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I need to make a confession...this is why it's so hard to leave my boyfriend...

Leopard

By Leopard
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Leopard Established Member

Leopard

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Beforehand, I ask that none of you be judgemental or ask what the "illness" is. I am not going to share that.

 

One of the main reasons I can't leave my current bf, even though I want to, is because he is the first man I have ever confessed to about a "problem" that I have.

 

The closest example I can give you is cutting. Lots of people cut themselves, and they hide it from everyone because they are ashamed they do it.

 

I have a similar thing only it's not cutting. Anyways, he is the first man that I opened up to about this, and he took me as I am. He even loved me more afterward because I let him in and allowed him to see the whole of me.

 

This is the main reason I find it hard to leave him. If he can still love me after knowing about my serious problem, then I should be able to stay with him even though I'm not attracted to him.

 

I feel guilty that I can't even accept him physically if he can accept me with this serious issue. I can't just leave a man who has been so incredibly kind and supportive throughout this entire thing.

 

And I admit that it feels SO GOOD to be accepted this way. My entire dating life consisted of me hiding my problem and trying to be the perfect woman. Living day by day in fear of a man discovering my problem and being disgusted with me.

 

I can't even convey to you how liberating it feels to be in a relationship where you, literally, don't hide anything at all. Where you can be yourself without any masks or hidden personalities.

 

I like who I am with him. I like the woman that I am becoming. It's the woman I have always wanted to be, and he brings out all the good in me.

 

I can't bring myself to leave him if he has done and created so much good in me and in our relationship. In a sense, when he goes, so does my freedom to be myself without being judged. He is the only person with whom I am open about my issue, and when he goes, I will retreat back into the society where I have to continue to live in fear of any man figuring out that I am not normal.

 

...."normal"

 

P.S Confessing this to him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I'm not sure I can do it again.

miss_jaclynrae Established Member

miss_jaclynrae

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Sooo... why do you want to dump him?

 

 

 

:confused:

I am confused....

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brahmabull117 Established Member

brahmabull117

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Sooo... why do you want to dump him?

 

 

 

 

From what I gather, he's not particularly attractive and is poor

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Leopard Established Member

Leopard

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Sooo... why do you want to dump him?

 

 

 

:confused:

I am confused....

 

Because I'm just not that into him. Mostly it's because I am not physically attracted to him. Sex is a chore and I force myself to do it.

 

I also find him extremely boring and in general we don't have any chemistry. I am not happy with him, but I am happy with who I am when i'm with him.

 

And yes, he is very poor.

brahmabull117 Established Member

brahmabull117

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Because I'm just not that into him. Mostly it's because I am not physically attracted to him. Sex is a chore and I force myself to do it.

 

I also find him extremely boring and in general we don't have any chemistry. I am not happy with him, but I am happy with who I am when i'm with him.

 

And yes, he is very poor.

 

 

 

Wow, very poor, unattractive and boring yet has a girlfriend

 

 

 

I should kill myself :laugh:

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Woggle Established Member

Woggle

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I feel really bad for this guy.

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utterer of lies Established Member

utterer of lies

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What you learned with this relationship is that you can open up.

 

Unfortunately it was to the wrong man.

 

Don't worry, it will be much easier with the next one (hopefully you will chose one that you are actually attracted to).

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BellaMarieOC Member

BellaMarieOC

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It'll be hard but I think it's something that you need to do. You are being really selfish and it's not fair that you cling to him only because you like they way he makes you feel about yourself.

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ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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You say woman you're becoming, so this is a period of growth for you. Disregarding that you aren't attracted to him, maybe as you begin to grow into the woman you want to become, you may actually become attracted to him for liberating you as a person, and may push you closer together as a couple. Maybe this is the natural progression of this particular relationship.

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TaraMaiden Established Member

TaraMaiden

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You feel beholden, in other words....

 

You have to put that aside... and maybe understand that he is not unique in his sentiments towards a person with your "problem" (forgive me if I call it that) so the fact that there is one person who accepts it unconditionally, actually, means that statistically there has to be someone else who will, as well.

You need the courage to dump him, but you know you have so much to be grateful for.

But you can't stay and be with someone you feel beholden to, or sorry for.

That's simply replacing one issue with another one....

 

You only have one life - you owe it to yourself - and to him - to not compromise....

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mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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I can see why this would be a very hard step for you to take, and it would be a brave one but it has to be done. You are being dishonest with this guy, as it is. Would he want to be with you if he read what you've posted here?

 

It's great that he accepted you for who you are, and proves that there are people out there who can do this but he deserves someone who loves him for who he is, don't you think?

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rocketman122 Established Member

rocketman122

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Because I'm just not that into him. Mostly it's because I am not physically attracted to him. Sex is a chore and I force myself to do it.

 

I also find him extremely boring and in general we don't have any chemistry. I am not happy with him, but I am happy with who I am when i'm with him.

 

And yes, he is very poor.

 

Very valid reasons. love making and being physically attracted to someone is the basics of basics..I had to walk away from gorgeous woman because they couldnt kiss. 3 in fact. to me its more intimate than intercourse and if you cant get that right, it says a lot about you. I cant get to the get bed if our lips dont work well.

 

you might find someone who understands your problem.

cutting is the problem..you cut yourself all the time? Im a very understanding person and since im a sexually kinky freak, I would suck on your blood. mmm.so win win HAHA

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Leopard Established Member

Leopard

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I don't think this is the case, because I am growing more and more resentful of him. I know there are other men out there that I would be happier with, I just feel so guilty of being so tired of him when all he has done is good for me.

 

I can't just break his heart because "Thanks for helping me out, now i'm going to find another man who can reap the benefits".

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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You say woman you're becoming, so this is a period of growth for you. Disregarding that you aren't attracted to him, maybe as you begin to grow into the woman you want to become, you may actually become attracted to him for liberating you as a person, and may push you closer together as a couple. Maybe this is the natural progression of this particular relationship.

I meant to add that it could be the opposite, and it's something you need to be introspective about.

 

It's one thing to open up in a relationship and become somebody you want to be - it's another to do it while in a relationship with a man you don't love, and possibly may never love truly in the sense that he is your partner for life. You need to have a good think about this.

ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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I don't think this is the case, because I am growing more and more resentful of him. I know there are other men out there that I would be happier with, I just feel so guilty of being so tired of him when all he has done is good for me.

 

I can't just break his heart because "Thanks for helping me out, now i'm going to find another man who can reap the benefits".

You could break his heart now, or break it later. At some point, you may have to bite the bullet - if you are becoming more and more resentful for him, it will be more and more painful in the end. If this is how you really feel, then just do it now.

 

It will be better for him in the long run.

  • Like 1
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Leopard Established Member

Leopard

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I meant to add that it could be the opposite, and it's something you need to be introspective about.

 

It's one thing to open up in a relationship and become somebody you want to be - it's another to do it while in a relationship with a man you don't love, and possibly may never love truly in the sense that he is your partner for life. You need to have a good think about this.

 

I know I need to be more selfish and date men because I love them, not because THEY love me.

 

But its true that I was single the entire time I waited for this. The moment I lowered my standards I met a great guy who helped me grow and accept myself.

 

I can't just thank him for his help and be on my way. I feel that's just... I don't know...almost like using him for my own benefit and then being rid of him when I'm better to find someone better...

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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I can't just break his heart because "Thanks for helping me out, now i'm going to find another man who can reap the benefits".

 

As horrible as this sounds ^^^, it's how a lot of relationships go. People sepnd time together, they learn together and they outgrow each other.

 

As TW says, it is kinder now, rather than later. It really is.

  • Like 4
Andy_K Established Member

Andy_K

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I don't think this is the case, because I am growing more and more resentful of him. I know there are other men out there that I would be happier with, I just feel so guilty of being so tired of him when all he has done is good for me.

 

I can't just break his heart because "Thanks for helping me out, now i'm going to find another man who can reap the benefits".

 

Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the same as doing the nice thing.

 

Learning to make difficult decisions is an important life experience, and vital for your personal growth. Many people spend entire lifetimes in unhappy relationships because they never evolve past this stage; it's too much for them.

 

Don't be one of those people.

  • Like 2
Imajerk17 Established Member

Imajerk17

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Is your boyfriend even happy in this relationship? How could he be when NEITHER of you are giving what the other needs?

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Leopard Established Member

Leopard

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Is your boyfriend even happy in this relationship? How could he be when NEITHER of you are giving what the other needs?

 

He is extremely happy. He wants to get married and have kids. I already told him (and seriously) that this isn't going to happen. I also told him I don't even want to move in with him. So somewhere deep down he knows that what he wants isn't going to happen.

 

But he is happy in the relationship. He tells me everyday.

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Leopard Established Member

Leopard

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I just don't want to hurt him. It's hurts me so much to hurt him.

 

It hurts to be in this relationship, because in a sense I am basing his happiness on something that is fake.

 

But it hurts me to leave him because I am the best thing that has ever happened to him (his words).

 

I just f*cking hate being where I am right now. And I hate myself even more for putting myself here.

mickleb Established Member

mickleb

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He is extremely happy. He wants to get married and have kids. I already told him (and seriously) that this isn't going to happen. I also told him I don't even want to move in with him. So somewhere deep down he knows that what he wants isn't going to happen.

 

But he is happy in the relationship. He tells me everyday.

 

You need to tell him, Leopard. I think you know this, too. Do you think you can do it, though?

 

That self-hate you're feeling will only increase, and it doesn't sound like you need a moment of that.

  • Like 2
ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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He is extremely happy. He wants to get married and have kids. I already told him (and seriously) that this isn't going to happen. I also told him I don't even want to move in with him. So somewhere deep down he knows that what he wants isn't going to happen.

 

But he is happy in the relationship. He tells me everyday.

I'm going to make an uneducated guess and say he isn't happy. He might tell you he is, but it's because he wants you to stay. If he's as unattractive and boring as you say he is, he probably feels that he doesn't have many options, and he is in a relationship with this (allegedly in your own words) good looking, tall, successful woman - he's going to keep hold of you. Cutting off his nose to spite his face.

 

He isn't even going to get what he wants, which is marriage and kids, something you don't want. This relationship seems like an exercise in masochism to me. You aren't getting what you want either.

 

What I see are two people clinging onto each other because they both feel they can't do any better. Unhealthy. If I'm wrong, I'll happily concede. But I have a hunch that this is the reality.

 

It would be better for both of you if this relationship ended and both of you embark on a period of self-growth - away from each other. It would be highly beneficial IMO.

 

But, it's your decision, and if you really feel like you can't bring yourself to leave because you feel obligated to stay with him, or vice versa, or both, then hopefully that decision will bring you happiness.

 

But I'm terribly afraid that it may not.

  • Like 4
ThaWholigan Established Member

ThaWholigan

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As horrible as this sounds ^^^, it's how a lot of relationships go. People sepnd time together, they learn together and they outgrow each other.

 

As TW says, it is kinder now, rather than later. It really is.

This^^

 

Sometimes people grow through the relationships they have with other people, whether they are friendships, relationships etc. Many times people don't stay together forever.

 

You need to find a happy medium, not go from one extreme to another.

Cracker Jack Established Member

Cracker Jack

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Yeah, it's really unfortunate that you've placed yourself in this situation, but it happens, and sometimes we don't think about the consequences of them. If you're already resenting him now, your resentment will only continue to grow the longer you stay with him, and really, it's just unfair to him.

 

Either way, he's going to be hurt. He might not be fully aware, but what you're doing right now is hurting him. I know you don't want to hurt him, but...you really can't avoid that at this point. It's best to just minimize the amount of pain he's going to feel now rather than later. I'm sure it'll suck, but things are better off ending now than continuing when there's clearly no hope in the future for a relationship between the two of you.

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