lovehurts82 Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 So.. my LD ex and I agreed on NC last Friday (whole story). I had told him I couldn't keep in contact with him right now.. Seeing his texts and having any contact with him hurt too much.. he said he understood. I said I would text him or something when I felt like I could have anything to do with him.. might be a few weeks.. months.. or maybe never. After a week he texts me. His new fiance (after 7 yrs of us together, making wedding plans, personally writing our ceremony, talking about babies and names we liked.. looking at places together he breaks it off, only to be "engaged" a week later) and he are driving back across the country from the west coast with his things (the trip /we/ had been looking forward to taking together). This is how it went: X: I have been debating on texting. I'm in your neck of the woods. Me: Yep. I figured you would be along the way. Have fun on your trip. X: Thanks Me: Seriously. Were you gonna bring your ****ing fiance to come see me? I can't believe you'd even text me that. I'm moving on. I deserve to be happy. Leave me alone. X: Holy crap I was just texting because the signs reminded me of you. I'm sorry. Really? While he's sitting in a truck next to her, taking the trip we had been planning on, he's texting me that he was thinking about me. Aww.. how sweet! What an ass. Apparently his new fairy tale isn't as magical as he'd have hoped. I hope the rest of his drive through my state and the rest of the way back (a trip we've taken together a few times) is long and miserable and he thinks about me the whole ****ing way. Then he'll know a FRACTION of what I've been going through while he's off with someone else taking pictures at Yellowstone and peacocking on Facebook. I'm so thankful that I'm at the point where I could tell him once again to leave me alone and not fall back into his trap.. letting him keep me on his miserable hook as "backup girl". Thanks to everyone for your support!
Mike_d Posted August 17, 2012 Posted August 17, 2012 he's a total mess. *when* he texts again you just need to delete it and not respond to anything from him again. post here instead, but you are doing great, just drop the contact going forward, no need to continue to put yourself back in the spin cycle 1
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 17, 2012 Author Posted August 17, 2012 It was hard for me to drive home after that and go down the same highway I knew he was talking about. Is this him feeling bad? Checking up to be sure I'm still his backup girl? Trying to drive the wound a little deeper? I told him just last week how it made me feel. Guessing he's trying to hurt? Thanks for the encouragement Mike_d!
not-a-drive-by Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 What a jerk. He should have stuck to NC. His texts were uncalled for. Especially the last text. The purpose of that?! Feeling bad or not, he is still in the truck with her...
biogirl05 Posted August 18, 2012 Posted August 18, 2012 whoa! holy... a week later and he is ENGAGED to another woman?!? and he thinks you should be ok enough with all this to have a normal conversation via text?? he should be f***ing sorry! he is trying to play this off all cool... probably trying to rationalize this in his head and find a way to make himself feel better. maybe he has totally spiralled out of control. either way he is hurting you don't respond to him at all!!! this guy has lost ALL right to talk to you. I'm not sure what is wrong with this guy but he has serious issues. delete every text/email as it comes, and block him on facebook. You don't need that crap.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 18, 2012 Author Posted August 18, 2012 Yeah, I'm not sure. I think his father's death 3 weeks ago has really done a number on him. I also think that he's not sure HOW to have a normal steady relationship. His parents were remarried a total of 8 times between the two of them and before his father passed.. were both living with bfs/gfs. Makes me so sad because I /know/ he had the potential to be a great partner and there is a good part of him in there. But I can't ever trust him again. EVER. I have to also wonder if perhaps (since ours was a long distance thing) these are more of his true colors showing, and since he has had so much go on so fast, he just can't quite keep up with it anymore? A part of me also feels sorry for him having lost his father and me in a matter of days, but I also know that he was pushing me away with no regard for my feelings and I couldn't stand to keep hurting so I had to look out for my own well being first. Thanks again!
Crila16 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Oh my God...a he's a total mess is right. He broke up with you and a week later was engaged to someone else? Was he seeing her while you two were still together? All I know is I wouldn't want to be the new fiance. I'd be so threatened by you and your history with him...especially if he was still contacting you to tell you about signs that remind him of you.
Crila16 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Just read the rest of your posts. His father just died 3 weeks ago? Were they close? I do know grief affects everyone differently. If he's supressing, he might be lashing out at the things closest to him. I just find it strange behavior that his father passes, 2 weeks later ends it with you (his 7 yr girlfriend who he was talking marriage and kids with) and then 1 week later is engaged to someone else. You don't just break up with someone and get engaged a week later. I don't even care if he was seeing her while he was still with you. This is a fly by night. It's not going to last with her. He's going to break down eventually. He's also NOT using you and keeping you as a backup. He's just really messed up right now. You can't do anything to help him. He's got to come to this conclusion on his own. He seems to be pushing away the people closest to him right now.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Oh my God...a he's a total mess is right. He broke up with you and a week later was engaged to someone else? Was he seeing her while you two were still together? Yep.. was asked about it by a friend who saw it on Facebook.. thinking X and I had gotten back together "with a bang". I asked him if they'd been having contact while he and I were together and he swears up and down to me that he wasn't.. they didn't start talking until the night his father passed away. I called BS.. but he still swears it. Though.. just two weeks prior, we had been out there and his new fiance and he and I were in the backseat of her mom's car.. she was taking he and I back to his mom's and I look over to see her arm reaching up and rubbing his hand (he had his arms around our shoulders cause it was crowded). Plus.. after that, he had his phone with him everywhere he went the week after that while we were at my parents' house.. It's really a messed up story.. but yeah.. He swears no... I have a hard time believing that. All I know is I wouldn't want to be the new fiance. I'd be so threatened by you and your history with him...especially if he was still contacting you to tell you about signs that remind him of you. Yeah.. well.. I hope he does her like he's done me. I feel like she deserved whatever he gives her in all this for doing what she's done.. and bringing two young kids into that mix when they had been calling another man daddy just two weeks before.
Crila16 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Oh God...she sounds trashy. Let's just say he wasn't with this girl while he was still with you. That's just not normal behavior. He's definitely a mess. I know a girl that was dating a guy for 5 years and it was 1 week before the wedding and her fiance went on a business trip. He came back and broke up with her and told her he fell in love and was going to marry this other girl he had just met. This all went down 2 days before her wedding. She was a complete mess. 2 months later...he came to her house and tried to beat down the door. He wanted her wedding dress. The wedding dress she designed and paid for with her own money. He barged into the house and tried to get her dress. Her parents and brother were there to kick him out, but he swore he was going to get that dress. It turned out, he wanted the dress, because the thought of her wearing the dress to walk down the aisle with another man turned his stomach. After the little debacle about the dress, he begged for her back, telling her he loved her and made a mistake. 1 year later, she met a guy and ended up marrying him. Her ex fiance never got over her.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 This all went down 2 days before her wedding. She was a complete mess..........Her ex fiance never got over her. I'm glad mine didn't actually make it to that point. Our original plan was to be getting married 2 months from today.. though after a bit he started getting cold feet and we ended up pushing it back to get some other things taken care of. Thank goodness for small favors!
ThatJustHappened Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Normally I'd be calling this guy a jerk and telling you to write him off forever..but I know how he feels. The death of a parent is traumatic. It sounds like he's in a tailspin right now and that he doesn't really know what he's doing. You absolutely have to do what's right for yourself and move on..but perhaps go a teeny bit easier on him? As an above poster said, everybody handles grief differently..he's obviously not handling it well at all. Hopefully he will get himself some counseling. But I digress, right now he's not your concern, as he has chosen to be with someone else and turn to her for comfort instead of you. Like I said..take care of yourself..let him take care of himself. If he contacts you again, ignore him. Your responses are only encouraging him to contact you more. A question though..do you want him back? If you didn't, I feel like you would just block him everywhere. It seems like there's at least part of you that does..but I could be wrong. 1
Crila16 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 No. He didn't get cold feet. He's going through something more than that it sounds like. When is his wedding day with his new fiance? (New fiance...this is just crazy). Why did he make her his fiance after only 3 weeks, when he already had one who he was going to marry in 2 months. This just is crazy behavior. Couldn't he just date her? Why jump into marriage? There's definitely something psychological going on. This new fiance is going to get hurt badly. He needs to speak to a therapist.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 A question though..do you want him back? If you didn't, I feel like you would just block him everywhere. It seems like there's at least part of you that does..but I could be wrong. You know.. to be honest, I really DO want him back, but I know we can't be together. My heart hurts in a million ways at that thought. He was my go-to guy and best friend for 7 years. And I felt like I was the same for him. We've always shared this connection that I can't explain and people don't understand. But.. deep down I know I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again after all of this. Perhaps if it had just been a matter of us breaking up because he needed time? Then fine. But to go to where it has? I think I would end up making both of us miserable with worry. I don't know. I'm honestly torn. I not only lost the love of my life.. the man I was looking forward to marrying.. the one I saw as the father of my future kids.. but my best friend. And the last part is what hurts the most. In the past 7 years whenever I've struggled or needed anything.. someone to talk to.. someone to make me laugh through my tears.. it was always him. He was there to help me through it. Now.. since it's him that's the issue for me.. I can't turn to him anymore and it's so hard. I cry now as I write this because it still hurts so much, even after almost a month. Yes.. a HUGE part of me wants him back.. even after all he's done. Though everyone tells me... including my brain.. that I'd be a fool and had better not even consider it. My heart hurts for him though
Crila16 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Of course you want him back. I understand completely. I dated a guy for 6 years...and no matter what he did wrong, I kept forgiving and forgiving and finally...I was done. Part of you also wants him to quit while he's ahead before he does even more damage to the point where there's no turning back. You want him to just be able to stop and take everything back before he completely ruins any chance with you. The funny thing is, if he did leave this girl. You would take him back...and that's normal. I mean...c'mon. It's been 7 years. That's a long time, plus you'll want to believe it was just temporary insanity on his part. If you did ever take him back though, you'll resent him. The resentment would lead to you possibly being passive agressive towards him...leading to constant fighting and distrust. Unless he agrees to couple's therapy to get you both through this. Not to give you false hope or anything, but I don't believe it's going to work out with this other woman. Like I said earlier, I feel bad for her. She has to compete with the memory of you. He's going to realize what he's done. Just give it time. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
flitzanu Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 So.. my LD ex and I agreed on NC last Friday (whole story). I had told him I couldn't keep in contact with him right now.. Seeing his texts and having any contact with him hurt too much.. he said he understood. I said I would text him or something when I felt like I could have anything to do with him.. might be a few weeks.. months.. or maybe never. After a week he texts me. His new fiance (after 7 yrs of us together, making wedding plans, personally writing our ceremony, talking about babies and names we liked.. looking at places together he breaks it off, only to be "engaged" a week later) and he are driving back across the country from the west coast with his things (the trip /we/ had been looking forward to taking together). This is how it went: X: I have been debating on texting. I'm in your neck of the woods. Me: Yep. I figured you would be along the way. Have fun on your trip. X: Thanks Me: Seriously. Were you gonna bring your ****ing fiance to come see me? I can't believe you'd even text me that. I'm moving on. I deserve to be happy. Leave me alone. X: Holy crap I was just texting because the signs reminded me of you. I'm sorry. Really? While he's sitting in a truck next to her, taking the trip we had been planning on, he's texting me that he was thinking about me. Aww.. how sweet! What an ass. Apparently his new fairy tale isn't as magical as he'd have hoped. I hope the rest of his drive through my state and the rest of the way back (a trip we've taken together a few times) is long and miserable and he thinks about me the whole ****ing way. Then he'll know a FRACTION of what I've been going through while he's off with someone else taking pictures at Yellowstone and peacocking on Facebook. I'm so thankful that I'm at the point where I could tell him once again to leave me alone and not fall back into his trap.. letting him keep me on his miserable hook as "backup girl". Thanks to everyone for your support! NC is not a negotiation, you shouldn't be making agreements with him about it. you should be the one maintaining NC, because staying in contact with your ex is not going to help you heal.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 (edited) Crila16- Yes.. his father passed on the 28th, and no, they really weren't close. He had been living out on the west coast for the last 8 yrs and his father was in he midwest. He only eve went home maybe 1-2 times a year. As for the new fiance.. I have no idea if they have a date. He told me it started out as a joke one night when a bunch of them were sitting around drinking. Apparently, she broke up with the guy she'd been dating a week-ish before we broke up. As for the engagement.. he says it came up that wouldn't it be funny if he saw on Facebook that she was engaged to my X because his worst fear was always that she'd leave him for my X. Her X happens to be her sister's husband's brother and they've all known each other for years. Anyhow.. he said so they just "put it up there".. and it felt comfortable to him.. cause apparently he's had an epiphany or something now. And it was comfortable for her.. so they're going with it. I won't understand that in a million years.. cause he had already asked my parents.. we had been already making arrangements.. and ours was never on Facebook. Of course.. there's a million things I'll never understand. Maybe one day when he gets his life sorted out, he'll be able to talk to me about it all.. if I even care by that point. As for feeling bad for her.. I don't feel bad for her in the least. Well, perhaps I do to an extent that I feel like he's taking advantage of the fact that she's had this thing for him for years. But.. after the way she treated me when I was out there and then the hand-holding thing.. and then the engagement? I can't help but feel like she has as much to do in this situation as he did. I wouldn't ever ever ever agree to do something like that or even "joke" about it knowing a guy had just broken up with a girl. I also agree with the resentment issue and think that that's why it wouldn't ever work for us in the future.. not without counseling and A LOT of work. Even then, I think I'd still question every text.. every e-mail... *sigh* I wish I didn't love him as much as I do :/ NC is not a negotiation, you shouldn't be making agreements with him about it. you should be the one maintaining NC, because staying in contact with your ex is not going to help you heal. Yes, I know it's not a negotiation, though I'm still, I suppose in the mindset of being a couple and making decisions together that we can both agree on. Still haven't gotten over that to just worrying about myself yet. Edited August 20, 2012 by lovehurts82
Crila16 Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 When I said feel sorry for her...I should have used the work pity. Either way...they're both on the rebound. One of them is going to get hurt. The damage those two have caused with their little game. Selfish...the 2 of them. You should call the her ex up and get engaged to him on facebook (just kidding). That will piss them both off. Look. I don't know what caused this crazy irrational behavior on his part, but they don't know each other well enough in a relationship way. Just see how this all plays out. Either way...you'll win in the end. I don't think I want you to marry such a flakey guy who is capable of doing this to someone. He could turn and do this to her one day. I think you're pretty normal and deserve a really great guy. This is too much drama and this is not how a man behaves. What you're going to have to deal with (whether he comes back or not - which he probably will) is the disappointment and how he's let you down.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 Just see how this all plays out. Either way...you'll win in the end. I don't think I want you to marry such a flakey guy who is capable of doing this to someone......... What you're going to have to deal with (whether he comes back or not - which he probably will) is the disappointment and how he's let you down. Yeah, my mom (bless her) has been saying just this same thing to me.. as have my aunts. Just watch and see how it all plays out. I know I'll probably end up the better for it in the end.. but it hurts me to see him giving up so much of his life and all the things he'd worked so hard for for so long to settle for the likes of her. I feel like she'll drain him of his savings then leave him flat with nothing when she figures out just how moody and quite possibly bi-polar he really is. Up until this, he'd always been such a hard worker.. focusing his life on his work and making something of himself. Right now, he has no job.. no idea what to do for a job.. I could go on and on and I suppose it's me still worrying about him and carrying for his well being. I need to remind myself he's not my concern anymore.. this is his own choosing.. and the consequences are his alone to deal with. I have my own baggage now to carry.
flitzanu Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Yes, I know it's not a negotiation, though I'm still, I suppose in the mindset of being a couple and making decisions together that we can both agree on. Still haven't gotten over that to just worrying about myself yet. why would you believe that's a helpful way to do anything right now?
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 why would you believe that's a helpful way to do anything right now? It's not that I believe it's helpful. It's that that's how I've been operating for the last 7 years, so it's kind of become more habit.
Author lovehurts82 Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 (edited) As someone told me a few days ago.. don't respond to him.. write here.. I'm writing here. Another rough day for me today. Not quite sure why, though. I can't get rid of the second thoughts.. feeling like I shouldn't have snapped at him in the text that sparked this post. Or maybe I should text and apologize simply for that. Ugh! I HATE this feeling. I know that from years of having been with him that this is how our arguments went. I would end up apologizing for something, regardless of how it went, it seemed. So not it's killing me not to try and make things right once moe. But I don't WANT to apologize. I want HIM to.. I want him to come back to me.. But I don't.. My mind's slowly becoming a mess again and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just one of those days? Now that I think about it though, I happened upon some old e-mails yesterday of when we had first gotten together.. and they were so lovey. Makes me really miss when things were like that. I wish now that I had been more like that toward the end. Maybe there wouldn't have been one. Who knows. I also realized yesterday that by our original plans, we would have been getting married 2 months from yesterday. It makes the thought of him being already engaged to someone else almost unbearable. Just.. needed to vent and get it out there before I end up texting him. Edited August 21, 2012 by lovehurts82
I'm nuts Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I'm sorry to hear you story. Speaking as a bloke, being in a relationship with someone 7 years, talk of getting married, kids, and then, not only going off with another woman but getting engaged the next week just doesn't happen, it is something much deeper, something is mentally wrong with this guy, he might be on the point of some kind of breakdown, you never know, but no way do you make such a drastic change in your life without something seriously wrong going on in the brain in the background.
flitzanu Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 It's not that I believe it's helpful. It's that that's how I've been operating for the last 7 years, so it's kind of become more habit. and now you've openly recognized that it isn't helpful and that it's a perceived habit. recognizing what it is, what can you do to change it?
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