Dating Someone Out of Your League?

[verhrzn]

How about you stop whining and be happy that someone is dating your super-neurotic a@@?

 

Man ... I used have some sympathy for you, but no more.

 

Why, because you can't disprove absolutely anything I've said? You said yourself you're not in grad school for anthro, history, or sociology, and have done absolutely no research ON those grad programs, and yet felt it necessary to lecture me how I have a horrible attitude. Without being in even vaguely the same situation yourself.

 

Or because existing among men for years, and especially being on this forum, has demonstrated me men look for looks first and foremost? It never fails to confuse me how the male posters go on and on and ON about female looks, and then when a female poster comes along bemoaning how superficial men are, it's constant cries of "man hater!" "No sympathy!" "Women are shallow too!" Geez, guys, at least TRY to be consistent.

 

Women don't come in catalogs. We are not interchangeable products. Most of us are lucky to meet ONE person with whom we find love, acceptance, compatibility, and sexual chemistry. It's rare. Young people take it for granted, but more experienced people appreciate it, cherish it, and HOLD ON!

 

Again, considering how fast my exes dumped me when they found someone else... it's obviously not that rare.

[verhrzn]

OK. So let's say you're with the sweet, cute girl, and you meet a sexy, hot girl at work or whatever. You discover you have a lot in common, you find her very attractive, and she's flirting with you. What do you do?

 

I think it's scarier when a girl is with a guy who easily COULD get hotter girls, just might not have the confidence to do so at this point in time. Temptation arises for everyone, but when you've got a highly desirable guy who will likely only become more desirable in time, temptation tends to escalate.

 

How many highly desirable guys would stay true to the sweet, cute girl who was there by his side all along on his way up? Sadly, not that many.

 

Exactly! Why are so many people terrified to admit that this scenario is reality??

[xxoo]

OK. So let's say you're with the sweet, cute girl, and you meet a sexy, hot girl at work or whatever. You discover you have a lot in common, you find her very attractive, and she's flirting with you. What do you do?

 

I think it's scarier when a girl is with a guy who easily COULD get hotter girls, just might not have the confidence to do so at this point in time. Temptation arises for everyone, but when you've got a highly desirable guy who will likely only become more desirable in time, temptation tends to escalate.

 

How many highly desirable guys would stay true to the sweet, cute girl who was there by his side all along on his way up? Sadly, not that many.

 

Ruby, it sounds like you have little faith in your own ability to make this guy feel like a sexual king.

 

I have more faith. I know you do it--I've read your posts! Random Hot Girl has nothing on you.

 

A mature, relationship-minded man, in love, will be flattered, get an ego boost, and go home and f you like mad. He knows where his bread is buttered, and isn't silly enough to think that the grass is greener with hot girl, just because she's hot.

[xxoo]

Again, considering how fast my exes dumped me when they found someone else... it's obviously not that rare.

 

Immature, messed up guys.

 

Is your current guy like them? I thought you said he was different?

[verhrzn]

Ruby, it sounds like you have little faith in your own ability to make this guy feel like a sexual king.

 

I have more faith. I know you do it--I've read your posts! Random Hot Girl has nothing on you.

 

A mature, relationship-minded man, in love, will be flattered, get an ego boost, and go home and f you like mad. He knows where his bread is buttered, and isn't silly enough to think that the grass is greener with hot girl, just because she's hot.

 

But men like that would already be married... they wouldn't have thrown over their last girlfriend. The scenario only works if we assume that most women out there have heinous personalities, that there's a "reason" he didn't commit to her in the long run. Either the reason is she's awful, or he's always trading up.

 

Why wouldn't a guy assume the grass is greener with a hot girl who shares common interests? Advice columns are filled with letters from men about how their primary relationship has gotten boring, stale... how the new girl is exciting, makes him feel attractive, gives him attention, etc.

 

Why wouldn't a guy trade up if he found a girl who was just as compatible but more physically attractive?

[jobaba]

OK. So let's say you're with the sweet, cute girl, and you meet a sexy, hot girl at work or whatever. You discover you have a lot in common, you find her very attractive, and she's flirting with you. What do you do?

 

I think it's scarier when a girl is with a guy who easily COULD get hotter girls, just might not have the confidence to do so at this point in time. Temptation arises for everyone, but when you've got a highly desirable guy who will likely only become more desirable in time, temptation tends to escalate.

 

How many highly desirable guys would stay true to the sweet, cute girl who was there by his side all along on his way up? Sadly, not that many.

 

That is a really sad attitude.

 

Aren't you in your mid 30s too?

 

Do your friends really live like that? Walk the altar, say their vows, and then jump on the next hottest piece of meat to come along?

 

My friend's don't. They have kids and they love their children and wives.

[AD1980]

I dont know whats worse your lack of self esteem or your lack of respect for man as a whole where you see us as mindless dick swinging chimps who just will move on to the next hottest thing no matter what

 

Stop putting yourself and others in categories and leagues and live in the damn moment

 

Id kill to be in your positon and to be with someone form the opopsite sex who even might like me or not but is with me

[Ruby Slippers]

Exactly! Why are so many people terrified to admit that this scenario is reality??

Well, I read many replies posted after the one I responded to that I found reassuring.

 

Personally, I know plenty of couples where the guy has more going for him, is cuter, whatever, and the guy is very loyal to his long-term girlfriend or wife. So it does happen. And I wouldn't be dating the guy I'm with now if I didn't think it was possible.

 

Also, I realize that my opinion of myself may be a little distorted. I'm sure some people would wonder what I'm doing with him, or think I'm out of his league.

 

It was great to see that picture of us from last night, because I had this very exaggerated idea in my mind of how much hotter than me he is. He's good-looking, sure, but I'm not so bad myself. And we're both looking all smoldering and sexy, which counts for a lot - THAT is something you can cultivate from within. It's hard to measure but packs a big punch.

 

I'm certainly not perfect, but we walked into that restaurant like a couple of sex bombs - and heads were turning. People were checking us both out. So I guess I'm not so bad

 

It's VERY obvious that you have a distorted view of yourself, too. You're most likely drastically underestimating yourself and overestimating your boyfriend.

[verhrzn]

Immature, messed up guys.

 

Is your current guy like them? I thought you said he was different?

 

Except they AREN'T messed up. I've said it before, I never thought my exes were jerks. They are all with the girls they dumped me for... they treat their girlfriends/wives like queens. Why? Because those girls are top-shelf, and I wasn't. That doesn't make them immature or jerks. It makes them human.

 

All of us want the best situation out of life we can get. The best job, the best house, the best family. Why would I assume the guy I'm dating is different.... he, like every other human out there, wants the best he can get. And that is NOT me.

[verhrzn]

Well, I read many replies posted after the one I responded to that I found reassuring.

 

Personally, I know plenty of couples where the guy has more going for him, is cuter, whatever, and the guy is very loyal to his long-term girlfriend or wife. So it does happen. And I wouldn't be dating the guy I'm with now if I didn't think it was possible.

 

Also, I realize that my opinion of myself may be a little distorted. I'm sure some people would wonder what I'm doing with him, or think I'm out of his league.

 

It was great to see that picture of us from last night, because I had this very exaggerated idea in my mind of how much hotter than me he is. He's good-looking, sure, but I'm not so bad myself. And we're both looking all smoldering and sexy, which counts for a lot - THAT is something you can cultivate from within. It's hard to measure but packs a big punch.

 

I'm certainly not perfect, but we walked into that restaurant like a couple of sex bombs - and heads were turning. People were checking us both out. So I guess I'm not so bad

 

It's VERY obvious that you have a distorted view of yourself, too. You're most likely drastically underestimating yourself and overestimating your boyfriend.

 

Well your scenario sounds different in that it sounds like you are his equal, if heads were turning in both of your direction.

 

But I do not have a distorted view of myself. If nothing else, I have the evidence that he gets hit on very frequently by girls, and I get absolutely no attention from guys. I am invisible to men. Even online, I never got messaged, as I have talked about here before. (He went out on dates frequently over the last year, just never found anyone he meshed with.)

 

So, not distorted, sorry. Got plenty of evidence to support the idea that he is, at least to opposite sex, more attractive than I am. And he's smarter, getting into grad school and all. So, smarter, and hotter.

[Ruby Slippers]

Ruby, it sounds like you have little faith in your own ability to make this guy feel like a sexual king.

 

I have more faith. I know you do it--I've read your posts! Random Hot Girl has nothing on you.

 

A mature, relationship-minded man, in love, will be flattered, get an ego boost, and go home and f you like mad. He knows where his bread is buttered, and isn't silly enough to think that the grass is greener with hot girl, just because she's hot.

Thanks, babe

 

I do have faith, and it's growing every day.

 

See my latest posts in my thread for more on the subject. One of the main reasons I'm taking a chance on a guy with essentially no real relationship experience is that he does seem to be a mature, relationship-minded man who wants something real.

[gaius]

Connection actually matters to some men. It's not super easy to find a girl you can really enjoy staying up all night talking with. Sure for a few hours on a date but all night? That's a long time. Didn't this guy date you long distance for years? Normally I'd say you might have a point Vertical but based on your history with him I don't think you have anything to worry about.

[denise_xo]

Except they AREN'T messed up. I've said it before, I never thought my exes were jerks. They are all with the girls they dumped me for... they treat their girlfriends/wives like queens. Why? Because those girls are top-shelf, and I wasn't. That doesn't make them immature or jerks. It makes them human.

 

All of us want the best situation out of life we can get. The best job, the best house, the best family. Why would I assume the guy I'm dating is different.... he, like every other human out there, wants the best he can get. And that is NOT me.

 

I think the majority of break ups are a bit more complex than that, at least for people who are past twenty or so. If people (that would be both men and women) just keep jumping on the next hottest woman/man around purely because of some physical hotness factor, they are messed up. Mature people who want a long lasting relationship consider financial and sexual compatibility, shared views on things like family, religion and how to bring up children, how well they communicate, and so on and so forth. Those are the things that make or break a relationship in the long run. For some people, that kind of compatibility include some kind of equal interest in education and career, and for a lot of people it doesn't.

 

Again, if this guy is so much smarter and hotter than you are and he is dating you out of desperation and you are not even willing to have a proper conversation about it with him (which I think is silly and shows a lack of commitment on your part), then why don't you just dump him? I really don't see the point

[Ruby Slippers]

Because those girls are top-shelf, and I wasn't.

I used to think that way about myself, too, and on my bad days sometimes still do. But shortly before meeting this guy, I started thinking, dressing, behaving, and living more like a "top-shelf" girl. Suddenly, my stock went way up. At first I was annoyed by this, as it seemed so superficial. But then I realized it wasn't just my looks I had ratcheted up, but also my attitude.

 

Friends who have known me for years say I'm looking different and better - and these are smart friends who know me well and can see through all the smoke and mirrors.

 

I've seen your pictures, and I know you're a pretty, intelligent, articulate, funny, sensitive girl. You ARE a top-shelf girl. You just have to realize that.

[verhrzn]

Connection actually matters to some men. It's not super easy to find a girl you can really enjoy staying up all night talking with. Sure for a few hours on a date but all night? That's a long time. Didn't this guy date you long distance for years? Normally I'd say you might have a point Vertical but based on your history with him I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

... Yeah and those years were a living hell. He had at least 3 women throwing themselves at him, and he kept encouraging them too but wouldn't just dump me for them because that would make him the bad guy, so instead he just turned every conversation into a fight until I finally had enough and lots of other complicated, psychological issues came into play....

 

Long story short, him "staying" with me during long distance doesn't mean much.

 

I used to think that way about myself, too, and on my bad days sometimes still do. But shortly before meeting this guy, I started thinking, dressing, behaving, and living more like a "top-shelf" girl. Suddenly, my stock went way up. At first I was annoyed by this, as it seemed so superficial. But then I realized it wasn't just my looks I had ratcheted up, but also my attitude.

 

Friends who have known me for years say I'm looking different and better - and these are smart friends who know me well and can see through all the smoke and mirrors.

 

I've seen your pictures, and I know you're a pretty, intelligent, articulate, funny, sensitive girl. You ARE a top-shelf girl. You just have to realize that.

 

I really don't know how to convince an Internet board, but I am not. In any way. Nerds won't even hit on me. I was ignored at my recent nerd con. I get ignored online. Even when friends can detect absolutely no whiff of insecurity. Guys just don't like me. I don't know how to emphasize this any more.

 

Which is why, Denise, I can't bring myself to break up with a guy even when I know he's with me out of desperation, but that is the only relationship I can get. It's better than being single forever. So I'll just wait for him to dump me I guess.

Edited September 5, 2012 by verhrzn

[Ruby Slippers]

verhrzn, what do you want from us?

 

You post thread after thread asking for advice, then argue mercilessly to stomp out ANY suggestion that anyone makes. You seem to create these threads for the sole purpose of reinforcing your negative beliefs about yourself.

 

Will you CONSIDER trying at least ONE of the ideas offered here? Will it really kill you to just try something different? What you're doing now is obviously not working for you - so why not try something different?

 

If it doesn't work, you can always go back to the way you were doing things before.

 

I suggest that you go through this thread, copy and paste the CONCRETE SUGGESTIONS, make a list, and then pick one that seems doable to you. Try it in EARNEST for a month (or whatever time period feels manageable to you), and just see if anything changes.

 

If it doesn't work, you can tell us we were wrong and go back to your old ways.

 

What do you have to lose?

[verhrzn]

verhrzn, what do you want from us?

 

You post thread after thread asking for advice, then argue mercilessly to stomp out ANY suggestion that anyone makes. You seem to create these threads for the sole purpose of reinforcing your negative beliefs about yourself.

 

Will you CONSIDER trying at least ONE of the ideas offered here? Will it really kill you to just try something different? What you're doing now is obviously not working for you - so why not try something different?

 

If it doesn't work, you can always go back to the way you were doing things before.

 

I suggest that you go through this thread, copy and paste the CONCRETE SUGGESTIONS, make a list, and then pick one that seems doable to you. Try it in EARNEST for a month (or whatever time period feels manageable to you), and just see if anything changes.

 

If it doesn't work, you can tell us we were wrong and go back to your old ways.

 

What do you have to lose?

 

I am trying something that was suggested. Tiger suggested I just ride it out until he dumps me, which is what I'm doing.

 

I did want advice.... but I am very very sick of the whole Rainbows-and-Unicorns advice I always seem to get, like how there aren't leagues, or how guys obviously don't really care about looks, silly, it's all about love. It's fluffy advice with no basis in logic. Heck, it's not even logical when glancing through the other threads in this forum, where people are routinely told to "lower their standards" if they can't get any dates, and how men go on and on about women's looks. Would it be so wrong for posters to just be realistic once in a while?

Edited September 5, 2012 by verhrzn

[Ruby Slippers]

I am trying something that was suggested. Tiger suggested I just ride it out until he dumps me, which is what I'm doing.

Well, there is a lot to be said for just sticking with it. It's something!

 

The only additional suggestion I have is to try to eliminate the "until he dumps me" belief. Just try on the idea that he might not dump you. Try it on for a month, and see what happens.

[verhrzn]

Well, there is a lot to be said for just sticking with it. It's something!

 

The only additional suggestion I have is to try to eliminate the "until he dumps me" belief. Just try on the idea that he might not dump you. Try it on for a month, and see what happens.

 

Why? So I can be completely defenseless when it happens? No, no, no more trusting naive girl. I want to prepare for things. It's why I started this thread... what should you be prepared for when dating someone out of your league, and "being dumped" is apparently one of them.

[Titanwolf]

You can "ride it out", but even that phrase has negative implications. If you're going to allow your behaviour to be altered by your insecurities, you're going to be shooting yourself in the foot :/

[denise_xo]

I really don't know how to convince an Internet board, but I am not. In any way. Nerds won't even hit on me. I was ignored at my recent nerd con. I get ignored online. Even when friends can detect absolutely no whiff of insecurity. Guys just don't like me. I don't know how to emphasize this any more.

 

Which is why, Denise, I can't bring myself to break up with a guy even when I know he's with me out of desperation, but that is the only relationship I can get. It's better than being single forever. So I'll just wait for him to dump me I guess.

 

I guess, speaking from the point of view of an anonymous internet board, this is just very difficult to understand for me. I'm being honest rather than rhetorical here. Here are some of the things I (genuinely) don't get:

 

- You say no guys like you, but you've had more boyfriends than I've had, or than what many other women have had. You also claim that none of your exes were messed up or jerks. Yet you claim that they were all with you because they were desperate. Doesn't add up to me.

 

- You say that IRL you have been in several situations where no one has detected your insecurity, yet your online persona is extremely tainted by it. Like Ruby said, it's very obvious that you have a very distorted view of yourself. Of course, you're now going to tell us all that we don't know you in real life and that you know what 'reality' is, not us. However, even though we don't know you in real life, I find it very striking that you don't manage to convince ANY of us that the reality you live in is the reality the rest of us share. Now, it could be that you are extremely clever and we are all stupid. This is what you seem to suggest at times. But why would that be the case, when you are so extremely average or below average as you keep telling us, and your academic average is so low, and you generally aren't good at anything? So, while on the one hand you're telling us how terribly mediocre you are, on the other hand you're telling us that you understand and see things that the rest of us, all of use who have posted in many of your threads, just don't get?

 

- I don't understand why you find it more helpful to go on a self deprecating rant on here rather than actually addressing this more constructively with your partner. You've said before that you come here to get an outlet for ranting and that's perfectly fine. But if you really want to address the issue that you stated in your OP, you need to be able to communicate better with your partner than what you are doing now. All the hotness in the world can't save a relationship in the long run if two partners can't communicate. Stating that 'he's just said he'll deal with it later' and leaving it at that really isn't relationship style communication. I'm not putting myself on a high horse here - I really struggle a lot with communication in relationships, but because of that I've also learned the hard way where things end up when you leave it at the kind of conversations that you've been having now.

 

- Finally, you keep going on about how smart this guy is, but you don't even give him the opportunity to speak for himself and to define the relationship with you, as a joint project. You have just decided that you know everything about his intentions and feelings, and you're not willing to reconsider that opinion at all. If you won't let an anonymous internet board change your mind, that's not so bad - but to not let your partner in on the conversation that you are having about your (plural you, not singular you) relationship, and all the implications you are drawing from that (basically, that the relationship is doomed) is both patronising and very disrespectful to him. I think it looks like you are actually treating him as if you think you are smarter than him, and not the other way around as you claim.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why? So I can be completely defenseless when it happens? No, no, no more trusting naive girl. I want to prepare for things. It's why I started this thread... what should you be prepared for when dating someone out of your league, and "being dumped" is apparently one of them.

Well, I think just sticking with it is good for now. I think you will reach a point when you will be ready to ask a little bit more from yourself, and there's no rush in getting to that point.

 

We'll be here with dozens of ideas when you do get to that point, and you can again choose the one that feels doable.

[verhrzn]

Well, I think just sticking with it is good for now. I think you will reach a point when you will be ready to ask a little bit more from yourself, and there's no rush in getting to that point.

 

We'll be here with dozens of ideas when you do get to that point, and you can again choose the one that feels doable.

 

Asking more of myself would be just finally facing the idea of never finding a relationship, and just accepting I'm going to be single forever. But since I've already asked for help on how to do that and gotten nothing, I've given up on posting more threads about it.

[Ruby Slippers]

You have a relationship - something that many people on this site would be thrilled to have.

 

Whether you're going to enjoy it or not is up to you.

[GorillaTheater]

Except all my other boyfriends dates me when they DIDN'T like me.

 

This doesn't seem very likely.

 

But since I've already asked for help on how to do that and gotten nothing, I've given up on posting more threads about it.

 

This doesn't seem very likely, either.