LONG But need to vent and moving on

[lovehurts82]

To anyone reading this, I apologize profusely for being so verbose, but I need to get this whole thing out there, even if it's so that I can see my whole thoughts and remind myself that I'm better off now. If you wouldn't mind reading through and offering any type of feedback and support you might have, it's greatly appreciated.

 

I have had a long-distance friendship with a guy (X) for the last 7-8 years. Several times during that friendship, he came here to visit me and hang out a bit, though it never was beyond friends. We were like two peas in a pod, talked ALL the time on the phone, texted, chatted.. you name it.

 

In the last three years, we'd gotten much closer, talking about getting together and nt being long distance anymore, but then he decided he wasn't ready to commit just yet. I tried dating someone else and he called me on Valentine's Day, begging me to be his, saying he'd do anything to be with me.. he was ready to come here and do whatever I wanted. Things weren't going so well with the guy I was seeing and we ended up breaking up. I called X back and we talked through things, decided we wanted to be together and couldn't imagine ourselves without each other.

 

Things progressed through to last summer and he asked my mother and father for their permission to marry me. We set up a wedding date and were both very excited for the future. A couple months after that, he started getting upset because things were moving too fast, he felt too pressured and so we agreed to slow down. I went out there for Thanksgiving and we had an amazing time.

 

Last Christmas, we went back to his hometown (8hrs away.. he had been living on the west coast for the last 7 years) and he took me to meet his family and friends back there for the first time. We also went to his best friend's house and had a Christmas party with them. His bf is married to the oldest of four girls. One of those girls had had a thing for him, and he a thing for her for a while (they grew up together) and she wasn't at the party. Someone slipped up that she was seeing his bf's brother and X got pissed off because he felt like they were trying to hide it from him. I asked him if it was really that big of a deal.. that /we/ were together, so it didn't really matter what she was doing. He said he was mad because it felt like they were trying to hide it from him. He had said at that time that he'd never go any further than friends with her because she had two kids by two different guys and he couldn't raise someone else's kids. I went out there again at the end of April and again, we had an amazing time together and he left me a note in my luggage saying he couldn't wait for our future together, the trip had been great, he felt closer to me than we had eve been..

 

Since then, we had started looking at apartments and houses here (he had applied, interviewed, and pretty much could have an awesome job here) and also in a big city 4 hrs from each of our parents. We talked about names for the children we wanted to have, places to get married, what kinds of dogs we would like to get when we got a place, rituals and traditions we wanted to include (down to wanting to have a hand-fasting), and him being interested in hand-making the rings.

 

A month ago, we went on vacation together back to where he's from. That weekend was one of the sisters' birthdays and she had had a pool party. Not really knowing anyone and feeling very excluded and unwelcomed by those girls, I spent the majority of the time by the edge of the pool while he was out swimming with the others and those girls were hanging all over him. By the end of the night, I was pretty upset and we were out on the porch talking to his friend that drove us. He asked me what was wrong and I said I didn't want to talk about it there and cause a scene. He insisted until his friend piped up that I wasn't used to the sisters and he could see a few things that would make me upset. I said yes, that was pretty much it and he hugged and apologized.

 

By that time it was time to leave and the driver was too drunk to drive so the girls' mother was taking us home. X's bf sat in the passenger seat and X sat in the middle of me and the sister he had had a thing for. Since it was cramped, he put his arms up around our shoulders and though I was a little curious about it, I didn't say anything, thinking it was just crowded. We weren't even out of the driveway and I look over and she's got her arm bent up, rubbing his hand! After 5 minutes of it, I took my hand off his thigh and sat looking out the window, not wanting to cause a fuss until we got home. When she finally moved to the front seat after his bf got out, he asked again. I lifted and shook my hand and pointed to her, then looked back away. When we got to his mom's, he asked me if I was gonna tell him what my problem was. I asked back if he was going to tell me why he just sat there while she was rubbing his hand.. with ME sitting right next to them. He huffed and shook his head, trying to rationalize it and say she was just drunk.. she was with someone else (who by then her kids were already calling daddy) he didn't know what else he was supposed to do.. he didn't want to raise a fuss because her mom was being nice enough to bring us home.. I said I didn't give a ****.. He should have pulled his hand back right then, instead of waiting until I made it apparent I knew what was going on. We argued for a while over it and he kept saying he was sorry, he understood why I was upset.. he would have been far worse.. that's why he was letting me go on and not getting mad at me.

 

We went back to my parents' house 2 days later as planned and spent a week with them. Thursday we spent a day with my teen brother and sister visiting a small historic community and had a really great trip. The next day my parents took off work and we were going to visit an Amish place where we had been before and on the drive there, he asked me if when we got married, if things didn't work out, would I let him have and raise our boys and I could keep the girls. I was floored and didn't know what to say. It lead to another argument and I said I refused to agree to anything like that. He had gotten mad and said I of course wouldn't. I'd keep the kids and if he wanted anything to do with them, he'd have to stick around where he had no other friends nor family. When we got where we were going, I tried blowing it off, not wanting to make a scene around my family. A great part of that week spent a large part of his time texting on his phone (which wasn't uncommon) and would even take it to the bathroom with him, claiming he was playing a game. We had a party with my family on a Saturday and several times in the night, he disappeared into the house to "use the restroom", to the point my parents questioned where he was or what was taking so long. The remainder of the trip, it felt like he kept saying and doing things to irritate me or upset me.. including telling me I didn't spent enough time paying attention to him during the party.

 

He left on a Tuesday to go back out west and Wednesday we had a discussion about things. I had almost had enough at that point and told him I wasn't sure I wanted to continue. Especially after what had happened with that girl and that I felt like he kept doing things just to upset me. I had been up for over 24 hrs at that point and so told him I needed some time to think about things and really decide what I wanted, and I really needed to get some sleep to think rationally. He asked me to think about the future and that we were so close to being able to be together. I said I would and would call him when I got up and we could talk more.

 

Not even 10 mins after we had gotten off the phone, he called me with news from the place 4 hours from our families. They were going to offer him an amazing opportunity to work there for 3 weeks.. full pay.. put him in a hotel, give him a rental car. I told him of course he should do it, it was a wonderful opportunity for him to be closer to his family even if we didn't work. I then began rethinking things, thinking maybe the Lord was telling me with His timing that I needed to hang in there, this was just a bump in the road and things would be better soon. I thought things through that night and decided I wanted to try and hang in there.. and told him I felt like a lot of our issues are probably due to being long distance and maybe things would be better soon if we hung in there.

 

The next day he called me and said he had gotten some bad news.. his dad had been in an accident and had broken his leg and hit his head. By Friday night, he decided he was going to go back home.. he felt like he needed to be there. I told him if he wanted me to come along, I would be there for him. I'd make the drive out there. He said he would let me know later after he knew more. The next several days were horrible. He'd call in the morning and before bed and let me know what was going on.. things weren't going well and he wasn't sure his dad would make it. I told him I wanted to be there with him, in case something happened. He kept telling me he needed space and time to deal with it.. that he coped with things on his own and he had family and friends there with him.

 

I gave him space, let him call when he could, and tried not to bother him. But, at night, he'd go out with his friends to the bars and drink, or go to his best friend's house and hang out with everyone and drink. One night I told him I couldn't keep going on like we were.. he said he needed space and time alone, but he'd go out with his friends.. and /that/ wasn't alone time. I couldn't stand being here and having him there and hurting and I couldn't be there to comfort him or lend support. He said I had been amazing through it so far and he appreciated my giving him space, being caring and there when he needed to talk.

 

The next Friday morning he was called into the hospital and had called me and told me if I still wanted to come out there, now would be the time. I talked to people at work and let them know, told him I would be out there as soon as I could (even though I had been awake for work all night), but would call him when I got things figured out. When I called him back, he said it was really nothing major.. and he didn't think after getting there and finding out that I needed to come out there yet. I was a wreck after that and finally told him I could do this up and down stuff anymore, I didn't understand how he couldn't want the person that's supposed to be the love of his life out there with him.. things like that were supposed to bring people together, not push them apart. I also told him I had had hopes and dreams for our future that included his dad.. he would have been my father in law.. the grandfather to the kids we had talked about having.. He responded by telling me that "to be blunt, completely honest, and perhaps a bit mean, he didn't care about my feelings". At that point, I said I was done and that when he decided what he wanted to do, what he wanted and had time to think about things, he could let me know because this was killing me.. I couldn't eat.. sleep.. function at work.

 

The next morning he called and asked if I wanted to talk. I told him I didn't see a point in talking, really, because just the night before he told me he didn't care about my feelings and so why should I voice them. He told me fine, if that's what you want.. he couldn't deal with me anymore and my bull****.. he had other things to deal with. He ended up getting pissed and telling me he didn't know why I was treating him like this.. finally hung up.

 

He called back later that afternoon and said he wanted to know where things stood with us and I broke down. I explained again to him my feelings and thoughts and told him I loved him more than anything.. that's why it hurt so much to not be there.. and I did not understand why he didn't want me to be there. At the end though, I told him I couldn't just be up on a shelf anymore and wait around.. this was hard for me too.. hearing him crying on the phone and not being able to comfort him. He asked that I give him a few days to think things through and would I please answer his call when he called me. I said I would and asked to please keep me updated on what was going on with his dad. He said he would call me if anything changed.. because it deserved it. I didn't hear from him again until Saturday when he texted me 4 hours after his dad passed and simply said he passed at a given time.

 

Five days later, I called and talked to him and said I hadn't heard anything, he hadn't called when his dad passed and needed to know where we stood. He said he thought we needed to leave things as they were.. we needed our space. He just couldn't do this right now. I asked why.. wanted to know if I had done something in particular and he said no, I hadn't done anything. He just couldn't do it. I asked that if I hadn't done anything and there was no one else, why and he didn't have one.

 

A week later, I see on his Facebook that he's now ENGAGED to the chick that was rubbing his hand in the car and when I asked him about it, he said he didn't think it would affect me and asked if we really needed to talk about it. I said yes, how do you go from having wedding plans with me to engaged to someone else in a week's time.. and what about her boyfriend and kids' dad. He told me they had broken up before we had (I found out later on Facebook it was a week before us) and that he hadn't had anything going on with her while he was with me. He said they had all been sitting around drinking and it was brought up that they should just get married and so he thought why not. I told him I didn't believe there hadn't been anything for a minute and have fun raising someone else's babies. He told me if a night of drinking and a Facebook post cause me to doubt his loyalty we were better off apart.

 

My questions are:

 

Is there something I should have done differently? Should I not have gotten so upset about him not wanting me there?

 

How do people do **** like that and live with themselves? I can't think it's a joke when it's still listed as an engagement and I called and TALKED to him about it the next morning and he sounded more honest in telling me it was the case than he's sounded in most anything else he's said.

 

Am I crazy for thinking something HAD to have been going on? That's why he didn't want me there?

 

How do I pick up and move on after all of that? Especially when the guy I dated before him cheated as well and X always said how big of a POS HE had been.. assured me he'd never do the same. It hurts so much and I can't get it out of my head. Im so angry.. so hurt.. feel so betrayed. We were supposed to be getting married.. our original date was 2 months from now.

 

Any help is appreciated more than you know!

Edited August 5, 2012 by lovehurts82

[Tally123]

Wow.....I literally read the last couple of paragraphs of your post with my jaw dropped to the floor!!!!

I am so sorry for to you that you have had to put up with this absolute tool for so long. What kind of man (no sorry "person") treats another human being like that?! Making plans with you and a week later is engaged to someone else? I have to question his sanity a little bit?

You must be really hurting and wanting answers, all of which you are entitled to after such a long time with somebody and investing yourself also.

Have you spoken to him since?...do you even want to speak to him?

I am at a loss as to what to say to you, but from the sounds of it he is a massive waste of space to treat anyone like that and you are much better off out of it.

The one thing I have learnt recently is that it is better to have nothing at all, than someone who will give you bits and pieces but not their whole.

Keep us posted and take care

[todreaminblue]

I have had two cheats as exes so I know how you feel,I am sorry that you had to go through what you did,I was engaged for a very long time before my last ex and I split up, the ex before a broken engagement as well, not as long though and both were cheats.The question I ask myself is....why did I choose to allow myself to be treated that way.Forgiving all the time, only did me more damage,years of hopelessness and broken dreams.

 

If I could offer you any form of comfort, is that even though it hurts, years and years of being hurt would have delayed your chances of finding happiness with someone who loves you.You deserve that, and after you deal with all the hurt and feel good about yourself, it will happen you know, even though it doesn't seem like it now.I hope you find that man you are looking for.That man who deserves your love.....best wishes from me to you....deb

[lovehurts82]

Thanks all of you for your thoughts and support. It has been a really rough road and I really needed to hear some of these same things from people outside of the situation, cause even though my family and friends have told me the same, sometimes it helps to hear it from people who aren't necessarily biased to my side.

 

As for having heard from him, my friend had been the one to alert me to his status change and asked me about it because at that time he had though we had gotten back together "in style". Having to tell my friend no, it wasn't me was like driving nails into my heart. He texted me last night and said "I want you to know for yourself that I didn't cheat on you. You're worth more than that and you know it." I didn't respond to it. My mom messaged him on Facebook and said that his status explained why there seemed to be a distance between the two of us when he was back and that she was shocked; she hadn't taken him as the kind of person who could hurt someone that they supposedly loved so much. He wrote her back and said he didn't cheat on her daughter and that he had appreciated the warm welcome and hospitality that they had shown when he was back. He said that there was a rockiness in our relationship at that time that was the cause of the distance and he was willing to share it with her if she wanted to know because he felt like she deserved to know. He said he was sorry for having hurt her daughter and that he still cared about me very much. She responded that yes, she would like an explanation and how do you go from someone's bed one week to being engaged to someone else in a matter of 3 weeks.. how do you fall in and out of love so fast. So.. we'll see what he has to say to that.

 

I WANT to talk to him.. and as crazy as it is.. I know in my mind it's insane, I still love the man to pieces. It feels like a part of me is missing. I vested so much time in him.. we had so many plans and hopes and dreams for the future. We've been through so much. My brain knows this is for the best.. logically. But my heart hurts so so much. I can't say right now that if he showed up at my door I wouldn't fall back into his trap again. I know how much he's hurt me. I vested so much into our relationship.. giving up Friday nights where my family would go out for karaoke all together so that I would be able to spend our Fridays "hanging out". We would get on skype and play video games together or sync movies up to play at the same time and be on the phone while it was on so it was as close as we could get at the time to watching them together.

 

I think maybe, so that can get all of my thoughts and feelings out there.. so he KNOWS what he's done, I may write it all out in an email or a Facebook message so at least I can get it all out. I do much better with writing out things than talking because I tend to close up. Would this be a bad decision? At least then I would feel like I got to tell him exactly how I feel and show him what he's done?

[lovehurts82]

Lol.. thanks for that. It did indeed make me chuckle. Just another update. He texted last night and simply wrote "I'm sorry". I wasn't going to respond to it, but then as I've said.. there's things I never got to say that I needed to get off of my chest. I this was the conversation:

 

X: I'm sorry

 

Me: I'm sorry too... sorry I wasted 7 years for this BS

 

X: Sorry you see it that way

 

me: Whatever. You're the one off and engaged to someone else a ****ing week after we broke up.. Telling me "I just can't do it right now, babe," when in fact you had something else cooking on the burner. You don't even KNOW how much that hurts me.. to be another Nadine (his ex) that waited around for you... expecting babies and marriage and instead I just get kicked to the curb cause you've already moved on. So yep.. I DO see it that way

 

I wish I could get ahold of her right now and apologize for my part in whatever bull**** she went through cause it hurts like hell (they'd been together and apart several times, then they said they were done but only living together as roommates because it was too expensive on their own and she hadn't had a job... or so he says. Makes me wonder what he really did to her now, since so many other things have been a lie.)

 

X: Yeah, well. Like I said. I'm sorry.

 

Me: You know, I didn't change my mind about the breakup thing the next day because simply of the thrill of chicago. I love you and thought that perhaps wih the timing of it.. 10 mins after our conversation, it was God's way of saying to hang in there.. the two of you will have a better chance soon.. Things are going to look up and distance will no longer be an issue.. You'll make it through this and I have bigger plans for you

 

X: I understand.

 

me: But.. I'll be okay.. I'll get there.. I'm strong. And no you don't understand. You haven't an inkling. But that's okay too. I honestly wish you luck and pray those kids aren't hurt in the end. Can you honestly say you want to raise them now after years of telling me you never could? After saying if something was going to happen between the two of you, then it would have happened years ago? After saying you didn't want to vest so much moeny and time into your career to have to give it up? Can you move back to the small town life after being so stuck on the city? You wouldn't have done it for me, but I was willing to give up living here near my family for you. You said at one point you didn't ever want to move back home because it was filled with people who never went anywhere. Has all that changed so much in the last week and a half?

 

Not to mention.. is that the type of person you want raising your kids? Someone who thinks it's okay to rub and caress a man's hand when his girlfriend is sitting on the other side of him? Her kids were calling her ex daddy and she just up and got rid of him. Maybe for you? Only the two of you know what kind of contact you've had over the last however many months. And if there was contact before we broke up and they broke up, who's to say she won't do the same to you if things aren't working out. I know you're in the clouds now. You have this fresh new relationship that you've been apparently pining for for years. But knowing you... or at least thinking I knew you, cause I'm not sure anymore.. the things going on and what you'd been telling me for years aren't quite adding up. The nights we spent talking on the phone.. making wedding plans.. talking about what dogs to get and what to name them. Deciding that the "pukeface" was something rather hilarious. You swore we were soulmates.. you'd never connected with another woman like you had me.. You told me "I can't live without you.. can't imagine my life without you" ... you called me tirelessly on the phone and texted like crazy the last time we had issues. Every relationship has issues... and I was working on mine.. just as you said you were working on yours.

 

We never got the chance at a normal face to face relationship. Never got to "clear the obstacles in our way". Who knows how things could have turned out. Maybe perfect.. maybe not.. But.. that's over now. I'm not asking you to come back to me. Again, I know we're through. I just hop you're thinking about things and not acting on emotions because there's more than just you and her in that relationship and no kid deserves to have men in and out of their lives. You know how that feels. So, again.. Best wishes to you if this is what you really want. I just hope you've thought about things. I'll leave it at that and let you be now that I've said most of what I have to say. Good luck.

 

X: Thanks you. I really appreciate your thoughts and warnings.

 

Yesterday was a hard day.. then I see on facebook he has a picture of his new "Rainbow Bright" dolly and him that he's posted up and she writes "Awww.. love you babe" under it. Then later, his status is "Enjoying a beautiful night with a beautiful lady." Made me seriously sick to my stomach. I unsubscribed to his feed after that. I don't need that kind of torture.. as I feel like that's what's being done.. and on purpose.. as it's another something he never did with us.. Although.. I guess perhaps that was because he's had her on the side and didn't want her to find out. Hmmm... Anyhow. I really want to post a picture of me kissing one of my guyfriends' cheeks (that he doesn't know) and post it up on mine.. to make him think I've moved on and am okay without him. UGh.. but I don't really wanna get into that nasty cycle of mind games either. Anyhow.. had a talk with both of my parents last night and it helped me to feel better. Dad did what he does best and was upfront and blunt on things.. which I need sometimes. Reminded me that I didn't really lose anything but words and broken promises, cause he wouldn't commit to being with me in the flesh and if he really had loved me.. we wouldn't have spent 7 years apart.. he'd have wanted.. NEEDED to be with me at any cost. I'm feeling a bit better this morning and each day is getting a bit easier overall. Thanks again all for everything!

[lovehurts82]

So.. X texted me again on Thursday night and it just said "Sorry". I didn't respond that night.. then sent "For?" Friday afternoon. Friday was a horrible day for me.. full of tears and hurting. Trying to find something to feel better, I stumbled upon this quote:

 

People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may not be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God.

It never was between you and them anyway.

 

[Mother Theresa]

 

That quote seemed to hit home with me and I felt like for as much as he had hurt me, I needed to forgive the situation (not forget, of course) and find peace in order to begin to move on. He sent back "for everything". I said I at least hoped he was happy in his life now and then he asked how i was. I told him I meant that sincerely and said I have my days.. then said to be completely honest? ****ing miserable, but I'll live and asked how he was. He said he was sorry and that he's dealing with a lot of changes, some days good and others not. I told him I could imagine, this was definitely not the way I had pictured our futures, but I supposed we'd see what the alternative is. He said he supposed. I told him not to sound so enthused and he wrote lol. I updated him on the things I'd been doing.. about getting back out and getting my own place again, getting back to the gym, having lost a bit of weight, and just picking up the pieces. He congratulated me and I told him I wasn't sure I could keep in contact with him.. it hurt too much because I was sure he knew my feelings on things still and that it hurt to see their pics and to think that that engagement announcement should have been ours.. which never even made it to facebook... even after all the nights of planning and making arrangements together. He wrote he understood and was sorry. I asked him if he'd like to talk one last time without being mad or angry and he said if I wanted to. So.. I called him and we talked a bit. I told him I still wished he'd be honest and he again swore he'd not had anything to do with the girl while he and I were together and that she had just been there the night his father passed away and they started talked and such and then someone had joked it would be funny if it was announced on Facebook that they were engaged, as that was her ex bf's biggest fear (they broke up a week before my ex and I) and so they did it.. and he said it just "felt comfortable". That he felt comfortable with that status and she had as well, so they were going with it. I still dont at all understand that.. but whatever. I asked him if he would believe that story and everything that he's told me if I had explained things like that to him and done the things he'd done. He said no, he'd have a hard time with it.. but supposed he would have if I gave it to him straight up like he had me.

 

We continued to talk for a bit.. He said he had no idea what he was going to do for a job or money or if he was going to continue on with the career he had been working on or if he was going to try doing something else. I told him about trying to burn his stuff and circumstances not cooperating and he seemed upset that I would burn it. I told him I didn't have any use for it anymore. He kept telling me I needed to cheer up and teased me with some of the more memorable terms and phrases we had used over the years. It seemed in an odd way to have helped the situation for me. I had felt horrible for being mean and saying hurtful stuff to him while all this had been going on and when I found out about the other girl. I know he deserved it, but I still felt horrible inside.

 

I reiterated the fact that this was to be the last contact we had.. I couldn't call or text him anymore after that call because it was too hard. He said he understood and I made mention of the fact that I was gonna go out that evening and maybe meet someone new.. He commented that he was going to have a hard time with seeing me with someone else.. that he was still subscribed to my feed on Facebook, but when Im in a new relationship, he's gonna have to unsub from it.

 

Any idea what his deal is? Is he still bothered by the fact that I'm convinced he's a cheater? Is he just feeling remorse for having done what he's done? Is he just trying to justify himself? Is he trying to keep my on the stringer?

 

Two days later, I think I made the right choice in having at least left the last conversation at being civil and enjoyable, rather than in a bad state of mind and at odds. I can't help but think of his dad's freak accident and couldn't handle thinking about something like that happening to either of us and having the last things we said to each other being hurtful. He was not only my SO.. the man I planned to marry.. have children with.. He was my best friend for 7 years. We'd been through A LOT of **** together and even if he's hurt me.. and I don't think we could ever be together again, I still love and care about him and don't want to be hurtful back. Am I crazy for thinking this way? I couldn't get over feeling bad for having been mean in some of the things I had said to him. Though, that may also have been a product of his years of controlling and playing the victim.. I dunno. I feel better this weekend though, so I suppose that's what matters.

[Tally123]

Lovehurts...I am writing for an update really. Last time I read that he had text you and you had some exchange of emails. How are you getting on?

[lovehurts82]

Tally123- I updated last night with what had happened by the end of this last week. As for me, I'm hanging in there. I've been feeling a bit better each day I think, though I still have my moments and days where a song, a thought.. or something someone says will remind me of X and I'll get teary. I think I've finally accepted the situation at least. Having talked to him and hearing that he's apparently happy with her (why would he still need to contact me?) and getting a last chance to end things on a lighter note helped me tremendously. My faith is strong, and faith, prayer, and lots of reading through inspirational blogs and such have brought me a long ways up. Thanks for the interest!

[not-a-drive-by]

*hugs*

 

I really don't understand how the human mind can be so cruel at times. It's quite scary how someone can flip 360 degrees on how they feel towards someone. One day, you are their love of their life and whatnot, and the next day, they are able to kick you to the curb and treat you like $h1t.

 

It really makes it hard to trust anyone after these experiences, especially when it comes to love. Hang in there. I know it is easy to say (and the pain still lies with you), but it's better that you can see the real him now, than rather seeing it after you are married and with kids. I'm really sorry, and I am bearing the same heartbreak as you. I still love my ex very much .

[lovehurts82]

Having a rough day of it today, I'll admit. I let my curiosity get the best of me as I was on Facebook and I opened X's page, only to see pictures of he and his new "fiance" on the cross-country trip to move him back to the midwest.. stopping at campgrounds in the mountains, Yellowstone.. doing all the things we were supposed to be doing. It made me physically sick to my stomach once again and all that "crap" started coming back.. wondering how and why.. and what she has that I don't. So.. I did what I should have done in the beginning and unfriended him as well as his parents and anyone else associated. I hated doing it.. didn't WANT to do it.. but I know it's only hurting me and delaying the progress I've already made in healing. I guess if a friendship is even to last out of this, it'll come back around eventually, though I'm not sure I'll even be able to handle /that/ anytime soon. I cried a bit this morning.. or teared up on the phone to my mother when I told her I was having a rough day. She praised me for having done amazingly well in being in good spirits and hanging in there this week, not dwelling. It only lasted for a short time though, and I was feeling better. I know I'll have days like this.. just have to keep on a-chuggin.

[lovehurts82]

It's been 2 months almost now, since my ex and I broke up and this week for some reason has me soo blue. I actually cried myself to sleep last night and for the last 3 days prior, I couldn't help but miss him. I even had a dream that he had wanted to come back around and it scared me because as much as it hurts, I know I can't go back. I just miss talking to him, joking, teasing. Feels like he's the only one in the world who could make me laugh at the drop of a dime, even if I was red faced and covered in tears.