AnchordHeart Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Here is my very long back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/338651-he-left-me-his-ex-wat-d Basically, It has been a little over a month of NC and i feel like I am dying inside. He has moved on and is happy with the girl he left me for. He said he had been unhappy in our relationship and had been faking it near the end and that he was no longer in love with me. He hurt me very badly and did some very cruel and immature things wile cutting me out of his life. My friend (a dude) has advised me in sending him a brief message on facebook saying: 'Dude, I just wanted to tell you that even after all of the things that have happened, I don't have bad feelings and I wish you the best.' I have heard that sending such a letter helps with closure. In truth, i'm very much heartbroken, and I do have some bad feelings, but I feel that once I send this I can begin NC with a fresh slate. I never told him I was doing NC and I simply just gave up one day and slipped out of his life. We are not friends on Facebook, but I do not have him blocked. Should I send this letter? Note: I do hope to get back with him someday. He is in a destined to fail relationship, but I will treat it like a relationship anyway.
Pod81 Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 You'll probably get a lot of responses saying that this isn't a good idea and to stay NC, but I admittedly sent a similar letter. Just know that there is a very good chance that he will not respond. My ex didn't respond, but I was fine with it and it didn't set me back to square one like some people would predict. As long as you can accept this is a likelihood, then go ahead if you think it'll give you closure.
2muchlove Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 There are far too many variables to share with us to make a proper judgment on whether or not it would be a good idea. And even if we had them all it should still be your decision. Just understand and come to terms with every possible outcome of you sending it Should you choose to.
Samilia Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Here is my very long back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/338651-he-left-me-his-ex-wat-d Basically, It has been a little over a month of NC and i feel like I am dying inside. He has moved on and is happy with the girl he left me for. He said he had been unhappy in our relationship and had been faking it near the end and that he was no longer in love with me. He hurt me very badly and did some very cruel and immature things wile cutting me out of his life. My friend (a dude) has advised me in sending him a brief message on facebook saying: 'Dude, I just wanted to tell you that even after all of the things that have happened, I don't have bad feelings and I wish you the best.' I have heard that sending such a letter helps with closure. In truth, i'm very much heartbroken, and I do have some bad feelings, but I feel that once I send this I can begin NC with a fresh slate. I never told him I was doing NC and I simply just gave up one day and slipped out of his life. We are not friends on Facebook, but I do not have him blocked. Should I send this letter? Note: I do hope to get back with him someday. He is in a destined to fail relationship, but I will treat it like a relationship anyway. How can I say that.. hell no. Hell no because.. it's not true. You're not wishing him well with that other girl, you'd rather have him with you. Hell no because you're acting like a puppy dog, he broke your heart and admitted of faking it, and still you want to tell him you don't have any bad feelings. Lie, busted again. If you want closure, write the letter on paper, and don't send it. If you want him back (loving the "someday"), stay in NC and work on being free of him. First that's what might attract him back, second that's the one way for you to get back on your feet. 3
theskyisblue Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Anchordheart - thought I would say that I sent my thoughts and feelings to my ex. I never actually got a response to it. That said I was glad to do it. You suppose have to accept that you may not get a response to it. Is that something you could accept? It is tough but if you're going to send it really think about what you want to say. Pod - kind of understand what you're saying. Did you feel like sending the letter helped you? That's seems to be a good reason to send it. Helps you find some peace which is a good thing!
Car10e Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 I wrote my ex bf a hand written letter and sent it to his house through the mail. Basically, I just explained that I realize what I lost, and that I hope he is able to find himself. I also told him that I don't want him to think I hate him, and that I will talk to him if he ever wanted to. I didn't want him to think that because he put me through all of this, I would be bitter towards him.
KatZee Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 How can I say that.. hell no. Hell no because.. it's not true. You're not wishing him well with that other girl, you'd rather have him with you. Hell no because you're acting like a puppy dog, he broke your heart and admitted of faking it, and still you want to tell him you don't have any bad feelings. Lie, busted again. If you want closure, write the letter on paper, and don't send it. If you want him back (loving the "someday"), stay in NC and work on being free of him. First that's what might attract him back, second that's the one way for you to get back on your feet. Bingo. Nope. Do not send the "closure letter." The only person you're going to get closure from is yourself. I'll tell you what happened to me as a result of sending this so called "closure letter." After my ex left me, he left me with a lot of hope. So a couple days after we broke up I wrote him a genuinely caring e-mail. Saying I agreed with the split and that this needed to happen so we could both grow and that I loved him and cared for him very much. There was never any response. Nothing. Not even a simple acknowledgment. About two months after that e-mail he spits in my face, makes a fool of me by telling me to sell the jewelry he bought me, that I should have a nice life and to lose his number. (At this time it was completely out of no where for me.) Come to find out a month later... there was another girl. That's why he did a complete 180 on me. Made me feel like a fool for sending him such a nice email saying I loved him and this was for the best. He was behind my back trying to get with another girl he met at his new job. The job he took to be closer to me after our almost 2 year long distance relationship. That's the payment I got for sticking by him in a LDR for that long. He once told me that my patience would be "greatly rewarded." That's what I received. I deserved none of it, and he most certainly did not deserve my kind, loving, and supportive "closure letter." I feel stupid for sending it because all the while he had zero intention of being back with me. Not to mention, after I got past the stage you're in... the one where you're like, "Yeah... he treated me like a pile of ****. He left me for someone else. But I love him and would take him back..." you get angry. And you get REAL angry. Believe me. You're not even going to want his piece of sh*t ass back.
Mike_d Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 think what you may be really after here is forgiveness, and the ability to forgive yourself. Write the letter, maybe consider sitting on it for a few days or weeks, if you still feel the same then send it. I have one sitting in a drawer too. In the meanwhile google around for forgiveness and see if it seems to speak to what you are after. Going NC on someone who has gone back to their ex is usually the best just given the clearly unresolved issues at play. Hope you find relief regardless
Sameold Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Everyone's "closure" is different. For me I was really angry and disgusted that my ex could throw away all we had built so easily without even mentioning a problem. I made damn sure she knew this come to end and then I went NC and am healing. You need to be honest with yourself. Do you seriously wish him "good luck" because I don't think you do. I do disagree with some people here. Writing a letter can help express your feelings, just try and make sure you mean what you put down. Don't manufacture feelings to try and "win them back", it never works. Like I said I was really hurt and angry and I made damn sure she knew. Do I sometimes regret it? Maybe for a second but then I remember what she did to me and us and it is completely and utterley deserved. Don't let people get away with treating you like **** and then get away with it. At the same time learn when to draw the line and work on yourself to improve and get happy. To me it isn't a letter that you sound like you mean so my advice would be not to send it.
Car10e Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 think what you may be really after here is forgiveness, and the ability to forgive yourself. Write the letter, maybe consider sitting on it for a few days or weeks, if you still feel the same then send it. I have one sitting in a drawer too. In the meanwhile google around for forgiveness and see if it seems to speak to what you are after. Going NC on someone who has gone back to their ex is usually the best just given the clearly unresolved issues at play. Hope you find relief regardless I did the same thing. It took me awhile to send the letter. I kept writing a letter then changing it, because there was so much I wanted to say. But then I realized I should just keep it short and simple. Make sure you give yourself time to think about what you really want to say. My first letter I wrote, I was mean and angry. I realized that wouldn't help with anything and makes me look bad. You don't want to say anything that may make it seem like you are begging for him back.
dayslikelikethis Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 (edited) think what you may be really after here is forgiveness, and the ability to forgive yourself. Write the letter, maybe consider sitting on it for a few days or weeks, if you still feel the same then send it. I have one sitting in a drawer too. In the meanwhile google around for forgiveness and see if it seems to speak to what you are after. Going NC on someone who has gone back to their ex is usually the best just given the clearly unresolved issues at play. Hope you find relief regardless I totally agree.. I made the mistake of not just writing one "closure letter", not "two closure letters", but "three closure" letters. You will always have more to say. There will always be something that you left out. I think you should write the letter but do not send it for quite some time.. Add to the letter, and take stuff out over time. Let your feelings guide you. They will change. You will also remember to put EVERYTHING that you feel you need to say to give yourself closure for this chapter of your life. Don't write a venomous letter.. It will only make you look bad and just validify them dumping you like yesterdays trash. All in all it has helped me because I put everything out there that I personally felt needed to be said. The only problem is that it took me 3 letters over a weeks time to do it. I wish I could have condensed it all down into one. She probably thought I was going to be some kind of stalker when all I really wanted to do was let her know how I feel, and yes what I felt that she walked away from. I did want to let her know that I was angry at her for giving up on us but I didn't want the letter/letters to be venomous knowing that her last thoughts of me would be ugly thoughts. For me I think it helped. For others..... Maybe not. Just remember you got dumped for a reason. They weren't happy for a reason. They likely won't respond, they HIGHLY likely won't want to get back together. If somehow you did get back together it probably won't be for long. Write the letter knowing they won't respond. It has to be for you and not trying to manipulate their feelings into a reconciliation...... Cuz you can't! You might even find that after a couple of weeks revising your closure letter that you may not even want to send it at all Edited August 6, 2012 by dayslikelikethis Wanted to add one more sentence
Treasa Posted August 6, 2012 Posted August 6, 2012 Here is my very long back story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/338651-he-left-me-his-ex-wat-d Basically, It has been a little over a month of NC and i feel like I am dying inside. He has moved on and is happy with the girl he left me for. He said he had been unhappy in our relationship and had been faking it near the end and that he was no longer in love with me. He hurt me very badly and did some very cruel and immature things wile cutting me out of his life. My friend (a dude) has advised me in sending him a brief message on facebook saying: 'Dude, I just wanted to tell you that even after all of the things that have happened, I don't have bad feelings and I wish you the best.' I have heard that sending such a letter helps with closure. In truth, i'm very much heartbroken, and I do have some bad feelings, but I feel that once I send this I can begin NC with a fresh slate. I never told him I was doing NC and I simply just gave up one day and slipped out of his life. We are not friends on Facebook, but I do not have him blocked. Should I send this letter? Note: I do hope to get back with him someday. He is in a destined to fail relationship, but I will treat it like a relationship anyway. Read these two bolded sentences a few times. Don't send the letter.
Author AnchordHeart Posted August 6, 2012 Author Posted August 6, 2012 Ahh Seems like everyone here is giving me the same advice. I didnt really feel comfortable with the idea of sending that message. I know for a fact whatever came from it would not bring me satisfaction. I love this boy with all of my heart, but I sure as hell dont want him to think i'm hung up on an ******* like him. He expects me to chase and fight, and I know for a fact he is surprised I am not. Thanks everyone for the advice D: For now, i'm going to work on these unresolved feelings in more proactive ways. When the anger stage comes, i'm sure it will make NC easier. I'm just so hurt after everything... the whole time we were together this girl was after him and in the end she won. At least I know that out of all parties involved I come out as the winner because I did my best and I deserve someone who puts effort into a relationship. LS is the best website ever ;-; <3 thanks. 2
Car10e Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 I'm just so hurt after everything... the whole time we were together this girl was after him and in the end she won. Story of my life right now. my ex bf and I were on a break type thing for like a month. And each month he just got more distant towards me. I figured it was because he wanted space. Early on in the break his close friends told me he was talking a girl a lot, so I asked him and he just told me who it was and that they talk about work since they work together. He denied anything between them. Same week we broke up, I found out it was her he was seeing. I tried to so hard to convince him that we could make things work, but he was already influenced by her and people at his work. I feel like she was lurking in the background all along, just waiting for him and I to have troubles and she just swooped right in. But you know what, I feel bad for her, she doesn't even realize she is a rebound. I just say to myself, "she must not have any respect for herself to not even allow him to heal," and I feel better. With him being with me for awhile, I find it impossible for him to think of me while with her.
Tally123 Posted August 7, 2012 Posted August 7, 2012 Please dont send this letter/email. I have been toying with the idea myself for the past few days. I walked away from a guy I was mad about because I knew he couldnt give me what I wanted. It hurts like hell and all I can think of is telling him that. I wrote about 10 different drafts of a letter to send to him, but realised that I just couldnt send it. The thought of him not replying, writing back something breezy would have just been too much for me to bear and I would rather walk away like this, than pouring my heart out. I think you need to listen to your gut in these circumstances...mine kept telling me to wait and not send it. I feel that if I am meant to send him it then the time will present itself. Good luck and take care.
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