Thought it was too good to be true ... smoker

[wwwjd]

That's a very shallow view you have, but you've obviously made up your mind.

 

 

hahahahahaha most hilarious sarcasm I've read online today! thanks for that! It WAS Sarcasm.... right? Because the post you replied to was so obviously true it has to be sarcasm

[MercuryMorrison1]

I could never date a smoker...

 

I've got a female friend who smokes and first of all, I HATE the way cigarette smoke smells, and cigarette smokes clings to your cloths and makes you smell that way even long after you have left the company of the smoker in question.

 

Secondly, her life litterally revolves around smoking, she constantly has to stop what she's doing to take ''smoke breaks'' and if she can't for whatever reason take a smoke break she gets irratble and starts treating everyone around her like crap until she can have a smoke break.

 

Lastly, and most importantly...I like my lungs, and I want to keep them in working order for as long as possible. I hate being around people who smoke because it subjects me and my non-smoker lungs to second hand smoke. I shouldn't have to suffer from COPD or something similer years down the road because my signifigant other started smoking when they were 15 and just couldn't stop.

 

I understand smokings an addiction, and like addiction's its tough to break. But ultimatly YOU are the one who chooses to smoke or not. If you get rejected in dating because you smoke you have no one to blame but yourself.

[ThaWholigan]

Psshh, people shouldn't smoke cigarettes.

 

 

They should smoke weed instead :lmao:. Or at least get a vaporizer

[Els]

I can't believe you would throw away the possibility of something good, just because some one smokes.

 

Why not? It's a far more reasonable deal breaker than some I've seen around here, to be honest. Yes, you can overlook 'certain things', but to some of us, smoking isn't one of them. I can overlook a person being short, or slightly overweight, or having a lesser income, or many of the other things that others cannot... But I absolutely cannot overlook smoking. People have a right to want what they want.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Smoking was supposed to be a dealbreaker for me, but when I met my husband it was obvious that I was going to have to do some adjusting on that front.

 

It's a valid dealbreaker if you think it's valid.

 

For me, though - I would have been a complete fool, and deservedly single for the rest of my life, if I rejected my man because he smokes. He is the man for me. :love:

 

That said, though - once I accepted it, then I had to own that acceptance. It gets more difficult now that we are planning to be ancient together. I already saw my parents to their graves; my dad's death was smoking related and my mom was succumbing to chronic respiratory problems when she died of other causes. I am not looking forward to nursing my husband when he gets emphysema or whatever. Nope, not at all.

 

But I made the right decision. For me.

[yongyong]

I am a smoker. If a girl doesn't like smoking, I wouldn't smoke around her.

If we get serious (living together), I will probably cut it down or try to quit. (positive pressure by her is good)

 

Btw I can't tolerate any extra fat on woman I like. I will try to pressure her to stay in shape in a healthy way too.

 

To the op, it really depends on the guy. If you are just some girl to him, he wouldn't try hard or even stop hanging out with you. If he is smart enough and really likes you, he will bend over.

[LittlePrince]

I got chatting online with this really great guy. He sounds intelligent, kind, considerate, witty, and I like his picture too. We seem to have hit it off straight away. But. Yes, there had to be a but. He smokes - not a heavy smoker, but definitely a smoker. Is there much of a difference between heavy and not so heavy anyway? It still takes time away from everything else, is really bad for health and smells bad.

 

I doubt I've ever had an instant connection as good as this. Why did the guy have to smoke? There's no point taking it further. I'd want him to give up and I don't want to be the bad guy in all this forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I wouldn't want to be around while he went through that either, getting blamed for the bad days.

 

What would you do?

I'd obsess even more on this one person to convince myself that my romantic life was completely hopeless until I moved on to another unattainable or one with irreconcilable differences who I could repeat the downward spiral with until I'm shouting at date nut bread for being nutty and raving at the screws in my walls with condescending commentary on how they were screwier than I.

[Dusk1983]

To me it's something stupid to get bent out of shape over, but I smoke so i'm biased.

 

The neurotic behavior of some non-smokers is more of a parody than anything, they specialize in looking for politically correct targets to berate to feel better about themselves. Nothing like enjoying a smoke with my coffee on my lunch break surrounded by a chain of city buses in grid-lock traffic in one of the dirtiest cities on the planet, then having some fatty post-modern male estrogen ball in a fanny pack walk by me and fake-cough while waddling down the street.

 

I'm trying to see it from the non-smokers perspective, and kissing someone who smokes can't be any worse than kissing someone who likes to eat fish or garlic-laden food. Ever smell someone whose just eaten Curry? Now that's something that'll put you on your ass.

 

Finding a great and compatible mate is a lot harder than finding a non-smoker. There aren't as many fish in the sea as you think, but hey, if your yucky!! factor is so sensitive you can't comprimise to meet a great possible suitor half-way, then have fun being alone, luckily for you cats don't usually smoke.

 

Brilliant.

[LittlePrince]

To me it's something stupid to get bent out of shape over, but I smoke so i'm biased.

 

The neurotic behavior of some non-smokers is more of a parody than anything, they specialize in looking for politically correct targets to berate to feel better about themselves. Nothing like enjoying a smoke with my coffee on my lunch break surrounded by a chain of city buses in grid-lock traffic in one of the dirtiest cities on the planet, then having some fatty post-modern male estrogen ball in a fanny pack walk by me and fake-cough while waddling down the street.

 

I'm trying to see it from the non-smokers perspective, and kissing someone who smokes can't be any worse than kissing someone who likes to eat fish or garlic-laden food. Ever smell someone whose just eaten Curry? Now that's something that'll put you on your ass.

 

Finding a great and compatible mate is a lot harder than finding a non-smoker. There aren't as many fish in the sea as you think, but hey, if your yucky!! factor is so sensitive you can't comprimise to meet a great possible suitor half-way, then have fun being alone, luckily for you cats don't usually smoke.

If we are talking about cigarettes then for the most part they are horrible. You should upgrade your smoking habit. Start pipe and cigar smoking. They smell nicer and fewer will complain.

[Els]

I find it amusing that the people who require non-smokers are labelled 'neurotic' and their reasons trivialized to 'not being able to stand yucky kisses'. What about those who don't want fat people? Will you call them vain, judgemental, shallow, and superficial? Those who don't want someone who makes less money? Materialistic, mercenary gold-diggers? The list goes on and on, doesn't it?

 

'Yucky kisses' is the least of the problems of dating a smoker, and assuming that that is the reason only displays a total and complete lack of medical knowledge of the person assuming such. Smoking is a huge, huge risk factor for a whole host of fatal and debilitating illnesses, as much so as obesity, and MUCH more so than being slightly overweight. Incredibly ironic that the few posters who get their panties all in a bunch when anyone states preferences for non-smokers, are the very same posters who treat anyone remotely close to overweight as the modern equivalent of a leper. The only difference between an overweight person and a smoker is that nobody contracts terminal illnesses from living with an overweight person.

 

I fully respect the rights of others, such as Mme Chaucer, to choose to live with smokers. Equally so, those who choose NOT to, such as the OP, deserve to be respected as well.

[Els]

Accept it or don't accept it. If he's otherwise a good guy, then you shouldn't complain. If he's a complete and utter monster who smokes, then you have some leverage to leave him.

 

I for one do not understand why it is that people insist on being so uptight abour it. It's socially acceptable to heckle and turn your nose up to someone if they are smokers, publically even. But if you have some other problem (alcoholism, drug addiction, obesity, etc.) it's something that we whisper about rather than confront others about. People sure do prove themselves to be hypocrites about it.

 

So... you would date alcoholics, drug addicts, and obese people? I wouldn't. Just because someone minds smokers doesn't mean that they don't ALSO mind the others. There are plenty of great guys who aren't alcoholics, drug addicts, or obese... and also don't smoke. Those guys constitute more than 50% of my social circle. It's not an unreasonable base expectation at all, and FWIW I have never had any trouble finding such men.

[MercuryMorrison1]

To me it's something stupid to get bent out of shape over, but I smoke so i'm biased.

 

The neurotic behavior of some non-smokers is more of a parody than anything, they specialize in looking for politically correct targets to berate to feel better about themselves. Nothing like enjoying a smoke with my coffee on my lunch break surrounded by a chain of city buses in grid-lock traffic in one of the dirtiest cities on the planet, then having some fatty post-modern male estrogen ball in a fanny pack walk by me and fake-cough while waddling down the street.

 

I'm trying to see it from the non-smokers perspective, and kissing someone who smokes can't be any worse than kissing someone who likes to eat fish or garlic-laden food. Ever smell someone whose just eaten Curry? Now that's something that'll put you on your ass.

 

Finding a great and compatible mate is a lot harder than finding a non-smoker. There aren't as many fish in the sea as you think, but hey, if your yucky!! factor is so sensitive you can't comprimise to meet a great possible suitor half-way, then have fun being alone, luckily for you cats don't usually smoke.

 

I don't like being in the company of people who are smoking but I am by no means a fanny pack wearing ball of estrogen who waddles away in an asthmatic cough fit at the first site of cigarette smoke. But if you are judging someone's masculinity based on their smoking preferance's then you probably need to re-evaluate how you look at people.

 

Just because someone smokes doesn't make them anymore of a hardass or marlboro man ''pun intended'' than someone who doesn't. Anyone who beleives in that bull$hit need to stop taking cigarette advertisements so seriously and catch up with reality. I'm a black belt in Jiu-Jitsu but I don't smoke, does that make me a pussie?

 

I agree that its hard to find a suitable mate, but there are litterally plenty of fish in the sea...I would settle being with a smoker only under the circumstance that she was EVERYTHING I've ever wanted in a girl, physically, mentally and emotionally. Other than that, why would lower my standerds for a complete stranger?

 

We all have standerds, You do to. You don't see smoking as an issue because you yourself are a smoker and probably have been most of your life, so its a non-issue for you, and that's fine...What works some won't work for others and vice/versa.

[spiderowl]

That's a very shallow view you have, but you've obviously made up your mind.

 

I don't see what's shallow about avoiding something that affects my health. If I spend time with a smoker, even if not in the same room, I cough half the night. I also feel light-headed near cigarette smoke. Just exactly how is avoiding something that makes me ill shallow?

[spiderowl]

Smoking was supposed to be a dealbreaker for me, but when I met my husband it was obvious that I was going to have to do some adjusting on that front.

 

It's a valid dealbreaker if you think it's valid.

 

For me, though - I would have been a complete fool, and deservedly single for the rest of my life, if I rejected my man because he smokes. He is the man for me. :love:

 

That said, though - once I accepted it, then I had to own that acceptance. It gets more difficult now that we are planning to be ancient together. I already saw my parents to their graves; my dad's death was smoking related and my mom was succumbing to chronic respiratory problems when she died of other causes. I am not looking forward to nursing my husband when he gets emphysema or whatever. Nope, not at all.

 

But I made the right decision. For me.

 

I do understand. I know that if I met him and accepted him, despite the smoking, then I'm stuck with a long-term problem. His health will be damaged, as well as mine. He won't want to give up and I'd be in the position of trying to persuade him or pressuring him. I reject those roles. Ultimately, a guy is responsible for his own smoking. If he smokes, he can't be with me. It's his choice.

[spiderowl]

Brilliant.

 

I guess you can't see it from a non-smoker's perspective if you aren't one.

[wwwjd]

What if is was a habitual flatulator? Someone who's constant stream of flatulance, both audiable or silent, floats around them whenever you are near their personal space, it follows them everywhere, they even do it on purpose by choice, their car smells of it, their hair, breath, kisses, clothes, house.....

 

Maybe I am just being too picky

[Mme. Chaucer]

I do understand. I know that if I met him and accepted him, despite the smoking, then I'm stuck with a long-term problem. His health will be damaged, as well as mine. He won't want to give up and I'd be in the position of trying to persuade him or pressuring him. I reject those roles. Ultimately, a guy is responsible for his own smoking. If he smokes, he can't be with me. It's his choice.

 

I guess you've made up your mind, then. "If he smokes, he can't be with me" is a little bit of a dramatic statement for you to be making about a guy you have never even met. I don't understand why you even communicated with a smoker enough to think you like him, if you are not open to the possibility of being with a smoker. Why?

 

FYI, accepting a person and the reality that they are a smoker MEANS that you are not going to be pressuring and persuading them to quit. It means that you accept them with their nasty habit. Package deal.

 

My husband does NOT smoke in our house, or in my cars (he smokes in his own). He NEVER smokes next to me. My health is not going to be damaged by his smoking.

 

In our situation, he had surgery and didn't smoke for a few days and then he decided he was going to quit. He put himself in the position of being accountable to me for that. He did not succeed, but now that he has told me that he IS going to quit smoking, I no longer feel that it's taboo for me to bring it up and make his smoking a little bit less comfortable for him.

 

I wish my husband didn't smoke - I really hope he stops. But I would MUCH rather have 3, 5, 10, 20 years with him and ultimately lose him to smoking than to have not joined my life with him at all.

 

That is just me though. I surely understand smoking being a big enough turn-off to some people that it can render a person completely unattractive to them.

[FitChick]

I'm assuming that people who think you are shallow for not dating a smoker would feel the same if he were a recreational drug user, alcoholic or overeater. Yet none of those last three affect you directly like sitting with a smoker would. ALL of those bad habits (that's what they are, not diseases) are detrimental to their health and show a lack of self respect and self discipline. Deal breakers for me.

[surlyboy]

I got chatting online with this really great guy. He sounds intelligent, kind, considerate, witty, and I like his picture too. We seem to have hit it off straight away. But. Yes, there had to be a but. He smokes - not a heavy smoker, but definitely a smoker. Is there much of a difference between heavy and not so heavy anyway? It still takes time away from everything else, is really bad for health and smells bad.

 

I doubt I've ever had an instant connection as good as this. Why did the guy have to smoke? There's no point taking it further. I'd want him to give up and I don't want to be the bad guy in all this forcing him to do something he doesn't want. I wouldn't want to be around while he went through that either, getting blamed for the bad days.

 

What would you do?

 

Ask him if he wants to quit. I have had trouble smoking since high school. I hate smoking and its hard to quit because people smoke around me every day. I want to quit. Since cigarettes are as addictive as Heroin and you can buy them about anyplace legally, why freak out because he has a hard time kicking the bad habit. Can you blame him? I worry that a woman will do the same thing you're describing here and not even give me a chance to give it up. Why are the deal breakers so fast and furious? Considering so many of my friends have been married for over 10 years, its funny to read this. I've seen people in long term relationships quit smoking, lose weight, start exercising/get healthy, go back to school and so on. Its kind of funny and depressing to me how we are all so quick to judge out of the gate and give up the potential for years of happiness and love over something the person was doing at one point in their life.

 

I quit for 3 years and started again after a woman I really liked broke up with me. I would hate to lose a woman over that. You would know in a short period of time if he would quit, or capable. Id give him a little time and if he doesn't, then I'd move on.

[thatone]

i agree with the points above that all of this is semantics over someone you're emailing on a dating site. you don't know anything about him and he doesn't know anything about you. you could both be lying your asses off to each other.

 

trying to disqualify people you haven't met yet is a sign of crazy, and a lot more likely to end any potential with any guy you meet than their habits.

[MercuryMorrison1]

(My responses in bold)

 

I never said anything about your smoking preferences. What I mean is that it is hilariously unmanly to see a man go "EWWW SMOKE! *fake cough* *fake cough*" while holding his nose and making a hysterical spectacle- "DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD SMOKING IS!" .

 

I agree its funny to watch people overreact to it. I personally just walk away or politely ask the smoker in question to blow their smoke away from me. If they can't spare my request any respect then I'll just leave.

 

 

Smoking doesn't make you masculine, but neither does having a black belt in naked sweaty man-wrestling.

 

Hey.Hey.Hey. I never claimed my man wrestling made me any more of a man.

 

 

The only people who have limitless options are western women in their 20's and millionaire dirty old men like Hugh Hefner. Everyone else, if they meet someone they click with, should work past any small obstacles to achieve sexual and spiritual bliss. Of course, should is not must, if you really think there are plenty of fish in the sea, then, by all means go Fish . But with that, you chuck out the window the right to complain when you run out of cards and the pools empty .

 

I beleive that people only limit themselves as to who and/or what they can have. Anyone can have anything or ''anyone'' they desire if they are willing to put the effort into getting it...Problum is, most people aren't willing.

 

 

Agreed. I was just giving OP some advice, as she seemed to be sort of borderline and re-thinking her "standard".

[FitChick]

trying to disqualify people you haven't met yet is a sign of crazy, and a lot more likely to end any potential with any guy you meet than their habits.

I think it's crazier to meet someone you know you won't be attracted to or who has different habits, dreams, goals, values, etc. "Why did you go out with me when you knew I wanted to get married and have five kids and you didn't?" Even meeting someone in real life (set up by a friend, for example) involves a screening process. Otherwise, you are either stupid or desperate.

[spiderowl]

I guess you've made up your mind, then. "If he smokes, he can't be with me" is a little bit of a dramatic statement for you to be making about a guy you have never even met. I don't understand why you even communicated with a smoker enough to think you like him, if you are not open to the possibility of being with a smoker. Why?

 

FYI, accepting a person and the reality that they are a smoker MEANS that you are not going to be pressuring and persuading them to quit. It means that you accept them with their nasty habit. Package deal.

 

My husband does NOT smoke in our house, or in my cars (he smokes in his own). He NEVER smokes next to me. My health is not going to be damaged by his smoking.

 

In our situation, he had surgery and didn't smoke for a few days and then he decided he was going to quit. He put himself in the position of being accountable to me for that. He did not succeed, but now that he has told me that he IS going to quit smoking, I no longer feel that it's taboo for me to bring it up and make his smoking a little bit less comfortable for him.

 

I wish my husband didn't smoke - I really hope he stops. But I would MUCH rather have 3, 5, 10, 20 years with him and ultimately lose him to smoking than to have not joined my life with him at all.

 

That is just me though. I surely understand smoking being a big enough turn-off to some people that it can render a person completely unattractive to them.

 

It might seem dramatic but it's not; it's essential to me. I just don't want to get involved in it all. I've been through all this with a close relative who won't last much longer because of a smoking-related illness. It's sad, worrying, uncomfortable, smelly, inconvenient (because they can't go to the same places), and a huge passion killer.

 

He contacted me first so I didn't actually take the first step. I wouldn't have. He sounds nice, but it doesn't mean anything but friendship could come of it if he smokes. I won't be persuading or pressuring him to quit because I won't be his partner if he smokes. I don't want to be in that role. I'm not going to be the 'bad guy' who is complaining and wondering how to get round it. I'd rather be alone.

 

A person to who smokes is not free, they already have a mistress.

[spiderowl]

Ask him if he wants to quit. I have had trouble smoking since high school. I hate smoking and its hard to quit because people smoke around me every day. I want to quit. Since cigarettes are as addictive as Heroin and you can buy them about anyplace legally, why freak out because he has a hard time kicking the bad habit. Can you blame him? I worry that a woman will do the same thing you're describing here and not even give me a chance to give it up. Why are the deal breakers so fast and furious? Considering so many of my friends have been married for over 10 years, its funny to read this. I've seen people in long term relationships quit smoking, lose weight, start exercising/get healthy, go back to school and so on. Its kind of funny and depressing to me how we are all so quick to judge out of the gate and give up the potential for years of happiness and love over something the person was doing at one point in their life.

 

I quit for 3 years and started again after a woman I really liked broke up with me. I would hate to lose a woman over that. You would know in a short period of time if he would quit, or capable. Id give him a little time and if he doesn't, then I'd move on.

 

Ask him if he wants to quit. I have had trouble smoking since high school. I hate smoking and its hard to quit because people smoke around me every day. I want to quit. Since cigarettes are as addictive as Heroin and you can buy them about anyplace legally, why freak out because he has a hard time kicking the bad habit. Can you blame him? I worry that a woman will do the same thing you're describing here and not even give me a chance to give it up. Why are the deal breakers so fast and furious? Considering so many of my friends have been married for over 10 years, its funny to read this. I've seen people in long term relationships quit smoking, lose weight, start exercising/get healthy, go back to school and so on. Its kind of funny and depressing to me how we are all so quick to judge out of the gate and give up the potential for years of happiness and love over something the person was doing at one point in their life.

 

I quit for 3 years and started again after a woman I really liked broke up with me. I would hate to lose a woman over that. You would know in a short period of time if he would quit, or capable. Id give him a little time and if he doesn't, then I'd move on.

 

I understand what you are saying and I do feel sorry for smokers because it is very tough to give up, but I don't want to be involved with his quitting at all. That's the whole point. If he wants to quit, he should quit. It has nothing to do with me and I don't want to be the reason he feels he has to 'deprive himself' of his cigarettes. I don't want to feel responsible for making someone quite because of me. Surely there would always been some underlying resentment from the smoker, if they gave up for someone else?

 

As I said, I have a family member who is ill because of smoking. I feel helpless. I can't do anything, only watch and feel bad that they are getting worse and suffering. Ultimately, the smoker is the one who has the power to stop and protect themselves, not friends or family.

 

It is not as easy as giving him some time. What if I grow fond of him and fall in love? Then I'm in a double bind. If I leave I get hurt. I can avoid that hurt by not getting involved in the first place. I wouldn't knowingly get involved with a gambler, for fear of what would happen in the long run if his gambling got out of control and I had to leave, hurt and with that time wasted on sadness and worry. I wouldn't get involved with a smoker for the same reason. If you don't want to lose a woman because of smoking, stop before you even meet her.

[spiderowl]

I think it's crazier to meet someone you know you won't be attracted to or who has different habits, dreams, goals, values, etc. "Why did you go out with me when you knew I wanted to get married and have five kids and you didn't?" Even meeting someone in real life (set up by a friend, for example) involves a screening process. Otherwise, you are either stupid or desperate.

 

Completely agree. I have been in the situation where I thought a man might change over something with disagreed on. We were in love and thought love could overcome anything. It can't and people don't change that much. If you start out hoping he'll change something as strong as an addiction, you are really onto a loser.