Hatred & revenge.

[pteromom]

I still have the phone with the messages from when she was pregnant including the one that says "i can f*** who i want when i want & you cant do anything about it" .... I realise some people might think this is a petty thing to do, but if it hurts her, so be it.

 

And you don't care that it will also hurt your son? Your son will LOVE his mother, no matter what she's done to hurt you. And when you insult his mother, you will also be insulting HIM, and taking away all the security of the life he has. Is that really what you want to do? If so, you need help, dude.

 

Any revenge ideas?

 

 

Yes. Fight for partial custody and a plan that will allow you to have an ongoing relationship with your son.

 

Build an incredible bond with him and be the best father ever.

 

Smile and laugh and help make your son a better person.

 

Your ex will realize the wonderful man she missed out on and will have to live with that regret forever.

[pteromom]

You will get to a point, maybe not today or tomorrow, where you WILL be able to forgive her.

 

You won't forgive her because you think what she did is ok.

 

You won't forgive her because you want to grant her some kind of pass.

 

You will forgive her simply because the burden of carrying around the anger will become tiring, and you'll just make that decision to set it down and walk away from it.

 

You'll realize that anything she did to "hurt you" wasn't about you at all, and in the long run, it only hurt HER. You'll realize that her ability to do what she did speaks of some great sickness in her mind or soul, or something that is lacking from her, and you'll actually get to a point where you can feel SORRY for what she's lacking.

 

You'll realize that your life and your choices have nothing to do with choices SHE has made. You can go on and be happy. You can go on and find a good relationship with a healthy happy woman. You can be a great dad and teach your son the virtues of love and acceptance.

 

Every moment you focus on your hatred for her is another moment you choose HER over growth for yourself.

 

Every moment you focus on REVENGE is more power you hand over to HER.

 

Living well is the best revenge. It's a cliche because it is true. The best revenge is to go out and be happy and leave her behind. Prove you don't need her and you are better off without her. That's the best revenge.

 

Just remember - assuming you gain some type of partial custody of your son, she will always be his mother. Her dad will always be his grandmother. You would be smart to stay very clever in your dealings with her family, because you never know when you will need their goodwill toward you.

[seany25]

You'll get very few men, I suspect, agreeing with your arguments, justifications or rationale....

 

Any man who says that they would not be affected or angry about this happening to them, are lying.

 

Anyway, it isn't just the sick acts she carried out, its also all the things i have been denied & everything i missed out on that adds to my hatred of her.

[seany25]

And you don't care that it will also hurt your son? Your son will LOVE his mother, no matter what she's done to hurt you. And when you insult his mother, you will also be insulting HIM, and taking away all the security of the life he has. Is that really what you want to do? If so, you need help, dude.

 

Yes of course i have considered this, & no i dont want to hurt him. I would like to see HER hurting though, for everything she has done to me. As disgusting as that sounds, she reduced me to this.

 

Yes. Fight for partial custody and a plan that will allow you to have an ongoing relationship with your son.

Build an incredible bond with him and be the best father ever.

 

Smile and laugh and help make your son a better person.

 

Your ex will realize the wonderful man she missed out on and will have to live with that regret forever.

 

I will be fighting for whatever custody i can get yes.

 

I will be my sons "cool" daddy. The kind he will brag to his mates at school about.

 

And yes, i do know, in fact i have believed this for quite a while now, that this woman WILL have serious regrets about what she has done, & will realise what a stupid cow she has been by what she threw away with me. Good, she deserves it.

[escafeld]

seany you conceived a child very early in a relationship, did you want this child?

 

What were this woman's qualities that led you to believe having a child with her would be a good idea?

 

As far as I can see the child is being used as a political football by both of you.

 

Ps: I'm male by the way and hope my perspective helps you.

[escafeld]

I will be my sons "cool" daddy. The kind he will brag to his mates at school about.

 

There's nothing 'cool' in wanting to enact revenge and punishment on his mother though, that isn't the kind of playground banter children generally engage in when championing their parents.

[seany25]

You will get to a point, maybe not today or tomorrow, where you WILL be able to forgive her.

 

You won't forgive her because you think what she did is ok.

 

You won't forgive her because you want to grant her some kind of pass.

 

You will forgive her simply because the burden of carrying around the anger will become tiring, and you'll just make that decision to set it down and walk away from it.

 

You'll realize that anything she did to "hurt you" wasn't about you at all, and in the long run, it only hurt HER. You'll realize that her ability to do what she did speaks of some great sickness in her mind or soul, or something that is lacking from her, and you'll actually get to a point where you can feel SORRY for what she's lacking.

 

You'll realize that your life and your choices have nothing to do with choices SHE has made. You can go on and be happy. You can go on and find a good relationship with a healthy happy woman. You can be a great dad and teach your son the virtues of love and acceptance.

 

Every moment you focus on your hatred for her is another moment you choose HER over growth for yourself.

 

Every moment you focus on REVENGE is more power you hand over to HER.

 

Living well is the best revenge. It's a cliche because it is true. The best revenge is to go out and be happy and leave her behind. Prove you don't need her and you are better off without her. That's the best revenge.

 

Just remember - assuming you gain some type of partial custody of your son, she will always be his mother. Her dad will always be his grandmother. You would be smart to stay very clever in your dealings with her family, because you never know when you will need their goodwill toward you.

 

I will never be able to forgive her. It is not just the disgusting slag stuff she done, its all the rest of the things i have lost too - His christening, his name, godparents, scans, being at the hospital, ignoring me when pregnant, denying me the privilege of feeling him kicking in the womb, not letting me see him for 6 weeks after he was born, keeping me out of his life for the first year etc etc etc....as well as screwing the country while pregnant. God himself wouldn't forgive this whore.

 

I dont want to forgive her, she has done way too much wrong to deserve an ounce of it.

 

I will always hate her.

 

I hope i can eventually accept that what she has done is a defect in her being.

 

I hope SHE see's what she has done & what a really awful person she is.

 

I also hope it kills her

 

I will show everyone - especially her - what a great dad i am, what a great person i am, & what an awesome guy the silly b*tch messed about & allowed herself to lose, & the horrendous things she has done to that guy will someday creep up on her & the guilt will ruin her.

 

Maybe the reason it hurts so much is because this was a girl i truly, truly loved with all my heart, & for her to do all this to someone who loved her more than anyone she will ever know, it just baffles me, & destroyed my belief in love. I will never again let one girl have the power to ruin my life, ever again. I wont be a one woman man, i am living the life of a playboy. Maybe someday i will settle, but i need to do this now, & why shouldn't i, i mean it is a lifestyle choice, its not like I'm allowing myself to be degraded at the back of a pub whilst carrying a baby is it?

 

I will work on controlling my urge for vengeance. Maybe when i am successful i will see the regret in her eyes one day, & i will realise in that moment that my success WAS the best revenge after all.

 

I dont want anything to do with her family. I know that her mum & sister have tried talking sense into her before, to no avail. But they have long since given up & all play happy family's without me or my family, so i dont like them. They dont bother with me now, so i wont bother with them later.

 

If i am even able to try & put a stop to my quest for revenge, how do i get rid of the hate?

 

I do not want to forgive her, however i DO want to get rid of the pain :'(

 

Dont tell me thats not possible, there must be a way

 

:'(

[seany25]

seany you conceived a child very early in a relationship, did you want this child?

 

yes i did. I fell head over heels for this girl & we could have been SO good as a family, which is completely ruined now. After 2 months together she casually dropped into conversation that she would like to have a baby with me, i was surprised, but nicely surprised as i loved her.

 

What were this woman's qualities that led you to believe having a child with her would be a good idea?

 

She had a job, i had my career plan, i loved her, i THOUGHT she loved me. But then, as my initial post, & all my other posts explains, a lot of **** then went down.

 

As far as I can see the child is being used as a political football by both of you.

.

 

No. But i do suspect that she really enjoys making me suffer.

[escafeld]

No. But i do suspect that she really enjoys making me suffer.

 

Sorry I can't reply directly to your post, but one observation I would make is that deciding to have a child after knowing someone for only two months is likely to be fraught with difficulties. She may be deriving some pleasure from your suffering but my advice to you would be to set it aside, it's her pain not yours. Concentrate on being a good and inspirational father to your son.

 

Although my own situation isn't similar to yours, I was married for over 20 years, my wife had an affair and left me for the other man, I harboured all kinds of grievances towards him/them as he moved into the family home and effectively took over my life..I became liberated the day I could look him in the eye, shake his hand thereby claiming the moral high ground, believe me it's the most powerful tool you have at your disposal.

[TaraMaiden]

Any man who says that they would not be affected or angry about this happening to them, are lying.

 

Oh, really....?

So first you ask for male input....

 

sk some male friends what THEY would do if they were in my shoes, ask them to REALLY think about how they would feel, & let me know what kind of replies you get. Please.

 

.... because of course, you feel entirely justified and firmly believe any man would feel exactly the same -

 

Then when they unanimously agree with the fact that what you're doing is actually twisted, self-defeating and unproductive - they're liars.

 

Careful how you treat long-time members here. Because more and more of them - care less and less about you.

 

I'm beginning to have some sympathy for this girl, if this is how you are. We only have your word for it that she is this way....

 

at best, you've painted her in a far worse manner than she deserves - at worst, you're actually a good match by the sound of it...

 

You're becoming less and less credible....

Remember she is your son's mother.... his character is not going to be yours alone, she will be a hefty influence on his inbuilt personality....

 

Anyway, it isn't just the sick acts she carried out, its also all the things i have been denied & everything i missed out on that adds to my hatred of her.

 

Well that's your problem.

YOU are adding it, she isn't.

You've decided that you're going to hate her no matter what, so the crap's on you.

 

Whatever happens to her, doesn't absolve you from being the complete jerk you're presenting yourself to be...

[Mint Sauce]

Another way of looking at it (from a guy's perspective):

 

I fully understand the blinding hatred you sense. But her acts are so unworldly psychopathic, that there's only one thing you could do to really obtain justice, and you couldn't do that without putting it against your own head afterwards, and hence your kid looses everything. Obviously you don't want to go there.

 

But realize that anything less of the type "revenge" is still not going to give you the satisfaction of compensation of your loss.

 

Conclusion: the only real option you have is to fight for custody, be a good father, have a good life knowing that this bitch's part in it is contained to the bare necessary minimum. Beyond that, the regular course of life will make her suffer, there's no way she can live happily ever after with such a personality. And when she comes crashing down, you'll be there for your kid.

[seany25]

Sorry I can't reply directly to your post, but one observation I would make is that deciding to have a child after knowing someone for only two months is likely to be fraught with difficulties. She may be deriving some pleasure from your suffering but my advice to you would be to set it aside, it's her pain not yours. Concentrate on being a good and inspirational father to your son.

 

We did get very close, very quickly. We never actually tried for a baby, but she fell pregnant, & found out 5 months later.

 

Although my own situation isn't similar to yours, I was married for over 20 years, my wife had an affair and left me for the other man, I harboured all kinds of grievances towards him/them as he moved into the family home and effectively took over my life..I became liberated the day I could look him in the eye, shake his hand thereby claiming the moral high ground, believe me it's the most powerful tool you have at your disposal.

 

Maybe. I'll try.

[seany25]

because of course, you feel entirely justified and firmly believe any man would feel exactly the same -

 

Then when they unanimously agree with the fact that what you're doing is actually twisted, self-defeating and unproductive - they're liars.

 

Ok i stand corrected. I contradicted myself in thinking that all guys would be angry at the woman carrying their baby screwing around & i was wrong. Just because i feel hard done by doesn't mean everyone will.

 

Careful how you treat long-time members here. Because more and more of them - care less and less about you.

 

I dont mean to p.ss people off so i am sorry if i have.

 

I'm beginning to have some sympathy for this girl, if this is how you are. We only have your word for it that she is this way....

 

at best, you've painted her in a far worse manner than she deserves - at worst, you're actually a good match by the sound of it...

 

The reality is that she is all the things I've said & then some. I would also say she is a brilliant mother to our son & loves & cares for him very much...but her "brilliance" as a mother is overshadowed by the fact she keeps father & son from having a relationship. Its contradictory to HER credibility.

 

 

Well that's your problem.

YOU are adding it, she isn't.

You've decided that you're going to hate her no matter what, so the crap's on you.

 

Whatever happens to her, doesn't absolve you from being the complete jerk you're presenting yourself to be...

 

I am not a jerk. I have a professional career just starting out, an interview yesterday sealed the deal.

 

I have moved away to the city as a way of escaping the painful memories, which has helped me a lot.

 

I will be a major success & i wont need to rub her face in it. She will see me soon in the local papers as i am working an anti drug project for the town i moved away from, & i will be getting press coverage. She will eat her words of accusation that i am a waste of space drug addict.

 

I may even be on television sometime in the future, because i have big plans for my anti drug campaign, & i intend to take it nationwide.

 

I have a lot going on in my life, & a lot of really positive things coming my way, & not just positive for ME, i will bring joy into peoples lives by helping them to get from where I've been to where I'm at now. I will educate children about the dangers of drugs & how they can ruin your life. Hell, one day i will most likely be in my sons school teaching him & his classmates about drug dangers.

 

It is just these past events & actions that haunt me. I would love to erase them from my memory, but where do i begin? Is that possible? If not, how do i start leading a pain free life not caring what she did?

Edited August 31, 2012 by seany25

[seany25]

Another way of looking at it (from a guy's perspective):

 

I fully understand the blinding hatred you sense. But her acts are so unworldly psychopathic, that there's only one thing you could do to really obtain justice, and you couldn't do that without putting it against your own head afterwards, and hence your kid looses everything. Obviously you don't want to go there.

 

Obviously i've felt like this, & obviously it would give me great satisfaction. But then after a while i'd realize im stuck in jail for 20, & my son has no real parents. So as much as i fantasise about it, i wont do it...im glad i've moved away.

 

But realize that anything less of the type "revenge" is still not going to give you the satisfaction ofcompensation of your loss.

 

I suppose so. Maybe this is true.

 

Conclusion: the only real option you have is to fight for custody, be a good father, have a good life knowing that this bitch's part in it is contained to the bare necessary minimum. Beyond that, the regular course of life will make her suffer, there's no way she can live happily ever after with such a personality. And when she comes crashing down, you'll be there for your kid.

 

I'll always be there for him.

[seany25]

If it was just a legal battle for custody and not her trying to get you in jail, for domestic violence, or something else... then don't worry about it. It's that simple.

 

You want to know my real opinion, though?

I think DNA in a child is a shared enterprise, whereby each party has an equal right to the child, because the resources put in to build the project came from a joint partnership. As such, each party has no right to sue each other for possession of the child. That's my scientific view on it, but alas, the justice system seems to ignore things like science unless the district attorney is using it.

 

Yeah, it sucks. Yes, there are a lot of hedonistic *******s like your ex who keep getting things handed to them, because they trade their "personal services" in an economy where that is valuable, in an economy where loving to be a slut is a valuable thing.

 

But you've already spaced yourself from her. And you could only hope to truly be a good father so the child eventually sides with you. Because if the mom really is a bitch, the kid will start recognizing it rather be with you by age 8 or 12 or teens. Definitely by the teens you could take advantage, because they'll hate who they're with for one reason or another. Lots of psychology involved, but as long as you're doing good for the kid, hey, no bad done.

 

Revenge in a situation like this doesn't seem right.

Yes, I think it's fair to say you're pissed at the legal system for siding with a whore. I think it's fair to say you're pissed at your ex for getting it so good with the legal system.

 

As much as I'm for killing judges and other *******s who claim they support the public good, I think you should grin and bear it on this one. Unless you're willing to sacrifice your life for what you believe in (most people are not like me: I'm enlightened), revenge is not an option for you here. And since you now have a child to take care of, I don't suggest you go about throwing away your life.

 

Start using a condom, man.

 

Thats why i moved away, before i finally cracked & done something that i wouldnt nessesssarily regret, but it WOULD ensure i had effectively thrown my life away.

 

But moving away has also benefit me. My career will progress massively now. The girls in this city are amazing, i am never bored, & life is good.

 

Her ways will be her undoing in the end. I will have the last laugh.

[seany25]

If you wanted revenge, I wonder how practical it would be for you to just inject her with an LD50 of a drug, such as heroin or better yet, meth. Put in some copper, and copper poisoning would occur. She was dating you, and you were a druggie. Police could put 1 and 1 together and consider she was doing drugs, too, and maybe you were helping her in the process. You could spin it like that. But you would have to use an anesthetic on her, which there are massively powerful ones these days if you know what to look into. I think some were used by Russian terrorists in the past decade to capture like 100 people in a building. There's an antidote, though.

 

You'd have to carefully plan all of it. Be extremely methodical. And the anesthetic option means you hold her captive until she can heal, which can lead to there being geographical skin marks of restraint, unless you KO her with a hard drug, perhaps an opoid, before restraint. So, yeah, revenge is totally possible.

 

But then there is no mother for the child. And you got to take care of the kid all by yourself.

And if you're not that kind of person, I bet you would break down and feel guilt about it all.

I would bet money that you're not a natural born killer resisting the urge all your life.

 

Imagine having done that to the mother and taking care of the child for the rest of its life.

Living with a lie like that? You'd have to be one hard dude.

 

Thanks for the detailed & descriptive revenge method, but i was thinking more like torture lol

 

Even if i did want to do that, we are never even in the same company, never mind being alone together.

 

I think i am scared to be alone with her, in case i do something really drastic, i think she knows this too, & not cos i am a nutter or anything, simply cos of the things she has done, she must realize there could be serious consequences for her actions, & that the things she done could well mean repercussions.

 

However, doing that would make my pain worse, by being locked up for 20 years, so f*ck that.

 

I may just sit back & wait for her to ruin her own life.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Any thoughts on me telling my son?

 

DO NOT DO IT. Your relationship is one thing, but his is quite another; that is his Mom, no matter how you slice it. He will always love her and have a loyalty. You poisoning his head against her only makes YOU look bad. He will be hurt and confused. Let him have his relationship with her and keep that separate from yours. You owe that to him. You would only be hurting and upsetting him; it's not fair to him. Let that one be.

[seany25]

DO NOT DO IT. Your relationship is one thing, but his is quite another; that is his Mom, no matter how you slice it. He will always love her and have a loyalty. You poisoning his head against her only makes YOU look bad. He will be hurt and confused. Let him have his relationship with her and keep that separate from yours. You owe that to him. You would only be hurting and upsetting him; it's not fair to him. Let that one be.

 

I know it would hurt him, & that is not what i want.

 

She is the poisonous one, not me. I had a moment last night where i was like "i dont wish her dead what the hell am i thinking"

 

Its just that she has hurt me more than i ever knew was possible, & i absolutely hate her guts for it.

 

I seen her on twitter & there is a beautiful picture of her & my son on it, & i just thought what a terrible shame it all is, we could have been such an amazing little family. There is too much water under the bridge for there to ever be a reconciliation though. I did ask her at the beginning of the year to consider giving us a go, but she refused because she was seeing someone. Now i would never have her back, its difficult enough trying to live with everything she has done, never mind actually live WITH her.

 

Im gunna move on & be really successful & very happy without her, & i cant wait until the day she regrets it all.

[TaraMaiden]

I am not a jerk. I have a professional career just starting out, an interview yesterday sealed the deal.

First of all, I don't equate what people do, with what they're like. I think several successful people (Katie Price, Paris Hilton, Mel Gibson) are all jerks.

 

I have moved away to the city as a way of escaping the painful memories, which has helped me a lot.

That's a blessing....

 

I will be a major success & i wont need to rub her face in it. She will see me soon in the local papers as i am working an anti drug project for the town i moved away from, & i will be getting press coverage. She will eat her words of accusation that i am a waste of space drug addict.

 

I may even be on television sometime in the future, because i have big plans for my anti drug campaign, & i intend to take it nationwide.

 

I have a lot going on in my life, & a lot of really positive things coming my way, & not just positive for ME, i will bring joy into peoples lives by helping them to get from where I've been to where I'm at now. I will educate children about the dangers of drugs & how they can ruin your life. Hell, one day i will most likely be in my sons school teaching him & his classmates about drug dangers.

This.

This is what I - and several others - have been trying to tell you.

THIS - is true, honest-to-goodness pure, revenge.

to Live Well.

It's harmless in the sense that there is no malicious intention, no direct nastiness, no pointed jab or barb.

it's you - doing the best you can, to be the best you can be, doing the best for others....

How great a way to live, is that - ?!

 

It is just these past events & actions that haunt me. I would love to erase them from my memory, but where do i begin? Is that possible? If not, how do i start leading a pain free life not caring what she did?

I kid you not, try meditation.

it's not religious, it's not spiritual, it's not anything connected to any doctrine or creed.

it's mental discipline.

 

It's sitting calmly, in silence, with nothing but you and your breathing, as companions.

You don't have to adopt any specific position (Forget all this 'Full-Lotus' business!) and literally, you sit, calmly, breathe deeply and try to not focus on any specific thought sequence.

 

When you are conscious of a thought popping into your head, just think "Oh, that's *thought subject*... (could be anger, could be resentment, could be curiosity, could be sadness, could be joy, could be anything.... just give it its descriptive label, and let it go... clear your mind, and keep breathing.

Relax.

 

do some research on Meditation.

it's possibly one of the greatest gifts you could ever give yourself, and I'm absolutely deadly, seriously earnest, when I say that.

 

Improve your Mind-set, and you give so much more of your better self, you could honestly believe imaginable.

[seany25]

I have gotten a reference for court from a local reverend i met at a public meeting against drugs. He explains how good a person i am & that i am determined to use my past to help others, & that he strongly supports my desire to have a relationship with my son.

 

Anyways, included with the reference he also posted a short prayer:

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

 

 

 

Now, im not the most religious guy either, but i intend to say this prayer a lot.

 

Maybe it will help me.

[TaraMaiden]

I have gotten a reference for court from a local reverend i met at a public meeting against drugs. He explains how good a person i am & that i am determined to use my past to help others, & that he strongly supports my desire to have a relationship with my son.

 

Anyways, included with the reference he also posted a short prayer:

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that i may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

 

 

 

Now, im not the most religious guy either, but i intend to say this prayer a lot.

 

Maybe it will help me.

 

This is the Prayer of St Francis.

It's been turned into a Hymn....

 

Here it's sung by Sinead O'Connor....(Other versions are also available....)

 

"Make me a Channel of your Peace."

[joystickd]

If you do anything to spite her youre not getting revenge, she's getting satisfaction knowing she got under your skin. As others have said, being happy and not giving a sh*t what she's done is the best revenge.

 

If I were in your shoes I'd be the bigger man and raise your child better than she does. Granted you get some sort of custody. Either way all her sh*t will come out in the wash. If your ex is a b*tch now she'll probably be a b*tch later, at that point your child will know who the better parent is.

 

Don't be a dead beat dad. Fight for your child, but don't fight with your ex.

 

Chances are you're too emotionally enraged right now to listen to us, but seriously dude, don't go down that road.

 

I can't imagine what it'd be like to only see my son the amount you saw yours. I'm grateful I have 50/50 custody. I used to be one mother f*ckin angry dude and I could've easily went down the road you're wanting to. I chose the higher road(I'm in counseling for my anger) and I can tell you I feel way better about myself.

 

Stooping is for losers man.

 

Seriously, f*ck her and get on with getting your child. Don't let this ex of yours turn you into something evil. Don't give her that power/satisfaction!

 

Man I hope you choose wisely....

 

Good luck man.

I went through an experience where someone I was in love with betrayed me and hurt me. She did me wrong and then set out to make me look crazy. She attempted to talk to every woman I was dating or ask for their number. She said I dented her car. Intentionally said things to get me angry then pretend I was the one that started it. Purposely told me about people she had sex with or thought about having sex with. I was eventually beyond angry. People told me to try counseling. I got angry from counseling. One day a friend of mine talked with me and said moving on and being successful in your own life is the best revenge. People like this do things to get to you and when you not let it get to you and focus on making a life for yourself ad being successful in what you do it pisses them off because you quit playing the drama game with them.

[seany25]

I put a lot of s*** in the past, swallowed my pride & moved on from crap for the sake of seeing my kid. I dropped the court case last month after we agreed to work it out between ourselves.

 

Since then i have been seeing my boy every fortnight, i would see him every week if i could afford it, but i live in Belfast now & don't currently have enough money to. The first two times was in a contact center, then the last time was at my mums, which was the first time me & my ex had met in almost six months.

 

We have been getting on great for the past month, we have arguments & fallouts literally every day, but a few hours later i will cut the thread & we are cool again.

 

Its even got to the stage where we are flirting with each other, & she has shown interest in me, for example when i mentioned that i cant bring anyone back to the hostel im currently in she said hurry up & get your own place so i could bring HER back to it...last week i joked that we should have a drink together & she agreed, & we both know where this would lead...& only yesterday we were agruing & i said shut up you milf, she called me a dilf. My point here is, we were/are a cert to hook up again at some stage, at most just for sex cos from my personal perspective i don't think i could be with her permanently after everything she has done.

 

But last night we were chatting on Whatsapp, its going good as usual, then i ask her what happened between her & the guy she was with. It went like this:

 

***** is my sons name

 

 

 

Me: What happened you & yer boy finished?

 

Her: ***** was too much for him

 

Me: Excuse me?

 

Me: The fact you had a child or actual looking after a baby?

 

Her: Yeah, he didn't want to be involved with someone with a child

 

Me: So what, he used you till he got fed up then had a cracking excuse to leave?

 

Her: I dunno just got fed up with always having to share a bed with me & ***** etc

 

Me: Omfg!

 

Her: What?

 

Me: Wtf do you think?

 

Me: Take a wild guess

 

Me: "I dunno just got fed up with always having to share a bed with me & ***** etc"

 

Her: Why u always think the worst fs???? ***** obv beside me & him on the other side! Wise the f*** up! The lad was a family friend for years..u always know how to f*** things up when were actually getting on! Don't bother textin me back!!

 

Me: I am talking about the simple fact that i'm not welcome near your house, yet this other guy is playing happy families & having barbecues etc, not only that but he is staying in your house & he is sleeping with you while my boy is beside yous!

 

Me: Do you think i am gunna be like "yeah, thats cool"

 

Her: Don't be so jealous..if he was an alcoholic ex druggie he wouldn't have been allowed near my house either pet

 

Her: And now i'm deleting you off whatsapp! cbf trying with you no more

 

Her: If you need me you can text

 

Me: f***ing hell

 

Me: Can't believe it. Ttyl

 

Her: Whatever!

 

Her: I'm his f***ing mother! i've been ther thru it all! I had him in my belly for 9 months! Gave birth to him! I think i know what the f***s safe for him & whats not! And right now your acting like a f***ing mental patient yet once again! Which makes me think your not fit to see him again!!! Think about it! And grow the f*** up!!! Or hold on till i go find a bf after 2secs, take him into my bed and leave ***** in there with him! U f***ing dick! Angers me that there! We can on for so long till u f***ing ruin it again as usual!

 

Me: My child in bed with his mother & some other guy. From the real fathers perspective that is not nice. Ask any guy who has a child how they would feel, you should get the same answer off everyone unless they are telling you what you want to hear.

 

Her: Any normal father would be that guy! Not f***ing insane people that seriously need medicated! But whatever you think dearest your the one missing out and youl be missing out more if you keep goin on like you are actually someone

 

Her: And i don't want no big "i'm so important" speeches back thanks!!!

 

Her: See you about

 

Me: I didn't ruin nothin, you dropped a bomb when you said that

 

Her: I could drop worse pet

 

Me: What?

 

Her Goodnight!

 

Me: Sweet dreams

 

 

 

This knocked me for six. Despite me putting the past behind me & doing well to move on, i find out some guy had been sleeping in the same bed as my ex AND my son. They live in her mothers house.

 

What would you do in this situation? It would be nice to get an answer from someone who has a kid, parents will relate to this more i think.

 

I dont know what to do, i'm really f***ing hurt & angry again, i could try to pretend i don't care blah blah blah, but i am fantasizing about breaking every bone in this guys body with a baseball bat. Maybe even one with nails in. Our paths should cross someday, & he is gunna regret even being alive to suffer the beating i will give him.

 

I have lots to keep me occupied etc & i'm working on a few anti-drug projects & stuff, so i can keep busy so that i don't fly into a rage thinking about it. I even tried meditation this morning, just 10 minutes sitting in the library, after about 6 minutes i burst out laughing at how relaxed i was getting, i saw the possibilities of meditating.

 

I might try to just forget it, for now, & just be satisfied that i will repay that guy on the day that me & that guy meet.

 

Anyone able to tell me i am overreacting here?

Edited November 8, 2012 by seany25

[seany25]

First, sorry for quite a long post, but it has been over 2 years..

 

I didn't really know why I came here. I was worried about reading the thread but I just decided to read the entire thread again, which was something I wanted to do for ages in the hope that I could read it without feeling any emotion...I failed. I was reminded of a lot of things & reasons why I hated her etc.

 

However, I was ALSO reminded of some of the things I said back then. And my jaw literally dropped on some occasions!

 

I realised just how dark a place I was back then that I would say I wanted my child's mother to die, to kill herself, to suffer etc etc. This thread was a stream of utter contempt & obscenities from me.

 

Thankfully I don't feel that way anymore, & I do not want her to die or any of that crazy s*** I was saying. But I'm sure you understand I was suffering a great deal at the time & all the things I said came from a place of pain.

 

I see my boy in a contact centre & have done for about a year. Before that it was in her sisters house & then one day the sister asked me not to return to her house. Her sister was already annoyed with me because it was Father's Day weekend 2013 & she had texted me to ask me to stop bringing up the past as it's just that, in the past. I told her it was easy for them to say & asked her was she sure of why I was so angry. Then I went on to list all the things I was p****d off about, which she tried to excuse some of, & even went on to inadvertently inform me of something I never knew about, that one of the guys I am angry with, & I quote "she then went on to have a relationship with a long term friend who was there for her throughout her difficult pregnancy. You should be happy she had someone there"

 

(my last post on this thread is about him although at the time i wasn't 100% sure how much he was involved. In fact I'm still not 100% & can only assume the worst - that he was at the birth & christening etc)

 

Haha really? I'm supposed to be happy about that?

 

Then I told her that she had just confirmed something I had already suspected, that she was with that other guy during the pregnancy, that maybe he was even at the birth of my son etc? Basically expressing my total disgust & how livid I was about everything that was done. This was the same guy who shared a bed with her & my son, who after a few months p****d off because he "couldn't handle it" & "got fed up sharing a bed with her & him"..... So the way I see it is, he got to experience the pregnancy of MY child & experienced MY child coming into the world, then p****d off because it didn't suit him. He got to experience all the things that were important to me, that were mine. I hold nothing but complete & utter contempt for him.

 

 

I will never ever get the chance to experience my first born child coming into the world. That is gone, never to be got back. I don't have one happy memory from it all except for seeing my child for the first time 6/7 weeks after he was born. If I ever have another kid with a decent woman, I will be thinking back to what I missed out on the first time. It just probably won't be the same.

 

We went to the contact centre then, & I make a 100+ mile round trip every fortnight to see him for 2 hours. She recently told me I could come out to her house instead, if I could make my way out there. The thing is I can't really, she lives way out in the country & after travelling the first 40 miles I would have to find my way 20 miles further but I can't afford taxis & don't have a regular, reliable lift I can organise.

 

A few times I suggested I do something else with him, but she's just like NO. I asked her yesterday if I could take him to the cinema on 2 of the Saturdays in January since I won't make it to the contact centre in time. No. She will only allow either the contact centre or his home until she feels comfortable to even think about anything else (I have seen criminals get better treatment & access by their kids mother).

 

Earlier this year I applied for court stuff. Parental responsibility & my name on the birth certificate. Long story short the judge went from acknowledging that a child needs a father to taking a dislike for me. This was after he got presented with printouts of things I'd said on Twitter & Facebook (and some of you here had told me to be careful about this haha!) & he threw out my application stating that we continue the contact centre arrangement (there is no court order) until I'd had some form of professional help or something.

 

I immediately loged an appeal as I had a very good reply & defence to all the crap. Then after a day or 2 I just thought "do I want or need this stress & pain to continue?" I realised I didn't want to drag it out anymore & withdrew the application.

 

I effectively surrendered.

 

It wasn't only for myself but for all of us, me, my son, & his mum. If she is going back & forth to court she loses money at work & also has to pay, which means my son is affected too. So that reason coupled with my own peace enabled me to concede.

 

I then arranged some counselling to try & finally get rid of any anger & pain I still carried, because i did. It would pop up every few weeks. I did a ritualistic thing where I wrote down a list of all the things I didn't like that happened & all the wrongs I believe she committed against me, & cycled to the edge of the city at the docks, set fire to the list & watched it burn as I looked out to sea. That's not the only thing, I meditate & was using affirmations for a while, but the deep meditations I do are best. However, not fully cured from my pain & not long after I realised it was still there & that's when I tried the 6 counselling sessions.

 

I promised her I was going to let it all go. I admitted that I still felt down about it sometimes but that it was my problem & she would never again get s*** off me about it. I did really well, but I have a couple of times referred back to things from the past, which she hates me doing.

 

I often tell her what an amazing mummy she is (which she is) & I do give her credit (I'm thinking "great mummy but you've been a horrible person to me"). I give her money. Went split Xmas costs etc plus I gave her a lump sum as well to help over Xmas.

 

As it is now I see him every fortnight at the contact centre. Yes I have been told by her I can have more time if I am able to make it once a week, & even out to her house, but right now I just can't afford that.

 

Did the counselling work? No. I still get mad at the past. It gets reignited when she says something to annoy me like last night when she said I couldn't take my own son to the cinema, I'm reminded of all the reasons she's been horrible to me, to put it mildly.

 

Other times it just happens when I think about all of it myself. Which is often, but at least every other week it gets to me really bad where I'll think of everything she did, feel my blood boil, become enraged, hope & wish all the men she was involved with while she was pregnant are savagely decapitated & castrated, then 20 minutes later Ive cooled down & I'm ok again. Or I'll have a few rounds on the punchbag to release it.

 

(There are 11 men I know of who she was or very likely was with sexually when she was pregnant. They're obviously the people I wish decapitation on)

 

It would be nice for the pain & bitterness to be permanently gone but the sad thing is I think I've had to accept that I'm going to get angry every now & again & that's just the way it is for me. It's one thing practicing forgiveness towards the person responsible for all the pain & wishing them well, but another to think about forgiving the men involved. I can never see me wishing them well, or hoping good things happen for them, in fact I only wish wretchedness on them. It's disturbing that it's 3 & a half years later & I'm still hurting so much, looks like in 10 years I'll STILL probably be.

 

To be honest, I think it's fair to say that ALL of it boils down to what happened in 2011 & during & after the pregnancy. It scarred me so deeply. Over 3 years on & I'm still hurting. In that time some of the men I'm angry with are all happy familes with their new girls & getting married & having babies, & I'm stewing in envy & bitterness hoping they all die? It's not exactly fair that they get to do what they done in 2011 & then go on to live their life without consequence. If there is such a thing as karma I hope it gets them.

 

Technically, some of the men I'm talking about could be given a pass since it was before my ex knew she was pregnant. However that gives me no comfort whatsoever & I still despise them.

 

The past has a hold on me. For the new year I will try, once again, to let it go.