Hatred & revenge.

[seany25]

You need therapy to help you overcome this anger.

 

I have enough going on in my life/career to keep me occupied, i can self meditate.

 

I have to tell you, as a parent myself, you MUST find a way to never badmouth or in any way denigrate the other parent to your child.

 

When you put down your son's mother to him? Psychologically your son internalizes that as you putting HIM down. You're doing psychological damage to your son anytime you say anything negative about his mother.

 

Find ways to vent or get help -- but NEVER let your son hear you talk about his mother that way.

 

I wouldn't do that, i would hate to come across as petty, i am better than that. I would prefer for her to be the maker of her own demise. I hope karma exists.

 

If you love your son --- and I know you do -- you will find a way to make peace with his mother and at least APPEAR to be on friendly terms with her, her family and friends. Unfortunately your feelings will always have to be secondary now -- this is about HIM and what's in his best interests..... not what feels the most satisfying to you in the moment.

 

Maybe in time i can mediate with her regardless of my complete & utter revulsion of her & everyone around her. I realise i would be being the bigger person, but it will take a monumental degree of strength to not show my animosity. I will work on this.

[seany25]

Well it is her life and her body, however, you can transmit STDs to the baby.. that's quite irresponsible. Judging by your post, she probably wasn't using condoms, so I can see why it would make you mad.

 

I told you ive heard that before, it makes no difference to the fact she is a disgusting human being. Slag.

 

The best "revenge" is to be successful and limit contact with her. And from now on, wear a condom.

 

I am going to be a major success.

[seany25]

What a depressing scenario. She sounds like Tralala from Last Exit to Brooklyn. Do you have actual evidence of this, or is it just hearsay from people who may not be prepared to back their gossip up with witness statements?

 

I was in my friends house 2 weeks after she told me she was pregnant. I had seen her sitting in town in her car shortly before as me & my friend drove around. I called her & asked when we could meet to talk things over, she was aggressive on the phone & cut me off. A little later i looked the window & in the direction of a pub/club 200 yards away. I could see her car & my instinct told me something big was happening.

 

When i left my friends house, i was walking up the hill towards where i live, & i heard my ex shout "w*nker up at me, & i heard a man say "well we have nothing to worry about now" sarcastically.

 

I could have & probably should have went down, but to do what?? She was gunna do what ever she was gunna do anyway, she was just making sure i was aware of it.

 

Later that night, i was in my flat & was looking out my window for a while. A car pulled up a fwew hundred yards away. It was sitting there for a while, & then i heard my ex shout "DO YOU SEE, I'M GETTING YOU BACK"

 

This grand gesture was her blatantly telling me that this was a free for all. Ask any male if they would be ok with the lady carrying their baby done this to them & i assure you the answer will be a resounding no.

 

On other times she would come into the car park my flat overlooked, with whoever she decided to be with that night, just to provoke me & show me that she was doing as she pleased, but it was mostly just to hurt me, she has sure done that.

 

One night, outside the casino i could see from my flat, there was about 50 men standing around outside, every minute or so someone would shout my ex's name loud & sarcastically so that i could hear. These were clearly the men or some of the men form the nigh/nights behind the pub, for all i know hse was probably in the casino servicing everyone..... This was another big gesture, aimed at showing me how powerless i was to do anything about her behavior.

 

All this was done while she was carrying my baby, she has seriously damaged me mentally, i am scarred for life. How the hell is one supposed to forgive & forget all this?? Its impossible.

 

 

All I can say is that if you remain set on revenge, then I wouldn't want to be the solicitor you're seeing...because I'm afraid that your current perception of this, however justified you feel it is, would make me wonder how I was ever going to portray you as a good, responsible parent to a court. Particularly if there were a strong likelihood on you following through with any of these threats.

 

The most likely scenario I can see would be that social services would get involved and report back to the court that neither of you were terribly ideal parents. I realise you're angry about this, but the more inclined you are to act on that anger the less likely it is that you will be successful in any court action.

 

Before you see your solicitor, write down a list of these matters so he or she is fully informed of the ways in which she's been an unfit parent. Do you have evidence of the gang bang scenario? Evidence might include people who witnessed it who would be prepared to make statements about it.

 

She sounds extremely dysfunctional, and frankly I'm surprised social services aren't already involved. However, from what you've described of your own behaviour it doesn't sound as though court proceedings would go too well for you.

 

My solicitor is already on to it, & the ball is rolling. I have a lot of credibility for my work against drugs & have got a few character refernces from upstanding people in society. All the s*it she will kick up in court are things i can counter - for example, when she says i am a drug addict i can prove her wrong by doing a blood test.

 

The likelihood is that she'll be taking screenshots of things you've said on Facebook... and since you're confident that she'll know the message is for her, and hope that she's afraid, it seems likely that a court would see your Facebook comments as threats. Which will do you no good.

 

Everything is worded in a non incriminating way, without any names. It would be almost comical to bring them up, even if she did, they will not stand up. They are not actual "threats" they are more for her to get the message that i am very pissed off, & that i wont soon forget her for it.

 

If you don't get some sort of control over your anger and vengefulness here (and it sounds like anybody trying to help you do that would have their work cut out) then the chances of you ever convincing a court that you should have contact with your son sound minimal. The fact that you feel intensely provoked will cut no ice with a court....so you'd better disabuse yourself very quickly of the notion that being angry entitles you to embark on a vengeful path.

 

Your son's welfare should be your top priority. Who, with a child's welfare uppermost in their mind, would be looking forward to telling that child "your mother let herself be gangbanged behind a pub while she was pregnant with you"? What possible benefit could be served to the child by hearing that? It sounds like you've got a long way to go before you'd approach the parenting role in a responsible "the child's welfare before my need for vengeance and spleen-venting" way.

 

My sons welfare is my top priority.

 

Getting some kind of revenge is still a priority though, even if its just letting karma come around on her.

 

The only benefit of telling him what she did would be for her to be deeply ashamed & embarrassed that her son knows what she did while she was carrying him in her belly, & for what reasons she did it.

 

I may send her dad a nice letter too.

 

Everyone says revenge is not the way forward, but i firmly believe it will satisfy me to some extent that she is exposed for the disgusting slag that she is. Whether that is right or wrong thats how i feel.

[Mike_d]

act classy, be classy

 

dealing with revenge and jealousy only hurts you, some say its like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. you need to work on letting what has happened go, hurting more people doesn't get you anywhere

 

you can "feel" however you want to. but acting on that to hurt others doesn't serve you and in most cases hurts you. Maybe take a second and consider that "everyone else says revenge is not the way forward" yet only you think it is. ponder that for a few...

 

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - MayoClinic.com

[Taramere]

Everyone says revenge is not the way forward, but i firmly believe it will satisfy me to some extent that she is exposed for the disgusting slag that she is. Whether that is right or wrong thats how i feel.

 

The fastest way to self destruction is to always act in accordance with your feelings, rather than letting your head guide you. Consider this. You had a drug addiction. It's absolutely commendable that you have tackled that successfully and come off drugs...but what do you suppose led you down that path in the first place? Logic or emotion?

 

How much did going down that path end up costing you financially, emotionally and in terms of lost time that you'll never get back? A lot, I bet.

 

You've kicked the drug habit, and that's great....but it sounds like you might not have kicked some of the thinking habits that led you down that road in the first place.

 

Next time you fantasise about inflicting revenge go a step further. Imagine the consequences. Imagine your son aged 14, tortured by images of his mother being gangbanged in a car while she was pregnant with him. Imagine him accepting that first offer of heroin as a way to escape the pain.

 

Imagine him at age 20, screaming in your face that the relentless hatred between you and his mother ruined his life. Imagine him at age 25 beginning to repeat the same pattern with a woman just like his mother because even though he hates what she did, some part of him feels compelled to "fix her" by getting involved with a woman just like her. Imagine him at age 30, beginning to go through exactly the same thing with his own son.

 

You're saying you're thinking about your son...well really think about him. Do you really want his life to be consumed with all the hatred and bitterness that revenge stems from...and that it fuels more of? The best you can do for your son is to bring a bit of functionality, maturity and consistency into his life....rather than wasting your energy with thoughts of revenge against a woman who will almost certainly dig her own grave.

 

I understand you feel it's impossible to forgive. I don't see why you would need to forgive her. I don't believe in forgiveness for people who don't deserve it either. Trying to forgive, or pretending to forgive, when you just don't is wasted effort...but so is revenge. I really think you must get some counselling to manage these feelings, because acting on them is not going to help you or your son.

Edited August 29, 2012 by Taramere

[Mike_d]

forgiveness is for yourself, what the other person does is still despicable and in no way are they off the hook. but you need to purge that anger before you do self harm in some way, Tamamere is pretty on target above ^

[seany25]

act classy, be classy

 

dealing with revenge and jealousy only hurts you, some say its like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. you need to work on letting what has happened go, hurting more people doesn't get you anywhere

 

you can "feel" however you want to. but acting on that to hurt others doesn't serve you and in most cases hurts you. Maybe take a second and consider that "everyone else says revenge is not the way forward" yet only you think it is. ponder that for a few...

 

Again, if you were in my shoes, & this had happened to you, you would understand how tough it is, & how it isn't something you can let go of, as opposed to say, if she had cheated on me, which would have been nothing in comparison.

 

Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness - MayoClinic.com

 

Thanks for the link. Kind of interesting & truthful about how moving on & forgiving benefits your health & wellbeing - which I really need - but I am pretty far from forgiveness towards this girl. Right now, I don't ever want to forgive her.

[Mike_d]

Thanks for the link. Kind of interesting & truthful about how moving on & forgiving benefits your health & wellbeing - which I really need - but I am pretty far from forgiveness towards this girl. Right now, I don't ever want to forgive her.

 

glad it helped somehow.

[Mike_d]

oh, and I've been in your shoes, 4 times, same woman. borderline ex wife, lied in court about income, I paid for the equiv of a small used toyota each month in support, told me how she could bang whoever she wanted to after she used the child support to take her boyfriend on a vacation that she paid for with the money I paid for my kids, and rubbed in my face the fact that I couldnt do anything about it, my kids never saw a dime. horrible person, horrible mother, total slut. I thought about killing her but there was no way I'd do time because of her. I've never forgiven her and I never ever will, but I forgave myself for the things that I couldnt have known about, much of that wasnt my fault, and I've owned up to what was. I was the best dad I could be while my kids were growing up in that ultra toxic family life at the time. I'm a very successful person now, and other than my current situation I'm very happy and grateful daily, excellent health despite years and years of stress, and I'm in awesome physical shape for being in my mid 50's, I outperform many 30 yr olds. she is still a sick twisted person with horrible health and a toxic life with no hopes for the future. I won the war, and lost a few battles along the way, so goes life.

[seany25]

The fastest way to self destruction is to always act in accordance with your feelings, rather than letting your head guide you. Consider this. You had a drug addiction. It's absolutely commendable that you have tackled that successfully and come off drugs...but what do you suppose led you down that path in the first place? Logic or emotion?

 

How much did going down that path end up costing you financially, emotionally and in terms of lost time that you'll never get back? A lot, I bet.

 

You've kicked the drug habit, and that's great....but it sounds like you might not have kicked some of the thinking habits that led you down that road in the first place.

 

When I started drugs, I was very young, & it was simply who I hung out with & easy access to drugs that kickstarted it all. My parents split up yes, but I don't believe that was to blame at all, I was destined to go down that route as I was a "streetwise" & "cool" kid. I never went as far as opiates, but was very heavily addicted to amphetamines - speed, ecstasy, cocaine, mephedrone, & all the "legal highs", plus some others I can't remember right now.

 

Having said that, I was able to hold down a full time job, my philosophy was to WORK HARD PLAY HARDER" & that's what I did. I also had a lot of fun during the early years of it all. Obviously, after so many years of chemically enhanced & altered states, the bad times begin to creep in, & for the next few years you are a paranoid skitzophrenic freak, & it's just a matter of time before you commit suicide, either accidentally or purposely. But I won, I gave it all up.

 

Next time you fantasise about inflicting revenge go a step further. Imagine the consequences. Imagine your son aged 14, tortured by images of his mother being gangbanged in a car while she was pregnant with him. Imagine him accepting that first offer of heroin as a way to escape the pain.

 

Imagine him at age 20, screaming in your face that the relentless hatred between you and his mother ruined his life. Imagine him at age 25 beginning to repeat the same pattern with a woman just like his mother because even though he hates what she did, some part of him feels compelled to "fix her" by getting involved with a woman just like her. Imagine him at age 30, beginning to go through exactly the same thing with his own son.

 

How is it all of a sudden MY fault what she has done?? I understand that technically it would be kind of down to me if I told him, but SHE is the one who could have killed him or miscarried him with her vile disgusting actions. She needs to be held accountable in some way for these actions.

 

You're saying you're thinking about your son...well really think about him. Do you really want his life to be consumed with all the hatred and bitterness that revenge stems from...and that it fuels more of? The best you can do for your son is to bring a bit of functionality, maturity and consistency into his life....rather than wasting your energy with thoughts of revenge against a woman who will almost certainly dig her own grave.

 

I love my son. But my son doesn't know me. There is no justification for her keeping him away from me. I have missed the first year of his life. I will never get that year back. There is no possibility of me ever forgiving her for any of the hundreds of wrongs she has committed. At this point in time, after everything she has done, I wouldn't be bothered if she did end up in a grave, literally.

 

I understand you feel it'mpossible to forgive. I don't see why you would need to forgive her. I don't believe in forgiveness for people who don't deserve it either. Trying to forgive, or pretending to forgive, when you just don't is wasted effort...but so is revenge. I really think you must get some counselling to manage these feelings, because acting on them is not going to help you or your son.

 

Maybe, I can sacrifice one revenge idea for another - if I decide not to tell my son, then I may tell her father via a detailed letter of her lovely exploits to balance it out. The reason? Well, obviously to sever her relationship with her father, or at least to hurt her AND him. I've never actually met him, but I also don't care if I annoy him by letting him know what his nice daughter got up to while pregnant. It will make him aware of what a diabolical scum he spawned.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, and he won't take kindly to that, he will see your communication for what it is, not take this kind of vitriol in the way you want, tell her, she will tell her solicitor and you, my dear, will have shot yourself nicely in the foot.

 

Way to go.

 

Because if anyone tried to suddenly shore a rift up between me and my daughter, my first instinct, having known her all her life, and a lot longer than you have, would be to see your communication in a very very poor light.

This won't hurt them.

It will hurt you.

[TaraMaiden]

Originally Posted by seany25

I wouldn't do that, i would hate to come across as petty, i am better than that. I would prefer for her to be the maker of her own demise. I hope karma exists.

 

Yes, Karma exists.

but as a practising Buddhist, I can tell you that karma - is not punitive, it's not retribution, it's not justice, it's not a kick up the ass.

Karma - is NOT Consequence.

 

Karma - Is Volitional, deliberate action.

 

Neither is it reserved purely and simply for someone 'out there' whom we perceive has done us wrong.

Karma - is everybody's property.

 

Everybody has karma, because everybody carries out deliberate actions.

I have karma, you have karma - it's a universal process.

 

Running over a cat by accident, a cat you had no idea was about to run across the road and get hit by your car - an unforeseen accident - is NOT karma.

 

Writing to someone's father to absolutely ruin, besmirch and destroy his daughter's character in an effort to wreak some kind of revenge = Karma.

 

YOUR karma.

Not hers.

Yours.

 

And as we point out, Karma is not (as most people think) being punished FOR your actions.

 

Karma - is being punished - BY them.

 

Think about that.

[Taramere]

Maybe, I can sacrifice one revenge idea for another - if I decide not to tell my son, then I may tell her father via a detailed letter of her lovely exploits to balance it out. The reason? Well, obviously to sever her relationship with her father, or at least to hurt her AND him. I've never actually met him, but I also don't care if I annoy him by letting him know what his nice daughter got up to while pregnant. It will make him aware of what a diabolical scum he spawned.

 

Writing to her family members is not a good idea. That could easily be construed as harassment and you could end up with an injunction against you. And worse. What if she were to sue you for defamation of character and, despite your current conviction that you can prove it all, when it came to convincing a court you failed to prove it? More trouble heaped up against you.

 

If you've told your solicitor everything that you're telling us, and he/she isn't dissuading you from the kind of action you're talking about taking, then your solicitor is a dud. No competent, professional solicitor would condone the kind of action you're talking about here.

 

Having said that, I was able to hold down a full time job, my philosophy was to WORK HARD PLAY HARDER" & that's what I did. I also had a lot of fun during the early years of it all. Obviously, after so many years of chemically enhanced & altered states, the bad times begin to creep in, & for the next few years you are a paranoid skitzophrenic freak, & it's just a matter of time before you commit suicide, either accidentally or purposely. But I won, I gave it all up.

 

Great. So you're a strong person who is capable of turning his mindset around and starting to make positive choices. You've proved already that you can do that. However, this situation is evidently leading you back down the road of dysfunctionality. You might not be taking drugs, but you're nonetheless in a frame of mind whereby the actions you take are likely to have long term negative repercussions for you....and you really would be well served by getting counselling to help you manage that.

 

How is it all of a sudden MY fault what she has done?? I understand that technically it would be kind of down to me if I told him, but SHE is the one who could have killed him or miscarried him with her vile disgusting actions. She needs to be held accountable in some way for these actions.

 

Her actions aren't your fault, but if you were to destroy your son - out of anger - by portraying this graphic picture of his mother as as a psychopathic whore who let 50 men bang her in a car outside a pub, then that will be on you.

 

I don't see how a person can behave as your ex did without being majorly dysfunctional. That level of dysfunction carries hefty penalties that, if she's not suffering from now, she will most certainly suffer from later on in life. It's inevitable. Why eat yourself up with thoughts of revenge against somebody who is already on a path of self destruction? It's pointless. You need to focus on making sure your own life is clean, functional and generally the ideal set up for bringing up a child. That's what will serve you best, and it's what will serve your son best.

 

I hear that you don't think you can abandon these thoughts of revenge, but if you want to reach the kind of goals I think you want to reach (a good life, a life that a court would see as providing a good enough environment for your son) then you must abandon them. If your solicitor isn't pushing you in that direction already, then I would urge you to switch solicitors. Somebody just making a lot of sympathetic faces and telling you whatever you want to hear isn't going to serve your interests very well in the long run.

[seany25]

Yes, and he won't take kindly to that, he will see your communication for what it is, not take this kind of vitriol in the way you want, tell her, she will tell her solicitor and you, my dear, will have shot yourself nicely in the foot.

 

Way to go.

 

Because if anyone tried to suddenly shore a rift up between me and my daughter, my first instinct, having known her all her life, and a lot longer than you have, would be to see your communication in a very very poor light.

This won't hurt them.

It will hurt you.

 

I would want him to tell her. I would want her to know her "daddy" - whom she has threatened me with - knows all about who & what she is. I am not afraid of him or anyone in her family. It would be after i aquired access too, whenever i have got legal rights in place that a well worded, unthreatening, unharrassing letter will not jeaprodise.

[seany25]

Yes, Karma exists.

but as a practising Buddhist, I can tell you that karma - is not punitive, it's not retribution, it's not justice, it's not a kick up the ass.

Karma - is NOT Consequence.

 

Karma - Is Volitional, deliberate action.

 

Neither is it reserved purely and simply for someone 'out there' whom we perceive has done us wrong.

Karma - is everybody's property.

 

Everybody has karma, because everybody carries out deliberate actions.

I have karma, you have karma - it's a universal process.

 

Running over a cat by accident, a cat you had no idea was about to run across the road and get hit by your car - an unforeseen accident - is NOT karma.

 

Writing to someone's father to absolutely ruin, besmirch and destroy his daughter's character in an effort to wreak some kind of revenge = Karma.

 

YOUR karma.

Not hers.

Yours.

 

And as we point out, Karma is not (as most people think) being punished FOR your actions.

 

Karma - is being punished - BY them.

 

Think about that.

 

The way you explain this makes so much sense & i totally understand where you are coming from.

 

If i fight fire with fire, i will be punished.

 

Whereas SHE has played with fire, & continues to, so she will get burned.

 

I like it.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

Make all the justifications and excuses you want.

Convince yourself everything you think say and do is righteous.

Well it may be - but the law doesn't take any of that into consideration.

 

It would be after i aquired access too, whenever i have got legal rights in place that a well worded, unthreatening, unharrassing letter will not jeaprodise.

 

Oh really?

 

You think that's untouchable, unalterable and set in stone??

 

Think again.

[seany25]

Writing to her family members is not a good idea. That could easily be construed as harassment and you could end up with an injunction against you. And worse. What if she were to sue you for defamation of character and, despite your current conviction that you can prove it all, when it came to convincing a court you failed to prove it? More trouble heaped up against you.

 

If you've told your solicitor everything that you're telling us, and he/she isn't dissuading you from the kind of action you're talking about taking, then your solicitor is a dud. No competent, professional solicitor would condone the kind of action you're talking about here.

 

It seems like a good idea to me. She will get a nasty shock of her life when she realises she has to face her dad & try to talk her way out of what ive just told him in his letter. Even better, i could get someone else to write on my behalf just to cover my tracks & have no worries of dna on the envelope or anything.

 

I have a good solicitor, & i have not told them of any revenge plans. Which i am pretty sure they try to would talk me out of.

 

Great. So you're a strong person who is capable of turning his mindset around and starting to make positive choices. You've proved already that you can do that. However, this situation is evidently leading you back down the road of dysfunctionality. You might not be taking drugs, but you're nonetheless in a frame of mind whereby the actions you take are likely to have long term negative repercussions for you....and you really would be well served by getting counselling to help you manage that.

 

Thank you. This also makes sense to me, that i have overcome major obstacles before. However, this obstacle of deep internal pain appears too big to conquer right now. Maybe in time it will get better.

 

It wouldnt have repercussions for me, even if it did, hers would be much much bigger.

 

Her actions aren't your fault, but if you were to destroy your son - out of anger - by portraying this graphic picture of his mother as as a psychopathic whore who let 50 men bang her in a car outside a pub, then that will be on you.

 

I cant comprehend how i can live my life knowing what she did without her ever getting commupance for her disgusting evil act & all her other acts that were directly aimed at destroying every bit of me & my health & wellbeing.

 

I - want - to - see - her - suffer - as much if not more - as i have.... I feel like if she died i would celebrate. Omg i cant believe what she has done to me.

 

(this is not the words of a raving lunatic, SHE brought these vile thoughts out of me)

 

I don't see how a person can behave as your ex did without being majorly dysfunctional. That level of dysfunction carries hefty penalties that, if she's not suffering from now, she will most certainly suffer from later on in life. It's inevitable. Why eat yourself up with thoughts of revenge against somebody who is already on a path of self destruction? It's pointless. You need to focus on making sure your own life is clean, functional and generally the ideal set up for bringing up a child. That's what will serve you best, and it's what will serve your son best.

 

Yeah, maybe i can just sit back & let her ruin her own life. I hope she does ruin her life. I hope she develops so much guilt at everything she has done that she kills herself with the shame. Then i could get full custody of my son & keep HER family away, as she has done to mine. I would of course allow them to see him as he obviously knows them, even though he has no idea how bad they all are.

 

I hear that you don't think you can abandon these thoughts of revenge, but if you want to reach the kind of goals I think you want to reach (a good life, a life that a court would see as providing a good enough environment for your son) then you must abandon them. If your solicitor isn't pushing you in that direction already, then I would urge you to switch solicitors. Somebody just making a lot of sympathetic faces and telling you whatever you want to hear isn't going to serve your interests very well in the long run.

 

I had an interview this morning, which went well. I will soon be involved in going around schools & youth groups to talk to kids about the dangers of drugs. This means i have a lot to work on & keep me occupied.

 

I do firmly believe she deserves punishment, actually, please ask some male friends what THEY would do if they were in my shoes, ask them to REALLY think about how they would feel, & let me know what kind of replies you get. Please.

 

Maybe time will help me.

[Taramere]

I had an interview this morning, which went well. I will soon be involved in going around schools & youth groups to talk to kids about the dangers of drugs. This means i have a lot to work on & keep me occupied.

 

I do firmly believe she deserves punishment, actually, please ask some male friends what THEY would do if they were in my shoes, ask them to REALLY think about how they would feel, & let me know what kind of replies you get. Please.

 

Maybe time will help me.

 

I don't really think I want to ask male friends to imagine themselves in that situation. Most people have enough stress in their lives without me inviting them to imagine more of it.

 

What I would say is that probably like most people on here, I understand the desire for revenge. I think it's a natural desire, but it's also a dangerous one because of the extent to which it can eat you up and make you act against your own self interest.

 

I'm not a particularly religious person, but there are certain religious rules that make sense to me. The seven deadly sins are among them. They're seven ways in which we can self destruct. Out of all of them, wrath is perhaps the most complicated...because it stems from something good. It stems from the desire for justice, but it becomes twisted into something angry and vengeful. Especially when we feel that justice isn't being done. It can become a sort of madness.

 

Think of what you've overcome and achieved in your life. The wrath of yours, becoming increasingly out of control, could be the undoing of it. Why do you suppose your ex provoked you in the way that she did? All the things you're feeling right now are things she wanted and intended for you to feel, so it's vital that you start reining those emotions in. Otherwise she's pulling your strings.

 

Yes she sounds like a completely appalling human being, and having her as a mother is a terrible start for your son....but it doesn't need to mean that his entire future is sealed. A lot of people out there make successes of themselves despite a bad start. If you're in a sorted, functional place you can help your son to make a success of his future, despite his bad start.

 

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry and vengeful, or that it's abnormal to feel those things, or that other men wouldn't feel the same way you do. These feelings are obstacles you're going to have to overcome, and it isn't easy - but you must do it all the same.

[TaraMaiden]

My husband read your thread as it happened.

He has some serious history with both his exes - I'm not going to quantify that without breaching his trust - suffice to say, parts of it make your experience look like a walk in the park.

 

he thinks you're an idiot.

 

he said, "Tell him to f'ck'ng grow up and stop being such a victim."

 

verbatim.

 

I'll ask other guys too, but I think that's what you'll find....

Edited August 30, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[seany25]

oh, and I've been in your shoes, 4 times, same woman. borderline ex wife, lied in court about income, I paid for the equiv of a small used toyota each month in support, told me how she could bang whoever she wanted to after she used the child support to take her boyfriend on a vacation that she paid for with the money I paid for my kids, and rubbed in my face the fact that I couldnt do anything about it, my kids never saw a dime. horrible person, horrible mother, total slut. I thought about killing her but there was no way I'd do time because of her. I've never forgiven her and I never ever will, but I forgave myself for the things that I couldnt have known about, much of that wasnt my fault, and I've owned up to what was. I was the best dad I could be while my kids were growing up in that ultra toxic family life at the time. I'm a very successful person now, and other than my current situation I'm very happy and grateful daily, excellent health despite years and years of stress, and I'm in awesome physical shape for being in my mid 50's, I outperform many 30 yr olds. she is still a sick twisted person with horrible health and a toxic life with no hopes for the future. I won the war, and lost a few battles along the way, so goes life.

 

Yeah there are similarities here. Apart from the gangbang thing. Bastards all the same.

 

I have felt/do feel so bad that I have felt like killing some of her family. The reason being that if I killed her, the pain would last a little while, whereas if I kill her mum, dad, sisters, or all of them, then her pain would last forever.

 

I am not going to kill anyone. I have moved away & have got an awesome life planned & ahead of me. It would be foolish to throw it all away. At the most, if it came to it, I would beat up any men in her life - cousin's, dad, uncles, boyfriends, whoever - should they make the mistake of crossing my path.

 

Having said that, I HAVE moved away, not only for my own good, but little does she know how me moving away benefits her more than she can imagine, as something drastic was due to happen if I had stayed. I understand the murderous rage feelings man.

 

Although, how does one forgive oneself for the things that the other bastard whore has done? I don't understand.

[GorillaTheater]

I do firmly believe she deserves punishment, actually, please ask some male friends what THEY would do if they were in my shoes, ask them to REALLY think about how they would feel, & let me know what kind of replies you get. Please.

 

Maybe time will help me.

 

I'd let my mind play out all kinds of revenge scenarios. And then eventually I'd figure out that I was hurting myself far more by letting her live rent-free in my head.

 

I'd then kick her out of my head, knowing she won't go easy and it'll take several tries. And then I'd live my life, grateful that except for the ties required by our child she was no longer in it.

[seany25]

My husband read your thread as it happened.

He has some serious history with both his exes - I'm not going to quantify that without breaching his trust - suffice to say, parts of it make your experience look like a walk in the park.

 

he thinks you're an idiot.

 

he said, "Tell him to f'ck'ng grow up and stop being such a victim."

 

verbatim.

 

I'll ask other guys too, but I think that's what you'll find....

 

Yeah right. Did he REALLY think about it? How would he feel if you were pregnant & you done exactly as I've explained here. It's the same concept. If he says it wouldn't affect him he is lying.

 

I'm not being an idiot. I'm f*cking angry.

[Mike_d]

Yeah right. Did he REALLY think about it? How would he feel if you were pregnant & you done exactly as I've explained here. It's the same concept. If he says it wouldn't affect him he is lying.

 

I'm not being an idiot. I'm f*cking angry.

 

I don't think he said in any way he wasn't angry. I'm sure he was pissed, and enraged at the time, as was I.

 

And, yes, I agree with him, grow the eff up, act like an adult, deal with your anger in an adult fashion, quit the pity party for yourself, and begin to act like a man.

 

You'll be dealing with these people in some fashion for the rest of your life. Acting like a jackass now only digs you a deeper hole. And none of what you are doing is going to be of any help to your child.

 

See a therapist to discuss tools to help you with your anger. Learn about healthy outlets that are not self sabotaging. But you need to get your sh.t together, and none of what you have talked about here indicates that you are willing to start.

 

Only you can make you feel like you do. Don't like it? Up to *you* to change it. Stop being the victim. Take some control of your life and your emotions

[TaraMaiden]

Listen:

You asked for male input.

I gave you some - you obviously only have my word for it - he won't come on here...

But first you ask for opinion, then when you get it you still argue.

 

You'll get very few men, I suspect, agreeing with your arguments, justifications or rationale....

[Owl]

Here's my question...

 

Do you want revenge?

 

Or do you want peace?

 

I've seen you say that you want both in this thread.

 

If you want revenge over internal peace...there isn't any advice anyone on LS can give you to help. You need to work that out yourself.

 

If you want to heal, to find that peace inside...you need a therapist to help you sort through what you're feeling and find a way to cope with it.

 

Either way, really, LS isn't going to give you the answer you want.