge affair. you feel entitled to it. you are angry with your W for hurting you. you want to hurt her too.

 

these are things you need to tell your W!!! NOT the OW!

 

your W (by your evidence) hasn't DONE the work necessary to repair the damage her actions caused - and now YOU think hurting her in the same regard will help the healing?

 

you have things backwards.

 

you can't heal the pain with MORE harm.

 

your actions are that YOU are considering adding MORE HARM into the mix.

 

this is a recipe for disaster!

 

get HONEST with your wife. THAT would be helpful and a good place to start.

 

the anger is still there... BIG TIME!

 

what have you AND your wife done to address the anger you are holding onto.

 

you are NOW using it to justify YOUR bad behavior... which isn't positive.

 

what work have you two been doing? you obviously haven't been honest with each other... there is much work to do. YOU are also causing harm to her at this juncture.

 

ok - so now you decided NOT to cheat... good! now you aren't causing MORE harm by growing the negative bigger.

 

my question remains - what are you willing to DO - to address the remaining anger you carry towards your wife?

 

HOW can you express your anger toward her - grow from what you learn by the way YOU participated - and get to the other side (by not carrying the anger any longer)... then and only then - will you two be capable of growing your love bigger and stronger.

 

this victim role that you are playing is getting you validation and attention from OTHER women. you have invited in a negative energy path by doing this.

 

now that you are willing to shut that down - how can YOU get that from yourself? how can you THEN offer your healthy self to your wife?

 

these are VERY KEY questions... and CAN be answered.

 

and IF your W isn't DOING enough for YOU to feel loved, honored and cherished as HER husband - you need to tell HER EXACTLY what YOU need from HER!

 

no more telling OTHER WOMEN = tell HER! that would be the start of being honest!

 

IF she can't or won't give YOU what you need - leave! that would also show honesty in action!

 

mentally - he's already been there WWIU - physically - he's been right on the edge too... literally; in the hotel room with a condom on the night stand...

 

now he says he ended it today - but it is obviously still taking up THAT mental space in his mind... so is HE really out of this affair?

 

dunno... most likely nope...

 

best way to turn this around is to focus all time and energy on his wife and the marriage... but will he?

 

he says he did - and the fact that he posted in the infidelity forum says SOMETHING...

 

it's not a level playing field - as he knows of his wife's affair and she has no idea (maybe?) of what he has been up to behind her back and out of his own anger.

 

the power is always in the dishonesty and secrecy...

 

 

 

would you be kind and take time to answer these questions - so we understand what you and your wife have been doing since you realized she cheated?

 

what EXACTLY has she been doing to REPAIR the damage she caused?

 

what would it take to let go of the anger you are holding on to?

 

is there any benefit for you to stay in the victim role? if so, why? if not, what did you do to get past the benefits a victim role provides for you?

 

 

 

BH-

 

I did encourage you to ask for her permission - mainly because that is proper order. IF one person is intent on having an affair - the least they could do is put forth their honesty and ASK permission - which you did... Which was the right thing - given your frame of mind at THAT time.

 

Me - my moral compass - GENERALLY I would not ENCOURAGE anyone to cheat.

 

Generally my basis is for truth - whatever that may be.

 

Next on my list is PROPER ORDER!

 

If someone INTENDS to cheat or cause harm to a partner by going behind their back - I go on the basis of proper order - get divorced (past tense) FIRST... Then do what you want to - but at least wait until you've finalized one relationship before starting another. It seems to minimize the harm to self and harm to others with proper order...

 

Just my experience and perspective... It's mine = not many agree with me but that's beside my point of being here.

 

Gary - I wish you cold work through it all and gain some good reason to let go of what your mind is hanging onto.

 

Let us know how we can support you - no matter what path you take from here forward.

 

My best suggestion is in the early days - stay busy, find creative outlets that help to process your emotions out of your mind by putting them somewhere else - it's very productive and therapeutic!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wanderer25. Sorry but I am not Gary's wife. I am Just a Guy really.

[2sunny]

Hi Wanderer25. Sorry but I am not Gary's wife. I am Just a Guy really.

 

Did you cheat JAG?

 

You seem to come from the perspective of one who has cheated and wants to make a M work after cheating occurred...

[Just a Guy]

I'm sorry 2Sunny. I've been married 36 years this month and have never strayed. I guess I'm a one woman man as I'm sure my wife is a one man woman.

 

I guess I was trying to adopt an unbiased and compassionate attitude but then it seems that there is a lot of pain and resentment for those who use this forum. I guess that is natural considering the things I've read here. Just to clarify I am not from the US nor from Europe. I hope that takes care of that.

[Darth Vader]

I wonder how things are going since he broke the news to her by now. His wife may turn nasty on him for wanting to divorce him, this is always a possibility.

[garyfromla]

I just know that I got a lot of pressure from this place to divorce when I was trying to reconcile and there were times that this place was the problem. I had decided to reconcile and needed help trying to shed mind movies and such and instead I got a daily dose of, "Just divorce her." I spent everyday defending her rather than getting the help I requested

 

That's what I don't get. When a guy comes here and asks for advice about his cheating wife, everyone continually calls her a whore and tells you to divorce her. ok, thats fine and understandable. But when a cheating wife comes here and asks for advice, people give her advice on how to tell the truth, how to win him back and how to move forward in their marriage. Makes no sense to me. Why not advise those women on how to prepare for the fallout or divorce? It seems like there's more hostility towards the betrayed husbands than the cheating wives.

[garyfromla]

I wonder how things are going since he broke the news to her by now. His wife may turn nasty on him for wanting to divorce him, this is always a possibility.

 

I guess I'm here just in time...I talked to my attorney Friday morning first. Long story short, he said he'd get my portfolio ready to go if I finally decided to sign the papers (as well as my wife) but told me we have an interesting situation. He prefaced that he wasn't a marriage counselor but wanted to give his two cents as a friend/attorney. He asked if I planned on remarrying after my divorce. I said no. He then asked me if my wife planned on remarrying if we divorced. I said no (she told me, her mother, and her best friend on a number of occasions). He said then there's no point in rushing the divorce. He said it seems like theres a lot there that I'd like to salvage with our marriage but I'm just being impatient. He advised me to separate for an indefinite amount of time. During that time, I can decide that I'm ready to officially reconcile with my wife for good or find out that our marriage is gone forever.

I didn't make up my mind at that point.

 

Later that evening, I went home and decided to talk to my wife. She was in a good mood and was happy to see me which made the talk a lot harder than I expected but it had to happen. I sat her down and told her that I would possibly want to divorce her. She instantly became sad, asked why, and repeatedly asked what more she can do to prove that she was wrong and that she loved me. I said I honestly couldn't think of anything else. It really wasn't her efforts that bothered me, it was my inability to look past the details and having some unhealthy feelings about "making it right." She began to cry and tell me that it wasn't such a surprise that it go to this point and she doesn't blame me at all. She just thought there was some hope after her screw up.

 

I told her what my attorney advised and that seemed to make her feel better. She asked if that was an option I'd like to explore and I said I don't know. That I wouldn't want to string her around for nothing. I told her I didn't want to waste her future during the separation when she can find another man to be happy with as opposed to linger on false hope of reconciliation. She said she didn't care, isn't planning on remarrying, and would wait as long as it takes even if the answer in the end isn't what she hopes for. She said "the wait would be worth it." I told her that I thought she was just stricken with grief and was just saying it but not believing it but she said that even if we were separated for a year or 2, she'd still find a way back to me. I told her I didn't know if I'd be able to be alone for a year or 2 and that there would be a possibility of me being with another woman at times. She told me she didn't care and that she would still be waiting if I decided to come back.

 

Right now, I'm 60-40 with divorce and indefinite separation. The indefinite separation would essentially be divorce realistically, just not legally. I'll think about it for a while and see what the best course of action is. I'm still leaning a little towards divorce but our situation is weird.

 

I also got a text this morning from my wife's male CPA partner. The guy who was talking to the OM when I first met him for the first time. He asked me if everything is alright with me and Cheryl. I said its fine, why? He said she just seemed a little down the last month or so with some happy moments and sad moments. I caved and told him what was going on. He felt really bad for me and apologized for what happened but told me that it wasn't the first time the OM had done something like that and proceeded to tell me about his last affair. I don't want to bother you guys with the details. I feel like there must have been something that occurred that made him text me now of all times. I'm going to ask my wife and see what she says.

Edited October 20, 2012 by garyfromla

[Artie Lang]

I just know that I got a lot of pressure from this place to divorce when I was trying to reconcile and there were times that this place was the problem. I had decided to reconcile and needed help trying to shed mind movies and such and instead I got a daily dose of, "Just divorce her." I spent everyday defending her rather than getting the help I requested. Just wanted to point out that possibility. If you feel confident that this is your best path, I wish you luck on your journey. Divorce sucks but so does trying to accept infidelity.

 

 

That's what I don't get. When a guy comes here and asks for advice about his cheating wife, everyone continually calls her a whore and tells you to divorce her. ok, thats fine and understandable. But when a cheating wife comes here and asks for advice, people give her advice on how to tell the truth, how to win him back and how to move forward in their marriage. Makes no sense to me. Why not advise those women on how to prepare for the fallout or divorce? It seems like there's more hostility towards the betrayed husbands than the cheating wives.

 

i think it has to do with the fact that men are less forgiving than women as far as infidelity is concerned.

 

 

people make generalities all the time. you need to take bits and pieces from these posts and apply it to your dilemma wherever you see fit- take what applies to your situation; while leaving what doesn't.

 

of course you're going to get pressure to move in a certain direction, but ultimately the choice rests with you. just like people have a choice to cheat given the environment or the "social pressures" they encounter, so do you have a choice in determining your future, regardless of the forums' leanings.

 

 

good luck to you, gary.

 

 

btw...

 

it wasn't the first time the OM had done something like that and proceeded to tell me about his last affair.

 

told you so.

Edited October 20, 2012 by Artie Lang

[karnak]

 

told you so.

 

Well... his wife already knew the guy was a player.

 

Many married women do this kind of stuff. They get involved with guys who they know won't take the relationship seriously. "It's just sex".

 

As far as I'm considered that's worse (in my book) than being involved because they're in love.

[Artie Lang]

i agree, karnak. i'm sure she heard about his "loose" boundaries concerning opposite sex friendships. i mean, she did have a lengthy business relationship with this OM.

 

 

"It's just sex".

 

sounds like this is just the case here. she wants to work it out with him.

[road]

You want to separate then separate.

 

You want to date then get a divorce first.