I did it, I broke up with him...

[Leopard]

He took is surprisingly well. He was supportive and told me that he knew this would eventually come because of my constant mentions of not wanting anything serious. He said I shouldn't feel that bad for leaving him because it's not my fault I want different things.

 

He also told me that he wished I was honest like this from the beginning, because now it had piled up and I had hurt the both of us.

 

(And I am letting go of an incredible man who is being so amazing with this. Makes me feel worse.)

 

We didn't agree on No Contact. We still spoke on the phone yesterday and he wants to occasionally see a movie and such things. I know you will tell me this is bad, but still being in touch every now and then makes me feel better (and hopefully him). I also think that if we see each other again, my rejections of his come ons will hurt him, and eventually it will hurt him enough that he will realize he needs to move on and stop trying.

 

He asked me that if I wasn't happy with him then what else I wanted in a man that he didn't have. I told him I wanted a man I was seriously attracted to and one who wasn't so introverted, a man who was successful and didn't want marriage and kids. He got upset and told me "haha good luck" as in saying my standards are too high (every man says this when you mention attractiveness and money) but for the first time in my life I wasn't upset by it.

 

I thought to myself "Men who tell me this are the reason I put myself in these situations." Somewhere in the back of my head I partially blamed him for sticking around while knowing these things.

 

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here who supported me with this decision. I won't lie, if it wasn't for all the posters I probably would still be with him right now. Your posts and comments forced me to really think about my situation, and the overwhelming guilt made me do it literally right after my last response to the thread. I just couldn't wait any longer.

 

I'm surprised that I feel more good than bad. I guess no bad emotion can outweigh that of a clean conscience.

[ThaWholigan]

I believe this was the right decision overall for both parties. He is now free to find someone who is attracted to him, and you can be free to start again and find someone you are attracted to.

 

He is right that you shouldn't have let it build up, however you feel better now because you have finally done it and you realize that actually it wasn't so hard and this man accepted your decision and took it well. Make sure that he knows that you appreciate all the good he did for you, and it might be a good idea to stay in contact and he could be a good friend in the future - provided he actually moves on, which from what you're saying, seems like he is able to do.

 

Lastly, I think this is a time for you to be on your own for a while. Working through your demons and becoming stronger and dealing with them is the most important thing you can do, so that you can avoid putting yourself in these situations. Figure out in your heart of hearts what you really want and what will be good for you (which I'm sure you know a lot of anyway), and figure out how to mesh the two. Then when you are ready for the world - go forth.

 

I wish you good health and good luck

[utterer of lies]

I'm surprised that I feel more good than bad. I guess no bad emotion can outweigh that of a clean conscience.

 

I am happy for you that you finally found the courage to do it. Have a good new life

[gaius]

He's not being nice because he's a nice guy. He's being nice because he knows it's a way to keep you in his sphere, and maybe eventually win you back down the road. Congratulations on taking a big step in the right direction though. Just don't let him work his way back in.

[ThaWholigan]

He's not being nice because he's a nice guy. He's being nice because he knows it's a way to keep you in his sphere, and maybe eventually win you back down the road. Congratulations on taking a big step in the right direction though. Just don't let him work his way back in.

Possibly.

 

Like I say, she needs that time on her own. Maybe some initial No Contact would be a good thing.

 

Leopard - are you still going to Italy?

[Els]

Glad to hear it. Hope you have a fun adventure in Italy.

[Bristolius]

It's hard to to do the right thing.

 

Good luck!

[Leopard]

I wish you good health and good luck

 

Thank you

 

I am happy for you that you finally found the courage to do it. Have a good new life

 

Thank you !

 

 

He's not being nice because he's a nice guy. He's being nice because he knows it's a way to keep you in his sphere, and maybe eventually win you back down the road. Congratulations on taking a big step in the right direction though. Just don't let him work his way back in.

 

Really?

 

I had never thought of that. I won't let him. I can't because it all starts sexually, and I'm not sexually attracted to him so I won't accept any of his come ons.

 

Leopard - are you still going to Italy?

 

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

[Leopard]

It's hard to to do the right thing.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you

[RedRobin]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out.

 

I know you wanted very much to grow to love both his 'outside' as much as you loved his 'insides'.

 

I also imagine it is tough to let go of someone you care deeply about... understanding the possibility you may not be in each other's lives anymore.

 

You both have greater self-awareness now though... and I do believe... sincere consideration... which will help lessen the pain.

 

Best wishes going forward!

 

oh, and lots of Italian men don't seem to put off by strong, fiery women... You are now 100% available to find one of those.

[RedRobin]

ladies put outsides first every single time

 

BS.

 

Stop projecting.

[RedRobin]

Leopard... but I wanted to add...

 

I agree with TW that it would be good to spend some time to take stock, grieve a bit, and process everything.

[Radu]

He took is surprisingly well. He was supportive and told me that he knew this would eventually come because of my constant mentions of not wanting anything serious. He said I shouldn't feel that bad for leaving him because it's not my fault I want different things.

 

He also told me that he wished I was honest like this from the beginning, because now it had piled up and I had hurt the both of us.

I'm glad you went through with it.

 

(And I am letting go of an incredible man who is being so amazing with this. Makes me feel worse.)

Debatable.

 

We didn't agree on No Contact. We still spoke on the phone yesterday and he wants to occasionally see a movie and such things. I know you will tell me this is bad, but still being in touch every now and then makes me feel better (and hopefully him). I also think that if we see each other again, my rejections of his come ons will hurt him, and eventually it will hurt him enough that he will realize he needs to move on and stop trying.

I normally don't agree to be in touch with x's, but considering what problem you admitted having to him, i think you should continue remaining friends.

For one thing, a good looking girl that hangs around with a guy, will increase his value in the eyes of other girls.

And you can also not lose the one person [besides the good ppl of this forum] whom you admitted your problem to.

With time you will find more ppl in which you can confide this issue, and gain good friends who won't judge you for it.

 

He asked me that if I wasn't happy with him then what else I wanted in a man that he didn't have. I told him I wanted a man I was seriously attracted to and one who wasn't so introverted, a man who was successful and didn't want marriage and kids. He got upset and told me "haha good luck" as in saying my standards are too high (every man says this when you mention attractiveness and money) but for the first time in my life I wasn't upset by it.

He suggested your standards were too high in regards to 'serious attraction, not introvert, successfull, no marriage and kids'. Tbh, they are kinda high.

But he said it to all of them, not just to attractiveness and money, though tbh even with those 2 it won't be easy to get one like that.

 

I thought to myself "Men who tell me this are the reason I put myself in these situations." Somewhere in the back of my head I partially blamed him for sticking around while knowing these things.

No, they're not ... you put yourself in these situations because you have low self-esteem from yrs of psychological abuse, which translates into your anxiety and your problem.

 

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here who supported me with this decision. I won't lie, if it wasn't for all the posters I probably would still be with him right now. Your posts and comments forced me to really think about my situation, and the overwhelming guilt made me do it literally right after my last response to the thread. I just couldn't wait any longer.

 

I'm surprised that I feel more good than bad. I guess no bad emotion can outweigh that of a clean conscience.

I think you had a case of anxiety about this, and now that you see the world didn't end because you broke up, you feel better.

 

I posted something in your last thread, i hope you read it because to some ex

tent it is similar to your situation.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/338968-i-need-make-confession-why-its-so-hard-leave-my-boyfriend-9.html#post4167037

 

I would also advise you to join the Abuse subforum and talk, that section is amazing and it has some incredible ppl there. It will help you out.

[mickleb]

There seem to be a couple of troll-style posters on here, spouting their general bitterness about women and dating. Then there's you, Alex. Don't know why you've chosen to make a personal attack on the OP, when she has done something most people here think is extremely brave, and something I would've thought you'd support (if you have sympathy for her ex). The hate you're spouting, at the moment, says a lot more about you (and your issues) than Leopard's.

 

Leopard: that's amazing. I'm so pleased to hear you were able to follow through with your new thinking on this situation. So well done!

 

I think it's great that your ex (I'm going to call him that from now on, as that's what he is) took the sad news so well. I'm glad because it will help you to let go of the massive weight you were carrying, due to the guilt. He may be surprisingly okay with the news - you had 'warned' him, in your own way, (as he said), in advance. Someone who's been dumped experiences a huge range of emotions over the few months that follow the event, however. He may have been okay on Friday but he might not be able to remain so cool, for too long.

 

All people who have been dumped need NC, for some time. They need to face the reality of life without their partner. They need to accept their partner is not returning, that the intimacy (not just physical) has ended, that the future will be different and that they have been rejected. It is painful and so, they need to heal. Please do him the favour of enforcing NC. If you like, you can say that - somewhere down the line - you'd like to be his friend again. It may be possible - but please accept that it may not.

 

If you do not give him this, it will be MUCH harder for him. Please read the Break-Up and Coping forums for further evidence of this.

 

I agree with Radu that those men did not put you in this position. Your Mum paved the way, and you've since accepted her abhorrent perspective. But this is changing.

 

I am so pleased to hear how positive this action has been for you. It will get lonely, it will get painful, it will get confusing but you will survive all this, and be stronger and happier. Please consider finding some professional support to help you through - at the very least, tell your doctor. We will be here. Now, enjoy your clean conscience: you've earned that relief! x

[mickleb]

Again, I'd like to urge posters not to quote the unproductive posts on here, but to report them, explaining how they are violating the forum rules. Thank you.

[mickleb]

I am happy for you that you finally found the courage to do it. Have a good new life

 

I should probably read more of your posts, u.o.l. but that's the nicest post of yours I think I've ever read!

[serial muse]

He took is surprisingly well. He was supportive and told me that he knew this would eventually come because of my constant mentions of not wanting anything serious. He said I shouldn't feel that bad for leaving him because it's not my fault I want different things.

 

He also told me that he wished I was honest like this from the beginning, because now it had piled up and I had hurt the both of us.

 

(And I am letting go of an incredible man who is being so amazing with this. Makes me feel worse.)

 

We didn't agree on No Contact. We still spoke on the phone yesterday and he wants to occasionally see a movie and such things. I know you will tell me this is bad, but still being in touch every now and then makes me feel better (and hopefully him). I also think that if we see each other again, my rejections of his come ons will hurt him, and eventually it will hurt him enough that he will realize he needs to move on and stop trying.

 

He asked me that if I wasn't happy with him then what else I wanted in a man that he didn't have. I told him I wanted a man I was seriously attracted to and one who wasn't so introverted, a man who was successful and didn't want marriage and kids. He got upset and told me "haha good luck" as in saying my standards are too high (every man says this when you mention attractiveness and money) but for the first time in my life I wasn't upset by it.

 

I thought to myself "Men who tell me this are the reason I put myself in these situations." Somewhere in the back of my head I partially blamed him for sticking around while knowing these things.

 

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here who supported me with this decision. I won't lie, if it wasn't for all the posters I probably would still be with him right now. Your posts and comments forced me to really think about my situation, and the overwhelming guilt made me do it literally right after my last response to the thread. I just couldn't wait any longer.

 

I'm surprised that I feel more good than bad. I guess no bad emotion can outweigh that of a clean conscience.

 

I too am glad you found the courage to do this...I don't think it's a good idea to stay in touch with him though. He may be a nice guy, but I agree with those who say that that isn't why he's being particularly nice about this; I'm sure he's hoping you'll change your mind. It's only natural, and it's how these things always go. But I don't think it'll help. I know it's tempting to think it's best to stay "friends" - but it really hardly ever is best, honestly. He'll keep hoping until it's very clear that there's nothing to hope for; and spending time with you won't send that message, even if it's just as friends. Time apart is really the only thing that ever seems to get the message across. And you should also be prepared for him to express some anger over this, even if he isn't at the moment - it takes a while to process the breakup, and he's just getting started.

 

But I really think you did the right thing.

 

Anyway, it's a very good thing that you're off to Italy for 6 months; that enforced separation will be good for you both.

[Negative Nancy]

I'm surprised at the amount of cheerleading the OP is getting here. For the man it is probably better in the long run, in fact I would tell him "GOOD RIDDANCE"; but I bet if any man had dropped his girlfriend for the same reason, he would have been raked over the coals here.

 

The hypocrisy in this forum is just unbelievable, I don't hold back with my opinions about men here, everybody knows that, but women make me feel embarrassed for my gender alot of times as well.

[brahmabull117]

I'm surprised at the amount of cheerleading the OP is getting here. For the man it is probably better in the long run, in faxt I would tell him "GOOD RIDDANCE"; but I bet if any man had dropped his girlfriend for the same reason, he would have been raked over the coals here.

 

The hypocrisy in this forum is just unbelievable, I don't hold back with my opinions about men here, everybody knows that, but women make me feel embarrassed for my gender alot of times as well.

 

 

 

Wow, a negative Nancy post that's not bashing men. Is this real life?

[ThaWholigan]

I'm surprised at the amount of cheerleading the OP is getting here. For the man it is probably better in the long run, in fact I would tell him "GOOD RIDDANCE"; but I bet if any man had dropped his girlfriend for the same reason, he would have been raked over the coals here.

 

The hypocrisy in this forum is just unbelievable, I don't hold back with my opinions about men here, everybody knows that, but women make me feel embarrassed for my gender alot of times as well.

It's not even that you bash men - it's that you're overwhelmingly.......well, negative.

 

When are you going to make a happy post?

 

Shall I come over there and give you a night to remember? Maybe then you will have something to be happy and positive about :love:

 

 

 

Then you can change your name to Positive Polly. And this will be your new emoticon:

[ascendotum]

I'm surprised at the amount of cheerleading the OP is getting here. For the man it is probably better in the long run, in fact I would tell him "GOOD RIDDANCE"; but I bet if any man had dropped his girlfriend for the same reason, he would have been raked over the coals here.

 

The hypocrisy in this forum is just unbelievable, I don't hold back with my opinions about men here, everybody knows that, but women make me feel embarrassed for my gender alot of times as well.

 

Maybe you posted in one of her past threads, but I am curious...do you think she just used her bf as a stepping stone to stay with him while she gets her confidence back then move on to something better?

[AwkwardGuy]

Ca I Ask something? What is it exactly that makes him so unattractive physically? Face? Height? Body?

[Leigh 87]

I hate to break it to you but most attractive, successful guys wouldn't choose to be with someone who has.. issues.

 

 

 

Whatever! If the girl is attractive, successful, and she guy has a really special feeling about her and is REALLY into her - of COURSE he would stick around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless he was not looking for a relationship, or was REALLY head strong and could ignore his strong feelings to a girl he was really into, and leave her due to her " issues"...

 

Top quality men have been with women with issues for ages; if the women is really worth it to them, he would at least TRY to stick by her..... if she turned into a mental lunatic and could not get better sure, he would/should leave....

[Leopard]

I

oh, and lots of Italian men don't seem to put off by strong, fiery women... You are now 100% available to find one of those.

 

lol thanks

 

Ca I Ask something? What is it exactly that makes him so unattractive physically? Face? Height? Body?

 

His face and body, but mostly his smell.

 

Some men you just want to snuggle your nose into and breathe them in, and it's like a high. Other men you don't even want to sit close to.

 

He is number 2.

[serial muse]

I'm surprised at the amount of cheerleading the OP is getting here. For the man it is probably better in the long run, in fact I would tell him "GOOD RIDDANCE"; but I bet if any man had dropped his girlfriend for the same reason, he would have been raked over the coals here.

 

The hypocrisy in this forum is just unbelievable, I don't hold back with my opinions about men here, everybody knows that, but women make me feel embarrassed for my gender alot of times as well.

 

Knee-jerk reactions on this site tend to be rude and thoughtless, true. On both sides. Thus, I see nothing wrong with instead trying to actually talk someone through a difficult situation and help them grow. This has happened for both men and women who are struggling - witness the endless help threads for Woggle and somedude - and it's the best of this site. It doesn't always have to be about smashing people when they're down or making bad choices. People are happy that Leopard is trying to figure it out, and were not encouraging her to be a jerk, but to grow.

 

I wish more people would take that attitude. It's a shame that when people do, others have to trash it. Not necessary, IMO.