Dating Someone Out of Your League?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Please be aware of your self-sabotaging and find a way to turn down a different path - quickly.

[jobaba]

Ha! My cousin is married to an anesthesiologist and she has a high school diploma! Love is love.

 

You mentioned that before. You also mentioned that your cousin is extremely attractive.

 

If love was love and people got together based solely on personal connections and 'clicking', there'd be no need for LS forums.

 

Except what about in situations where one person is clearly more successful than the other? For example, when he's a counselor making $60k a year and I'm slinging burgers?

 

I sometimes think he's dating me because he's kind of desperate... he's living with his parents and still in college (taking psych courses, keeping costs low) and in a smaller town. So maybe he just doesn't have any better prospects... until he gets into grad school and is surrounded by smart, attractive women.

 

So, then do something about it.

 

Take non-matric grad classes at the program you want to attend and get in on a probationary status there.

 

Retake some undergrad classes to boost up your GPA.

 

Are you aware that people with 2.0 GPAs put in years to repair their GPA and eventually gain acceptance to medical school. Yes, it happens.

 

You have the worst attitude of anybody here, bar none.

 

You can't always affect who is attractive to you, but you can affect how you feel about how successful you are.

Edited September 5, 2012 by jobaba

[verhrzn]

So, then do something about it.

 

Take non-matric grad classes at the program you want to attend and get in on a probationary status there.

 

Retake some undergrad classes to boost up your GPA.

 

Are you aware that people with 2.0 GPAs put in years to repair their GPA and eventually gain acceptance to medical school. Yes, it happens.

 

You have the worst attitude of anybody here, bar none.

 

You can't always affect who is attractive to you, but you can affect how you feel about how successful you are.

 

I already DID take more undergraduate classes to try to boost my GPA, and averaged together, they're still only about a 3.3.

 

And sure, I could take grad classes.... if I didn't need to work (since college classes occur during the 9-5 work day), and had money to burn (since 3 credits at the local university will set you back about $600.)

 

Have YOU ever tried to do it? When is the last time you applied to any anthropology or history grad programs with a low GPA from a small-town college? If you have not done it, then how can you properly give me advice about it? I'm not saying my situation is SO unique no one can understand it, but people should have comparable experiences before they fling out their opinions and label me pessimistic.

 

I also really don't get guys on this forum.... they claim they'd happily date women with lower incomes and not a successful career, and then freak out at the idea of supporting a woman, paying for dinner, or that she might be a gold digger. Just really cannot win as a woman, can I?

[Els]

I also really don't get guys on this forum.... they claim they'd happily date women with lower incomes and not a successful career, and then freak out at the idea of supporting a woman, paying for dinner, or that she might be a gold digger. Just really cannot win as a woman, can I?

 

But there are plenty of guys who genuinely don't mind. Why are you trying to extrapolate all of this onto your current circumstances and your relationship? Has YOUR BF indicated that he would mind?

[denise_xo]

But there are plenty of guys who genuinely don't mind. Why are you trying to extrapolate all of this onto your current circumstances and your relationship? Has YOUR BF indicated that he would mind?

 

Yes, I think it's really important to focus on the man you have in front of you and not random strangers on an internet forum.

[verhrzn]

But there are plenty of guys who genuinely don't mind. Why are you trying to extrapolate all of this onto your current circumstances and your relationship? Has YOUR BF indicated that he would mind?

 

No, but he's also not very practical. He comes from a well-off family, and even though he's gotten much more mature in recent years when it comes to supporting himself, I am a little worried what it'll be like in grad school. I have no doubt he can support himself on a grad student's pay... but having to essentially support both of us will, I worry, be more stress than he can handle.

 

Put it another way... since I have always supported myself to the point that I sometimes pay for HIS meals and absolutely never let him help me out financially, I don't think he quite understands what a burden it would be supporting both of us on less than $20,000 a year.

 

I also feel he will be disappointed because I won't be able to understand the pressures of being a grad student, never being one myself. I won't understand academics, I won't be able to keep up with him if he takes about research or his studies... I just feel like he'd be much happier with somebody who was like him; a grad student, with a good career ahead of them.

[jobaba]

I already DID take more undergraduate classes to try to boost my GPA, and averaged together, they're still only about a 3.3.

 

And sure, I could take grad classes.... if I didn't need to work (since college classes occur during the 9-5 work day), and had money to burn (since 3 credits at the local university will set you back about $600.)

 

Have YOU ever tried to do it? When is the last time you applied to any anthropology or history grad programs with a low GPA from a small-town college? If you have not done it, then how can you properly give me advice about it? I'm not saying my situation is SO unique no one can understand it, but people should have comparable experiences before they fling out their opinions and label me pessimistic.

 

I also really don't get guys on this forum.... they claim they'd happily date women with lower incomes and not a successful career, and then freak out at the idea of supporting a woman, paying for dinner, or that she might be a gold digger. Just really cannot win as a woman, can I?

 

LOL if you think you can't get into an Anthro or History masters program with a 3.3, especially with a decent GRE score.

 

The average GPA at my grad program was 3.5 - 3.6. But there were some students who had WAY below that.

 

Getting into a Masters program is not like getting into a fully funded doctorate program. I guarantee you a History Masters program will accept you somewhere. It might not be your first choice, but one will.

[denise_xo]

No, but he's also not very practical. He comes from a well-off family, and even though he's gotten much more mature in recent years when it comes to supporting himself, I am a little worried what it'll be like in grad school. I have no doubt he can support himself on a grad student's pay... but having to essentially support both of us will, I worry, be more stress than he can handle.

 

Put it another way... since I have always supported myself to the point that I sometimes pay for HIS meals and absolutely never let him help me out financially, I don't think he quite understands what a burden it would be supporting both of us on less than $20,000 a year.

 

I also feel he will be disappointed because I won't be able to understand the pressures of being a grad student, never being one myself. I won't understand academics, I won't be able to keep up with him if he takes about research or his studies... I just feel like he'd be much happier with somebody who was like him; a grad student, with a good career ahead of them.

 

Well, you can't really decide what he 'should' feel. Confront him with this and ask him if has thought about it and have a proper conversation about the topic.

[Chocolat]

V - you are positively exhausting in your negativity. Every thread of yours follows the same path: you ask for advice, then assert that anyone who offers even a glimmer of optimism is wrong. And you have so many reasons why.

 

Yes, I agree that your bf will leave you sooner or later, but it will be because of your self-defeating attitude, not because you are not in his league.

 

I really, really encourage you to do whatever it takes to develop a healthier view of yourself and others.

[verhrzn]

LOL if you think you can't get into an Anthro or History masters program with a 3.3, especially with a decent GRE score.

 

The average GPA at my grad program was 3.5 - 3.6. But there were some students who had WAY below that.

 

Getting into a Masters program is not like getting into a fully funded doctorate program. I guarantee you a History Masters program will accept you somewhere. It might not be your first choice, but one will.

 

Um.... I can't. Already tried. My quantitative score was awful, but my Analytic and Verbal Reasoning were decent to good. I applied to 10 different anthropology programs (out of the maybe 20 to 25 in the continental US) and got accepted to exactly none of them.

 

Yeah, there were some students below that, but they might have had work experience, or done collaborative research for a professor, or yadda yadda.... opportunities I didn't have in college because I was working 30 hours a week to afford undergraduate.

 

Is your field history or anthropology? If not, how can you comment?

[verhrzn]

V - you are positively exhausting in your negativity. Every thread of yours follows the same path: you ask for advice, then assert that anyone who offers even a glimmer of optimism is wrong. And you have so many reasons why.

 

Yes, I agree that your bf will leave you sooner or later, but it will be because of your self-defeating attitude, not because you are not in his league.

 

I really, really encourage you to do whatever it takes to develop a healthier view of yourself and others.

 

I would still like someone to explain the difference between "self-defeating" and "realistic." Does no one on this board admit that in valuable areas, there are some people below and some people above? I am NOT being self-defeatist, I am being realistic in what I offer and what I don't, and what the guy I'm dating offers. Why is "self-defeating" to examine that?

 

Instead of trying to convince me I'm not outside his league, how about people just accept the fact that he IS, unquestionably, and answer the original question.... what do you do when you're dating someone who is superior to you?

[denise_xo]

Instead of trying to convince me I'm not outside his league, how about people just accept the fact that he IS, unquestionably, and answer the original question.... what do you do when you're dating someone who is superior to you?

 

Like I said above, I think you need to discuss it with him. Have you done that?

[Ami1uwant]

No, but he's also not very practical. He comes from a well-off family, and even though he's gotten much more mature in recent years when it comes to supporting himself, I am a little worried what it'll be like in grad school. I have no doubt he can support himself on a grad student's pay... but having to essentially support both of us will, I worry, be more stress than he can handle.

 

Put it another way... since I have always supported myself to the point that I sometimes pay for HIS meals and absolutely never let him help me out financially, I don't think he quite understands what a burden it would be supporting both of us on less than $20,000 a year.

 

I also feel he will be disappointed because I won't be able to understand the pressures of being a grad student, never being one myself. I won't understand academics, I won't be able to keep up with him if he takes about research or his studies... I just feel like he'd be much happier with somebody who was like him; a grad student, with a good career ahead of them.

 

 

If you were living together while he was atgrad school the residual costs of you isnt all that much other than food, water, and electriicity.

[verhrzn]

Like I said above, I think you need to discuss it with him. Have you done that?

 

Yes, and he said he wants me. But is that because he's in a small town, not supporting me, and not meeting anyone of interest?

[Ami1uwant]

I would still like someone to explain the difference between "self-defeating" and "realistic." Does no one on this board admit that in valuable areas, there are some people below and some people above? I am NOT being self-defeatist, I am being realistic in what I offer and what I don't, and what the guy I'm dating offers. Why is "self-defeating" to examine that?

 

Instead of trying to convince me I'm not outside his league, how about people just accept the fact that he IS, unquestionably, and answer the original question.... what do you do when you're dating someone who is superior to you?

 

 

You are being self-defeated when you say there is nothing good about you and you have no qualities.

 

Being a realist is knowing what your limitations are and knowing what kind of people a LTR just will not work.

[Els]

No, but he's also not very practical. He comes from a well-off family, and even though he's gotten much more mature in recent years when it comes to supporting himself, I am a little worried what it'll be like in grad school. I have no doubt he can support himself on a grad student's pay... but having to essentially support both of us will, I worry, be more stress than he can handle.

 

Put it another way... since I have always supported myself to the point that I sometimes pay for HIS meals and absolutely never let him help me out financially, I don't think he quite understands what a burden it would be supporting both of us on less than $20,000 a year.

 

But have you discussed this with him at all? The entire concept - you giving up your career to move with him, the financial ramfications that your less-than-stellar career will bring about, etc? What has he said about it?

 

Also, it isn't as if you won't be working at all. If I know you at all, you'll be doing your damndest to work somehow, somewhere. Flipping burgers full-time gets you every bit as much pay as a grad student in most places. Are you sure this is about the money?

 

I also feel he will be disappointed because I won't be able to understand the pressures of being a grad student, never being one myself. I won't understand academics, I won't be able to keep up with him if he takes about research or his studies... I just feel like he'd be much happier with somebody who was like him; a grad student, with a good career ahead of them.

 

My experience has been that grad students often date outside academia. I don't know many grad students who require their partner to also be a grad student. Plenty of couples consist of two people in completely different professions. You don't need to be in the same profession to understand someone if you genuinely try to understand.

 

Point being, 'leagues', or how people perceive them to be, differ completely from person to person. There is little point worrying yourself over them when you are already in an R with someone who purportedly loves you. Learn to relax and trust, as risky as it may be, or you WILL bring about a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[denise_xo]

Yes, and he said he wants me. But is that because he's in a small town, not supporting me, and not meeting anyone of interest?

 

Well, did you ask him that?

 

When I first met my H, he felt he was 'out of my league' (although he used different words) in different ways. The way we solved that was by having a lot of conversations and allowing him to talk it out.

[verhrzn]

You are being self-defeated when you say there is nothing good about you and you have no qualities.

 

Being a realist is knowing what your limitations are and knowing what kind of people a LTR just will not work.

 

Why is it self-defeatist and not just honest? Do you really not believe there are people out there with not a lot of redeeming qualities? Who might have one or two, but when stacked up against a world full of people who are amazing, might as well not have any?

 

If my one good quality is I'm nice, how can I possibly compete against a world full of other women who are not only nice, but smart, financially successful, and physically attractive? Is it defeatist to say "I have 1, other people have 5?" That's just simple math.

[Chocolat]

I would still like someone to explain the difference between "self-defeating" and "realistic." Does no one on this board admit that in valuable areas, there are some people below and some people above? I am NOT being self-defeatist, I am being realistic in what I offer and what I don't, and what the guy I'm dating offers. Why is "self-defeating" to examine that?

 

Instead of trying to convince me I'm not outside his league, how about people just accept the fact that he IS, unquestionably, and answer the original question.... what do you do when you're dating someone who is superior to you?

 

Sigh.

 

You just don't get it, do you? There is no "original question" to answer because your OP is made of a reality that exists only in your head.

 

I'm out. Maybe others will have the patience to feed your attention-seeking.

 

Take care.

[denise_xo]

My experience has been that grad students often date outside academia. I don't know many grad students who require their partner to also be a grad student. Plenty of couples consist of two people in completely different professions.

 

Yes, this is my experience, too. I work at a university.

[LittleTiger]

.... what do you do when you're dating someone who is superior to you?

 

I think I already answered this.

 

If you really believe they are superior to you and 'out of your league', you stop dating them or at least you don't expect it to last!

 

Common sense really - because when they find out that they can do so much better, they will leave you anyway! If you insist on talking leagues, I will agree with you that Brad Pitt isn't going to date a heavily overweight woman who has zero education, never works and only washes once a week! But that's not what we are talking about here is it?

 

The reality of your situation is that you and your boyfriend are equals - either he thinks you are equal or he thinks you are better than he is (just like you do - which still makes you equal). If that wasn't the case, you wouldn't be together.

[verhrzn]

But have you discussed this with him at all? The entire concept - you giving up your career to move with him, the financial ramfications that your less-than-stellar career will bring about, etc? What has he said about it?

 

Also, it isn't as if you won't be working at all. If I know you at all, you'll be doing your damndest to work somehow, somewhere. Flipping burgers full-time gets you every bit as much pay as a grad student in most places. Are you sure this is about the money?

 

Well it is about the money in that I also HATE the idea of being dependent on someone financially, and I hate the idea of having no money. So it's like... have a relationship but be poor and royally screwed if he dumps me, or have a job and no relationship. What a choice. He just says the typical things of "we'll work it out" and "cross that bridge when we come to it." AKA, absolutely nothing concrete to assuage my anxiety.

 

 

My experience has been that grad students often date outside academia. I don't know many grad students who require their partner to also be a grad student. Plenty of couples consist of two people in completely different professions. You don't need to be in the same profession to understand someone if you genuinely try to understand.

 

But this guy is unusually smart, and expects intelligence from his partner. I don't think he'll be happy with someone that doesn't *get* it. Like, we've gotten into arguments because I am not a fan of evolutionary psychology, and he says I don't have enough academic research to back up my claims of why I don't like the field. So, it's kind of like.... he wants to talk about his research, but I can't have an opinion on it without research. Since I'm not in academics, I don't have access to the same resources he does, which means he gets angry that I have opinions without proper documentation.

 

So unless I can keep up with him (understand, discuss and refute) his work, I don't think he'll be happy with me.

[jobaba]

Um.... I can't. Already tried. My quantitative score was awful, but my Analytic and Verbal Reasoning were decent to good. I applied to 10 different anthropology programs (out of the maybe 20 to 25 in the continental US) and got accepted to exactly none of them.

 

Yeah, there were some students below that, but they might have had work experience, or done collaborative research for a professor, or yadda yadda.... opportunities I didn't have in college because I was working 30 hours a week to afford undergraduate.

 

Is your field history or anthropology? If not, how can you comment?

 

Because I know how graduate school works.

 

Universities are money making institutions just like anybody else. With a degree like History or Anthro (or counseling for that matter) that doesn't guarantee a decent paying job or even a job, they will always have available spots for those willing to pay full tuition.

 

And no I don't know anything about History or Anthro, but I know there are TONS of grad programs for both. There's gotta be hundreds for History.

 

And on the chance that Anthro is really that competitive to get into, apply to something else ... Sociology or History. I guarantee a History Grad somewhere will accept you with a 2.4 gpa and no GRE score (perhaps on a probationary basis). I bet my life on it with full confidence.

[verhrzn]

I think I already answered this.

 

If you really believe they are superior to you and 'out of your league', you stop dating them or at least you don't expect it to last!

 

Common sense really - because when they find out that they can do so much better, they will leave you anyway! If you insist on talking leagues, I will agree with you that Brad Pitt isn't going to date a heavily overweight woman who has zero education, never works and only washes once a week! But that's not what we are talking about here is it?

 

So essentially, your answer is "he'll dump you anyway, just enjoy it" OR preemptively dump him. Makes sense. With any luck, he'll dump me before I make any big life changes for him, like moving or quitting my job.

[denise_xo]

Well it is about the money in that I also HATE the idea of being dependent on someone financially, and I hate the idea of having no money. So it's like... have a relationship but be poor and royally screwed if he dumps me, or have a job and no relationship. What a choice. He just says the typical things of "we'll work it out" and "cross that bridge when we come to it." AKA, absolutely nothing concrete to assuage my anxiety.

 

...

 

 

But this guy is unusually smart, and expects intelligence from his partner. I don't think he'll be happy with someone that doesn't *get* it. Like, we've gotten into arguments because I am not a fan of evolutionary psychology, and he says I don't have enough academic research to back up my claims of why I don't like the field. So, it's kind of like.... he wants to talk about his research, but I can't have an opinion on it without research. Since I'm not in academics, I don't have access to the same resources he does, which means he gets angry that I have opinions without proper documentation.

 

So unless I can keep up with him (understand, discuss and refute) his work, I don't think he'll be happy with me.

 

Again, this is stuff you need to discuss with him further, along the lines of

 

'I'm not satisfied with the idea that we just cross that bridge when we get there, because these are issues that I think could potentially be destructive to our relationship. I am worried about x, y, z, and that this will impact our relationship in ways a, b, c. If we don't think of this proactively, we might end up in a situation where we take actions that harm our relationship in the long run'. (expand and edit as you see fit).

 

If he still responds 'we'll cross that bridge when we get there', then I would question long term compatibility and/or his capacity to deal with a serious, committed relationship. If you are going to make career changes to be with him, he has to be able to discuss that with you.