Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 You have a degree and experience working in IT. I'm not sure why you assume you'd be stuck "slinging burgers" though not surprised you immediately jumped to that conclusion. You could get a teaching certificate You can get another job doing the It type stuff What do you think others who have your degree/job experience do? You could entry level in a whole new field I'm surprised you are so concerned about moving away, I thought you didn't have any friends anyway so why would you be concerned about leaving them? See, above: about difficulty of getting a teaching certificate. The jobs open for teachers these days is not promising. I have experience at a glorified call center. I am very, very lucky that I got THIS job, and it has kind of pigeon-holed me in what I can do in terms of job experience. They sold the job as being able to advance through different departments.... but then my department realized that meant everybody was leaving, and started closing ranks. They no longer offer job training in anything EXCEPT "call center" techniques. Others with my experience go to grad school or sling burgers. But entry level in what? I have very very limited job experience, and my degree has prepared me for nothing but history. So what company would hire me, even at entry level? The concern for moving away is more about distance to family (in cases of emergencies) and job prospects. As far as dating out of ones league...yeah I can see how there are "leagues" for lack of a better term and well, I stick to mine I guess. eta: I think the range of what is "in ones league" is more vast than you do though, V. Well he has better job prospects, less debt, is more physically attractive, is better socially, and is more intelligent than me. So what qualifier of leagues am I missing?
oaks Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 Except what about in situations where one person is clearly more successful than the other? Yes, what about it? So what. My eyes are a different colour from hers (perhaps)... if I want to date her and she wants to date me then it's about as important as that! Now, if I choose not to date her, or she chooses not to date me, because of an income-related measure of success then that's fine, too, but if we both want to date each other then it just doesn't matter because, get this, WE WANT TO DATE EACH OTHER. Sorry for yelling. 1
Content Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 You and others need to stop getting in your own way and sabotaging yourself by creating this league thing in your own head..People arent leagues or numbers you read off like baseball stats.. Either youre compatible or not..dont look at it as him being better then you or vice versa..its a recipe for disaster.. My friend who recently got divorced and his wife left him couldnt undertsand why his wife left him because hes good looking and makes a lot of money as if thats all it takes to be a good partner.. He didnt take care of the little things that are the most important in a relationship.. things that involve human emotion and bonding and trust.. that you cant measure by how much somebody makes or their level of schooling or how good looking they are.. 1
MrCastle Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 But... it's NOT working for us because he might just be desperate, and I might be putting my future on the line for a guy to whom I am inferior in every way. So... how exactly does that work, when people are on such different levels? You're creating a problem in your mind. I think we're all guilty of this at some point. Don't be that girl that dumps a guy and says "I don't deserve you". That girl has self esteem issues and then some. Instead, be flattered that a guy you feel is "out of your league" is dating you. You must have something he likes or he would move onto someone else.
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 You're creating a problem in your mind. I think we're all guilty of this at some point. Don't be that girl that dumps a guy and says "I don't deserve you". That girl has self esteem issues and then some. Instead, be flattered that a guy you feel is "out of your league" is dating you. You must have something he likes or he would move onto someone else. But that's exactly it... they move onto someone else! They date me when they're desperate (stuck in a small town with not a lot of options) and then dump me when something better comes along. If I'm not currently in his league, how can I possibly compete with better prospects?
tori0001 Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 When people date and marry, it's usually in their own league. Especially financially, one would want to date someone as successful or almost as successful. In my case, I'm bewildered. I can't figure out why he's dating me. He travels a lot in his job, meets successful women, many are available. I have nothing to offer him. I like him, but I wont allow myself to get close, because I know he'll leave for someone more in his league. 1
LittleTiger Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 But... it's NOT working for us because he might just be desperate, and I might be putting my future on the line for a guy to whom I am inferior in every way. So... how exactly does that work, when people are on such different levels? I am sorry to be blunt here verhrzn but if you honestly feel this way then this relationship is not going to last - and it has nothing to do with whether you are in the same 'league' (I don't believe in those), whether he is more intelligent, better looking, more adventurous or has a better job. The relationship will not last because your self esteem is in the toilet and, unless he has self esteem issues too (ie he really is as desperate as you seem to think) he is not going to stick around for long. It is incredibly tiring having to boost someone else's ego on a daily basis! Perhaps you could say to your boyfriend that you are inferior to him in every way and that you don't deserve him because he's 'out of your league'? Maybe he could give you his opinion on your situation. Besides that, if he wants to travel and you don't, there is nothing else to discuss. You probably are putting your future on the line because you apparently want very different things. Unless you are interested in getting involved in a long-distance relationship (with a man you believe is too good for you!), that is just a major incompatibility and your (non-existent) 'league' levels are irrelevant!
Pirouette Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 ... Unless I'm attracting them just because they're desperate, and then they dump me for someone better. Which is what has happened all the other times. Which I can survive, obviously. But if I move for him, and that happens, I am screwed. I could never get the same income in another job I am getting now. Hell, I probably couldn't even work in the same industry. So if I move, I am sacrificing all chances of financial stability. That wouldn't be bad if I knew the relationship would work, but if he's just gonna dump me when he finally has access to better options, then I'd be screwing my life over for nothing. When would this move be? Could he move out first, you start applying for jobs in his area, using his address and contact info, and when you actually net something solid, go out to join him then? Have you guys discussed where this relationship is heading? How does he react to talk of marriage?
ascendotum Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 That's the thing, there is nothing I am better at than him. I do really believe he's just desperate... that he's in a small town with not a lot of people his own age. But what if I move with him, and then he meets his equal at grad school? Then I am stuck in a place I didn't choose, with a ****ty job and no relationship. This scenario is possible, but if it was to eventuate, you could move back home. There are many relationships I know where the guy out earns his partner by a fair margin. I think you are over worrying over this aspect. To me the bigger deal for your relationship is the fact that you are a homebody and he wants excitment & adventure. As much as there is a lot of people on LS saying there being no such thing as 'above your league', there is also a lot of posts in other threads chastising people for wanting more than they are or having unreaslistic standards, its just that they don't use the word 'league'. V - its good to see you in a relationship. Just go with the flow and enjoy it for the moments you are in it, and see what eventuates, without trying to read far into the future. Its ironic you got a guy that you now consider above your league, were in a lot of your past posts you talked about having to lower your standards.
LittleTiger Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 But that's exactly it... they move onto someone else! They date me when they're desperate (stuck in a small town with not a lot of options) and then dump me when something better comes along. If I'm not currently in his league, how can I possibly compete with better prospects? When people date and marry, it's usually in their own league. Especially financially, one would want to date someone as successful or almost as successful. In my case, I'm bewildered. I can't figure out why he's dating me. He travels a lot in his job, meets successful women, many are available. I have nothing to offer him. I like him, but I wont allow myself to get close, because I know he'll leave for someone more in his league. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy girls! Of course these guys will leave you - you are constantly giving them the message that they are too good for you!!! Whether you realise it or not! Wouldn't you leave someone if you thought you were too good for them?
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 This is a self-fulfilling prophecy girls! Of course these guys will leave you - you are constantly giving them the message that they are too good for you!!! Whether you realise it or not! Wouldn't you leave someone if you thought you were too good for them? No, I wouldn't, because I'd want a relationship. And if they are too good, why wouldn't they leave? What if they are dating you out of desperation? What then? Should you even date someone outside your league for this very reason?
LeoNguyen Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 whoa whoa whoa! What is up with this league mentality??? Most men really don't care about that at all. And even if you got a PHD, it wouldn't really change anything. Men don't date women because of their high status or education. If they're looking for a wife, they want to know if she will become a good wife and/or a good mom. Is she kind? Does she have my back? Would she mind sharing the house-cleaning responsibilities? Does she have similar family values? Those things are way more important than the initials next to your name. 1
LittleTiger Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 No, I wouldn't, because I'd want a relationship. And if they are too good, why wouldn't they leave? What if they are dating you out of desperation? What then? Should you even date someone outside your league for this very reason? I think you are missing my point!
LeoNguyen Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 And sure you could think they are dating you out of desperation. But there's also a very high possibility that they're dating you because...well...they like you? 1
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 And sure you could think they are dating you out of desperation. But there's also a very high possibility that they're dating you because...well...they like you? When they are superior in every way, why would they like me? Thus the discussion of leagues. I dunno, maybe every man desires a woman who is poorer, stupider, uglier and more boring than he is, but I have to wonder why he would...
BehindBlueEyes Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 You can land a guy like that and you think you're ugly... hmmmm I guess I am worse than you! I never been on one date!.. Roll with it, V..just have fun.
LeoNguyen Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 When they are superior in every way, why would they like me? Thus the discussion of leagues. I dunno, maybe every man desires a woman who is poorer, stupider, uglier and more boring than he is, but I have to wonder why he would... Do you think you're ugly?
Author verhrzn Posted September 4, 2012 Author Posted September 4, 2012 Do you think you're ugly? You are obviously new, so short answer: yes.
stillafool Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 If he were an anesthesiologist, then id start to think about it. Ha! My cousin is married to an anesthesiologist and she has a high school diploma! Love is love. 2
turt Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 How would having a different degree or job change how he feels about you? You'd still be the same person. If his life is better with you around, there is no reason to leave.
LeoNguyen Posted September 4, 2012 Posted September 4, 2012 You are obviously new, so short answer: yes. This gift is for you. Please listen to the lyrics. http://www.theonewhogetsit.com/beautiful/
Ami1uwant Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 When they are superior in every way, why would they like me? Thus the discussion of leagues. I dunno, maybe every man desires a woman who is poorer, stupider, uglier and more boring than he is, but I have to wonder why he would... This is becoming the self fullfilling prophecy...... Yes you can be a teacher...there are jobs for teachers. Have their been cuts...yes....but not all over the country. In most cases they looked for teachers to reitre over hiring new ones because the pay of new teachers is less than half what a 30 yr experienced teacher makes. This is an option for you....just like other fields waves happen. In teaching it will happen...when...that is a good guess...but there willl be a retiement shortage of teachers because of mass retirements. The problem with teaching is the licensing issue so if you are with him and he wants to move it gets difficult for you. Many states honor other states certifications. Actually when it comes to a good chunk of men they actually prefer to be the bread winner in the family so they have more of tendancy to marry down because of this insecurity....while with women its opposite where they tend to think a man should be equal or make more than them. There is a nother group of men who are fine if she makes more but they feel she wants him to make more so they dont bother.
Els Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 If she fancies me and I fancy her and we're dating then we're in the same league. There are no leagues. There are people who want to date you, and people who don't. There are people you want to date, and people who don't. The trick is to find someone from the set union where fun happens. I second this wholeheartedly. In all honesty, V, the only reason you would even be in a perceived 'lower league' - ie working in a fast food chain - is because you are willing to take that hit to your career to move with him. Whether or not this is a good idea depends on your individual circumstances and relationship, but that aside... someone who truly loves you will understand the sort of sacrifice that it took on your part to do that, instead of holding it against you. I know people who have relocated to entirely different countries to be with their LD loves, and they often start at ground zero in such cases - no job, no friends, etc - often their partner even has to support them for a period of time before they can obtain a work visa. But some of them have worked out because both partners appreciate what the other did or is doing to make the relationship work out.
january2011 Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 (edited) When they are superior in every way, why would they like me? Thus the discussion of leagues. I dunno, maybe every man desires a woman who is poorer, stupider, uglier and more boring than he is, but I have to wonder why he would... Let's follow this line of thought. If indeed he is superior in every way and believed that he is superiour in every way, surely he'd be with someone else? After all, if he is superior in every way, he could get someone far better than you, right? Because if he is superior in every way, he wouldn't need to date out of pity or desperation, would he? Therefore, he must like you. Regardless of his superiority and your inferiority. That's the only "reasonable" conclusion after following your line of thought. Or, perhaps consider that he is not superior and you are not inferior. He.Just.Likes.You. Given the nature of your OP, I'm even more convinced that getting into a relationship is not going to fix all your problems, especially with regard to your self-worth. Your problems and perception of your self-worth exist outside of having/not having a relationship. Working on your relationship might not improve your self-worth but working on your self-worth will definitely improve your relationship. Edited September 5, 2012 by january2011 8
denise_xo Posted September 5, 2012 Posted September 5, 2012 1) This guy is an adult and has chosen to date you. Don't patronise him by saying he has made the wrong decision. 2) If you really think he's dating you out of desperation, then tell him that and see what he says. If he denies it and you still don't believe him, then I'd just leave the relationship - because that means that you think he's lying to your face. 3) Lots of people are not looking for a person who is career oriented when they seek out a partner. He might not care about what kind of job you have as long as you are willing to work and don't expect him to fully support you. Apart from that, I think LT has it spot on: I am sorry to be blunt here verhrzn but if you honestly feel this way then this relationship is not going to last - and it has nothing to do with whether you are in the same 'league' (I don't believe in those), whether he is more intelligent, better looking, more adventurous or has a better job. The relationship will not last because your self esteem is in the toilet and, unless he has self esteem issues too (ie he really is as desperate as you seem to think) he is not going to stick around for long. It is incredibly tiring having to boost someone else's ego on a daily basis! Perhaps you could say to your boyfriend that you are inferior to him in every way and that you don't deserve him because he's 'out of your league'? Maybe he could give you his opinion on your situation. Besides that, if he wants to travel and you don't, there is nothing else to discuss. You probably are putting your future on the line because you apparently want very different things. Unless you are interested in getting involved in a long-distance relationship (with a man you believe is too good for you!), that is just a major incompatibility and your (non-existent) 'league' levels are irrelevant!
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