Pyro Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 I don't read here often, but when I do, it stands out to me too that there are SO many unhappy threads. That's the point of this web forum. If there weren't unhappy stories out there then this place would have no purpose and wouldn't exist. As far as marriages go I agree that many people out there stop trying once they are married and that is a big factor in the current divorce rate. I think that by law all couples should have to attend a marriage refresher course annually. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 It's not just what I read here but in general what I have seen over the years. I admit I am working in a much more positive enviroment but when I was working with the chamber of commerce and hanging with rich business folks the majority of them were cheating on their spouses being cheated, being taken to the cleaners and were just generally unhappy. I think if my former boss were murdered was wife would just shrug and continue spending his money. By no means am I insulting good and happy marriages but I am not just pulling this stuff out of nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
GoneToCode Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Because if you are happily married you wouldn't likely be looking for a website called 'loveshack.org'. Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I'm happily married. Hi BetheButterfly! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 That's the point of this web forum. If there weren't unhappy stories out there then this place would have no purpose and wouldn't exist. As far as marriages go I agree that many people out there stop trying once they are married and that is a big factor in the current divorce rate. I think that by law all couples should have to attend a marriage refresher course annually. Agree! Along with everyone having to state EXACTLY what they expect out of the relationship so that there are no surprises later on. And, review that sometimes in case it has changed so that each person has a chance to leave if the relationship isn't going to be what they "signed up for". Although, my exH and I did pre-marriage counseling and it didn't work. Of course, the preacher that did the sessions with us was hesitant, thinking we wouldn't make it. He even made a big deal out of the fact that nobody he had done the counseling with and married had ever gotten divorced - but we didn't listen. So, I don't know if we are the only divorced couple he ever married - but I sure wish we had listened all those years ago! He was so right that we were NOT a good fit! Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Because when people marry men expect everything to stay the same while women want things to change. Like their weight. And haircut. And sex drive. And this is what frustrates me! Not that I care about weight and hair and such, but sex drive is going to be a HUGE part of any intimate relationship. But, the fact that some people get into marriage with ulterior motives - to change the other person, or hoping the other person adapts TO them, instead of getting into it accepting the other person. I mean, just choose someone that you can live your whole life with, not someone that you could live your whole life with IF a, b, and c. *sigh* And, it can be either gender, but I do think that is more women than men who go into marriage thinking that the husband will change and become what they REALLY want. So silly, when what they REALLY want is out there, if they'd just look around instead of settling for "close" to what they want with the hopes of change. And, I think this is why I hear so many men saying that the women changed the rules on them. That they are in a marriage that they did NOT agree to - bc what they agreed to and what they have are night and day different. And, imo, if people would just be honest about what they want from the relationship, this would be far less common. If a woman truly just wants security, and children, but isn't really interested in an intimate relationship? Then just say that! Save everyone the trouble of getting 10 years in, with children and all kinds of entanglements, and changing the rules, and expecting the husband to just go along with it bc it's too hard to get out of! And, if a husband just wants a trophy wife? Not a woman that has her own mind or her own goals... then just say that! If you don't have any intention of treating her like an equal, then don't pretend like you do! I don't understand it personally, I say exactly what I am looking for and needing and wanting. If someone can't meet those needs, I don't spend my life frustrated trying to get them to fit my mold. I keep looking. There are people out there to fit everyone's mold - if they take the time to find them, instead of marrying someone else that's "close" (or even not close!) bc they feel like they can "make" it fit together. It's like trying to put a puzzle together with none of the right pieces together - but smashing the wrong pieces and MAKING them fit - and then getting all upset bc it looks ugly when you're done. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 It's not just what I read here but in general what I have seen over the years. I admit I am working in a much more positive enviroment but when I was working with the chamber of commerce and hanging with rich business folks the majority of them were cheating on their spouses being cheated, being taken to the cleaners and were just generally unhappy. I think if my former boss were murdered was wife would just shrug and continue spending his money. By no means am I insulting good and happy marriages but I am not just pulling this stuff out of nowhere. Kind of funny being that you are the only person on here who has ever said that they run into so many people involved in bad relationships. Because if you are happily married you wouldn't likely be looking for a website called 'loveshack.org'. Lots of people (me for example) were here before marriage for other reasons, mine being an ex. Generally happy couples are not going to go online to look for a web forum to state that they are in a happy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Why are most threads about marriage so negative? Is marriage a nightmare for most people?When was the last time you browsed the Dating section? The marriage section is like a light, breezy happy place in comparison! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Kind of funny being that you are the only person on here who has ever said that they run into so many people involved in bad relationships. No I am not. I read plenty of comments from people who say that most of their married friends settled and they don't see too many happy marriages. I am not the only one saying it. There was a poster who hung out with her old high school friends and said herself that most of them seem to hate their husbands. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 First, as has been said, LS is for those who need feedback or help or support. So, naturally, the sad moments in marriage will be posted here. Second, personally, I vent here when I get so frustrated with what is wrong with my marriage that one would assume it is completely horrible. It is far from that. Many think I don't have the guts to leave, but the fact remains, I don't WANT to leave. Despite our lack of sex, my wife is still my best friend and the one I enjoy chatting with. Despite the bad times, the good ones outweigh them. If I started a thread every time we had good times or if I posted every time we do have sex, then I have no doubt many would wonder why. "What? No problem or question?" Emphatically, I can say that despite the one problem that I post about (which may be medical or not) my wife is still the one who I want. Third, currently you are in a good marriage. If I read right, then you have already been divorced once. Imagine yourself having found this place then and not now. I suspect that you would better understand the "unhappy" threads. Fourth, as you know from your past, one year of marriage is a good start, but time has a way of changing things both for good and bad. Keeping the attitude that you have is a great way to move through the bad into the good. And do not be afraid to post here on LS if/when you DO have bad times. No one assumes that marriages need to be perfect, and no one expects it. Today's happiness or sadness is not a predictor of tomorrow's mood, but if underneath there is a commitment to stick it out, then LS becomes a place to vent and keep the commitment strong. Hence the sad threads. Fifth, many of us who say we have good marriages felt differently a few months ago. Many who have bad marriages will feel differently in a few months. The point is....refer to my first point. I don't view the many sad threads as always meaning there is a bad marriage behind each thread. I view these threads as a cry help or a venting of frustration. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 What I have surmised is most human nature is to look at the glass half full. The majority of humans find looking at the negative of things, and focusing there, is a more natural state of mind. So that seems to pan out everyone. You ask why there aren't happier stories/threads? Great question! There should be and it is sad that people feel that the only need of a forum is to post negative topics. You can work towards changing that, start posting happier threads and ask others to contribute. I am similar, I like to focus on the positive as well. Take up the charge and start including happy tidbits each week for others to add to. Post threads asking for marital advice from others for a happier marriage. It isn't that bad things don't happen but I think many have found silver linings after the dark clouds. They have useful knowledge they can impart on everyone. I also think there is a belief that if you are posting (or saying in life) about all of these great things that one you are bragging and/or tempting fate for some negativity. I think we are afraid to be happy at times and negative is a safer place to be. I do not believe that marriages are any happier or unhappier now than any other point in time. I do not believe the divorce rates is a clear indication of this. There are too many other forces that impact the above to see a clear connection between the two. I do think that we need, as a society, need to start looking at, focusing on, and teaching what makes relationships successful and healthy and start teaching these practices to our kids. We see and learn about what not to do but how much information, examples, etc do we have growing up to show us the positive? Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 That's the point of this web forum. If there weren't unhappy stories out there then this place would have no purpose and wouldn't exist. Exactly. This is a support forum. Someone who is pretty content with the way their life is going doesn't need support and isn't going to seek it out. As far as marriages go I agree that many people out there stop trying once they are married and that is a big factor in the current divorce rate. I think that by law all couples should have to attend a marriage refresher course annually. Honestly, I don't see what the point is in fixating on the divorce rate. If people are marrying for stupid reasons or if people are growing apart and find they're no longer compatible or if people are miserable because they made some mistakes, like any normal human being, then what's the problem if they get divorced? It seems like a good thing that they should be able to do it. The way it works now, divorce is a drag on the economy and a waste of time and resources, but other than that, what's the big deal? As for a marriage refresher course, I don't think that'd be all that useful or necessary. There are some people who stay together for practical reasons even though they don't really love each other anymore. What good would an annual refresher do? Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Honestly, I don't see what the point is in fixating on the divorce rate. If people are marrying for stupid reasons or if people are growing apart and find they're no longer compatible or if people are miserable because they made some mistakes, like any normal human being, then what's the problem if they get divorced? It seems like a good thing that they should be able to do it. The way it works now, divorce is a drag on the economy and a waste of time and resources, but other than that, what's the big deal? As for a marriage refresher course, I don't think that'd be all that useful or necessary. There are some people who stay together for practical reasons even though they don't really love each other anymore. What good would an annual refresher do? I just don't like the individuals who come on here and spew their crap saying that any man who gets married in today's age is dumb. Yes divorces happen but that doesn't mean that all marriages are doomed. I think that the refresher would help those who aren't necessarily the best talkers and help bring issues/concerns out into the open so that they can be discussed and a solution can be made. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 No I am not. I read plenty of comments from people who say that most of their married friends settled and they don't see too many happy marriages. I am not the only one saying it. There was a poster who hung out with her old high school friends and said herself that most of them seem to hate their husbands. Show me some examples. I'm not buying it. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 Show me some examples. I'm not buying it. I remember D-Lish used to say that she hangs out with her high school girlfriends and they are all miserable in their marriages Eternal Sunshine is always saying how all her friends feel like they settled. I can go on. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I remember D-Lish used to say that she hangs out with her high school girlfriends and they are all miserable in their marriages Eternal Sunshine is always saying how all her friends feel like they settled. I can go on. Woggle, I understand where you are coming from, but I am guessing that Pierre won't buy these as good examples. When we get "I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend," then it becomes less believable. In my personal life, very, very few husbands speak badly of their wives, and vice versa. This doesn't mean they are all happy, but anger and frustration usually come out in sarcasm at minimal. I have heard people say it here, too, but IRL, I can't say I have heard it. I do know we tend to remember either negatives or positives about situations (ie relationships) depending on how we feel at the time. Perhaps if DLish or ES posted about this, then it might help the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I remember D-Lish used to say that she hangs out with her high school girlfriends and they are all miserable in their marriages Eternal Sunshine is always saying how all her friends feel like they settled. I can go on. What James said. Show us some specific posts/threads. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 What James said. Show us some specific posts/threads. I don't have time to digging around. You read their posts as well so you know it too. People just won't admit that even though their marriages are happy as mine is as well people these days have very good reasons for being cynical about the institution. They won't admit that maybe I am right about something. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I don't have time to digging around. You read their posts as well so you know it too. People just won't admit that even though their marriages are happy as mine is as well people these days have very good reasons for being cynical about the institution. They won't admit that maybe I am right about something. Well you are blowing smoke up our as$es then since you can't cite sources, plus two people out of the thousands on here and you act like marriage is in more turmoil then it actually is. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 I had a great marriage, but I'd never do it again. EVER. Most marriages are s@#! and most people know it, but desperatly want to think otherwise. People are raised to believe in a fairy tale and the reason most fall apart is because they think that the wedding is the payoff and don't realize that's when the work starts. I had a horrible first and a great marriage right now. I after my first divorce that I would rather drink acid than get married but you know how love can change a person's mind. At least I did it for love and not to just do it. That being said I don't blame people for being cynical and I don't get why people feel I am devaluing marriage. I am not cheating on my wife, treating her like crap, trashing her behind her back, abusing or neglecting her or leaving her without warning. Blame the people who do that and not the people who look at the state of marriage these days and decide they want no part of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 That being said I don't blame people for being cynical and I don't get why people feel I am devaluing marriage. I am not cheating on my wife, treating her like crap, trashing her behind her back, abusing or neglecting her or leaving her without warning. Blame the people who do that and not the people who look at the state of marriage these days and decide they want no part of it. You won't admit but you trashed your wife on here for the longest time always accusing her of eventually going to leave you and you can't be 100% honest with her about your feelings and I recall when you almost divorced her because of some articles you read online with comments from clear as day trolls, but I am done making this thread about you. It's not the state of marriage that is in shambles, it's the state of people who are too lazy and stubborn to try and make things work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 28, 2012 Share Posted September 28, 2012 You won't admit but you trashed your wife on here for the longest time always accusing her of eventually going to leave you and you can't be 100% honest with her about your feelings and I recall when you almost divorced her because of some articles you read online with comments from clear as day trolls, but I am done making this thread about you. It's not the state of marriage that is in shambles, it's the state of people who are too lazy and stubborn to try and make things work. I will be the first to admit I have made mistakes and it is not easy getting over my trust issues but I always say those are my issues and not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Later82012 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 (edited) What is the overall divorce rate in America? If it is closer to 50%, does that mean the people in the remaining half of the marriages are happy? What percentage of them do you guys think are unhappy but stuck in those marriages? I am not being negative here, I am just trying to understand the statistics. I edited the post because I wanted to add that the majority of the remaining half that are in marriages must be happy. So, if we are talking about only people that are still in marriages then I think I agree that most must be happy. Edited September 29, 2012 by Later82012 Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 I edited the post because I wanted to add that the majority of the remaining half that are in marriages must be happy. So, if we are talking about only people that are still in marriages then I think I agree that most must be happy. Based on my observations IRL, I strongly disagree. Of course, I'm not privy to what goes on behind their closed doors. But it seems such an odd dichotomy to me - why demonstrate such misery to the outside world if you're actually happy at home? Who would want to live like that? Apparently, they do. So I guess I'm missing something. There's nothing noble about "sticking it out" with a spouse you hate or an unfulfilling M. Contrary to the strongly-held beliefs of my parents' generation... not to mention my own religion (Christianity). "It is good to be single." --Paul 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 To just throw this out there, I have been happily married for 17 years now on my one and only wife. I come on here to help me appreciate my wife more and to learn to avoid the pitfalls that a lot of marriages have been destroyed by. Reading about the train wrecks and misery of other peoples relationships has done my marriage wonders...thanks. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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