Why is the marriage section mostly negative?

[Later82012]

Based on my observations IRL, I strongly disagree. Of course, I'm not privy to what goes on behind their closed doors. But it seems such an odd dichotomy to me - why demonstrate such misery to the outside world if you're actually happy at home? Who would want to live like that? Apparently, they do. So I guess I'm missing something.

 

There's nothing noble about "sticking it out" with a spouse you hate or an unfulfilling M. Contrary to the strongly-held beliefs of my parents' generation... not to mention my own religion (Christianity).

 

"It is good to be single." --Paul

If we have to go by their actions and not by their words, they are still in their marriages. So I guess we have no option but to assume that they are more happy than unhappy.

[waterwoman]

my marriage is totally brilliant!

 

Please bear in mind i have had to glasses of Montepuliciano d'Abruzzo so this might have some bearing on my feeling....

 

But it is 20 yrs old next month, we have 3 children, have had money troubles, health problems, bereavements and we are currently reconciling due to H's 6m affair.....and I still would rather be married to H than anyone else.

 

I will say that in my experience marriage isn't a walk in the park. It sometimes feel like it's a long hard battle because for all the support and love you receive, you have to give back the same. But nothing worthwhile is easy. If you think it's going to be a rose-coloured romantic dream for the rest of your life you may be disappointed. If you understand that it's hard work at times and very difficult, and much of it is far from romantic, then you'll be fine. In my experience the hard times are worth it. But not everyone feels the same.

 

Hope that helps to reverse the balance a little x

[eleanorrigby]

I had a great marriage, but I'd never do it again. EVER. Most marriages are s@#! and most people know it, but desperatly want to think otherwise. People are raised to believe in a fairy tale and the reason most fall apart is because they think that the wedding is the payoff and don't realize that's when the work starts.

 

I don't know about others, but I had been working on my relationship since we started dating as teenagers. I never assumed that once I got married I didn't have to work anymore. I have a damn library of relationship books in the house. I don't like the implication so many people have that no one was working in the relationship.

 

I've been obsessed with this relationship since it started. I talked to Dr. Harley in the past, we had a counseling session with his son, we had a session with the guy that wrote Torn Assunder, we went to Retrouvaille.

 

Also, I got married at city hall wearing a pair of sweat pants with a hole in it.

My wedding was no payoff.

 

Please don't think I'm attacking you right now. (I'm just still in a bad mood)

 

Some of us BS have worked, and continue to work at it. That's all I feel like I've been doing for 20 years.

 

I'm just so tired of this idea that we are all sitting around in front of the tv, fat, lazy, and having long since closed up the sex shop, and that's why our husbands cheated on us.

[soccerrprp]

People don't typically come to LS to tell everyone how things are great! If things were wonderful, I certainly wouldn't be here now.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm happy in my marriage. 21 years, still going strong.

 

I met him at 15. We are HS sweethearts.

 

I personally think the key to keeping it good is sex.

 

Today I've been to two soccer games, took one kid to a birthday party, another shopping for homecoming pants, did laundry, made dinner...etc. I know that at the end of this day, I have something fun to look forward to. And he knows it, too. We love each other, help each other, annoy each other, laugh together, have cried together, raise kids together... but sex is our glue.

 

I really think a lot of marriage problems could be cured with regular sex.

[xxoo]

We love each other, help each other, annoy each other, laugh together, have cried together, raise kids together... but sex is our glue.

 

I really think a lot of marriage problems could be cured with regular sex.

 

Sex is not only they glue, it is also the lubricant. Things don't rub and irritate as much when you are having regular, satisfying sex. Also, both people tend to be more willing to give when the intimacy is strong.

 

Happily married here, too With lots and lots of sex

[AnotherRound]

I'm sorry you were still having a bad day and I hope it got better.

 

I don't think most husbands cheat because their wife got lazy. I never have. I may think that to a degree about my MM's wife, but not about most.

I do think many people, that means both the husbands and wives, become complacent and stop working together. They put too much emphasis on stuff, instead of each other. That's why I think a lot of people today don't suceed in marriage.

They expect it to be easy, it's TOO easy to get divorced I think and many people just have this instant gratification philosophy.

 

If you go back to the beginning of this thread, I shared that I happened to have a beautiful marriage but we worked at every day. We were an exception, and largely because we were high school sweethearts and something my grandmother said to both of us while were visiting her after school made a huge impression. "It's easy to forget to turn the head of the one who at one time couldn't take their eyes off you."

 

It stuck with both of us. My husband's parents had a ****ty marriage, and his mom eventually went on to get married 5 times before she died, my parents had a good one and are still happily together. Even 15 years ago I was the weird one with parents that were still married.

Out of all my close friends that are married (I just counted up 15 couples in my head), I know 2 where both partners are on their first marriage and they are still happily together.

 

To me that says a LOT about the state of marriage.

It bugs me when I hear that one person is working at it and the other isn't... so I understand when people say they are frustrated.

I didn't think you were attacking me but I did want to explain what I meant because I think people misunderstand me a lot, and because my choice isn't one that they understand. (I'm not saying anyone is wrong for not understanding either) However, I try to be pretty straightforward. I usually do mean exactly what I say.

 

This exactly. I think that often times, the couple gets too busy with life, raising kids, running a house, paying bills, etc. that they forget to nurture the base of the whole thing - the marriage relationship. I know many cases where both partners become complacent, but I do believe that it only takes one partner being complacent to ruin a relationship. As, the other person that IS working on the relationship can't nurture the relationship all by themselves, it just doesn't work that way - it has to be reciprocal.

 

I too hate to hear that one person has become complacent and the other was working at the relationship. With my exH, I truly did try to fix things before he had an affair, but he refused to participate in that nurturing. So, inevitably, the relationship died. I don't blame him, as it was his choice (and I never regret the divorce, as it was the best thing that I ever did for myself), but I learned pretty quickly that I only had two choices if he didn't want to participate in the relationship. 1, I could stay with it exactly as it was, or 2, I could leave. I left, as the other one just wasn't an option for me.

 

I love this post LFH, it summed up the way that I feel really well. And I think I'm often misunderstood too when I'm trying to share my thoughts or perspectives. I blame a lot of it on the written media as it cuts out all the body language - facial expressions, inflection, etc. that can help tremendously with communication.

 

And, like you, I do attribute complacency to exMMs stbxw. I think that she and he both checked out of their relationship a long time ago. I believe that he tried on his own to fix it - but whatever he did didn't work for her, or she just wasn't willing. Either way, the relationship is dead now and has been for years bc of that complacency. It's always a sad story to hear when that happens to two people who obviously once loved each other.

[eleanorrigby]

Nah my day is getting no better.

 

I probably shouldn't be in this thread right now because I'm not feeling good about my marriage at the moment and I hate this feeling.

[AnotherRound]

Nah my day is getting no better.

 

I probably shouldn't be in this thread right now because I'm not feeling good about my marriage at the moment and I hate this feeling.

 

I hate days like that I hope it gets better soon.

[eleanorrigby]

I hate days like that I hope it gets better soon.

 

When I feel like this is feels like it's never going to get better.

[AnotherRound]

When I feel like this is feels like it's never going to get better.

 

That's why I hate them... they seem so damn long, never ending almost, and with no light at the end of the tunnel.

 

But from all of your posts, it seems that it HAS gotten better for you. Maybe focusing on that would help? In that, you remember how far you two have come, how bad it was at those really low moments, but how you both bounced back - together, and stronger, closer. Maybe that would help?

 

Sometimes, when I have a day like that, I don't even try to cheer myself up. I just get a glass of wine, put on a sad movie, and cry - and let biology do its magic by releasing extra serotonin into my brain. And hope that the next day, when I wake up, it will be better.

 

Again, sorry it's one of those days for you... sending you healing thoughts.