Dating Someone Out of Your League?

[verhrzn]

You have a relationship - something that many people on this site would be thrilled to have.

 

Whether you're going to enjoy it or not is up to you.

 

I really don't believe the guys who claim they would LOVE a relationship where they felt the girl was only dating them out of desperation. I USED to think I'd love a relationship no matter what, no matter the circumstances... and then I was in a few where the guy was with me for his own selfish reasons, and it's no fun at all.

 

So anyone who envies my position should try it sometime, and then see if they are still envious.

[xxoo]

Why? So I can be completely defenseless when it happens? No, no, no more trusting naive girl. I want to prepare for things. It's why I started this thread... what should you be prepared for when dating someone out of your league, and "being dumped" is apparently one of them.

 

This is the crux of the issue. You've been hurt, and you have your walls up sky high to prevent future hurts.

 

There is no reward without risk. You don't have to let your walls all the way down right now, but you will need to eventually, gradually lower those walls if you ever wish to experience a great relationship.

 

Let him prove himself to you. Let him earn your trust. But also work on recognizing when trust is appropriate, and trusting accordingly.

[verhrzn]

Your boyfriend has said nothing about dating you out of desperation. You're just making that up cause you hate yourself and have no self esteem

 

My guess is your guy is a very nice guy who genuinely likes you and you're going to drive him with your usual obsessive self criticism, insecurities and self - sabotaging. How can you blame somebody for not wanting to be around that?

 

BTW I would kill to be in a relationship, just letting you know

 

You would kill to have a girl use you and then dump you when something better came along, because you did all the work and she had no better options?

 

No, he hasn't directly said that he's dating me out of desperation. Just that there are no girls around who are his age, that everybody in his small town is bland, that dating a new girl wouldn't be a good idea anyway since he's moving soon.... (I offered to move with him, something most girls wouldn't consider if they'd been with a guy less than a year.) He also thinks he can't get any better, because he has low self-esteem.

 

AKA, there are no better options.

Edited September 5, 2012 by verhrzn

[ThaWholigan]

I sense a familiar LS pattern emerging.......

[ascendotum]

The current guy, despite his many advantages, is VERY insecure. Women are constantly flirting with him, yet he still insists I'm better looking than him.... even though men never even give me a passing glance. His view of himself is very low, which is why I suspect he's just dating me out of desperation.

 

I understand why you are reading between the lines here with this guy, but really would you be happier dating a guy that you had to drop your standards to get with. A guy that had no other options, just so he would stick with you. No way. I bet you would secretly hate that. Be happy you get to experience a relationship with a great partner. It doesn't have to be happy ever after. A lot of people would be rapt to snag someone they think is above them. I can relate to your mindset when I was fortunate to land a really beautiful smart vivacious gf, and I couldn't understand why she was going out with me after numerous strike outs with plain girls + low confidence, but I can tell you now, like a few others have, your attitude will sabotage the relationship.

It's the curse of dating nerdy "nice" guys... They date me because they're just so happy SOMEone is paying attention to them, which grows their confidence, which then attracts better quality girls. They realize they can do much better than me, and dump me

Why should they not think the same about you.

Why cant you grow in confidence from dating a guy above your league like you are now, like you say your exes have?

Sounds like they grow in confidence, but quite possibly you always stay in debbie downer mode, so a schism develops.

If you really think nerdy 'nice' guys are a curse, then pursue 'nice' guys who aren't nerdy....date a few traddies.

[verhrzn]

Why should they not think the same about you.

Why cant you grow in confidence from dating a guy above your league like you are now, like you say your exes have?

Sounds like they grow in confidence, but quite possibly you always stay in debbie downer mode, so a schism develops.

If you really think nerdy 'nice' guys are a curse, then pursue 'nice' guys who aren't nerdy....date a few traddies.

 

Because I wouldn't dump a partner, even if I could "get better." More importantly, dating guys does not raise my confidence, because they are guys I pursued, guys I convinced to date me. How would that raise my confidence? Whereas they got pursued and I am giving them a steady stream of attention and compliments (something they don't usually give me.)

 

Nice guys who aren't nerdy don't like me. Nerds are the only type of guys who give me a chance. I have no idea what traddies are.

[Ruby Slippers]

You would kill to have a girl use you and then dump you when something better came along, because you did all the work and she had no better options?

This has not happened in this relationship.

 

You are operating on fears about things that might be, but that are not.

 

If you're really determined to make this doomsday fantasy a reality, you can and will do it.

[kaylan]

Seriously OP? Can you ever just be happy girl? For all the downtrodden posts youve made on this site, and for all the lamenting youve done regarding your love life, can you please just go with the flow and enjoy what you have.

 

Sure sometimes people use others as a placeholder until they meet their "dream guy/girl", but you cant sit and be paranoid of that. You have a great guy who has a good head on his shoulders. Enjoy whats been a good relationship so far. Dont sabotage this. Youre on the path of the negative self fulfilling prophecy. Dont do that.

 

Please.

[Lonely Ronin]

OK. So let's say you're with the sweet, cute girl, and you meet a sexy, hot girl at work or whatever. You discover you have a lot in common, you find her very attractive, and she's flirting with you. What do you do?

 

She would loose a lot of points for flirting with someone who she knows to be in a relationship. I'd make sure other single friends know she is sketchy as well. If she flirts with me and I'm in a relationship, how am I to know she won't flirt with another guy when she is in a relationship with me. Personally I find this entire line of thinking slightly irritating, because it's based on the assumption that I only care how physically attractive a woman is.

[ThaWholigan]

She would loose a lot of points for flirting with someone who she knows to be in a relationship. I'd make sure other single friends know she is sketchy as well. If she flirts with me and I'm in a relationship, how am I to know she won't flirt with another guy when she is in a relationship with me. Personally I find this entire line of thinking slightly irritating, because it's based on the assumption that I only care how physically attractive a woman is.

Preach

[SmileFace]

Why just not beat him to the punch and end it - since you obviously don't want a relationship?

[Ruby Slippers]

She would loose a lot of points for flirting with someone who she knows to be in a relationship. I'd make sure other single friends know she is sketchy as well. If she flirts with me and I'm in a relationship, how am I to know she won't flirt with another guy when she is in a relationship with me. Personally I find this entire line of thinking slightly irritating, because it's based on the assumption that I only care how physically attractive a woman is.

Well, I'm happy to see so many men here speaking up on this. The more I look for the good guys, the more of you I find. Very cool

[verhrzn]

Well, I'm happy to see so many men here speaking up on this. The more I look for the good guys, the more of you I find. Very cool

 

You don't find it incredibly harsh and judgmental that because a girl flirts with a taken guy, she therefore probably cheats when in a relationship herself?? I'm not sure if I'd qualify that as "good."

 

And the line of thinking ISN'T based on the idea that men only care about physical attraction, because the situation is if the compatibility is equal, which are you going to choose? The hotter one, obviously, because you still get the compatibility.

[Ruby Slippers]

You don't find it incredibly harsh and judgmental that because a girl flirts with a taken guy, she therefore probably cheats when in a relationship herself?? I'm not sure if I'd qualify that as "good."

You know, I think you could find a way for winning a million dollars in the lottery to be a bad thing.

 

I think it's a good thing that a guy would be wary of a woman who flirts with him knowing he's taken. I would do the same with a man flirting with me when he knows I'm taken. It would tell me he doesn't have strong values and respect for commitment.

 

And the line of thinking ISN'T based on the idea that men only care about physical attraction, because the situation is if the compatibility is equal, which are you going to choose? The hotter one, obviously, because you still get the compatibility.

No, the situation is that you're in the spot of honor right now - you are his girlfriend, and he loves you. But somehow, to you, being a good man's girlfriend and being loved by him is a bad thing.

[verhrzn]

You know, I think you could find a way for winning a million dollars in the lottery to be a bad thing.

 

I think it's a good thing that a guy would be wary of a woman who flirts with him knowing he's taken. I would do the same with a man flirting with me when he knows I'm taken. It would tell me he doesn't have strong values and respect for commitment.

 

Or it's because flirting is kinda fun and can be a nice ego boost. I flirt with the Korean girl who regularly serves me coffee, because we have a nice banter, not because I want to do her. (Being heterosexual and all.) No need to take flirting so seriously. Physical touching, express sexual or romantic comments, sure. But giving a coworker a bit of a wink over after-work beers is just most people's idea of harmless fun.

 

No, the situation is that you're in the spot of honor right now - you are his girlfriend, and he loves you. But somehow, to you, being a good man's girlfriend and being loved by him is a bad thing.

 

Because there is no guarantee he's a good man, but more importantly, being a good man doesn't prevent a man from trading up. It is natural for humans to want the best things. If he left one job for a better one, would we condemn him as a bad man? No, so why is he a bad man if he could get someone equally compatible, but more his equal? Why wouldn't you assume this would happen?

[Ruby Slippers]

Or it's because flirting is kinda fun and can be a nice ego boost. I flirt with the Korean girl who regularly serves me coffee, because we have a nice banter, not because I want to do her. (Being heterosexual and all.) No need to take flirting so seriously. Physical touching, express sexual or romantic comments, sure. But giving a coworker a bit of a wink over after-work beers is just most people's idea of harmless fun.

When I'm with someone, I don't flirt and I don't welcome flirtation from men. I am compatible with men who agree with me on that. If flirting isn't a problem for you, flirt away. But I like to see that other men share my view on the sanctity of a committed relationship.

 

Because there is no guarantee he's a good man, but more importantly, being a good man doesn't prevent a man from trading up. It is natural for humans to want the best things. If he left one job for a better one, would we condemn him as a bad man? No, so why is he a bad man if he could get someone equally compatible, but more his equal? Why wouldn't you assume this would happen?

Because I don't automatically assume the worst. I look for the best in people, and encourage them to strive for their higher nature, while keeping my expectations realistic.

 

One manifestation of this is the attitudes of the small staff who work for me. They all tell me that the way I work with them brings out their best, and they do things they didn't even know they could do before. That's because I focus on what they're doing right, reward them for it, and encourage them to develop their talents so they can make a great living doing what they love.

 

What are you offering this man that fires him up to please you and bring his best? Most men just want to be heroes for their women. If you've already condemned him as a dirt bag who's going to dump you for the first good-looking woman that walks by, this doesn't give him much room to win you over and make you happy.

[verhrzn]

When I'm with someone, I don't flirt and I don't welcome flirtation from men. I am compatible with men who agree with me on that. If flirting isn't a problem for you, flirt away. But I like to see that other men share my view on the sanctity of a committed relationship.

 

It's fine to have your own preferences... some people think kissing is no big deal, I do, whatever works for them.... but "sanctity of a committed relationship"? Getting just a wee bit judgmental aren't we? You connect flirting with intimacy with sex, but some people just connect flirting with fun, and would absolutely never sleep with someone else, whether the relationship status of either party. I certainly wouldn't, and I don't consider my view of flirting to diminish how committed I am in a relationship.

 

Perfectly okay to have a preference. Perfectly not okay to say because you don't share MY preference, then you don't share X value, when preference and value are not strictly linked.

 

What are you offering this man that fires him up to please you and bring his best? Most men just want to be heroes for their women. If you've already condemned him as a dirt bag who's going to dump you for the first good-looking woman that walks by, this doesn't give him much room to win you over and make you happy.

 

I do not need a hero. I find that idea rather abhorrent. I don't want to "inspire" someone to be their best... they should be their best independent of me, their personality should not adjust depending on how much they want to impress why. Because eventually they stop wanting to impress me, because other stuff gets in the way... so if he was acting the Hero just to please me, and he stops wanting to please me, he stops being the Hero. Better to have a guy who is a Hero irregardless of who it pleases.

 

I didn't say for the first good-looking woman who walks by. Does no one actually read my comments?? I said "equal compatibility, more physically attractive." AKA, he gets out of his one-horse town, gets to the Big Grad School City, and meets a sexy, fun, hot fellow grad student, why the heck wouldn't he dump me? And I don't see how that is condemning him as a dirt bag, so much as assuming he is a normal human being who wants the best from life.

[jobaba]

Because there is no guarantee he's a good man, but more importantly, being a good man doesn't prevent a man from trading up. It is natural for humans to want the best things. If he left one job for a better one, would we condemn him as a bad man? No, so why is he a bad man if he could get someone equally compatible, but more his equal? Why wouldn't you assume this would happen?

 

Not everybody thinks the best things are looks and career and money though.

 

My ex is pretty (tons of dudes have hit on her) and soon will finish her doctorate. She also owns her own business and two apartment buildings. She's been contacting me a lot lately. I will never date her again. She's too shallow and acidic (not horrible, just too much for me).

[Ruby Slippers]

Perfectly okay to have a preference. Perfectly not okay to say because you don't share MY preference, then you don't share X value, when preference and value are not strictly linked.

This has nothing to do with the thread topic. It seems clear to me that you just want to argue about anything.

 

I do not need a hero. I find that idea rather abhorrent.

Well, since my ideas are so abhorrent to you, I'll take them out of your thread. You obviously don't appreciate or respect my sincere effort to help.

 

My patience is pretty long - but you have effectively sapped it.

 

No one will like you or certainly love you if you're fighting tooth and nail to get them to stop.

[betterdeal]

What a waste of time and effort this thread is.

 

Clearly online peer-support fora are not effective for this user.

[PJKino]

I know i shouldnt talk since my self esteem is so low i cant even approach women but even im amazed at the level you display..sabotaging a potentially good thing?

 

If it doenst work out so what move on..most relationships dont work out..it almost seems youre hoping it doesnt just so u can say i told you so and stay in your comfortable self loathing bubble

[Lonely Ronin]

it almost seems youre hoping it doesnt just so u can say i told you so and stay in your comfortable self loathing bubble

 

I agree with this.

 

It seems that the most important things to her are being the best, or being right, nothing else matters.

[verhrzn]

I know i shouldnt talk since my self esteem is so low i cant even approach women but even im amazed at the level you display..sabotaging a potentially good thing?

 

I really don't get why people think me dating someone outside my league, who seems to be doing it out of desperation, is a "good thing." Is it some sort of forum-wide prank, that you guys wanna see me get kicked down as karma for how annoying you perceive me to be?

[breakup00]

We can go into detail about certain things that you wrote about.. but one thing seems very clear from everything you wrote - You have a low self esteem.

 

I think some things are made up.. like blaming the 'poor economy' or saying your not good enough for him.

 

How can anyone love you if you don't love yourself? This has nothing to do with comparing your career status to his or college gpa.

 

Feeling good about yourself and who your with is the most important thing. It appears that it's clear to you that it won't last. Not all relationships are meant to work out, but are you happy for right now?

 

You deserve the best and any career path is possible for you.

 

It might be nice to focus on your relationship with yourself.

[Leigh 87]

Please be aware of your self-sabotaging and find a way to turn down a different path - quickly.

 

 

 

 

THIS^^^

 

I have low self esteem because of an eating disorder I had for a long time. I found it hard to believe he was really sexually into me.

Look, if you always have these negative thoughts, it will just show in your relationship; where as if you were happy and positive about it all, your time together would be greatly different....

If your not directly asking him " look, I think I am below your league because of ___ and ____, how do you feel about that?" He will probably not want to stick around if he has to convince you your worthy of him.

 

Another important point you need to realise is; two people CAN fall in love and have a happy future, even if one spouse is better looking, more educated, or better in certain areas.

When will you learn that being YOU is enough for a guy?! With the right guy, he will not care if he has a PHD and your working as a waitress while you are studying yourself, or because there is no other work for you.

 

As long as a guy can connect with you in every way that meets his needs, and he falls really in love with you, that is all that matters. Look, your smart enough to talk to him about things that matter to him, and on a intellectual level that satisfies him. You are also attractive enough for him to have sex with.

Leagues are created in our heads because it has been drilled into us. Smart people who want to progress in life will tell the difference between; not being suitable or not. It is not about leagues, but rather about meeting someone who meets all your needs.

 

....you know that a waitress who is trying to launch a writing or acting career, who is with a doctor, can really satify him?

.... And an average looking girl who is dating a very attractive man, can also really make him happy, in the same way as a better looking women can?

 

There will always be someone prettier, smarter, and " better" then you. It is about finding a partner who just loves you for you.

As a women who also suffers from self esteem issues, I am happy to tell you about a lesson I learnt with my own partner; I have absolutely NO fear he will leave me now, because he really just wants ME. The essence of who I am, really sets me apart from some model rocket scientist who is totally awesome.

It took me a long time for this lesson to sink in.

There are ALWAYs risks, however, there is a happy place where you just realize that who you are really is enough, and if they did leave you, it would not be for someone " better", but rather them inadvertendly meeting someone more suitable. Not better.