Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 It sounds like you are dating a male version of yourself, verhrzn. Neither of you believe that you are good enough for the other. You've already assumed that he doesn't think much of you and won't stick around if he finds someone "better." Does that mean that you don't really think that much of him and won't stick around if you find someone better? Seems like you've put a ticking timebomb on this relationship. Why did you enter it if you were just going to assume that he'd dump you anyway because he's "out of your league"? Why take that risk of yet another rejection and hit to your self-worth? Despite what you perceive to be his insecurity, he has also tried to reassure you. Why punish him for crimes that other guys in your past committed? Well, good thing I never could get anyone better, since I think he is already clearly out of my league! The reasons he gives for considering me out of his league are ridiculously vague like, um, I read a lot! And I make him feel things! He has absolutely no concrete evidence to back up his assertions, they're just an impression he feels. I entered it cause I didn't know it'd be this way, but once he started talking more about the future and his own plans I realized how much I DON'T fit in. So, how do you deal with that?
Ruby Slippers Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Yes-ish. I kinda had to drag it out of them, but they claimed they did. And each of the relationships lasted over 6 months. Trust me. The best thing you can do is enjoy what you have, and work on your issues as best you can. Don't ruin this for yourself. It's true that it could end. Not all relationships last. But I'm sure you'll get a lot out of it, no matter how long it lasts. Just do your best to ENJOY what you have. 1
Lonely Ronin Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Yes-ish. I kinda had to drag it out of them, but they claimed they did. And each of the relationships lasted over 6 months. You have said this several times, and I'm starting to wonder how much of it was true, vs how much of it was them telling you what you wanted to hear, because you wore them down.
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 You have said this several times, and I'm starting to wonder how much of it was true, vs how much of it was them telling you what you wanted to hear, because you wore them down. .. Considering all of them immediately started dating someone else, and showed absolutely no remorse over dumping me, pretty sure it's accurate.
brahmabull117 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Verzhn, is your current guy also significantly better looking than you? Is he a stereotypical "hot guy" Just curious
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Verzhn, is your current guy also significantly better looking than you? Is he a stereotypical "hot guy" Just curious *Ponders* No, probably not. We were watching a documentary on kids auditioning in Hollywood this weekend, and the agents kept discussing what "type" the kid was. I think I would be type-cast as the weird girl-next-door type (think Natalie Portman in "Garden State" except much less hot.) The guy I'm dating thinks he's probably be cast as the loner goth kid who wears a lot of chains, or the eccentric artists-type. He's tall and thin, but not muscley. I'd say he's attractive in a very unique way, but not stereotypical hot.
brahmabull117 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) *Ponders* No, probably not. We were watching a documentary on kids auditioning in Hollywood this weekend, and the agents kept discussing what "type" the kid was. I think I would be type-cast as the weird girl-next-door type (think Natalie Portman in "Garden State" except much less hot.) The guy I'm dating thinks he's probably be cast as the loner goth kid who wears a lot of chains, or the eccentric artists-type. He's tall and thin, but not muscley. I'd say he's attractive in a very unique way, but not stereotypical hot. Then what's the issue? I told you before men aren't anywhere near as picky or rigid about things like education and success as women are. For gods sake, do you think I am lying? I make a lot of money myself and I personally wouldn't have a problem dating a girl who made even a fraction of my income as long as I liked her and she was not a total loser with no goals or passions. You know you're not a loser. So who gives a **** if you don't make a lot of money? As long as you can support yourself, that's plenty enough for most men. For the love of god, stop self sabotaging yourself. You're not out of his league Edited September 5, 2012 by brahmabull117 1
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Then what's the issue? I told you before men aren't anywhere near as picky or rigid about things like education and success as women are. For gods sake, do you think I am lying? I make a lot of money myself and I personally wouldn't have a problem dating a girl who made even a fraction of my income as long as I liked her and she was not a total loser with no goals or passions. You know you're not a loser. So who gives a **** if you don't make a lot of money? As long as you can support yourself, that's plenty enough for most men. Guys don't care about money and education so long as the girl is hot. Hell, let's be honest, they don't care about really any other quality if the girl is hot. Since I am NOT hot, I need something else to boost my value, which I do not have. Unless you're claiming men would date a broke ugly girl for any other reason except desperation? 1
denise_xo Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Unless you're claiming men would date a broke ugly girl for any other reason except desperation? If you truly believe this man is only dating you out of desperation, then I think you should either a) confront him with it, and more seriously than you have done so far, and/or b) leave him. Why ask for help to 'deal' with the situation if the situation is that he's desperate and will just dump you when he moves anyway? Might as well walk out now. 1
brahmabull117 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Guys don't care about money and education so long as the girl is hot. Hell, let's be honest, they don't care about really any other quality if the girl is hot. Since I am NOT hot, I need something else to boost my value, which I do not have. Unless you're claiming men would date a broke ugly girl for any other reason except desperation? My point is that the main thing men care about in terms of non physical things is how you treat them and how they feel being around you. Men don't get aroused for a huge paycheck or fancy job like women do, basically you're making a big deal out of nothing If he is stll dating you, then its obvious he likes you. Stop sabotaging a good thing
oaks Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 And I also call BS on the whole "you need to love yourself first." There are lots and lots and lots of people who do not like themselves and yet have ended up in relationships. So you're in good company!
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 My point is that the main thing men care about in terms of non physical things is how you treat them and how they feel being around you. Men don't get aroused for a huge paycheck or fancy job like women do, basically you're making a big deal out of nothing If he is stll dating you, then its obvious he likes you. Stop sabotaging a good thing Except all my other boyfriends dates me when they DIDN'T like me. So the whole "he obviously likes you because he's dating you" thing doesn't wash. But let's be honest, the only guys who ARE gonna date me are the desperate ones, so I guess it's just a constant run-around. Guess that's just life for an ugly girl.
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 You are horrible and nobody could ever like you. You might as well kill yourself Is that what you wanted to hear? *Shrugs* Essentially. It's nice to have reality confirmed.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I told you before men aren't anywhere near as picky or rigid about things like education and success as women are. For gods sake, do you think I am lying? I make a lot of money myself and I personally wouldn't have a problem dating a girl who made even a fraction of my income as long as I liked her and she was not a total loser with no goals or passions. You know you're not a loser. So who gives a **** if you don't make a lot of money? As long as you can support yourself, that's plenty enough for most men. I think the fear that verhrzn has - and me, too, to a lesser extent - is that once the guy grows more confident, he's going to want to "trade up". Imagine that you have a sweet, cute girl, but gradually, as you advance, more and more sexy, hot girls start throwing themselves at you. Are you going to stick with the sweet, cute girl - or drop her for the sexy, hot girl? Can you comment on that? 1
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 as long as a girl is cute and not fat, most guys will take compatibility over having a super hot girl - myself included .... Except what if he has equal compatibility with a super hot girl? Take two girls. Both of em are pretty darn compatible with the guy, but one of them is more physically attractive. Gee, whichever one is the guy gonna pick?
Lonely Ronin Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 .... Except what if he has equal compatibility with a super hot girl? Well, at-least for me I would need to be dating someone to learn if i was truly compatible with them. Thus I would have to have cheated on woman A to figure out I wanted woman B more, and thus probably should have been dumped anyway. Jesus V, stop acting like a GD victim for once in your life! 1
Titanwolf Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 .... Except what if he has equal compatibility with a super hot girl? Take two girls. Both of em are pretty darn compatible with the guy, but one of them is more physically attractive. Gee, whichever one is the guy gonna pick? I would pick the one whom I felt most compatible with. That may be the one people would deem "more attractive" or the girl who is "less attractive", but their appearance wouldn't have any bearing on my decision and I'm certain I'm not the only man who thinks like this. This will end up becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy at this rate. 1
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 Well, at-least for me I would need to be dating someone to learn if i was truly compatible with them. Thus I would have to have cheated on woman A to figure out I wanted woman B more, and thus probably should have been dumped anyway. Except you can fall for someone before knowing them. That whole idea of chemistry, attraction... a lot of people are attracted to people before getting into a relationship with them. It isn't UNTIL they are in a relationship that they decide if they're compatible. I mean, how else do you explain people leaving their significant other for someone else, only to break up with that someone else a little while later? Hey, turns out it was just lust and not compatibility! But a lot of people can't tell the two apart. And a lot of people mistake lust for compatibility. So let's simplify it... You're dating a nice, cute girl, to use Ruby's words. You meet someone you have a instant attraction to (because they are more attractive than your current partner), and discover you have a few things in common. Then what? As we've seen over and over and over, the result is always the same: throw over the old for the new, because the new is shiny and always seems better. If the new is in fact better (more physically attractive), that's just added incentive. 1
jobaba Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 as long as a girl is cute and not fat, most guys will take compatibility over having a super hot girl - myself included Verzhn is just terribly insecure and her current bf will end up hating her because of how insecure she is (not because she's not in his "league") Two of the best looking guys I know (both Ivy grads) have dated really hot gals. Both married women where it's commented from time to time (by mostly idiots) that he is out of her league. Both don't care. Both are on their way to making babies. Most guys will take a chill, cute nice gal over a high maintenance hot b@tch any day and it ain't even close. Those are the gals I know who are married to guys who make enough $, they don't have to work again ... ever. Very cute, nice, and LAIDBACK. If you are high maintenance and have all kinds of self-esteem issues (ahem, cough, cough), you got no chance with such guys.
xxoo Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I think the fear that verhrzn has - and me, too, to a lesser extent - is that once the guy grows more confident, he's going to want to "trade up". Imagine that you have a sweet, cute girl, but gradually, as you advance, more and more sexy, hot girls start throwing themselves at you. Are you going to stick with the sweet, cute girl - or drop her for the sexy, hot girl? Can you comment on that? If he loves his sweet, cute girl, no one else will do. Sexy, hot girl is just a hot girl--but not who he wants. .... Except what if he has equal compatibility with a super hot girl? Take two girls. Both of em are pretty darn compatible with the guy, but one of them is more physically attractive. Gee, whichever one is the guy gonna pick? His partner! The one who is there for him, accepts him, makes him feel important and loved. Hot can't compare to love. Have some faith! 4
jobaba Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 I think the fear that verhrzn has - and me, too, to a lesser extent - is that once the guy grows more confident, he's going to want to "trade up". Imagine that you have a sweet, cute girl, but gradually, as you advance, more and more sexy, hot girls start throwing themselves at you. Are you going to stick with the sweet, cute girl - or drop her for the sexy, hot girl? Can you comment on that? Two of the best looking guys I know (both Ivy grads) have dated really hot gals. Both married women where it's commented from time to time (by mostly idiots) that he is out of her league. Both don't care. Both are on their way to making babies. Most guys will take a chill, cute nice gal over a high maintenance hot b@tch any day and it ain't even close. Those are the gals I know who are married to guys who make enough $, they don't have to work again ... ever. Very cute, nice, and LAIDBACK. If you are high maintenance and have all kinds of self-esteem issues (ahem, cough, cough), you got no chance with such guys. This reply was actually meant to address this post.
Author verhrzn Posted September 5, 2012 Author Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) Two of the best looking guys I know (both Ivy grads) have dated really hot gals. Both married women where it's commented from time to time (by mostly idiots) that he is out of her league. Both don't care. Both are on their way to making babies. Most guys will take a chill, cute nice gal over a high maintenance hot b@tch any day and it ain't even close. And how bout a chill, hot nice gal? Honestly, everybody is assuming that the only way for cute girl to win is if the hot girl has an awful personality. But I've met plenty... LOTS, in fact... of hot girls with perfectly pleasant personalities. So personalities being equal, who is gonna win.... cute or hot? Or in my case, ugly or hot? Geez, no contest. How can anyone possibly argue with reality?? If he loves his sweet, cute girl, no one else will do. Sexy, hot girl is just a hot girl--but not who he wants. His partner! The one who is there for him, accepts him, makes him feel important and loved. Hot can't compare to love. Yes, because hot girls can't accept him or love him and make him feel important! Oh wait, they CAN. Hot girls can do it just as easily as cute and ugly girls! So....? Edited September 5, 2012 by verhrzn 1
jobaba Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 And how bout a chill, hot nice gal? Honestly, everybody is assuming that the only way for cute girl to win is if the hot girl has an awful personality. But I've met plenty... LOTS, in fact... of hot girls with perfectly pleasant personalities. So personalities being equal, who is gonna win.... cute or hot? Or in my case, ugly or hot? Geez, no contest. How can anyone possibly argue with reality?? How about you stop whining and be happy that someone is dating your super-neurotic a@@? Man ... I used have some sympathy for you, but no more.
xxoo Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Yes, because hot girls can't accept him or love him and make him feel important! Oh wait, they CAN. Hot girls can do it just as easily as cute and ugly girls! So....? Women don't come in catalogs. We are not interchangeable products. Most of us are lucky to meet ONE person with whom we find love, acceptance, compatibility, and sexual chemistry. It's rare. Young people take it for granted, but more experienced people appreciate it, cherish it, and HOLD ON! Have some faith in your man's character and intelligence! Is he a fool? 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 Well, at-least for me I would need to be dating someone to learn if i was truly compatible with them. Thus I would have to have cheated on woman A to figure out I wanted woman B more, and thus probably should have been dumped anyway. OK. So let's say you're with the sweet, cute girl, and you meet a sexy, hot girl at work or whatever. You discover you have a lot in common, you find her very attractive, and she's flirting with you. What do you do? I think it's scarier when a girl is with a guy who easily COULD get hotter girls, just might not have the confidence to do so at this point in time. Temptation arises for everyone, but when you've got a highly desirable guy who will likely only become more desirable in time, temptation tends to escalate. How many highly desirable guys would stay true to the sweet, cute girl who was there by his side all along on his way up? Sadly, not that many. 3
Recommended Posts