Borderline Personality Disorder?

[AlexDP]

Please don't do so on my behalf, Harmony. I am not questioning the validity of your test result. I believe you're telling the truth about it.

 

I hope this is helpful in some way, Harmony.

 

Great idea, Harmony! I suggest that, when you do, you begin by repeating several of the long posts you made here. They provide important background information.

 

Harmony, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I'm sorry to hear you are in so much emotional pain. If you don't mind, I would like to ask several questions. One is whether you were diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder by a psychologist? If not, how do you know you have it?

 

My other question is how you were able to acquire such remarkable writing skills? Did you learn them in college? I ask because it is hard to fathom how an adolescent -- who was so afraid to go home that he was stealing food to survive -- could end up with the writing skills and keen eye for details that usually is seen only in professional writers. Two of your three posts sound like the introduction to a fascinating novel or biography.

 

Harmony, if you are what you claim to be, you are an extraordinary man, a marvel, a rare jewel. Your having BPD, interestingly, is the LEAST of your claims. I say this because the mood swings you describe, which include strong manic episodes, is bipolar-1 (which my foster son has). Significantly, a recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults (pub. 2008) found that half of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD. That is to say, having bipolar-1 put you at great risk (specifically, a 50% risk) of also having comorbid BPD. That is why BPD is not at all surprising.

 

What is surprising, then, are three other attributes you describe. One, of course, is your amazing level of self awareness, a feature that -- as you already know -- is rare among BPDers. A second attribute is the apparently effortless manner in which you are able to tell stories and describe events -- in a detailed and articulate way, as I said earlier, that sounds like the first page of a novel that sucks one right into the book.

 

As unusual as those two attributes are, they pale next to the third, which is simply astounding. I am referring to your claim of having an IQ of 172, a figure that is nearly five standard deviations from the norm (i.e., 100). The chances of any person having an IQ that high is about 1 out of 1.7 million.

 

Hence, if your IQ was measured correctly, there are only about 150 adults in the entire nation (i.e., USA) who are more intelligent than you. I don't know whether your claims are true, Harmony, but they certainly have caught my attention. I find you intriguing.

 

 

 

 

We know that caregivers fall in love with borderlines, because they need their toxic love and need to fix them. Look at Downtown's posts. They are far from a healthy response to a person with BPD. He is immediately intrigued and actually goes as far as to call HID a rare jewel.

 

Although he knows that people with BPD tend to manipulate and lie, he immediately says he believes him unlike the others. Within hours the two establish this weird bond and sort of "get" each other. We know this happens in this kind of relationships.

 

We also know borderlines will make personal confessions early on. Usually they're about a spectacular fact of which the veracity cannot be checked. HID did this on several occasions, most notably with the gang rape. But Downtown, the caregiver, believes him. He wants to protect him.

 

Downtown is looking up to HID a person he finds truly remarkable. So much different from everyone else. He is, of course, nothing of the sort. Downtown's just attracted to this kind of toxic relationship.

 

We know this happens in BPD relationships and we see it happening right in front of us, yet we choose to ignore it and think that this is something else. This is genuine, this is not just the BPD. Well, I've got news for you, folks. You can't trick BPD. It is the exact nature of the disorder in the first place.

 

It is not about me being smarter than everyone else. It's about you disregarding everything you've just said yourself. Emilia, Downtown, read your own posts in this thread. Look at HID's posts. Really think about how this thing is evolving. You'll be surprised.

 

I know this ****.

[AlexDP]

It doesn't matter whether you are right or wrong Alex. This arguing is dysfunctional. Please stop. I ignored your previous post, only read this because I clicked on it without being signed in first, otherwise I wouldn't have read it.

 

I don't like ignoring you because it seems really impolite and rude to do that when you are trying to engage me and I never ignore people in real life.

 

However, it makes me feel uncomfortable that I am arguing with a complete stranger I have never met in my life over - let's face it - non-consequential stuff.

 

Please stop.

 

 

BPD is about you, Emilia. You're saying I know squat about it, but trust me, I do know a lot about this particular subject. It is not about your life outside this forum. I have no idea what it's like. But I do see that what you're doing in this particular thread is the exact thing BPD is all about. And you choose to ignore that fact and drool over a BPD guy you've never met.

[Emilia]

I can see that you posted two posts below mine Alex, I haven't read them and I won't. I will make sure I only read this thread when I'm signed in so that I don't see your posts.

[AlexDP]

I can see that you posted two posts below mine Alex, I haven't read them and I won't. I will make sure I only read this thread when I'm signed in so that I don't see your posts.

 

It's not me you're running from, Emilia. It's yourself.

 

Also, there's no need to play this game. Obviously you've read both posts and got scared. I feel sorry for you.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Emilia. HID.

 

Read this post. Now read earlier posts of Emilia. Can you both see that this is mirroring? You're fond of him, because he mirrors you, Emilia. He rephrases your opinion and presents it as his own. I'm sure he'll deny this and say that he too thought this, but who knows if he did? And if he has BPD and one symptom of BPD is mirroring people, why assume that he isn't mirroring you now?

 

This is where my problem lies with you folks. You know he has BPD, yet when he displays the behaviour that goes along with it, you just ignore it altogether. Either you say he has BPD and you realise that his behaviour is a direct consequence of this or you just dismiss BPD altogether. Not a match. Never a match. That's what gets you in toxic behaviours.

 

Am I arrogant? Probably. But I also notice that I'm the only on in here who is able to make this distinction.

 

 

Now I really am in a completely different state of than I was upon first arriving, so I'll say this. You may make a good point. I really am pretty aware compared to most. I can really see where your going, but how can I be mirroring her. I happen to not find myself rounded, or balanced at all. I screw up, I'm inpatient as hell, and I'm certainly not very compassionate.

 

I feel concern for people, sometimes a lot, but I've never known what to do about it or how to connect.

 

I am trying very hard to be more like my wife however and I will fully admit that I mirror her.

 

I honestly think in the case of my wife and I that this is a good thing. I hope to assimilate her good qualities fully one day and make them my own.

She really is smart, as, well... as me really. This woman does NOT put up with my bull**** trust me. I really loled just now, she actually just laid into me a few moments ago on the phone.

 

So in summary, I cannot speak for anyone else, but I know I came in here raising hell.

 

BTW, the dog was stabbed to death, but it turns out several people in the area have been reporting the same thing. This person is also stealing gas, engine cleaner, and all sorts of other things. Everything he steals seems to be something he can inhale to get high.

 

My father in law's car, upon inspection, also had the seat belts cut the same way.

 

Sooooo, yes maybe I freaked out a "little" and completely misread the situation, I have to say though, cameras every where have also helped me calm down.

 

Kids are killing each other again, and I really need to learn what summary means...

[Emilia]

I can't actually believe we are having this conversation. What a pointless mindf**k.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I'll also admit this while I'm at it. I was probably attracted to my wife because of her tendency to be a caregiver. I hate it and it's pathetic. I took care of us financially, but was a total ass half the time. She has put up with things she really should not have.

 

I will have to be careful and think about what I do and what motivates me to do so.

 

I will say that I as well as everyone else gravitates towards people who share similar views, but in my case I really do have to be careful not to latch on. Fortunately I am "normal" for the time.

 

However, I did really learn some things here, their compassion, whether it is overused or not, helped me a lot while I was going bat **** insane. Hopefully this did not end up hurting anyone. I actually kinda feel bad about coming in here and stirring things up, but it said calling all BPD. Trust me I am mortified with myself for all the "sharing", but the OP got a fine example of a BPDer in full swing, nut ball mode.

 

You gotta admit, I probably come across much differently now that I am stable (ish).

 

Later guys, I am going to have to take a break today, as much as I have banged out here, I have also been trying to put a real thesis paper together. My hands kinda hurt. I really hope I can do something with this. It will at the very least lay to rest Whether or not BPDers are truly subject to more intense emotions than others. It could also tell us somethings about how different people's brains use their power and how effectively they use it. Efficiency, conductivity, Diminishing returns across several different mediums and energies. SHOO! out

[AlexDP]

Now I really am in a completely different state of than I was upon first arriving, so I'll say this. You may make a good point. I really am pretty aware compared to most. I can really see where your going, but how can I be mirroring her. I happen to not find myself rounded, or balanced at all. I screw up, I'm inpatient as hell, and I'm certainly not very compassionate.

.

 

 

HID,

 

Here's the tricky part. If you are aware of BPD and believe it is a true disorder (I am still very much on the fence about this, but that is another discussion), you are faced with a significant problem when you, as a person with BPD, connect with people:

 

- You might be mirroring them.

- You might attribute them characteristics they don't have.

 

This means that the whole basis your relationships and discussions are founded upon is void of meaning.

 

The same goes for the other party as well. Downtown is an ideal example. He was in a toxic relationship for many, many years. That tells me that he is an extreme caregiver and is attracted to people he considers to be troubled. Now look at how he is praising you without any second thought whatsoever. If you really are as smart and aware as you say, don't you think Downtown's behaviour is a bit off? To me it smells of a person who sees someone with BPD and is "in love" yet again.

 

And the funny part? He knows his weakness, yet can't do anything about it.

[AlexDP]

I can't actually believe we are having this conversation. What a pointless mindf**k.

 

It's far from pointless. It is not only the essence of personality disorders it is also the essence of our being. It is why you are scared to debate about it and refuse to reconsider your attitude in this thread.

[M30USA]

Much of me agrees with Alex. At the same time I find Downtown's posts illuminating. That being said, it seems the heart of the issue being argued is this: Who ultumately is acvountable for BPDers actions? Themselves? Others? Both? Or is it just a floating disorder that strikes people unwillingly against their will due to disrupted brain chemistry? The symptoms and manifestations of BPD are agreed upon generally; it's only the questions I asked which are causing disagreement.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

We know that caregivers fall in love with borderlines, because they need their toxic love and need to fix them. Look at Downtown's posts. They are far from a healthy response to a person with BPD. He is immediately intrigued and actually goes as far as to call HID a rare jewel.

 

Although he knows that people with BPD tend to manipulate and lie, he immediately says he believes him unlike the others. Within hours the two establish this weird bond and sort of "get" each other. We know this happens in this kind of relationships.

 

We also know borderlines will make personal confessions early on. Usually they're about a spectacular fact of which the veracity cannot be checked. HID did this on several occasions, most notably with the gang rape. But Downtown, the caregiver, believes him. He wants to protect him.

 

Downtown is looking up to HID a person he finds truly remarkable. So much different from everyone else. He is, of course, nothing of the sort. Downtown's just attracted to this kind of toxic relationship.

 

We know this happens in BPD relationships and we see it happening right in front of us, yet we choose to ignore it and think that this is something else. This is genuine, this is not just the BPD. Well, I've got news for you, folks. You can't trick BPD. It is the exact nature of the disorder in the first place.

 

It is not about me being smarter than everyone else. It's about you disregarding everything you've just said yourself. Emilia, Downtown, read your own posts in this thread. Look at HID's posts. Really think about how this thing is evolving. You'll be surprised.

 

I know this ****.

 

Now we have to consider some things here in regards to my history. Believe it or not some people really do go through crazy stuff.

 

We are as much creatures of our environment as we genetics. It is a fact that people exposed to advanced trauma sometimes stop developmentally. This happens with soldiers after having terrible experiences in war. They get stuck back there and cannot move on until they process it. If this happens at an early age a person can become stuck there developmentally as well.

 

In the case of people with BPD it is found that the hippocampus and oblongata are smaller than that of the average persons. This is speculated to be because of them not developing emotionally as they should, leading to under usage and thus they do not increase in size as they should over the years. So there is one physical implication right there.

 

Now if this is true then the handicap compared to everyone else only increases with age.

 

Looking back over my life I believe the early abuse, triggered a chain of events. See I was every bit as smart as I claimed to be as a child, BUT, I also had a mouth on me. My parents cursed like sailors back then, so I did too. Naturally this doesn't go over well at school. I very quickly get a reputation as a trouble maker. Since I usually had an answer for things, I was considered a smart ass. I totally was, but I did not know that. What standard would I compare it too.

 

You can probably guess this, but being intelligent, smart mouthed, and smaller than you should be for your age, is asking for trouble. You see at this point I am still only emulating my parents type of social interaction. I obviously had a propensity for making people angry, so of course I attracted several bullies each year.

 

Now, to compound matters, my parents never supervised any of us. I still remember being brought home by the MPs at Pope for wandering all the way onto a restricted area on the runway... I was maybe 6, my brother was 4. I mean, what the hell? We were just free to run all over the place. My dad actually got in deep **** with his superiors for letting his kids wander so damn far. This did not go well for us. A few years later, my parents still not having learned their lesson, allowed us to wander across base again and we started the woods on fire. The same woods that some screwed up things would happen in later...

 

My parents would lock us in our rooms and drink all night, no bathroom, no way to get their attention either. This led to my brother and I prying the window once to crap outside. Now, this is one thing you could verify by talking to my wife. My parents to this day are so ignorant about how abusive they were, that they actually tell people this story and laugh about how I pull some underwear down from the close line to wipe!

 

You can see by now probably that my parents really kinda started me out knowing only how to be a belligerent jerk. I still take responsibility however, as Alex said before, and I agree, knowledge makes you responsible. Which is why I am researching this stuff as I did bi-polar for years after being diagnosed. I just messed up and got lost in the science of it instead of the treatment. Who knows, perhaps this research is my best treatment. It keeps me focused on the "disorder" and less apt to lose myself. Also plotting my different aspects, (mood, energy, intellect) daily should provide an answer as to PRECISELY what is caused by bi-polar and what is caused by BPD. This will be accomplished using a wave chart plotted on my machine.

 

You see I went through life attracting trouble, but not knowing why at first. By the time I wouldv'e been smart enough to figure it out, I was already stigmatized as the A-hole. By then I was already angry and fighting back.

 

Years later I end up doing drugs, getting into fights constantly, doing horrible things, getting thrown into jail, prison, boot camps, you name it.

 

The very last time I was in prison I was in solitary for a long time, a straight year, as you might guess I pissed people off there too. At any rate, I had a long time to think. In addition, I was actually completely detoxed for the first time since I was 12. Thinking more clearly than I ever had before I realized that it could not be the would, that was illogical. The odds where so far stacked against it, that it was simply foolish. I realized this and started blaming myself for once. Unfortunately I've been known to take it WAY too far.

 

By now in my life I had set myself on a path to hell, I was aware and managed to bee normal much much more on the time, BUT there where times when I just lost it. No matter how much I tried to hold on to logic I would ultimately succumb. Notice the word I. I still gave in, I still take responsibility. I came home after that trip and actually got a job. I haven't been back (thank God) since.

 

It has been a slow process, but I am getting more and more under control. That freak out you guys witnessed at the start was the first episode in a while. I had not hurt myself or any thing for about 8 months. Then blam!

 

I am on the proper medication for my bi-polar now. So far this is TRULY the best I have ever felt in my life. No weird high, no feeling that something is off, just clear. It's like a breath of fresh air for you soul.

 

I still have these insane urges to fly off the handle almost everyday, but in this state I can stave it off...for now.

 

So to sum up, My life was a chain of events that when inspected closely, makes perfect sense. I made things FAR worse by being so stubborn.

 

I repeat, I really wish I had not said that stuff, but I was already going nuts from a double whammy of BP and BPD. This happening while some truly awful things where going on. It was too much, I jumped to conclusions about who was doing this stuff around here and freaked the heck out, on everyone that did not agree with me in anyway. As stated earlier, the entire neighborhood is having this issue, so we are not being targeted, but you gotta admit it's still creepy. I really did put security cameras up everywhere they we need to cover everything. I sleep much better with my little monitor set up right where I can see it.

 

I really am trying to take full responsibility. Part of that is hanging around here when I know someone has something negative to say to me. I have to learn tolerance. What was not learned as a child I can relearn now. Now that I am aware. So, again the responsibility is mine. I might also add that the result of my bad decisions did hold me responsible whether I liked it our not.

 

 

Shoo, after I said I would take a day off. This thread is just too fascinating. Hats off guys, this debate has been drawing more views than anything else here I believe. For good reason, both sides make good points that are in line with the context of their perspective.

 

Jeez I gotta stop this, time to feed my kids.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I will also say I am not special in terms of my life history and BPD diagnoses. There are hundreds of stories like mine. We basically piss off the whole world before we know any better and the result don't exactly groom good citizens. Our parents make us feel worthless in the beginning, then send us into the world acting like them, the world, does not appreciate this at ALL. The parents don't give a **** so they let it happen. All we know is everybody seems to hate us from before we can remember and the why ceases to matter it becomes about revenge or survival. Shoo! Damn fingers!

 

Its really easy to see how a chain of events can get started in this way. I had to cut myself almost completely off from my family to even get this far. That was 5 years ago and I've only come this far.

 

I am becoming stable though, not manic, not "high", just okay for once. I believe in the power of the human will above all else. I respect competence above all else.

 

I'll get it, or, there is always that other thing, I don't want my kids to be anything like me after all. I am going to give plan A my best shot first though...

 

The only thing that makes me stand out is the fact that I am aware of it.

 

I also admit to lying, A LOT. This was when I was younger though. Really, part of that turn around phase, during which I switched to aggressor, I quite given a crap AT ALL, what anyone thought. IF someone pissed me off I'd try to take their head off with something, eff the rules I just did not care. The only thing that mattered was that I never backed down from anything ever again. If someone had to get beaten, then dammit it was not gonna be me. Me versus all of you...

 

As you can imagine, this arrangement does not end well. You know what you get when a tiny geek swings on a bully after one smart ass word? Then refuses to stay down no matter what. You get a kids that walks around almost ASKING to get his butt kicked. See, how it all snowballs.

 

I did it all to myself the second I became aware. I will always stand by that statement. It is one of the static things throughout all phases of crazy that I experience.

 

I hope that is useful to someone.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

HID,

 

Here's the tricky part. If you are aware of BPD and believe it is a true disorder (I am still very much on the fence about this, but that is another discussion), you are faced with a significant problem when you, as a person with BPD, connect with people:

 

- You might be mirroring them.

- You might attribute them characteristics they don't have.

 

This means that the whole basis your relationships and discussions are founded upon is void of meaning.

 

The same goes for the other party as well. Downtown is an ideal example. He was in a toxic relationship for many, many years. That tells me that he is an extreme caregiver and is attracted to people he considers to be troubled. Now look at how he is praising you without any second thought whatsoever. If you really are as smart and aware as you say, don't you think Downtown's behaviour is a bit off? To me it smells of a person who sees someone with BPD and is "in love" yet again.

 

And the funny part? He knows his weakness, yet can't do anything about it.

 

 

This is what makes you fun to debate with. You may not agree, but you can make valid points.

 

While I will not speak for anyone else, I understand your logic and perspective, numbers are usually numbers.

 

As far as my mirroring people. Yes it sucks. I am aware of it and it makes me feel empty, thus the mention of that as part of criteria for the diagnosis.

 

I do both, I am in my right mind and willing to admit it. This is our chameleon quality. We are empty vessels looking only for what we never got as a little child. We just go for whoever will give it to us. It's pathetic, but in a way were are looking for parents in a mate.

 

I have also attributed traits to my wife that she does not posses. It seems to me and her though that I almost exclusively project bad traits onto her and others. I do have an adoration phase, but this seems to only be induced chemically, ie in person and sexually attracted. Maybe it's because I am a male BPD and I am more visually stimulated, who knows.

 

So I am aware of how meaningless my relationships are. This leads to much depression. I think my marriage has meaning though. It's the only thing I've have ever stuck out. Believe me, before my wife I had no attachment to anyone.

 

We have kids, history, and we still talk all the time! We may fight for half of those conversations, but we do love each other, maybe a little too much. (It takes amazing sex to make 2 smart people dumb enough to have 4 kids back to back.)

 

As I have stated before, I just have more capacity freed up without my emotions raging out of control. It's energy I am not used to having. I find I have sooooo much more mental endurance already. I usually just read, but now I am actually doing the work. I have probably written 3 college papers worth of information in 3 days.

 

My wife is happy, my kids are actually having fun with their daddy.

 

The only bad thing is it makes me even more afraid of losing it. I did not know it could be this good. I was already petrified about losing our life before.

 

Finally, this dramatic increase in mental endurance and capacity resulting from having resources freed up from emotion centers, is what lead me to believe this must have a quantifiable effect that can be measured.

 

It just makes sense, use more power, get less back for it, increase exponentially, OHMs law.

 

That's it for this one.

 

Now we are getting somewhere, it might have even started out this way if I hadn't freaked out, I apologize again.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

It's far from pointless. It is not only the essence of personality disorders it is also the essence of our being. It is why you are scared to debate about it and refuse to reconsider your attitude in this thread.

 

 

See that in bold? That nails it. I hate to admit it, but that is what makes all things psychological so hard to understand. I believe if we keep working on it, we can cut out the misuse, and empirically lay everything to rest one day. That's what I want for us as a species anyway.

 

We just have to look HARD. Somethings are simply a super bitch to figure out. I say again, the system is NOT infinite, it is complex and beautiful. If we back up from the pixels in front of our face one day and see the ENTIRE picture, we are complete...

 

Ow, that's it, wrist cramp. No one else say anything smart until tomorrow damn it, you guys are killing me. Other people are apparently finding it interesting as well...

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Much of me agrees with Alex. At the same time I find Downtown's posts illuminating. That being said, it seems the heart of the issue being argued is this: Who ultumately is acvountable for BPDers actions? Themselves? Others? Both? Or is it just a floating disorder that strikes people unwillingly against their will due to disrupted brain chemistry? The symptoms and manifestations of BPD are agreed upon generally; it's only the questions I asked which are causing disagreement.

 

 

What questions if you don't mind? I am able to be rational for the time being and I'm interested in learning everything I can. I find discussions like these teach you WAY more than any classroom ever will.

 

Time to clean up after my four bratty kids. Don't be fooled by the way, cuteness is not accidental, its a defense mechanism. Lucky for them they are very cute, otherwise I would've eaten them long ago. Joking of course.

[M30USA]

What questions if you don't mind? I am able to be rational for the time being and I'm interested in learning everything I can. I find discussions like these teach you WAY more than any classroom ever will.

 

I was stating an observation that the only disagreement on the BPD subject is what CAUSES it and who, ultimately, is ACCOUNTABLE (if anyone) for the behaviors. The actual symptoms and diagnostic basis seems pretty well agreed upon. Just as an observer on this thread, it seems most of the arguments are over the cause.

 

I will state my personal opinion. Since I believe the Bible which says that "the heart is deceitful above all things", I typically err on the side of saying that, yes, people mostly know what they are doing. However, it is probably true that other people can HELP someone with BPD. But I personally believe the ultimate accountability, as with all other things aside from BPD, must be on the individual with BPD themselves. We say this regarding alcoholism, abusive behavior, addictions, and almost all other psychological disorders. I don't see why BPD is different. However, as I said, this doesn't mean we should throw people with BPD out into the cold and say "deal with it". But it's still better to err on the side of personal accountability.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

I was stating an observation that the only disagreement on the BPD subject is what CAUSES it and who, ultimately, is ACCOUNTABLE (if anyone) for the behaviors. The actual symptoms and diagnostic basis seems pretty well agreed upon. Just as an observer on this thread, it seems most of the arguments are over the cause.

 

I will state my personal opinion. Since I believe the Bible which says that "the heart is deceitful above all things", I typically err on the side of saying that, yes, people mostly know what they are doing. However, it is probably true that other people can HELP someone with BPD. But I personally believe the ultimate accountability, as with all other things aside from BPD, must be on the individual with BPD themselves. We say this regarding alcoholism, abusive behavior, addictions, and almost all other psychological disorders. I don't see why BPD is different. However, as I said, this doesn't mean we should throw people with BPD out into the cold and say "deal with it". But it's still better to err on the side of personal accountability.

 

I believe you are correct.

 

A lot of people with BPD, freak out when they get the diagnosis. I imagine it's the stigma that surrounds it.

 

BPDers are usually created out of abuse or neglect, however they can also be created from over protective doting parents.

 

Both methods send the same message to the the child. As stated by Emilia before.

 

This leaves us without any sense of validation, have tried so hard and never receiving it as children, we develop this obsession with being perfect. We talk ourselves up and inflate our egos. It's a flawed method of self/soothing or self affirmation. We figure since nothing was good enough for our parents, (when we are very young) we carry this sense of flawed self into the world and basically try to force people into liking us. It's easy for both parties in the beginning. The BDPer gets that narcotic "love" they've been craving, and the other person gets a completely agreeable partner with the same interest and so on. It is basically a two sided lure.

 

 

So, here is what I believe to be the best current answer to the issues of blame, accountability, and so forth.

 

Parents (not in all cases, but most due to the very early age that traits are usually learned), are initially to blame. Or you could say the initial caretaker or person who otherwise acted as a catalyst for an extended period of time beginning at birth or shortly after, but usually before the age of 5. This however shifts with the level of awareness. Once I became aware it became my responsibility, in my eyes and those of God. With knowledge came MY time to "put away childish things".

 

Now while I am saying that they deserve consideration and love, you should not attempt this unless you already have an attachment!

 

Its just a BAD idea.

 

We do have to be held accountable, but people are really hard headed by nature anyway. They are apt to find views that fit how they feel. Ie, you want 5 wives then you decide being a Mormon is the way to ultimate truth. BPDers take this concept to the extreme. They will fit very facts to their emotional state. For example I myself, as evidenced in this thread, totally KNEW that woman who tried to get me killed was responsible, even though it was illogical and extremely unlikely that someone like her even thinks about me or what happen anymore. She is likely high on something now and not concerned about anything, especially not me.

 

So by now you may have guessed that there is "some" credence to my claim of intellect. Despite being as smart as I am, the primal aspect still over powered my logical mind. I HAD to find the threat and eliminate it. Since I could not handle the threat to the thing I most treasure, I made on. This gave me a sense of control, a target, a means to an end. Then it turns out I overreacted completely. These things happened, but not at ALL for the reasons I believed.

 

BPD is pretty much the result of raising children with the exact opposite of what they need.

 

In the end the blame lies on either whoever is willing to take it or the person themselves.

 

This is why I say again, don't be the person to take that blame. People with untreated BPD are simply not ready for relations ships. I am no exception, but it's far too late for that. I have no choice personally, but to accept responsibility for my families sake. It's like I said before, all I can do is try to stop this cycle here.

 

I do think Dr.Linehan is on to something. DBT is teaching someone to deal with duality. Basically just coping with your emotions. Something normal people learn to do gradually. So the raising we never got has to be accomplished without the benefit of a child's malleable mind. In addition to this, regards of what causes it, we must do so with inferior hardware due to underdevelopment of previously mentioned areas of the brain.

 

So it just takes the right tools.

 

I am grateful that I am as aware as I am, even it does torment me. My life was real, it left some serious damage, but the damage is mine to own, for no one else can change it save for myself.

 

I really was telling the truth and I honestly wish we could remove old posts here, but alas maybe it will help someone learn how crazy we can get.

 

BTW, I'm still on the fence too, officially anyway, that is why this research I've gotten lost in is so important to me. I do NOT accept the unknown. I very much intend to learn everything, I just may have to finish in the next life.

 

That's my two cents.

 

Excellent academic discussion this has turned into BTW.

[Emilia]

Thanks Harmony, it's good to read your posts because my ex said similar things to me about anger and the 'f**k you all' stuff and I can see how that built up over the years. There is a reason why he is in the army, specifically in the regiment he is in. With growing self-awareness he will eventually climb out of it as you are climing out of it yourself. It is a very good read, thank you.

 

I do agree that as you build more self-awareness, your responsibility for your behaviour grows. I generally think that smarter people are better at climbing out of ditches.

Edited April 7, 2013 by Emilia

[Emilia]

However, I did really learn some things here, their compassion, whether it is overused or not, helped me a lot while I was going bat **** insane.

 

Compassion does not equate unconditional acceptance. Compassion equates encouragement, specifically fuel to encourage the other person not to give up. This is how I see it anyway. An ant deserves compassion let alone a human being with a personality disorder.

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Thank you for your words Emilia. I am doing much better now, mentally anyway. I wanted to work on my research some more, but I have been having bad pain days. I don't even bother going to the ER, over anything anymore. My wife tried to make me go this weekend for a broken rib, but what's the point?

 

I am actually about to call my lawyers to ask them why they seem to keep missing the treasure trove of evidence that is at an inpatient facility in town. They have seen me 9 times over the years involuntarily. I guess they want to drag it out to get a bigger cut, I don't know, but I wish they would get cracking at it.

 

I know we don't need anyone else on SSA, but I tried. My house has no heat, or insulation. I have to cut firewood all year round to make it through winter. This year I just couldn't. So it got COLD.

 

I also hit a brick wall for the moment in my research. Its all great in theory and should work, but they is an issue with sample bias.

 

Alex actually helped a lot. He pointed out weaknesses in my theory that allowed my to refine it. Someone at another forum also brought up sample bias, which I completely forgot about. One of the most basic testing principles. I cannot take any group solely from one place, it has to be random otherwise the results can be tainted. For example it could be argued that something environmental in the inpatient facility could be causing the effects we are looking for.

 

This causes problems for me in a big way. An inpatient facility was pretty much my only hope for BPD subjects for whom which I could control variables.

 

Sooooo, back to the drawing board on that one.

 

I will also give a quick example of just how effective medication can be if used correctly.

 

I began to stabilize last week. Only a few days later and I am doing even better. In fact, I was waking up every single morning unable to eat. I would throw up if I tried. This would be a tug of war until I managed to choke something down by about 3PM. I did not realize it was just depression that was doing it. I have woke up 3 days in a row feeling noticeably better. This morning there was no nausea at all.

 

So, for people who think these are magic pills, you are mistaken. I was not able to eat in the first half of the day at ALL for over a year. I was literally sick with depression. I would sometimes just not eat for a couple days, now I actually want to eat.

 

I lost 30 pounds over a year. I did not need to, I look like hell and people probably think I am on drugs, but I am trying to get back in shape. Folks do not realize how bad a mental health disorder can be, not even me. In the midst of it I was in a fog. All I know is that I feel like I have had the flu for a year and am just now recovering.

 

I could have a wonderful life if only crazy me would stay out of it. I have a beautiful wife, who obviously loves me, 4 SUPER smart kids, and God loves me. As long as I do the job he set forth for me, I know he'll move the universe around if he has too. This is how I want to stay. It's kinda like the end of the "Notebook" His wife wishes she could stay, but she knows she won't stay lucid. I understand this and can only enjoy it while I'm here. Every single time I am normal I PRAY and PRAY that this time I can stay, that I won't have to go back.

 

Well, Ive said enough, just thought I would touch base and perhaps offer someone some insight into just how effective "magic pills" can be if used appropriately. Trust me, I am a totally different person this way, this is me without interference. Clear.

[Emilia]

Hi Harmony, was wondering how have you been getting lately.

[Downtown]

I second Emilia's request. How are you doing Harmony? Are you still feeling pretty stable?

[uniqwa]

welll yesss...I havent been diagnosed.. Grandmother had dissorder, uncle and father have it....So im fairly certain since it is genetically inherited.... Yes over thinking things which are extremely unlikely and impossible rather based on illogical irrational thought.. Thingsthat come along ; being over analytical, reviewwing things looking past a limited spectrum.. being worried all the freaking time.. I genuinely used to worry my ex would cheat over and over, the constant struggle with reason.. granted it happened but sht i was extremely afraid... All the things you feel are associated.. Now it can be ahindering factor if u allow yourself, when deppression is allowed it literally is the highest extreme literally months, ppl with it experience hightened feelings wther it be love or loss... Growing up i thought my father was just insane, he was a mentally andphysically abusive person who always seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster... what you're going through is normal

[Emilia]

welll yesss...I havent been diagnosed.. Grandmother had dissorder, uncle and father have it....So im fairly certain since it is genetically inherited.... Yes over thinking things which are extremely unlikely and impossible rather based on illogical irrational thought.. Thingsthat come along ; being over analytical, reviewwing things looking past a limited spectrum.. being worried all the freaking time.. I genuinely used to worry my ex would cheat over and over, the constant struggle with reason.. granted it happened but sht i was extremely afraid... All the things you feel are associated.. Now it can be ahindering factor if u allow yourself, when deppression is allowed it literally is the highest extreme literally months, ppl with it experience hightened feelings wther it be love or loss... Growing up i thought my father was just insane, he was a mentally andphysically abusive person who always seemed to be on an emotional rollercoaster... what you're going through is normal

 

Are you going to seek formal diagnosis?

[HarmonyInDisonance]

Hey guys, I don't know I came back. I am pretty ashamed of being so open before. That's what I do, I open up, then get freaked out and run away. lol, I'm skittish like that.

 

I was stable for awhile, then slipped into some kind of mania I've never experienced before. A manic stupor I believe it is called. I simply fell into myself. No energy in my body, but my mind was wide open.

 

Sadly I am getting worse. I rammed my car into an embankment. Unfortunately there was a hump I did not see and I jumped gap instead of smashing into it. Ironically enough if I had been going slower I'd be dead. Despite removing my seat belt before hand, I survived albeit with some broken ribs and broken arm. So now I am $2000 in the hole, yay.

 

Medication that worked before has become ineffective. I have become increasingly violent. My acts of self mutilation have reached a new high. The other day I wrapped a chain around my hand and beat my face in.

 

I'm not looking for a pity party here, no one misunderstand.

 

I just think this offers an inside perspective on some things. Despite all of this I am really trying to be better. It's the same every time. I hit a normal spell and do great. Then after a couple of months tops, I have a physcotic episode and ruin it all.

 

My wife hates me and has gotten to the point where she simply laughs when I destroy my face.

 

I really cannot blame her. I would've probably gotten that way long before now.

 

I called my dad to ask him how he made it through similar episodes. He told me he just didn't want to remember. I told him I was planning on killing myself and he said if that is what I wanted to do then do it, in the end it's better than me making every one miserable.

 

So, I don't know, I'm really considering it. I have an oleander plant outside. I read up on how to prepare a potent extract. I have already procured some hypodermic needles. I figure a large dose to the jugular and my heart should blow pretty fast. I'm just trying to work up the balls.

 

I know I am going to hell, I have hurt too many people. In addition I am pretty sure suicide is an instant out as far as heaven is concerned. I honestly think that is what I deserve. Even trying to be a christian and getting saved at the altar, it was all selfish. I did it out of fear of going to hell. I just think that is akin to using God.

 

That's just not a good reason in my book.

 

I am sure some one will be along shortly to make fun of me, tell me it's my fault whatever. I am actually past the point of caring, I don't even get mad anymore. I am just waiting... Waiting until I can get the courage up to do it.

 

This is not a cry for help, but anyone with family affected by this please at least know that the borderline in your life may be trying with all his might. I know I am. I recently decided that I was to blame (to lay earlier arguments to rest) because regardless of how I feel I still have free will, a choice.

 

No matter how intense my emotions I still make a decision as to how I react to them.

 

With this realization my sins are multiplied a hundred fold. I finally let the guilt in and it was crushing. I just don't know if I am able to do this. I can make a decision to be unaffected by my intense feelings. I can also make a decision to run through hot coals. Many times these two illustrations are equal in difficulty.

 

I can't maintain any kind of stability for more than a couple months. All the work I put into my relationships is deleted when I lose it. Then it's back to square one.

 

I am not completely without hope, I am currently training a new technique based off of Dr.Linehans work as well as mindfulness, with a touch or emdr. I am getting better at it, but invoking it under extreme stress still eludes me. I will explain more if anyone is interested.

 

I am just tired. So damn tired.