BF moving across the country....

[Later82012]

OP, I think the one mistake you guys did is not moving in together after 6 months or so. I agree with everyone that seeing each other is a lot different from living with each other.

I do not understand your rule in not moving in together if not engaged. I am just curious.

I am sorry to say this but I don't think he is invested in you a lot.

For now LDR seems to be the only way to go and see how you feel about each other when you are apart and then make a decision.

 

This is not related to this thread but in general I do not understand the beating around the bush and trying to feel each other and the assumptions and the mind games a lot of people play with each other while claiming to be in a serious relationship.

[veggirl]

OP, I think the one mistake you guys did is not moving in together after 6 months or so. I agree with everyone that seeing each other is a lot different from living with each other.

I do not understand your rule in not moving in together if not engaged. I am just curious.

I am sorry to say this but I don't think he is invested in you a lot.

For now LDR seems to be the only way to go and see how you feel about each other when you are apart and then make a decision.

 

This is not related to this thread but in general I do not understand the beating around the bush and trying to feel each other and the assumptions and the mind games a lot of people play with each other while claiming to be in a serious relationship.

 

He asked me to move in with him in May, and I said no.

 

The reason I have this "rule" is because I have lived with a boyfriend before and I thought it was a stupid decision. Looking back, living with him kept me in a s.hitty relationship far longer than I would have been in it if I didn't live with him.

 

Now, my bf and I def do not have a relationship like I had with that guy. I don't feel like I need to live w/ a man to know that we are compatible for marriage.

 

This throws a wrench in that obviously. If he was staying here, I would not move in with him w/o an engagement ring.

 

If we are on the same page though as far as our future, I will consider doing so.

[KatZee]

OP, I think the one mistake you guys did is not moving in together after 6 months or so. I agree with everyone that seeing each other is a lot different from living with each other.

I do not understand your rule in not moving in together if not engaged. I am just curious.

I am sorry to say this but I don't think he is invested in you a lot.

For now LDR seems to be the only way to go and see how you feel about each other when you are apart and then make a decision.

 

This is not related to this thread but in general I do not understand the beating around the bush and trying to feel each other and the assumptions and the mind games a lot of people play with each other while claiming to be in a serious relationship.

 

Wow, I'm sorry but this is terrible advice.

 

Who in their right mind jumps into a living situation with someone after a mere 6 months of dating, are you INSANE?

 

Whether or not people move in before engagement is one thing, but moving in prematurely is a fast-track road to killing the relationship. Two people are still getting to know each other still at that point! It's already shown that people who rush, and those who jump into cohabitating before engagement are already more likely to split.

 

I wouldn't consider dating someone for 6 months as being SERIOUS, where you need to have the conversations of moving in together or whether or not you're getting married. There's beating around the bush, and then there's jumping the gun.

 

I have the same convictions as the OP, I would not live with someone and play house if there wasn't a ring on my finger, or at least a date on the calendar for when we were to be engaged. Too many guys play this game. They "future fake" and try to act like living together means something about a lifetime together. It absolutely does NOT mean this, and loads of guys pull the "we need to live together first so I can learn who you are" just as a way to delay engagement even longer.

 

I also don't really see where you're getting that "he's not that invested in you." They've been together barely over a year... I think their relationship is progressing as it should. It's not racing along and they have a strong foundation..

Edited August 25, 2012 by KatZee

[eleanorhurting]

He asked me to move in with him in May, and I said no.

 

The reason I have this "rule" is because I have lived with a boyfriend before and I thought it was a stupid decision. Looking back, living with him kept me in a s.hitty relationship far longer than I would have been in it if I didn't live with him.

 

Now, my bf and I def do not have a relationship like I had with that guy. I don't feel like I need to live w/ a man to know that we are compatible for marriage.

 

This throws a wrench in that obviously. If he was staying here, I would not move in with him w/o an engagement ring.

 

If we are on the same page though as far as our future, I will consider doing so.

 

 

Vegg I am so sorry. I remember reading about you dropping him off at the airport in the OTT and I had a feeling this could happen.

 

I dont' think you were wrong in not moving in with him. I also agree with you in not moving in together until being engaged and I dont think compromising this would have made a difference in how he feels.

 

I am going to be in a similar situation soon. My bf and I are about to begin the process of applying to residencies all over the States. We have not even been together for 6 months so our relationship is obviously not in a place to seriously make it a priority over where we go to school. We have decided to take it day by day until February when we have to officially choose where to go but we have both agreed that whatever happens we don't want the other to make a sacrifice that they will later regret and that we definitely want to make it work even if we are apart.

 

Maybe for now you can just decide to take it slow and see how things go day by day?

 

If I had been with my boyfriend since July 2011 I think I would have expected maybe less ambivalence abut how he feels about us but lots of things are going on and I think you should give it time.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I respect your decision to not live together unless you are formally committed, and the fact that you stood by your decision because you knew that it was best for you.

 

Don't abandon this perspective because of fear of losing him.

 

Have you thought about what your timeline would have been looking like if this job situation had not come up?

 

I do think that seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week after a year puts a relationship in a category that is not really on track for ultimately getting married ...

[carhill]

I do think that seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week after a year puts a relationship in a category that is not really on track for ultimately getting married ...

 

For my/our generation, I would generally agree; however, the OP is 29 and BF is 27 so I can see a more circumspect perspective about making a lifetime commitment, and have seen such in my friend's children and grandchildren in that age group.

 

OP, at least in my industry, it's well known that the 'mother ship' is where the action and growth potentials are, as well as a person's willingness to be mobile which enables promotions and growth within the corporate structure. If your BF is as career-oriented as you say, while accepting that the job may have 'come out of the blue', most if not all men in positions like his have considered/contemplate/fantasized, etc about working at the mother ship. Even if a distant possibility, it has been on their mind. That's completely normal and healthy.

 

Had he truly no interest, he could have declined at any point. His value to the company was/is evident and his current employment would have been in no jeopardy. Additionally, highly valued employees have options outside the company and his services could/would be quickly snapped up if he chose to remain in the area and it adversely affected his growth within the company. All it takes is word to leak out and someone else will come along and steal him away. I see it happen every day with business colleagues, mainly those working to retain highly valued employees.

 

If he wants your relationship to continue and in a healthy manner, it'll be evident from the get-go tonight. Trust me on that. A man in love is inspired. It'll show.

[veggirl]

I respect your decision to not live together unless you are formally committed, and the fact that you stood by your decision because you knew that it was best for you.

 

Don't abandon this perspective because of fear of losing him.

 

Have you thought about what your timeline would have been looking like if this job situation had not come up?

 

I do think that seeing each other 2 - 3 times a week after a year puts a relationship in a category that is not really on track for ultimately getting married ...

 

Thanks. I understand about the 3x per week thing. He has committments that keep him out until like 10pm Mon, Weds, Fri. Our basic schedule is Tuesday and Thursday nights as his place. I get off work at 6pm, go home and play with my cat, feed her etc, change, and arrive around 7:30. I sleep over and leave around 6am when he is getting ready for work. Saturdays I work until 5pm, so he comes over around 7pm and we hang out, sleep over, it goes into Sunday.

 

I honestly had not given much thought to a timeline before this. I just loved where we were at, fkkk I remember the first time he told me he loves me, he said "why didn't we say that earlier?!" and I told him "I knew you loved me and you knew I loved you, we have all the time in the world to say it". I was very go with the flow, I have had no timeline because I assume we have all the time in the world. Doh.

[Later82012]

Maybe I am dumb or maybe I think different. I'd rather know sooner than later whether a relationship works out for me or not.

 

Maybe he is someone that needs to live with someone before getting engaged to her.

[carhill]

Maybe he is someone that needs to live with someone before getting engaged to her.

If so, that's completely valid and healthy and apparently currently incompatible with the OP's perspective on the progression of a relationship. It remains to be seen if that issue, if valid, is irreconcilable or not. Great signpost of working as a team to resolve a relationship issue.

[veggirl]

 

If he wants your relationship to continue and in a healthy manner, it'll be evident from the get-go tonight. Trust me on that. A man in love is inspired. It'll show.

 

Thanks Carhill. I know this is 100% true. It's good to have it reinforced. I will not make excuses or look for hints, you are right, it will all be evident and there for me to see, it's my job not to ignore it and I won't.

 

eta: Later, he does not think he needs to live w/ a woman before engagement.

[RedRobin]

OP, just wanted to say that I support your decision to not live with a man who has not committed to you... (engagement or marriage). OTOH... we all know what real commitment looks like... I understand it doesn't always come with a piece of paper.

 

For the others though... The divorce rate is much higher amongst couples who live together before marriage...

 

There are lots of ways to negotiate something in the short or long term...

 

Carhill's statements ring truest to me...

 

Very sorry to hear about this latest 'wrench'... but TBH, it is always 'something'. Life has a way of testing us and our relationships in unexpected ways. It is how we face those tests that either strengthen one's commitment or end it.

 

This is just another life challenge. If you both see potential in each other, I'm confident you can find a way to creatively surmount it...

Edited August 25, 2012 by RedRobin

[amaysngrace]

Veggie I was married when my H took a job in North Carolina. We had babies and a life here. He wanted us to all go there at once. I refused. I told him to go get us set up and we would come down once he did.

 

Turns out he hated the job, was unhappy and came back in two weeks.

 

If I were you I'd just send him off and be okay that he's ok with going.

[Later82012]

Wow, I'm sorry but this is terrible advice.

 

Who in their right mind jumps into a living situation with someone after a mere 6 months of dating, are you INSANE?

 

Whether or not people move in before engagement is one thing, but moving in prematurely is a fast-track road to killing the relationship. Two people are still getting to know each other still at that point! It's already shown that people who rush, and those who jump into cohabitating before engagement are already more likely to split.

 

I wouldn't consider dating someone for 6 months as being SERIOUS, where you need to have the conversations of moving in together or whether or not you're getting married. There's beating around the bush, and then there's jumping the gun.

 

I have the same convictions as the OP, I would not live with someone and play house if there wasn't a ring on my finger, or at least a date on the calendar for when we were to be engaged. Too many guys play this game. They "future fake" and try to act like living together means something about a lifetime together. It absolutely does NOT mean this, and loads of guys pull the "we need to live together first so I can learn who you are" just as a way to delay engagement even longer.

 

I also don't really see where you're getting that "he's not that invested in you." They've been together barely over a year... I think their relationship is progressing as it should. It's not racing along and they have a strong foundation..

I think she is in her current situation as a result of taking it slowly. Why do you want to make it work by taking it slowly? If it works it works, otherwise it won't. I can only talk about myself and for me 3-4 days a week for 6 months is more than enough to know whether I want to give her a serious try or not and I will not get engaged to her before living together for some time.

Edited August 25, 2012 by Later82012

[Leigh 87]

Oh, Veg girl:( This is really, really awful.... I am SO sorry to hear your going through this!

 

You know, it is not always clear cut in regards to true love: it sounds TOTALLY feasible for a man to be in love, really be in love - and to be ambiguous about moving a girl across the country to be with him. SOME people just have to really think about such things, even if they are really, REALLY In love.

 

On the other hand, yes, of course there are also al ot of people who, by now ( if they were your bf), WOULD just " know" what they wanted. Perhaps he DOES want you to come, but does not want to appear to needy, and be the vulnerable one?

I know MY partner does that! Sometimes he plays things down, so as to not appear like HE is the one who needs ME so badly!

 

I will tell you - being apart will likely hold the answer! If your truly miserable without eachother, you hold out for talking on the phone, and just do not lose the spark you guys have now.... You WILL know about it, and you WILL uproote yourself, ultimately.

TIME APART may really be what is necessary for him AND you, to KNOW what to do.

 

I so wish you luck on this! I agree, it is horrible of anyonw to allude to the fact that your boyfriend surely does NOT really care all that much about you! OF COURSE he does! He would NOT have wasted all this time on you, by the sounds of things, if he was NOT into you! If he did NOT have strong feelings for you, he sounds like he is sucessfull and has enough going about him, to get a girl who DOES do it for him! He does not sound like he has stuck around because your just " a fun ride". I am sure he DOES think your really great, and he probably DOES love you a great deal.

 

 

Look, in my case, I have been with Andrew for almost two years.. However, after about 8 months, he talked about moving away, and said " I would want you to come with me". At first he tried to play it down, but pretty much asked me right away; said " Iwould like you to come!" and " if you didn't, we would make it work anyway"

This was after just 8 months. We allready guessed that we would think about each other all the time, and long to be together too much to be apart permanantly.

 

I think because you have moved slowly, and need to be engaged before moving intogether, is a HUGE factor in this! Again, it comes down to Ninja inpygamas theory: if a guy is truly in love with you and it is really meant to be, things tend to happen rather fast: he knows if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you in a year or less, rarely longer....

YOU and other people, however, believe it CAN take some guys longer to fully realize their where their heart truly lies! After all, us humans are pretty complez characters, what the hell are we all really thinking?! We do nto KNOW what we think and feel a lot of the time! it seams only fitting that some men may take a while, and even moving away from their loves, to realise they really DO need them by their side....

 

I REALLY feel for you, veggirl! I am glad you have such close people to you in real life, that you can seek support in.... You sound like SUCK a cool chick! You are unjudgmental with ME and my boyfriend issues, which we chata bout via PM, and while you have such a cool and laid back attitude to men, are very careful about moving in, and are VERY reserved with your feelings - I think it is really time to try to step outside your comfort zone! YOU NEED to move in ways you have not previously, to make him REALLY know what is at stake here!

 

If it were me, I would say something like " look, can you see yourseld missing me terribly, talking over the phone, and realizing you are miserable without me, and would be MUCH happier with me back in your life, by your side?"

or just something like " look... how do you envision yourself feeling without me!? Is it going to be a really sh*tty time for you, where you realize " damn, I miss my __ ( I know but will not state your real name:p), I need her here with me, this sucks, this is it, i want her to move"

 

However, this is just my style in which I use to get answers: I simply ASK look, how would they really feel without me in their lives. For the record though, I KNEW how I would feel without Andrew; like a big part of me would be missing. I just had a feeling that I would not just get over him fully. I just KNEW I would always have a place for him in my heart.

 

You say you also had a special feeling about your bf when you met.... Well, I had that about Andrew too! Perhaps it is worth holding onto... His actions so far have NOT indefinately shown he is not in love with you enough to take you with him! It COULD mean it, but there is just as much chance of him wanting you to come!

 

Time will tell. And maybe time away from each other will too.

 

I was living with my bf at the time when he contemplated moving, and we were very attached, hence why we just knew we would want to be with eachother no matter what. Your situation is a little different! Maybe your aversion to falling in too deep too soon has come back to bite your little @ss! Maybe you should have taken the plunge a tad sooner, so as to avoid this uncertainty!

 

Keep us posted! Whatever the outcome, I am SURE he does love you, and that it will be VERY hard for him to say goodbye, if/when it comes down to it:( It is a REALLY, really terrible situation to be in! Keep us posted..

 

 

and just :(:( I was hoping to never see a thread like this about your own situation!Hopefully it is your last:laugh:

[veggirl]

Well, I made a little list of what I want to be sure is covered when we talk. It's pretty simple. I just wrote down what I do not want to go unanswered. That was a good idea, thanks to whoever suggested it.

[Negative Nancy]

Well...I'm the cynic to some people on these forums but what am I supposed to say when a guy says he's "confused" and he doesn't even outright express his interest and desire for her to move with him as If he's backing away from that as not being totally invested yet?

 

It's clear to me that he's not ready...he's got that unsettled, bottled up posture where he doesn't really want to say anything to hurt your feelings so instead he tries to get a gauge for where your emotions are first by asking how you feel so he can determine what he can and cannot say...If you aren't ready or don't think it's a good idea then I think he'll express relief and open up more...If she says she thinks she should come with him and essentially invite herself along then I think he'd feel uncomfortable and like he's being forced.

 

What would he have said If he was dedicated at this point?

 

"i really want you to come with me, I don't want to lose this relationship it's what i really want...but I don't want you to have to sacrifice your whole lively hood for it. But I don't want to force you into anything...is there any way you'd consider coming with me, maybe after a few months where I settle in or we can just move together and take the risk?...how do you feel about this?"

 

I would like to see him making a forthcoming, open and expressive gesture of him really wanting you to come along without YOU having to provoke that and make him feel guilty for not doing so, because he'll say it if he has to but he won't be settled and comfortable with it internally, then he'll just internalize it and possibly resent you for the pressure he's feeling, maybe even distancing himself.

 

excellent posting.

[darkmoon]

I think this is getting melodramatic - Veggirl - I think you are needy, chill out xx

 

talk to him but relax, you two go back a long way

so I don't think dumping serves you any purpose

[kaylan]

Damn dude. I really dont know what to say OP. I agree an LDR wouldnt be too workable at the distance given.

 

And hell, if I was your bf Id be suuuper torn. Id wish we had been dating longer than a year so I could know exactly where we might be heading. Because you are right...uprooting yourself in a younger relationship is a huge step. Nothing is guaranteed in love...and a lot of things can happen to a year long relationship.

 

And if it wasnt such a big career move, Id soooooo choose love, because love means more to me than just about anything. But like I said, we all know nothing is guaranteed, and a person has to plan for their future. One thing is that a career can be a lot more stable and have more surety than a younger relationship. Thats the shame.

 

Basically what Im getting to is, is that if the career move feels right to him, than maybe this happened for a reason and you might have to let it go. If I loved you deeply, and really saw myself with you in the long run, Id bring you to Philly and give both things a shot. Theres less of a chance Id give up the promotion itself though to say in AZ, but thats only because things are so new. But hell, if I was really into you I might give that a shot to.

 

This is so confusing.

OP, I think the one mistake you guys did is not moving in together after 6 months or so. I agree with everyone that seeing each other is a lot different from living with each other.

I do not understand your rule in not moving in together if not engaged. I am just curious.

I am sorry to say this but I don't think he is invested in you a lot.

For now LDR seems to be the only way to go and see how you feel about each other when you are apart and then make a decision.

 

This is not related to this thread but in general I do not understand the beating around the bush and trying to feel each other and the assumptions and the mind games a lot of people play with each other while claiming to be in a serious relationship.

6 months is WAY to early to be living with someone.

Edited August 25, 2012 by kaylan

[Later82012]

Ehhh-------Hmmm----They live together during the weekends and a couple of nights a week.

 

Why would you allow your SO to test you to see if you are good enough?

 

BTW, those that need to test are likely to be commitment-phobic.

No, I do not understand me being good enough for someone or the other way around. I think people are either compatible or not compatible with each other. Maybe I want to see if we can make decisions (even small ones such as buying grocery) together involving our lives without a lot of disagreement and fighting, maybe I want to see if we can tolerate each other if we stayed together under the same roof 7 days a week, maybe I would be able to see new things about her which I wouldn't be able to if she is not under the same roof, maybe I want to see how good she is with my money. In extreme cases, maybe I want to see there is no other guy on the horizon the remaining 3-4 days of the week.

 

Yeah, I could be a commitment phobe and maybe I have lots of severe issues.

[kaylan]

This is me:

 

If I am in love I don't move away. If I have to move away I would ask you to come with me.

 

I am always shocked about how little commitment folks have these days. It seems everyone is selfish, unhappy with what they have, and always trying to move up.

 

ME, ME, ME, ME at all times.

In the real world, prepared adults plan their future accurately and know love isnt always forever. Sure you need to care about other people, but you also have to plan wisely for your own future, because the only one in your life who is a guaranteed part of your future is you and you alone.

 

Its very short sighted to not consider what this could mean to ones career, and their love life, if they simply choose the young relationship over everything else all the time. This isnt the Notebook. This is real life...and hell, even in the Notebook they ended up together years down the road after they grew some as people.

 

Sure the idea of "love above all else" is romantic and all, but it can be very shortsighted, unrealistic, something that stifles parts of your life. Im a romantic too, but Im also a realist.

Edited August 25, 2012 by kaylan

[eleanorhurting]

No, I do not understand me being good enough for someone or the other way around. I think people are either compatible or not compatible with each other. Maybe I want to see if we can make decisions (even small ones such as buying grocery) together involving our lives without a lot of disagreement and fighting, maybe I want to see if we can tolerate each other if we stayed together under the same roof 7 days a week, maybe I would be able to see new things about her which I wouldn't be able to if she is not under the same roof, maybe I want to see how good she is with my money. In extreme cases, maybe I want to see there is no other guy on the horizon the remaining 3-4 days of the week.

 

Yeah, I could be a commitment phobe and maybe I have lots of severe issues.

 

You can find out many of these things without having to move in together after 6 months.

 

Moving in together or not is a matter of personal preference I don't think you can tell someone that was the mistake they made in their relationship because it is THEIR relationship and they need to do what they feel comfortable with.

[Later82012]

You can find out many of these things without having to move in together after 6 months.

 

Moving in together or not is a matter of personal preference I don't think you can tell someone that was the mistake they made in their relationship because it is THEIR relationship and they need to do what they feel comfortable with.

Yes, I agree. It was more of a wrong choice of words. My apologies to OP and her boyfriend.

[xxoo]

Things can unfold in unexpected ways, especially if we are patient and calm during the process. If he moves, it will be hard, but it will also be revealing for both of you. Either it will be very apparent to you both that you need to be together, and need to do anything and all possible to make it happen---or it won't. Either way, what you need to know will be revealed, and the information will be helpful and true (even if it is painful ).

 

Hoping for the very best resolution!

[veggirl]

Can this please not turn into a debate about living together prior to marriage vs not?

 

I think this is getting melodramatic - Veggirl - I think you are needy, chill out xx

 

talk to him but relax, you two go back a long way

so I don't think dumping serves you any purpose

 

Thanks darkmoon, I do appreciate the reality check. I don't think I'm needy, but yes I could be being melodramatic right now. I know I am making assumptions about his feelings etc based on not much of a convo. I will try to relax and we will talk tonight, he will be here in about an hour actually.

 

 

And hell, if I was your bf Id be suuuper torn. Id wish we had been dating longer than a year so I could know exactly where we might be heading. Because you are right...uprooting yourself in a younger relationship is a huge step. Nothing is guaranteed in love...and a lot of things can happen to a year long relationship.

 

Thanks Kaylan. I respect your opinion a lot, esp on this cause I know you are very career driven like my boyfriend. I wish this was happening a year from now.

 

And if it wasnt such a big career move, Id soooooo choose love, because love means more to me than just about anything. But like I said, we all know nothing is guaranteed, and a person has to plan for their future. One thing is that a career can be a lot more stable and have more surety than a younger relationship. Thats the shame.

 

It's a great career move for him. I would be a total as$hole to tell him not to take the job. It's not a lateral move or a small promotion or anything, it's a really big deal.

 

This is so confusing.

 

Well now you REALLY sound like him

 

 

In the real world, prepared adults plan their future accurately and know love isnt always forever. Sure you need to care about other people, but you also have to plan wisely for your own future, because the only one in your life who is a guaranteed part of your future is you and you alone.

 

Its very short sighted to not consider what this could mean to ones career, and their love life, if they simply choose the young relationship over everything else all the time. This isnt the Notebook. This is real life...and hell, even in the Notebook they ended up together years down the road after they grew some as people.

 

Sure the idea of "love above all else" is romantic and all, but it can be very shortsighted, unrealistic, something that stifles parts of your life. Im a romantic too, but Im also a realist.

 

I think you just summed my boyfriend up without even doing so on purpose.

 

You can find out many of these things without having to move in together after 6 months.

 

Moving in together or not is a matter of personal preference I don't think you can tell someone that was the mistake they made in their relationship because it is THEIR relationship and they need to do what they feel comfortable with.

 

Thank you, eleanor.

 

Yes, I agree. It was more of a wrong choice of words. My apologies to OP and her boyfriend.

 

No apology necessary. I understand the other side of the coin on the living together debate, like I said, I've lived with a boyfriend before. I totally get it. Your comment about me and him moving slowly has gotten us into this situation struck a chord with me, actually. It definitely made me think.

 

Things can unfold in unexpected ways, especially if we are patient and calm during the process. If he moves, it will be hard, but it will also be revealing for both of you. Either it will be very apparent to you both that you need to be together, and need to do anything and all possible to make it happen---or it won't. Either way, what you need to know will be revealed, and the information will be helpful and true (even if it is painful ).

 

Hoping for the very best resolution!

 

Thanks xxoo. You are right it would be very revealing. God I am very thankful for the logic and rational thoughts I am getting from you all. Some of you are really putting into words what I feel but am having trouble kind of recognizing and verbalizing. Anyway, you make a great point and I am going to re-read it a bunch.

[kaylan]

Nothing wrong with being dedicated to one's career. All you need to do is not fall in love.

 

BTW, love is not all about ME. Real LOVE is totally unselfish.

 

You have much to learn grasshopper.

Lmao. And you have much to learn yourself old guy.

 

Theres no reason love and career cant both work. But its short sighted to jump all into a young relationship and forgo other parts of your life, all because you are in love. Nothing in love is guaranteed to last, and a young relationship shouldnt control all aspects of ones life.

 

Thats part of being a realistic, level headed, responsible adult in my book.

 

Love is not all about one person, but who said love is always about keeping the relationship going? If you were a wiser older man like you put on, then youd know that sometimes you let things you love go, and they will sometimes return to you when the time is right. Whats a more selfless love? Forgoing something great that happened to you in order to stay with girl? Or her loving you so much that she understands how much it means to you to make big things happen in your life?

 

OPs situation is not cut and dried. A year relationship that we have no idea of its future, is not something that should trump every other thing in both their lives. Hell, Id even say that if she loved him, shed understand why he may need to try this on his own. It doesnt mean he doesnt love her if he does.

 

My big dream is to play on big stages and be a successful musician. If I got a big break to go on a coast to coast tour to promote my new bands music and image, why is it selfish of me to not give that up just because I couldnt bring a gf I may have had? Should she not want me to fulfill my dream?

 

In the end its not cut and dried. Though it sounds nice in the movies, love isnt always about constantly giving up everything in lieu of new relationships that havent stood the test of time yet. Its a lot more complicated than your black and white way of seeing things.

 

PS - Really focus on the part in bold. This is a tough situation for a new budding relationship. And a year in is still fresh. If they were 3 years in, and keen on a possible engagement, theres no doubt Id tell her to uproot and go with the guy. Or Id tell him to stay put and that his superiors would understand hes going to build a family. But they arent at that point yet.

Edited August 26, 2012 by kaylan