Drama queen coworker driving me nuts

[Sugarkane]

If Stacey is constantly talking/ complaining about her personal life, why isn't she being told off? Why isn't anyone telling her to keep her personal life at home? My last supervisor if you talked at all, you would get told off. Why isn't this happening?

[SpiralOut]

This saga feels like it will never end- surely everyone will see through her eventually?

 

They probably already do. Most people at your company are just humouring her so they can stay on her good side.

 

Continue to ignore her. If you absolutely need to confront her about something, it is more assertive to do so in face-to-face conversation.

Edited December 11, 2012 by SpiralOut

[Blackberries]

Had a big stand-off with her today. She started talking right over me from the other side of the room to a colleague I was in the middle of speaking with. I wasn't talking loudly and said quietly to my colleague after, What were we talking about before Stacey talked over me? Stacey's friend who sits beside me and turned to me when I said that then suddenly started typing and the 2 of them started giggling, next thing Stacey IMs me angry, saying she had headphones on and didn't hear me talking and the whole office heard me mention she'd talked over me. I pointed out that most people would apologise for being accidentally rude and she just started going on and on about how she wants a happy work environment and how I am "constantly" rude to her and have a problem with her! I told her to give me examples of my rudeness and she couldn't even do that, and she claimed to not remember times she was rude to me. I should have just said Excuse me I'm speaking when she started talking over me. She is being all nice to me now but I am so angry. Any more issues and I am just going straight to my manager because this is ridiculous.

[Survivor12]

Blackberries, first, I have to say that I have recently experienced a situation similar to yours. In my situation, however, "Stacy" was my direct supervisor. I won't go into the details but I will tell you that the best thing you can do is to avoid her as much as possible. Do not attempt to discuss ANYTHING with herr for ANY reason. She will find a way to use anything you say against you and interacting with her appears to others that you are a willing participant in the feud.

 

As far as management is concerned, unless you can prove that she has had a significant impact on your work, I would advise against involving management. They are not there to concern themselves with mediating personal disputes between employees unless they involve sexual harassment. I know it doesn't sound fair, but it's the way that it is. Expecting management to listen and respond to non-work related issues takes time away from their primary focus--the Business. Regardless of who is "right" or "who started it", people who waste management's time listening to personal complaints are often deemed to be "troublemakers" themselves.

 

Instead of creating more drama by involving management, I would advise (in addition to avoiding all unnecessary interacton) that you to keep a log of the incidents as they occur (on your own time). Then, in the event that Stacy does do something that impacts your job, you can honestly say that you have not participated in the drama despite having been repeatedly targeted.

 

You said that you want a future at this company. The best way to make that happen is to do good work--and be professional. Do not discuss Stacy with other employees. Do not attempt to call her out on her behavior. Do not try to have a conversation with her to clear the air. Do not be rude. Keep your personal business personal. Be friendly, but remind yourself that the people in your office are your associates, not your friends.

 

Chances are, if you remain at this company for a long time, there will be other Stacy's, and there's a possibility that Stacy's antics will pale in comparison. It will serve you well not to clutter your employee file with relatively petty issues that could minimize more important concerns should that come about. Think about it, do you really think that management would want to promote someone who has a history of complaining about minor personal issues to an important position? Would someone who has a history of not being able to handle personal differences with co-workers themselves be a good candidate for a supervisory position?

 

Bottom line--don't allow Stacy's nonsense interfere from reaching the goals you seek. Sooner or later, she will move on to mess with someone else, and eventually, her obnoxious behavior will catch up with her. In the meantime, focus on your work, ignore the bait she may toss at you and let it go.

 

Best of luck.

[turnera]

Here's what I'd do:

 

First, carry a notepad/pen on you AT ALL TIMES. Every time she does one of these things, whip out the notepad and start writing - date-stamp it. Keep a running list. Keep it on your person at all times - she'll come looking for it eventually. Let her and everyone else see you writing after her episodes. When she tries to egg you on, just smile and say 'I just thought of something I wanted to write down' and change the subject. It will drive her BATTY.

 

Second, when she DOES try to do one of these things, smile at her, look knowingly at the other people, sigh, and shake your head (tsk tsk). That will drive her even battier. And neither one is you doing anything wrong.

 

It will be SHE who goes to the boss and tries to make you out to be bad. And when the boss asks her what you did to her, what's she gonna say? That you smiled at her? That you sighed? That you wrote something down? She'll look like a fool, and ruin her chances for promotion.

 

She'll learn soon enough to leave you alone.

[Blackberries]

Thanks for your replies guys. Our manager is very of the opinion that if someone is rude to us we should call them out on it on the spot, which isn't my usual style and like Survivor said, I don't want to be seen to be as bad as her by retaliating. At the same time, I don't want to look like a pushover and our manager has told me before he has noticed people talk over me a lot. I just am beginning to feel bullied now. It's like since I'm not her bestest best friend then I'm her worst enemy.

[Blackberries]

This is just getting worse. The rest of the team now appear to have sided with her. In front of our manager, they all walked past me sitting at an empty table at lunchtime and sat together instead. One of them had previously put her plate down beside me while she went to get a drink but then took her stuff back when she saw Stacey walk past. Our manager sat with me. I couldn't believe how blatant they all were, in front of him. In our routine one to one he said he has noticed the distance in the team and will be dealing with it after the holidays (most of us will be out of the office until then). He promises it will all be sorted out. I have told him I am very close to making a full-on formal complaint about her because she has clearly turned the rest of my team against me and I am being isolated. The rest of the team are nice to me but they will always go with what she says, she is the ringleader.

When I came in this morning she was alone in the office and when I said hello she just glared at me.

[turnera]

It's good that you told him you would take it higher. He now has been warned to deal with his subordinates. If he doesn't, you NEED to report it.

[Survivor12]

I feel your frustration. I really do. As I said in an earlier post, I recently experienced a somewhat similar situation involving my direct supervisor so I understand how you are feeling. I know how it feels to be singled out and antagonized.

 

Here's the thing you need to remember...these people are your co-workers, not your friends. You are there to do a job and earn an income. Unless they are directly undermining your work--what you are paid to do--complaining to management is not the answer. Management doesn't CARE who sits with whom at lunch! They are not there to referee personal disputes. While in many situations it may be true that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease", in the case of employees, it is often considered less messy to simply replace the wheel.

 

Look, as I've said, I understand. What I didn't say is that I quit my job 2 weeks ago. You see, I went to HR after my boss screamed insults at me & called me derogatory names in front of clients. It wasn't the first time that she had behaved unprofessionally. She had been harassing me--and other employees--for months. In fact, I had reported a similar incident 10 months ago. At that time, I was told that my mgr was under a great deal of stress at that time and my grievance was dismissed.

 

For that reason, I began keeping notes about similar incidents as they occurred (including one that involved the mgr throwing something at another employee). I presented the (lengthy) list with when I returned to HR. Although they did call the Mgr in to talk, the result was her telling me that she was not going to change because--it was her MANAGEMENT STYLE! When I looked to the HR director in disbelief, I was told that *I* needed to grow a thicker skin and not to take things so "personally". She also brought up my earlier visit to HR, saying that since I'd had the same complaint before while the mgr had never filed any "write-ups" against me (she had always threatened but I never gave her cause!), it was obvious that I was the instigator. It was ridiculous. Illogical. Unprofessional. So I quit...at which point, they BOTH began trying to convince me to stay. I declined.

 

While there are differences in our circumstances, the one thing that remains the same is that when it comes to disputes between employees, HR does not care about what is "fair" or "right"--only about what is best for the company--the bottom line.

 

For that reason, I urge you to TRY not to be sucked into Stacey's playground game. When she gives you a "dirty look", think about how unattractive she looks rather than allowing yourself to get worked up over it. Strive for indifference. If you can't be friendly to your co-workers, at least be civil. Don't fall in to the trap of giving them a reason to believe negative things that Stacey may say about you. Smile. It will not only make it harder for them to be rude to you but it will also confuse the h*ll out of them. Keep an open mind. Some of those people may be nice people who have been misled about you. Prove them wrong. Above all, do your job well and remind yourself that they are nothing more to you than what they are--people who work at the same place that you do.

 

Oh, and at lunch...bring a pair of headphones, a good book and try to relax.

[Blackberries]

 

Here's the thing you need to remember...these people are your co-workers, not your friends. You are there to do a job and earn an income. Unless they are directly undermining your work--what you are paid to do--complaining to management is not the answer. Management doesn't CARE who sits with whom at lunch! They are not there to referee personal disputes. While in many situations it may be true that "the squeaky wheel gets the grease", in the case of employees, it is often considered less messy to simply replace the wheel.

 

Since the last time I posted, they have started undermining my work Stacey wanted help with a low-priority task that we had more than enough time to do and I was the only person who offered to help as the others all had other tasks to finish. I wasn't able to help her right that second as I had to finish a higher priority task first and IMed her telling her this, suddenly another one of them started telling me I wasn't being fair to her by finishing another task first... this other girl wasn't in on the IM so Stacey would have had to have told her. This task is low priority and we often finish other tasks first before helping someone else with it. I stuck up for myself and said that I have other tasks to do as well. I'm not letting them think they can gang up on me and order me around.

 

 

While there are differences in our circumstances, the one thing that remains the same is that when it comes to disputes between employees, HR does not care about what is "fair" or "right"--only about what is best for the company--the bottom line.

 

For that reason, I urge you to TRY not to be sucked into Stacey's playground game. When she gives you a "dirty look", think about how unattractive she looks rather than allowing yourself to get worked up over it. Strive for indifference. If you can't be friendly to your co-workers, at least be civil. Don't fall in to the trap of giving them a reason to believe negative things that Stacey may say about you. Smile. It will not only make it harder for them to be rude to you but it will also confuse the h*ll out of them. Keep an open mind. Some of those people may be nice people who have been misled about you. Prove them wrong. Above all, do your job well and remind yourself that they are nothing more to you than what they are--people who work at the same place that you do.

 

Oh, and at lunch...bring a pair of headphones, a good book and try to relax.

 

I totally get what you are saying. It does worry me that if I made a formal complaint, the others may all testify against me and I would end up being replaced. Things have already gone from bad to worse since the time I told my manager about her comment that I was picking on her. Having said that, I feel like I'm letting her intimidate me into not complaining about her.

My only comfort is that Stacey is such an extremist (wants to be my new best friend one minute, hates me the next) that as soon as any of the others do something she perceives as crossing her, she'll bully them too, and it will become obvious who the bully is. We've only been in the company a few months- what will she be like in a year's time?

[Kimbra]

Man I hate people like that! She has felt the need to get everyone on her side because you are not on hers then tries to turn others against you because you won't do what she wants or cater to her needs. She is a co worker not your boss.

[turnera]

Since the last time I posted, they have started undermining my work Stacey wanted help with a low-priority task that we had more than enough time to do and I was the only person who offered to help as the others all had other tasks to finish. I wasn't able to help her right that second as I had to finish a higher priority task first and IMed her telling her this, suddenly another one of them started telling me I wasn't being fair to her by finishing another task first... this other girl wasn't in on the IM so Stacey would have had to have told her.

Blackberries, haven't we told you to cover your ass? Instead, you IM her. Which has NO DOCUMENTATION to it.

 

If you aren't going to listen to our advice, why ask for it?

[dispatch3d]

You work with Stacey, be nice to her. I realize some people are a bit more gossipy than others, and I guess Stacey is particularly gossipy. Accept her for that fact, its not really fair to her to not like her for something she's been doing for a while.

 

That said, you don't have to be best friends with Stacey. Don't go into your own personal issues with her. Offer condolence when she brings up her own personal issues. Right now you are setting up sides to something you would prefer to not be involved in.

 

About the chair throwing manager. It is likely management is already aware of how unprofessionally the manager currently behaves. I would have approached it more from the viewpoint of - it's hard to work with someone doing these things at work. Could you just not throw chairs or yell at employees please. They are probably upset at losing you because you likely behave professionally while the manager struggles with this aspect of work. Your management and HR department also handled the situation poorly. They should have taken some ownership to the bad behaviour and said they were working towards a solution.

[Blackberries]

Blackberries, haven't we told you to cover your ass? Instead, you IM her. Which has NO DOCUMENTATION to it.

 

If you aren't going to listen to our advice, why ask for it?

 

Yes it does. All transcripts are automatically saved on the chat software we use.

The whole reason WHY I used IM is because she conveniently forgets verbal conversations. I would have preferred you didn't assume I'm stupid.

[Survivor12]

I am curious why you would offer to help her in the first place. I know you said that the others were busy with other tasks, but, apparently, you were, too. The best thing you can do is to stay focused on doing your job, avoid her as much as possible, fly under her radar and not give her the opportunity to find reasons to criticize you or hassle you further. By reaching out to her for any reason--even with an offer to help--you are putting your own head on the cutting block.

[turnera]

I didn't say you were stupid. I said you ignored our advice. And then came back and griped some more, after nothing changed.

[Blackberries]

At this point, I think I am going to be fired.

I had a routine meeting with our manager today and he got pretty angry with me and basically just defended Stacey for most of it. He said he wants to involve HR and that if we can't resolve this, the problem will be resolved by him firing one of us.

 

I told him about her friend telling me I wasn't being fair to Stacey by helping her with a task the very second she needed help- and he agrees that they are not my bosses- but he said he would have handled it by asking them all to vote on which task I should prioritise! In other words, ask them how I should do my job?! I told him that nobody else gets called out for not helping straight away and I want to be treated as an equal.

He wasn't happy with me saying out loud that she'd spoken over me- despite repeatedly telling me to call her out on rudeness.

 

I told him that I have tried to resolve this with her multiple times and try to just rise above things but I have to say, he did a better job of defending her than she is able to do herself. I am not happy about how it was handled but think telling him or HR this will only add another nail to my coffin.

[turnera]

I would write a nice long letter to HR - AHEAD of your boss. Explain to them that you feel HE is not defending YOU appropriately and also explain how she is undermining the work being done. Make sure they know that HE is not doing his job.

[Blackberries]

I would write a nice long letter to HR - AHEAD of your boss. Explain to them that you feel HE is not defending YOU appropriately and also explain how she is undermining the work being done. Make sure they know that HE is not doing his job.

 

Would it be better if I told him myself first that I am not happy with how it's being handled? He is new to the company himself and will not want me around if he thinks I'll complain about him. HR will already be prejudiced towards what he says, management/HR stick together in most companies.

[turnera]

Oh, I thought you already had. Yes, by all means, go into his office, close the door, and share your thoughts. Always do that first.

[Almond_Joy]

It would have been really helpful for you to document the days and times these verbal communications in front of team members occured, so you have collateral for your complaint. You may still be able to make this log if you go back through this thread and flesh out the details of each incident you posted about here. All the posts have date and time stamps so it should be easy for you to match the incidents described with the actual dates they occurred.

 

You need documentation of her efforts to turn the team against you. You also need documentation of the discrimination you are facing from your team since Stacey's attempts to discredit you publicly have begun.

 

Go to the history log of your chat software at work and print out your IM's to Stacy where you attempted to approach her to resolve the issue with her one-on-one. Hopefully this documentation will be enough for your manager to focus his frustration on Stacey instead of you.

 

This most recent incident where you tried to help her with work, to me, is a perfect illustration that you are here to get the work done and Stacey and the other co-workers are not focused on the same.

 

I think the best you can do at this point is try to divert the reprimanding action taken by the manager to Stacey instead of you. You may also be able to request a group meeting with all four of you - your manager, an HR rep, you, and Stacey. this way there are witnesses to your attempts to work this out with her.

 

Cannot stress enough the importance of written or typed documentation for all incidents. When you just tell the incidents verbally, there runs a risk of miscommunication when the information is transferred by other parties. It is all too easy for your manager or Stacey or HR to misconstrue your case when you don't have printed documentation in your own words.

 

Good luck.

[Blackberries]

I have made extensive notes of times and dates of incidents. I told our boss this in our last meeting and he said that it's "not a court of law" and he can still use his discretion when choosing who is better for the team. He also told me "you have a problem with her" and "you dislike her" to which I replied that I have a problem with how she treats me and that I do not dislike her, I just don't care for her.

 

Boss has now decided not to involve HR and to try to resolve this by having a meeting with me and Stacey together. He says he did get frustrated in our last meeting and thinks he made a bigger deal of this than he should have, and that he feels that he should have stepped in sooner.

I reiterated again that I have no problem admitting if I did anything wrong but that he needs to understand that women are much more subtle than men in how they undermine each other.

Stacey was not in work yesterday and the team works so much better without her. The others also ask me lots of questions (if Stacey is there they only ask her) and there is no drama.

 

It strikes me as odd that one minute he's making veiled threats about firing one of us and next minute he doesn't even want HR involved. Maybe he actually realised that I am in the right and he doesn't want to fire Stacey?

I am going to request that HR are in the meeting too because I am not convinced he's impartial and Stacey will deny everything.

Edited January 5, 2013 by Blackberries

[writergal]

I've read through this entire thread, and what I've gleaned from it is this - the next time you sit next to someone at work who vents a lot about their personal life:

 

1) don't Facebook friend them - in fact, NEVER Facebook your co-workers

2) don't engage with the venter/whiner as that only feeds their needs to vent more

3) don't vent to your co-workers about this person as that will only work against you in the long run as other posters here have explained to you

4) don't ask for advice and then choose to ignore it, then come back and complain that nothing has changed

5) just focus on getting your work done and IGNORE the co-worker who vents/whines/complains, and try to be civil and professional with the rest of your office team (then go home to your non-work friends and vent like crazy)

 

I don't think your co-worker Stacie is the only drama-queen here. The way you reacted to Stacie (exchanging acrimonious instant messages at work and on Facebook, gossiping to your co-workers, venting to your supervisor, having negative interactions with Stacie in front of your co-workers etc.,) helped to create the stressful work situation you find yourself in right now. Until you take responsibility for that, I'm afraid you'll repeat this situation with other co-workers who rub you the wrong way personality-wise.

 

Personalities in the workplace will clash. It's a fact of life. If you meet a co-worker and then decide you don't like this person, follow the above steps so that you don't get yourself in this situation again.

 

And if you ask for advice but then choose to ignore it, don't react defensively when the advice giver gets frustrated that you didn't follow his/her advice which you asked for in the first place. You went against the advice of posters here and your situation escalated un-necessarily to dramatic levels, where your other co-workers (by your perception) alienated you, and your boss expressed his frustration over yours and your co-worker's behavior.

 

I hope you can keep your job. I also hope you will stop engaging with this woman and stop gossiping about her behavior to your other co-workers, otherwise you most likely will lose your job for being perceived as the office trouble maker, which wasn't your intention to begin with.

Edited January 5, 2013 by writergal

[Sugarkane]

My old supervisor would've gotten rid of this person long ago.

[Blackberries]

My old supervisor would've gotten rid of this person long ago.

 

I wish he would just get rid of her...